Sigh
Friday, April 28, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Imagine sitting for an exam with a 39 degree fever and the worst chronic cough.
Then imagine going home to be shouted at for even being home cuz you room has been let out to someone for the week.
And if luck could not get any worst, you are sent back to hall cuz all you need "is a bed anyway".
This is why I need my own room next year in hall.
Ughh I need TLC. Now!
Exam Fever
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Coughing.
Sneezing.
Ah-CHOOOO!
Tearing.
Sniffling.
I have perfected the art of what not to do before an exam.
Keep On Pushing!
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Gosh..why am I so out of it today? All I feel like doing is sleeping or just lazing.
What is happening to me? It's not as if my readings are horribly boring at all. Sheesh.
The First Hurdle
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
So the pain began today with my first exam. It was strange to say the very least. It wasn't much like the past year papers yet no real big surprises but still I didn't perform and it was hard to just impress you know. But what was strange was the humour this class generates in me. Like how Prof Pandit kept talking to me throughout the exam- asking me how I was and how I should show him some mercy and not write so much. It was so odd trying to write and not laugh at your Prof's conversation with you.
But then, that exam looked set to be fun from the onset. From the waiting outside the classroom to the jokes with Wenting, Daryl and the rest, just made me realise how much fun Biodiversity really was. Like Daryl thought Rapoport's rule was about "attitude" instead of "altitude". Imagine realising that 2 mins before entering the classroom. Only Daryl would do something like that.
I suppose humour like that is everywhere but maybe it was the first time I gave a USP class a chance to just shine and be itself, as opposed to deciding what it was just by the few people who either impress me or piss me off. Sigh. I can't believe I am saying this but I am gona miss them. Well here is a photo tribute.
My Hilarious Tutorial Mates: Wenting, Deborah and I
At the tree top walk at Macritchie
The Gauchos Are Calling My Name
Monday, April 24, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
I haven't had a feeling or a day like this since my first week of school back in NUS.
But today I felt it so strongly again.
I want to be in Santa Barbara now. Now dammit. Now.
I really hate this. School blows. My life blows.
I need Santa Barbara which encompasses Simon, Lindsey, Jamie, Jean and everyone else oh so bad.
Or maybe all I need is a glass of wine or tequila shot to numb the pain. I think I am really beginning to understand why Bree in Desperate Housewives resorted to drinking wine at every hour of the day. Sigh.
Someone, anyone, give me a drink. Now. And I have a freaking exam tmr. Why now man. Seriously.
I can't find you....(love)
Monday, April 24, 2006
Monday, April 24, 2006
I really am not sure why, but this song speaks out so much for me. I admit, it was Keyshia Cole's vocal acrobatics that first drew me to listen to the lyrics closely but oh man was it so apt. And then when I caught the video on MTV, it was so weird- all deja vu as I realised how close that scenario was to what I feel right now.
Well, unlike the song title, I'm not in love or anything but someone very special to me is in a similiar scenario as this video and well the words of the song kind of articulate exactly how I feel and what is going on right now. Words I can't tell him because now I can't talk to him for reasons I cannot disclose on such a public blog. And you know what? It freaking sucks that I care so much for someone who doesn't even care so much for himself. Sigh but if only you guys knew the problems. Gosh better stop revealing too much.
I used to think that I wasn't fine enough
And I used to think that I wasn't wild enough
But I won't waste my time tryin' to figure, out
why you playing games, whats this all about
And I can't believe,
Your hurting me
I met your girl, what a difference
What you see in her
You aint see in me
But I guess it was all just make-believe
Oh, Love
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
My rainy days fade away when you,
come around please tell me baby
why you go so far away
Why you go...
Love......
never knew what I was missing
but I knew once we started kissin'
I found......
Love
never knew what I was missin'
but I knew once we start kissin'
I found.....
I found you
yeaaahhhh
oooooo
Now you're gone, what am I gonna do
I'm so oo empty
my heart, my soul can't go on
Go on baby without you....
Rainy days fade away
when you come around
say your here to stay
With me boy
I don't want you to leave me
I need you.........
