If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why oh why can't I?

MUSINGS IN THE SKY

Stressfree Saturdays are a JOY!

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Staying home on a Saturday without any interruptions for tuition or church can really be so relaxing, even when there is work due. Really. Today ended up being just like that for some reason as tuition and youth service got cancelled.

Now, I can officially understand why anyone who isn't working or otherwise engaged in church activities on weekends, always looks so refreshed on Mondays. I mean I look refreshed too and I love my responsibilities but gosh having this unadulterated time to pace yourself and do work is really so refreshing and good for my heart man. haha

Anyway, I have yet another heavy Monday coming up next week with a midterm and a paper due. Well at least, it will be the last of the 'heavy' Mondays albeit my last midterm that will be held in a fortnight on a Monday.

Then, I will have an onslaught of 'heavy' Fridays as my thesis, 3 term papers and a presentation are due on every Friday for this month until April 5th.

Sigh. Looks like I am always destined to start a week overwhelmed or end a week overwhelmed. Either way, having a relatively relaxing mid week is a great blessing. Especially given how weekends are completely taken up by tuition and church.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:22 p.m.

Marching On

Friday, March 2, 2007

Gosh it's March already. Where did all this time fly by and what was I doing with it?

Sigh.

Life is going too fast for me man. Or maybe I am going too fast for life. haha

I can't believe that by the end of this month, I will be done with almost all my deadlines for school, and it will just be exams and graduation. Gosh.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:25 p.m.

Clubbing Pictures

Thursday, March 1, 2007

I figured a tribute to my regular GGLL crew was necessary for our regular night outs and random conversations. haha

Grace,Gen and I

Grace, Gen, Leo and I

The Girls (and yes a very buzzed Gen)

The Girls

With one of the managers at Zouk who now always gives us free drinks

Grace lighting the drink

That I drank

Wine and Martinis

JC Friends

With random friends

GGLL

Charles and Leo being bullied

Ok finally a better shot of the boys.

Gen and Grace

Grace and Leo

Leo and Gen

Leo looking content with Grace's handbag

Leo realising the gravity of holding Grace's bag

Don't ask me or how this shot was taken but it's my favourite of Grace and I.

And this probably is a close second. This one makes us look innocent as compared to the sultry one earlier.

At MOS. The rest were all taken at different times in Zouk.

Our fav drinks.

Kissy Kissy

Black and white

Boogying on the retro room floor

The Girls..back at Zouk

Only Leo and I turned out to be CNY dressed that night. Only UCSB peeps know what festive dressing is about!

Gen and Leo-interesting dance buddies. Right Grace?

The feuding two actually managed to smile for this one.

Gen and I..I really think I love my new fringe so much more!

Grace and I have beautiful pearly whites.

Camwhoring on the dancefloor

Leo going all kawaii

Ok so it's just Grace who is the camwhore. With everyone else's camera somemore. Tsk tsk.

Leo and his buddies

And I get caught mamboing. Gosh.

Unfortunately, now GGLL has become GLL. But hey, that won't stop us! haha :) Good luck for your thesis guys! :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:49 a.m.

The Perfect Moment Song

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I couldn't really sleep so I was just goofing around online and I stumbled upon the one rather memorable song in Dreamgirls. It is actually a pretty good show. Not a brilliant plot or show stopping but feel good and a really clean movie, if you know what I mean. Or maybe Euns was just perfect company to watch the show with.

Anyway, this song really impressed me. It's one of those songs that make me think about how perfect it would be to earmark a moment in your life. Like how Graduation by Vitamin C is perfect for JC proms, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol is perfect for brooding, Put the Record On by Corinne Bailey is perfect for sitting on the balcony and appreciating the breathtaking Pacific Ocean from my apartment in California, and the list goes on. So anyway, I found a song that I definitely want played at a wedding, or more precisely my wedding or even proposal. It comes a close second to Say a Little Prayer, which I previously picked as my perfect wedding song.

This is really the song that epitomizes the man I would want to meet and settle down with. Really. Weird eh? Well all I can hope and pray for now, is maybe someone to sing this to? hahha Or someone to improvise this and sing to me. Ok Euns, one exception here. This song is allowed.

And Christina, remember how we talked about 'the moment' in life? Yea, in my mind, 'the moment' would be enacted with this song in the background of my mind. hahha That is, if my life was a Hollywood musical. haha

Never met a man
Quite like you
Didn't know you can
Making my dreams come true

You�re strong and you�re smart
You�re taking my heart
And I�ll give you the rest of me too

You�re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

Mm I love ya

I�ve never felt
Quite like this
Good about myself
From my very first kiss
I�m here when you call
You�ve got it all
And confidence like I never knew

You�re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

You�ve got a charm
You simply dissolve me every time
As long as u try
I�m along for the ride
All the way
I said it before
There wont be a door
That�s closed to us
Putting all my trust in you
Cause you, you�ll always be true, Oh

I Never planned, no
This would be,
Oh you and you alone
Now for me
I know you�re the best
You�ve passed every test
Its almost too good to be true

You�re the perfect man for me
I love you I do

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:53 a.m.

A Small Break

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The horrible parts of this week are over. Finally.

A thesis draft and a major midterm later, I am so bushed that I can't even think straight. Unfortunately, this is not the end. I was looking at my organizer and I realised that since Week 3 of school, I have been busy writing some paper, doing some project or working on my thesis.

Gosh. and there is what..hmm..8 more weeks of this? Sigh. I shouldn't complain though. At least I am still in school. It could be worse. I could be working and poor. Now I am just studying and poor. haha

Well it's time for some much needed snoozing now. Hee. :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:14 p.m.

Birthpangs of an Honours Thesis

Monday, February 26, 2007

Finally. After the hours of sleeping, deflecting and whining, I produced enough words for a thesis draft to be handed in today. Sigh. And yes, I hit the 10,000 mark. I can only pray now that Prof. M doesn't make me rewrite alot and delete too much. That would be heartbreak!

Gosh I am so bushed writing and thinking about the Holocaust, comedies, death and Hayden White.

I really, really need sleep and some really, really, really good fun. I don't think I can actually remember a time where I had so much fun, I couldn't stop bubbling over in the joy.

Sigh. I really need some excitement in my life that is outside academia. I do have a social life but it's waning man. Waning real bad.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 04:15 p.m.

The Letter

Sunday, February 25, 2007

It came. The dreaded truth. Looks like I can't feign ignorance and flippancy anymore.

It just lay there on my table when I came back this weekend, amongst a stack of my other mail. As I turned the envelope and saw the huge stamp labeled "On Government Service" printed at the top of the envelope, I knew exactly where that letter had come from.

So it's final. My carefree ignorance and bliss ends on 18th June 2007. That's the day I become an adult-partake on a preparatory road towards adulthood and embrace God's plan for me. Just one week before my birthday. Talk about coincidence.

One would think I would be engulfed with excitement, but really, all I have is alot of worry. Strange rite? I think sometimes, I am more worried about my career (which I ironically already have and should not be worrying about), than my thesis and other more pertinent academic concerns.

I was just telling Grace earlier this evening about how I envision what a standstill my life gona be sans 2008. About how I life in a slippery slope of a staffroom where I have to put up with prudes, wish for happening young folk, tolerate jabs at my singleness, and bask in the joy of teaching only. She promptly reassured me that Fridays nights would continue and that she would always be a phone call away. Thanks babe.

But really, that is merely the tip of the iceberg. So before I actually have to live my worry and reach a deeper stage of surrender with God, I am going to live it up chilling with friends, partying, travelling and spending like a duke. After all, you are only young once.

Maybe then, at least my birthday this year will be less depressing than last year's one.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:40 p.m.

Sharing With The Breathren

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Gosh saying it all today was not as hard as I thought it would be. It was sure not easy but it wasn't difficult. It didn't make me dwell or even that wee bit nostalgic. Yes, I realised how dumb I must have sounded to my CG to say those things out but I trust that there was a reason why God placed the tugging in my heart to share.

