Nirvana

Friday, August 27, 2004

04:01 a.m.

I'm finally getting the spunk back. I'm trying to put all the disappointment and mellowdrama behind me and just plough thru the obstacles of the new year. This year is going to be different. I'm going to get a CAP of 4.5 and raise more than $20 000 for DnD! *cross fingers* Just need to start studying! First paper due in a week! *jiayong*

On the side note, 2 days have passed and I have managed to maintain my stand with him. I'm much less pissed with the rest and can actually strike normal conversation with them. Still ain't talking to him though. Feel like a spoilt brat. Oh well. Maybe I am. Haha

Still Harping On It

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

04:41 p.m.

It is his birthday and I need to tone down. I should not be angry at him. It is just a small matter rite? It is not like I can't do without him or anything. There will always be others and I can already think of 3 other people who can take his place in the comm but maybe there is a much bigger stake in this dealing then I am revealing. Ughh..ridiculous.

Fine..just cuz it is his birthday, I shall be nice and do away with all this anger. It is not like he is the capricious sort anyway. He was really conflicted and though he could have told me this alot earlier(since he is so obviously not afraid of me unlike TZ and JM), I shall forgive him. *sigh* and that is not even cuz I'm so big hearted or anything magnanimous like that but more of cuz I cannot possibly be angry with that face for long! Ughh Lav, you are too soft. Get a grip! NOW! No more fooling around with him. Let him get a dose of his own medicine!

Ok..for a week at least. Knowing me, I'll probably cave in sooner. Ughh I am disgusted at myself.

Fiasco

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

02:10 a.m.

I need to split the personal from the professional. Ughh come on Lav, you can do it. Don't judge him. It is not his fault. This is something he has to do- like in the same way you had to take the scholarship. I need to understand! Think about it as a sacrifice you are making for your nation. LKY will be proud of you. You can do it Lav!


Be professional...
Be professional...
Split the personal..
Be professional.


But why am I still so angry at him?

That's Life.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

12:54 a.m.

It is amazing how life works in the reverse. How things are working out well but not in the way I had planned. Remember how I complained about being the only single person in C3? Well suddenly, there are 4 of us unattached eligible bachelorettes. So strange.

Strange how life can go. Friends who you thought you knew, turn out to be the reverse. People you thought you would never like, end up making you laugh non stop and rendering you speechless with a mere smile. Just makes me question the need for words like "assume" and "impressions" when they never seem to hold true anyway. *tsk tsk*

Finally?

Monday, August 23, 2004

02:13 a.m.

Got my eyes on you,
Cos you bring that back to me,
Got my eyes on you,
You know where I'm gonna be,
Got my eyes on you,
And I see you checkin' me,
Got my eyes on you
And I like what I see.

Wedding? Perhaps it should be renamed.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

11:52 p.m.

What has happened to tradition? Weddings are literally the only mediums in which tradition is passed down and as of late, no one seems to go by the book! Call me old fashioned by seriously what is a wedding unless it has an ingredient from your parents time, grandparents time and even you great-grandparents times?

Today my dear cousin walked down the aisle to some Oldie Classic and no wedding march! The entire ceremony took place in a hotel ballroom where neither, she nor her husband or their entourage of flowergirls and bridesmaids had space to stand in the aisle. They actually SAT during the first part of the ceremony and the flower girl was so young, she was more interested in running off to her mum. What the heck???

Yea so there was the traditional communion, cake cutting and champagne pouring but everything else was so weird. Dinner was buffet style in a very crowded walkway that put off my apetite almost instantenously. How can a person have a wedding buffet dinner in the swanky Holiday Inn? So strange! And as if the whole night was not as radical as it already was, we had to wait an entire hour for her to change her gown before any of us were allowed to go near the buffet. Uncle David literally bribed the waitress to give him every single sugared nut they had in the kitchen as we waited with growling stomachs.

