Failed

Saturday, November 6, 2004

01:57 a.m.

It is so strange to actually be at an event and have nothing to do. You're just expected to be a spectator and enjoy the fruits of another's labour. After toiling so much for this hall, it feels so strange to take a break. What is even weirder is to be at the same event you organized last year and for once actually be able to enjoy the show and not worry about screwups or anything at all.

But even as I watched the different culture groups perform, my mind was preoccupied with evaluating the event. And you know what's even stranger? I was not comparing CC's effort at organising Culture Night to mine but much rather I was comparing myself to him. It was almost as if he was the benchmark of success and I was measuring myself against him when it should be the reverse. Perhaps this speaks of a low self esteem but I keep doing this. Even at DnD, I always look back and compare myself and the comm to how SC and JC ran it last year. I always feel tt competition keeps me in check but lately it has become very unhealthy.

I suddenly feel like I was a lousy Culture Sec and an even worse marketing head. *sigh* Maybe it is true and the reassuring voices were merely lies. And sadly deep down something tells me that is true. I was and am a failure.

I can't seem to make anything work. Events, comm work, school, friends and relationships. I've become so detached from everything and good at nothing. I don't even know where I am. I can't believe myself at times. I can walk away from not one but two very good things in my life for no good reason. Yes, I regret but who can I tell it to? Telling anyone would just make it a reality and along with that may come tears or even anger- things I don't want to surface.

Sometimes all I want to do is walk over to one of my neighbour's rooms and just let it all out but I always manage to stop myself in the nick of time. I still don't know if our physical proximity symbolizes our emotional bonds. It probably does-I just draw boundaries at alot of areas tt even my good friends don't see.

I guess I'm just angry at myself. At how I can walk away from so many things and just sit in my room-alone. And this poor blog has to take my blows.

Time to stop slacking!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

08:46 p.m.

I have not touched my essay since I wrote it on Monday and it is due on Friday. And I still have another paper due on Saturday which I have yet to write!

I don't know why I let Rachel and Lorr drag me out to Bugis yesterday but guess what? I had so much fun shopping and not worrying about anything! But I guess the best part was coming back and realising that I still needed to buy alot more stuff! :) That means more shopping trips!! Have to start asking Mummy to top up the account more regularly. Hee! Maybe I should demand hall pays me for all the services I render so selflessly. Haha

So after shopping and slacking around, I went to bed at like 1am and woke up at 8am to work on the paper. But all I ended up doing was slacking around and surfing the net before I had a nap again at 11.30am. With all hopes for a productive morning dashed, the afternoon seemed no better as Fran and gang turned up suddenly for a much needed catch up session. Ughh I must study! Right after Charmed. The paper will be completed. Just after Charmed. :)

Interestingly, today has been eventful to say the least. The lawyer and I actually had a long and deep conversation that made us both smile. Then just a few minutes ago, my regular water replenishment routine was met enthusiastically by two other interesting men. Very strange. So very strange.

Animal Allegory

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

09:04 a.m.

Lavinia
June/24/1984
Female


You are a Black Sheep who has soft sensitive atmosphere and kind of feminine attraction.

You are not shy even towards men, and are very sociable. But unlike the atmosphere you possess, you are not that romantic and dreamy.

You are extremely realistic in that you try to build a steady business and safe family.

You have great will power, and are very strong woman. You can manipulate men tactfully.

You can serve them well to make them successful in life, and you will not easily give up half way.

Nevertheless, if it is about yourself, you tend to let loose, selfish and indecisive.

You can make objective decisions, and will not be influenced by emotions.

While you place importance on harmony of the people, you do not forget to subtly promote yourself. Therefore, you tend to have wide contact of people from early age.

You possess both dark and light side of personality, and that character comes out according to situation.

You can feel sorry for something, but you tend to be obstinate and not able to adapt to people around you.

You have rather strong maternal feelings towards men, and tend to take too much care of them. This makes other people feel as if you are interfering. So you should be careful.

After getting married, you will work hard on chores, and become a good wife. Although, you are devoted to your husband, when both of you get to middle age, your relationship may change, so you need to think up something to avoid such a situation.

Go try it.

Writing, writing and MORE writing

Monday, November 1, 2004

09:01 p.m.

Ok, I definitely need a break. It seems to be one paper after another! When is this going to end?

Last night, I actually managed to rush out my SEAsian paper in an hour and uploaded it at 12.13am. Thank goodness the IVLE workbin was still open. That has to be the fastest record for a paper written. Wrote it in an hour on Saturday night and edited it for less than hour on Sunday. I just hope the grade is proportionately more than the effort put in.

So at 12.13am, I congratulated myself for managing to hand in the paper on time (ok, so technically it was not EXACTLY on time but I'm not being penalized so what the heck!). It was time for my usual post-paper routine of supper and spring cleaning. So I got up and was about to shout for supper when I realised that I had so many more papers to write- two of which are due this week and three more next week. I didn't have time to procratinate and indulge in idle chatter. Sad right? But I ended up laughing and going over to tell Rach about my epiphany.

Not surprisingly, she laughed too. We both managed to complete our Southeast Asian history papers just in the nick of time but still had so much more papers to write. She had a marketing project due on Tues and FY had a paper due today and presentations. Ying had 3 more papers to write and 3 other papers backlogged from weeks before. And the list went on.

I'm so stressed and upset that I'm laughing at myself. Well, it is good to know that you're not alone. But we really need to stop all that time having long dinners and lazing around on each other's beds. So much work, so little time. Next sem, I'm going to count the number of papers every module has and plan from there. No more planning for early exams. I can't keep on writing more than 15 papers every sem. That is way more than an average Arts student writes! Ughh..USP!! :S

C-c-c-h-h-ange

Sunday, October 31, 2004

07:09 a.m.

It's amazing how you can look at your life and see the obvious faults in it. Like how you're not going to church or sleeping enough or even eating regular meals. But still you insist on continuing in that way of life.

Then out of nowhere comes this sign/event that makes you sit back and think. And makes you truly realise the need to change. Some call it divine intervention. I just call it that much needed sign. I got mine on Friday while walking with the girls to Sheraton Towers to view the ballroom. Out of nowhere, this middle aged Chinese guy came up to me and handed me a booklet upon wishing me the best of luck in life and to take care. Assuming it was just some publicity brochure, I started to read it when I realised it was actually a recruitment drive for a bible college. Interestingly, the weirdness did not end there. As I turned around, I realised that I was the only one he gave that brochure to amongst the group I was with and actually even in that crowd. Did I look that lost and tired? Or was God trying to tell me something?

