Disturbing Behaviour

Monday, November 29, 2004

10:00 p.m.

I can't say I'm pissed. Not angry at all. I guess you could say I'm perturbed. By how not doing anything at all, can be interpreted and spread around as guilty of doing something.

It's sad to know how enticing temptation and evil can be. Even when we are at the surface or even totally submerged in it, we never seem to know that we are victim of such evil. We just believe it must be right and go with the flow.

It is said that good always triumphs over evil, but how come whenever that happens, no one seems to rejoice?

Debrief

Monday, November 29, 2004

12:20 a.m.

It feels so good to just relax and not feel guilty about undone work or anything else. Well, I better not rejoice too soon. This semester was by far my WORST semester.

So much rushed work. Too much last minute studying and writing. Lack-lustre papers. Average grades. Too many hall activities. Over-dramatic people and events. Distractions galore. Overwhelming fatigue. Horrible exams.

So basically I'm pretty screwed. Well, I better enjoy this carefreeness while it lasts. Have been shopping non stop for the past 2 days. Ever since 5pm yesterday, I've bought shoes, undergarments, blouses and hair accessories. And I still need to shop. Need to let all this angst out!!

Advance Planning

Friday, November 26, 2004

08:19 p.m.

Top 5 Things I Want to Do In the Next Week:

1. Sleep for more than 18hrs at a go
2. Cut my hair and Dye it in 3 different shades
3. SHOP!
4. Club
5. Tidy my cupboards in hall and at home


Well, I do need to know what exactly I have before I spend too much. It just occured to me that inclusive of what I have in hall, I have a 6 door wardobe of clothes and most of it is folded!!

Ok now that is a worrying stat.

Till then, back to mugging!

Admonition

Friday, November 26, 2004

09:10 a.m.

Just focus.

What's so damn hard? You've been doing it for years and suddenly you've seem to have lost all mental strength.

Come on Lav. You have one month to think about everything else but just one day to absorb all the SEAsian history that you possibly can.

So just study dammit. It's the only thing that is going to carry you thru. All the other nonsense is simply transient.

Get over yourself Lav. MUG!

Bouncing Back and Forth

Thursday, November 25, 2004

02:18 a.m.

Upon watching the 9th episode of the 5th Season of Gilmore Girls, which by the way downloaded in a record 2hrs, I am beginning to wonder how some things always seem to come back around no matter how much we throw it away.

Yea, so its just a silly drama series and is probably not real but hey television is based on real life albeit much exaggeration. No matter how much Lorelai Gilmore tries to move on with her life, she will always have Christopher (Rory's father) coming back into her life. Even if its for the shortest time, he returns. Well, I'm not complaining cuz that guy is one hell of a looker and oh-so-suave but really do we all have "Christophers" popping back into our life ever so often?

Perhaps in light of the recent happenings, I am beginning to wonder that if certain things don't just die a natural death, does it mean that those things are meant to stay? Cuz its beginning to be rather difficult for me to differentiate between what's real or just me being over-observant. And I'm not just talking guys here but friends and opportunities as well.

Anyone care to enlighten me?

The Little Black Dress

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

09:46 p.m.

As bimbo as this sounds, I am in love with a dress!! I was having lunch with Shawn today whilst helping him to pick out a pressie for his sister when I spotted this amazing black dress at Arinthalia. Ok so actually, its a super long black skirt that I decided to try on as a tube dress and wow is it a perfect fit!

It's soft and elegant and clings in all the right places without emphasing my already wide hips. Its also just right in length and is just slightly below the knee. It's perfect! You know how hard it is to find a perfect dress? Most dresses emphasize my already short torso or hips a tad too much to my liking but this one was just perfect! In fact the slit at the side was pretty cool too but I may have to pin that a little or resist showing way too much of my legs.

Shawn was pretty impressed when I modeled the dress to him. Haha It was so hard to resist not buying it! And it only cost $47. That may be expensive for a skirt but not too much for a dress especially when you consider the fact that it can be worn as both. Ok fine so I'll prob never wear it as a long skirt. Stop laughing. But still!

I have found my perfect X'mas dress but truth be told, do I need such a fancy dress? I rarely even wear them much anyway. Ughhhh but its so pretty! like it was made for me!! :(

HELP!

Can't Get Enough of It

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

02:27 a.m.

