Hungry.
Leo and I met yesterday and ironed things out. At least now we're not giving each other the silent treatment anymore. I feel better. It was good, no tears were shed. That's always good. I gotta eat lunch.
Today was a no-go.
I basically slept through the movie times I wanted to go to today. Oh well. Perhaps tomorrow. I wonder if I'm going to get fired from my job. Then I'll go on unemployment until I leave for Salt Lake, if I don't leave earlier first. I don't really care about anything these days. I just wish the people I worked with weren't so lazy and stupid. I can't suffer these fools much longer.
Downloading fool.
I found another mother lode site for Sims downloads. Lots of really cool stuff. Very thorough. I need to get more people in the neighborhood. My new character, Angela, is on the fast track to being an Information Overlord. But the cool thing about Heather, when she reaches the pinnacle of her career (International Spy), she'll be the only one who gets car pooled to work in a Bentley. That's my girl. I need to get a better wardrobe for her.
How tongue-in-cheek...
I'm going to see "Snatch" this afternoon. The director is Madonna's new husband. I didn't need to know that. But I like Benicio Del Toro and Brad Pitt is fighting in another movie, so it must be done. I just wish I didn't feel so nauseous right now. I can't tell if I'm sick or hungry. Feh.
All I wanna do...
1. Play with my Sims
2. Sleep
3. Drink vodka
4. Not go to work (read-- at least I still want to work, but just not where I do. I'm being torn apart over there)
Game imitates Life.
So, Heather looked like she was getting a little fat. After all, she invites her friends over every night and cooks for them, and wasn't exercising. I didn't notice until she got out of the pool to go to the bathroom and her red bikini was not flattering at all. And her clothes changed, too; she was wearing the fat clothes that the Sims offer, which are not attractive. So I built a exercise room for her and put her on the Nautilus. I wanted her to bone up on her mechanical skills because she was promoted to bush pilot today, and after working out (and not gaining her body point because she quit too soon), she told me she was too depressed to study. Ouch. So what did she do? Get on the computer to have some fun. Scary. At least she's a bush pilot and not a paper monkey like me.
And for the record, I hate where I work and I hate everyone I work with.
I'm finally accepted.
I received notice that I am now "Sister Raspil" at OBSSE. I am so happy.
I love Comedy Central.
Wednesday night from 9-10 is the only time to watch this channel. South Park and then TV Funhouse. If you haven't seen TVF, you are missing out. It makes South Park look like Sesame Street, but with more animal puppet porn.
Tied up in knots.
I received word back from Leo. He stopped reading my pita. I wish he hadn't. Maybe it wouldn't make any difference. I don't know anymore. All I know is my stomach is doing flip-flops right now. I wish he could have understood and accepted me; that's all I wanted. Then I know things would have been different. It's for the best, he and I parting ways. I just wasn't what he wanted and I can never be. So be it.
One Bad Bitch.
I love Jessica Alba. She talks like me and fights like Nina Williams.
Please answer me why.
Why would anyone worship this _______? I choose not to put in what I think because I'll probably get sued and have everything I own taken away from me. But still.
Don't be a jackass, stupid.
There's a little sweetie on here who thinks that school is a waste of time, boring, and she hates it. Of course, she can't spell and uses the word "of" incorrectly, as in, "I could of done this..." instead of "I could HAVE done this." Oh Christ. Girl, you need to keep your dumb ass in school, otherwise you will be working the drive-thru because no one will hire you once you get out of school. Of course, someone like this can't possibly fathom what lies outside of school because she hasn't been prepared. This is why I WEEP for the future. George Bush, Jr. wants to improve the American school system when Texas' schools are ranked 48th in the nation? What fucking good is he going to do? I myself am a product of public schools, but at least I know how to spell. To become a certified webmaster, you need school, and you need to pass a test. Oops! There goes your dreams! Girls like this make me puke red, white, and blue.
Ever feel like you're drowning?
I am. I feel like shit. I don't know what I want. But I do, the human teeter totter strikes again. Fuck.
What fun is this??
Just start here and look at will. I was pleasantly surprised to see Chris Cornell in here. Silly fucker. Beck is one good looking man. Wow.
I am the human teeter-totter.
One minute, I want to be friends with him again. The next, I remind myself why that can never be. The next, I want to apologize. The next, I realize that I have nothing to apologize for. One minute, I need to call him. The next, if I hear his voice, I know I will only hear bad things coming from it. One minute, I have to see him. The next, I will just be disappointed. No wonder I'm so tired.
I do have two things of his to return to him, so I had to email him today. It's the right thing to do.
News of the Day.
Seems that Brady is taken. Oh well. He's also a Leo/Tiger, so I'm not missing much. I had a new addition to the Ouch! clique. Be a team player and join today. It's time for dinner.
I love you, Cherry Garcia.