An agnostic friend dismissed it as fate and that my interpretation of it was what gave it its spiritual dimension. True but I don't know. Something deep inside me, churned when I saw the nature of the brochure. Maybe its time I go back to the life I so embraced. There was nothing wrong with it but I still I chose to leave it- like a fool. It is definitely time for me to learn to juggle more in life and make the best out of things. I need to return.

I have a carwash in 2 hours and I can't sleep. Only slept for 5 hours but feel so awake! I have let almost 5 people come late for the carwash due to church commitments- a fact I refused to allow before. Now, I just need to allow myself that slack.

SEA Hisory paper is due by today and I have barely 4 hours between carwash and choir practice for me to finish editing it. Well things have to change. And it started yesterday, when I actually refused to be distracted and tried to write my paper. Yes, I actually refused to go clubbing! Crazy huh? Well don't jump the gun here. Let's just hope my determinism holds thru though.

Carebear Power!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

11:25 p.m.



See what Care Bear you are.

Cyclical History

Thursday, October 28, 2004

03:22 a.m.

Some things just don't end. No matter how you try to eradicate it or forget about the issue, it will still remain entrenched deep down in your heart and mind. So just when you start rejoicing that it fails to bug you as much as before, it will slowly creep back into your soul and rear its ugly head.

Perhaps I'm not mature enough to block out the unnecessary in my life. Maybe I'm just human and should just face the truth.

Just one intense look and my heart raced. I was weak. And always will be. That's not good right? But why ain't I doing anything about it?

Crumbling

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

02:24 a.m.

There are only 3 more weeks to exams and I have no time to study.

31st October 2004
SEA History Essay (500-1000 words)

4th November
Water Supply Group Paper (15% of Final Grade)
Water Conservation Paper (20pages-40% of Final Grade)

5th November
Malay Studies Essay (10 pages-40% of final grade)

9th November
Final Paper on Dowry Murders (20pages-50% of final grade)

10th November
Biomolecular Revolution Term Paper (5 pages-30% of final grade)

And I have just finished the lab report that is due tomorrow or actually later today. So many papers. So little time. No extensions allowed. I'm gona fail. :(

Evolution

Sunday, October 24, 2004

02:54 a.m.

I don't know when blogging became for me, a venue to release pent up frustration. What started out to be an outlet to write and reflect on life has become the source to incur all my emotions and bitching.

At the risk of sounding far from intelligent and simple minded, this blog is my bitch fest, shoulder to cry on and secret pleasure. Maybe I have become stupider, more bimbo and less happy.

Interestingly, with the evolution in premises of this blog, this blog is in no way outdated. Its still ever-so dear to me. So don't mind me friends if Lav sounds far from her usual self. It's still her. It's the suppressed side that noone wishes to hear out that you see here.

On Trial

Saturday, October 23, 2004

04:05 a.m.

Is being misunderstood so easy?

Its so easy to say something and for it to be interpreted as something else by the receiver. Then, that message is skewed and conveyed to wrongly to others.

Why is it so easy for us to believe the worst about ourselves? We never see our merits but constantly dwell about our faults. Or at least I do. It just takes one blemish to scrape away years and years of hard work.

Maybe Rach right. No one really knows me and I barely open up so itz so easy to misjudge. I need to open up? Well until I feel that connection, I'm never coming out. Gona stop talking so much too. Everything I say seems to be misjudged and twisted to another's advantage. It's not safe. And there is no one there.

My room is my solace. And my bear gets all the hugs I need to give. Too bad it doesn't hug back though. Cuz sometimes that is all I need.

Sleepless in EH

Friday, October 22, 2004

05:08 a.m.

Its so late/early and I can't sleep. Must be all that sleeping I did today to cleanse my body of the alcohol. I'm so glad that I ate lunch with ML cuz I slept right thru dinner despite my neighbours knocking and trying to pull me out of my bed. Hee! Extreme fatigue guys. Only alcohol truly lets it surface.

On a side note, the bazaar's total sales count looks well above the anticipated mark. Unfortunately the bash was not that fab though we did rather well despite the poor crowd in the MS stretch. Can't say I didn't have fun though. 13 shots and 3 housepours. Too damn high. Too damn screwed up.

Doubt I have ever gotten that happy in 30mins flat. Yes all the alcohol was consumed within that short time span. I'm beginning to think I should give this alcohol streak in me more recognition that I usually do.

Too bad its an unhealthy habit. Too damaging for my health, soul and feelings. Ahh but hedonism always solves problems momentarily. Cuz for 3hrs last nite, I didn't have a single worry in my mind. For once.

Anti-ACS

Thursday, October 21, 2004

04:11 p.m.

I hate all ACS guys.

Not some, not a few but ALL.

They cheat, lie and run away- all in the name of folly.

Well guess what? You're not forgiven. You have hurt me, my friends and many.

Hedonism only lasts for that short span of time. After that, the veil is lifted and we see the true self emerging.

I don't regret what I said last night.

All AC guys SUCK.

The Dark One

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

05:54 p.m.

Some people are just such troublemakers. They should be evicted out of hall!! If only I was still in JCRC!!

Such a conniving, vicious and scheming idiot. Trying to bully my friends and throw his weight around!

Hmpph.

I wonder how blind his friends are to think his humour can solve everything. Underneath that wit, is such evil, even I am afraid. I suppose like the devil he is just as enticing.

I always knew he was trouble. Call it ESP. But I knew it.

Please just ask...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

03:04 a.m.

Sometimes seniors know best.

They have been along longer and have gone thru the system. They know the ins and outs. They know what can go wrong and what can be improved upon. All you have to do is ask.

I know it may seem weird to be always bugging them for help. I know you think you can make it better all on your own. But guess what? Rome was not built in a day. And more than one hand contributed to that structure.

You don't have to listen and adhere to everything we say. But just hear us out. Ask us and we will tell you. You are free to modify and improve the advice. That is your call. You are in power after all.

But seriously. This hall is going to deprove if we carry on at this rate. I know it is hard to change and adapt to others. Trust me, I am a really stubborn person too. But sometimes we need to realise that life is a lesson that we are constantly learning from. Learning does not mean that one is weak. It means one is humble and accepting. We are here, in uni, to learn, so what harm does it do if we were to learn in other non-academic matters as well?

*sigh* Please don't misunderstand us. We are not unhappy with you guys. We just wish you guys would be less rigid. Oh and less power crazy. So many of you have changed upon stepping up to power. Power corrupts guys. Please realise that.

