Working the Karma Wheel
Thursday, May 26, 2005
11:05 p.m.And once again I'm convinced about how horrible humans really are. Such horrible bitches. Why do they always keep doing this?
Sometimes I wish I knew of a way to get back at them. Like really hurt them where it hurts the most. But then I know that is unethical and wrong. Yet I still wish! Sheesh. Such wicked people.
Ughh only sleep can cure this anger now.
|
Another Dumb Blonde
Saturday, May 21, 2005
11:38 p.m.Hhaha my new hair screams ah lian so loud, I think I can now successfully say that I am too smart for my hair.
Thank goodness its the holidays! Imagine the repercussion otherwise! ahha Though its not like I was much smarter with my original hair.
|
Back Again
Friday, May 20, 2005
01:22 a.m.So actually I have been back for quite some time. Since last Friday to be precise. Trip was good. Shopping, eating and real good company. So I guess it would be weird then to say that though I enjoyed the trip, I regretted going. But that in itself would require too much explanation and emotional mellowdrama. So let's just leave it as that.
Its been a crazy one week. So much stuff going on and has happened. Well not in the monumental, life-changing sort of way but more of a momentous and significant kind of way. Let's see..for one, Flag began work this Monday and things are moving on relatively smoothly. Youth camp planning has been going on with minimal hiccups. Siding has officially moved in with me. Finally met up with a really good JC friend and had one of the most enoyable nights in a long time. As of tomorrow, I will have a totally different hair colour. Oh and I've finally conceded that I am human and not flawless so I'm entitled to my lonely depressed moments even if they are oh-so juvenile and noone cares.
Indeed it has been an eventful week to say the least. Non-stop action with minimal rest. Its almost like school term except that datelines are less pressing this time. Well, I need to be up early tomorrow to make breakfast with Vincent so I should hit the sack soon. Nitez~!
|
Summer Vacation
Monday, May 9, 2005
02:35 a.m.Off on a short hiatus with some friends.
A much needed getaway to rejuvenate and psych myself for these wonderfully long holidays, that I like to believe I amptly deserve.
I just hope I don't fall victim to the coupling syndrome but even if I do, I have plans to occupy myself anyway. Haha
See you can always trust Lav to have a backup plan. Kudos to a week of laughs, good food, intelligent company and lots of shopping!! :)
|
Bring 'Em Out!
Saturday, May 7, 2005
04:47 p.m.I don't think I can watch any more episodes of The O.C and not risk having a coronary.
The sun, the sea, the music! Let me go now please!! I swear I nearly jumped off my chair in excitement when watching episode 21 of The OC Season 2 which focuses a little on spring break and the beach life. Yea, so I won't be there for spring break but hey when you live on the beach, its spring break all year round!
Its so great that my campus is right on the beach! Oh in case you peeps didn't know, I have been relocated to University of California Santa Barbara instead cuz UCLA is closed for SEP during the Fall Semester. So yea, initially I was a little down about the change, given that the idea of being in Hollywood kinda got me all psyched. However, all disappointment vanished when I realised that UCSB is so way cooler! Can you believe that the Arts faculty is located right next to this awesome lagoon? Imagine a lagoon right in the middle of a campus! Oh and don't worry you guys, Santa Barbara is right next to LA, its the next county. So, I'll still be able to go to Hollywood whenever I want. It's in one row on the Southern Californian coast line- Orange County, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara- all just a few hours car ride away from each other.
Apart from being located right on the beach, I'm gona be staying in a hall that is the closest to the beach and actually has a direct entrance leading to it. The weather seems perfect- not too warm or cold. Oh and get this, UCSB is reputed to be one of the most "party" schools in the US. In fact it was ranked one of the top 25 hottest party colleges in the country. Haha Ok so let's not forget the academic part and yes I do have to try and get some studying done there. And for all of you out there who want to know if UCSB is even a good college, well its ranked 35th in the country and just 2 slots below UCLA. Yea, so its not Harvard but hey Harvard has no beach like UCSB!
I've been really blessed so far with regard to the SEP stuff. Rachel and I have managed to not be separated and are going to UCSB together. The other guy who is going along, Leonard, seems pretty cool so that is great. Moreover, there was an exchange student in my Indian History class this semester who is from UCSB so she has been a real big help with insider info and other stuff. I'm really so thankful to God for this oppurtunity of a lifetime.