So good. I should tend to my nails tonight. They look like shit. My nervous/stress habit it in full force. Even when I know I shouldn't put my fingers in my mouth (say, at work, or at the mall), I still do. It is my subconscious way of saying that something is very wrong with me. I could use about 6 or 7 band-aids right now. I have to make sure I continue exercising to keep my energy up because right now, I am lacking. Motivation right now is difficult. I am not a person who turns to food for a friend or to soothe me and make me feel better: I turn to alcohol. It used to be speed and coke, but I can't do that anymore. If I could afford it, I probably would. I'll just go on spending money on books on HTML, games, and Smirnoff to stay on the straight and narrow. I would like to think I'm falling apart for better reasons than Leo. I don't think it's all about him. I miss him, and that is normal. My mom told me she still misses the guys she used to run with. It's about my shitty job and the fact that I deal with assholes all day when I would prefer to be doing something I love or learning to do something I love. But while I am wasting my last three months at that shithole, I will at least have some eye candy to look at until I'm gone. His name is Brady. Oh yeah. Back on the horse.
Ouch, fucker.
I don't like it when total strangers call me psychotic. That doesn't help my already shaken psyche. I'm me, and if someone doesn't understand me, then that's just tough shit. But if it earns me a link and respect for being funny... don't call me crazy. "Eccentric" has a more poetic ring to it, and it doesn't imply that I would go on a killing spree, like "psychotic" does. A true writer chooses their words carefully; I wish other people could.
We're consumers, Roscoe.
I bought two books on HTML today and a companion book to the Sims LL. Now if I could only have some sort of concentration to go read them. I'm still down. The thought of the song "Loving Cup" by the Stones almost brought me to tears today. The Thought of a song did this. I'm sick of it, but I've got my pride. I just have to remind myself of the truth every moment I'm awake: nothing I can do will make it better.
It's not me, it's you.
I hope someone who used to be close to me reads this site and feels a little compassion to the way he used to treat me.
Still Livin' Large.
I'm about to hit the downloads. I'm surprised, because all I want to do these days is drink vodka and sleep. Could I have a problem? My only problem is running out of mixer.
Hint: Our heroine jokes more when she's depressed. Humor helps her feel human (as well as alliteration).
If this pisses you off, take a minute and do something about it.
Just go here and read about how stupid, misinformed, paranoid, and ridiculous the DEA is. This is your government, folks. Your parents' tax dollars at work, and soon enough, YOURS. Do something to stop them.
Soul of a woman was created below.
I get to sippin' on the Smirnoff, and the next thing I know, my ass is in the Astrology room in Yahoo chat. Fuck me. I have not been creative, intuitive, or even interesting. I should really go to bed because I am now tired and tomorrow I will be hungover. I've nibbled all of my fingernails off and I'm going to work on the cuticles next. That's always a sign that something bad is about to go down.
Leo told me something last week that has almost been haunting me. He said that he'd been praying for me. That doesn't sit well with me; he and I don't share the same beliefs, and after all of this nonsense, why would he bother with me? Why does he care? Does he? Do I? Am I really sabotaging my life, or is he projecting his own insecurities onto me and MAKING it sound like it's all about me? (insert armchair psych) Never mind. It's Mulder time.
It's no use. She's addicted.
I thought an addiction to cliques was bad-- at least I'm getting my "face" out there. But with this Sims thing; man, I tell you what. I've been downloading more crap. I think I'm going to build an apartment complex and add more single people and ruin their lives. Fun! I downloaded a PT Cruiser for Heather yesterday, but it doesn't have any animation. It only sits there in her driveway collecting dust. Guess I'll have to sell it. Big Deal.
Thank god it's over.
Today was the day from Hell. That's all I have to say about that. But I did get my neck fondled by the fantastic Dr. F while he checked out my ear problem. Oh yeah.
I think I will give my little people the night off and try to design some pages. That is, if I don't get too hammered. My job is driving me to drink, I swear.
She's blunt, I'll give her that.
I miss sex with Leo. Oh, he was so good. The whole moment of penetration could be otherworldly. And gorgeous... he's one of the most gorgeous men I've ever met. I don't even know if he's forgiven me for New Year's (though I didn't do anything to him directly); not 100% about the act itself, but the whole sordid homewrecker status that I think he's given me. I doubt it. I haven't spoken to him in a week, and this has been a really long week without seeing him. Man, do I miss him. I'm becoming less happy about this. I'm still moving to Utah, but this has been very taxing on me. I hope he's doing okay.
Poetry.
I'm a little pea
I love the sky and the trees
I'm a teeny tiny little ant
Checking out this and that
And I am nothing
So you have nothing to hide
And I'm a pacifist
So I can fuck your shit up
Oh yeah, I'm small.
Fuck you, asshole
You homophobic, redneck dick
Big and tough and macho you can kick my ass
So fucking what?
So Fucking What.
Have I mentioned lately that I love Google?
