Paradise Found
Monday, January 31, 2005
11:51 a.m.It keeps replaying on my head. Over and over again. Like some malfunctioning DVD player.
Like all of a sudden, a memory flash will come and I start smiling to myself. It's so corny I know.
I can't believe it but I have to. It just seems so surreal.
How I wish the night never had to end...
But it did.
And I have to carry on.
Strength, Lav, strength. At least you will always have that memory.
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Thank You
Sunday, January 30, 2005
11:47 a.m.Dizzy. Delirious. All smiles.
Ever had one of those days?
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Groovy Baby!
Saturday, January 29, 2005
12:53 a.m.
You're the high fashion trendsetter. You're
confident, independent, outgoing, and love
attention. You might become a star one day. All
the girls like to follow in your foot steps
because you're so cool, fashionable, and don't
care about anything. You make the rules, never
follow. But please be sure not to act bitchy.
That could be bad. But keep the attitude.
That's what makes you, you.
What kind of girl are you? (with pix!) brought to you by Quizilla
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Sinking to Great Depths
Friday, January 28, 2005
01:57 a.m.Perhaps for once Jem is right.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Wish I could end it all right now.
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How?
Thursday, January 27, 2005
01:39 a.m.Confused. Just so confused.
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Personality Test
Monday, January 24, 2005
11:12 p.m.
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You Have A Type A- Personality |
A-
You are one of the most balanced people around
Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want
You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you.
When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back
Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love!
You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds |
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The Long Weekend
Monday, January 24, 2005
10:40 a.m.Talk about a weekend of firsts!
Ok, not actually firsts but firsts in a long time. Not only was this such a hectic weekend (eventhough there was no carwash), it was a rather eventful one.
Despite being so tired, I still met Claire for lunch and then proceeded to meet some of the church youth for bowling and dinner. It has been so long since I bowled and hey, my average was pretty good k!! It was also the first time in a long time that I hung out with them.
Eversince coming to NUS or Eusoff actually, I have been so caught up in hall activities, carwashes etc, that I completely forgot about alot of my other friends outside school. I was either too tired to go out with them or just plain lazy. But it really touched my heart that they did not let this ruin our friendship.
I have known my church youth since I was 9 or something and they were so much a part of my past, that I could not believe that I did not let them be a part of my present. I recall as I took the MRT to CCK to meet them, my mind kept hypothesizing about how akward it may be, eventhough they did invite me out. But lo and behold, there was a whole 1 minute of akwardness before we descended into our usual crazy selves, teasing each other and fooling around. Somethings don't change too as JL, TB and JJ filled me in on the latest gossip.
But what really surprised me was TQ pulling me aside and asking me to be a youth leader again. He had mentioned it on the phone on various occasions but I always deemed it as a courteous move since I helped him build up the youth. But when he seriously asked me to head a comm, I was shocked (in a good way). Did he really think I was ready?
But I guess God showed me this weekend that I can do it if I want it. You could say this long weekend was a rather 'churchey' one. I was with the youth till almost midnight on Friday, spent the whole of Saturday (since 7.30am to 7pm) at the pageant photoshoot, which by the way is gorgeous. JM should really be a model! Then I rushed to church for I had been arrowed to do games for youth service. Accumulated fatigue prevented me from waking up early and was late for church but I spent the remaining half of the day sleeping!! Haha but still the point remained that I manage to squeeze church into my already busy schedule!
This year is going to be the fine art of balance. About not neglecting what is important to me. And thus far, it has been all good. I really hope this continues!
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Hero to My Victim
Friday, January 21, 2005
01:31 a.m.Rescue me
Oh take me in your arms
Rescue me
I want your tender charms
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Come on and rescue me
Come on baby and rescue me
Come on baby and rescue me
'Coz I need you, by my side
Can't you see that I'm lonely
Rescue me
Come on and take my heart
Take your love and conquer every part
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Come on and rescue me
Come on baby and rescue me
Come on baby and rescue me
'Coz I need you by my side
Can't you see that I'm lonely
Rescue me
Oh take me in your arms
Rescue me
I want your tender charms
'Coz I'm lonely and I'm blue
I need you and your love too
Come on and rescue me
Come on baby, take me baby, hold me baby, love me baby
Can't you see that I need you baby
Can't you see that I'm lonely
Rescue me
Come on and take my hand
Come on baby and be my man
Cuz I love you cuz I want you
Can't you see that I'm lonely?
take me baby
love me baby
need me baby
Can't you see that I'm lonely?
rescue me, rescue me....... |
You don't get to tell me what to do until you tell me how you feel
Monday, January 17, 2005
10:29 p.m.I am so happy.
