Entry 46: You guys are still reading?
After this week, I'm not going to have to work again for another four years. Four years. After three or so of putting up with the general populace of South-eastern America, I'm really looking forward to unemployment. I wish I put in my notice a week earlier. It gets to the point where all the customers get on your nerves, not just the ones with psychological disorders.

The upper portion of the store has a leak in it. I say upper portion, as opposed to ceiling, or roof, because we're not quite sure where the leak is. Ceiling tiles just seem to magically swell with the weight of water around this time of the year, right over the antenna section. I got up on a ladder to investigate this year's soggy parabolic bulge, and in the process ruptured it, sending water and bits of tile everywhere below me. Last year I think it exploded on its own, on a customer. Even after climbing up there with a flashlight, none of us can figure out where the water is coming from, even though we suspect the air conditioner. Nothing up there is wet, or shows signs of dripping. We have a bucket below the hole, just in case, but the leak seems to have moved one tile over now, just to piss us off, as there's yet another bulge.

I'm doing random stuff to keep myself entertained now. The other day I made a salestag for a boombox with the title, "RCA GHETTOBLASTER(c)." Someone tore it up though. I guess GHETTOBLASTER is derogatory somehow. I changed the Cyber Nanny on the MSN INTERNET DISPLAY to say that RadioShack dislikes porn everytime someone attempts to reach a blocked site. That was to see if I could change it. Next I'm going to replace it with a nude picture of Dilbert.

Entry 45: *firework*
Never have I wished so heartily for some form of entertainment than earlier this morning. Our internet computer, being fried and all, didn't offer too much in that categlory, and we sold the television we usually watch. So, in case you have tried using that fickle little webcam we have set up, that's the reason it's not working this time. Today, of course being a national holiday, most businesses were closed. People slept in, woke up, and ate barbeque. People didn't hurry out of bed to get batteries. So, what did my boss decide to do? Open from 9am to 5pm instead of 9am to 8pm. Generous guy huh?

In the first four hours we did roughly $200 in sales. Some simple math will give you the average sales rate of $50 an hour. Now, if you assume that 50% of that was profit, which is wasn't (We're actually LOSING money on a lot of the phones this month. Hooray for sales.) then the store made about $25 every hour. Right? Check my math here now guys, we tried explaining this to my boss and he didn't understand. We had four guys working today. Two are paid a little over $7 an hour, I'm paid right around six, and the newbie is paid a little less than that (I hope). Let's use the numbers 7,7,6,5 in our calculations, and we figure that the total pay per hour for the staff today was *gasp* $25. So, our store was making absolutely squat--a gain that we were forced to sacrifice our holiday for. I crossed myself off of the schedule and left.

You know how my last update spoke of the glory days, including a link to the infamous "burger king" story? Well, it just so happens that I recieved a call from the very man whose visit I wrote about in that very entry. How is that for a coincidence? I was just about to help Dilbert deliver a television of about 30lbs ("He needs help... it's... heavy.") when the phone rang. It was that same guy that lives out in the middle of nowhere, wanted me to come fix his answering machine again.

After getting directions that included a very distinct statement, "Turn right at the gas station on airport rd. and I'll be right there," I hopped into Dilbert's SUV and we were off, at speeds far higher than one should attempt in such a vehicle. The man we delivered the TV to was old, and talked quite a lot. We carried in the TV, pretending it was heavy so as to impress him, and he rambled about flipping off a DirecTV installer. We went about the process of screwing a coax cable into the back, (taking 20 minutes to do so, in order to make it seem difficult) and he said something about stealing a TV with silver wiring from Magnavox. He pressed random buttons on the remote, I pulled the installation fee of $40 out of thin air, and we were off.

We never did find the answering machine guy. We drove 20 minutes out to Airport Rd, made a right turn onto it (like he said) and drove for a little over another 20 minute span. We were looking for that damn gas station that we were supposed to turn right at, but there apparently isn't one. But, I suppose that an hour-long loop without purpose isn't all that bad. Besides, we didn't have to clock out when going for the delivery job. $20 in your pocket, along with hourly wage isn't all that shabby.

Entry 44: Uh...
You know, it's hard to take the time between updates off from work, and then have to write about what happened at work in those few days. *sigh* Why can't I have the brilliance I had back in these days? I used to have all types of stuff to write about. You know what it is don't you? I stopped working so hard. I suddenly realized, "Hey, why do I have to help the customers?" I won't get fired, I don't care if I do, I don't get commision, and we have trainees that haven't reached those realizations yet. So, those of us that have been around for a while just kind of sit on our butts, avoiding work, getting paid higher wages than the newbies, and thereby gaining their contempt. The good thing? Very few horrible customers to handle, as compared to the old days. The bad thing? Very few horrible customers to handle as compared to the old days. Oh well.