My Novel

Sunday, October 17, 2004

03:04 p.m.

You're Confessions!

by St. Augustine

You're a sinner, you're a saint, you do not feel ashamed. Well, you might feel a little ashamed of your past, but it did such a good job of teaching you what not to do. Now you've become a devout Christian and have spent more time ruminating on the world to come rather than worldly pleasures. Your realizations and ability to change will bring reverence upon you despite your hedonistic transgressions. Florida will honor you most in the end.


Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

One Night Stand

Saturday, October 16, 2004

11:46 p.m.

So the question was

If you were to have a one night stand with someone, who would it be?

Simple enough question you say. Well, except that I had never really given much thought to it. Perhaps Jarrod Leto or smth.

Then came the bombshell.

TZ gave me 2 options. Only 2. And they were both from Eusoff.

Talk about being stuck. So I tried whining, hoping that they would forget about it or smth. But the guys were too smart and I had to choose.

So I did and I'm pretty sure I shocked TZ and LC with the answer.

Now look who's laughing. :)

And ironically, even on hindsight, my answer still stands.

(Don't mind me. This is the release of post-bazaar trauma.)

The Bazaar

Friday, October 15, 2004

01:41 a.m.

Skipping all lessons.

Undone assignments.

Sleeping for 2 hrs every day.

Being on my feet from 8am to 8pm.

Rushing to meetings after meeting till way past midnight.

Being cranky and snapping at people.

Having other cranky people be anal at you and your members.

Sleeping at sunrise and waking up less than 3hrs later.

Thriving on that very little sleep for 4 days.

That's the life of a marketing head who is in charge of the bazaar.

Not much of a life but a load some say.

But there is no turning back and I can't say that I'm not having fun.

Accomplished

Sunday, October 10, 2004

05:26 a.m.

Ahh...the comforting feeling of accomplishment.

Completed a 45 slide long presentation and a 5 page paper today. Was supposed to have done it over the week but due to the overwhelming amount of hall stuff, I put it off indefinitely. On Thursday, I literally did my part of presentation (25 slides) in less than 2hours (inclusive of research). I was pretty freaked that the rest of my groupmates were going to be unhappy with me for my lack of commitment but surprisingly everyone was experiencing the same mid-semester burnout and our presentations were all far from perfect. None of us had hit our quota and the whole thing was just 50 slides long. There was no way we could present for 1 hr with just 50 slides and get a decent grade. The lecturer wanted a comprehensive and detailed report on the water problem in LA. But all is fine now. After all my work and JW's, it now stands at 110. That just leaves KC's. But that is not a worry given how kiasu he is.

Nonetheless, I have managed to catch more shut eye, eat, complete my Water Supply presentation to perfection, have an adequate background presentation to give my lecturer about my final paper on Water Conservation, and finished writing my USP paper along with the much needed editing.

That just leaves my movie review on Indochine. Must finish that by Sunday night given that everyday next week will be taken with bazaar prep and bazaar itself. If only this determination will carry through! :)

Mad Rush

Saturday, October 9, 2004

10:09 p.m.

Wow, I don't think any other week could qualify for the epitomization of the word busy. Ok fine, so maybe the 2 weeks leading up to orientation and orientation itself was that hectic. But still, I have not solved so many catastrophes in such a short span of 5 days and not fall sick!

It was like one hit after another. First the bash screwup, as for the first time Zouk proved to be careless and had to withdraw our deal with a full refund. No worries you say? Well, not when you must have a bash on the 20th or at least by that week. Thank goodness for the free CoccoLatte membership NJ signed me up for 2 months ago, as well as TZ's and Sham's valuable input.

Then came the whole bazaar nonsense. First, with the division of money, then with the size of our collections, then with the problem of vendors and SL's obstinance that he decided to step down as our facilitator. Could you believe that I had 4 bazaar meetings on Monday alone? And in the course of these 5 days, I had 6 bazaar meetings!! That is like more than one a day!! Kudos to all the marketing heads for this remarkable feat and still standing tall!

I was really squeezed dry this week alone. Managed to solve the bash problem in 2 days. Then had to handle the whole bazaar crap. Not just the meetings and the excessive mellowdrama by Expedition and DP but also the irritating vendors that pulled out at the last minute. I literally had Mrs Fields pull out on Friday morning (which made me panic for a whole 3hours by the way) and by Saturday morning I had FBT. I don't know if I work too hard or am just screwed. Then I had to pick up the goods from the vendors, go for committee interviews, rush my Water Supply presentation, go for 2 project meetings, conduct Pageant interviews and finish up my paper. All in 5 days!! And I still managed to meet Lizard for supper!

I'll probably look back at this time in my life and laugh at how I let hall take priority in my life. Or maybe I will think back on what a terrible 2 weeks it has been. Or how I have not been there for my friends and they are scared to even come to my room cuz I find talking a waste of time when I have so much work to do.

I'm sorry Rach that I didn't spend time talking to you when you actually came to comfort me. I am unhappy but its for things I rather not articulate. It's not DnD, don't worry but for now that will have to be my life.

My apologies Lorr for bothering you with the last minute problems. I really wish I could be there for you especially when you're so down and out but I don't have time babe. I really don't. But I did do smth that I need to tell you about. Just have not had the time to. Remind me ya?

Thanks Ying and SD for the encouragement. This is one stressful year for the 8 of us man and we will GET THROUGH IT!

Oh and so sorry ML that I couldn't even spend time with you when you came to stay over on Tues. It was crazy week to say the least. But having you there just made me feel better. Like for once the wall was not just a facade but felt supported with pillars.

Hanging By a Thread

Thursday, October 7, 2004

02:17 a.m.

I'm drowning.

I'm over my head in work, work, work.

I really don't know what to do.

Tears are welling up but there is no time to cry.

Not expected to cry.

It's crying that will never be heard.

So, no use crying.

Cuz crying doesn't solve anything.

And everyone assumes that I'm just stressed and will get over it.

As usual.

F*** the world.

Exhilaration

Sunday, October 3, 2004

08:52 p.m.

And I can honestly say it exceeded my expectations!

Despite all the hype in the evening in C3 as we swapped clothes around and paraded in outfit after outfit, trying to find the perfect ensemble, I was very much still not in the mood for chionging.

Maybe cuz I had ended my stressful week on Thursday and my therepeutic spring-cleaning on Friday were enough for my mind to rest. Everyone else had had midterms on Saturday or were still in the midst of exam mania. Furthermore, fatigue was all my mind could think of at the moment.

