Work Work Work!
Monday, March 27, 2006
Monday, March 27, 2006
Gosh I didn't even realise that I didn't blog for a week. Have been so tied down with work and last minute surprises that I would give anything for a quiet simple day at home doing nothing but eat, sleep and watching television. Perhaps that is why I should move home next year so as to stop this constant throwing of 'surprises' and distractions my way.
Harvard College in Asia Project (HCAP) started today and the people from Harvard, I must say, are amazing. Witty, funny and open minded- a deadly combination as far as I see it. As much as I regretted being selected last week, the first few sessions today were enough to make me change my mind. I still have to give up some social activities in order to get my work done but hey it was worth the effort. I know its a prestige to represent Singapore in this conference with Harvard but the way I see it, I am learning so much more than I am giving.
Well back to the ISM. Sigh whatz with the intense workload man? My TV is actually off for once and those of you in hall know that my TV is on 24/7. haha
I just need to know
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
WHY???????
At times, I really don't understand why I have been shortchanged that chance at the oppurtunity. Have I done something completely unforgiveable in my life that has led me to be deprived of this oppurtunity? Did I miss the advert in the papers that called for all those who were interested to apply to call a certain number? Really Lord, what did I do wrong? It's not that I blame you but on a fundamental level, I feel like it is MY fault that it is like this for me.
And when I see all these people around me have it, I just wonder why. Don't get me wrong, I think these people are definitely nice and deserve good things to happen to them but just why, just why am I one of those select few that don't get that good thing- especially when it is something that will so obviously fit me and make me learn more. It may not make me happy but that was an ideal I gave up on a long time ago. It is so me so why can't I even have a little taste of it. Sigh. Going for exchange and coming back only made it that much more obvious.
I just don't understand. I don't expect life to be fair and I do know that life has dealt me my fair share of blessings that I am more than appreciative and less than deserving for, but really why can't I have this. Every near attempt has been mind-blowingly traumatic to say the least, and it is as if, it is Your will for this to NEVER happen to me and I respect that because I trust that You know best but I just want to know why. Because I don't know how long more I can just stand down here and watch without screaming or turning super bitter and I rather have a seeing faith than a blind one.
Friday, March 17, 2006
| How You Life Your Life |
 You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
Ouch
Friday, March 17, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
And I have been awake for an hour and my head still hurts. Talk about the first time that I have voluntarily awoken in time and ironically, it is my free day. I have a good mind to go to the library and study but my head just hurts way too much to study. Sigh
In a bid to take away the deafening silence of my room, I turned out Primetime Morning on CNA to keep me entertained and coincidentally, they were interviewing Shirley Geok-Lim. She really is a brilliant author and her new book is going to be launched tmr at the National Library. Man would I like to go. There is always this mystery that books and literature hold for me. Like that hidden escape that gives me hope. At times cathartic, other times simply full of hope. Maybe I should get that book!
Feverish
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Gosh I hate being sick. I woke up this afternoon from my nap with the onset of a woozy mind and a 39 degree fever that made my eyes burn, but yet I made it to three project meetings and a tutorial. Ugh talk about the wrong weekend to be sick given my midterm on Monday and that I have so much work due next week. Sigh. Can't seem to sleep either as my head hurts and my stomach churns. Ironically, I have been forcing myself to stay up and finish work that is due- something I have been putting off earlier this week as my body seemed plunged into constant fatigue and pain.
Andrew was so sweet as he kept offering every hour to drive me down to a doctor and drive me home since he had the car tonight. He kept saying I shouldn't be in hall in this state and should rest. He is really such a sweetie. He is really lucky I am not like other girls who are taken in by his glib tongue and gentlemanliness because I know many a girl who would swoon at his actions. Yet, I am glad to have a friend like him :) He really does seem to be my knight in shining armour more than once.
My Little Blessings
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
You know sometimes being that social butterfly makes me just go through every day and not feel like giving up.
Thank you Lord for those small blessings.
