today was fine. classes trampled their way through the day. somehow depressing. all teachers stepped in pep-talking. our cohort's seemingly the most ignorant, complacent bunch of airheads since nowhere else in history. and that's it. yes.
so. my handphone has officially failed me as a tool of verbal communication. i can't pick up calls. i can't hear anything neither can the other partner. so i can only message. and it's not as if my sms has an instandingly low quota. yeahhh. so. i'm somehow gonna get into deep shit with my bills. imma get a new phone soon. that's if my mom actually allows to fork out a lil. meanwhile. i'll just make do with messages. people. don't call me anymore.
went out with mel yesterday. had a great time. good laughs. and again, chunky potato at olio dome. we emptied our purses yesterday. bought two vcds from hmv. breakfast and tiffany's and hamlet. 9.95 each. weee. how exciting.
so i'm on my focused route (not so focused after all since i'm typing furiously beside my brother for the sake of my blog) to the end of mayor of casterbridge. a novel that's so dense that it saturates my brain cells into lil crystals.
urge+studying(hur)__
monday__14/07/03__20:39

last night, some sort of visitation occurred. third time in my life, second time this year. a certain surge of frustration and anxiety clasping my veins, then fading away but yet revived at the wink of my eyes. so intense, i could hardly breathe. now i sleep in fear of a recurrance. this is my second sleeping disorder. first would be the "hey i'm spiralling down. fuck i can't move. help me" ailment and second, this weird visitation.
in a depressed stretch these few days. started biting my lips again. had decided to quit a few weeks ago. i can't take it anymore. *bites* and every time i do, i taste blood. and somehow. sometimes. i like the taste of it. prolly cuz i think my saliva's sweet. or maybe i'm just a sick piece of shit.
urge+yellingandcryingandcursingthepantsoftheholygodofshit__
friday__11/07/03__20:28

i've finally gotten Adobe Photoshop 7. i'm elated. it's pretty cool. have been meddling with it. now the thing's to learn how to use it with more familiarity than i used to.
so. i haven't touched any homework yet. going to, going to. K has work. i've got two free periods in the morning tomorrow so claudine's essay outlines won't be a problem. i've got to do research on vikings. and prolly do my lit in school tomorrow too. i've got. i think three free periods tomorrow? i'm not sure. vikings, vikings. i shall commence.
urge+literaturing__
thursday__10/07/03__21:32

aching all over. aftermath of the unsuccessful 2.4km run yesterday. ran for 1.2km. three rounds. knocked out. puked my guts out. yes... sourish stuff that has thus made my voice hoarse. choir yesterday didn't help a bit.
so. the after effects have sunken in. my whole body's aching. and the blasting air condition on the bus home didn't help. i felt tight at the throat all day. i felt like puking. no appetite. shit.
flo lost her phone again. school theft. it was a 6610. she always puts her phone in her bag. she left her bag outside the teacher's room. it's lost. yes. someone stole it. the school's incharge-s are apathetic. just not long ago i learnt that a few of the touch rugby girls lost their handphones when they're training too. but no announcement has been made. none at all. the school's prolly too image conscious. things are missing. it's a fact. and the least a school can do is to establish some kind of moral authority. and even that they're not doing. i'm greatly irked and dissatisfied. really. and it's not the first time that things have been lost. people stole my tys. how desperate's that. see. it's a lack of respect here aight. and we're a christian school. to hell, all sons of theft. it's troubling. yuck. so much for being a christian college. the image consciousness and the unreasonable stances and action they take is irritating me increasingly. yuck.
we saw the new history teacher. i think he's quite alright. better than others. he's quite corny. but. i don't know. it's only the first lecture. yeah.
so i'm feeling sick. the aches are turning into a flu. weee. i'm not so strong after all. yes.
urge+getwell__
thursday__10/07/03

i realised the day's longer than the night these days. bad phrasing for a sentence. anyway. yes. it's seven plus and the sun's still hanging in the sky. surely drooping though. but it's considerably bright for a time like this.
good news. i got 15/25 for my practical criticism section for my lit. it's a cause for joy. i don't care about my heaney and eliot (which i have so darned screwed). i improved for my prac crit! weee. the highest in the cohort, and in class alike, is 16. weee. yesyesyes. and the good thing's that i knew what gave me a 15. i know what i left out. renewed confidence in prose pc. i thought i could only do poetry. i'm pleased to learn otherwise.
but flo and pras didn't do as well. i bought flo chocolate to boost her up a lil. *hugs*
i went to this blogsite. she's from my school. her english is horrendous. ie. worse than mine. mine's already a garbled mess. her blog's filled with singlish, grammatical errors that stared right into my face (like trying finding out or finded it) and mis-spelt words littering the sentences into rubbish dumps. i'm sorry for being such critical, mean even. but it really succeeded in making myself feel so good in language - only comparatively. and if i fail gp, i wonder what she gets. oh. shit. don't remind me.
gp's starting on politics. which is really fun. it's so "history" and every bit of it makes me hold on to the remnants of chong's eloquence even tighter. she's just so cool. anyway. i've got no idea how our new teacher looks like yet. he's jonathon something. he's an ex-saint. i've got a feeling i've seen him around (noticing young teachers, prolly due to the influx). he should be pretty nice. he was a mentor. i no longer have that insecure, "i'm so freaking going to fail history" feeling anymore. oh. and SHE's been a bitch. really. SHE's gloating over her new found status in the department. it's sick.
notice i changed the scroll bar colour? cool eh. hah.
urge+eating__
wednesday__09/07/03__19:23

i'm being screwed by my mom. two things. an unwiped stove and a tefal flask that i did not unplug from the mains. she said i'm not supposed to pour hot water (to make milo whatsoever) over at the counter top cuz the flow of the water into the mug will splash milo outta the mug itself with the contact of the water with the milo powder and the half-done milo in the half-filled mug. don't get it? it's alright. i don't either.
so today. another blank. whoopee. supposed to go ktving with my girly girls but. decided not too. felt bloated. and my eye's swollen. mascara gone wrong? unlikely. maybe it was the lash architect shit. made unto thyself. speechless.
tomorrow. school's there. getting back my block test papers. it's wicked that there ain't gp tomorrow. yeay.
urge+bathing__
monday__07/07/03__21:33

saturday was nothing except a dinner buffet at mariott and coffee at swissotel. had peanut butter smoothie that tasted like shit. yes.
today was much more, interesting. went out with a whole lot of #novelists folks. it was fun. really. i drenched jon's last fag in the iced water to stop him from smoking. rei got me a rose for my belated birthday present. i went back afterwards. and after such a long while, i finally got to eat my 3-in-1 riceball from Mr Bean. yeay. happy and all.
btw, flo lost her hp. it's crap i tell ya. we didn't even know when she lost it. i was with her the whole time and me having lost two handphones before this one i'm holding, can feel her pain and despair. the loss of phonebook. data. what not. i hope the person who stole the phone meets really bad people who'll pickpocket him/her to poverty.
happy. yes. i am.
urge+chatting__
sunday__06/07/03__23:26

because people listen to the voice in their heads when they read. that's why people write. yes.
came across some stuff. that i never knew about people. loads of sad stories. in poetry and blogs alike. and when i felt so trashed that i went on to write poetry, i realised the possibilities the courage brought forth to you by a certain sense of carelessness or fearlessness in loss is such numerous. my perked up mood has been smoothen out to a mellow one. and i realised the age of 14-16 was a rough ride for me. and that reminds me of a condom called rough rider but that's besides the point. hur. and when i felt so crapped up, biting my fingers cuz when i'm being slashed within; my teeth needed something to grit on. and it still happens now. i get so frustrated, i start to tremble. but after so long, i've found a way to clear the mess up. everytime i feel like killing someone around me who has hurt me, i meander my thoughts away from reality. and it fades a little. i distract myself. paint some nails, scribble some signatures on a blank sheet of paper. some people don't realise what people are going through cuz they presume everyone has the capacity they have. and it's bad. not everyone's strong. people do crumble. and they're prolly the people who take YOUR words seriously ironically. mom are you hearing this? or brother? or martin? or anyone so close to me, they jab me defenceless. and i guess. delusion is a great way of pulling yourself outta shit. when you weep never ending at night for a reason you can't quite carve out but it's just this wrench within you that's squeezing those tears outta you. "no one loves me. no one does. no one ever gives a fuck. what's wrong with me. i don't know." variations of paraphrasings stuff your brain to a dense can of ill thoughts. imagine. 27 for sec three end years. 32 for mid years sec four. everyone thought you'd just fail. people tell you you're such a loser. tell you. it's your own fault. tell you. stop studying. work. pulling your hair, slapping you in the face, calling you a whore, telling you to die. 13 for o-levels. "oh i thought you could do better." yes. i know. i could. but i didn't. do you think i give a fuck? alleluia, i'm still alive. i had a boyfriend. i'm so single-phobic? everytime i'm single, the probability of me fadng's escalated. even if they don't love me, i thought someone considered me every now and then. and when they break up with me, the cycle gains it's momentum. it's like. a cut on an open wound. it's slowly healing. and before it does, someone messes it up again. it hasn't been always that i had friends like. ling and flo and juls. i mean. flo and juls are new. ling was sorta. she was... ok. she didn't really like me. some reason too complicated to explain now. but we're closer now. so. life's sorta better. i've got some semblance of true relationships in my life. but then. i'm still a. second. like i've always been. like. no one ever listens to me. my voice is always drowned by everyone. in school, at home. everywhere. no one respects me, i feel at times. especially at home. they think i'm immature and. everything negative. no brain capacity to make wise decisions. his views are applauded. mine are challenged. even if we meant the same thing. i don't see why. and i don't see why i give a fuck. but i can't put it behind my brain. it's like a clot. it aches and pounds.
but the difference is that. i had no courage to cut myself. at least. to cut myself alot. i bite more often than not. my lip's messed up inside. hah.
sometimes people need a break. give it to them, before they decide to break the need.

