Entry 29: candy
For a long while there was one of those dual candy dispensers in our store, to the right of the door as you entered. It was one of those that offers you a choice for the quarter you sacrifice to its rotary jaw, either four M&M's, or one piece of brick-like bubble-gum. You've seen them everywhere, with a picture of some kid on the front that's been missing for thirty years, and hardened remains of broken candy shells on the interior of the dispensing shoot. The odd thing was that even though it was in our store, it didn't belong to us. The infernal contraption was the property of some woman that asked my boss's permission to use our store for a place to stick the thing. She came by and refilled it from time to time, and, most importantly, she was the one that reaped the rewards of dozens of frivolously spent quarters.

Apparently she ticked my boss off, or he never wanted the damn thing in his store in the first place, so he told her to remove it at some point. She never did. So, much as anyone would do in that situation, we slammed a screwdriver into the lock on the top, with increasingly violent strokes, until it lowered its pickiness as to whether or not we had the proper key. After that you could use a car key, the store key, or a toothpick to get at the rock-hard candy goodness within.

Apparently the woman wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, because we'd suck both sides of her money-maker clear within days after she refilled it, and she'd only find one or two quarters each time in the change box within, left by one of us due to guilt. She just kept pouring in more candy for several months after we started our little theft spree. What was really funny was watching her try to adjust the machine in order to keep it from dispensing so much, seeing as how the conclusion she drew was that the thing was dispensing half of the contents everytime someone inserted one quarter. The settings got so stingy that if an honest person actually did try to get some M&M's, they might get one if they're lucky, and that was after some kicks and choice explicatives.

One day we arrived at work to find that the machine was gone, perhaps due to a wisening of the owner, or maybe due to my boss hauling it to the dump. I'm not sure. We're eating a little bit healthier now though.

Entry 28: California.
Me: "Hello there, can I do anything for you?"

Her: "Uh yeah... no... I don't know... I... uh... *looks around nervously* I got this Caller ID thing, and I... it... batteries.

Me: "...batteries?"

Her: "Don't they... I thought... *looks around* I... I... don't they usually use two 'A' because I have one in California... and... uh... I think three 'A'."

Me: "Right there."

Her: "I uh... I... could you check how many they use... I have one like that... I think there are more than two three 'A's but I'm not sure... I... I... *looks around*"

Me: "Four."

Her: "Oh good... okay, okay. I have a card somewhere... I got it today. *nervous laugh* I... it gives me a discount... batteries... *rifles through purse*"

Me: "It's okay. I'll give you the discount."

Her: "In California I have one that's going to give me free batteries. I have holes punched all around..."

Me: "It will be $4.38. *thinks about how no one has came in with one of those discount cards in half a year*"

Her: "Oh wait, here it is. Let's see here... I get... something for buying batteries..."

Me: "You get 10%. I gave it to you."

Her: "Look! I get 20% if I buy two. It would be smarter for me to buy two wouldn't it? I... I... I think I'll take a pack of two 'A'. Are two 'A's more expensive than three 'A'? I... hmmm... I think I'll take this... I... okay...."

Me: "You know, this expired in January, but I'm going to give it to you anyway, okay? That will be $4.87."

Her: "Really? I just got that today. Isn't that funny? *nervous laugh* Heh. Um... uh.. maybe I should check my one in California, because I have those free batteries, and maybe... um... Oh... okay... um... here's a twenty... I think I have change in here somewhere... um... here's a penny.... hold on, I think i have a five. And then I have this dime... how much am I up to?"

Me: *gives up and watches something on the news about a cat adopting a baby armadillo*

Entry 27: About damn time.
Should you happen to look at the top of the page, on the left-hand side, you might notice something different from the last update on Wednesday. IT'S THE SHACKcam(R)(tm)(c)!!!! About damn time huh? Just clicking on that link should bring you the unending pleasure provided by spying on people unaware, without going to all the trouble of risking arrest and such. It took some work to get the thing working, let me tell you, that MSN DSL internet center will never be the same. But, when you consider what a huge success getting the camera installed is, you don't even notice the busted out light, broken plexi-glass, and "borrowed" cable from the special order shelf.

Seeing as how our connection suffers in the speed categlory, the fact that the feed is being hosted on our box kind of hurts functionability from time to time. But, if you've got a decent connection speed you should be fine, and if you still have a dial-up, just refresh a couple of times. You'll see us sprawled out infront of the surround sound display soon enough.

I've been too engrossed in getting this thing up and running, with ample assistance from rat boy, to even notice the customers. So, you don't get any complaining today. If you want entertainment, go check out the camera. (Assuming you're reading this between 9am-8pm Monday-Saturday.)