Well even if it was only 5 of us, it was a great CG. I also think it is the first time Marc perked up so much to listen instead of playing with Huei's pencilcase. haha

I really love you guys ya know. You make me realise how important a Christian community is. Not to mention how much you guys always try to encourage me when it should be me encouraging you. haha I guess that is definitely one we are a brethren because it is a two way road-not just a one way street.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:59 p.m.

Shaking It Up A Notch

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I think it is highly possible that I am little bored right now with my life and could do with a little excitement. Not too much Lord. Just a little bit. To remind me that I can still feel. To feel young and not old and boring.

Could I have some? Please? Pretty please?

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:16 a.m.

Focus

Friday, February 23, 2007

Ughh I am becoming an evil sleep monster. Help.

I have so much work to complete!!! :(

Discipline and the genius of some of my peers is so much in need right now.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 9:21 a.m.

The Indonesian Rendevous

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Back View of our Kelong

The Island Resort

The Boat

My favourite mode of transport for the past 3 days

Sharmaine and Claudia on the bike

Sharmaine and I..Apparently she got all the good genes and she is single and available too. Anyone interested?

Fooling around with Hansen (the son of the other Sporean family there)

Kampung kids

Tattling

Because that is what she is

Making a wish while trying to hit a fish

Etched in time

My Grannie

Paternal Love

My Hungry Sister Licking My Delicious Sister

Maybe I should send this to America's Next Top Model

Wish I may

The Sisters On the Jetty

This is really strange but we found a cross formation amongst the seaweed beds. Crazy rite?

My adik Tanjung Pinang

Eeyore and the lips

Are you sure this is my size?

The Boatman and the other Singaporean family we met

In the likes of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton

I love my sister.

If only my kids will turn out this adorable.

Carrying Claudia on the boat ride which she fell asleep on.

Stuck!

Coconut Chopping

Like Father, Like Son

Sharmaine Air Rifling

My dad is an EXCELLENT marksman. I have no idea why he joined the navy.

Wana hire an assasin?

The Folks

Yet Another Cruise

As carefree as the wind

No fans please. Sharmaine is too pretty.

The torture our hair faced.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:53 p.m.

Bali Rendevous

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I'm back from Bali. It was a good trip. Not so much the club Med kinda holiday I envisioned but an alternative kelong experience that my dad wanted to 'try' out. Although I must say, my dad was blessed with a litany of complaints on the first day of bad toilet conditions, creaky floorboards etc, we soon realised the joy of the experience.

Nonetheless, I slept loads, ate little, rested much. I still am a little tired but I think it is just my body succumbing to all the lack of sleep I have been giving in these past few weeks-especially since you know how much sleep I usually love to clock in.

I am also glad to announce that the ominous feelings have subsided. I took the boat out to the Indian Ocean twice and as I just sat there on the boat while my boatman steered, I did alot of thinking. Just looking at endless water, occasional rock formations and fishing boats, can really cure a soul.

So I think I can focus alot more now. I also have new answers to the questions I had earlier this month and to me the answers are very scary. I don't know if I am in for alot of disappointment this year but I can only pray that I can cope with everything.

More pix up soon. I suddenly developed a shutter bug tendency and started snapping random shots of random things. You will see soon. haha :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:08 a.m.

Blogging From the Airport

Saturday, February 17, 2007

It's the mid semester break and for the second time in a row, I will be away. I do hope this break will do me some good. Contrary to my usual carefree and lazy self, I am actually panicing quite a bit about my mounting work load and how I am going to cope with everything that is due in the second half of this semester. How did 6 weeks of school pass so fast?

Gina sent me an SMS last night telling me that she saw me around school looking rather pre-occupied so she got my number from others to SMS me and tell me that she missed my loud, crazy self and that she was there to listen and help if I needed anything. I was indeed touched. She is an awesome girl, and not someone I would confess to knowing very well from the honours cohort but her concern touches me. I am worried and pensive. I really don't know why but there is a deep unrest at the bottom of my heart.

It is not even that I am doing anything for my thesis or school or to even satiate that worry. It's one of those deep pit feelings you get before you realise that something bad is going to happen. I really don't know why. Maybe that is why I decided against bringing my laptop or my work to Bali. Only a book I have to read for Prof. Spector's class and it is a memoir, so it should be fine. Or at least, I hope.

I hope Bali restores my inner peace. Or unseats that deep worry at the bottom of my heart. Because it really, really beats me as to why I have that sinking worry. It can't be school because school is always hard.

Well have a good break everyone. Bank in those hours of sleep, and food. Happy Lunar New Year and I hope you make a good windfall of those angpaos. :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 7:09 p.m.

Meatball Frenzy

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I really am beginning to wonder if Swedish is just that much better.

The Vikings were after all, people of great character and strength.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:15 a.m.

The Cynical Pragmatist Rears Her Ugly Head

Friday, February 16, 2007

I realised I didn't have a Valentine's day post so here is just a wonderful quote that sums up my sentiments for the day. Although I had a wonderful time with my youth and stuff, some facts can't be changed. Especially the way I feel.

"To some, Valentine�s Day is nothing more than a marketing hype to sell overpriced flowers to some poor sod and for Hallmark to make even more money off these sods than they already have. It is a day designated by certain people to lavish affection on their significant others with material commodities, but to others it is also just another regular day. A day where probably, deadlines have to be met, readings need to be done and assignments are rushed."

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 01:21 a.m.

Moodies

Friday, February 16, 2007

I am in such a strange mood today. Or actually, I have been this whole week. I really don't know why. It's not that I am especially happy or sad or angry or disappointed.

But I don't know. I feel strange. It's not right. I ain't distracted or anything (or at least, no more distracted than usual), but I feel like I ain't really myself this week. I've been saying stuff I don't really feel, been shooting my mouth off, trumpeting some details of things to random strangers for no reason whatsoever and the list just goes on.

Maybe I just need sleep. Maybe Bali will do me some good.

Or maybe I just need to be with God for a while. A long while.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:31 a.m.

Beware: Trust Issues Ahead

Thursday, February 15, 2007

How do you what love or affection is?

Nat asked me this question today at lunch and I just smiled as I drank my soup. She couldn't have asked a more poignant question. It was exactly what was on my mind.

Why are people so quick to declare their love and undying affection for someone? How do you truly know when you have reached someone's heart and vice versa? How do you know it isn't just bred out of proximity? Can you trust the words that come out of their mouth? Can you trust their hugs and kisses? Can you trust that gut in your stomach that says it's perfect? What is it exactly?

Over the years, I have seen friends in abusive relationships call it love, seen friends in flings call it love and something more, if it was another time and place, seen friends with unrequited crushes claim they can never love again. What is this love thing anyway? It is a relative concept and hits each of us differently. But really my question now is, how do you know that he/she loves you back or for the sake of being politically correct, returns the same kind of emotions you exude: love, lust or otherwise.

How do you know? Can you trust those words? Just because he says his world has changed since he met you, do you believe him? Just because he says he wished he could be with you every minute of the day, do you believe him? Just because he says he misses you, do you believe him? How can you? Some men are just that much more easy with their words. This is of no judgement of their character but despite how shy, stoic or masculine a guy is, can you trust the words that come out of his mouth? So then must a man not say these things but his actions show it? Then comes the slippery slope of how jewelery and kisses really aren't much.

Sigh. I think I may have trust issues. I think I really am too scared to break. Maybe I extend this baggage of mine to others when they share the problems of their relationship with me, and for this I deeply apologise for casting my cynical eye at you. I am so sorry.

This is why I say I respect Rach for her ability to believe and trust, respect Mel for her strength, respect Darinee for her determination, respect Taryn for her conviction, respect Christina for her guts, respect Ying for her ability to bounce back effortlessly, respect Germs for her pragmatism, and lastly, I respect Val for her resilience.