Nevertheless, everything else before the night did not matter. Good music, too much alcohol and excellent company are a potent clubbing mix. And I had one hell of a night. Figured everyone thought I was damn high but seriously I was just happy. Happy to let loose. Happy to smile. Happy to not think and just do!

It didn't matter that ET had to drop the bombshell on me the minute I stepped into Newsroom Bar.

I couldn't care less that an ex-teacher was there and may have thought less of me.

And best of all, it didn't affect me at all that he was away. Though DM seemed alot more upset for me that he was not around. Oh and the guys too.

Yea so a friend did not have as good a night as us. And yes, so another friend ran off with our bags to KBox, leaving me and Ying walletless and handphoneless. And it also didn't help that the lawyer acted all cutesy with me for some strange reason. Heck, but I still partied on! My top was completely drenched in sweat when I left the club. I remember Jit exclaiming how his thigh muscles hurt from dancing with me and he was like the tenth person I went down so low with, that night. Relax! Most of them were girls so stop the judging.

Bar top dancing, pole dancing, dirty dancing. You name it, I did it all. And it is not so often I let myself go like that. It must have been the skirt. Haha

Growing Pains

Saturday, October 2, 2004

07:00 p.m.

I'm horizontally gifted and big boned!! :(

The neighbours are going around swapping clothes but I'm scared to try cuz I'm probably so much bigger than them!

Time to watch the diet!!

Spick and Span!

Saturday, October 2, 2004

04:15 a.m.

My room is finally clean!! Super clean and as neat as I would like it to be! A clean fan, a clean table and organized shelves!

Just spent the last 3hrs cleaning and tidying up things!! Have been itching to do it for weeks!! And for once, it is not stress related but cuz I just wanted to do something no-brainer for once.

Kind of like a clean slate for a new beginning. :)

Stress Ball please...

Thursday, September 30, 2004

07:03 p.m.

The horrid week is OVER!!!!

I can finally relax and breathe for the next day at least before I get started on the other assignments and committee work. Haha and you know what the funny thing is?

I'm actually getting used to this super stressed atmosphere and feeling calm has become an alien feeling. It has become so much a part of me that today when ET called with a near crisis, Lav did not panic at all but merely smiled and started making the necessary phonecalls to avert the crisis.

Well it takes one crisis to equip you for another. I guess that is why they call it refined by fire.

Fixing Broken Hearts and Clogged Windpipes

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

02:23 a.m.

Has it suddenly become the season for break ups? In like 1 week, 2 friends have come to me heart broken over failed relationships. As much as it hurts me to say this, I really don't know how to handle heartbreak. You see most often I just run...wherever...even if its straight into another disaster, I run. It just seems easier that way.

Maybe that is why secondary school was such a whirlwind. Just one rush after another until things changed and I took time to reflect. It made me see the right and wrong of the relationship but you know what? That solution sucks! You're never truly over the person! Small things remind you of him. Certain places or events become off limits. It is like an invisible barrier between you and life. So like I say..run! I spent too much time pondering about the last one and look how that has left me.

So CS and JY, I really don't know what to say. I can listen, hug and crack jokes but ultimately I really do not know what to do. I apologise if I don't seem to be there. Besides being so bogged down, break ups are something I can only be there to listen to. Tell me what you want and I promise I will try.

And CS, it is no use doing a post-mortem of your relationship with him. You keep going back to right where you started. You have done this for 3 years and babe, please if you have to let go, walk away. Please. I know it is so easy to melt and forget what to say when he is around so no use pretending to be strong. Just be the coward and walk away. If you really really know that you wana walk away then please do. I don't want to see you unhappy and "what if-ing" everytime we meet.

Oh and when you said I don't know how it is like to be all tongue tied and suddenly forget what to say at the sight of him, you were wrong. I do. Cuz that was why I couldn't breathe last night. I do know babe. I know how it is like to not know what to say and just wana run away or risk materializing everything that you, for some strange reason, want but know you shouldn't want. That is a sin. It definitely has to be babe.

Retreat

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

05:20 p.m.

I need a break.

Away from everything. Away from everyone.

Just a small, small room with myself and God.


I want out. So why don't I have the guts to do it?

Thought of the Day

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

01:20 a.m.

Can you abhor something so greatly but yet love it just the same?

Afterall, the line between love and hate is so fine.

And the question remains.

Strangeness

Monday, September 27, 2004

06:52 p.m.

Boy, is this a weird semester!

After my Los Angeles Water Supply presentation today, I returned to my seat rather contented. Watching the other groups made me laugh as one guy's powerpoint kept shutting down on him while another guy had just one slide and smoked his way through the entire presentation on Solid Waste in L.A., much to the frustration of my poor lecturer.

Then, at 1.30pm, my dear lecturer suddenly realises that it is impossible for 8 groups to finish presenting on the environmental problems in LA, so pushes back the entire schedule by a week. So naturally elated me thought of how now I had an entire week more to complete my water supply report. Then he goes and tells us how we are having individual presentation starting from the week after.

That alone set the entire class of 25 into panic. Solo presentations? There was never in our syllabus. Everything was group work except the paper! Then the dear lecturer goes on to insist that second part of our presentation on other environmental issues was to be done alone. Yup, you guesses it. The whole class was in total panic. After weeks of working together, he was suddenly telling us to present individually? What about those other 5 groups that had to do Jakarta's problems? Were they now groupless?

Imagine a confused lecturer dictating instructions to an outraged class of 25 who vehemently insisted that we had been instructed to do something else altogether. A whole class lost in a module that even the lecturer cannot fathom.

I have weird lecturers.

For the record, there was still no resolution to the problem.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

05:43 p.m.

I can't decide if doing this module on India is a blessing or a curse. Apart from the loads of papers, I have suddenly become so strictly feministic.

While doing some research for my presentation on caste, I stumbled upon this.

Now I don't know who I should direct my angst at. India or men? But I guess I can't blame anyone since the problem is so inherently part of a system that can't seem to be annihilated.

And you ask me why I dislike my race. Hmpph...

Maybe I should narrow it down to just disliking the men of my race . Just look at the ones in Singapore alone. *Bleahz* Not that I am any better but seriously, they need to get a life.

Fiji Apples

Saturday, September 25, 2004

10:46 p.m.

It is rather interesting how people think cyberspace is the perfect arena to voice their distaste and anger for someone. Maybe cuz it gives them the privacy of being unknown and just a faceless nickname spewing ludicrious accusations.