so. we had steamboat buffet with beatrice at marina south. mr pe-ong was there. it was considerably good fun. but for some strange reason, my inner eyelid's hurting. something seems to be growing there. gossssh. but before the dinner thing, i met flo earlier at orchard.
we bought miss chong a necklace and a card. the necklace was so pretty! and i bought a pair of dangling earrings conveniently. later, i bought a green green wifebeater. weee. it's so weird. i never wore green. but it looked pretty cool. hah. flo wanted to try them but it was kinda weird.
for some strange reason, orchard yesterday was saturated with cute-looking caucasians. making me wonder how easy it is for an angmor to look cute like anything. really. i think chinese features are those than need intricate ensembling to look good. some people can have all the nice features and look, weird. for the caucasians, the nose is a given. eyes, deepset blue? (i like green eyes better. haha) it's just so easy to alter stuff with makeup for them. prolly cuz asian features are of a greater variety? *shrugs*
so today will be dinner at mariott. got an urge to head down earlier and walk around kino. realised i've got some assignments to do. prolly doing them on monday. and the new webpage layout thing, i'll just postpone it. this one's still pretty aight, i feel. ha! happy holidays everyone. currently reading Man or Mouse the author's really cute though. but he's married. hah.
i took a card print thingie with flo! it's so pretty! we're both wearing white and we smiled a really clean and youthful smile! haha! i love ya darls!
urge+reading__
saturday__05/07/03__

so. i finished Breakfast at Tiffany's. it's such a sweet story. and i realised i do read really slow. a few hours for a hundred-page short story. hmmm.
so today was just simply staying at home, dozing. nothing much to do actually. i'm alone at home now. hmmm. bored. alil.
and tomorrow miss chong will be having dinner with us at marina south. i'll be meeting flo earlier to get her a card or something. prassie is not going. have some plans so he called it. i wonder what... hmmm.
i've got a feeling i'm gonna postpone the gay-clubbing further. i don't know. monday's my 4/2girl's day. sunday... going out with rei&co. and. i'll be having dinner one of these days cuz it's my cousin's birthday. i don't know. everything's so scattered and unconfirmed at the same time. weee.
i'm gonna finish the other short stories by truman capote. he's such a lovely writer. but the references he makes, i do not understand. and the load of french in BAT is overwhelming; the meaning i deduced from further reading in the novel. Holiday Golightly, Travelling:
urge+talking__
thursday__03/07/03__20:28

i need a personal com. yes. i have this brainless dick who doesn't know a fuck about respect.

THE EXAMS ARE FREAKING OVER!
i've finally finished dying my four deaths. funeral's next week so i shall leave my sorrows, melancholy, all that tears and soap opera to next week. from today till monday, which is youth day, incidentally my last, i shall NOT do anything academic. maybe i'll compromise for claudine's lit cuz there's chaucer translation to finish but till then, i'm off worries.
i realised the futility of my situation. it's eight weeks from prelims and i have no idea what the complete syllabus is like yet. what i do know is that, i'm not going to do well for history. and lit. and econs. and gp. wow. do i even do well in anything?
i was particularly irritated by this girl who wanted to tag along me and flo to jp. it's terrible. i've never had a strong inclination towards her and when it was the first outta a long time that i have since gone out with flo, she had to come along. and her existence always roused up debates. she was a smart alec. she's overly confident of herself. hmmm. just uncomfortable with that. grrr. and jennyfer's clothes suck. the irritating girl redeemed herself by lending me her Order of the Phoenix. weee.
i borrowed two books from the library. so i have three books to read. it's cool i tell you. Breakfast at Tiffany's and some contemporary novel that talks about the discrepancy between reality and the online cyberworld. it's quite cool. breakfast at tiffany's something that i was always so intrigued by. audrey hepburn starred in a silverscreen version of it. yeay. it's exciting. it's a short story. yeay. i'm finishing it tonight, i swear. hahaha. aight.
urge+reading__
wednesday__10/07/03__23:21

You represent... loneliness. Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
got this quiz from rei. hmmm. it fits me pretty well.

econs. die. have you ever heard of the multiplier effect helping to increase the equilibrium of national income? yes. you get what i mean now. i've got a feeling i'll die four times this week because, i've got four papers.
so. two more papers to go. gotta revise nationalism. i was scheming through united nations thingie this afternoon. nothing much went in. i took a bus home with prasad. which was pretty funny. hah. we crapped so much and after an hour of meandering around lands of nowhere, we finally decided to head to a gay club this weekend after all. plan resumed. hmmmm.
had consultation for lit today and it was sooo weird. we all were simply put outta place by the "newness" of this text to us. we wanted to ask... "how exactly do we write an essay?" but of course we didn't. it was a dumb thing to ask. we're supposed to know. but she seemed to have this... knowledge in her that. we have no clue how to structure the essay or anything like that. she was great help.
so most prolly not gonna do anything tonight besides reading silas. shall revise nationalism on the way to school tomorrow. calm down jo.
urge+reading__
tuesday__01/07/03__21:08

i'm feeling dehydrated from all that coffee i took just now. i managed to scheme through my econs notes. i didn't study in detail. i just finished it and i feel so drained. just now. when i was halfway through, i was on the verge of a breakdown. it felt terrible. i wiped my tears and continued studying. there are concepts that i do not understand and it felt as if i was just going through familiar words phrased in sentences with meanings i don't understand or i'm too irritated to decipher. i've forgotten a lashing of 70%. i feel really guilty but i am telling myself to stop. i'm too lazy to go on further. i shall see what i can do tomorrow. i suddenly feel too weak for As even. everyone seems to be so geared and clear about their work. i'm all muddled in the murk. this is the time i fold in and decay within me. the time i'll start weeping in the night cuz i simply don't know anything. what perfects this agony is my reluctance catalyzed by my innate laziness. weee. i'm so full of shit. i'm turning in. g'nighters.
urge+sleeping__
tuesday__03/07/03__12:35

since secondary three. i wanted to get into a band. and sing... that is. slipped in and out of phases whereby one minute i'd think my voice is pretty aight and the other, that i sound like shit. apparently, all my friends have bands already. and have no lack of vocalists. i don't play anything. so my presence might well nigh be redundant. fact still is. that i really wish i could get into a band. notch up the bass and sing jazzy tunes, whack the drums to do punk (or even metal. but that, the person would have to invest in drum sticks more often. and pluck the guitar for some indie shit. that's fun. but my desire was taken over by the formation of my acappella group. which has since stagnated. better off unstarted. and the linchpin of our group has left us. we're a three female acappella group. what shit. so i've totally screwed that idea of singing acappella. or maybe not. hmmm. i just wanna sing.
so any kind soul out there. interested to urm. making music to be termed nicely, i wanna tag alonggggg. haha. acappella, jazz or loud shit. i just wanna sing. remember remember. ahhhhh.
urge+singing(and i am... laaa)__
monday__02/07/03__17:52

i refer to this noon's gp paper as a metaphorical death. i went on around saying "die" to all my friends and my friend asked me. "is that hello in another language?" haha. i have fallen from grace. a plummet, to the abyss of failure... I'M GONNA FREAKING FAIL GP.
and i didn't bring my blue sars declaration form today. weee. almost got screwed. but my civics tutor just threw a "you're always like that one what." at my face. consultation for seamus heaney at 4.30pm tomorrow in school. what am i gonna freaking do for almost five hours!
and tomorrow's econs. i hope i can pass. i wanna get a three A level pass. yeay. i hope i do. like. D D E or something. but lit is a pure gamble. seamus is a new one for us. yikes. i have yet to study econs. starting at six. and it's five now. weee.
my school has this new japanese food stall. quite cool eh? but it means that my chee cheong fun uncle's gone. he left without a word. what's wrong with him. i was a huge fan for the chee cheong fun and tao suan they sold. how can they do this to me... fact is they can. they have.
i realised i can't write for shit on paper. really. i can't write essays out anymore. the detriments of technology. i've been writing so much on the computer, my brain fails to work with my hands to grip a pen. prolly really gonna fail gp. i answered a question about. "Science is a religion unto itself." Comment. sounds juicy. i think i had relevant points but linkage and presentation was bad. so... die. and for the compre. i left a few questions out. yes. A FEW QUESTIONS. not as if there were a hundred questions in the first place and that the questions i answered had perfect scores. so. yes. bless me. maybe i should get some british council help. weee.
i took the NEL home today. was so tempted to get this dao huay and tang yuan combo from mr soyabean. lol. but the queue was long. my mouth felt dry. my temperature shot. i came home after all.
"All creations has God's autograph." pardon my vain attempt to quote. i paraphrase. i felt like laughing. it was at St Anne's church. haha. the things people say...
urge+sleeping__
monday__30/06/03__17:14

fact is that. i stoned my friday away. heading down to compasspoint. i have no desire to study. i feel like crying. *smacks me in the head.

there was a particularly irritating person on irc. he just shows his youth off too much. yuck.

it's ceyu's birthday today... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! we used to have this summerborne thingie. it's rather interesting. the clique consisted of 3 june babies. so that's what we decided to call ourselves, or rather, what i decided to call ourselves. we were in primary school. those were the days aight!
and ceyu told me last night that she was jealous in primary school cuz she treated me as a best friend and when other classmates took my attention, she'd get jealous. i was so touched. cuz i really treated her as my best friend. but the other classmates took her time too. and sometime we drifted apart. our quarrels were never longer than 15 minutes. she's such a sweetie! i called her last night. and we had a good chat. how interesting. when i was in primary school, i was insecure, like now. i'd be really petty about friendship. i feared losing friends cuz i had so little. ahhh. i'm so touched ceyu... i'm so touched...

martin, my secondary three onwards best friend is now... my... urh. acquaintance. everyone changes. and like two spheres spinning away from each other, it takes half the time if only one did. ya know. argh.
urge+starbucksing__
saturday__28/06/03__13:57

i've suddenly forgot what costs of production is about. yikes. i'm paranoid now. very. help me. my notes are all over the place and someone bloody stole my ten years series. i'm crying. shit.

i realised colin farrel swears a hell lot. the interviews and the mtv movie awards. he's so freaking cute. he has a tattoo on his arm. so cool. he's so cute. and his hairstyle has added him to my list of mark mcgrath and the crazytown frontman. spot the similiarity? chunked spikes baby!

i realised that my previous entry was messy like nothing. it's a given that i fail gp. yikes.

i'm falling sick. shit. i took my temperature, i'm alright. i read this rj girl's blog. she's "purpleprose" too. and, frankly, from her blog... i don't really like her. muaha. like she cares or anyone would? she throws her language around. too dense for a blog ain't it? but. it's her personal space. so... do as we please, shall we? i love reading american blogs. though english is like their first, second and last language, they don't speak bombastic english that awes you to a dislocated jaw. muaha. i like blogs that read as if they're talking. weee.