You see, I am none of those things. And until I even have one of those traits, I am always going to be this same person I am. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. Just something that definitely can't last for long though.

Maybe in the end, it is I who is the small woman. Not the others I have willingly pointed fingers at. Apparently, I failed to realise the other 4 fingers pointing back at me, telling me the naked truth.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 05:28 p.m.

It's Just 2 Weeks

Thursday, February 15, 2007

There are so many things I want to ask. So many things I want to know. So many things I want to discover. So many things I want to tell. So many things I want to happen.

Just so many things. For some weird weird reason.

It was an 'interesting' night out with the girls, as once again, someone caved in to the power of alcohol. No H, it's not you. It's just the drunken prawns. The rest of us are always, always fine. So next time, it will just be us ok? Or maybe we should just chill at your place to make it easier. So the furthest we will lug someone is the bedroom. hahaa

But still, even after those creamy shots, wine and conversations, my mind remained as active as ever and I just kept wondering about all my questions. I don't even know why I want to do all those things. It doesn't make sense. Maybe I just need those questions answered before I make up my mind about the next step in my life. Thing is, I don't really want to make my up mind. I like the carefree, responsibility-free now that I live in. It's a perfect equilibrium.

But yet now I have questions. Questions. Questions lead to answers and to thoughts and thoughts lead to plans. Plans.

I don't know if I can deal with plans. You see, I haven't told you this but I haven't had a plan for many, many years. And I don't intend to start now. So I need to stop the questions.

Just stop.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:00 a.m.

Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I've been noticing lately how many people I know seem to have gone through various revelations in their life and as a result, suffered a permanent jolt from their old self to their new self. They equate this change in perspectives, personality and emotions to these momentous event that shaped their life-be it a breakup, grades, a death of someone or even just coming back from a new country.

It makes me wonder though why, during these tragedies, these people act so differently. I certainly do think that everyone needs their mountains and valleys to shape who they eventually come to be. These challenges also never end and will always come by as God refines us by fire. But why is it that we become so disjointed in that period that we are apparently 'lost'? I will admit that I was at that period of time in my life a few years ago but the one thing I do now is that I was fundamentally myself. Yes, I was alot more melancholic, a sadder soul and always tired but really I never took my friends for granted, lied, cheated, snapped at people etc. Everyone has their own way of dealing but I think people need to know that they can't impose their problematic selfs on others. Friends will be there for you all the way but if you constantly indulge in your self-pity, it's going to rather difficult to be your friend and not feel like your friendship is being manipulated.

I think people need to realise that life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans. John Lennon may have said that in jest but it really is true. You see, that is why we have crisis. Because things don't go according to plan and we panic and hyperventilate. It's not because you are a control freak or anything like that, but simply that you feel at a loss and don't know what to do. Then, you need to realise that life is still going on and that you need to shape up and face it. Either you make a choice to be lost forever or you learn to pick yourself up and face this life that is going on.

Sometimes, this life that occurs is so not what we want but can we trust that it is what God wants for us and that he will make the best out of it? Don't get all suicidal saying you have to end that life. That is not fair to you or to God. It only goes to show how narrow minded you are on what life is about. I have a life now that is far from what I would have picked for myself. Yes, its true. I smile, laugh and am merry (which indeed I am) but let me tell you, that if I had free reign, I know that my previously myopic self would have picked a far different life-one of more glamour, pizzazz and excitement. But yet, God knew what was best for me. All of you who know me, know that I sometimes lapse to regret, and I think on some level, no one will really be truly over it. The question is more of will you move on and embrace that life or will you stay still and sink in your old life as it fades away?

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. That doesn't mean you don't make plans. Just don't be so absorbed in them that you forget to live the life you have. And when things do go as planned, smile....and trust. Don't make alternative plans-just go with flow and the feelings of loss, fear and pain will melt away. Trust me. Yes, it takes time. But it will. Really. I would never lie about something like that.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:42 a.m.

The Man In My Life

Monday, February 12, 2007

I've decided that there is only one man in my life, at this moment, that I can trust and lean on any moment, any time. He has really shown me his care, concern, love and most importantly, he has thoroughly impressed me, without even trying. Moreover, I actually do trust him- in a way, I have never really trusted any male before-older, my age or younger.

So, who is this man you ask?

Well, it's not some hot young stud or intelligent young lad but my supervisor, Prof M. Crazy rite? But true.

Before I proceed, I must make it clear that all emotions I have towards him are non-romantic in nature and are of the utmost respect, admiration and the camarederie we share is awesome. Sometimes I don't know if I am impressed by his knowledge, abilities and words, or the fact that he has actually made me impressed with a professor-after so long. It's not that my professors don't impress me but I really am rather hard to impress and be convinced of one's superiority. But my dear supervisor certainly has and it is not just because of the accent! Moreover, considering it has been forever since a male species has made me genuinely smile, this is really a big deal.

We share hilarious moments on our weekly Friday 'date' as we swap hilarious stories, thoughts, along with loads of emails on our nights out, hangover stories (on his part!) and many many more. If anything, I know I have a whale of a time with my supervisor and I love him to bits. If only I could meet someone like him who was 25 and actually liked me. Sigh. I would die a happy woman.

So well for those who have not heard of our ridiculous antics, here is a little trailer to our conversations.

(A little e-mail exchange we had on certain books that ended with him asking me about my weekend plans.)

Have a blitzing weekend. MOS? St.James Power Station? Some new funky bar? A party at Eusoff? Where's the action, girl? Wherever it is, enjoy it!
God bless,
Prof. m.
n.b. I am in the process of recovering frrom last evening's liquid refreshment! It will take most of the morning to do so!!!

(I then replied to say that I had spent Friday night at home with the folks.)

What an admission. A couple of old fogeys having more of a blast than an attractive young woman on a Friday night! Ho! ho! (as Santa Claus would have said).
As for the menopausal menfolk carving a swathe amongst the young lasses downtown last Friday - forget it. Prof S's wife and mine were in tow and so were Prof R and his wife. I don't know about you, L, but I cringe when I see old men out on the town with one very obvious aim in sight. No thanks. Been there done that years ago when I wasn't pensionable and it wasn't embarrassing to go to clubs for a rave up! So in the general scheme of things your evening in with the folks wasn't so uncool after all! Don't ever forget that it is far better to be in with good people than out with a total jerk (particularly an old one!).

I told you he was amazing. He is the only reliable man in my life right now...besides my dad. haha Damn. Why could he not be some hot young stud I met at the Ministry of Sound? Sigh.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:20 p.m.

The Breather

Monday, February 12, 2007

I am celebrating my freedom from such a horrible two weeks of rushing so many papers and projects! So I ended up going on a Youtube overdrive ala Hongyan's style and look what I stumbled upon. I swear it is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Really. Especially for those of you who have seen at least one Bollywood movie would agree.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 07:48 p.m.

Self-Loathing

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dammit.

Dammit.

Dammit.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:08 p.m.

What's So Complicated?

Sunday, February 11, 2007

While I should be reading voraciously for my paper that is due in less than 24hours on J.F. Kennedy and the Vietnam War, my lazy and easily distracted mind decided to log on to Friendster to approve some friend requests. Not surprisingly, I ended up surfing around for a bit and viewing the profiles of many many friends.

So apart from viewing pictures of old friends, seeing haircuts of various friends, I also realise how many of the peeps in my church have their relationship status listed as "It's Complicated." Ok, I know that I cannot claim to know everything that is going on in their lives but I am pretty sure that for at least 70% of them, this 'complication' doesn't stem for an extenuating circumstance that doesn't allow them to be with the one they like. It's more a case of an unreciprocated crush or something. Does that qualify for one to make their relationship status 'complicated'?