I implore the person who so willingly defamed me to come talk to me face to face. Not because I want to deny your accusations or tell you off but because I would like to know why you feel this way. Though I may have a sneaking suspicion of who you are, I am not ready to point fingers. It is rather odd that you are so ready to spread this around in cyberspace and EVERYONE around. You never seem to give me benefit of the doubt or even reveal my inadequacies to me. It strikes me as strange that someone who seems to know me so well, never seems to want to talk to me about it.

And anyway just to inform you, I doubt you know the same RS I mention in my blogs. Not all the people mentioned in my blogs r one and the same or are from Eusoff and I never need to clarify that cuz my entries are meant for me and close friends who know what is going on. So please don't assume you know everything just cuz you read something that vaguely reminds you of something else.

I may not be perfect but I doubt you are too so until we both are, let's just shut up and mind our own business.

Those Lazy,Hazy,Crazy Days

Friday, September 24, 2004

11:18 p.m.

Talk about one real lazy day!

All I did for the whole day was SLEEP, SLEEP, EAT and SLEEP! There is something wrong with me! Only woke up in time for lunch and by the time I settled down to get some work done, it was already 2+pm. Even then I had to churn out some DnD proposals and work out some sponsorship things till 4pm when I decided it was time to head home and miss the IBG games.

I swear this DnD thing is NEVERENDING! Everytime I think I'm about done and can finally concentrate on other stuff, something new crops up! Rach and Ying were commenting yesterday about how I seem so disciplined in doing my work. Even Clement is convinced I'm mugging. Well, sorry to disappoint you guys but Lav is not studying. She is furiously marketing and drafting proposals. Ughhh...I'm supposed to be heading just one cell but at the way things are going, I seem to be heading two as Xilin is swarmed with school at the moment...not like I'm not...*sigh* Don't even know why I'm being so nice. Well on an optimistic note, it is going rather well. My pageant cell is functioning perfectly but as for sponsorship..well work IS in progress so well I just got to keep praying! So far it is a GIANT improvement from last year and let us hope it keeps that way!

I still have to complete my Buddhism paper, do the presentation on Caste in India and study for my mid term. Have to do everything by Sunday. *sigh*

So why am I still SLEEPING????

Well at least coming home has been good. Being in hall can be so depressing at times. Words can't express how much more refreshing home is. But of course, it is because there is room for comparision that I can feel this way. Haha or maybe cuz I just realised that I'm not in such a big academic slump as I thought I was.

People's ACTION PARTY

Friday, September 24, 2004

02:35 a.m.

With such events occuring, it only makes me wonder what else I should psych myself for.

Partying at Zouk will not give them the votes of the young punks out there. You'll just chase them off to some other club as they desperately try to to steal back the night scene as their form of escape from the dreadful system we call life in Singapore.

Imagine seeing your MP going around buying drinks for you in Zouk. Imagine LKY hip-hoping in Phuture. Imagine GCK mamboing. Perhaps Zouk will make record sales for a month or so as people come to take a look at this spectacle politics has been reduced to. But eventually, its ever precious label of the best nightspot in Singapore will diminish into oblivion.

TZ and I were joking about how Zouk would be the new chill out hangout after a long day in parliament. Then comes along JB Jeyaretnam's anti-govt calls alongst the road leading to Zouk and MS. Soon, Chiam See Tong comes along and buys a share in the club in an effort to garner votes. Entry to Zouk is no longer by age but by whethere you are pro-PAP or anti-PAP. Bouncers no longer worry about weed being passed around but confiscate anti-PAP propaganda instead!! Then a few years down the road when Chiam See Tong beats PAP again at Potong Pasir, they will close down Zouk for being ANTI-GOVT!

A hilarious night to say the least.

Thanks for the laughs TZ and HZ. Sometimes I even forget the reality momentarily. Such miracles....

Miracles do happen!

Thursday, September 23, 2004

01:20 a.m.

We can actually have a harmonious bazaar deconflicting session!! That actually lasts for less than an hr! Haha...

Oh and scheming Chip and Kim can win the amazing race! Apparently lies get you places these days.

And while we are at the topic of miracles, I actually managed to face him today. Even if I ran away as fast as I possibly could.

I said miracles can happen. I didn't say revolutions could.

Can Let You Go.....

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

02:20 a.m.

Slightly more than a year ago, I heard this and stopped short in my tracks. I blasted the radio as it played and I thought back about the ex. I know it was so long ago but I did. Since then, this song has been a secret favourite of mine. Even though it spoke of a philandering husband who couldn't leave his paramour, the words spoke to me. Maybe cuz the situation was slightly similiar to mine or maybe cuz I just couldn't let it go.

Nevertheless, everytime I heard the song, I would be so caught up in the words or my thoughts that I never managed to catch the title of the song or the artist. I remember hearing the song on an episode of CSI a few months ago. I recall being at Cindy's house waiting to leave for the wedding, when I heard strains of the tune coming from the TV. Almost instinctively, I rushed out to catch it. I actually waited to the end to see the credits and hopefully catch the title of the song. Unfortunately, luck was not with me and I was back at square one.

Then yesterday I heard it. I had gone to Launch to check out some of Houston's MTVs and thus left it running. Out of nowhere, the song appeared. I was actually writing a sponsorship proposal to Red Earth when the song started playing. I was so shocked. Just when I had really forgotten it (the song and everything else), it came back. It didn't help that before that I had been thinking of walking away from smth. Even my MSN nick boasted of it. Then suddenly the song popped up. Along with a flood of anger, sadness and melancholy.

I've been playing it non-stop for the past day and I ain't sick of it. Perhaps the lyrics mean even more this time. Perhaps I just needed that sign. Perhaps I need more than a sign this time. Perhaps.

Because I’m still going let it go.


"At first you were somethin i denied
Something I would slide
Just do somethin in the ride
But shorty
There's something that you provide
Cause the entre ain't as good without something on the side"

Just Eliminate Me Pls.......

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

12:42 a.m.

Gosh I've been dying to blog all week long!!! And here I was...SO SO SO SO SO SO SO BUSY!!!. So glad the holidays are finally here. Not like that is of much significance when I still have SO MUCH WORK to do!!