Entry 26: Ow.
Okay, as you can see there is no SHACKcam(R)(c)(tm)to be viewed for hours of entertainment. Sorry. The camera belongs to Wandy, and he's going to fix it so that customers can't poke around with the software and such. Customers love to poke around with stuff. Anytime a customer touches a computer in the store, you walk over to find that they tried to install AOL. It seems to be the only thing any of our customers have heard of when it comes to the internet. "Oooh. Lookie here. A computer. I think I'll install that there AOL."

You can possibly hope to see the camera up and running tomorrow, assuming that Wandy comes through. He takes his sweet time about things unless there's a motivating factor. Luckily, while throwing ball-point pens at eachother to pass the time, I was impaled in the arm by one of those flying writing utensils, so I can use guilt as that needed factor. The point on the damn thing was even retracted, it was the plastic part that the tip comes out of that stabbed me, leaving a doughnut-shaped hole that bled forever. We'd be lethal with real throwing knifes.

"Yo' man where'z yaw wire?"

"You mean speaker wire?"

"Yeya man. Hook me up."

"Okay... how long do you need it?"

"Shit man, I don't know. Long."

"...what gauge?"

"Uh... wha?"

"...Here's what we have. 18 gauge is the most common. This roll has sixty feet. Think that will be enough?"

"Shit... wha'z the cheapest?"

"This one's $7.99, but that's not what you go by, you need to get enough to hook up your spea..."

"Dis one'z $7.99?"

"No... that's $8.99 because there's ten more feet."

"NINE BUCKS FOR 10 FEET? DAMN!"

"...*blink*...It's seventy feet."

"So dis one'z the cheapest?"

"No, that one's $8.99. This one's the cheapest."

"So dis one'z eighteen feets?"

"No, it's eighteen gauge, it's sixty feet."

"So diz one's sixteey feet? What bout this?"

"That's the same length."

"... so dis izn't da one I wuz looking at?"

"... ... ... This one's eight, this one's nine. What do you want?"

"So this one's eight right?"

Entry 25: *click*
It seems that almost every other entry has started revolving around my coworker Dilbert, simply because some of the things he does are far more interesting than the derranged lunatics that come in and scream at me. Maybe I've just been desensitised to customer-brand stupidity, so I've begun to find coworker's foibles more entertaining. At any rate, here we go again.

A few weeks ago, as I've mentioned before, Dilbert got Wandy to install an external pair of headlights onto his SUV, for some reason I still cannot ascertain. Why anyone needs four bulbs on the front of their vehicle is beyond me, especially when the extra two are marked as illegal for anything but off-road use. I drove around this area quite well, for months in fact, with only one functional bulb. Maybe he has a really dirt windshield...

Anyway, the other day after work Dilbert decided to get Wandy to install brighter bulbs in the original headlights, so that he can more effectively melt the retinas of the oncoming drivers, I assume. Believe it or not, it was payday. *GASPS FROM THE READING AUDIENCE* Yes, yes, I know. They do all this stuff in the parking lot after store hours, and Wandy told Dilbert he needed more light, so Dilbert willingly wandered back into the store to grab a flashlight off the shelf. Of course, in his starry eyed anticipation of the vehicular brightness to come, he forgot the burglar alarm disarm code, and it went off. That didn't stop Dilbert from getting the flashlight, and adding it to his already substantial debt to the store. Seeing as how we might have been getting robbed blind, a cop had to appear a minimum of ten minutes later, and did. When the copper finally did arrive, he found the alarm still sounding, and Dilbert trying to get Wandy to disarm it.

My manager apparently didn't take too well to the whole incident, just like all of Dilbert's little mishaps. When Dilbert called up to ask if the alarm code was taped under one of the desks, he got hung up on. "I looked under your desk and it wasn't th..." *CLICK* My manager had already been called about three times by the alarm company, a service which bears a $30 price tag. The next day he started talking about getting a series of security cameras that he can access from his home dial-up, so that if he sees something going on that he doesn't like, he can press a button and the cops show up. Dilbert's sitting on his butt too much? *BEEP* He's arrested. He said that a lot of convenience stores around this area use that technology, and if anyone would know, I do believe it would be him.

Seeing as how he was obviously in the right frame of mind, I pushed my webcam idea, and he approved. So, within the next few days you can possibly hope to see the premier of the SHACKcam(tm)(R)(c), adding a nice visual element to my dull descriptions. I bet you can hardly wait!!!!