Gosh, then maybe all of us will be at a complicated level of a relationship right? I mean,no offence to anyone from church who reads this blog, but well, I just wonder why one would choose to state it as complicated. In the same vein, I sometimes wonder why couples in long-term relationships tend to state their relationship status as married, although no marriage proposal or nuptial celebrations have ensued. It's just strange isn't it? It's like those people who rename their bf's number in their mobile phones to be 'dear', 'hubby', 'darling'. Sheesh. Save those sweet nothings for the bedroom. Do you really need to publicize it everywhere? Even my mum and dad still have their mobile nos stored in their phones under their names, and I definitely am sure that they are in a happy and loving relationship. Yea, they call each other 'darling' everyday but at least their mobile phone is saved that torture. Sheesh.

I don't think I have ever stated my relationship status to be complicated, even when at one point I was at a VERY complicated stage with someone since we were in a semi-relationship but not at the same time, due to extenuating circumstances. Maybe, that is why as far as I am concerned, I am always just single-no matter if or who I am dating. As long as there was no question asking me, for my agreement to be in a relationship, I am single. Dating doesn't qualify 'it's complicated' or 'in a relationship'. As far as I see it, they are 2 very varied trajectories that I refuse to be defined by unless it is the absolute truth.

Ok enough of this weird tirade. Back to John F. Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:18 p.m.

Grad Trip Plans

Sunday, February 11, 2007

London, Wiltshire, Manchester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Durham, Scotland, Belfast (Northern Ireland), Ireland, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam and maybe Rome.

How does that sound Euns?

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 02:58 p.m.

Pictorial Evidence...or smth like that....

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Christina, I hate to disappoint you, but turns out there are pictures from that very eventful night of yours. Unfortunately, they only managed to catch Taryn and I. Possibly because we were the only sober-like ones and HY came late? hahaa

Alas, this pix is far from appealing with the evidence of my severe mosquito bites. haha

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:42 a.m.

The Loser

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Gawd...I can't believe I just blew you off for school.

Sigh.

Why do things like this always, always happen only to me? Or maybe, I should say, why do I always end up doing stupid things like this?

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:50 p.m.

Fatigue Begets Failures

Saturday, February 10, 2007

If effort converts to grades, then I had better be getting an A++++ for this project. I have never ever, spent so long mulling over a project.

I think after having always picked groups of like-minded people, who write well and share similiar vocabs, I forgot how frustrating it was to compile the project of people with poor linguistic skills, obstinate to change things or/and are completely blur as can be.

Sigh. I am so tired. 4 days of tireless editing until Phan helped me out yesterday.

Now I can only pray that I will at least get a decent grade for this class. Cuz I know that this is not a good paper and considering the amount of work I have put in for it, is just gona make me feel so damn stupid. At least for the other papers I've done badly in, I could safely say that I didn't waste too much time on it. But now I have no excuse but face my fatigue and stupidity.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 04:07 p.m.

The Mounting Workload

Thursday, February 8, 2007

I think I becoming painfully aware of the amount of work I have due this week and the coming weeks. I really am swarmed. Maybe it's because I am doing more classes than the average honours student or maybe because I am over-committed to various church and social activities.

Late last week, I created a list of stuff I have due this semester and the list was rather traumatizing actually. Almost every module has about 3-4 things due. Although I only have 3 exams and none of them contribute more than 30%-40% to my final grade, I think, I am suddenly very aware of how much more consistent I have to be now.

Of course, this is not counting in my thesis, which is really not going well. At my last meet up with my supervisor, he claimed that I was pretty unfathomable that he momentarily wondered if I was speaking in tongues or something. Sigh. This is really not good. I only have 3 main chapters-which is alot less than most people who can have up to 5 chapters, and yet I still I can't even write one good chapter. Sigh.

I know I told myself that I can only have one social engagement per week but all these things keep cropping up. And even when I only have one social engagement per week, I end up having all these delays in work due to project meetings, church obligations etc. How? Should I become a social recluse that I pretty much was last semester? I don't think I can man. At least last semester, I had many, many long lunches and conversations with friends. This sem, I don't even see these friends so I need my nights out to destress. Sigh. It keeps me sane but yet it's bad for me!

I need to start focussing, prioritizing and working alot harder. I don't know I am so distracted, so tired and so stupid suddenly. I do like studying but for some reason, when I have to, I don't seem to. Maybe because of the extenuating emotional and social circumstances, I haven't been very focussed at the moment. Sigh. I don't even know how I am going to get through this semester in one piece. Can I even survive it and do well?

I really need to. But my trust is no longer in mine or my professors' prowess. It's in the Lord. Only He can carry me through my most difficult semester yet.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:03 a.m.

My Perfect Preview

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I know that this next post is going to seem odd, especially since it comes right after what I posted last. As ambigious as this blog may be, sometimes, I am just damn precise about what I am talking about. Anyway, my disclaimer ends here that this post and the previous one are completely unrelated.

But this week, especially this weekend, I think I had a brief preview into what a perfect relationship or at least what I would define as the kind of relationship I want to be in, would be like. And I actually saw that, yours truly can do it. The working together, the jokes, being laid back, hanging out, waking up smiling etc-I think I really realised what kind of relationship I want.

Initially it felt akward to be in that situation and be that girl that I haven't been in way too many years. Especially given how much I have changed over those years and what I am now, I really have been wondering how I would be now in the perimeters of a relationship. But this weekend, it just flowed so naturally. Doing all the things that I have always wanted to do but forgot that I actually once upon a time, wanted. My preview was quite literally, rather attractive and it got me pretty excited about this whole boyfriend concept. Strange right?

Well in any case, it was a WONDERFUL weekend. Exciting definitely. Crazy, of course. Fun without a doubt. And naturally, all around perfect.

P.S.: I would love to blog more about Friday night but since dear Ms Mook has already stolen my thunder, there is nothing more for me to say, that has not already been said. Oh, with the small exception of the fact that I was not German fishing. That's Christina's domain. haha :) I was just catching up with old friends. haha

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:56 a.m.

The Heart Yearns

Friday, February 2, 2007

I miss you too.

Too much.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:05 p.m.

What's Luck Got To Do With It?

Thursday, February 1, 2007

I think today, I realised that there is no such thing as luck. No such thing as hard work. No such thing as preparation. There is only God's grace and our undeserving souls.

You see, you can work really hard, be really smart and be the nicest person ever-but without God's grace, you just won't get anything or filled fulfilled at all. You always, alwats need His ordinance. Even if you sorely don't deserve it. Like I did today and do everyday.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 03:35 p.m.

My Breathtaking Mornings

Thursday, February 1, 2007

I used to love waking up in Santa Barbara to the bright shining sun, cool breeze and the smell of the Pacific Ocean. It would be blazing hot but yet the chill of the wind would just invigorate me as I made my way to class with my regular cup of chai latte from Java Jones or Starbucks. It wasn't humid, just happy and sunshiney-perfect to say the very least.

And strangely enough, this past week has been exactly that in NUS. The sun blazes but yet a cool wind sweeps through the school. It's truly amazing I tell you. I know it didn't make much sense to me when I first got to California, but eventually I couldn't think of a better weather duo. And for those of you in NUS, you will definitely know how hard it is to have cool weather in our urban jungle we call a university. Too bad we don't have Starbucks here though to help complete the pretty picture.

So I am so glad. Thank you Lord for this lovely weather-even if I am aware that the climate is changing at a crazy rate and the environment is in danger. Thank you Lord for these morning breezes that help make waking up just that little bit easier.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:28 a.m.

Certain of the Uncertain

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

"Showing no concern for the uncertainties that lie ahead is the secret of walking with Jesus."

I was so struck by this sentence in my quiet time this morning that I just had to blog about it. It just made sense. Maybe given the thoughts that have been running through my mind this month or maybe because I am always so worried about the future, but whatever it is, the phrase just caught me dead in my tracks during QT and I was humbled before His altar.