I keep thinking about how I am going to miss my family and friends when on SEP but hey when I have 4-5months to waste out in USA and fool around on a governtment sponsored vacation, its hard to really see the down side. Maybe its also because I am going with Rachel that I don't feel so alone or afraid. And Leonard seems like a nice guy with an innate weakness for partying. So WooHOo!
To think they had to post me to party central. Guess this is God's way of letting me live it up a little or compensation for a relationship failed. Whatever it is, thank you God!!
|
Getting Down
Wednesday, May 4, 2005
08:44 p.m.Its mambo and drinks tonight!
Woohoo!!
It's time to hit e clubs!! :)
|
The Final Countdown
Tuesday, May 3, 2005
07:50 a.m.80 minutes to my final paper.
Totally unprepared but the end is finally here.
The last exam of this semester and my last exam in NUS for this year.
Let's hope it ends on a positive note.
|
Again
Thursday, April 28, 2005
02:08 p.m.I don't know how I feel about this but I am definitely not happy. But I will have to pretend to be. I mustn't be selfish.
Sigh. How I wish I could really tell someone how I feel, without sounding so completely whiny and female.
So disgusted at myself. But I am not strong enough to battle this. I have to succumb but there is no one there to succumb to.
Sometimes I feel like crying
Laying down and dying
That's when I need you
Laughing's always easy,
But sometimes I'm just scared |
Insomniac
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
05:12 a.m.Now this is just getting really strange. One or two nights is fine but three sleepless nights in a row is crazy. There is something seriously wrong.
It's just so damn strange. I have no problem sleeping at home. Really. I spent so much time sleeping this weekend when I should have spent the valuable time studying for my Indian history paper. I slept so early on Sat night, overslept on Sun morn, took many naps on Sunday afternoon until I panicked around 7pm in the evening and started furiously reading the remaining readings in my coursepack and making notes.
But in hall, I'm like an owl. This is just crazy. I could have really used a night like this when I was rushing papers a few weeks ago but my body was so tired. Now I have all this reading to do and yet I'm not tired. Moreover, all these short naps for 2-3hours has been oh-so-bad for my skin.
The funny thing is that each night that I wake up around 3-4ish am, I am consumed with an overwhelming feeling of loss, loneliness and pain. Well its not as piercing or as severe as before, during the whole mellowdramatic saga with him. But still it overwhelms me. Then by about 7am or so, it just goes away. Funny thing is also that this never happens at home.
I think moving to hall as really made me realise how safe, loved and protected my family makes me feel. Like even the greatest pain subsides soon after, but living alone in hall just perpetuates it. Perhaps even aggrandize it. I know the girls always say that they are here if I want to talk but the truth is I'm not the type who opens up really easily. Also if you never ask me, I'll never tell you. I need to be coaxed out but I guess that is something only old friends realise. Shawn says its an IJ gal syndrome. All of us have this weird defence mechanism apparently. Admirable I suppose but fucking masochistic I tell you.
Haha maybe thatz why they say that you can spot a Convent girl from a distance. Addie just came by. She can't sleep too. And for some reason, just that few moments of human contact made all those feelings of loss disappear into a chasm I dare not venture into. Same thing happened last night or shld I say this morning too when I talked to Naj for a bit. Like it reassured me or something and I fell asleep for hours.
Hmm..till then let's get some much reading done. I'm such a procratinator I tell you.
|
Californification
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
05:36 a.m.Yea its another sleepless night. Much too warm to even sleep. This has to be classic man. Well, on the bright side, its much to warm to study even so haha.
I just caught episode 19 of The OC-Season 2. Positively brilliant I tell you. It made me realise how I excited I am about going for SEP and being in California. I'm going to be in party central with no parents, no liabilities-nothing! Even studying is second priority given everything is S/U.
I cannot even begin to imagine how its going to be. Really wish Ying would be coming with me though. Then this trip would be positively BRILLIANT!!
Tsk tsk! I keep having to coax myself into studying with all these false promises of fun, entertainment etc. How ridiculous! Ying and I were talking the other day about going to England and we realised we could only do so in 2006 but yet we started planning. Gosh are we really bored. Anything but study rite? I like to think its the heat. Anything but the heat. Haha
|
Indian History Hysteria
Monday, April 25, 2005
11:25 a.m.I am so upset. So grossly terribly upset! Think I really just had the world's worst paper and I can now only hope that I gave it my best shot.