It is full swing exams and I have blogged everyday. Even on days when I was so damn busy or had nothing constructive to say, I chose to blog. Even if it was lame ass entries that reported my feelings or the events of the day. I must be REALLY bored. I've been a pretty erratic blogger this sem but suddenly I seem to have so much to say. Strange.

Caught the reruns of Ally McBeal on cable today. Makes me remember the dreams I used to have about how I wanted my working life to be-power suits,clubbing,friends, steady relationship and a successful career. Wonder if that will remain a fantasy or ever materialize?

Maybe I should start studying and work towards making that dream a reality, instead of waiting for fate to intervene. Haha Why am I so unfocused?

Searching

Monday, November 22, 2004

04:47 a.m.

Sometimes I wonder, what is the most fundamental part of a person? Is it his/her existence or his/her soul or his/her actions? Are we just but pawns in the hands of a greater Being? Or are we truly credited the promise of free will and live life as we wish? Sometimes I just wonder.

How can some be so emotionally driven and others ever so rational and pragmatic? Then there those that fluctuate between the two extremes. Diversity just amazes me. When revising for my paper last Friday, I learnt that the genetic makeup of every human only differs by less than 1%. How then are so many different types of people in the world? God either has one heck of an imagination or we are truly that creative. And don’t tell me socialization cuz who the heck began socialization. I guess only God can answer that.

I used to believe that every one of us has a purpose in life. I still do actually. It’s just that I’m slowly loosing track of mine or something. Anyway, I used to believe that it was this calling that fundamentally made us human- cuz that vocation/purpose would define us and mould us. But I guess that’s just not true. Ever since I left JC, all I have been consumed by, are emotions and responsibility. I seemed to have lost that spark or pragmatism I used to so fiercely emit. I know people think that I’m too focused, independent and single minded but truth be told I’m no longer those things. I no longer know what I want. I’m constantly in need of companionship and friends. It is so strange. I know it is not who I want to be so I just try damn freaking hard to cling back to my old ways and as such, the manifestations of it are naturally not as genuine as they should be and I have come to be regarded as even more headstrong than ever before. In some strange way, it is my way of hoping the old ways will come back. And every time I feel like revealing how I really feel, I instinctively control and hole myself up in my room to prevent myself from spilling it all.

Well maybe its time for me to let it go and just be me. But fear consumes me. I don’t wana end up like those people I always criticize for being so dependent, needy and whiny. That’s just wrong. But lately, self control has rotted away and I’m hearing myself say things I have never ever revealed before like my sudden sharing session with Ying and Rach the other day. It just came out. I could not hold it back no more. So I said it and I think I pretty much shocked them with the revelation. What’s even stranger is that the vocal Lav doesn’t even dare say some things out anymore-things she used to say so readily. Suddenly I can vocalize that that I don’t want to but can’t talk of things I should be saying.

Lately, I’ve been dying to tell a friend that her self-worth is not tied to the feeling of being protected or being with a guy. That she is perfect as she is and girls can be just as good friends as guys. That guys esp certain types just cause more problems than joy. Its permanent pain for transient happiness and I ain’t lying babe- it’s a proven fact. That she needs to wait and stop trying to jump into relationships so soon. She needs to learn and discover herself before giving of herself to someone else. But I don’t know how to say it. Maybe cuz I know how she feels. Maybe cuz I don’t have the guts to tell her that. Maybe cuz I am guilty of implicitly doing that too.

I really don’t know why I’m typing all this. Must be the stress and fatalism that is ringing so high in my ears. Perhaps I’m hoping that the relevant people will read this when deep down I know they won’t cuz they unaware of this online portal. Like I said, this is a bitching station and the train just stopped for a really long time.

But you just never know. Life is strange in that way. It keeps throwing things to you when you least expect it. Oh well. I just hope it throws the right things my way and the lawyer may just as well be the right start.

The Great Procrastinator

Monday, November 22, 2004

01:27 a.m.

How wonderful. Another wasted day. Dad is down with a severe case of food poisoning. Must be that huge dinner we ordered in last night. Yea, my dad and I went on a frenzy and ordered takeout from KFC,Canadian Pizza and some Jap restaurant all at one go.