I think it has been a while that I had an intimate and awesome quiet time but finally today I hit that point of complete surrender and conjoinment that busy-ness and fatigue had prevented me for in the past month. Just a simple phrase made perfect sense to me suddenly. It was about a dependence on Him. This wasn't blind surrender but a knowing dependence on the Lord. By no means was this a parasitical relationship but it would be if I remained this ungrateful and ignorant child that I often am.

I don't why I worry so much. I know that He will take care of everything and He has never actually disappointed me, yet I always worry and want a better outcome. I know he isn't like guys around me who say sweet nothings but never mean them but yet I still waver. When did I become so insatiable? So often, I rely on my own human strength to get me thru but yet I forget who gave me that strength-God! And He ordaines everything in my life so why can't trust Him or give Him more credit? I don't know why. Thing is, I realised today that knowing is not enough, you need not to worry about whether you trust it or anything but that, you need to just stop worrying about all of it! When God gives you a clear determination of His will for you, you don't have to strive to find a particular way to be one with Him but to just let it be and heed the call.

I think so often wonder if God knows my heart and what I want because sometimes he seems to give me things that I really don't understand or like immensely. Like my career. I like teaching and I love kids but it's not me. And no matter what alot of people out there say, let me be very clear in telling you that I am not completely emotionally satisfied with teaching. Maybe my ego thinks I can do better but what gets me pumping is fighting for equal rights and actually creating affirmative action in any sector of society. That is what makes me truly happy. Teaching can mildly achieve that but there will be and already is so much more missing. I think that is why I used to and do sometimes still, question why He made me turn away from law so quickly. That would have opened so many more doors to do so much more for God, his people and my soul. Yet, he didn't want me to and made me reject my acceptance. Why, I don't think I ever really know.

But today, He humbled me by showing me that too many turn away from Him to do His work but never continue in oneness in Him. They don't turn to sin but they do God's work with their own strength. That is what my choice in law would have been. He assured me of His choice and I can really just only trust. All he asks is for me to walk with Him and how can I deny Him that? He has always loved me and called me back from the wilderness and yet all I do is keep running away. Strange aren't I?

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I will love teaching and it will give me everything I need. Maybe He will lead me someone greater. Maybe. For now, all those maybes are not even in my mind. He's crushed them all. I am just trusting and loving Him every day. Like a girl in love with complete love and admiration for her partner. That is all I am. He will help me tomorrow, next week, forever-for every test, every hurdle, every hurt and every smile.

And I don't just know it. I am walking with it.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 08:08 p.m.

New Skin

Saturday, January 27, 2007

So after some comments from some of you, I changed my layout. There is no tag board but everyone can leave comments so just leave a comment k?

That is if my posts don't bore you. haha :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 04:30 p.m.

Girls' Day Out Part Two

Saturday, January 27, 2007

As part of Hongyan's birthday celebration, we had the longest lunch and lounge session at Brewerkz on Thursday. Not surprisingly, we had the best time talking, laughing and catching up with each other. I'm so glad for these group of girls cuz really, they make me feel like I actually am normal, even if En En keeps telling me that I am so different and Singaporean girls aren't just like me.

But what was very interesting about that afternoon/night, was how suddenly the conversation came to be about me and my past relationships. Not surprisingly the lawyer came up and really, he hasn't been on my mind for more than a year. Then suddenly last night, as I was nursing a drunken Christina, it suddenly he occured to me again. Maybe her drunken state, reminded me of a time when I too was like that. Or maybe because stuff she was mumbling in her sleep reminded me of him a little. Then when Darinee brought up the subject, I was reminded again. Not a longing melancholic manner but in a fond yet dismissive manner. But I certainly realised something very important this week from those conversations. My inability to believe in myself and my ability to do alot or even captivate the opposite sex is because of him. Not because he said I couldn't but because he never said I could. I don't know why I still blame myself for alot of it but I just do.

Although he is no longer much of what I want, he still remains the framework of what I need. And by sheer fact that I was unable to get it, makes me think that I must be lacking in something. Don't get me wrong. I don't have a low self esteem or am love-lorn or anything like that and you will definitely realise that upon knowing me. But you will also realise upon talking to me that I will never believe that I can be smart, funny, pretty, impress or someone or warrant attention from anyone, even a teacher. To me, for all my talk, I will just never be THAT girl.

Yes, it took me a while to believe in love, relationships and all that kinda stuff (not because of him but just because I didn't in general) but I now do. But I suppose my biggest barrier will not be believing in myself cuz in some weird oxymoron, I actually do but, the problem would be me believing that anyone else can , other than my own gigantamous ego, or that I can actually compare to other people on an equal basis academically, socially and even spiritually. Maybe that is why I will believe every insult said to me and forget every compliment. Strange isn't it? Most people always listen to good things but I listen to the bad.

But then the question now comes, if I want to change and believe more in myself. And I think, the answer is no. I know I can't compare to alot of people so why bother? It may be just better to stay in this little cocoon of mine for a while- even if it is pretty lonely.

Interesting how much beer and good friends can sort those kind of things out.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 03:01 p.m.

Girls' Nights Out Part One

Saturday, January 27, 2007

So my Wednesday night out on the town with Christina, Poh Yen and Hongyan ended up being more hilarious that anything else. Apart from having the best shots ever and making such good friends, I also for the first time, had a friend pass out and have to lug her back to my room to sleep. Like I was telling Chris the next morning as she woke up with the worst hangover ever, she really proved me wrong just as I thought that I had done it all and was pretty much ready to move on to the next chapter in my life. hahaa She just reminded me why I am still young. haha Oh and coupled by the fact, she actually became the first person I slapped ever. haha Not in anger, don't worry but in a desperate bid to wake her up. ahaha Needless to say, all my shouting and slapping was to no avail. Tis' a pity that I had no pictures to support the crazed events of Wednesday night but I think to Chris, that's a blessing. haha

Wednesday night sure was a first with all these crazy moments and even my remarkable ability to pick a random guy in the club to help pick Christina up (quite literally!) and put her in the cab. Well thanks girls for an interesting night out. hahaa And yes, Christina if you read this, you owe us a proper girls night out soon!! hahaa

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:48 p.m.

Reminder to Self to Blog.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

So much has happened this week that I can't even begin to write about it. So many thoughts, so many outings, so many coincidences! Along with alot of virgin territory uncovered. haha

More updates to come.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:24 a.m.

Heaven is a wonderful place

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I have this little heaven on earth right here in Singapore. It's where I go when things just pile up and I need to chill out and sort things out. It's where I find momentary comfort in this material world. It gives me the calm that I long so often and never get. It reminds me of what I want to be and it lets me be just that, for just that little while. So what is this place you ask?

Well it's Forever 21 in Vivocity. I know, I know. Cheesy, absolutely frivolous and atrociously female. But really, it does so much to set my mind and heart at rest. Coupled with my ensuing coffee sessions at The Pacific Coffee Company, I really do end up having the loveliest afternoon ever- even if it is by myself.

I did just that today after waking up to the inertia of going to the library and being reminded of the sad state of my being. So I took the bus down to Vivocity and had a quaint lunch at Coffeebean before heading out for a little walk around and to shop for Hongyan's birthday pressie. And for the first time ever, I only bought one piece of clothing from Forever 21 and I actually ended up finding the perfect presents for Hongyan. So after a successful afternoon, I proceeded to my favourite spot in The Pacific Coffee Company and did my readings for my paper that's due next week and I finished all 4 readings! How amazing is that? They were really thick and I have been batttling it since last week and apparently all I needed was a little change in scenery!

So now, I can treat myself to a night on the town with Poh Yen and Christina and have some guilt-free fun! :)

I love Vivocity and Forever 21. It also makes me miss the United States alot but hey, it's my mini-heaven on earth, right here in Singapore.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:54 p.m.