so here i am, procrastinating. starting after lunch and hopefully, my sickish feeling will fade away. i downed a glass of water with two panadol flu stuff. i love em i tell you. i lived by them in secondary four. my 'O's year was a screwed up year for my health. right. i feel like a happy little girl now. it's evil. but i'm enjoying the one-to-one attention my mom's giving me after the tiff with my brother. i mean. she's essentially quite a conversational person. just have to bear with her tyrannical rhetorics and. what not. my family's a bunch of good people. just too, different to live together harmoniously. we're not a family sitcom.

did i tell ya guys? on my birthday, i held my dad's hand. after so long. i used to when i was a puney little cute kid. muaha. i felt like crying. it was rather overwhelming. and it felt good. i lost it after primary school, that kinda feeling. and i feel as if i'm going back to secondary one and rekindling all the lost feelings since my pseudo-independence. i really feel empty like a dead snail shell. it's the best image i can think of here. haha. aight. i'm happy. get off me you stupid flu!

urge+webpagemaking__
thursday__26/06/03__13:42

my brother just dropped my discman and it broke into two. i was holding on to his sony one and i just gave it back to him. told him to use his freaking MD player for god's freaking sake. my mom was actually pestering him to drink some soup she's made almost especially for him (she made it earlier to let him drink it before he stepped out) while she was on the phone. my brother was rushing and thus, dropped my discman. you know... if it were me, i'd just have taken the soup and took a cab over, sponsored by my mom. now my mom's lamenting about him to my cousin. hah. you know... my brother's always the one who's more, pampered. as in. he takes trips from my dad's van and stuff. i'm always the one who wakes up earlier to take my own transportation. i realise... i've always been the more independent one. independent physically but my emo's pretty screwed up. i think my brother's the other way round. i feel that. there are many things i do on my own, and i do quietly. like. registering for exams and whatsoever. ooo. now they're talking about how my brother's selfishness and lack of communication has made him girlfriend-less. i don't blame the both of them cuz. i've been through the shit that my mom has put me through. and since secondary four, my friend wrote in my autography book that. the most important thing to do is to appease your mom. hah. i was in shit with my mom in secondary school. i took her comments seriously. i took her scoldings to heart. now... i'm just. numb. and things she says don't matter as much as they did. my dad and brother can sure make me cry. and sometimes i cry for no reason. and i still think life's unfair. but it doesn't make me unhappy.

and the fact is that. though my brother's more introverted and stuff, and i'm the more extroverted one, my social relations aren't that great either. as in. i don't know. my classmates are so distant and mildly hostile even. yeah. but still. i've got a couple of people who appreciate my existence. and they're surprisingly, the people i don't make great efforts to befriend or anything. realised that... fussing myself over friends don't work. cuz they'll prolly feel weird about it too. that's what i think. i think. haha.

i guess my brother's still (woah. i've move away from the topic) a little too fake. as in. he tries to be extroverted but it isn't him. i'm not extroverted either. i just talk more... right? hah. maybe it's my split personality? woah. i'm making myself sound so special, dysfunct and all. hah. i think my mom's hurt by what my brother said too. like come on. she dotes on him. and made the soup especially for him. and. you know how that feels? i've gotten that so very often. i know how unreciprocation feels. i remember good things that people do for me cuz i've been so neglected for so long. right.

and i realise, after typing this whole load of i don't know what, my heart feels a little cold. *clutches my heart warm my heart somebody!
urge+eating__
thursday__26/06/03__13:00

i got down to ling's today and got this full stack of econs notes. woah. i had to take a cab back. a cool day today, all rainy.

TODAY'S REI'S BIG DAY! hah! i called her at 00:00. hmmm. and after reading her blog, i realised she's looking for a lomo too. weee. we're so insync! lol.

i didn't study much today at her place. like six pages of econs? gotta mug later tonight. no no no phonecalls. and i have to paint my nails again. and i feel like shopping for more cosmetics... and and. i don't want school. and, paranoia is sinking in. and i feel like a loser behind schedule now. and. hah. so... the plan will be...
wednesday: 8-11.30 Market Structure and Y and N.
thursday: Y and N and Protectionism.
friday: UN
saturday: Econs
sunday: Lit
monday: Econs
tuesday: Lit and History
the end. ;)
urge+bathing__
wednesday__25/06/03__18:54

You'll Fall in Love With A Gemini!

Party animal Gemini is a major flirt, and you'll have no trouble spotting one.
Your Gemini loves to party and have a good time, even if it's 8AM!
Simply flirt along with a Gemini you're attracted to, and you have it made... at least for a while.

Just don't think you'll get your Gemini to stop flirting!
Even if your Gemini falls in love with you and loves you to the end of time, he / she will love to flirt!
It is just part of the Gemini nature and does not have anything to do with you.

Once you've got a Gemini in your arms, be gentle and understanding.
Their extrovert personality can wear them out and need post party down time.
Not a bad deal, right? Especially considering "down time" is in bed!

What Sign Should Your Lover Be?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Your Guy is Prince Charming!

The man for you is Prince Charming.
You need a sensitive, romantic man who will understand and listen.
You enter into relationships for love and need a committed man who will provide plenty of love and security.

What Guy is Perfect for *You*?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You Are A Juicy Kisser!

About Your Kissing Style:

Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.
You are the perfect - with the right combo of lips and tongue.
It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!

What Your Kissing Style Says About You:

You're 100% hot, and you know it. You're all about being sexy, all the time.
You have no trouble scoring dates or kisses ...
Just trouble getting rid of jealous people trying to show you up!
You attract attention from every hot guy and girl... even before you show off your kissing skills.

Your Personal Kissing Matches and Mismatches:

Go out with another Juicy Kisser and you'll be the power couple of the party. Sure, you'll have a ton of hot kisses, but only after everyone there has checked you guys out. Hook it up with a Romantic Kisser and you may have found your soulmate. Romantic Kissers will be attracted to your appeal, and you'll appreciate their loyalty.

Keep away from Carnal Kissers! They'll just try to play you for sex, and ruin your reputation in a heartbeat. And Freaky Kissers are way too wild and rough for your style. You prefer pleasure to pain, thank you very much.

How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Which VW Are You?
by Auto Glass America

i finally, finally, finally! finished nationalism. weee. i'll do it for the second time before the exams. i was 26 minutes behind schedule. it's aight. i'll start on united nations at ten thirty. three minutes to spare. that's like. so much time? haha.

my brother's friends are over. a really familiar face (i've seen him around since i was in primary school) and a newcomer which i find no justified reason to know his name. i'm starting to be able to focus better. the momentum is on. mom just made me coffee with the cloth sock. it's cool. it tastes so much like home. they're more empathetic towards my test period and me. i'm getting way stressed up. i'm getting paranoid. good lord jc only has three 'A's. they're already more than i can take. gee...

so it's pretty nice. it feels nice. i did some tests on quizdiva just now. weee. haha. the test results are such sleazy that i'm hesitant to post em up. muahaha. check the tests out if you're game.
urge+studying__
tuesday__24/06/03__22:32

i did a few tests. hmmm.

You Should Star in Cumshot Porn!

He said it was good for your skin.
Well, he lied.

What Porn Should *You* Star In?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You Are Very Horny

Your sex drive catchs you in a trap!

You want to be sensible and sexy, but it's hard to be both!

You are a horny chick riding on a derailed speeding train.

Chances are your body will win out over your mind, and you'll let your sexual spirit free.

Sure your sexuality has caused a bit of drama, but what's live without the drama?

You have come a long way, though, and it never hurts to travel a bit more!

How Horny Are You?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

You Are A Lip Piercing

In your face punk, and borderline angsty.
You wouldn't be caught dead at a corporate job.
But you can be found at Tower Records.
You rate your friends by how hardcore their piercings and tattoos are.

What Piercing Are *You*?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Being Multi-Orgasmic!

Whether you're on your back or on your knees,
You'll get off as often as you please.
While some may have few and few may have some.
You're the one who always can cum.

What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

I'll be damned. You ARE bisexual AFTER all!

You sees "31 Flavors" as the ideal place to work.
You can get unequivocally turned on by eating Cheese 'n Crackers -
taking the little sticks from the wrapper and sliding them into the cheese.
You are definitely a sexual glutton, taking as much as you can ;)

Are *You* Bisexual? Click Here to Find Out!
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

don't get offended by the following material if you can be. i'm sorry! it's just plain fun. ;)

You Are Vaginal Sex!

Traditional, romantic, and very vanilla.

Otherwise known as:

Driving the beef bus to tuna town
Making the beast with two backs
A bit of the old in and out
Giving the monkey a banana
Riding the baloney pony
Vaginal bungee jumping
Carnal gymnastics
Knockin' boots
Shagging

What Type of Sex Are You?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

yeay. my brother's out for lunch. gotta start studying at one. i'll go all da way till seven! and start at eight to eleven. NATIONALISM! yeay! i'll be going over to ling's to get my econs done.

last night was bad. my mood for studying was smashed by that twert. and i really felt like killing him. red scissors buried into his chest. or better, i'll just slit my wrist before everyone, lachrymose visnomy. the clip was playing in my head again and again. i was holding on to my notes real tight. i cried. i've been reduced to this weak little teenager (so what if i'm eighteen.). i tried to get some sleep after. pictures were running through my head and "what if-s" were surfacing prodigiously. i kept tearing. why's it that people can be so pretty and rich, getting all the good people around them, so emotionally free of burden and shit. i was trying to look at the other end of the spectrum and i fell asleep. elusion, elusion.
ear feast: Nulla in Mundo Pax Sincera (Vivaldi) - David Hirschfelder
urge+studying__
tuesday__24/06/03__12:54

my brother came into my room yesterday while i was trying to read up on burmese nationalism and started yelling at me. i didn't bring his favourite cup out after use. i didn't get his trainers outside for the sun. he stepped on my pillows as he was trying to get the cup (yes. my beds are on the floor). i swear to god i felt like killing him. i'm gone.
tuesday__24/06/03__11:57

i AM freaking bored. prrrf.

try this out!

i just did french manicure for myself! weee!

i just took a bath. have my hair clipped up with four clips, all pink, and looking like the twert of the year. and... where the hell's my nerd specs?... hmmm.