First of all the compulsory question was so weird. I am not even sure if the question was looking for a phenomenon that happened in colonial
OR postcolonial times or colonial
AND post-colonial times. The question was that ambigious. I had to change my focus at the last minute and I think there is only 1 good point in my paper as such.
Then I had the worst possible shock when my two favourite topics- Untouchables and Partition ended up in the same section. Oh we had to do 3 essays- 1 compulsory qn from Section A, 1 from Section B, and another from Section C. Both the questions on partition and untouchables ended up in Section C and Section B had the world's hardest questions on peasants, subaltern and pre-WWI India. It was horrible. Even the question on women was in Section C. Dammit.
Thank goodness I had the decency to read all my readings when most people spotted as past year papers showed that there was a question on every topic. So I squeezed out a few points for my Section B essay on peasants but its just more elaboration on one fundamental point so I am screwed. So damn screwed. I actually rushed my third essay in 15mins. It was only 2 pages and my conclusion ended up having the majority of what I had to say as I desperately hoped to salvage some marks for at least penning some random thoughts down. I am so screwed.
This is a really heavy module but it is really not that tough. So, what is with the killer exam questions? It was never like that in past 4 years as seen in the past year papers. Questions were neatly divided into 2 sections in relation to the time it was taught: before or after the mid-sem break. Not anything else. Oh and did I mention how my phone kept vibrating in my pocket throughout the exam? 5 missed calls. Sheesh.
Gosh I am so depressed. 40% final. Don't really know how I did for my 30% presentation and stuff and though my paper was fine, I realised that alot of people did fine too. Oh dear. Looks like this seems to be a common problem with all my 9am exams. Rarely feel so upset over exams I take at 1pm or 5pm. Sheesh.
Help. :(
|
The Sisterhood
Sunday, April 24, 2005
02:49 p.m.Men should be careful lest they cause women to weep, for God counts their tears.
This is dedicated to all my friends who have been hurt. You know who you gals are and I love you.
Well like they say, God made women second because he realised what a mistake he made the first time around. The only thing right about men was that one rib, so he took it out and made it into a woman.
It will be fine, babes. I know it takes time but one day it will be. Maybe one day they will realise they are wrong. But we can only hope.
|
Is it me or is just too darn warm??
Friday, April 22, 2005
07:07 p.m.I could not seem to be able to sleep the whole night. I went to bed at 2am but have yet to fall asleep. Just kept tossing and turning as hot air literally enveloped my room. So I turned on the TV thinking I would fall asleep while watching it but I just ended up more awake. So I whipped out my Indian history readings, since I keep falling asleep while reading it. But guess what, I actually ended up reading and reading until I had a back cramp.
Moved to my computer then and watched two episodes of Sex and the City and became slightly groggy. So I switched off the light and tried to sleep but again I tossed, turned and my mind wandered to unpleasant thoughts of loss, pain and other emotions I had vowed to banish sometime last month.
So again I woke up and decided to read. But nothing was going into my brain. It had had just about enough. Well since there was nothing else to do, I decided to read my HerWorld. Such a waste. It was supposed to be my reward for completing reading all the readings in the Indian History coursepack but I decided to claim my prize early and flipped through it till about 7am.
Like now. Contemplating going for breakfast but I am finally really tired. Think I shall sleep now. Ughh screwed up body clock.
|
The Games They Play
Friday, April 22, 2005
01:31 a.m.The more things change, the more they remain the same.
Everytime you think things have changed, they haven't. It is exactly the same situation-perhaps with different people, clothes, hair etc.
But its essentially the same. Its like you moved through space only to realise your feet were always glued to the ground. How then can you grow?
Perhaps that is why everyone is different. Each of us have to learn one important lesson in life and as things change and morphosize, we remain etched at one spot reliving the same situation time and time again in different ways. Each time learning and reacting slightly differently. Until one day, we unlock the code and take that bold step to actual change. When we finally learn that all important reason.
Just a little game the Gods play as they await our entry into their kingdom. A pedagogical masochistic game.
|
Female Masquerade and the Path Downhill
Monday, April 18, 2005
03:41 p.m.Finally done with my horrendously challenging Gender paper. Yes, the crisis was averted when I met up with my lecturer on Friday. It actually turned out that he was fine with my concept and just wanted me to narrow my focus a little more while highlighting more complications. More of depth than breadth.