So we ended up missing church and since noone woke me up, I only got up at 3pm. And what else would Lav do on a Sunday when she had no paper or test the next day? Well you guessed it! I was glued to the goggle box all day. Ended up missing my aunt's engagement cuz my dad was just not up to it. Haha yea I'm actually happy! Spared me the hassle of dressing up and finding some traditional garb to wear. It's like all of a sudden, everyone is deciding to get getting married. I really like weddings but this sudden wave of nuptials is REALLY beginning to bug me.

So its 1.30am now. There is nothing good on tv. I've eaten too much and am not that sleepy. So what should I do? I could obviously study but that's just too troublesome. Oh well I have yet to watch The Incredibles and my sis just smuggled in the VCD from her holiday in Thailand. Hee!!

I'm terrible. I just know I'm gona regret this!

Hermit

Sunday, November 21, 2004

02:34 a.m.

Seven days until my next and last paper. I really cannot afford to screw it up so I shall study diligently every day! Wasted the whole Friday evening and Saturday was spent slacking around and watching WAYYY too much cable! I shall endeavour to begin revision tmr! Haha

It just doesn't seem fair. I've been so caught up in my own world in EH and NUS that I seemed to have ignored the greater world outside of me. It took a short trip to Causeway Point to buy stuff from Cold Storage that made me realise how close Christmas was!! People were rushing around with Metro bags and Christmas Carols filled the air. I felt so at home. I didn't want to leave at all! Well maybe that's why a short errand turned out to cost me $30 as I bought a top from Hang Ten! Ughh

Exams have to end! I need a BREAK!!!!!!!

So Damn Screwed

Friday, November 19, 2004

05:12 p.m.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? REGRETING IS FUTILE!!!! Nothing can be done anymore and yet I still didn't do anything about it.

First, I failed to allocate time properly for my Bio paper and did not give my 20% essay more focus. Then now for Malay Studies, I did it again and failed to present the flip side for one of my essays. I'm so gona die. What kind of idiot am I?

Just shoot me now please and put me out of my misery. And the worst part is I only have one more exam. So there is not hope of working harder for the other modules. I so damn f***ed up.

Lav, brace yourself for alot of Cs this sem. You're a failure. C or F, what is the difference? It's an indecent grade that I thoroughly deserve for being so lazy this sem! UGHHHH!!!

Ain't No Sunshine? You just made my night!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

11:56 p.m.

Idolising is just plain ridiculous. Swooning and gushing over a guy who just sings or acts in a studio half way across the world is barely a practical thing to do. As such for 20 years I can safely say that I have not been swayed by any popstar, vocalist or actor. It was just ludicrious and frankly quite embarassing to jump around and scream like a maniac over a guy who doesn' care two hoots about you. Not to mention how much he cashes in on the idiosyncracies of many a hormonal teenager. Come on, I can't even be a cheerleader for whoever I'm with let alone some idiot that acts on TV.

But today I nearly caved in. I saw the most intense performance on stage in my life. And for once, I was ready to go crazy for a singer. Maybe it was the song. Maybe I'm mellowing too fast but when Taufik sang today I swear time stood still for me. Being trained to appreciate vocals and music has tuned my ears to spot a good performer faster than others and today I finally saw one that I would readily sign a contract with if I owned a record company. It was smooth, deep and sexy. I am positively impressed. I always knew this one was different. It wasn't even a racial thing. It was just a gut feeling. I knew he was special.

Ironically, he is Singaporean. Maybe the proximity made me appreciate him more but he even made Lenny Kravitz look mediocre. That IS truly amazing.

Now tell me, do I have good taste in men or what?

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And she always gone too long anytime she goes away


Wonder this time where she's gone
Wonder if she's gone to stay
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away


I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, I know, I know, I know
I know, know, know, know, know
I know, I know
Hey I ought to
I ought to leave her alone
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone


Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
Only darkness everyday
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
And this house just ain't no home
Anytime she goes away

Wandering Mind

Thursday, November 18, 2004

10:06 a.m.

WHY AM I SO DISTRACTED????

I keep running over to my friend's rooms and we keep talking!!! My first exam starts tmr and I have yet to finish studying!!!

I've tried almost everything!

Going out to study has failed to be productive cuz I need my comp to define terms in my Bio lecture notes. Studying outside is to get away from my lappie but bringing it along just defeats the purpose and progress is slow.

Studying in my room just leads to me taking too many naps! And getting too distracted by my neighbours. Not that I mind but still!!