Project Mate from Hell Alert!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I think I have finally after so long encountered the unique form of the project mate from hell. Just when I thought that I was going to graduate with a rather optimistic outlook on project work, I meet the worst possible form of a project mate from hell.

Nope, this is not the one who never turns up for meetings or does his/her work. No, it's also not the one who drops out of school in the middle of semester and doesn't tell anyone or reply emails. No, it's also not the one who doesn't turn up for the presentation and doesn't even bother to message. No, it's not the one who refuses to believe what he/she has written needs revision.

I now have the most superior form of the project mate from hell. It's the one who thinks he is right and that what everyone else is saying is not half as intelligent and perceptive as what he had planned. Ughhh. Gosh, why can't he not listen or respect other people's opinions?

He better watch it. Because if he doesn't play his cards right, I will be sure to set him in his place and give him the tongue lashing of the century if I have to. Sheesh.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 07:32 p.m.

Miss Mistletoe

Monday, January 22, 2007

So after years of trying (yea right!), people actually called me demure today! How bizarre is that?

Upon turning up for class in jeans and a white tee with pink words on it, coupled with a black belt and a white and pink hairband, some girls remarked at how demure I looked today. I mean really? Demure? Needless to say, I was so stunned, all I could do was stare at them in amazement?

What happened to all those days of turning up in school in dresses, heels, a ponytail etc? Of course, those things were not done all at the same time but they each represent a part of what being demure is right? Yet today when I turned up in pants with a white tee, I was demure? Sheesh? So all I needed was that little bit of pink? Gosh.

I'll never understand people. This just reminds of a conversation that transpired post exams in Rach's room as we tried to dig gossip out of Diego. That was when he revealed who the guys in cohort thought were hot and these guys apparently picked the most ordinary looking, not very articulate and rather saccarinely sweet girls to be the alledged 'hottest' girls in the cohort. This is mind you, while there are far better looking girls in the cohort with awesome assets and confidence.

Strange isn't it? And here I thought demure meant sweet dresses and hot meant tousled hair and confidence.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:51 p.m.

Searching For Home

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Talking to Grace last night made me realise something. Albeit all the alcohol and crazy moments, we really hit a very real moment when we started admiting as to what turns us on and off.

I think in the end, we end up liking and wanting, that that has left the best memory on us. As she mentioned more about Justin and how he was such a good guy, I realised that was precisely why I always think that everything good has to exists outside Singapore. All the good men, nice friends, gentleman, intelligent conversations and being appreciated for who I was and not what I can be, was all being abroad was about. And true to that, almost every holiday I have been on, has been that way. This is not to say I saw it only in Americans but Aussies, Brits and Europeans too- and they were of all ethnicities from Asian to Caucasian to Black.

So maybe because of that, I only think that I can only find what I want there because I last left it with so many pleasant memories. But when I look at the bad experiences I had with certain people here, I realise how close I am to specific things in people now. Crazy isn't it? But everyone is like that. That's why we have a relationship 'pattern'-when we choose to focus and remember the good part of smth and always go back to it, in a desperate attempt to relive it again.

Interestingly, my cousin and his friends have been calling me incessantly (and still are) all day, to join them for a friend's bday celeb at the Ministry Of Sound but I just didn't want to go and besides, I had to babysit Claudia. So finally, I joked with my cousin that if he could assure me that I would find a good looking guy tonight, I would go and he in turn, rather sardonically replied that given the ethnicity of most of his friends, it wasn't going to happen though he felt the club in general held promise. And I just laughed at how transparent suddenly, everything seemed to be to everyone, when to me, things are still blurry. I can still be happy in Singapore and with people of my race- I just need people to just be that little be more in control of everything.

Today, Jem remarked how even Matt loves the USA so much and he doesn't know what it is that is in the United States that attracts us so. And I laughed. I don't think it's the United States Jem. It's the belief that America gives you and Americans personify- something you never see in Singapore. Just again today, my mother asked me seriously consider doing my Masters immediately because "the government is really encouraging it and you will earn more money." That really, really pissed me off. I mean come on, you study because you want to- especially at such an advance level. Not because you want the money or the glory. There is no point in that right? And worst of all, when did my parents become so Singaporean in their thinking??

Now you see what I mean. I feel like I have to go. Just be somewhere else and feel appreciated. To have my self confidence back. To think I can do things and best of all, do them because I want to. This is all very self-centred and selfish but is Singapore any better? I would much rather be doing what I want in line with God's will for me, then to do what everyone else wants that I assume to be exactly what I want to and be insipid like every other Singaporean.

Maybe I just need to experience a different life or find new roots in Singapore. But I don't know why I always have this nagging feeling inside me. It just always gnaws. Sigh. Always. That's why Hongyan's current MSN nick seemed like such an apt way to end this post.

If home is where the heart is, then, this is not my home.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 8:46 p.m.

New Found Discoveries

Thursday, January 18, 2007

After a crazy night yesterday, I now have to consolidate funny moments from the night.

Most Hilarious Pick Up Line

"You know, if we were to ever get married, we would have the most beautiful kids ever. Like the hottest kids ever."

Funniest Moment Ever

"Hey girls, I playing a game with my friend and I was wondering if you could write your name, number and favourite sex position on the paper. I'll get you a drink later."

And indeed, he did come back with glasses of wine and we promptly gave him fake names and numbers.

Most Intelligent Comment Ever

"You know, I don't know how guys here like the rail thin skinny girls around here. That must be why this country is so repressed. Everyone here represses everything-even their sexuality! How can you be yourself when you have nothing on your or your partner's body?"

Most Spontaneous Moment

When a well dressed man comes over to our table rendering his services as we were desperately trying to flag down a waiter. He then proceeds to buy us wine, martinis and a special flaming drink for yours truly. All on his tab, by the way.

Most Disappointing Moment

L: I'm from London.
Me: Really? *insert super excited smile*
L: Well I lived in London for the past 4 years but I am originally from Los Angeles.
Me: Oh. *smile wanes*

Strangest Moment

When Grace disappeared, Lance acoosted me away somewhere else and Gen and Leo ran off somewhere else. I also ceased to receive an SMSes for the rest of the night for some reason.

First Time

It was my first time at Velvet Underground and the first time a guy was so enamoured that he sent me all the way home, before he headed back to his swanky room in the best hotel in Singapore.

Well, I guess you definitely know that it was an amazing night. We need to do this more often!! :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:18 p.m.

German-Singaporean Ties

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Life can be so funny sometimes. In a desperate attempt to make myself do work, I hauled my lazy ass to the library 4 hours later than initially planned to meet Eunice and zap readings before starting work on my thesis.

So despite only making it to the library at 2pm, I managed to find a coveted place in the library near a powerpoint. Interestingly, there was a Caucasian guy sitting next to me and using one of the plugs- so often during my numerous runs to find books, zap things etc, I would ask him to watch my laptop. Not surprisingly, we started talking and I found out that he was German.

And you know what was even funnier? He was here in Singapore working on his thesis on Economic Development in Singapore whilst I was sitting next to him, attempting to do my thesis on the Holocaust. Crazy rite? He writes about Singapore and I write about Germany (though unlike him, I am unable to be in Germany to write my thesis). So my new found library friend and I had a riot at the coincidence of the situation. Strange how we are always so intrigued by things that are outside our country.

Nonetheless my new library friend is hilarious. Looks like library days need not be so boring afterall.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 03:50 p.m.

Impromptu Shopping

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I've been bitten by Eunice's market-shopping bug!!

Today, on the way back from tuition with my girl at Yew Tee, I decided to venture into the various makeshift stores that were set up along the way to the MRT station. It was really a strange sight to see 5 stalls selling bags, clothes, lingerie etc. just opposite a confectionary, optical shop and even the wet market!