Ever so deliriously happy.
The one thing I thought I lost forever has come back.
Lav is so happy.
And the gorgeous top I bought today merely spiced up an anticipated bland week.
:)
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Can't Fight the Moonlight
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
12:23 a.m.I know I told myself that I would not do this. But I can’t.
My willpower is failing and I’m at my wits end.
Just yesterday, I told Jac and Mich that patience is not one of my virtues and if anyone expected me to wait or abide by a ludicrious instruction, I would probably do so for a few minutes before either getting up and leaving or defying the instruction and following my heart.
But yet here I am now, doing the exact opposite in real life.
So many months and still waiting.
Why can’t I just practice what I preach?
I think I really need help. I’ve always refused it in the past. But I really need it now.
I can’t do this alone. I need help. Lots of it.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
11:31 p.m.In a sudden stroke of luck, I've been posted to party mania with one my really good friends. Ying, we are gona miss you!
Good modules. Pleasant surprises. Posting to one of my fav unis. Good friends.
Its a good start to a year!!
Even if we................
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How Wonderful
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
01:49 a.m.First day of school and I smash into the one person this year is not supposed to be about.
Dammit.
And my wonderful neighbours did not help.
How perfect.
damndamndamndamndamndamn.
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Didn't need a test to tell me I'm very much like her...Haha
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
10:13 a.m.
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You Are Most Like Miranda!
While you've had your fair share of romance, men don't come first
Guys are a distant third to your friends and career.
And this independence *is* attractive to some men, in measured doses.
Remember that if you imagine the best outcome, it might just happen.
Romantic prediction: Someone from your past is waiting to reconnect...
But you'll have to think of him differently, if you want things to work.
Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You Most Like?
Take This Quiz Right Now!
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Up and Down this Road
Monday, January 31, 2005
12:37 a.m.The only world that cannot disappoint you is your fantasy world.
I've been thinking. And cleaning. Yea, generally I think much better when I clean. That is why I keep cleaning my room in hall and tidying up everything in my room at home. I keep thinking about 2004. What went wrong. What was right.
Yea, I know what you are thinking. Get a grip Lav. Its a new year. Why the heck are you living in the past?
But I beg to differ. It is learning from the past that we can plan the future. It is thus no surprise that I'm a history major.
So I kept thinking. About things I did right, wrong or misjudged. About what made me happy and smile then suddenly swing around and make me so depressed. About the things I have left behind according the economics of the theory of tradeoff and the things I gained as a result of it. About what I want in life and what I'm doing to get it. About God, friends and dreams. And that's some heavy thinking I tell you.
And I realised how much I have changed in one year. But its so hard for many to accept it or even give me a chance to show it. Then, I wondered why I seemed so chronically depressed or full of pain the last half of 2004. Why was I constantly disappointed and today John Cage may have enunciated the exact reason in the best way possible- expectations.
I just expect too much. I always expect things to be a certain way and when they don't I always have a back up plan for an alternative expectation to be fulfilled. But last year I didn't. If it went well, it was great. If it didn't, there was nothing I could do. I just sat there and watched it collapse. And that passivity had a tremendous impact on my being. A tad too much in fact.
I could continue typing on all that I have learnt, realised and discovered. Or I could stop dwelling on things unsaid, undone and unspoken and be active for a change. No more hiding in my room in the secret of my pain. No more doing just out of responsibility. I can't control everything but I can control my life. I could just sit in C304 and see it walk right by me through the lens of my translucent curtain or get up and walk out to change it.
Someone took the light out of me but I took it back just in the nick of time. Maybe expectations are only meant for paradise or utopia. Its time I just live and put myself out there. Even if the world is willing to give me a chance or not.
The truth is I never really gave it a chance. Cuz I was too busy judging. Its time now to be part of this game of life. I can only hope that these words will be a reality.
I really want it to be different. I want the real Lav back. I don't want the one I saw in Yr 2 Sem 1. That was not her. It was a shadow of a being.
A being that is so much better and more. And it will show.
Why can't you just let me
Do the things I wanna do
I just wanna be me
I don't understand why
Would you wanna bring me down
I'm only having fun
I'm gonna live my life
not the way you want me to
I'm tired of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
I'm tired of people lying
Saying what they want about me
Why can't they back up off me
Why can't they let me live
I'm gonna do it my way
Take this for just what it is
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The Beginning
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
12:37 p.m.They say the way you begin the new year sets the momentum for that year. The first five days have been a rollercoaster to say the least.
First I begin my New Year with a horrible cold. Been sneezing my life away for the past few days. I actually had to leave church early on NYE as the fever was really raging. Yea, and I decided this year would be different by actually spending it in church and not at a countdown party like I always do or at home watching tv.