Though it was fun writing it, considering that research included watching episodes of Sex and the City, I am unsure how well I am going to do. Before you claim this to be paranoia or unwarranted fear, I am really not lying. Everyone in this module is so damn smart. It is an advanced USP module and basically those of us who actually do advanced modules are the ones who have the guts to stay in the programme or by God's grace have yet to be kicked out.
Don't get me wrong. I love this module. I have learnt so much but I really think I am not smart enough man. I haven't gotten back my term paper which was 20% or the group project that was 30%. This final paper is a whopping 35%, which may break me more than make me. The remaining 15% is class participation which I rarely embarked on given level of discourse in class was always so fast and furious, I could barely get a word in or worst still, have anything intelligent to say.
Sigh. I am so worried this sem. Not doing as well as I need to be, in order to salvage last sem's damage. Really need to keep pushing but all I seem to be doing is sleeping.
Lazy lazy Lav.
|
The LSE pals
Saturday, April 16, 2005
03:11 a.m.Why does meeting people like this just make you want to pack your bags and fly to the UK or US immediately?
Their eloquence, wit, confidence, openness and charisma are to die for. Why are the best ones always overseas?
It's just not fair that we get stuck here with the slapstick, colloquial and boorish youth- where the girls act cute and know no other language but Singlish while the guys slur and make run-of-the-mill jokes.
Sigh. Even a few hours with such good company was amazing. Let's hope we see them again in July when they get back. I miss speaking to someone without having to pretend or simplify myself. But I guess you can't have everything.
It is not like as if they are especially smart or gifted. They are just truly themselves. People who know what they want and deserve. People who for once actually agree that I should not settle for less. People that actually won't.
Boy, am I going to love going to USA in August. Apart from a chance of lifetime, maybe I can finally be myself. And stop kowtowing to all this acting cute crap.
|
Attention All Voyeurs
Friday, April 15, 2005
04:09 p.m.To say I am disappointed is one thing but to even think that people could spread such salacious gossip is another. They say that people tend to make a mountain out of a molehill but when there is not even a semblance of a hill, how can you even talk of a mountain?
I used to be of opinion that if you shut up about stuff, no one would say or assume anything. However, now it seems that I have talk in order for people not to assume anything. What is wrong with the world man?
So to all you voyeurs out there who are reading this blog in hope for finding more fuel for your salacious gossip, please stop now. Unless you have talked to me and read my blog in the context that I have wrote it, STOP assuming ANYTHING!
No, I am not in love with anyone. Neither am I remotely interested in anyone. Much of my angst, tears and depression is actually fuelled by another cause like the toll hall comms took on me. Not a guy or anything of a romantic nature. Please get your facts right and unless you have talked to me first, stop assuming you know everything.
|
ESPN Fever
Thursday, April 14, 2005
06:00 p.m.Now how come no one mentioned that John Dykes was such a looker?
With such wit, a controlled Brit accent, chiselled features and gorgeous eyes, the guy is a dreamboat.
That's the thing about successful educated men. They are just so distinguished.
Sigh.
|
Day One of Operation Mugging and Writing
Thursday, April 14, 2005
01:55 a.m.Yes, I still have papers due. Last one due next Monday. I actually devoted the whole of today towards completing my paper so I could study guilt-free then guess what happened? My lecturer screwed up on me.
You see I emailed him on Monday night with a brief idea on what my 40% final essay was going to be on. And I waited and waited for a reply for the whole of Tuesday and Wednesday until I decided its time I just start writing. Oh and during all this waiting, I was doing massive amounts of research. Yea, so the research was to watch old episodes of Sex and the City but hey I was trying rite?
So anyway at 3pm on Wed afternoon, I realise there must be smth wrong cuz my lecturer doesn't usually take so long to reply. So I resend the email and he replies that he didn't receive my previous email and says he thinks my topic is not precise enough and blah blah. Do note by this juncture, I was halfway thru my paper and close to finishing it in 2-3hrs. What was I to do then? Continue writing a whole paper that I could potential have rewrite and waste an entire night? Obviously not. Hence, I did the obvious of emailing him my essay outline and setting up an appt with him tmr. Hopefully he gets the damn email.