Super sweet wedding but it lacked the sincerity and personal touch that Cindy's wedding had. It was probably the poor planning and the late realisation that Hindu relatives and Christian friends are a lethal combination. Which is why if I am ever to get married, careful planning will be done to have an afternoon church wedding (with a wedding march) and buffet lunch for all my relatives and friends whilst the wedding dinner will only be for closer relatives and friends. Saving money is one thing but boring my guests is another. Just look at how many people bolted out the door once the dinner was over. Merits of a 10 course meal include people having to stay till the end if they want to be full. Looks like poor cousin SM will not be having as many wedding pictures as she would have liked.

What was rather weird today was seeing her marrying N. I suddenly got goosepimples as I realised that she was only 8 years my senior and married. It was worrying to realise how close I was to an end that I had never seen coming so soon. What was even more shocking was who I suddenly felt an urge to be standing next to, even if just a guest at the next wedding. Not a good thought trust me. Ask me if you want to know who.

For now at least, I resolve to have a much more traditional Christian wedding with a wedding march and no Kermit croaking. Oh and no well written wedding invitation asking for no gifts but only monetary blessings. I would be much more tactful.

Flip Side

Friday, August 20, 2004

04:18 a.m.

With all these depressing posts lately, I have failed to see the bright side of life. About how RS and I seem to be hitting off very well...a bit too well in fact...about how my neighbours are so sweet and nice and actually stand up for me...about how despite the fact tt I often think the world is against me, it is only a handful of misinformed people...about how God is putting a rose in every thorn bush that comes my way.

I am extremely grateful father even if I often fail to acknowledge so. Thank you.

Explanation

Thursday, August 19, 2004

07:30 p.m.

To: the owner of D317 and her trusted friends,

As shocked as I am at the accusations you threw at me, I cannot understand where they came from. Despite not telling me the real reasons behind your anger and leaving me to self-reflect, I tried to remain calm. You said I knew deep inside myself what I did. So I have spent the last 36hrs thinking and thinking about everything I have ever said with regards to you and your life to anyone or even to myself. I have even asked those close to me and hear my rantings and even they don't recall me saying the things you are accusing me of. If your friends really did hear those words coming out of my mouth, I beg them to come tell me off straight to my face and jolt my memory.

It hurts me so much to think that after one year of taking down my barrier and letting myself be close to you, you can actually tell me those things to my face and actually believe that I did it. I am just as disappointed as you. Double faced? I wasn't lieing when I said no one has ever called me that. Friends of mine tt have known me for 12yrs may call me alot of things but never that. In fact they often said I'm too upfront with my feelings. Anyone I dislike instantly knows it. I have never said anything in your name. It was always perfectly clear that it was my opinion and I never lied about how I felt to you or anyone. Did we even talk at all during the orientation period? No! So how could I have said 2 conflicting things to you or others or even said anything in your name? Be angry at me for not liking M's actions, that is warranted but pls don't accuse me of the rest when they are completely false.

I know you have known your trusted friends for much longer and probably will believe them more but vindicating me wontonly is barely fair. You refused to hear me out and put me on the same plain as Randy. In the past year, many things happened and I could have been two faced right? But was I? No! I'm not even saying this out of retaliation. Yes, I have lashed out agst M' actions and at no point ever since my distaste developed, have I ever been friendly to him henceforth. Yea before that we were chummy, consequently I stopped much association too. Civil and polite maybe but never friendly. But I never said things in your name. Never assumed how you felt. Never claimed to know you or judge your relationship or anything like that. If I had wanted, I could have said so many other things about you and M but did I? No! None of you probably believe me but I have no choice. My conscience is clear. I will continue to stand for my innocence.

You are not going to believe me when this is the truth. You believe your version is the truth and now that is the fate of my life. Nothing I say is going to change your mind and I'm more disappointed than anything. After one year, it only took one month of rumours to break your trust for me. I am as disappointed as you. I'm not turning the tables on you. You just turned against me upon listening to some salacious gossip which at least 20 people I know can vouch against. When you 'cursed' me, I didn't know what to say. I'm not sorry for investing time and effort into a lost friendship but I'm definitely disappointed that it was you who chose to believe the rumours and then accuse me without giving me solid examples. As a friend that hurts. And to think you think I'm so underhanded. I'm shocked, surpised and disappointed. I can no longer trust anyone anymore. Thank you very much.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

02:47 a.m.