Anyway, I found the most fabulous deals! There was this V-neck kimono cut top that I had been eyeing in Far East for 6mths now but it costs an exorbitant $29.90 and I knew that it was far too much to pay for a top. Even in Bugis, the top was going was $24.90-which is not much less. I got a silk kimono blouse from Wetseal in the USA shipped to me for just $18. So there was no way I was going to pay more than $15 for something that was just a mixture of cotton and lycra. But guess how much I got it for today at this makeshift shop?

10 bucks!! Seriously!! And it was even in the colour I wanted! How cool is that???

So along with that blouse, I bought a pair of tights that looks so cool that you would never even guessed that they were tights! And best of all, they were only 5bucks!! Tights in general are about $10-$12 and the design I bought is usually $18-$25 because of its cut and design.

I am so happy with myself. And now that I am a tights convert, I am considering buying another pair with a lace design at the bottom for just $5. I mean come on, they are so comfortable and so cheap. And interestingly, my thighs don't look obscene in them. Crazy eh? Oh, but I maintain my ground that tights cannot be worn with dresses under any circumstance! Tunics yes, but no dresses! Babydoll dresses are meant to be short, not matched with a weird coloured pair of tights!

I am so happy. For $15, I now have a complete outfit.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 07:02 p.m.

You Would Be My Arena Anyday

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I have never actually swooned over anyone on TV or in Hollywood before, but this time I have to. And to make matters worst, he is on local television. By jove, I think I am becoming too Singaporean.

So who is this mystery man you ask? He is by far one of the most articulate, intelligent and well dressed men I have seen on television and Singapore even. And seriously, he speaks in a way that has my stomach all knotted up for a bit and my mouth plastered in this smile I cannot explain. Sigh. Why can't men like these be running around in masses in NUS or Singapore?

Sigh. Let's take a look why. Check this out.

Yes, he is the judge on The Arena. Yes, it's the reporter from Today- Ashraf Safdar. He is so quick witted, articulate and sharp, I am seriously shocked, amazed and just that little bit enamoured. I mean seriously, how can someone dress so well, be so smooth and be single and not gay? And more importantly, he is Singaporean!! I know this isn't a good picture but really guys, check out the show. Even if debate isn't your kinda thing, Ashraf will be.

Trust me.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 09:06 p.m.

Why?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Have you ever had one of those days when you wonder why some people just have it so much easier and better? Like how come, no matter how much you try and as good a person as you try to be, things just don't work out for you like they do for others. Of course, I realise all we see is the outside and how this person's life just falls into place instead of seeing the process of how this person came to have all that he/she has.

But yet sometimes, I wonder. It's never a jealous, angry or resentful wonder but just a simple wonder. No feelings, just curiosity. Like how the friend who is such an emotional and physical mess, is always attched and still is always the envy of girls and guys alike whilst keeping excellent grades. Or how the friend who doesn't care much about politics or any real concerns can be offered a much coveted job on a silver platter- a job that will involve care and prestige that she doesn't even feel for even. Or how the friend who always makes everything about herself always gets alot of that everything she asks for.

It's just strange isn't it? Then I see those who work and toil so hard and yet not get that much in return. Or those who are always full of love and care and yet never seem to have someone who will shower them with the same emotion that they render so freely to others.

Is this just a case of giving too much so you expect alot more and since you expect more, anything you get just falls short? Or maybe it is when you don't seek that you find? It's just too confusing for my small brain to understand. In no way will I believe that this is because of God's providence that some people are happier than others. We make that choice. And of course, not everyone gets everything but it just doesn't make sense sometimes. As a strong advocate of the axiom that "God helps those who help themselves", I just sometimes don't get why those who wallow in self-pity or depend on others so much get everything. I don't suppose it is something that I need to know an answer too. I don't necessarily want those things that other people have but ever so often the social scientist just wonders how disparate the world and everyone is.

But that does not mean the world or God or life is not fair. It simply means that we learn and move in different directions. And maybe it's time we put aside our jadedness and fatigue, and stop comparing but see what we can do with what we have.

I may be just an independent girl, a teacher-to-be, a Singaporean Indian stuck in liminality who day dreams alot but even with all these weakness and inadequancies, I can do alot for God and his kingdom. Everything else is a bonus. And some people just get the bonuses first. I am waiting for mine in heaven. :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 11:27 p.m.

Humour in the First Week

Friday, January 12, 2007

Snippets of unforgettable moments in a class that just ended the week on the perfect note, albeit the boring professor. This semester is going to be so different as now I no longer have exciting professors but I have the most interesting classmates. hahaa

As the professor was calling roll,

Dr. Kaneshiro: Vicknesh?

Vicknesh: Here. You can call me Diego.

Dr. Kaneshiro: Diego?

(whole class bursts out laughing at this sudden new name Vick coined for himself.)

Vicknesh: Nothing. Just joking.

Dr. Kaneshiro: No no, that's very interesting. So many members of diasporic communities always want to have Western names.

Vicknesh: Hmm, no really. I was joking. Vicknesh is fine.

He then proceeded to exacerbate this situation by signing his name on the sign up sheet that was being passed around for presentation slots as "Diego".

So, Dr. Kaneshiro then went on to ask everyone to candidly reveal why they were taking this class. So after a long spate of students justifying their reasons for taking this class on Japanese diaspora as "another angle to view Japanese history" along with declaring undying love for all things Japanese.

David: I actually really hate Japanese history. Diasporic stuff is fine though.

Dr. Kaneshiro: You hate Japanese history?

David: Sorta. Don't really like Japan very much. But it's just me.

(The whole class bursts out laughing)

Dr. Kaneshiro (in an extremely therapist-like voice): No no, let's talk about this. Do you want to tell me why you don't like Japan?

David: I am just not a big fan of the Tokugawa period and stuff.

Dr. Kaneshiro: I understand how you feel and I am so sorry to tell you that this week's lecture will be about it but I promise from next week onwards, it will be different. You see, it's good to talk about thing.

David: Hmm..yea. But I still don't like Japan.

My cohort is crazy sometimes. Just on Monday, Vicknesh pulled a similiar stunt when asked what he wanted to do after graduating by the new professor, he very stoically responded that he was going to be a "professional soccer player and model." I mean seriously. The guys just crack me up. And to think they will all be teachers.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 8:11 p.m.

Walking In The Rain

Friday, January 12, 2007

A good night out with friends cannot never be discounted. Even when they diss you about the way you are impressed with being accoosted away by a complete stranger, make you eat wholesome vegetarian meals, walk in the rain together with an umbrella although you still end up wet, and walk around Little India like it is not a strange sight to see 3 Chinese folks with an Indian girl who has a weird accent.

Yes, they are still very important friends. I am glad Dhoby is back, Andrew is still around and Eunice has always been there. And to think 3 out of the 4 of us are actually doing a class together. hahah Now, I am almost completely sure that this will be a good semester, regardless of the grades.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:20 a.m.

I Don't Need A Man :)

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Never underestimate the power of The Pussycat Dolls. Seriously. Just play this song on your Ipod/MP3 Player while walking down the street, and you will be surprised at the level of empowerment and energy you feel. Try it. I'm not one for trashy songs on female empowerment like Independent by Destiny's Child and stuff but this one is seriously good stuff man. Really.

I see you looking at me
Like I got something that's for you
And the way that you stare
Don't you dare
'Cause I'm not about to
Just give it all up to you
'Cause there are some things I won't do
And I'm not afraid to tell you
I don't ever want to leave you confused

The more you try
The less I bite
And I don't have to think it through
You know if I'm into you

I don't need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don't need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
So let me break it down
I can get off when you ain't around
Oh!

You know I got my own life
And I bought everything that's in it
So if you want to be with me
It ain't all about the bling you bringing
I want a love that's for real
And without that, no deal
And baby I don't need a hand
If it only wants to grab one thing

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:46 a.m.