I have 2 presentations, 1 mid term and 2 papers due when school starts. There is like so much DnD stuff to do too. Kinda overwhelming and I really feel like sinking everytime. Maybe that is why it is so hard for me to loosen up lately. Every one of my thoughts revolves around school and DnD. I think I pressurize my heads too by living right next door to them and running over to their rooms, every other second with a problem. So so sorry Lorr and Rach! I'm so glad you guys are around! Doubt Xilin and I could manage without you two.

I feel so submerged I don't even have time to think about anything else. Not even my friends or life or him. I'm so nonchalant that I even for once HONESTLY told ML I was gona end it cuz we had no time. It was so matter of fact. No negotiation or negated feelings but just pure facts. Usually when I say goodbye, there is a part of me that aches-that wishes to run back- but I am so far away from myself now I don't even have time to feel. I actually told Shan that it was time to hole myself up in my room and mug and f*** the entire world. What's happening???

Maybe JM is right. I need to rest and be taken care of. But guess what? No one is there to take care of me..emotionally that is...but no one sees that, so how can I just let go and leave? Everyone just expects me to be strong and survive cuz I always do...and as always I will survive...I suppose...*sigh* I can't even be there for my friends cuz I'm so damn screwed, that I don't even know how to handle any more probs. That was why I was so out of sorts with you ML. So sorry.

Just recently, a friend's bf told me about how he was going to stay up with his gf for as long as she took to complete her papers and to accompany her thru this stressful time in her life. For some reason that was the sweetest thing I ever heard. This wasn't some honeymoon romance but a good 4 year relationship. It really made me think. I can't even bare all to my friends or neighbours for they themselves are so stressed and perturbed. So who the hell cares rite?

So solve your own problems. And there is only one option: ELIMINATION.

Eliminate him.

Eliminate the gossiping bitches.

Eliminate the lies.

And what do you have?

Papers (x2)

Mid Terms (x1)

Presentations (x3)

DnD Bazaar (x7)

DnD Bash (x1)

Other DnD Stuff (x2)


Well that is probably much lighter.

I need an outlet. I need to pound something..correction someone. But for now a shoulder to cry on would be good.

Call In Life?

Monday, September 13, 2004

03:18 p.m.

Sometimes I wonder if I was really meant to teach? Everytime I'm convinced I took the wrong scholarship, I look back and realise how I'm always teaching.

Just last nite I was about to log off and sleep when Jit msged me in complete panic. The boy sounded so bad I stayed online to talk to him. Then he asked if I could give him a crash course in PS- a module I have not directly taken but it overlaps so much with HY, I know what is going on. So until 4.30am, I taught him government structures and definitions. I even went thru 2 exam papers with him! It was so STRANGE.

I never even did the module and here I was teaching him. He looked so bad that I could swear he looked on the verge of tears. As he sat on my chair, I drew parallels to Singapore society and US politics. And he actually understood my teaching while I enjoyed the experience. Perhaps I am meant to be a teacher. Maybe it is time I accept that fact and stop seeking a transfer to another govt dept?

I am always uncannily the teacher. In every module, I will always end up explaining the concepts to a fellow friend once I have grasped it. That is why it is such a relief to do modules with Ying and Rach cuz as teachers, we, for some reason or other, think along the same wavelength and can discuss it at tt level. Gosh..I am a teacher........

It didn't seem to matter that the super long session with Jit made me so tired this morning that I didn't wana wake up. Yes, I did drag my sorry ass to class and it happened AGAIN. I bumped into them on my SLEEPIEST DAY! Well the smiles are back for us and that is what's impt. A small reward for a small sacrifice.

So freaking high..

Monday, September 13, 2004

02:19 a.m.

...that I can't stop giggling. Wana smile and smile and smile. All the planning is going to my head! Better not get my hopes up lest they be dashed by poor attendance on Tuesday.

After laughing my guts out at the planning meeting and smiling, Xilin came to give me a rose! It is really gorgeous I tell you. Thanks sweetie! Found out if you use it to stroke along CJ's neck, she'll get all ticklish and squirmy! Haha Sorry Shan but I'm bullying her.

Then, I ran into JM downstairs, who was as usual, so adorable. He screamed my name thru the corridor and was all chirpy and perky. Hez so damn cute I tell you. Small boy stuck in too toned a physique. He really made me smile. Thx JM!

Everyone is so stressed around me, I can't help but be hyper. Like I need to balance the karma or smth. Ok time to spread the joy and right the wrongs. No more dwelling in the past!! In order for this high to be maintained, I need an A- on my India paper. Come on Lav. All things are possible!


"Tho' its not easy to tell you goodbye.
Gotta take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away." -KC

Insomniac

Saturday, September 11, 2004

10:35 p.m.

Ever felt so restless yet so tired that you yawn at almost every available moment of the day?

I'm so tired and I'm not really sure why. It is not like I have been working very hard or studying religiously but fatigue seems to be coming in torrents.

Each day I come back from school and sleep. Sleep all the way to dinner. Just last Wednesday, I skipped my only lesson of the day on the pretext of doing my paper when all I did was sleep,watch SATC and do bits my paper. Thank goodness for dear ET who helped me take notes.

What makes it worst is that this fatigue is not from being busy but from sleepless nights. Sleeping has never been an issue with me. I remember back in JC when by 11pm,my eyes would barely even be open. If I was to be out clubbing, the whole afternoon before would have been spent sleeping to recharge my batteries. But now I can't seem to sleep at all.

It started last Saturday night when I tossed in bed till 4am despite my air-con and fan on at full blast. As a result, I missed church and slept till 1pm. Then again on Sunday night, I couldn't sleep till 4.30am but this time I thought perhaps the green tea had me on a high. You see, I drank 1.5litres of green tea to keep me awake while I did my USP paper on Hinduism. I went to bed at 3am and from the moment my head hit the pillow, I was plagued by so many thoughts and reminders that I got back up at 3.30am and started planning for DnD and wrote out a list of things to do for school. I had to force myself to bed at 5am!!

This has been going on for the whole week. I can't sleep at night and the minute I do, my mind keeps churning with things to do or stuff that is going on now. Just keep tossing and turning. Just on Thursday I was wide awake till 5am organising my notes and cleaning my room. I literally forced myself to sleep by watching 3 episodes of SATC Season 4 to get me lethargic. Even then, the whole night was spent dreaming of people and meetings and events.

Yesterday, I slept at 11.30pm in the hope to get a full night rest for the first time in a long while but ended up waking up at 1.30am. bubbling with energy. I actually watched cable till 3am then came online, blogged and surfed and finally hit the sack at 5.30am. It is so strange. I can't sleep at all. Lorr too has been complaining about the same feeling of sleeplessness and it worries me. I can literally see the horried eye bags forming along with the dark circles around our eyes.