A Wrinkle in Time
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Isn't it odd that everytime I say that its a sure win and nothing can go wrong, something does eventally end up going wrong? And even when I tell myself to not jump to conclusions (though everything seems so right) and just go with the flow for a bit, things will STILL end up going wrong for me?
It really is my karma. It does not believe in the good of Lavinia but the good of other people. And now it has extended to affect every avenue of my life instead of just to the social sphere. Sigh.
And by the way, I don't know why I care to even be a fool when I can not be one. I am too stupid for my own good.
The Mugger Potato is in Hot Water
Friday, April 21, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
Gosh! I can't believe its Friday already and the end of reading week. Exams started in NUS today though my first exam is not until next Tuesday. It just feels so strange that exams are here and within two weeks, the semester will be over and I will be embarking on the final phase of my academic career. Since when did time fly so fast?
It's just so disturbing to think time can fly by so fast yet crawl by so slow. I suppose contradictions are a fact of life. So instead of worrying about the nitty gritty and airy-fairy stuff like this, I should really get down to studying. I seem so strangely out of it this semester that I think I'm really going to do so badly especially when this is the one semester that I CANNOT afford to.
Maybe its because I have not gotten back many of my grades and assignments this semester as most of my deadlines were so late in the semester (my last project only was due on Tuesday), so many of the professors are still in the process of marking them. Some of the classes I am doing also do not advocate a policy of giving out letter grades to students, but only reveal comments to help a student improve on the next assignment, so you see I am not exaggerating when I say that I have no blasted idea how I am doing in school at are.
I have partied so hard this semester, studied in moderation, been out too many times, missed the US once every hour and in between all of that was sleep and tv. So maybe I do now how I am going to do: bad.
Well let's hope that the penance of spending the last 3 days in the library would make up for it even if I spent the past 2 nights partying, stuffing my face with Chinese cuisine and gossiping way too much with friends.
I really am trying and it's time to focus. Ughh Lord please grant me strength to concentrate and not be so distracted and frivolous. That is just it. I am a frivilous overgrown baby who needs to buck up now or regret it forever.
Oh boy.
The Oxymoron
Monday, April 17, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
When you asked why I cared, I simply said I wanted you to be happy.
When you said no one seemed to care about you but me, I simply brushed away your silliness.
When you said you weren't over her but did not want to be with her either, my worst fears came true as my heart fell and I realised you were in denial.
When you said you couldn't imagine life without me, I got so angry but couldn't tell you why.
When you said you were scared to open up after being hurt so many times before and your intermittent periods of non-communication, were actually signs of you pulling away and asking me to move on, I told you I wasn't going anywhere.
When you said you only chased me then because she was still in your life but now that she isn't you've lost the energy to, I felt used and disappointed and realised that I really do have the worst luck in life.
When you told me to find someone else, I said not when you need me the most.
When you held me in your arms, I just kept thinking what fool I am because you will never love me.
But you know what else?
My heart is cold. I don't love you either. I only just care. Can I actually only care about someone without love?
And I don't know how to tell you that.
A Sign
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
I swear I did not rig this but the test really chose this for me!! I am telling you- New York wants me.
| You Belong in New York City |
 You're an energetic, ambitious woman. And only NYC is fast enough for you. Maybe you'll set yourself up with a killer career, or simply take in all the city has to offer. |
And your Penance shall be.....
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
I know this is supposed to be the holiest weekend in the Christian calendar but I have made it into the most scandalous weekend ever. And for that, I am truly deeply repentant. I really don't know how things worked out that way but well it took two hands to clap and I definitely facilitated alot of it.
On Maundy Thursday, instead of feeling Your fear and pain in the Garden of Gethsemane, I partied it up way too much.
On Good Friday, as I seeked to understand and be moved by Your sacrifice, I ended up bringing temptation too close.
On Holy Saturday, I should have seeked to keep vigil and mourn Your death whilst waiting for Your promises to be revealed, but I let hedonism win and played with fire.
And today, Easter Sunday, the day You rose from the dead, was the same day my flesh became much too weak to listen to the spirit.
