alcohol, to face my next day...
Saturday, June 26, 2004

ada kabar baru, mantan gue udah punya ce lagi... hanya beberapa hari stlh gue pegat dari dia. Nice!! this is all i need! to face my next day, to face my short time... to face everything i loved and i have to letting go.

so you wanna say i am worse for you? o yea i am. i'm not yur friend, i'm justyour victim-collection anyway, who need me? why does people always want me being someone who's not me? did the know me for real? know the TRUE ME? so why does they keep asking me to be "NOT-SO-ME" person?? it's s*ck! Have you ever know the feeling being ME? if you have, then think about it, it's HURT, JERK!! You'll never being accept by those people until you do what they want you to do...

that's me... MARIONETTE. i'm breathing from the strings which control my body and my mind... i am. but i can't do nothing, i'm just their doll anyway, yes... i am...

that's me... BLACKCAT. i'm 'black', full of 'hates', 'pains', 'revenges', 'anger' and i press myself hard being missy to get all of your attention like a cat do.. i am

that's me... dhee'... da real me, who never get accepted by everyone who wish me for MORE, and ask me for being someone who's not me... i am.

and now you told me for being happy and enjoy my life? i am!!!!!!! i do enjoy my PAINS!!! i did that for YOU!!!! i even don't have any time for myself, why?? coz i hate to remember my bad memories! but i always have time for drinks, and cigars and i enjoy it... to face my next day and the hell....

just want to take my photo ^^
Wednesday, June 23, 2004

this is my pic before i cut my hair, amd it as been formatted... hehehe...

"Mampu berpikir lebih dewasa, at least..."
Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Last noon, i've talked with him... i told him that i want him to be with me again, i pleaded him to gimme a 2nd chance, and of course... with cries (it's just so me ^^;) and 'til this time, i still don't have the answer. i don't want to push him to make the decision too fast, i just want to give him some times.. and when i talked to him about that, he was late for his part-time job. and i (with my swollen eyes; i always cry and sleep rarely since that day we've broke up) asked him to go working. maybe 'coz my non-selfish mode was on, or maybe 'coz i wasn't ready to hear the answer right now... i don't know... i really don't understand myself...

But tonite, or should i say; this early morning (i typed this entry in my PC in early morning, and i add it now, at the cyber cafe -.-;), i decide to not plead him for the 2nd chance anymore, and maybe he shouldn't gimme the answer about it.. 'coz i've already knew the answer. Maybe 'coz our religion are different, maybe 'coz our mind way aren't same, and maybe... 'coz we don't match each other... Yea, i've already knew the answer will be "I CAN'T"...

I dunno know what was happened with me, but i can think about it adultly.. Suddenly i just want my life goes-on with my way, and i don't want to push anything that i can't do.. or neither him can't do. i wish my decision is right. maybe this thought just make him more confuse about me, but i don't want him back with me but he can't stand it anymore.

He said, my high-temperature of emotion (i'm a sensitive girl -,-;) was out of the limits, too jealousy and more that he just can't help me to fix this-so-me-my bad habits. i wish he could be my wise boy, the one who teach me more about the negative causes from this-so-me-my bad habits. and DAMNED!! i thought he will never give up.. i thought he will be patient with me. i don't mean to judge him or blame him for these all, but our relation was just 3 weeks passes. i know we will never be forever, i know that someday we have to say a GOOD BYE, but not this DAMNED fast! you may say i'm not a playgirl typical, i have loyalty and i will survive it 'til the time to say "good bye" is come. even if my zodiac is Gemini, but i have loyalty for my relation, both my love or my friends. but they just can't see it through this weak self of mine, they just see me physically.. and you know what? i do hate the people who judge the book by it's cover, in other words; "i do hate the people who judge me from my physic..." WHY? 'coz i don't have a perfect body, i don't have a perfect brain BUT i do have a HEART to feel LOVE.

At least, i like to sing some old song from Emilia; "I'm a big big girl in a big big world, it's not a big big things if you leave me. But i do do feel that i do do will MISS YOU MUCH... miss- you-much...." for all of these pains i have feel. Good Bye, Robin... BOGOR!!! here i come!!! (i want to suffering my pains with go hang-outs with all my DUMB but lovely friends ^^ 'til the end of holiday!!)

"Breakin' My Princip, at last..."
Monday, June 21, 2004

Jujur aja, aku marah. Tapi ini juga karena sikap sok bijak aku, sehingga aku coba untuk menyampingkan egois aku. Padahal, kalo mau egois, aku gak mau dia putus dari aku. Aku masih butuh dia. Hubungan aku sama dia baru 3 minggu kurang, dan aku belum ngerasain sesuatu yang 'real' dalam hubungan aku sama dia.. dan aku masih ingin perjuangin itu. Tapi aku kecewa ngedengar semua keputusan dia. Padahal aku sendiri yang maksa dia untuk bikin keputusan secara satu pihak...

Tapi hari ini, ya... hari ini... aku mau nanya dia lagi. Aku pingin dengar itu dengan pasti lagi. Kalo perlu aku gak usah menyampingkan egoisnya aku. Aku mau jujur, dan aku mau minta dia supaya jangan putusin aku dulu. Menyedihkan? Bodo amatan! Aku tau apa yang aku mau. Dan inilah yang aku mau. Aku mau jalanin terus hubungan aku sama dia.

Dan seandainya bisa, aku janji: aku gak bakalan egois lagi, aku gak bakalan pundungan lagi, aku janji aku bakalan lebih nurut sama dia, aku juga mau janji supaya gak sering minum alkohol lagi kalo gak perlu, aku juga janji bakalan ngurangin kadar rokok aku.