Then the next day, Claudia's godparents came over for a visit and we were privy to one too many stories of distress. About people with glaucoma, cancer and depression. Then when visiting my grandaunt and aunt at their home later in the evening, I was told of my aunt's impending divorce. The policy in my family is that one a child is old enough to discern between wrong and right, he/she will be told the truth abt family events. So, my aunt insisted that I remain in the living room and listen to her sad tale.
So yea, evidence points in the direction of an outstanding example of a horrible male and usually Lav will be even more entrenched in her "all men suck" philosophy. But this time I was so calm and told her that maybe she just chose wrongly and she even admited that she was in too much of a rush to get married 14 years ago. Maybe because she was so anti-men, I had to counterbalance her with being calm and rational. But even much later, I felt the same way. Like this strange serenity. But what horrible news to begin a new year! Like the tsunami disaster was not devastating enough.
Things have been pouring in during the last few days. Members are suddenly so hardworking. While others have been slacking like crazy and hiding behind the excuse of DP, IHG, etc. Ok so only 4 members have been slacking while everyone else is working real hard. I even amazed at how hardworking some of them are! But still! Hmpph!
School begins in less than a week. Its time for a new start but I really don't have much energy to do much. The flu is really draining me but I have no time to rest. Work,work, work! And just when I thought I would start anew, something totally strange happens and I don't know how to react. Well this time I'll just let it flow. No more sticking to principles, expectations and ideals. I'll just see where the road leads me too.
And hopefully it will be to heaven.
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Happy New Year!
Sunday, January 2, 2005
01:32 p.m.
That’s my resolution for 2005.
Upon some intense self-reflection and thought over the last few days, I have realized that everything that went wrong or right this year was due to a lack of sleep. Sleeping at 4am has totally wrecked my body clock and I’m so tired during the day that I can’t even pay attention in class. Often, I just end up leaving half way or I just don’t turn up at all. Yea, so last sem was better than my Year 1 Sem 2 when I only attended 1 lecture out of 12 for one of my modules. But still, it has cost me a lot.
I no longer make friends in class cuz I’m just too tired to make small talk with someone so I sit in a corner and lapse into my own thoughts. In addition, considering that I never have time to complete readings and stuff like that, going to lecture is of cardinal importance because I tend to internalize what I listen to, much better than what I read. Due to this lack of sleep, I often spent the whole afternoon after classes (the ones that I do attend), sleeping until dinner or even right past it. Then its meetings galore in the evening and when there are papers due (of which there are many cuz I’m in USP), I sit typing at my laptop till the wee hours of the morning. Not to mention the late night breaks for supper that have added a good many inches to my hips. Ok, so there is some good to late nights as that is the only time I get to talk to my friends and share stuff. But still there are a good many number of friends out there that I neglect cuz I’m too tired to meet, call or sms back or even MSN.
Staying up late once in a while is alright but when it becomes your regular bedtime, its just screwed. And you know what’s strange, after doing it for 6-7 weeks, your body becomes so weak that you no longer can even stay awake for long periods of time. Ironically, it is during the 8th week onwards that you need this stamina cuz all the term papers and midterms will come rolling in. All you end up doing then, is sleep and wake up feeling even more tired, thus affecting your mental capacity. It’s a vicious cycle.
And its high time I break out of it. I’ve always been a person that is full of energy but lately all I am is full of fatigue. Sometimes I’m so tired, I just spent the whole weekend sleeping. Yea, I come home, but all I do is eat, sleep and watch cable. I don’t even end up going to church cuz I can’t wake up on time! And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m so tired. Sleep was a form of escapism for me when I was depressed but lately it has just become a way to spend time or smth. I never used to sleep past 11pm in secondary school or JC unless I was out or glued to the tele. And mind you, I used to sleep for about 2 hours in the afternoon too. Maybe that was why I used to have boundless energy in school and absorbed things so much faster!
So that’s my resolution for 2005- to sleep. Not necessarily sleep more but sleep smart. To be in bed by 1.30am and the latest and be up early to finish up more work if I have yet to finish them the previous night. Afternoon naps should also be limited to 2hours. No more non-stop sleeping until some strange sound awakens me.
No more ostentatious resolutions to work harder, to be a mugger, save money, lose weight or crap like that. Just sleep right. Easy and simple. No one appreciates sleeping more than Lav. Ok, maybe Lorraine too. Hopefully then, I will have more energy and motivation to be friendly, absorb facts better (note how I didn’t say study), go to church and eat at proper times and not whenever I feel like it. See, one easy solution to so many problems. So my friends, just
SLEEP!
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