i am, rather quietly, happy now. cuz i've finally thought of a layout for my page. and after view-sourcing many pages, i've sorta gotten a grip on webpage stuff. i wanna do something different to my new page. i really wanna place it at the back of my head till after block tests but i can't. it just surfacing. i really want a new page so bad. maybe i should have studied multi-media to get a diploma and do webbie designing for the good rest of my life. will i get tired of that? i don't know. it's a rather fun thought. it might just replace my aspiration to be a fashion designer simply cuz the latter's just too far away from me at this present moment. i like to visualise my ideas. like how webpages can. have i chosen the wrong path? but as my mom always says. you can do designing after junior college. but can you do junior college after designing? it all boils down to one point. the education system sucks. period. and when many people would say "screw everyone else. do what you want.", frankly, i've got no desire to work my ass off paying school fees and bills cuz i've totally ruined relations with my family. come to think about it. junior college ain't that bad. literature is one thing i couldn't have known about as much if i'd done designing. and as some jerk called me cowardice and unable to move out of the safety-net, i'd say, it's not as if i hadn't learnt or earned anything from junior college life. and one big big big big thing. maybe i am a wimp. cuz jc is the only choice i won't regret cuz i didn't go against the flow, be different or whatever. and another thing that's really important to my emotional health. my standing in the family. if i had gone to a poly or design school, i can forget about speaking up. yeah. and i'd have suffered in a design school cuz i'd have felt rejected and abandoned.

woah. i could actually fit this into context. quite cool eh?

i've got this intense desire for some nationalism in south east asia now. weee. see how delusion works wonders.

and if you feel that life's a bitch and it keeps biting at you... you are not lying to yourself enough.

i love this phrase. elusions becomes illusions and we'll all be fascinated by it like david copperfield. cheesy eh? i thought of it myself. hurhur...

my friend just told me a fortune teller said he'll die at twenty-five. he's such a cutie. please don't do that to him.

and my female friend told me she's in this relationship with a guy but they're totally, status-less. they're not into bgr but they're together. i can't take that. i'm a vulnerable wimp. muaha.

AND JUVY IS ON FHM SINGAPORE! i know her! she's my friend, ex-schoolmate. so cool. she looks sooooooo sexy in the mag! woah. i'm so proud of her. and. she's taking fashion design now, which a shop at bugis street. like wow. i really wanna do what she's doing... fashion side come on. modeling? unless they have like FOR HER MAGAZINE which showcases ugly girls to comfort those average looking sweeties, telling them that there are worse out there. right. haha! see. i've got a self-esteem problem here.

so these are some stuff on my mind now. and block tests. yes. i'll try... and try... and try... i wanna get at least three A and two AO passes dude! which means. passing everything i'm taking now. woah. like. that's so easy. i wanna get at least a D for these tests. pleaseeeeeeeeeee? god blessed me to have an A1 in chinese AO. i'm safe on that AO pass. muahaha. life's good. i love ya lifey!
urge+studying__
monday__23/06/03__18:29

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Moderate
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

You said: You are 18 years old, and in 10 year(s) you will start investing about $5,000 per year at 10% interest.
Based on this information....
You will be 57 years old when you make your first million dollars!
Note: This test does not correct for inflation, so you should know that a million dollars 39 years from now will be worth less than a million dollars today. But still, you will be a millionaire!

You said: You are going to invest about $10,000 per year for 35 years at 10% interest.
Based on this information....
In 35 years you will have $1,412,265.50! $1,062,265.32 of that will be pure profit made off of the interest!
These results are in today's dollars. In other words, they are corrected for inflation. The actual dollar amount you will have in 35 years is $3,973,918.83, in case you were curious.

now now. what?!

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

i saw it in rei's blog. so i took it. (i love taking quizzes as you can see...) yeah. it's weird. what's the difference between the two tests? i have three answers switched around for the second cuz i thought both worked. yeah. so i'm a sinner. i'm VERY lustful. woah. like i don't already know that. muahaha. but for the violence thingie. it's weird. i thought i didn't change the answers for the violence part. and yes. i agree. the voice in my head is a malicious bitch who cat-fights and strips every slut that comes along but, realistically. i'm a pretty nice person. i'll skin you if you don't agree. oops. but one thing. I'M NOT TREACHEROUS! yeay. cool right? lol. yes. give it a try if you've got the time.

hey sucker! bring it on! *sneer
::MONDAY:: econs. market structure, income and employment.
::TUESDAY:: econs. income and employment, terms of trade.
::WEDNESDAY:: history. nationalism. singapore and south-east asia.
::THURSDAY:: history. united nations.
::FRIDAY:: lit. death of the naturalist, silas marner.
::SATURDAY:: history. end of the cold war. econs. market structure.
::SUNDAY:: lit.
::MONDAY:: econs.
::TUESDAY:: lit and history.
weee. exams end on wednesday. it's gonna be party time! yeay!
urge+bathing__
sunday__22/06/03__22:18

What's your usual [mood]?

Are You Naughty or Nice?

Which [Movie Genres] are you?

Which [Smallville] Characters are you?

Is the glass half full or half empty?

Which [Finding Nemo] characters are you?

was trying on my wifebeaters today and i figured i should put a pin at the hem. it looks cool now. i'm gonna get more of em.

today was nothing. literally. rei asked me to study at the beach... WHAT?! haha. Ronin's playing at seven at suntec fountain today. i'm obviously not there. yeah. they've been pretty active these days.

i realised i can sing christina aguilera's the voice within and beautiful! urh. as in. the range is right. not as if i sing well. choir's nothing about pop-steration.

right. so i shall start studying soon. i took a sandwich today and that's all i've had. yeay. i feel proud of myself. the sandwich had tomatoes, salmon spread... and it's wholemeal. oh. and cheese. how balanced. *smile

new poem done. click here

my brother only told me today that we've got adboe photoshop on the com. urgh.
urge+headbanging__
saturday__21/06/03__19:13

prac crit today was comforting for the simple fact that - i completed the essay. i've always been undermined by the lack of time management and this time round, i was pretty paced. i don't care whether i got the theme or subject matter or the narrative and stylistic features correct. i finished it. i said what i wanted to. and i'm happy with that. it was a nice piece. flo and i agreed that anything that doesn't have to do with nature is good. yes. good.

ended up having lunch with flo's parents. i took the north-east line mrt. it's quite cool. the train feels as if it's floating. hah. flo was getting sick from it. we shopped at compasspoint, which i realised is also, sengkang square, and i bought pens for the upcoming exams! (what great preparation.) yeah. flo looks like her dad. oh and before that was history lecture which i only realised this morning. thank god i had nothing on. she's leaving. ahhh. before the history tutorial, we went starbucks and in order to use the $1 off coupon, we ordered grande drinks and we felt like puking. yeah. was there with mari and edwin. talked about ns.
oh by the way. i was excited to see that the mrt fare was 40cents! i heard it on tv that they'll have a 10cents rebate. so the fare is 50cents? guess so.

and by the way, i went out with darren last evening. why wasn't bobby there! met two of his bandmates. now... the drummer is the only one i not know. and darren says he's eccentric. hmmm. and anyway.

i wanna get adobe. gonna hunt for the cd key or something online. hah. aight then. i shall go occupy myself with idleness. writing a poem. hee.
urge+sleeping__
friday__20/06/03__16:54

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i'm eighteen. i was elated when i got a couple of messages sent to me last midnight. it was. nice. last year, i cried cuz no one bothered to message me. classmates hugged. and i met up with the 4/2 girls. oh. 4/2's my class in anderson. so yeah. we had a great time. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

darn it. after this upload, my pbase is full. gotta get another one done. but still. click on pbase to check out the newest pics taken today!
pbase
we went wheelock nydc. shopped for a while. oh by the way. i bought four tops, three slippers, one pot of lip balm, one stick of lipgloss, two bottles of body shop oceanus spray... and... i guess that's all. it's so cool. i spent less that 130bucks. not too bad for such a spree eh?
i'm happy. yeay.
prac crit exam tomorrow at nine. yikes.
urge+sleeping__
thursday__20/06/03__01:53

i'm listening to clay aiken's rendition of open arms. i'm feeling all chummy now. a lovey dovey mood here. my mind is staging a play of "what i want in a guy".
"people seldom know what they want" i qoute loosely from 'bruce almighty'.
i've always wanted a guy, english speaking, smart. he doesn't even have to be a looker. my criteria for a cute guy is so simple, more than fifty percent of the men out there look cute to me. i hate gorgeous men. yes. someone who's sharp enough to talk from politicians to poets without being a smart alec. someone who can at least be of the same height as me when i wear heels. i'm only 162cm tall damn it. and someone funny enough not to be corny. anyone out there like that?
guys who are attracted to me, who want me enough to go after me, are all. they aren't like that. i've gone through bad experiences with men. when i like em, they are either unavailable or out for a fling. are all poets like that or something? god.

emma bunton and jewel kilcher have lost so much weight, they look so good now! i feel like crap. i read an article today that may phua and beatrice chia had gone through anorexia before now. i wanna lose weight. and i just ate a sandwich for breakfast and cereals for lunch. shit.

i need to feel good about myself. fix this self-esteem problem someone!
urge+losingweight__
wednesday__18/06/03__16:59

"I understand now why all my other relationships never lasted. It was always for some reason, something missing. Something that was mandatory and important in my kind of relationship. I wanted to be able to understand the person and make sure that person understood me. I wanted someone who'd talk to me, intelligent conversations. Philosophic even. Not someone whose... mind comprised of things so juvenile and childish that it just turns me off. Yet, at the same time, I didn't want someone who'd bombard me with his amazing intelligence that it'd smother me and turn me into an insignificant piece of slush."
taken from www.blurty.com/~emilystrange
i totally agree with rei! oh god. the likeness of thoughts is really... shocking. it's exactly how i feel. we share so many thoughts that. aight. just say. i'm so glad i've got someone that i can share my thoughts with now!

made sandwiches today. i'm on the grand plan to lose weight. it won't work, most prolly. i'm going nydc tomorrow cuz it's my birthday! i've been having breeks, swensons, seoul garden, sakae sushi, kenny rogers and gelare. oh god. did i tell that i went pan pacific for drinks on sunday for my birthday night? it was cool. the pictures are on pbase. only two. and pics of me and lins. that day i went seoul garden. ah. help me.

i still can't find some motivation to study. but i see it coming.

i think that'd be enough. i love clay aiken. yeay. not supposed to love you... anymore~ ooo...
urge+singing__
wednesday__18/06/03__14:43

i went to suntec with florence and prasad today. for my pre-birthday lunch. went kenny rogers and later gelare. i'm so surprised at how the past week has stretched my stomach. i didn't know i can eat so much! it's sinful. i'm feeling crapped up now. i'm growing fatter than ever. i shall cry.

prasad saw this old flame girl at gelare. he said she was obsessed with him during his stay at outram institute. (i was there for my first three months too. but i didn't know he existed.) yeah. he was hiding and all. so weird. he had raspberry sorbet and me and flo had praline and cream. so cool. aha.
then we went home.
it was raining so darn heavily this morning. my umbrella was giving way to the strong wind. i hate my hair when it's tied up now. it looks gross. oh. pics of my birthday dinner on sunday's up on pbase. i took a pic with my daddy! he's da man!

i'm feeling feverish. and uncared for. i don't know. hmmm. getting neurotic.
urge+hugging__
tuesday__17/06/03__19:37

I'M FILLER BUNNY! PEOPLE SEEM TO LIKE ME AND ALL, BUT THEY KEEP TORTURING ME... WHYYy?!? DONT YOU LOVE ME?! HUH?! HUH!!