Talking to Andrew yesterday made me realise how sometimes I don't even know how I portray myself to other people. As we talked and he suddenly asked me how I was and how I never seemed to complain or whine about school or anything much in life albeit my intellectual debates on people and current issues, I realised how closed up as a person I really am to alot of people. I suppose the only object that gets my venting is this blog but well at least its a one time bitchfest that has no strings attached. It's just odd that given my talkative nature, people assume that I talk alot and am more than willing to talk about myself and my life but in actuality, I only talk about superficial issues or philosphical ones but never about myself as I hope that someone will see deeper and coax me out to reveal more about myself as opposed to being taken in by my glib words. It's there that I draw the line between friends and acquaintances. Well then I guess Andrew is right there- we are friends for life.
Flowers in the Window
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Sunday, March 12, 2006
If anything, this week has been one big rush to another big rush. I quite literally rushed from one place to another, finishing as many deadlines as possible in as little time as possible. Needless to say, I am exhausted but strangely satisfied at this twist in the pace of my life.
Sometimes, I really think I am a masochist who likes to stretch myself until I break but really, I find that I function best under such pressure. Of course, not all these appointments and deadlines were purely academic in nature as much of my schedule revolved around shopping, dinner and movie dates with friends, church peeps etc. I would like to believe that it is a perfect mix of business and pleasure.
I guess after the drifting of 2003, adversity and heartbreak of 2004 and the recovery of self in 2005, 2006 is about living again. Maybe there is a part of me that is afraid to go back to the past and relive the confusion, tears and pain so I now drown myself in allegedly 'safe' activities, but really I think that is all I can do now. I am tired of doing what people want me to do, tired of doing the right thing and never even being acknowledged for it and all that jazz-basically tired of being judged.
Maybe that was why Aunty Soon Lee's message on Saturday at youth service spoke to me so much. That really all we had to do was to remember that God was with us and cling to that belief and grow in him no matter what how positive or negative the external situation might be. Easy to say but hard to do but I suppose that is where the test is and all I can say is that in the end you will end up refined and closer to God- an ideal I am aspiring towards.
People have been asking me if I am depressed after they read my thoughts on this blog or see my MSN nicks but really I am not. Yes, I have been happier before but I sure as hell am far from being downcast or disappointed. In fact, I can safely say that I really do feel satiated on some level.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that I am alot more active in church now or that my entire stint in the US has recharged batteries. It's just that occasional feeling of alientation of looking at life like as if I was on a train and seeing scenes and images just pass me by. It's just that dislocation that scares me a little and makes my mind run amok but then I suppose, who truly does feel like they belong eh?
Unherded Mentality
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Saturday, March 11, 2006
I need to expand my social circle to articulate, witty, adventurous people who are not needy, dependent, conservative or in any way repressed.
Any takers?
Thought so. I don't belong here. And why is that fact just more apparent by the day?
I Can Breathe For the First Time
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
I really didn't want to blog about this cuz I felt this would mean that I still cared or smth but I kinda just wana let it out, you know. Like just say it for the sake of saying it. No analysis, worries. Nothing.
I saw Mr. V today. (Read: cause of all my JC drama)This is probably the third time that I have ever seen him since he matriculated into NUS cuz I was away last year and thus only saw him now. So he looks the same (read: still a real looker).
All I can say is that I am sure as hell glad that I woke up so early today for some lambasted reason and had time to choose a pretty outfit and doll up a little which is really a rare occasion for me. It was just enough to say I still look as good as ever or way better so too bad buster.
And I guess that was all I wanted to say to him or for that matter write in this blog anyway.
yea. thatz it. sorry guys if you were expecting some big huge scandalous secret. That to me was scandal in itself.
When in Doubt, don't ask
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
I like how my American friends who are on exchange in NUS always ask me questions on why Singaporeans are like this or why they do that or what Singaporeans mean by this or that. It's like as if I have all the answers and helped pen that little red book LKY handed out to every pregnant woman who had their kid in a government hospital in the 1980s.
Seriously guys, I have no blasted idea. Trust me, if I knew, I wouldn't even be hanging out with you guys that much. Singaporeans confuse me as much as they confuse you!!
Told ya I wasn't exaggerating when I said that Singapore can bring a person down. It seriously does man. It's just not fair that despite having succeeded thru the system, I fail to even be given the chance to escape albeit my exchange. I suppose they must think since I survived so well, I might as well live here. Sheesh. Talk about major bummer.
Don't Mind the Incoherent Thoughts
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
So after a horrible midterm which I didn't even complete on time, I was really half hearted about going all the way to meet Joanna to help her appeal to JCs. Seriously, I was so tired and discouraged, all I wanted to do was sleep- my regular escapist regime.