Each night the same things keep me awake and each day I feel so lethargic. Sleep used to be so therapeutic. Everytime I was stressed or upset I would sleep but now I can't even find comfort in that. I have no release and this is not healthy. Maybe I need alcohol. But even then I don't let go completely. I need.........*sigh* but those things don't come easy.

No More Men!

Saturday, September 11, 2004

03:47 a.m.

It is amazing that despite Singapore being such a modern and advanced society, there are still men out there who think women are secondary in status.

I am appalled. Imagine that all this while in JC and uni, the guy sitting right next to me in class could have been thinking about how much better off I would be in a kitchen than in a classroom competing against him.

The thought in itself sickens me. So you ask why this sudden revulsion at men? Well let me enlighten you.

At a rather interesting debate in my Indian civilization class on Thursday, some guys (Singaporean CHINESE mind you) commented that perhaps women need not vote, for it increases their pressure. His remark was made in response to a presentation a team did on the fight for woman's franchise in India since colonial times and despite finally attaining it, the number of women voting was small due to high illiteracy rates or husbands not allowing them.

So back to the guys. Initially, I thought perhaps we should give thess guys a break. Maybe they are refering to women in India alone and are xenophobic. Then one of them goes on to say how cooking and cleaning are very demanding tasks (I don't disagree on that) and that voting is just one more humongous task that adds to a woman's pressure, even in developed countries like Singapore. Now I was just shocked. I mean seriously, so are you saying women can't handle pressure while a man that works all day long and is so tired can still find the energy to vote cuz he handle stress better? That is just bullshit dude.

So I expected the class to shoot down his ideas or at least I was prepared to but like almost instantenously all the guys sitting around him started to band together in support of him. One remarked how franchise and women's rights are a Western concept that need not be applicable to Asia. Asian women need not be as equal as men due to our different cultures and religions. Therefore, feminists were wrong in judging Asian women as oppressed for they used a Western barometer and that Asian women were probably most happy at home even if their Western counterparts were not.

Yes, we may be imposing a Western system on them but are you telling me a women does not have the right to choose? We should have prerogative to choose the life we want. If you wana be a housewife, go ahead! No one is stopping you and if you wana study, that is fine too. Just cuz we menstruate and are physically weaker does not equate to us being lesser humans without the freedom of choice. That is just crap. And by the way, feminists did not force women to leave their houses and work or study. Industrialization and modernization did when it needed all the human capital it could tap upon to be utilised in order to flourish. Why is India still so undeveloped? Well cuz all the women are at home cooking instead of going to school or to work. Well, they could secretly try but would probably risk being burnt instead by their mother-in-laws and husbands. Bet you didn't think of that.

The feminist movement does not encompass one of anti-testerone cries but one of freedom of choice amongst the females of the world. Every human has the right to be who they want and where they want to be regardless of sex or culture. If your family can't afford an education and the government is too poor to subsidize it, then perhaps your life is one contained to the domestic but at least you can still vote. Poverty and illiteracy does not make us any less of a human being.

So as you would gather, the debate in class went on like that. Correction, there was no debate. The views the 5 guys offered left no room for anyone to talk. They just kept adding on to one another and agreeing that women were being forced into having a choice. One imbecile actually said the women in Japan are greatly respected. He is definitely an imbecile. Remind me again on the country with the highest domestic violence rate? How many women do you have in the Japanese parliament in all history? One. And that idiot actually had the decency to say he did a project on Japan and found that out. Well, dude you must have failed that module cuz everyone knows that the Japanese woman commands the lowest position in a household.

Granted their views possibly had 20% truth in it, I was even more shocked to think they thought the same of all women everywhere. I am never much of a feminist especially since I still expect a man to hold a door open for me but this time they really ruffled my feathers. You are questioning my right of choice and blame my colonial masters for giving it to me for it now disadvantages your ego. Well suck it dude. I am ashamed to share the same classroom as you. Mind you, this was a USP class. The alledged creme de la creme of NUS. I see no intelligence in sight though. Do you?

If you can live in Singapore and still think this way then f*** off. I have no time for you and your juvenile ways. I always knew Singaporean men were a disgrace to their gender and now I am only more affirmed in my believe.

I hate men. Such capricious, chauvinistic, egocentric, preposterous creatures that think they are the paragon of perfection. 'Tis a pity I was made from a rib in your body. God should have made us all separately. Then maybe I would stop looking out my window so much and catch you staring at me. Dammit.


Apologies for the long long post and intense use of profanities. I'm completely outraged and plagued with cramps and a certain confused individual.

Tearing Me Up

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

07:59 p.m.

Another of them just came to my room to tell me that he feels he is not doing his work well and asked how he could improve.

I don't know if I am to be impressed or just laugh. His work was actually fine by the way. He was just being paranoid. It is just comm work but he makes it seem like some graded assignment.

Stop being so sweet and responsible. It actually makes me feel worse. Makes me realise how we are not talking. Please don't be so nice guys. It actually hurts more. Yea for some strange warped reason, it hurts so much more.

Oh and he called 30mins later to tell me he is gona come for the meeting stinking of sweat cuz he just finished his run and cannot bathe in time. Dammit, please stop. I may actually cry.

Stress

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

03:36 p.m.

I have the world's most challenging paper to write by tomorrow. It is a simple movie review but the questions are so precise yet ambigious. Worst still, it can only be about 800 words long which is so screwed. I can't decide if I have nothing to say or too much to say. I'm so freaking scared that I'm going to write out of point. Maybe I should psych myself to get a pretty low grade on this paper. :(

Guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have all this hall stuff coming at me. So many meetings, so many phonecalls. I literally have Dinner and Dance meetings on Mon,Tues,Wed and Thurs. What the heck??!! I'm not complaining but I just have so much planning to do and I'm beginning to wonder if I took up more than I could handle.

And as if I seem to be atoning for blowing up at him, I've become saccarinely sweet to his friends. Helping them and being courteous- going out of my way to be nice. One of them just called to say he won't be at meeting tonight and kept profusely apologising and asking me not to be pissed. Truth be told, I am not. I was actually pleased at his responsibility and kept laughing with him on the phone. So I was surprised that he kept asking me if I was fine by it and thanked me for my understanding. He just kept reiterating me how sweet I was, like he was boot-licking or smth, but as I peered out of my window to see, I realised they were together.