Apply Here to be a Saint

Saturday, January 6, 2007

I've always wondered why whenever I tell anyone that I am a history major and plan to do my Masters in Social Policy, people always look at me funny. They then, ask me if I wish to be a professor or work for the United Nations. Now isn't that strange? Gone are the days, when people just immediately streamlined anyone from an academic major to be a teacher, but now people think I should work for the UN?

Well I can hardly complain. When Meow Ling told me yesterday that she thinks I will be a teacher for life, I was very angry at her comment. It was as if my friend suddenly had a lapse in consciousness and forgot what I am really like. But that is my job isn't it? To teach. That is my call too apparently. So why am I always in denial?

That was when the strangest thing struck me today in quiet time. Along with an affirmation of my acceptance of my new role in church, I also began to see the light on alot more things like post-graduate studies and my eventual career. And you know what is strange about the whole thing? It was as if God sent me an angel called Stephen Thanabalan, to point me the right way.

In a rather serious yet witty conversation the other day, I inadvertently poured alot of my heart out about my apprehensions on my new post in church to him. And all he said to me was "You're beautiful, articulate and intelligent. No one else can do it, better than you." Smarmy eh? But he really comforted me for some reason. Maybe because I knew he was saying it honestly and not to butter me up. After all, he stood to gain nothing from my decision.

Anyway, as we talked further, he asked me about my career and life goals and he kept pressing the UN issue, which I wittily responded as an organization who would never want someone like me, who cares very little for things like nuclear warfare and international diplomacy. (Ok I lied. I do care but still not enough to make it my career like Matt.) And I proceeded to tell him that I was more concerned about poverty and education for children-matters that the UN rarely concerns itself about adequately. That was when he threw me the UNICEF website and asked me to take a look.

And that was my angel. From there, things have been a whirlwind. I am actually planning again. Not disappointed. Not resigned. Actually considering and dreaming. I don't want this castle built on air and smashed oh-so-suddenly, so I ain't revealing much details. But whatever it is, I am seeing new light, new direction and new hope. A step forward in the Lord.

And with that, I can now, safely say that 2007 will be amazing. :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 10:04 p.m.

The Holiday(s)

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Gosh, after a long time, I finally found a romantic comedy I like. One that made me smile, laugh, and appreciate the antics and romance in front of me. Truly, I must say, that The Holiday, is really my favourite romantic comedy to date. It was sweet, sensible, true and by far, the most relatable move I have ever seen. And no, I didn't cry buckets in the way so many of my girlfriends and people in the cinema were, but I definitely smiled a little brighter when I walked out of Cineleisure.

It made me realise how cliche stereotypes indeed do work. How it is the 'interesting' girl that seals the deal-especially in the West, while the submissive quiet girl always seals the deal in the East. How quick-witted repartee can actually happen in a non-pompous, smarmy way. It made me realise that maybe all these wonderful pizzazz that Hollywood creates in their movies, can be real, if we let it be.

Sometimes, we hold the key to our fates. Of course, God holds the master key, but yes, at times, it is up to us to turn the lock but yet we just sit there and procrastinate. I think that is why I am still friends with Simon. I mean apart from the fact that he is brilliant and his emails always crack me up. But really, he teaches me the value of holding your key and unlocking it. He shows me that I am alot more than I see myself as, or think people in Singapore see me as. Sometimes, Stephen and Jem do too but there is something about when Simon says it, that makes me believe him. Maybe because he, unlike the two boys, didn't know me since I was a little girl and are bound to support me. Maybe because Simon knows that by default of the fact that he lives 14hours away or that I am different, he isn't going to get lucky with me anytime in this century, so anything he says in smarmy charm is lost. So maybe I believe him more.

And there is Euns. God's gift to me now. My present. That's why I love Euns so much. She always makes me see the light of day, indulge my stupid notions and yet always keeping me grounded. She teaches me to see myself as God would want to. And she stands by me no matter. That's why I always know that I should always count my blessings twice when I count Euns.

You see, all these people, things, events and even movies I see, contribute to the gears in my mind moving, thinking and shaping my future. It makes me see God's will and me for myself. It makes me see what I want and how I want it. In fact, it's just amazing how much I have grown in my varsity life, such that I am what I am today.

To have the things I don't deserve, to live the life that only He can give me, to be blessed bountifully-are all truths that I must not bind and silence. But why then, is the step towards Him always so hard, even when you know that he will take care of you?

I think that is what my holiday has been about. Thinking about the above questions. Questioning my self. Deepening my faith. Believing in love. Cleansing my soul. Oh and of course, gushing at British accents. Oh come on, what entry of mine would be perfect, without some bimbotic moment? :)

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 01:18 p.m.

Wouldn't it be Lovely?

Wednesday, January 2, 2007

Whilst watching My Fair Lady last night, I was reminded again of what is just so appealing about life, love, humour and wit. Sometimes, I get so caught up in school and the gears of life, that I forget to take a step back and appreciate the smell of the flowers.

Musicals like My Fair Lady , always remind me of my childhood, when my mother fed us stockpiles of shows like The Sound of Music, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Mary Poppins, Casablanca and the list goes on. So whilst, most kids spent their childhoods watching Transformers or Disney princess cartoons, I watched this old-Hollywood style dramas that mostly starred Julie Andrews, brilliant music and utmost wit of the English language. This is not to say that I never watched a Disney cartoon for I certainly did have my share of "Princess Ariel" moments, but to me it was always those big skirts, bonnets and fine accents that throughly enamoured my heart and soul- even until today. Maybe that is why it may also be the only thing to capture my heart again in adulthood.

I don't know what it is about dry humour, sardonic remarks, pretty dresses and songs, that to me, make a perfect movie and remind me of my childhood. It would be certainly something I feed my kids on if I ever have any in the future. But really, is there anything more special that these classics? Heck, I even realised that that is where and how I defined romance-thru wit, words and smiles. Wouldn't it be lovely then, if all this could actually be true?

All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'heat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone's 'head restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'he can be.
'ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 12:10 p.m.

A New Year. A New Start. A New Beginning.

Monday, January 1, 2007

Yet, in many ways, foresight tells me that 2007 will be juxtaposition of beginnings and ends. And interestingly, these two anti-thetical polars will occur around the mid of 2007. How apt eh? 2007 would mark the end of my undergraduate life and the beginning of my career. The end of my simple concerns and the beginning of my walk as an adult. The end of cynicism and jadedness and the beginning of enlightenment, belief and trust. The end of fatigue and the beginning of a deeper walk in faith.

These are the things I know and truly want 2007 to be about. For the second time in a row, I had a family centred countdown to the New Year, a fact that I cannot deny, but this time I actually enjoyed laughing and joking with my cousins- a concept that doesn't happen that often given the age divide. Indeed, my illness reappeared as I puked 5 times last night and had really bad diarrhoea. But that is no sign that this year is going to be bad. In fact, to me, all I see is that love is all around-in God, through friends, with my family and in life.

And for that I give thanks. For His grace and mercy. For his blessings that I rarely and almost never deserve. For his love and call for my life. And I must thank my parents and my sisters for being the family I would never want to replace. Despite the problems in my extended family, my nuclear family has always been perfect to me and I pray that it will always be so. For all my friends and their support, love and jokes that never fail to make me smile, laugh and count my blessings twice. For the teachers, professors and mentors who have touched my life in one way or another. Thank you. Blessed are those who give than receive and I will never forget you.

Perhaps then, it was only apt that I spent the last day of 2006 serving God, lunch with my youth, tea with Euns, Edmund and Jac and dinner and countdown my extended family. Nothing could have been better than that.

And perhaps then, more than ever, I am convinced that beginnings and ends aren't two polars that are mutually exclusive but a concentric circle that leads one to another. Cyclical, if you must. Moving round and round but not at the same spot as new ground is covered.

lav closed her eyes and prayed @ 02:48 p.m.