HELP!!!!!!!! What is leading to this complacency? I am NOT doing well so why still so lazy??

The Can of Worms

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

11:04 a.m.

Many have been amazed at things I have been saying this blog. Its almost as if I'm perpetually depressed or lost in a chasm so unfathomable. Well, that is not exactly true. It's so much easier to blog about the things that bother you and not the stuff that make you smile. Cuz I always share the good things with people but the bad just remains with me. The latter comprises of things I never want to articulate but saying it out just makes it real. So I just blog-as an outlet to vent my frustrations. But yest I said a few things out to a friend. Perhaps it was the situation that facilitated my sharing but nonetheless, I did. I opened the can of worms. Even if it was just a crack, it was open.

Talking about things made me realise the truth behind how I felt or what things were. Perhaps suppressing things and then finally looking at them can give you a whole new perspective about the issue.

But there lies the problem. It just comes bouncing back. I haven't talked about it for months. No one asked and I never gave any hint of things that were happening. Quite frankly, I had no idea what to say so I just shut up. However yesterday I talked about it. And things started happening again after that.

Once you open up about something, it just comes right back. Or maybe you just begin to interpret things from that perspective since it was the last thing on your mind. I really do not know.

I don't know anything. All I know is that I have to study and I wasted 2hours yesterday delving into smth so frivolrous. Ughh..

Exam Panic

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

10:27 p.m.

I'm panicking!! Ughh So worried!! I've really been too slack this sem!! Just yesterday I told Rachel that I was not too worried as yet as I had yet to have alot of my papers returned. So I still did not know where I stood for my modules.

Well I spoke too soon. Got one back today and I got the lowest grade I have ever received for an essay in NUS. Its a level 1000 module and I didn't score. Crap. Damn worried now. And it was 40% of my final grade!! I really have to try and buck up for the exams!!

Quit sleeping! Start studying!!!

77 Pages Ain't No Mean Feat

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

01:46 p.m.

12 hours and 27 732 words later, Lav has finished her last writing assignment. No, it was not overdue. No, its not too long. It constitutes 50% of my overall grade so consider it a take-home exam that had to be at least 50 pages long.

Time to study mugging. Two exams on Friday. Ughh. Bio and Malay Studies. A lethal mix.

Interestingly, I'm more than eager to start. It must have been the weekend. It recharged my batteries real good. Oh and of course AW and his nonsense during yesterday's study session helped too.

Ok time to tidy the room. Still printing my paper. Shall begin mugging after I hand in my paper. Say around 4.30pm? Um...must complete bio today. No more wasting time!! Blogging too much!

5 Day Weekend

Monday, November 15, 2004

06:40 p.m.

Slept enough. Eaten more than enough. Haven't studied enough.

With 2 exams on Friday and a paper due tomorrow, I can't believe I still have time to blog. Finally came back to hall today after being away for so long. Everyone has been exclaiming about how I 'disappeared' for so long. Hahha well its good to know people still miss you.

In an interesting turn of events, Mr. V (the JC one) asked me over to his house for dinner today. It was so strange. Like out of nowhere comes a phonecall asking me for dinner. And he made it sound so normal. Like nothing had happened before. Like we were good friends. Like so strange.

Even his alibi was weird. For the first time he didn't mumble. He actually articulated his words clearly and said smth about how my cousin and his sister's friends were coming over so I should come over too. I mean like what e hell? This never occured in the past. It's been almost two years since we walked away so what's this now?

Well, I'm not going to go. I know. This is crazy but I'm not going to. I've walked too far away from the past to go back. I don't know if I even want us to be friends. I'm not big enough a person to just be your friend.

You lost your chance. I don't open closed doors. Sorry.

Family Affair

Sunday, November 14, 2004

02:01 a.m.

Uncle X is cheating on his wife with some woman from Bintan. His wife is cheating on him with some guy from church. They have 3 kids and they are myopic enough not to say this.

Now both are denying the affair and the eldest daughter who knows cries herself to sleep every night. Only she, I and another aunt know. I've been hiding this from my cousin for a year but she found out from a friend. Now I can't risk my grandparents finding out. My grandparents could never handle such news. This is terrible and I don't know what to do. I know I need not do anything but I'm the eldest in the family and I can't just see her cry. Can't wait for my parents to get back. I really need to talk to them.