You're FILLER BUNNY! You're pink, you're cute, and
you live a life of neverending torment and
pain. But you do your best to look on the
bright side in spite of it all. beware the butt
monkey.

Which Famous Jhonen Vasquez mini comic character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i did this today. found it on rei's page. muahaha. i like the part about neverending torment. aha.
too tired to tell yrall about the stuff that happened. i'll do it again sometime.
urge+getmyacneoffing__
monday__16/06/03__20:11

www.geocities.com/hungforbitchery
this is my old homepage. i've scrapped it totally, now left with a page to link this blog up. there are syntax errors cuz the bloody geocities can't freaking take some codes. they can't even take tables. like. what?! i'm gonna just use this blog page as the "main" site. pitas support my pages while geocities doesn't, i realised, after a small experiment. you can check the old page out. i have a new look for it.

stayed at home today. have got three irritating compres to complete. i plucked my eyebrows this morning. weee. aight. i shall be gone. it's getting too warm here.

urge+bathing__
wednesday__11/06/03__20:15

Good Lord!
my pbase and poetrypage are back. yeay. i feel so darn bored at home now. no mood for books either. i'm such a slum.
i actually thought of asking peiling out but. she seems to be always out with her niu nai (milk in chinkotongue) *shudders yeah. and she hasn't been having that much of spare time anymore. i'm glad i actually finished my econs data reponse question that day. i'm technically free for the week, only technically. i ought to be studying since the block tests are coming soon. it's a bad time to have a birthday. too early to panic and not celebrate, too late to rave. i was worried about entering gay clubs and all. i'm not 18 yet after all. i don't dare to tell, but i prefer the gayclub outing to be postponed till after block tests.

by the way. the old mattress that i have has got springs sticking out. ouch. hmmm. maybe i should flip em over but i guess a mattress protector will do the job. first night sleeping on a king-sized bed. it's pretty cool except for the gap in between. i was skilful enough not to wake up sandwiched by the two mattresses. pretty happy with how my room looks now. ahhh. i feel tired. i'll get some sleep.
urge+sleeping__
tuesday__10/06/03__12:41

i am so bloody proud of myself. i cleaned up the house, washed all the dishes and packed my room. now i need king-sized sheets, comforter, mattress protector, a huge piece of art for the wall, a beaded curtain, new curtains, a rug and cute ikea lamps. god. i shouldn't have wasted money on a single-sized quilt some months back. now it's kinda stuck with me. looking for sponsors. please... my birthday's coming. any dark coloured red-shade sheets will do, aight?

i need money. i can't work. gosh. i've spent so much money over nothings.

going to get a page done up soon. i need some pictures. so... i might get out taking pictures or i might just rip em off the web.
i've put on weight. darn it.

urge+shopping__
monday__09/06/03__20:46

it's four seventeen and i've yet to clean up the place. for thirty bucks, i'm gonna be a slave. i've rearranged my room a little and separated my two single mattresses to get a king-sized slumberland. my mom eyed me suspiciously, thinking i'd bring my guy over for some rendezvous. like. please. people can have sex in lifts, on beaches and even at public toilets. she's gotta realise it's not about space. hah. i'll take a picture of my completed room when i... complete it.

i realised my blog isn't linked to anyone's like most of my friends' ones are. less than five people read it i think. prolly cuz i'm a loner (it's an inevitable consequence of negligence). ah.

i've gotta get back to my room-packing. wish me luck.

urge+bathing__
monday__09/06/03__16:24

i shopped alone on friday, met rei, went lips cafe, cried at a bus stop, attended kc's housewarming (i saw his room with a ROOFTOP access. holy.)on saturday and shopped with my parents for eight freaking hours today. we went for dimsum. it was godly. really. i was walking around for a bag, and shoes. unsuccessful shopping trip. i was reduced to a deflated puppy, limping all over the place with a pair of eyes rimmed by a running eyeliner. realised how black my hair is. darn it. wanna get an industrial piercing so bad. kim messaged me that there would be no lit class tomorrow. i was like. "what?!" i didn't even know anything about it! i've got class on the 12,13,16,17,18,20th of june. right. it's gonna be such a sucky june break i don't even wanna think about it. prasad said he's gonna do some "research" on gay clubs tomorrow. i've even gotten ready what i'm gonna wear. he said he's gonna fit into a tight, sleeveless number. that freaking gay! i realised my mom's schizophrenic. rather, i've finally got it confirmed. she HAS to realise that when i look at something or ask for the price of it, it doesn't mean that i'm gonna BUY it. gosh. i'm gonna help my mom clean up the house tomorrow. for thirty bucks. that's freaking hard money, as much as i wanna redeem myself. about saturday's outing with rei. i'm just used to calling her that. anyway. wheee. i missed sats again. she missed it too! hah! she was so fun! i was laughing till my sides ache more than half the time, extending my long arms of bimboticism to her only to be reciprocated! she's the FIRST female netflen i've met. it was cool. gotta be the near birthdates or something. we're pretty insync in thoughts and stuff. we thought about the same thing to say twice. and we caught the lameness from each other's jokes. gonna ask her out again. hee. the mood was in direct contrast to the later evening. that was when it slumped so low i cried. ahhh.

urge+coffeeing__ sunday__08/06/03__22:06

i think my blog's getting too crooked in content. i shall declare that i am genuinely heterosexual. i like men, ultimately. point made.

i had eventful bus journey's yesterday and this morning. let's start with the former.
i was almost losing balance when i first got on bus 97. i gasped at one point when i was really gonna fall and this. orange-haired lousy middle-age man was patting the seat beside him (he happened to be sitting at the end of the bus) and said "come, come. sit beside me." i was taken aback. i sat a few seats away from his. he was with his friend. then, they started to talk about sajc.
orange-haired: this is sajc.
orange-haired's friend: not sas?
o-h: no. you know, sajc girls very pretty one. other jc girls not so pretty. sajc one very pretty.
o-h-f: ya. this one, chubby chubby one. very pretty ah?
the orange-haired bastard started to sing this song that went "oh young girl... take my heart" something like that. like what the hell! it's so gross. being admired by middleaged junkies is so unflattering. it dealt a heavy blow to my already punctured ego. gosh.
this morning. just when i alighted from the bus, i realised that i left my thermometer on the bus. i ran back to the bus driver, murmured that i left something on the bus, ran to the upper deck, and asked this nsman to help me get the thermometer from the seat. he sat beside me before i alighted. i was so freaking embarrassed.

today, the bureaucracy spoke.
LCT spoke about falling grades of our cohort. Mr G talked to us about beatrice's departure. Mr G was rather disturbing in the way he spoke lies such blatantly. it was outrightly a push of blame to beatrice. he was like a lousy source. hiding information as to support his stand. what's the point of having a mini-dialogue with us when it's not gonna change the result of anything? you know. it's just as irritating as the paradox of national education. they should stop it. telling us to speak up before putting us off is gross. it just makes us feel against them even more. ewww.

someone said my poetry was "nice". that was very kind of him. it's just made me a little more narcissistic, egotistic.

i shall curse less in my blog and talk "real-life". yeah.
i've yet to find out the venue of the sats on saturday. AEC training centre. something like that. someone help me!
today, i told florence about my discomfort with her mixing more with the class now. we used to stick to each other alot. i mean. it felt weird. everything's fine now. she's still my gemmmmmmmmm. aight.
i can't wait to get my own computer. my brother's yakking again. shit.

urge+hugging
thursday__05/06/03__19:09

f+ck. i was about to finish my blog entry when i cleared it accidentally. i'm gonna leave out some details for this one. here we go again.

prasad had this crazy idea of getting into a gay club to check em out. i'm totally cool with that. in fact. i'm pretty excited. he said he got the inspiration from my blog. the entry that i said i'm starting to find a certain attractiveness in gaymen. it'd be either next week or after block tests. before that, i'd have to fight my alcohol allergy. it happened after one encounter with a-third a bottle of smirnoff. i never had problems with alcohol - before that time. sheesh. i hate it. but then. it saves me money at clubs. whatever.

i was having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of caffeine in my bloodstream today. headache, extreme fatigue. my brain stalled during the lit lesson today. i've got an essay to finish. grrr.

i feel like puking. three mini glutinous rice kee-changs (the kind you've gotta eat it with sugar???), oreo cereals, seven strawberries. you have no idea how terrible i feel now. happy bachang day anyway. dumplinfest. sounds cool...

most prolly gonna catch ju-on this weekend. and finding nemo!

i had to go for choir despite my headache and reluctance to. SW's such a... wtf. chi, mel and i are gonna go swensons some day. baked rice paradise.

prasad actually got some chocolate thing for me and flo today. it was shared among our classmates and in the end. me and flo had to share ONE of the right. it's kinda. ah. nevermind that.

i'm listening to cell block tango from Chicago. i'm feeling all. broadway-ish. aha. my friend sent me Run Around Sue, courtesy of SHRIMP! thank you. it's a pretty song.

i skipped PE today again. yeay. mr ong said i've gotta stop this laziness. i'm the only girl in class who hasn't done her napfa yet. yeay again.

urge+puking__
wednesday__04/06/03__19:51

weee. i'm pretty happy with the poem i wrote yesterday. no one's tagging my blog anymore. and this shows how neglected i am.

i've been eating the burnt brownie today with a little milk to moist it a little. i had so many preserved peaches yesterday my throat when all sore with that amount of acid. today was a breeze. the himboticism from prasad is prevailing, however.