I went to Best Buy today, and I no longer feel all that bad for those times when we can't get people out of the store at closing time. I walked in at about 10 til' 6, and managed to get out slightly after that all-important closing time. As I was hurrying out, so as to be as courteous as possible, they were closing the huge metal gates over their automatic doors. The problem was, there were still customers inside, so they couldn't close ALL the gates. They left one open. So, on the way to my car, at least two dozen new customers continued to flow in. Most of them glanced at the gates, then their watch, and then they pranced right on in the "out" door. Of course, those employees probably get overtime, or at least commision or something. As of eight o' clock, I'm no longer on the payroll, and I still have to close up.

On Wednesday I mentioned Keyno's little musical interludes, with the amplifier and keyboard he hooked up. Ratboy was making announcements the other day along the lines of, "Cleanup on isle 23," and, "Strobe light special ended due to blindness." You know, that crazy stuff that makes me want to attach a microphone to the webcam. I was thinking that we should start using that to get people out of the store. I mean, you'd have to crouch behind some boxes or something, so that they don't see you staring at them while you're telling them to leave, but it could work. You just pick it up and go, "Attention Radioshack customers, we are now closing." It works for the big stores. A customer walked in while Ratboy was singing a rap song or something, and after quickly putting down the microphone, he played it off by saying something like, "Yeah... it seems to check out..." Something tells me none of us have the guts to make the closing announcement.

Entry 43: Headset...
Last night we sat through another wonderful store meeting, with the only actual employees in attendance being myself, Dilbert, and Ratboy. Dillbert and I were closing, so we really didn’t have a choice. I’m not sure why Wandy came back. Nothing better to do I assume. Aside from the three of us, the owner (who leads the drudging hour-long session), and the moronic manager from the other store showed up. So, we had a bunch of people with, in the worst case of the group, at least a year’s worth of full-time experience. Neither of the two newest employees bothered to show up, and can you guess what we were subjected to? A training video intended to be the first thing a newly hired person is shown.

Oh yes, it covered such wonderfully hard to grasp concepts as “Greeting the customer.” What is the correct way to do that, you wonder? Well, according to the video, “it’s not rocket science.” As a matter of fact, that phrase was repeated approximately as many times as I nodded off to sleep throughout the course of Radioshack’s little presentation. “This is ROCKET SCIENCE: *picture of astronaut standing there*, this is NOT, ‘How are you doing,” this is ROCKET SCIENCE: *picture of scientist writing E=MC^2*, this is NOT, ‘How are you doing?” It’s wonderful that they’ve started developing these educational films so late into my retail ‘career.’ When I started they just kind of threw me in and expected me to swim. Had I known what I now know after last night’s meeting, my first words to a customer would have been, “How are you doing,” as opposed to that string of obscenities I usually begin with.

I have been considering the option of passing the RETAIL PAGE TORCH™®© on to Ratboy once I quit in a few weeks. (He prefers to be called by his IRC moniker ‘codelogic,’ but who really cares?) It remains to be seen whether or not his view of the world, and his ability to convert it into HTML form, will be close enough to mine to keep you guys happy. I believe in him though. The only danger is that he might slip into a rant about his Mustang. He’s been known to do that from time to time. He’s getting better as the car gets older, however. He’s even stopped moving his car next to mine, using it as a shield against bumps and scratches that may occur if anyone else is able to park next to him.

Some old guy that didn’t really speak English has been plaguing us for the past few days. He comes in asking about a cellular phone, and whoever gets stuck explaining it to him quickly realizes that this particular man either lacks the language, or mind, to understand our rates. While we’re talking monthly charges and coverage area, he’s standing there repeating, “Phone… Phone… Li-thi-um I-on,” over and over. He reminds me of that turtle off of some of those Bugs Bunny cartoons. He just kind of moves around the store at so slow a rate that you can’t tell he’s mobile. He keeps trying to talk to the owner now, believing that since he sits in the back and writes checks, he MUST know the most about the phones, and have a superior ability to explain them. This guy is so bad that my boss manages to either be talking on the phone, or about to leave for lunch when the old fart comes in. Today the turtle man was wandering around our back room for a period of two hours, due to my boss pulling the “gotta go to lunch” routine. I think he walked off with a few of our order catalogues. At one point he got out of the chair he had been in for an hour or so, and wandered over to me while I was programming a phone. He had his hands side-by-side, palms facing up, supporting the phone, and he starting repeating, “Head-set… Head-set.” One of my coworkers walked in about that time, seeing as I had my hands full.

“What do you need bud?”

“…headset…”

“You need an adapter for that phone. It plugs in the bottom.”

“…headset…”

”Yeah, you need the adapter.”

“Plug…………plug.”

“It’s about $8.00.”

“Plug.”

I’m pretty sure the guy drove to the store. That’s amazing enough in itself. I’m going to go take an hour lunch now. I should be back right before closing.