I don't think I can take it anymore. I can't handle death. I don't even know why I'm typing this but this is supposed to be my way of relieving stress right?

I'm so scared. So afraid. And no one understands....as usual.

Why?

Thursday, August 19, 2004

12:24 a.m.

I don't know what I have done to irritate her but she sure is showing me the cold shoulder. This does not even make sense and I think I deserve an explanation. Even if it is a scolding. It is not like whatever is bugging you about me if going to pass since you live like right opposite me. So just tell me. Please?

This is so frustrating. With so many things going on and everything crashing down on me, I thought my friends would be around for me but turns out everyone decided to walk away from me at this time too. It is probably just me. I need to stop talking. Next time shut up Lav and lock yourself in your room. Much better that way than being your usual pesky self.

........................

The Unexpected Hospital Visit

Sunday, August 15, 2004

10:35 p.m.

Have you ever had one of those days when emotions keep fluctuating and in the end you don't know what to feel? You just end up embracing the most light hearted one since life is just one big giant act anyway.

So I was pretty pissed when I left church today as everyone kept making ridiculous comments and wonton accusations at me. Short of giving them a well-deserved dressing down, I just smiled and rolled my eyes on the side. Thank goodness good old Daddy was there to take my mind of things and help me cool down with a gastronimically pleasing meal at Newton! haha

It was like old times (i.e.before I moved to hall) when we would go out as a family to eat and shop and whatever. That was before I became so tired and weekends were spent lazing in grannie's hse. But I digress.

Our happiness was shortlived for we went to TTSH to visit my granpa who just had his foot amputated due to gangarine- a side effect diabetics suffer from. Worst still, this is not the last of the surgeries as the doctors want to amputate more to ensure the infection is terminated. Needless to say, my grandpa was far from supportive of the idea and felt that we were simply prolonging a life that would probably end soon anyway. Not a happy thought at all.

Seeing my grandpa lying on the bed so limp and frail, just drew me to tears. Just a few months ago, he was so upbeat: laughing, joking and dancing even. My maternal grandpa was always damn fit but now he seems to be the first to succumb to an ailment. My heart hurts more than it shows.

But like as if God felt my pain, he gave me some solace by landing our dear Timothy Tan Jit Wei in the opposite bed to my granpa. You cannot imagine my shock when I walked out of my grandpa's curtain to take a break and swallow back tears and heard an ever-so-familiar voice calling me. Poor Jit broke 5 of his ribs at a rugby game yesterday. He was like the last one I saw before I left hall on Friday and now I see him on Sunday in the hospital. Poor poor dear. But he definitely made me smile with his ridiculous comments. His wit was definitely uninjured and still persists to tease me. haha Anyway, nice Lav took pity on the poor dear and was so kind as to grant him a DnD interview at the hospital so he would not loose out on anything since he will be not back in action till next Monday. See, despite all the teasing abt RS and false intro, I still love you Jit and am so nice to you. You owe me big time!

Coincidentally, the father of my classmate from USP last sem was actually in the next room to my grandpa and I had like this massive reunion in Ward 12B alone. Mummy was like saying how I need to stop knowing so many people. Seems like as if I am such a friendly person when I'm barely even that sociable (read: IJ bitch evidently).

Oh well, a generally sullen and downcast day got instantly brighter even if it involved alot of injuries. See I told you I like hospitals! And yes Jit, stop breaking more bones! Back, shoulder, knee..that is more than anyone I have even known! Ughh rugby violence. One point down for RS. Don't think I could handle all this mellowdrama. :p

The Complaint

Saturday, August 14, 2004

07:11 p.m.

The sweltering heat is returning. I'm sitting at home printing like tons and tons of pages of Greek and wondering how I'm ever going to pass this module. And the heat is not helping at all.

Ok so it is just plain Molecular Biology but it could have just as well been Greek. My level of comprehension of either is equivalent. Granted that I may have done O level chemistry and biology, Sec 4 seems so far away now. Yea, it may have only been 4 years ago but all that intense Artz brainwashing in JC seems to have erased all scientific memory from my brain.