I truly am sorry Father and I promise to keep the next week and the most part of the remaining part of my life as holy as possible. I really didn't mean to sin and definitely need to strengthen that willpower.
Thank you for understanding Lord. I really have not done anything like this before and You DEFINITELY know that.
Two Become One?
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Saturday, April 15, 2006
You know the one thing you realise about dating anyone at this juncture in their life, is that they definitely come with excess baggage. Be it in the form of a torrid breakup, jaded soul, staker-like exes or worst still suicidal exes, unrequitted love, esteem issues, parental disjunctures or the painful loss of a potential soulmate- everyone at this age comes with baggage.
It probably boils down to all the dating in secondary school and JC but is it not weird that somone so young, between 21- 25 years old could have so much issues? Imagine a person at 45? Gosh no wonder people constantly have mid life crises.
But then the question then remains: can you be in a relationship with this new person despite knowing that in many ways you may never be the love of his life or that he will never let you be? Should you be happy that at least he was honest with you about that or would you rather have not known forever and just loved with all you could and live in a bubble until things went awry?
It's weird ain't it because you yourself for one have all those issues but are choosing to push it aside for a greater common good and the want to move on. Life can be so strange sometimes. Complicated doesn't even cut it man.
Just some strange thoughts that just came to mind upon a really good night punctuated with excellent conversation with a friend.
I am no angel though. In many ways, I think someone who could have potentially been my soulmate passed me by so now its just about having fun and any talk about love makes me run far far away. The pain of the past is too great for a small soul like me to fanthom, let alone repeat again. I guess you could say I don't believe in love very much any more. But you know what's strange? I do want to believe. I so desperately want to believe again, be impressed and made to swoon all over again. But then, no one will let me. Weird eh?
A friend once said that I have such a soft soul in such a hard exterior, it's hard to understand why I never let it out. And I guess he answered his own question- nobody will let me.
Life' so strange.
All That Jazz
Friday, April 14, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
So after a emotional draining last week, this week has been anything but dull and sullen. As much I would like to divulge more details here, some things are best kept secret ya? My mother always says how publicizing something only jinxes it so hush my heart.
Oh well it's like what I told Darlene just now: It has been a VERY long time since I was part of someone's definition of an eventful and colourful week and I can't say that I did not miss that feeling.
Sigh. Gosh am I deprived.
Kudos to a Good Good Night Out
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I'm sorry. I don't think I was that buzzed but were you hitting on me? Like seriously?
I didn't even know you were interested. I mean like why would you be rite? It's not like a fine specimen of a Singaporean girl.
But still....wow.
Ain't it a Kick in the Head?
Monday, April 10, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
Isn't it amazing how some people are always alone and others are always surrounded by people of the opposite sex?
Isn't it weird how some people don't even have to work for something and just have it handed to them on a plate?
Isn't it weird that we are always not satisfied and always want more?
Isn't it weird that some girls only think they are worth something when guys made advances at them, and will do anything (even not eat), just to ensure that such attention continues?
Isn't it weird that I spend so much time complaining about nitty grittes, but yet do nothing to rectify the situation?
Isn't it weird how some people can just throw their lives away but still make good in the end and have people to pull them through?
Disclaimer: Not all of these little ironies directly apply to me or anyone I actually know. Just needed an outlet to voice some observations.
Don't Let My Heart Grow Cold
Friday, April 7, 2006
Friday, April 7, 2006
You know how it feel to just be numb? Just completely out of all emotional drive and basically just plain numb. I wouldn't even call it being emotionless or non-chalance because I do feel emotion and am not being indifferent about anything but I definitely am numb. Nothing affects me anymore.
I remember how back in the day, everything solicited an emotion of sorts from me. From a sappy love song, to a happy couple, to poor academic result or to scandalous gossip. I would react somehow. But now, I am just nothing but numb. Perhaps I am too use to being disappointed and getting nothing that I want, that on some level, my heart and my mind have collaborated to create an equilibrium where I will no longer have any more intellectual or emotional tussles.
