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February.02+
March.02
+April.02
May.02
June.02
July.02
August.02

My Birthday was August 12th and it was not a good birthday this year.

What would you say or who would you call?

Is it sick that I think about things like this all the time? Whenever I am alone and walking around, I play the 'what if' game?

What if I didn't make it out? I would not be here right now and my family would be a lot richer. Is that sick you think? I have been told no, that it is normal and healthy to think, but not to say aloud.

Who would have I called? Well, I did call my mom and I was one out of a million people using the cell phone and got through. I spoke to my mom less then 5 minutes before the building came down. I told her it was coming down and I was trying to get away. I told her I was going to run as fast as I could and not to worry, I am fast and skinny. I told her she would hear from me again in like 45 minutes, the time it took for me to run back to my apartment. I told her about 35 times that I loved her and to tell my dad and sisters the same, just in case. I told her to call my roommates and tell them I am sorry. I told her to call my friends in DC and tell them I will miss them. I told her I loved her, again and again. I didn't want to hang up. I knew when I hung up, I may not ever hear my mom's high pitched, and kind of funny, yet kind of annoyingly horrible voice ever again. I couldn't hear her anymore from all the people screaming. I screamed I LOVE YOU one last time, hung up my phone and began the fight for my life.

I wonder why? So many other people called their families and said the same thing. Why did I get to call my mom again later that day? Why me? Why was I so lucky? I have also been told that this is normal and called survivor’s guilt. I think that is bullshit. I do not have survivor’s guilt, I am not sad I am alive, I just can't understand why or how?

I am 100% not looking forward to 9.11.02. I am actually extremely nervous and have had a few breakdowns just thinking about it. I do not want to have to deal with that day again. I don't want to have to replay it, again and again. This is just one more reminder of how lucky I am and another day for me to replay every second of the day and question how random decisions or chance play such a huge part in ones life.

I am bothered by people that are pissed that the world/ media are making such a big deal out of 9.11.02. It is a big deal. A lot of people died and they did not die an easy death. Imagine this, imagine being married for a year and then your husband/ wife dies in the most terrible terrorist attack in the world. You would be pissed and upset and it may make you feel better if NYC made a big deal of the anniversary and did nice things that day. If you don't like it, turn off the TV, get off the internet, close your paper and shut the fuck up. I like the fact that they are making a big deal over it, some people need and want it and now it is here and they can partake. If you don't like it, ignore it; ignore it like you ignore all the "missing" signs that still hang in Grand Central Station after a year.

Britney
Anastacia
Eminem
Ashanti
Delta

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