i've taken a sudden liking for gaymen. at least, superficially. damn. it's doomed to be one-sided ain't it. and suddenly the thought of turning lesbian wasn't all that scary until i thought about making out with a girl. lesbian porn is definitely hot i agree but. making out with a GIRL. i'm pretty deterred by the thought. i actually had a dream once that i was tongueing peiling. woah. in the dream i was thinking "wtf am i doing?".
despite all this, i think i'm still pretty much heterosexual. i still love men i guess. and to think of it. i have never dated a jc guy or anyone my age. it's queer. i seem to have attracted all those two years and older bastards. generalizing here, pardon me. sometimes i tell others "guys our age are so not it" but. i'm not "it" for them either. hah. my failure to rationalize has slumped me into self-defence. i've never experienced those sweet pursuits. no love letters, no poetry, no peck-on-the-cheeks. when i kiss, it's gotta be the lips - of my guy that is. my love life was plagued by ahbengs. freaking ironic.

urge+talking__
tuesday__03/06/03__20:26

i love preserved peaches!!!
i love preserved peaches.
i love them red
and succulent,
staining my lips
with some rouge-like scarlet.

they always make me happy,
the sourness clears my throat for
a song or two.
i can look into the mirror,
a girl with red, pouted lips,
mouthing tunes.

i love preserved peaches,
more than fresh ones.
the latter rots two weeks into summer
my peaches last for months

i was supposed to end school at twelve fifty today. had a history remedial till two ten. it was only today that the whole cohort was slapped into the face my miss chong's revelation that she was leaving sajc. for MOE. (f+ck that place) this is bad. she's the only decent looking tutor i have. she's the only one who appreciates my essays. that's pathetic i know. but what's worse's that she's leaving by thirtieth june if not earlier. f+ck. it's our bloody j2 year. what's their problem.

great. i burnt my brownie. i think... there's too much egg inside. it looks like a cake. the previous time, due to an inevitable constraint, i used only one egg. the recipe wrote two. it looked more like a brownie then. f+ck.

i'm cursing too much.

anyway. i went for the streetfest gig at youthpark on saturday night. saw darren and the rest of the band. i'm terribly attracted to the drummer. i thought he played really well. darren sounded better for the ballads. he CAN scream. i've gotta give him that. the acoustics at youth park sucked like hell.
i went to watch the matrix after the gig. prasad and i were sitting at the last row. it was really uncomfortable. words like "control" and stuff came up in the show which triggered this little voice in my head saying ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD. after a moment or two, i realised there were TWO voices. prasad was whispering to himself under his breath. "RGAD". god. is that all we can think of? when we stepped outta the theatre, i said "i was mindf+cked." and if that was sex, i felt like a virgin with a nonsensical, self-proclaimed sex god. terribly ignorant and being invaded by a pseudo "purpose of existence" film. keanu was cool. i loved his suit and all. fighting scenes were cool. um. yeah. that's about it.
which brought us to edo sushi for some late night sticky rice. by then, me and prasad were high on this himbobimboduo thingie. he's sooooo natural. PRASAD. YOU'RE SUCH A BLOODY HIMBO! i felt inapt. bimbo without boobs. that's like. male pornstar without a dick. ya know? it was so fun. really. a great night out without having to mind my manners or anything. i could just whack him and he'd probably go all himbotic. i laughed till my sides ached. and this himbobimbo thing continued in school. he gave me a cd for my birthday present. and he gave it to marianne too as a "for-nuthin" present. that cheapodick. gotta check out that cd anyway. hmmm.

seventeen days to my birthday. weeeeeeeeee. i'd be eighteen. considering the amount of booze i've taken, it don't FEEL like i'm turning eighteen. it'll just be another birthday. another sad day when i realise i don't get as many presents as other people do cuz people simply forget about me.
he's going for a recourse on the eighteenth. a day before my birthday. wtf. he might get deferred from that, though.

i'm not gonna skip school anytime before pre-lims. urh. resolution.
pics uploaded.

urge+talking__
monday__02/06/03__18:58

i realised that girls beyond singapore are so much more interesting. the things they write, their blogs are all cool. check em out from the links. their web blog designs are so pretty! i feel all dumb and stupid now with this layout. prrrf.

i've got to revamp my room some time. it has been put on hold for a month. it's in a pathetic state. after going to wholiveshere, i've suddenly got this urge to revamp it. get things together and look at my room in admiration.

i've got to i've got to i've got to. i'm feeling better today. goooooood. i'm cranky. muahahaha. bye.

urge+ikeaing__
saturday__31/05/03__11:47

i feel like ending it. i called him just now. and. he's disappointed that i've skipped school again. i'm disappointed with myself too. i thought of putting things to an end. half an hour. on the bed. thinking, crying. i thought of what i'd write on the note beside my dead body.

keeping my fingers crossed that nothing justifying of this blackout will surface soon. i've let loads of people down. i'm perpetually pissing people off, myself included. i haven't done anything useful. i keep repeating mistakes like a spoilt recorder. i splurge. i depress people.

urge+hugging__
friday__30/05/03__14:49

you know what. i hate myself. i skipped school again today. gotta get an mc later. i had a mild fever this morning. my teacher called me this morning and asked me why i've been missing out so much. i told her i kept slipping back into a flu that started two weeks ago. i really regret not going school today. i studied for a history test that was to be done today and ended up missing it. i hate myself no end. is there anything i can do to redeem myself? that's before i'm too hopeless for salvation.

i started reading the dictionary two days ago but stopped. this week has breezed by. it's not a time to skip school anymore! resolution set. i will not skip school unnecessarily till pre-lims. i've gotta keep that. i need some divine intervention. shall get down to the temple this weekend. i feel really muddled. like. life's a murky blue. blue for depression. hah. you know. everything i'm going through is very much of my own doing. i should stop it before i get marked down like prasad and adri. i'm an inch away from the wanted list.

i'm heading out this saturday with prasad. gig, movies, sushi. i'm getting all excited. gonna see my friend's band play. i haven't seen him for a long time. i used to have a little something with him. it's all over. he's really not it.

that day, the Minister for Education came over. he's really cool. jamie brought up a few points and she was commended for it. everyone's mentioning her name.
and it actually started this discussion in class about education in singapore. i brought up the point about the lack of diversity in courses in the university and says it's the root of the problem of unhappy-working-life for all here. i wanna do design. but i can't get a degree in it cuz it's not available. going overseas is a dream too far for my grasp. my family's barely making ends meet. so you see. i've this ominous feel about my future. a deskbound lady writing crappy poetry and in the end being too preoccupied with children that i neglect my personal interests. woah. nice thought. i should start thinking about what to do in the future, provided i get myself resolute for the next few months. i hate 'a's. nothing new ain't it. screw it.

i'm typing in a non-air-conditioned room. i'll get back to my cozy red room. ah.

urge+kissing__
friday__30/05/03__13:28

i'm trying to place my poems in an archive, sorts, online. i can't. my head's pounding. my cheekbones are aching. my gums are hurting.

anyway. i actually thought of. making a webpage for poetry and poetry only. a simple one. i'm gonna scrape my present webpage cuz it's just. i don't know. i'm bored with it. it's time for some change.

hopefully i'd be able to get my poems up soon. working on one presently. ideas are flooding. but i just lack that fluidity to it. it's rather chomped up. i've gotta organise my thoughts before anything. it's something i've never written about before.

i cried two nights ago. weep, to be more descriptive. i had an emotion-rush i guess. but i have no idea where it came from or how it came about. till now, i still can't find the origin or trigger to that flood of tears that night. i was shivering badly, tugging my hair and clamping my head between my hands. and suddenly. i snapped out of it. i thought. there wasn't a reason for all this and so i hushed for a moment or two. the gush came back a few minutes later, stronger than the precedent. come to think of it. that night. i waited for his call. three hours. i really needed a channel. i called him and he chased me to bed. i was taken aback, feeling rather unappreciated. i started weeping. yes. that's why. that's prolly why. and i felt like killing myself. kinda overreacting. that was no substantial reason for suicide. my family wasn't THAT kind of a bunch of people to me that night. if i told them about the weeping, they'd chuck it aside, shoo me away and say i'm just talking crap.

my head's hurting. my eyes were so puffed yesterday, i lost my double eye-lids. i need to get off the computer. my head's hurting. hurting. i feel like crying again. wassup. f+ck.

someone give me a possible explanation to my problem. i don't need a remedy. just as i hate medication, i hate solutions being prescribed to me. i'll find a way out myself, hopefully, after i figure what's happening.
till then, i shall just feed myself chocolates.

urge+screaming,coffeeing,chocolating,movieing__
sunday__25/05/03__21:06

my monitor's getting heretic. it has these lines appearing. black ones. trying to zap the world wide web off from the screen.
anyway. today was gruelling. i breezed through the lit presentation. i just ditched my econs. at twelve this noon, i momentously gave it up - when i saw the paper. i got five upon fifteen for my lit quiz and i've gotta reach school at seven on monday to do the freaking quiz. if i fail again, i'm barred from class.
next week isn't any better.

i was complaining to me friend about my deteriorating standard of english. it is really bad. my liguistic capabilities have been reduced to a mess of poor grammar and lack of vocabulary. i should start reading all over again. dump magazines and read novels, stuff. but it's as if the more i read, the worse it's getting. and i'm really clueless of what's causing this. complacency? i wasn't good in the first place. guess i shall just start reading the dictionary all over again.

my latest fad. ALPHABITS WITH MARSHMALLOW. it's cool. it's way cool i tell ya. and i realised plain wholemeal bread tastes really good.

starting to read janet inglis. she's erotic i tell ya, this horny woman. she's cool. and i like her style. but sometimes it gets a little too. deliberate in imagery. that's the only lament. i stole it from my brother's shelves. realised that i'm a novice at reading. (gosh. that sounds weird.)

i wish i could just shut my eyes and let the world pass me by. but it seems to have grown a thousand thorns, pricking as it passes me, startling me awake from evasion. i want stagnation. i want nothing to happen. academically that is. by the way. i realised i really can. step into the exam hall and out without doing anything, guilt-free. that's what happens all the time. and the reason why i am still studying is because i didn't do it during the 'O's.

ruben won american idol. cutie clay aiken lost. i'm obviously dissatisfied.
they are so bloody bias.