Now, it takes me a while to remember the covalent bonding structure and nucleus composites as my dear PRC lecturer dwaddles on in a sham of a language he calls English. Well actually the guy is a real sweetie as he painstakingly tries to explain every detail as acutely as possible and help those who have never seen a cell structure before. It is not really his fault that I (along with 3/4 of the class) have a comprehension impediment.

So I should be thankful right? *sigh* I'm just too afraid of getting a C for this module or worst yet FAILING! I don't know if I could handle an F man. Furthermore, there are 12 Life Sciences students (out of 30 students) doing this module as a GEM too. Such cheaters I swear! Yea so some of them are my friends but still! One even dared to say that if I was able to do S.S as a history major, they should be able to any life science module. I'm sorry to say this but CC, that is just screwed up logic. S.S. is a requirement and I cannot help it if USP only offers history based SS modules. Anyway half the module was so sociological in nature anyway. No history student received an unfair advantage. Every LS student is already darn good at this Biomolecular module. You guys did it at A levels!!! And there are like 20 other GEMS you could have chosen from!!

Let's just hope CC is a good friend and helps me along the way. And I managed to get at least a B for this module. Wishful thinking? I pray not! This sem was supposed to be different! No more slacking! :(

A Plea

Friday, August 13, 2004

03:57 a.m.

I'm really confused.

So confused I feel like crying.

This is not a "I don't know what decision to make" kind of confused but more of a frustration from someone at her wits end.

Alot of things have been happening recently but I have chosen to just bottle it up. To smile and pretend it is ok. To try and make up less significant stories to throw my friends off track so they will think it is actually something minor that is bugging me. Sometimes I hope someone will see that I'm lying and genuinely care. Sometimes I just hope too much.

When I don't let them see, they can't help either but maybe it is better this way. Telling another person your problems only burdens them when they already have so many other responsibilities to bear. I just wish I could hug someone and just cry. But I can't. Cuz no one expects me too.

EHOC has made me emotional. And I can't handle all these emotions right now. Especially since things are so strained between some friends right now.

I'm so afraid. Help. Please. Someone? Anyone?

The silence deafens.

Bashing It Up

Monday, August 9, 2004

02:26 p.m.

It is amazing that no matter how terribly the music sucked at Centro, there was a record number of drunks and extremely high people. Last year at the EHOC victory bash at Planet Paradigm, I could not understand how the seniors could get so high on the lousy music playing. But this year, things changed. I was an EHOCer.

It didn't matter that I hated techno music with a vengeance or that I was so freaking tired, all I wanted to do was sleep. Victory was so sweet and I had to bask in it for as long as I could. So I drank and drank and danced with almost everyone I knew. Did I care that people would misjudge me? Hell no. It was my night and I was going to seize it for as long as I could. Every ragger, flagger and programmer had that privilege and no one can take that away from us. Even f***ed up Temasek Hall.

Victory Never Tasted So Sweet

Sunday, August 8, 2004

07:28 p.m.

Not too long ago, a bunch of girls joined the Eusoff Hall Orientation Comm (EHOC) in a bid to gain exposure and points.

Not too long ago, Lav was selected to be in the Flag Comm while all her friends were to be in the Programme Team.

Not too long ago, Lav became close to her fellow Flaggers and was actually glad to be there.

Not too long ago, 7 girls decided to move in together to C3.

Not too long ago, 5 girls gave up their every Sunday to wash cars for charity.

Not too long ago, 3 girls dedicated every waking minute to charity.

Not too long ago, 5 girls were too exhausted from EHOC.

Not too long ago, 5 girls questioned why they sold their souls to hall.

Not too long ago, 2 girls decided to double their workload and dance for Rag.

Not too long ago, 3 girls spent sleepless nights planning flag routes.

Not too long ago, 2 girls were so stressed over orientation.

Not too long ago, 7 girls spent an entire day in the hot sun flagging for their hall.

Not too long ago, 5 girls stood in the hot sun watching every hall put up their best Rag effort ever.

Not too long ago, 2 girls danced their hearts out for Eusoff.