Ended up reviewing the amount of work I have to complete by exams. Lots of crap man. Need to start planning. One chapter down. Millions more to go. :)
Hang in there guys! Holidays in 3 weeks and counting.
|
Obstinate
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
01:34 a.m.You see I did it again.
I had to scratch the itch and go poke my nose around cyberspace. Now look what I found.
I can feel it coming up. Rising from the depths of my belly to my lungs. Push it down Lav. Down.
OK I am moving away from my computer. NOW!
|
Weird Manjans
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
10:05 p.m.I am never going to understand why Chinese peeps finds Indians so funny.
Not everything we say is hilarious or witty. So why this preoccupancy with laughing whenever we speak?
Sheesh.
|
Damage Control
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
01:40 a.m.First signs of DnD damage manifested.
Sigh now I have to reply to every single thread of arguement on the forum in the IVLE in order to get my grades back up to decent.
And here I am aiming for respectable.
|
Addict
Friday, April 8, 2005
02:27 a.m.So I am supposed to be editing both my papers that are due tomorrow. But what am I doing?
Staring at my screen, blasting music and eating Tim Tams. All I really want to be doing now is to be at some club drinking and grooving to some excellent hip hop with my friends.
I'm really insane. If this is not a cry for help, nothing is. Think I'll nap instead. Sigh
|
Count Your Blessings
Monday, April 4, 2005
08:02 p.m.I’ve been thinking a lot about families lately. About what makes them, breaks them or why they even exist. There are those for whom family is nothing more that a home to return to at the end of the day. A transient entity that just so happens to be a part of their life. Then there are those for whom family means everything. Like almost everything they say, think and act upon is based upon it.
Freud pioneered the theory that one’s childhood and family moulds a person and his/her character and outlook on life. So if family is so important, how come so many of us can live without it or at least choose to? Yesterday in church, I must have heard the most heartbreaking family story ever. I stepped into church (yes, late as usual) just in time to catch the mother of one of my youth member’s go on stage to give a testimony. Perhaps I was still groggy or smth but whatever it was, I was tearing by the end of the story.
I don’t pride myself on being a very emotional person but really you should have heard her story. About how she was forced to marry this uncouth, lowly educated man with so many vices just to save their family’s pride as her younger sister was pregnant and could only marry her bf if the elder sister married first. As she talked about a life of abuse, torture, and pain, I was thunderstruck. Her husband actually had multiple affairs and passed many sexually transmitted diseases to her!! What a nerve!! Not to mention all the abuse, beatings and profanities showered upon her (even when she was pregnant) and her 5 kids such that her youngest child was actually born with Down Syndrome. What began as some smash hit soap opera actually made me really upset. Well, she eventually divorced him and raises all 5 kids by herself now and they are a real handful-naughty, rude and rebellious. Even now, I am overcome with emotion as I think of such a life. All through church service, I sat 5 rows behind her and could not help but want to congratulate her on her guts and convey my admiration for her to press on in God when even I may have given up if faced with such a life.
How come families are so different? Its stories like hers that make me fear marriage. You never know what life is going to be like together. So what if he is educated, that only increases the chances of adultery, abuse and torture. What about the kids? I always thought of her 5 kids as strange and was only close to 1. But now, I feel so angry at myself for judging do soon. I always knew they had problems but never of such a magnitude. I think even my pastor was rather moved by her sharing as he suddenly called for a blessing of all fathers and head of households.
A week of families and to think that at some point last week, I was actually ready to label a certain someone's family as perfect-that is until I was privy to more salacious details. But I guess there is really no such thing as a perfect family and are all dysfunctional in one way or another since nobody is born perfect. After all, even Jesus did not have a perfect family and he was the perfect man- his mother was pregnant even before marriage and Jesus by far went thru the worst humiliation in history.
I just can’t help thinking about that testimony in church. The best part was there was nothing really to rejoice in other than her emotional realization that God was always with her. How can satisfaction come so easily? Here I am complaining and whining so much just cuz I can’t have what I want and here is a woman who has gotten nothing she wanted and yet is happy.
The joy of the Lord is my strength. And I really need to thirst no more. Telling people this is not enough. Its high time I start practicing what I preach and appreciating what I have. Like before.
|