What happened to monogamy? I know that I have no right to condemn them, given my record, but seriously when you have kids, you need to think twice!!!

Noise

Sunday, November 14, 2004

12:49 a.m.

It's the last paper and Lav has no drive to write. Stuck in the grandma's house with sudden wireless connection. The four gals are fooling around and using my phone to get the bfs to call thru since I have free incoming calls all night.

Ughh and once again my mind wonders. Yes, instead of writing I'm thinking of a conversation I once had with Meng about someone and his sweetness.

Ok Lav enough. Get a grip. You need to study. Just write the damn paper and get it over and done with.

Not Always True

Thursday, November 11, 2004

01:16 p.m.

Blogging from my grannie's place. Grandpa insisted that I stay with them for the weekend while my whole family is away in Thailand on HOLIDAY without me. Hmpph!! FYI but the whole world is on holiday except for the uni kids and the poor "O" and "A" level students. So damn irritating. A five day weekend (if you self-declare Friday a public holiday as my dad did) and I have to sit in Singapore. Well, despite my parents being away, tradition has to stick and I came over in the afternoon to spend Deepavali with my Hindu grandparents and cousins. Basically its just an excuse for everyone to eat too much, drink too much and watch TV all day long. But who's complaining rite? Anyway, my grandpa insisted that I stay with them for the next 5 days cuz it is "not safe" for me to stay alone at home and he said one shouldn't spend holidays in hall. As old-fashioned as that sounds, I actually greatly appreciated the fact that someone still cared so much for me. So I went home and packed some clothes and sleepwear to tide me over the next few days of visiting relatives and friends.

However upon returning back to my grannie's place at 10pm, I found my punkass uncles around. Let me explain. My grandpa has numerous siblings and in turn they had many kids- some who are as old as my dad and some who are just 26. Well, my dad’s youngest bro is 31 and basically he and my younger batch of uncles ranging from 25-30 form the "cool crowd". In reality, that is simply a euphemism for useless bums. They don't have stable jobs, are high on hedonism, drugs, jail and booze. Not surprisingly, 5 out of the 7 of them are gorgeous and have had extremely colourful love lifes. So well, my grandparents have given up trying to reform my uncle and basically let him do as he pleases so many a time, that their house proves to be young punk uncles’ hangout. Tonight was no exception. They needed a place to chill out for Deepavali and my grandparents home is the most spacious and relaxed.

Its 3am and they are drinking, smoking and watching some Bollywood movie on DVD. I have been confined to my room (yes, there are 2 rooms set aside for grandchildren to use) under my grandma's strict instructions to watch TV and sleep and not go out. Truth be told, I'm dying to go out. Bottles of vodka and whisky that my grandpa displays so prominently in the hall have been opened for a night of merry making and I have to miss out on all the fun. All I have to do is walk out, strike conversation and start drinking rite? Afterall my grandparents are asleep. But its not so easy.

If my grandparents see me, their oldest grandaughter, drinking, they may have a heartattack and die. For the whole of today, I have been listening to stories about how adorable I was when I was young or how I used to take care of my younger cousins who stayed with my grandparents when we were young. (FYI: The stories came up cuz the aunt I'm closest to is pregnant and she is dying to have a girl after having 2 sons.) There is no way I can go out there and outdo their illusion- something I have worked rather hard to maintain my whole life.

That's the problem with V,N and I. The three of us are the oldest in the family and have set the motion of things to come in the future. All of us scored did pretty well at the PSLE, went to reputed single sex secondary schools, scored below 12 for Os, went to JC and made it to university. I got a scholarship, V is a commando in NS and N is in law. Yea, so our parents played their cards right and we ended up pretty blessed but now we have to live by this benchmark forever. No one knows about our clubbing escapades or about how crazy my life was and is. No one knows what a chain smoker V and N are or how much they drink. As far as everyone is concerned, we are great kids and it has been so always. Can you believe that N has been sneaking out to club for the past 4 years and his parents are still unaware? Yes they suspect but they think he is out watching a movie late with some girl and not that he could possibly be fooling around with that girl in some dingy nigger club. Such secret lives but well its not like we want it this way. I doubt it will always be like this. My parents know what I do, just not the intensity. Don't get me wrong. I don't smoke and my drinking is very limited. But well I have always promised my mum, one drink and that's all but lately its more like 3 jugs and 15 shots or smth. But still I try to never get drunk and up to date, I have been only high twice in 5years. If that is not a good stat, I don't know what is.