urge+talking__
friday__23/05/03__21:35

godshit. i spilt milk on my brother's chair.
i'm sitting before the com, at the brink of biting my fingers into cocktail sausages. i've got a presentation to get ready by 9:15 in the morning tomorrow and till now, i have no idea WHAT is required. ya know why? cuz of this. girl who didn't turn up today, a tired basketballer (i don't blame him at all) and two other guys who can't be less bothered about it. i'm not close to them. i can't bug them barking to do their stuff. they're not like prasad. i can whine and shove him in the shoulder. these few people are so distant, it's pretty hard to even give them a piece of my mind. godshit paradise. i'm stuck in this deep deep shit. can i say f+ck?

i've got a literature test on twenty-four poems and an econs test on the whole topic of theory of income and employment. shit. i'm not even halfway through. shall i just let it go? i could. for econs. but i've got no mood to dig lit. so. alleluia joanna. welcome to paradise.

end of rantings. be blessed and goodbye.

urge+cursing__
thursday__22/05/03__21:55

"MAY IS THE MONTH OF SADNESS."
i quote from a classmate when we were having this break today at school. florence was away for her grandma's wake and so, i was left alone. i wasn't brave enough to sit alone for breakfast, lunch filling my alternate breaks for today. thoughts, a stagnation. there wasn't much output on my part. i didn't think. i didn't need to speak. or maybe i couldn't. they were talking about things that matched no part of my puney memory. it was this science fac cutiepie. i was, lost. florence has always been there, for me. and i messaged her this afternoon that i missed her more than i expected and told her to take care. i'm not sure whether she's drastically affected by her grandma's death. but from her tone, through her messages, she was fine.
back to this month is sadness thing.
they were saying. many people in their cell group are troubled. and even people outside their cell group are brooding about one thing or another. i'd say it's a month of change. for me. this month's hardly the same as the previous. peiling's gotten attached and the only thing i can say's that. she's changed. or to put in other words, she's busier than before. i'm getting fussed up by all the assignments and tests lined up which eventually motivated me not to go to school with my messed up knee as a trigger. my mom's getting a little uptight over stuff. my brother's turning nasty. my dad's not as lighthearted as he was. maybe it's the dying down of sars that has caused all this. maybe it's the end of war in iraq. this extra time we now enjoy is now devoted to - us. and that's prolly why we're starting to evade a little lesser, and receive the full-force blow of tasks we should have already been doing before. everyone's focus' back on their own life. dissatisfied teenagers, disgruntled grown-ups. and ya know. the heat really isn't helping. i need some more chicken soup for my soul. sappy tales on the value of life spinned by authors we hardly know, into thread, that ties us up with this, elusively optimistic belief that. life's not that much of a bitch anyway. but somehow, personally, i can't bear to watch some of these optimistic people preaching about the "goodness" of life. it's like yakult. tastes good in small quantity, helps you live life smoother than before. when you take too much of it, your stomach get's bloated, you wanna shit, you wanna puke. it's bad for you.

my friend's in this. massive weight loss plan. she's dieting so much, she's lost like. seven kilograms. she ain't petite. but she's definitely a fine lady who holds herself very well. and she was telling me this afternoon. how despaired she is cuz no men has gotten up to her and confessed sweet true love to her. i was spending time telling her how this confident aura she has will get her a long way, and this is the kind of women older men like. guys of my age will never appreciate women with such an air of certainty in her views. correct me if i'm wrong. but to date, this assertion holds definite.
then. i started to look at myself. how did i get hooked up with guys. what was my body language and all. i'm curious. i should spend a day watching myself as a spectator. i think i'll be disgusted. really. apart from the fact that i think i might look fatter than what the mirror tells, i think i lack that confidence a girl at eighteen should have developed, already. with this, i fall short, and inferior. prolly part of a character building project whereby i'd have to strengthen my views, fortes, and smooth out the creases in my body language. make it a more confident, natural appearance rather than a made-up, impromptu presentation.

there was a talk by some BG this afternoon. national education. why not call it propaganda. we should, start realising, that as long as it's not LKY or someone who's got the ability, where ability comes from power, our questions on the flaws and disadvantages of civil/government service will always be brought for a roundabout tour around the system and back to where it began. this is the second time whereby a civil servant has failed to address questions properly. they mistake the intent of the question and. answer with answers only a secondary lit student could smoke their way into. it's such a loadful of meandering that. everyone slept it through. it's supposed to boost our confidence in the civil service. i'm sorry. you've been backlashed guys.

choir's left with only nine members. it's bad. they can't even form an acapella group. they lack a tenor. it's such a shame. and all we can do is to put up some message tomorrow morning and hope to have some kids coming over to sign up, before they confirm their cca online through some intranet thingie. i really, really hope the choir will still be in existence. the juniors are such sincere it is only unfair to not give them the cca. it's no way gonna disband. right? gosh. the possibility of it is increasingly, menacingly high. we've got a silver alright. but. ya know. it was what was said to be "unfair". we sang badly. i guess we're simply in the silver band cuz we just weren't as bad as the bronze, not because we had the standard to.

i miss florence. i can't wait to see her tomorrow. someone has to tell her that she's really sweet and, for me to miss her that much, she's definitely someone i hold with special regards. you're a gem, flo.

this is long. god. aight. i shall get back to my rosencrantz and guildenstern and how their character contributes to the play's themes and concerns. lack of control? determinism? pawns of a greater being? lack of individuality? security in contrast to desire for change? and rationalization in contrast to an accepting attitude of events?
urge+homeworking__ wednesday__21/05/03__21:14

my knee's feeling feverish.(what?!!)

porn online's lousy. the connection's so freaking slow too.

i'm losing grip.

sos.

urge+kissing__
tuesday__20/05/03__18:47

i found a couple of old blogs today. from my previous website. i realised i used to make so much more sense. and my language was more fluent than now. i've degenerated, haven't i?

28.10.02 23:38 MONDAY
does one live for herself or the people around her? and if she hold things back and put an opaque mask over secrets, what good will it do for her? would someone who has been with her for a long time sense the "more" that she has within herself? or is the very fact that that "someone" knowing would be that light has managed to shine through that whole phoney masquerade? is it part of human to tend to, even when she has vowed to be strong, to show the pain inside to draw attention and concern out of the people around her? to gain sympathy... to seek comfort... unconsciously sharing her pain with others even when she has no intention to relieve it... or rather... she feels that no one would be able to but the temptation of listening to someone telling her the age old tales that... "life's like that", "life's never a bed of roses", "challenges builds a person" what not... whatever not just... seems too strong to resist. her rational might think it's silly. but in fact... that's what she always do. the ultimate stupidity of this... is that... sometimes when she hears about these "age old tales" she gets so frustrated and the pain multiplies because it's just too cliched. so what should you do... ans: always lie to her when she's down with a problem... don't tell her how much worse things are beyond our myopic view of the world... how many more pitiful people out there whose stories worth pails of our tears. it seems that... when she gets bitten by reality... she turns to self-denial and unreasonably gets everyone around her involved in this big lie. why does she need that? how many times has she been told to face up to challenges and accept the sting of reality with a cynical smile... believing in the most common school of thought for self-denial - optimism. it's not easy at all... to lie flawlessly. but she just has the ability to lie to herself. after all... she's queen when it comes to lying to others. teachers, parents... and now herself. weird as it is... she doesn't lie to her friends. that means... she views friends above herself? no she doesn't. she's a bloody egoistic self-centered bitch. and here... she's lying. she does lie to her friends. but for the sake of creating an impression. she doesn't know who she is. what she is. she tries to mould herself into a certain form... or fit into a certain identity. don't mistake her. she's not deliberately trying to be some english-speaking intellect when she's a closet ahlian. she doesn't even know what her true self is. maybe we shouldn't say that she's lying. wait. maybe she does know her true self... but just doesn't know how to strengthen it. maybe... her true self is the identity she chose to portray... maybe she's just so afraid of public scrutiny that... she has become so paranoid and disillusioned and has mistaken her true self as a portrayal? she puts on different masks before different people... and the transparency of the masks... varies. she doesn't have a rule to determining how much she wants to tell a person. the people who she talk with the most might not be the ones who actually know her deepest secrets. in contrary... it might be someone she doesn't meet up at all with. the person who has known her since she was a baby does not know who she really is and what's going on in her life. her mum doesn't know her well at all. she opens up more to the people she has not known for ages such that she knows how many times the person wanks a day. and it's these people who seem to know where she's heading when she does and say something. probably... it's like. they know her for what she is now. and what they're facing is the her now. so it's easy to interpret her. an engraved impression in a person's mind about her past causes her to be misinterpreted. when she puts on an opaque mask... no one knows how she feels unless she talks it out. probably because she always have so much to say... so many thoughts to voice... that people think that's about all. wait... i think i know when the light shines. the people around her would notice that something within her is biting when she has nothing to say. so... the "light" that translucents the opaqeness is... silence instead of words... i see... the most-feared consequence of every revelation is not death... pain... or suffering. it is humiliation.... embarrassment... humans just indulge in superficiality don't they. the her that she portrays... is someone who doesn't stop her mind from pouring her heart out. and someone who doesn't care about how people feel about the things she say. yes. true. but only to a certain extent. she worries about them after she's said or done them. quite silly. she doesn't wanna lose the people around her who might be affected by what she's said or done. is this called impulse? maybe that's it. hey... she does know who she is after all... she's a non-conformist who conforms. she realises that no man's an island.