As the conversation ensued I realised the truth, they are damn scared of me after I walked out black faced from the talk with RS. Well, I'm no longer pissed. I was but it was irrational and I told you it was a purely professional thing. And ya maybe I don't know how to restart with him cuz I suck at fights and so by being super nice to all of you, I was hoping he would say something. But I just made him feel worse. F***.

You have to realise he was an anomalie. I let my emotions get the better of me. That was why I couldn't really understand when he first told me the news. You guys don't need to be sweet to me to appease me. That is his job. And I don't need to be super nice to you to make myself feel better. I need to be nice to him but I don't know how. F***.

And this damn paper is killing me. Perfect.

Afflicted

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

03:17 p.m.

My heart is in my mouth and I keep smiling to myself. I don't know why. For the first time I am tongue tied and can't really breathe properly.

I do believe I'm ill. Something is so f***ing wrong with me. I never thought I could feel this way but apparently I am human too. I just wish I knew what was going on cuz even I am confusing myself.

Release

Monday, September 6, 2004

02:41 a.m.

It is amazing how light you can feel when you finally let out all the angst and emotions.

Thx Lzd for the dinner. You cannot imagine how light I felt when I walked back to my room. Eventhough I have made vague allusions in my blog to the stuff bogging me down, I doubt many really understood what I was saying unless they were with me at the time of those incidents.

Saying it out today was interestingly liberating. I never really planned to articulate it to anyone and just let it pass but maybe cuz you seemed as stressed as me my stress hormones felt so at home. Hahhaa

Thanks babe for listening and you hang in there too. In doubt, just sleep. It IS the best remedy. Haha

Oh! The India paper is 99% done. First paper of the sem. Hope it is good. Still have the freaking movie essay to do by Thurs. *jiayong*

Come on babe..FOCUS!

Saturday, September 4, 2004

10:59 p.m.

40% done on my India paper and it should be completed by tomorrow afternoon..if I stop sleeping and going out. Just got back from a family BBQ and have ANOTHER wedding tomorrow.

*sigh* There is something wrong with me lately. I never seem to want to leave my bed when I know I have so much to do. Slept at 11.30pm last nite and only woke up at 2pm!! AGAIN!

I'm like way behind in school and hall stuff is just overwhelming at the moment. I don't even know how to handle everything at the moment. :( And as if that ain't sufficient, I seem to be giving in to another form of temptation everytime my mind lingers. Maybe all the sleeping is my classic form of escapism- running away from the pressures around me that I just don't know how to articulate to anyone.

This is so not you Lav. What happened to the focus and drive? Why are your mind and eyes always going somewhere else? I'm not here for frivolous pursuits but lately everything I do seems to revolve around that.

Hmmphh...I'm torn. There is a part of me that wants to turn back and try cuz if I don't do so now, then when will I? But the rational side of me always makes me walk on, though I know deep inside, that I will regret it in time to come. Such torment, but for unexplainable reasons I will have to keep walking.

Lord, just give me the focus and courage to live by your plan cuz lately it is all hazy and uncertain.

Please Smile! For me? Please?

Friday, September 3, 2004

07:33 p.m.

There is something wrong with me! I keep sleeping! I only woke up at 3pm today. Just last Sunday, I woke up at 5pm!! Maybe cuz I'm sleeping as early as 4am or 5am, hence the accumulated fatigue. *sigh*

Anyway I planned to blog about DnD and the rather colourful highlights that I just had to chronicle but something more poignant occured at dinner that I just have to blog about.

Something that makes me feel so bad and useless. How can someone look so stressed and tired out? Gosh, I really do miss him and his innocent smiles. I don't think I can handle a depressed RS. But how am I supposed to make him smile? Don't want to try too hard lest he gets the wrong idea. Ughh...Help?

Interestingly I don't have to make him smile. But strangely I want to. Weird.

*Sniff* *Sniff*

Thursday, September 2, 2004

01:46 a.m.

I smelt him.

Like out of the blue, I caught a waft of air that instantly reminded me of him.

A mere innocent walk back from the toilet and just as I was about to enter my room, I sniffed it. For 10secs, I just stood there waiting..just waiting.

Waiting for him to suddenly appear?
Waiting to find something from him in my room?

I don't know. It was preposterous to even expect him here but my heart seemed to hope. It was so strange.

I am weak and today I realised how soft I really am. Unfortunately, I will have to live my whole life hiding that fact.


"I wanted you right here with me
but I have no choice, you've gotta leave ."

Ain't No Lab Rat

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

06:12 p.m.

I figured it out.

Know why people in science are often the boring, poorly dressed, lack lustre dweebs? It is cause they spend 3hours mixing less than 20ml of acids with DNA and waiting another whole 10mins between every step for the solution to cool, settle or whatever else.

They just wait. Sit and wait! Why bother dressing up when all you do is hide in a coat and stare at solutions? Why bother developing social skills whe you stare at mixtures all day? Don't ask me why but sitting in a lab for 3hrs can do wonders to a deterioration of one's soul.

In the event you are wondering why I am suddenly so turned off by Science geeks, well, I attended my first actual labarotary session since Sec4 or smth. The long walk up hill was not a promising beginning but when they handed out the funky white lab coats, I was ready to think otherwise. Then horror of horrors, my group had a PRC Teaching Assistant who insisted on reading out all the lab procedures to us. Not explain or define or demonstrate but READ. Everyone else's TA guided them along as she read out the instructions but my weirdo TA thought we were illiterate Arts (I repeat Arts) undergraduates.

Then came the waiting. Add 10ml of solution one then spin it in the machine for 10mins. Then add, 20ml of Solution 2 and wait 5mins for the solution to ice. Well you get the picture. 12 steps and each with an average of 7mins of waiting time. Ridiculous. And you know what I obtained? Some white precipitate that was so micro, I could barely even see it. Evidently it was rather big by Biology standards...or at least CC said so.

Ridiculous. I don't know how the people in CSI do it but it is one heck of a BORING job. Everything gets to you after a while. 8 of us actually soon shut up and stared at the walls as the waiting irritated the hell out of us. We were pissed off enough to actually take it out on each other. *bleahz* As if to exacerbate the situation, lesson was to end at 12pm but ended only at 1pm, of which by then my only comfort was my bed and I literally ran to the bus stop and made my way back.

I realised today I could never be a scientist. I have no patience, way too much energy and spunk to be contained in a white-washed lab. Lav ain't no lab rat. Uh huh, I definitely respect all you Life Science students out there. You cannot imagine how impressed I am at you guys. *applause*

***