Entry... four? TRIBUTE TO BRIS CETINNI!!
Heh... This is the update I was supposed to do yesterday, but I happened to be away from my house the entire weekend, with my girlfriend, so just imagine how hard I tried to be back home in time to update this silly page that no one reads anyway. "Not very," should be the answer you're thinking of, but I'll also accept, "Get on with the #@$! update."

So, here's the big Sunday/Monday Bris update that I promised. Our branch of the loveable franchise electronics dealer doesn't seem to have had too good of a history for employing quality workers, and an even worse history of getting rid of them. The guy I got stuck working with when I first arrived was a manic depressive. He'd stand infront of the TV his whole shift, propped against a dolly of video tapes, moving only to make a lewd or racist comment. One time, I'm told, he was found on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, with a store full of customers walking around him seeking assistance. He wasn't fired. He quit because they cut back his hours a little.

Then came Taylor, or Tyler, or something like that. He was a guy in his twenties, who cussed infront of the customers and my church-going boss, and was basically pretty obnoxious. He used to answer the phones with those loveable lines like, "Roadkill cafe, you kill 'em, we'll grill 'em." They cut back his hours a little too, so he quit to work as a bouncer at a nearby strip club.

We've had Kristen, who was there long before I, and just left a short while ago, who I believe was Ex-navy. She was a rather fat woman that dressed in men's clothing, that had a man's voice, and that customers really did think was a man. She didn't correct them, although I'm sure I'd quit too after the hundreth or so time. She had the annoying habit of leaving at the exact minute her shift is over, no matter who she was helping. She also called in sick a lot. The last time I saw her was months ago. She called in sick because of some heart problem...

We've had Scott, the womanizing drunk smoker, Bill, a really old guy who called in sick a lot, Robin, some woman who added false hours to her paycheck and pretended she was manager, and some other stupid female who knew nothing, yet supposedly she left to run her OWN Radio Shack (tm)(c)(R)

We've had our share of losers, but this entry is dedicated to Chris Bet... I mean... Bris Cettini. Bris is the worst by far.

First off, he's a slacker. He's not just an ordinary slacker though, he seems to have a special skill for it. When a customer comes into the store he instinctfully moves away from them, sometimes to the back of the store, or to the front, or to the video store next door. He manages to get a co-worker between he and the customers at all times, so that he's never asked for help. I've even seen him pick up a random item and stare at it so that everyone that comes in will think him a customer. You really have to work to make him handle a customer. It's like a game of chess; move to the RC car display, so that he'll try to cut you off with a sweep around the battery tower, at which point you hold your stomach and run to the bathroom, leaving him on the sales floor. He spends all his time either watching TV, or using our wonderful MSN DSL INTERNET CENTER(tm)(c)(R). He often runs around with his cell phone, cussing to his friends, ignoring the customers. One time this huge guy came in and said, "HEY PUNK! STOP CUSSING IN FRONT OF MY KID BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF," during one of these conversations. Bris got his hours cut for that.

We won't judge him for the fact that he's a heavy drinker and a boneified pot head. He just got out of a community college, so we'd expect that kind of behavior. What I will judge him for is his near pathological lying habits. I have never heard such creations from anyone else's mouth. Let's start off with the fact that he swears up and down that he was at Radio Shack before I was. If that's true, I wonder how I remember clearly his first day? He came in, we were doing inventory, and loveable Bris decided to brag about his previous job at a grocery store. "Check out these mad price gun skills!" We tried to get him to actually put something on the shelf so he'd learn the layout of the store, but apparently he didn't care to learn where anything is. He suffices on BS to this day. "No ma'mm, we don't have that battery, it's manufactured only in China, and apparently we don't have any Radio Shack branches over there. Walmart might have it."

Bris' most infamous tales come in the form of porn-like fantasies. I remember one time that he told me about a trip to the local CD store, "I was driving in my jeep, right? And I had my shirt off because it was so hot, right? And I'm getting out to go inside and get this CD, even though I'll probably get it for free because this girl in there really digs me. Well, this chick comes out and asks me if it's my jeep. And I'm like... heh... yeah, duh. And she's like, 'I'm on break from working at the CD store, can we drive around in it?' And... no lie... she tells me to pull over and she starts giving me a blow job, and I'm like wow. Then I drop her back off and it's like nothing happened."

Everyday he has a different story, about a different girl he's laid, in a different ridiculous situation. The boy has actually told me that a hooker gave him back his money because he was so good. One time he told me about a group of high schoolers that he went out with that took turns giving him head. Another co-worker of mine (whom I believe a little more than Bris) told me that all of them (including this co-worker) went to some place to eat, and the girls ragged on Bris the whole time about how full of crap he is. Bris got mad and left.

Bris has left now, after leaving behind a long trail of stories about where he's going. First he was going to a REAL college, as opposed to a community one (like the past four years), and then he was going to stay in an apartment that's $200 a person (with four people in the room... PLUS utilities). Then he posted his resume on Monster.com, and of course someone sent him some applications because he lied his ass off. He went around telling everyone that he had a few high paying jobs in the bag (they wouldn't send him the application if they weren't going to hire him no matter what... right?), such as "Technical Assitance" dude. You know, the ones you call when your computer doesn't work? Their salary tops around $20,000 a year (at least where he's applying) and he went around saying that he's going to get $40,000... that they'd already told him how much he's worth to them. I guess he just believes himself to be better than anyone else. I'll have MY version of his resume up on Monster.com in a few days, look for a link to it here. (we'll see how many $40,000 job offers he gets)

So I don't know where Bris is now... he said he was going to college, then he wasn't (he was getting a really high paying job instead). Maybe he's off being a master Tae Kwon Do Master, like he claims to be. Maybe he's pumping gas, or whoring himself out or something. The fact is, he's not going to get a job either, so I figure he might be in that dinky little apartment that's $200 a month (each person pays $50, including utilites) and drinking away whatever savings he might have. (He got paid a heck of a lot more than I do because he's full time, even though he does no work.) Maybe he'll show up again in a few days, begging for his job back. I hope not. None of us really liked him... you go to the workbench and you see BRIS SUX scrawled into the surface with a sautering iron, the same thing is written in marker on several papers and schedules. I might miss the wonderful stories about sex with a three-boobed woman riding a unicorn, but I probably won't. GOODBYE BRIS!

"Have a nice life!"