But I hauled my ass down to CJ as I had to honour my promise to a friend who was going thru a hard time and boy am I glad I did. It has been really long since Joanna and I just hung out together. I think the last time was before I left for the US and even that was like way back in July 2005. It felt good to just listen to her and share my life with her as she shared hers with me.
It made me realise why people in church always think I am older than I let on but I never get the same comment in hall or school. But you know what, it really doesn't bother me. At least my life makes a difference which is by far nothing I can say about alot of people.
As I walked in to CJ today, I realised how much I have grown. I vividly recall how when in JC, I thought I had maximized my maturing potential but well apparently I was wrong. As I retold ridiculous stories to Ben, Anne and Jo about my juvenile JC days, I smiled and realised how far I have come now. Perhaps the child in me still exists but its a pity that only a novel few see it. Ain't it funny how life works such that almost every kid after me who went to JC is in CJ? I'd like to think I made a big impression but thatz just my ego and my tired mind trying to console me.
Life is really so simple but we truly complicate it too much. Really.
Les Amis
Monday, March 6, 2006
Monday, March 6, 2006
You know how when you wake up one morning, and all you want to do is to be surrounded by friends. Well that was how I felt this morning. Maybe it was cuz I was hormonal or just tired at the thought of the long stressful week ahead but as luck would have it the week has started off with a blast!
I woke up bright and early to study with Eunice and although the studying only started much later, she was (and actually still is) with me right here in the library. Thanks so much babe. We indeed have a strange sort of friendship no one could understand.
Then I ran into Dhania whilst one my way out to meet ML for lunch. I swear in more ways than one, Dhania is one of my favourite friends. She always makes me feel so good and keeps me smiling for the craziest reasons. It's like she just knows when I need tt additional boost like when she said I lost weight today. That really put a smile to my face. I'm really sick of people telling me tt I gained weight whilst in the US and it is so refreshing for someone to actually tell you otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not on a crash diet or anything but I think I am pretty happy with my frame right now and don't want to expand anymore.
Well at least on hindsight, Dhania is probably the only good thing that came out of the ridiculous saga with the lawyer. Ok so I lie, many good things came out of it but at least she is the most tangible result.
Sometimes it is good to know that despite people around you judging your rate of success in terms of whether you're attached or not, there is so much other evidence to assure you that you are no less of a person. With my church kids calling me with stories on their first day back in JC and stuff, I can't help but smile. How could a life like this not be content? I have friends, family and so many blessings over and beyond I could never ask God for more but yet as humans, we always want. Wanting this and that and everything that we know we may never get or if it is even beneficial to us.
I've realised how coming back from the USA has stopped my wants for alot of things but has evolved to a stage of understanding as I try to make sense of what is in front of me and what life is.
Perhaps that was the wake up call I needed. Or maybe I just want to go back to that wake up call. Cuz I first found happiness there and what I am feeling now is merely an extension of it. Hark, does my heart fear of it being revoked from me. And yet I still want to go back there.
Because being happy and making people happy is all that matters to me now.
Outraged
Saturday, March 4, 2006
Saturday, March 4, 2006
There have only been a few times in my life that I have blatantly disagreed or been absolutely hopping mad at my mother. I know this is hard to believe but my mum and I have always had a pretty harmonious and dare I even say close relationship albeit the drama of primary school. All thru secondary school and JC, whilst my friends fought with their parents about freedom, more money etc, I kind of took a step back and didn't partake in these demands. Perhaps, it was because I had what I wanted or for what I didn't have I understood why I didn't have it and didn't see a point in pushing it. Or maybe it was just because I was smart enough to work my way around the system and avoid conflict with my parents.
But today I am pissed. Oh so extremely agitated, I am this close to smashing things against the walls of my room. Ok so maybe I am a lil PMSey too hence the hidden rage being exaggerated but really I am so damn angry. So why the anger you ask?