Mungkin, ini adalah saatnya aku nggak peduliin prinsip aku yang "nggak mau jadian 2 kali sama mantan"... tapi kalo boleh jujur, aku belum anggap dia mantan aku. Kali ini, untuk pertama kalinya aku yang akan minta balikan. Dan itu adalah hal yang paling aku hindarin, namun sekarang harus aku hadapin dengan baik, jangan berkesan ngemis, dan jangan berkesan "I can't live without you" tapi harus berkesan "I'm good, with or without you. But if I'm with you, I'll be BETTER"... dan ingat kata Anny; "jangan pake emosi, yang nangis ataupun marah2. Itu harus elo kesampingin dulu"... and you know what? emang bener sih. Lebih baik jangan sampe nangis, gue gak mau terkesan 'minta dikasihani'. Tapi juga jangan sampe marah, itu malah lebih parah lagi...

I have to be adult, and to learn what I want is to know my own self.

.....................................................................
Tuesday, June 15, 2004

i have a gank and i have so much friends before, yeah BEFORE, let me spell it once again B-E-F-O-R-E. so what was happened now? THEY'RE RUNNING AWAY!!! shit!!

saat mereka ada masalah, gue bantu setulus hati gue walo mungkin masalah mereka cuma seiprit doank sampe yg segede-gede bagong shg bikin gue jadi mikir sementara orangnya bersantai-santai, semuanya gue ladenin dengan ringan hati. tapi apa yang terjadi ketika gue punya masalah? THEY'RE RUNNING AWAY dan lebih dari itu THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK!! and they called it FRIENDSHIP?!

damn you all the peoples at my class!! you guys are disguising!! to all of the RAIKON'ers; "you guys make my existence gone"

and thanks for all the peoples which called it FRIENDSHIP if the situation is like this!!

ugly sleeping princess... awakening?
Tuesday, June 1, 2004

i have to tell something about me, hehehe... I'M NOT SINGLE ANYMORE!!!

oops! i'm sorry, i didn't mean to have some party for my un-single status, but i just wanna say how unbelievable feeling i've got when that guy suddenly ease my pains from my s*ck-f*cking-sh*t (sorry) x-boy.. well, not that much but i'm so thank's GOD!!!

okay, this guy named THIO ROBIN FERNANDO and i used to call him "Ndotz" hehe... i'll try to steal his pic and add it here someday, but i can't promise you all. and GOSH!!! he's so tall! i like the smile on his face, CUTE!!!

i met him at some party in my university, it's called "POSEMATHA" and he was the MC and the leader of the party. there were a band sang "HONEY" from L'Arc~en~Ciel and i have to ask about them, so i called him and asking him about that band... too bad, that band looks like boy-band style and i have no attention too much anymore about that band. but suddenly after that party, i met him again (Robin), he waved his hand and said "hi" with a wide smile. i was forgot who's that guy, and when my friend told me about "POSEMATHA", then i finally knew who's he. it takes a long time when suddenly he came at a bilyard station and saw me, me with a half-drunk condition (i was too stress about a guy named "PERU" and about my s*ck-f*cking-sh*t x-boy too...). and i went home with his help, then we had an excited night that we spent with shared each other... he was so nice... from that night, we always playing bilyard together and then my friend suddenly being a lovemaker between me and him... and then... bla-bla-bla... i won't tell you all about what was happned... i guess you'll get bored if you read this entry ^^ so... i'm so sory!! i'll tell you guys again next time ^^

bubbye!!

happy b-day to MEEEEEEEEE!!!
Monday, May 31, 2004

well, akhirnya masa yang menakutkan itu terlewati juga, dengan banyaknya belepotan krim kue di muka gue and sampe2 gue dipanggil "anak monyet" (karena emang mirip katanya).. kejadian itu terjadi di Bali, tgl 25 May tepat jam 12.00 WIBA (waktu indonesia Bali) di kebun rumah temen gue. dan naasnya tu krim kue bukan milik gue tapi milik klub teater gue, karena tgl 24 May-nya itu ultah klub teater gue... lebih naasnya lagi... ultah itu gue rayain tanpa teman2 tercinta gue dari pihak RAIKON... sad sad me... huft...

maybe laen kali gue masukin foto gue yg katanya "anak monyet" itu.. oke? gue agak gak sehat hari ini... oke? byebye...

It's already morning, and i haven't sleep yet!!!
Monday, May 10, 2004

what should i do to get my money back? what should i do?!! help me please!!!

other than that, i want to tell you guys about something; I'M SLEEPY!! and i have a class at 11 o'clock! GOD! HELP ME!!

oh yea, there are some plans to have a page for my stories' catalog, one other page for my friends pics gallery (i'll add their important biodata) so you guys may know them too (tell me if you want to 'know them well') hm... maybe i can be your lovemaker ^^, some page for my poems, and some more for lyrics that i have... i hope you'll enjoy it

for my new friends; brent, marc, yurida, asami and reza prasetyo hajimemashite and irashaimase!!!

I feel so dizzy...
Monday, May 3, 2004

kore wa dhee' desu.

nee, today is my busy day. lately i've helped my theatre club to get some money by sold some second shirts, then today i've finished this blog, this afternoon i have to go to theatre practicing... bah... i will not sleep right now. and the bazaar goes on tomorrow... i have to be a fortune-teller... tsk tsk tsk... GOD... please lend me your energy!

Gosh, i spend my nite over at this cyber cafe, i dunno what to do anymore but crying. yeap, crying... that guy is pretty annoying! He’s stolen my wallet!!

by the way, i'm kinda missing my friends at bogor. i have some bad feeling for them. hey dudes! if you read this, please answer me!!

it's pretty boring here without you guys!!