Someone looked up on Google "black tongue -- dogs" and was sent to my pita with the frog bitch on it because I wrote about the conversation I have with my osteopath about waking up with a black tongue one morning. What's funny about that is they were probably looking for what they were searching for and decided to look at my site! I'm laughing, seriously.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to install my Sims, Livin' Large.
Back and forth inside my own head.
Every time I get in my car, I find myself thinking about Leo. The good, bad, and everything in between. I wonder if I should bury the hatchet with him. I wonder if it would do any good or actually just be a mistake. He and I have been through a lot, but I just can't help thinking that nothing will change. I can't see any grays right now-- it's either yes or no, black or white, but that's how I am anyway. I'm not 100% happy about cutting him out of my life, I mean, he does have his good points. I just don't want to get caught in a circle anymore. Make up and have everything be okay for a while, then something happens and life blows up again. That is so exhausting. I know I said I'd call the cops if he called here again, but who would that be fair to? That would totally fuck up his life. I only said that because I was upset. To say I didn't care about him would obviously be a lie. I don't know if I love him, but I do care. If I didn't care, I would not be writing this right now.
Woo Hoo!
I got my expansion pack today. Rock. Of course, I am too fatigued to even install it, so until tomorrow... feh.
Trouble in Paradise.
Since I fucked up Heather's good mood yesterday, I decided to surprise her with a brand new 3100 square foot house with pool, Jacuzzi, stainless steel kitchen, expensive furniture, and every amenity I would personally want... and now she's caught in a love triangle. One guy is Anthony up the block, and the other is Chris Cornell. See, Anthony first fell in love with Heather, but Chris and Heather fell in love at the same time. I knew this by the little pink hearts above their heads that sprouted when the time came. So much like my dreams! They hung out in the Jacuzzi, had lunch, they exchanged presents, and that's where I saved it. She's about to make dinner and I don't want her dumb ass burning the house down again. How does she break the news to Anthony? It's a good thing that I made Chris Cornell a bachelor. Duh. Stay tuned to see what unfolds, especially when Elvis moves into the lot across the street.
True Confessions.
I've been thinking about what's happened in the past week. I told Leo that I slept with my ex (who happened to be married at the time) on New Year's. He didn't take it too well. But I wanted to make sure that I had no ties to Texas before I left for Utah. And to keep a secret of that magnitude from my friend, who has told me that I can tell him anything, would have just eaten me up. To tell Leo what I had done was not easy by any stretch, but he seemed to think I was very cavalier about the whole sordid incident. He doesn't know the history, he doesn't know the reasoning behind New Year's, and he doesn't understand what I have given up because of Chris. Chris had told me that he was thinking about making some changes in his life in regards to his marriage, and that I was going to be the one he wanted to be with. Last time I buy that line from a married man after three White Russians and three bottles of champagne. Lesson Learned! Chris told me that on the 8th (his one-year anniversary), he was going to tell his wife (he'd mentioned this to me a month prior). Well, plans changed. He was busted with the scratches on his back. And, because of what "happened", he had decided that he really wanted to stay with his wife and wasn't ready to "give up on [my] marriage." How did that make me feel? Let's see: hurt, betrayed, used, lied to, deceived, and angry beyond belief. I'd been wanting to get back with Chris since March 1999, but in April 1999, I met Leo, and stopped thinking about Chris. So, I told Leo about this, he judged me, I decided that there was now nothing in Texas worth staying for, and was going to move to Salt Lake City. Chris knows I'm leaving, and he didn't seem too happy about that. He's not going to have a good life, living in a prison camp with his now untrusting wife. He knew what he was doing, I don't doubt that for a second. Men who are happy in their marriages do not cheat on their wives. So that crap about me saying "no" to his advances doesn't mean a damn thing. I hadn't been getting any for about 5 months because Leo didn't want me, so here's a guy who does. And top it all with alcohol... I'm only human. Chris knew what he was getting himself into, and I think that the only reason he's staying with his wife is out of guilt. Oh well. I'm the one who is truly free. I don't need a man to be happy. I also learned some things about Leo from all of this-- I couldn't tell him anything I wanted to. He always said I could. I don't understand why he was so hurt; he and I aren't and haven't been dating in a long time, nor have we been intimate in a long time. I felt like he was keeping me at arm's length. Being around him knowing that I was only going to be a friend was absolutely torturous. Being around him only hurt and I was tired of that. I'm saving myself. I need to. The last thing I need is more complication.
Well, I think I got that all taken care of. How gruesome. I'm not used to this much drama. I hate it. But I do wish that Leo and I didn't have to end on such a negative note. But if that's the way it has to be, so be it.
Hack Hack Hack.
I'm talking about me coughing from my continuing PND. Damn cedar. I've been very fatigued this morning at work. All I want to do is download, unzip, and transmogrify. It's all I can think about. I should be getting Livin' Large tomorrow. I can't wait. I can't think right now.
Hard to Archive when you've had about 5 ounces of Smirnoff.
I have a choice to make-- go to the Transmogrifier website for my Sims or go to bed. Tough choice.