01.11.02 12:02 FRIDAY
these days... it's getting pretty hard for teenagers to find a reason to stay in singapore. at least that's what they claim. it's really ironic. we are the very generation that has received the most National Education. raffles. japanese occupation. racial riots. independence. lky. singapore. ooo. and have u heard the merlion roar? why hasn't it made an impact on us? where has all that tears for independence played on the vcr at "the singapore story" trail gone? we're not talking about the sincerity and truth in the tears. eye mo or tear glands. i mean. he's made an effort to cry... whether is it genuine or not... why aren't we touched? if we can cry to ficticiously ficticious japanese or korean serials... it's quite the same drama yeah? where has all our tears gone... young singaporeans... what's our problem. few reasons why kids today wanna leave. 1- they think they'll be drinking unhealthy water. not known to them is that... drinking singaporean crap is better than malaysian. and to think we've been drinking that for the past donkey years. 2- they feel that there's no liberalism. especially freedom of speech. all the obi-markers and stuff like that. actually... it's not really true. realise most of the people detained are politicians? no fear... we're harmless kids. ISD has better things to do. 3- they presume that singapore is too small for any exposure. and they wanna head out. yes... go on. head out and get marked down by a sniper. good luck and amen. 4- they see the standard of living is rocketting. or rather... price of living... cuz the standard is still... you get what i mean. and there we wanna migrate to places like london and japan. it's weird. and highly contradictory. 5- they can't stand the weather here. move! move to the artic! seeya at ur igloo. 6- they have observed that guys and girls aren't attractive here. as you've said it. you're singaporean. you aren't attractive either. who've said brad pitt would want you. and jennifer aniston would definitely commit suicide than to date a singaporean guy if brad pitt was stolen. that is if brad pitt can be stolen away in the first place. 7- they can't stand the cheena atmosphere here. my love... you head on to caucasian countries... you'll be the cheena one. 8- they feel that singapore is too far from a gracious society. too far for gracious citizens like them. hahahahahaha. excuse me... a society is made up of the country's population. so... you're part of the population. you are the people who make up the "ungracious" society... has that pricked your conscience? quick. go get tix to watch an abstract play at the bug. i mean. esplanade. (ass-plah-nah-dee~) 9- they all feel that the education system sucks. you didn't know did you? we've been copying from the british and americans. do your research and stop grumbling. 10- they think a foreign tag just looks better. we're dying our hair blonde here and mandy more has just dyed it ebony. wanna catch a fake accent? just talk to some anglo-chinese rich kid. oops. of course... there are still many reasons why young kids of this young nation with a young government would wanna leave the young country to revamp their young self. it is a fact that singapore has things limited in scope. like. there's no fashion design course in NUS. but think again. there are other alternatives. (la selle? la selle?) if you leave the country to pursue something that you want. you're worthy of our admiration. if you just wanna export yourself and come back as an import. go to hell. i love singapore. muah. muahahahahahahaa.

03.11.02 13:26 SUNDAY
everyone's just so vulnerable to sadness. and sometimes we don't even know how it happens. it's a wonder how our mood can swing like a pendulum. rather... many pendulums at the same moment. and it's true... it can sky dive, rocket. it can make u live or die. it's all in the mind i guess. since our moods are controlled by some unknown stuff in our mind... what does insanity bring us? when our mind's working against the norm. does elation and melancholy hit us all the same? and what's the real definition to being insane. do people "insanitize" themselves just to get away from life? i mean. is it self-induced or externally motivated. do we have a choice at all? ahhh... another branch out from self-denial. some people indulge in sadness. even when they've got a chance to get their spirits lifted up, the voluntarily slump back to sadness. all those depressed kids around. you either live and try to make the best outta it or die. there are so many children nowadays who complain about everything on earth... anticipating every next day to be worse, see a shrink... get a bottle of sedatives and feel so damn proud of it. but of course... there are people who aren't really that strong inside who needs a little boost now and then. these are the people whom we can't blame. but for all those mat rockers... who put panadol with alcohol hoping it can cure your headache? get a life... currently feeling down. somewhere near... bored and sad... but not quite yet. i guess everyone's gotta have a dosage of it regularly to help them realise the reality in real. my friend says happiness never happens. have you ever valued the happiness around you? is it genuine? or just sculpted by your well train skill of denial. how often do we really experience quality happiness? at 17 years old. i can say i'm wondering when i'll get it. i've never consciously experienced real happiness before. probably because i've never fulfilled a dream before. i have no idea. maybe at my last breath i would finally agree with my friend. happiness never happens. or maybe not. 10.11.02 18:08 SUNDAY i believe every single person who steps into my life takes away something from me. intangible/tangible. how much a person takes away is how much i've put into that person. people come and go. simple fact. i can't pretty much stop it, can i? when a really good company leaves me, i feel more empty than before. just like drinking coffee with milk after a piece of milk chocolate. when i've tasted something sweeter, better, i'd feel that what the coffee is tasteless and aint sweet enough. i fear losing the people around me. everyone does. i picture my life as a book of short stories and the people who appear in my life are authors of them. some are as long as a novel itself while others, a title and that's the end. it's a cliche that many people have used to describe how life works, how people can leave a page or two in your life blah blah... but it's kinda true. sometimes when people leave me... i start to scrutinize myself. is it something that i've done or said wrongly? what's wrong... why do people just fade away. and i've realized people need not part for a reason. sometimes it ends cuz it just does. but why? i still wonder. i suspect it's because this hypothesis is formed without an insight... which i feel comes with maturity and emotional age. i'm not sure i'm anywhere near but... is this parting caused by different things that happen in everyone elses' lives and without this consistency people tend to be preoccupied by something else that comes along and before they switch back to where they were it's the end? i've always been an attention-seeking child. when i start getting less of it from someone i search for more sources. is it... the same for everyone? i think it's human. maybe that's why people come and go... come for attention... and leave to look for more. i have no idea whether my rationalization stands but before i come up with something that's more... true and mature, this is it. i dunno how many people agree with me either. it's just like a cycle isn't it? what comes in must go out. now it sounds like sex but... i guess that's how all things work in... the world we're living in and leaving. i had tried to grasp everyone who comes into my life and feel really affected when they leave, as if a small fraction of me has been taken away. but it is only now that i realize that it just doesn't work that way. 24.11.02 14:42 SUNDAY dreaming without money is like having sex without an orgasm. my mom came in today... barging into my room and she told me she might not be able to get me through varsity education cuz of some CPF thing. she said i might have to get a loan from the bank with my cousin as the guarantor. during coffee break, i told her about my wish of going into designing instead of the much planned route to the university, taking some course in the arts&social faculty. she told me... designing in singapore can only be a side dish... never a main course. unless you're really good and you get overseas exposure. she cited my examples of the artgraduates she knows that hasn't exactly made it big. it's hard in singapore i guess. i agree there are exceptional cases... but the probability is far less than half. she told me... she wouldn't be able to sustain me through my education if i were to pursue designing. it's quite taxing on the pocket. i guess that's true... she said to me... i should at least get an 'A'-level certificate cuz it's much easier on me in the future if i were to pursue further studies. night class... what not. she doesn't object me going for designing, only if i'm sure of what i really wanna do in the future. work/study. i have a year to think it through. i'm glad she's finally agree-ing to let me have something i want. got my ticket to my dream... but doesn't mean i'm gonna get there. my mom found my babyanklet this afternoon and gave it to me. wearing it as a bracelet. reminds me of the good old days... when i felt like a princess. pampered with pampers. when i got the attention i wanted. when i could get whatever i wanted. i had a mommy's day today.

__wake_up__bitch!_
my knee's hurting lots. i missed school again. and marianne messaged me to remind me of my irresponsibility as we're supposed to do a presentation together with tingting. aight. that's a bite. somehow or rather, i wonder why i hadn't gone to school today.
you know how procrastination, complacency and elusion just get to you so strong, you can't withdraw yourself from this whirpool. it's madness, i'll tell ya. i feel as if i'm on some thrillride. the kind of. suspensed fear through lack of knowledge. i don't know where i am going. and i have no idea what i have done. things that are giving me the reality bite would be irresponsibility and laziness. both, which i have been axed for this two weeks. it is really bad. i feel sore. from all the battering. i wanna cry, but it's the internal machinery that had caused all this. i have no one to blame. none at all. and as i regret, i realised i'll continue regretting, like i am now, if i don't buck up soon enough. i should. really. it's an a-levels year. but there seems to be things in life that i've always held more important than studies that i do not wish to sacrifice. but come to think of it, yet again, it's only six month's business before the grand 'a's. once i thought giving up the whole two o o three for it would be terrible. but since now, i'm only left with half a year, it's not gonna be so difficult is it? no? hmm. prolly not. maybe i should just try. to brush all the fun aside. but my classmates from other colleges, rather. my classmate from another college seems to be having fun. time management maybe? i'm impressed by how people can actually pick themselves outta some leisure activity and resume work. it's incredible. and maybe that's what's called self-discipline. which, i do not possess. no. not even when i was in primary school. my mood had always dictated me. and the fact that i'm doing this right now, at the comfort of my own home, is, a mood-dictated move. i don't want anyone to start preaching, reprimanding my mistakes. i need some motivation. a source long-lost, i wish to rekindle. i'll get started with revision now. since it's all too late for me to take it back. all the time i've wasted, the wrong moves that has tagged me irresponsible.
i picture myself in this dark room. black eyelined, crying, kneeling on the floor. i can feel that pain. i have cried in such way for too many times to forget that sting.
do this for no one. be egoistic. i'd want to do something for myself, not very oftenly, but for once.
i need coffee. prolly gonna lie in bed. i'll start work at. twelve thirty? and get to the doc's at three? aight. gonna do literature. i hope this entry has woken me up a little.
urge+studying__
tuesday__20/05/03__11:47

nationalism in burma and malaya
yes. that's what i'm studying now. i know he's pissed. i'm gonna call him after this. i'm just taking a five-min break from my revision. now that i've got this blog done up, i feel so much more relieved. why don't they understand? it's like chicken soup for the soul that kinda thing.
i guess i'll be gone.
urge+crying__
monday__19/05/03__22:39

sometimes i feel that. not many people bother about someone. truly. being bothered and bothering are two very different things. my mom's perpetually irritated by me. that aside. i skipped school today. yeah. i said that in my last entry. but it's like. i feel bad. cuz there's slow progress and i'm focusing way too much on this blog account. the layout and all. i was going through this depression website and i realised. it's so easy to be depressed. in fact. i fit all the criteria. actually, most singaporeans do. my (ex)-best friend (i'm still hesitate to place that "ex" label on him cuz. i don't know. it's all a complicated story.) was depressed a year ago. cuz of exams in a poly (and people thought poly life was relaxed???) and he started doping sedatives. somehow, i feel that he was just overreacting to all his insomnia shit and his lack of concentration. now there're two sides to it. one, people who are stressed who delude so much with optimism, they're fine. the other. "i'm not eating well so i'm depressed". is that, it? my mind's getting groggy again. off to the doc's. i've got a feeling that i'll be back again tonight. for the novelty of it. yeah.
urge+cursing__
monday__19/05/03__17:18

BLOOM
i'm pretty, pretty happy. i've got a blog done and i like it. pretty much. i love the picture. apart from my avid liking for lesbian pornography, i think this picture's really pretty. four pretties i've used so far. anyway. i missed school today. i've gotta get to the doc's. my knee's drying up. which is good. right? hmmm. most prolly gonna get a shower. soon. i'm too tired to update my webpage. and i'm too drained to think of anything cool. so. for now. this is what you'll get. i think this page is nice. am i repeating myself? hmmm. i'll be back when my brain clears up a bit.
urge+frenching__
monday__19/05/03__16:02