So back to the uncles. Everyone regards them as social outcasts who can't seem to get their priorites right in life. One of them is married and still acts like a swinging bachelor. Yet another, smokes and drinks with his wife despite having 2 kids. And yes, he was recently released form jail. It's terrible ain't it? Just because of them, anyone caught with alcohol and smokes must be a vagabond. But really V, N and I are no different from them. Perhaps we had the benefit of much focus and direction in our younger days so our priorities have always been more typical Singaporean than anything. These guys didn't have that. They have parents with less than an O level education and to them booze and drugs gives them happiness. There is nothing we can do to change their minds so just let them be rite? I'm not going to become one of them. So just let me go out and mingle.

*Sigh* Unfortunately, that is hard as asking Mr. Smiley out.

Exam Stress

Thursday, November 11, 2004

12:31 a.m.

Exactly 8 days to my first 2 exams and I have yet to touch my notes. Just handed in my Bio term paper this morn and I must say it was more haphazardly written than the SEA one that I wrote in 2hrs. So while everyone is beginning the mugfest, I'm still writing papers with my last one due on Tuesday. Yup, its another 10 000 word paper. Drat USP. Well, by hook or by crook, the paper MUST be done by Sunday so I can begin studying.

There is no way my crapping skills are going to pull me thru this sem's exams. The Bio module is so damn hard and I have yet to even look at the notes. Glancing at them during lecture doesn't count. Oh and the Malay Studies one is no better. There is nothing to read but still the freaking lecturer is so particular about what he wants. Infuriating I tell you.

I don't even know if I can keep a CAP of above 4 this sem.
Biomolecular Revolution- B
India- B+
Living Green- B+
SEA- A-
Malay Studies- A-

And even those are the maximum grades I can probably score which will give me a CAP of 4.1 for this sem but will pull down my overall CAP. Ughh and here I thought that this sem could pull me up cuz Sem 2 is always worst with IHG and DnD.

Ughh...I need to prioritize!!

The Dark Blue Uniform

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

08:52 p.m.

It's amazing how there is so much out there in the world. The short trip down to Clementi Police Post was colourful to say the least but most importantly, it made me think.

Well, on the downside, it took more than an hour for the police to take my statement and churn out the necessary paperwork but in the course of that one hour, I witnessed a Bangladeshi worker crying his eyes out as his employer hurled accusations at him and threatened to deport him whilst the police tried mediating the fight. Then comes a stout middle aged Chinese man who rattles off in panic that a colleague is threathening to kill him and is fearful for his life. I mean seriously, if everyday of my life could be as colourful as that, I would never be this dull, jaded person I am today.

Fine, I admit that I had to desperately control my laughter at both scenarios but still, it made me realise how big Singapore is and how sheltered and protected I am in my own little world. Well, the sergeant who took my statement was extremely helpful and I actually ended up cracking a few jokes with her. What was intriguing was how she seemed so awed with my life and the fact that I was only 2 years her junior and majoring in her favourite subject (History) whilst juggling so many other things. It was so strange. I've never marveled at my life. If anything, I think its the pits but then here comes this respectable policewoman who actually genuinely thinks my life is great and starts lamenting to me about how she doesn't like her job. Well, I suppose the grass is always greener on the other side.

Just sitting there for an hour and observing the bustle of activity as plain clothes policemen took people in for questioning and moved from meeting to meeting made me smile. Isn't it great to work in a place where you know you can make a difference in someone else's life? It reminds me of how I nearly applied for a SPF scholarship but decided against it at the last minute. Could I have one day been one them? Interestingly, many of the policemen don't seem to look as strict and law-abiding as I expected them to be. So many of them spotted dyed hair and one even had long blonde hair tied in a ponytail!

Its amazing how fate works. How the Ministry of Foreign Affairs had to reject my scholarship application since I did not have an "O" level cert in French and how I mysteriously ended up with one from MOE just as I had completed a very successful 4 month stint relief teaching. Which reminds me, there were so MANY Malay police officers in Clementi NPC! And surprisingly many of them reminded me of my former students, complete with 'mat' twang and 'relac lah' attitude. That was probably why I connected so well with the officers.