Not too long ago, 5 girls held hands as the results were announced.

Not too long ago, 485 people cheered.

Not too long ago, 3 girls cried as Eusoff won the Flag Shield.

Not too long ago, 30 Raggers bit their lips as Temasek proved to be unworthy winners in a particular sub-category.

Not too long ago, 485 people made NUS history for winning the first Student Body to ever clinch the Overall Vice Chancellor's Shield for Rag & Flag 3 years consecutively.

Not too long ago, 59 EHOCers cried in joy.

Not too long ago, 1 guy cried as he made our dreams come true.

Not too long ago, Lav questioned when she began to love her hall so much.

Not too long ago, she realised she always did.



We did it Eusoff. That shield is ours to keep and it is going to be the first of many to adorn our shelves!

The Wait

Friday, August 6, 2004

07:23 p.m.

This is going to be the longest 16hrs or my life.

16hrs without sleep.

16hrs to the presentation of our 3 months of hard work.

16hrs to the verdict that could change NUS history.

16hrs before the tears finally fall.

And all I know now is that my heart is pumping and I have to push on. No matter what happens, God knows that we tried and that is important.


We come from a great great hall. We come from Eusoff.

Clarification

Thursday, August 5, 2004

02:05 a.m.

Oh my goodness guys RELAX!

I do not like him! Yes I may have appreciated some finer points about him but all ends there. Like seriously. I'm not even thinking that far ahead! Yea so the guy listens to me. But hey I'm in the freaking Flag team for such purposes: to convince people and make them do things they don't usually like to do!!!!!!!!!! I convinced FY and HZ to come too and I'm not romantically interested in them! NO FAIR!

You guys really need to take a chill and stop linking me to all the Indian guys around. I'm not that attractive and neither are they so QUIT IT!!! Stop spoiling market man!

Few of My Less Favourite Things

Wednesday, August 4, 2004

02:49 p.m.

Things I despise:

1. Indian Men

2. Drunk Indian Men

And as if by some strange coincidence, I seem to have many strange encounters of the most bazaar nature with the above two prototypes. Just yesterday when poor Lav was running on 1 hr of sleep and flagging in Woodlands, this drunken Indian had to come up to me and ask me to discard of his unused plastic bag for him. What the @#%#^#^^@?

Firstly the dustbin was right next to him. Secondly, if he had kindly even put 10cents in my can, I would have happily done him the favour but did he? NO!!!!!!!!!! Then the freaking drunk had to accuse me of showing no care and concern? I mean what the heck dude? Think just cuz you're drinking Baron's Strong Brew you can afford to throw your stinking beer breath and Indian ego around! Go fly a kite dude. I'm no typical Indian woman to do your dirty work for you. You are so lucky RS was there to stop me from giving you a piece of my mind and the most sarcastic dressing down I haf ever given an Indian after Mr. V.

Have a heart man. If you can afford to drink at 5pm in the afternoon, you can afford to donate $0.10. It is just a few cents man. I'm not asking you for $1000 so why do Sporeans have to be so selfish? They literally meander around me just to afford reaching for the wallets. It is like I became Moses and parted the red sea of commuters for 10hrs yesterday. Truly a miracle.

Oh and as RS said, just cuz you put in $0.20, you're not allowed to bitch to me about the govt. I already know how much it sucks cuz I'm bonded to them. You are also not paying for a pyschologist so stop bitching to me about your problems. Just shut the hell up and smile at me as I politely smile and wish you a good day. You're right man Joe Chung. Sporeans are the stingiest bunch around. Why can't everyone be like the Malay aunties?? *sigh*

$0.10 out of your wallet accumlates to all the work I have done for the past 3mths. Some of us actually want to see the less privileged progress in life. And to some of us winning is everything. And all you needed to do was give me $0.10 and walk away. Why is that so hard to do? You don't even need to smile. I'm supposed to do that. Oh and that poor Down Syndrome or cancer striken kid you are helping.

The Sprint

Monday, August 2, 2004

07:05 p.m.

And the race begins to the finish line. 36hrs more before my next rest time. Jiayong Eusoff!

We will bring it back again!

***