At the Beginning....
Sunday, May 23, 2004

01:55 a.m.

Had the laziest day ever! Just slept, ate, watched tv and slept some more!! Grandma made my favourite nasi lemak and sent it over for dinner!! yeah!! love ya forever grannie!! Just realised that I now have Disney channel free on SCV! WooHOO!! hahah Watched Hunchback of Norte Dame and Anastasia back to back manz! Made me realise how much I love animated Disney cartoons and the songs. I could actually remember the lyrics to the songs even!

Watching it just made me realise how much I love music and dancing. I still recall my secondary school days when life was all about choir,dance,prefects and other non-significant details. Gosh...life was like one big song that never ended...but things were too good to last. Very few people now even realise I love music. I don't even think anyone who only got to know me post-IJ thinks I even like to sing or appreciate music. Makes me wonder when I lost that spark...it used to shine so bright!!

It was probably around the same time I realised I kinda lost my pizzazz. I don't really know when I had it but I definitely know when I lost it. Maeb it was the unanticipated "O" level results(read not a single pter) or Robin's earth shattering lecture to me. I guess I thought I could breeze thru life, just like I had done in the past but I realised single pointers didn't drop from the sky and I couldn't expect life to fit me but I had to learn to adapt. Gosh, I was so innocent..dumb even..It was like I sobered up overnight in JC...I gave up everything! All the hedonism, carefreeness and complacency...even some friends. Even until today, Claire doesn't recognize me...I used to be her other half but now...*sigh*..

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret the wake up call. Really appreciate it actually. Turning my life around has been all good. Being where Claire, Amanda and the rest are now is far from my dreams. In fact what I am today seems so surreal, I wonder when God is gona tell me itz all a dream! But one thing is for certain, I definitely lost the one thing that kept me going...like I lost my joy or smth. Yea seriously...despite my crazy JC antics and numerous laughs and run-ins with Mr V and WJ, I wasn't happy...at all...I swore I wld find it after As and it has been 2 yrs and maeb I'm much nearer now to finding it.

It is so scary when you suddenly realise what makes you happy and you know that you can get it but the worry of loosing it shoots thru your body until you let go of the very thing you have been searching for for so long. I'm definitely not sad but I'm not happy. Maybe I'm asking for too much, maeb datz how life is? In fact, I have probably accepted the latter so much that I'm increasing unwilling to move out of this comfort zone and learn more. Gosh, I can't even take a risk without thinking abt how I'm gona fall. Itz like tt one fall never really saw me rise up again emotionally.

Seeing things tt remind me of my past like Disney cartoons, IJ pinafores and etc, just makes me wonder how one person can change in less than 5 years. Makes me wonder why I had to go thru so much when I'm back at square one anyway. Well as Amy Tan said..life is one full circle..I can only pray to get my joy back.....or to allow myself to let my joy back in and not be so afraid of loosing it all over...

....pls Lord....pls...

Momentous?
Friday, May 21, 2004

10:46 p.m.

"Last Thing On My Mind"
(Ronan Keating feat. LeAnn Rimes)

Four o’clock in the morning
My mind’s filled with a thousand thoughts of you
How you left me without a warning
But looking back I’m sure you tried to talk it through

Now I say it so clearly
We have been together but living separate lives


So, I wanna tell you I’m sorry
Baby, I can’t find the words
But, if I could
Than you know I would, yeahhhhhh

No, I won’t let go
No why we can be
I won't watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind


You carried me like a river
How far we have come still surprises me


Now, I look in the mirror (look in the mirror)
Staring back is a man I used to be with you
How I longed for you


No, I won’t let go
No why we can be
I won't watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind


Girl I’m sorry I was wrong
Couldn’t be there, should have been so strong
So, I’m sorry


Ohhhhhhh
No, I won’t let go
No why we can be
I won't watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind (on my mind)

I won't watch my life crashing down on me
As I had it all right there before my eyes, yeahhhh
Girl I’m sorry now you were the last thing on my mind
On my mind (on my mind)




......and for the strangest reason, this song seems to makes sense. Shoshi...this one is for you manz...the last thing on your mind could be the only thing you need. Maybe one day I'll realise that too..hahahaha

Wonder.....
Thursday, May 20, 2004

08:08 p.m.

Have you ever returned from a night out wondering if you had fun? As you lie in bed analysing every single event that transpired that night, you wonder if you even enjoyed it....or for that matter if the other person did...

As much as you are disappointed that some things did not go according to plan, you realise that you laughed so much and smiled till your cheeks ached. Does that equate to a good gastronomical rendevous? I really don't know... It has been 22hrs since we parted and I'm still left pondering and evaluating our night out.

ML thinks my thoughts are justified given the current situation but just maeb this alledged brain is over-rationalizing once again. It has been known to stimulate the obscurest of thoughts. Shoshi once told me to just go with the flow but this punitive mind of mine never seems to heed this call.

I've clinched sponsorship deals, slept for hours, incurred a horried cough, cleared up the JCRC rm and even learnt some html but I still don't know how last night went. Were you hinting at anything last night? Was the irony just purely coincidental? *sigh* My apologies for this ambigious post but e mind just can't seem to shrug this off! This is even after watching Troy for e 2nd time with e gals! ughh..

Topsy Turvy
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

07:32 p.m.

Whatever it is babe, I'm gona be here for you regardless of your decision. We just care about you that's all. You're the strongest person I know and my respect for you just grew twofold. Thanks for letting me in dearie. Cheers to the new covenant! =)

Inadequacy
Wednesday, May 19, 2004

12:18 a.m.

It is official now! I'm the only one in hall who is culinary deficient! Just tasted XW's cheesecake! It's almost as gd as V's...crap...It is not tt I don't cook but I've just been so used to everyone cooking for me or just buying what I want...crap...what happened to my independence? Lav resolves to make her cheesecakes more often! Well at least SOMEONE appreciates them..=)

Showers of Blessing?
Tuesday, May 18, 2004

08:30 p.m.

So after 30mins of squirming in my seat, I realised the anxiety had not gone to waste. Didn't get a mind blowing CAP but managed to retain my current standing. I honestly thought it was a goner considering how much time I devoted to hall stuff and other frivolous pursuits this sem. Hz thought I was insane for even worrying. I guess only T will understand the worry I sometimes feel for grades. It made me wonder though how everytime I receive my grades, the entailing joy or sadness just lasts a few mins before I delve back to the previous state of mind. Told Rach tt I needed to get a life outside grades but hey isn't everything else in my life tied to it? ML wld prob laugh at this but hey wait till your bonded to the freaking govt and they watch your grades like a hawk! Resolution for next sem from henceforth will be to ENJOY my modules and quit worrying about the scholastic achievements. Strange how I can seem so worried about grades but just procrastinate and watch it improve or deprove by itself. What happened to active intervention? A, T & ML, you are right...I do need yeow! ughh...the very thought sickens me..

Genesis
Tuesday, May 18, 2004

02:43 a.m.

Due to overwhelming demand, Lav has finally decided to concede to airing her life and thoughts on this virtual realm. Expect no earth shattering thoughts or stories...just incessant loquacious ramblings of a wannabe maverick in a regimented society. Epiphanies are rare as compared to lethal observations of the most asinine nature.

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