Oh and did I mention that there were so many cute police officers? Its so unfair! Damn, after teasing SD so much, it looks like I have a weakness for law enforcers too.

Petty Thefts

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

02:18 p.m.

How desperate can a person be for money that he/she steals a wallet with less than $20 in it???

RIDICULOUS!

Yes, some good for nothing loser came into my room yesterday when the girls and I were in the lounge watching "America's Next Top Model." This is so crazy. There are so many other valuable things in my room like my tv, laptop, and stuff and yet he/she took my wallet and hp!! Hmppph...

Thank you for creating a whole lot of hassle and paperwork for me to do now. Don't think this is going to pass. Karma ALWAYS gets back to you.

Fatal Attraction

Monday, November 8, 2004

07:52 p.m.

What's with the power of attraction? How can you see someone and feel so overwhelmed that all you want to do is to be with him?

I guess I never really understood. I always thought attraction only lasted for that brief honeymoon period during the relationship. Then, it slowly grows to become a form of companionship and security or possibly even love. At least that was how it was for me, until now.

As of late, a friend has been delving into depression everytime she saw or talked to the ex because the attraction was so strong. At times, she will walk out of lecture just to avoid him. Ironically, as she admitted, the only reason she still goes for lecture is cuz on some level, she still wants to see him. How can something so bad still be so magnetic? I suppose that is the power of attraction.

I have never been a dependent female, in fact I probably never will be but lately I'm beginning to question that. As I'm sitting here typing, I realise how weak I am. Everytime we are together, I just get so soft and smiley and I genuinely want to make him happy. It's so strange. I never felt this way since the ex but even then I don't remember it being like this when things were going smoothly. Its just so different now. I've probably mellowed but this is insane.

Maybe its just the pheromones. That has to be it.

The Writing Machine

Monday, November 8, 2004

01:38 p.m.

Word Count: 15 494

I have achieved the impossible. I have written a 53 page scientific report on Water Conservation, double spaced, size 12 Times New Roman font.(The paper had to be at least 10 000 words long or 40 pages double spaced) And the most remarkable thing is that I did it in 2 days. Well actually I only started on it on Sunday morning so that is one day. You cannot imagine how relieved I am that it is over. I was so stressed last night, I didn't even talk to anyone but just sat in my room and typed non-stop.

As of late, it seems that I have a penchant for doing things very last minute. My other science report on bio-medicine is due on Wed and I'm only going to start on it tonight. Well, at least I know what I'm going to write on. You see, I actually planned to write it over the weekend and work on my Water Conservation paper from today to Thursday. Silly me had not read the instruction sheet properly and did not realise that the submission date for our final individual and group report was pushed forward to Monday and not Thursday as I had previously recalled. Thank goodness for JW who reminded me on Friday night.

I ended up researching for it during the whole of Saturday and writing up my section for the group report at night, thus missing my nephew's first birthday celebration. Then I had to actually wake up early for once on a Sunday morning and miss church cuz I could not get the first draft of my final paper out. In fact, I only managed to finish the preliminary draft at 3pm, of which by then I had to rush for my group meeting where we were compiling the report and editing it, thus missing dinner at grannie's place. Of course, it didn't help that almost everyone else was done and discussing things like CITATIONS when I was still at the editing stage! It was really a miracle that I managed to complete editing and adding everything by 4am last night and caught 4hours of shut eye before doing the last round of formating, editing and citing.

I am so proud of myself. I can only hope now that I get at least a B+ for it. Yes, minimal effort was put in but hey! I really tried. No one else has 5 papers due in 2 weeks so the fact that I can even churn this out in time is excellent. Ok time for a nap and the on to typing my bio-medicine paper!

Inspirational

Sunday, November 7, 2004

10:34 a.m.

You know that,
I love you,
You know that,
I want to know you so much more,
More than I have before

These words are,
From my heart,
These words are,
Not made up,
I will live for you,
I am devoted to you,

Pre-Chorus:
King of Majesty
I have one desire
Just to be with you my Lord,
Just to be with you my Lord,

Chorus:
Jesus you are the Saviour of my soul
And forever and ever I'll give my praises to you,
Jesus you are the Saviour of my soul
And forever and ever I'll give my praises to you,

Bridge:
Jesus you are the Saviour of my soul(echo)
And forever and ever I'll give my praises to you(echo)

***