Well here goes. For my 21st birthday last year, I received many pressies (thanks everyone) and vouchers. Well, unforturnately because I flew off for the US less than a month after my birthday, I wasn't able to utilize many of them fully. Well, some were smart enough to get me vouchers that were only due in June 2006 or some even went to the extent of 2007! The only 2 vouchers that expired by 31st Dec 2005 were my TOPSHOP and HEEREN vouchers which I gladly let my mum and my sister used and even then my mum was nice enough to tell me about it first. But then today I found out, that she gave my sister the $100 Giordano voucher that my aunt and uncle gave me even when it was due in June 2006. God am I pissed of.
First of all, this was one of my 5 favourite presents. Sad to say, alot of things people gave me were very sadly not me or not anything I took much of a liking too but hey its the thought tt counts. And here was something I liked and had already planned what to buy with and she just took it away and let my sister use it on jeans and tshirts that only she can wear and no one else. Tell me you won't be pissed? This is not money or anything but a gift tt someone gave me from the heart and she just takes it away and claims tt she is not at fault cuz she "thought it was going to expire". I am so damn angry. It was my present. She always hates it when we touch her stuff or spoil it and here she is doing it to me. I am very easy going but if people know me, they know tt the one thing I cannot stand if people taking my stuff without permission and here it is.
I am not even angry at my sister that much for she probably leapt for joy tt she didn't have fork out any money but please man this is my present. I didn't even get the chance to use my presents. Thus far, they have used ALL my vouchers and left me so few, I am beginning to wonder who's birthday it was even. As grateful as I am for all my parents have forked out for my bday, my SEP and everything, I can't overlook this in my myopic mind.
It was my present and you took it from me and I cannot accept that. Ughh.
Yawnz
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Thursday, March 2, 2006
Gosh I am so tired. Can't believe I got through this week alive. A midterm and 2 papers later, all I want to do is SLEEP!!!
More midterms next week. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder if education is a masochistic effort. Seriously, it is like I enjoy the pain and misery of rushing deadlines and studying. It was even more hilarious when my professor today asked us if we felt 'beat up' by the education system in primary and secondary schools.
Really, I don't think anything else sums up that feeling as much. Beat up and drained of energy. That is how I am feeling now.
Definitely just need to sleep man.
Look Before You Leap
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Maybe Taryn is right. I do have a great gut. It hasn't often been wrong and once again it has proven true.
Sometimes, I don't understand why people expect me to get or for that matter stay in a relationship especially after they tell me all this horrible stories about their trauma. Seriously, enough is enough.
An old English proverb says that fools rush in where angels fear to tread and just for a moment there, I began to think why be so cautious? Isn't life about being spontaneous and embracing the vitality of it? Well guess God gave me a reminder of why living rationally is still a much much much WISER option.
His mercy never fails eh?
School Blues
Monday, February 27, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Gosh am I tired. I know mid sem break just ended but I have been running arnd from sch, to church to driving lesson to back to sch to friends that I am so utterly drained. Sigh. I sure hope I don't fall ill though.
This week is going to be tough for me given that I did not pace myself. Sigh. Well at least I started the second half of Sem 2 with a big bang by going to the coral reefs at Sentosa. It was such fun just admiring the marine life and micro organisms. Gives you a whole new perspective on algae and moss man. Interestingly, one of the ups of this trip was the people in my class who turned out to be surprisingly nice and fun and not as boring as I initially thought they were. Strange isn't it?
Well off to working on the paper due on Thursday. Man will I be guttered if I don't do well for this class.
The Resurrection of Lav
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
So I'm back to my old space again. I've been moving around from pitas to myspace to livejournal to blogsome but decided my first choice was best.
Perhaps it is because I am used to the template and know how to tweak it to my benefit or smth but whatever it is, I feel most comfortable here. Yea, so many secret spies know this blog addy but I guess I am over the point of caring. If you're going to manipulate people's words for your agenda, there is really not much I can say or do but tsk at the marvels of your character and upbringing. haha But let's hope it never gets to that.
A new year, a new start. Look at my archives for past thoughts both in Spore and the USA. For a moment in Jan, I thought about ceasing blogging altogether but I realised how much it has become a part of me. From a diehard anti-diary fanatic who succumbed to the pressures of a blog one fine summer holiday 3 years ago, this has really began to be a part of me. So look out guys for some crazy shit here. Don't expect too deep thought for with Lav its not always a common occurence. However perhaps if your are looking for lurking jadism and idealism twisted into a covulted verbose entry, then this is the blog for you.