Sometimes I think about the things I have given up ever finding- happiness, love, acceptance, true friends who don't dump you in the pursuit of love, success, an overseas work stint etc, and I realise that I now flourish in a very limited paradigm of life. But really it is my choice. If I was to open up these things again, I would be susceptible to the pain, worries and far more disappointment that even exceeds what I am feeling right now. Granted that they may be bring me joy, I know myself. It's too big an if. I truly am cursed in more ways than one and I'm not lucky enough to have life turn out so well. Always have been.
Sometimes I wonder when I turned so numb. I've come to boil it down to the people around me. All through secondary school and JC, I was surrounded by a core group of friends, whom went through life together every step of the way. No matter what it took. But then post-JC, I have been flitting amongst different friends and as much as I would like to think that my hall friends are my core group, they probably aren't. Perhaps that is it. I remember in JC, whenever I was down or discouraged, there was always some to lift my spirits up. It wasn't always the same person as it could have been Lali with an encouraging hug or Val with a smile or Kos with her endearing words or even Lizard and her mocking at my paranoia and that I could do it. But now it seems that all I do is dispense out that enthusiam to others as I encourage them academically, socially, romantically, spiritually but no one rarely does it for me. I don't demand it or anything but I am beginning to think that I need it.
I just want to be impressed and smile and believe in so many things again. Is that so hard to ask? Maybe its my stress speaking but really my heart's gone and I think my mind misses it. It's sick of rationalizing away every feeling, such that all I have is nothing.
And that's just it. I am nothing now.
Phew.
Thursday, April 6, 2006
Thursday, April 6, 2006
So the paper is finally done. Didn't sleep the whole night. I sure pray that I get through this day man. Sigh.
I need to prioritize my time better man.
Coerced Insomniac
Thursday, April 6, 2006
Thursday, April 6, 2006
Ok so I got 2.5 hours of sleep last night and I am so disappointed with that paper, I could do nothing but hand it up and face the music.
And what am I doing right now? Churning out yet another paper that is due in 6 more hours. And guess what? I am a 1000 words over the word limit. I mean seriously. What kind of idiot is a 1000 words off the word limit? I really need my head examined. Looks like my first all nighter starts now. Napped an hour in the afternoon and an hour from 11 to midnight.
ugh. Why do I love screwing myself up? I really wanted to make good this sem but just look at me now. Sigh. HELP!!
This module is so difficult, I honestly feel dumb as hell in this class and the paper is 25% of my final grade. Please Lord, please. Grant me this miracle and I'll do anything. Sigh.
Take Five
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Ok I definitely need to focus but check this out! She is my favourite. Isn't she drop dead gorgeous? Ok I so need to edit my paper now. Ughh.
Alessandra Ambrosio
You are sexy, exciting, and can be daring!
Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
Time is of the Essence
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Help!! Two papers due tomorrow and I am only in the process of finishing one!!!!
I need more time!!!!
:(
Memories of Harvard Forever
Monday, April 3, 2006
Monday, April 3, 2006
Last week was probably the craziest and busiest week that I have ever had. I know that the lazy Lav of the past would have retreated to sleep heaven as of Monday if need be but yet I pulled through all the assignments and conferences with Harvard with less than 4-5 hours of sleep every night. As tiring as that was, I doubt I have ever enjoyed work and a week of school ever so much. Here is all that is left considering they left this morning for Boston.
In deep discussion
A very eloquent Ying. Don't be fooled by his Yao Ming features and height-this guy is so articulate and witty, he puts too many Singaporean men to shame. Gosh I already miss his crazy humour.
Fun in the Night Safari!
Connie, Meghan and I while watching the animal show!
Together with Edmund, Eunice and Margaret at the Guild House
Connie, Eva and I
Eva, Vicky and I
Lying down on the comfy beanbags at MOS
A couple of us all huddled up together
The Giggy Gals At the Esplanade
The Loudest and Most Tickled Table Around
The Tallest and Shortest Participant
Man do I miss the Harvard people already. Well at least I have a tshirt to remember them by! Oh and yea I know what you guys are thinking- what's with all the Asians? Well I suppose it is Harvard so what do you expect? haha
