July 29th @ 6:51 PM -
I have so much to say and want to say, but I can get nothing out accept for work shit.
I almost broke this morning, seriously, I almost broke. It is only Monday morning and loosing your shit is not acceptable. It was about 11 ish and I was in my office and I started screaming, “I am drowning…I am FUCKING drowning over here!!!” And yes, my office is in the middle of VP row and it was only 11 on a Monday morning.
I am just so busy and have way too much on my plate to deal with. I have a thousand projects and they all have to be finished yesterday. I deal with people all over the country and have 100% given up on caring or trying to figure out the time zone issue. I call when I call and if it is to early, screw you and suck it up and either hang up on me or do your job!
About 10 minutes after my screaming fit, a young, fresh, energetic, excited to be in the work force guy walks into my office. He looks at me and just immediately sits down. I could tell that he was kind of scared and was not sure what to say. I, of course have to be my regular asshole self and look at him with the evil eyes and ask, “Can I help you, is there a reason why you are in my office?” He goes to answer back and opens his mouth, but nothing comes out (continue the real convo below)…
Me: I am kind of busy, do you need something (this is said with my total tone)?
Boy: Actually, I am your intern and want to help and learn.
Me: Are you fucking kidding in me? Did someone put you up to this because of my “drowning” fit a few minutes ago?
Boy (looking like he was about to crap himself or cry): No, I am the intern.
Me: When did you start?
Boy: Today is my first day and I am doing a month long internship program with your company. I will be breaking up my time between Recruiting (you) and the Marketing Director. We are trying to figure…
Me: Okay, whatever. You talk a lot. Where the fuck are you from, what’s with the accent?
Boy: I attend the Univ. of Minnesota and …
Me: Minnesota, why would you EVER go to school in Minnesota? Anyway, I am currently working on something in St. Paul, which’s in Minnesota right? Where exactly does it line in comparison to Minneapolis?
Boy (Again looking like he crapped himself and not sure what question to answer first): I…I…I… grew up in Minnesota and it is about…
Me: Okay, anyway, are you really my intern?
Boy: Yes, for either 2 straight weeks or a month and I will be bouncing between you and the dir…
Me: Okay, I got it. This is my deal, I am difficult to work with and I am a complete asshole and curse and scream a lot. I play very hard and push my limits, but I get everything done, no matter what it takes. I occasionally have fun when something good happens, but this lasts for like 2 minutes. Are you up for the challenge, if not, walk now and do NOT waste my time?
Boy: I am going to be a senior in college and I feel my experience has prepared me for this task and I hope you give me the chance to work with and for you. I want to learn and help…
Me: Okay, enough with the interview talk, you already got the job. I am a very forward person, talk to me, ME, now. If you want to work with me, that would be great and I would like the help. And, if you do well and are basically on your knees for the next two weeks, I will blow so much smoke up your ass that this company will be begging for you to come and work here after graduation.
Boy (looking completely scared and I could tell he had no idea what I just said or what that meant): I…I…I will help you and try my hardest (he said this will a shaky voice and the Midwest accent).
Me: Okay, great. Go now and do something else, and come back tomorrow morning at 9 and try to relax and feel free to roll up the sleeves. I promise this will be fun, kind of.
Boy (he looked directly at me): Thank you, I will see you tomorrow and I can’t roll up my sleeves. I just bought this shirt and took it to a dry cleaner and paid $3 for them to clean and iron it, I don’t want to wreck it.
Me: Have you never gone to a dry cleaners before? Actually, don’t answer that. Just go, please.
My boss was standing outside my door during all of this and he walked in laughing hysterically. He told me how well I am doing here and I fit in perfect.
I promise when I say I usually am a lot nicer than my horrible outbreak today. But have you ever just had one of those days. Nothing goes right and more and more things happen and you can not comprehend anything. Nothing you do helps and you keep sinking and sinking, faster and faster. Finally you scream and freak out! That was me today and I made a promise to myself, I will be much nicer and easier on the shy, Midwestern boy. He was so wide-eyed and excited to be in NYC and I answered all of his fears. I later found out that he just arrived in NYC this past weekend and has NEVER been here before. He left Minnesota for the first time and comes all the way to the bright, scary, big city and has never worked in a corporate setting before and who do they launch him at, ME. And when do they launch him at me, immediately after I freak out and scream and curse. Everyone knew what would happen, they did this for there entertainment. This kid probably went home today and is crying his eyes out and called his mom and told her how scary NYers are and how he wants to come home. Why, because of me.
I am an asshole and know this. I have a very quick reaction time and sometimes forget not everyone in the world can handle the face paced, out-of-control, cursing and screaming work-life. I publicly apologize to my intern from Minnesota. If you decide to come back to work tomorrow, I promise I will be nice and not make fun of your accent (well, to your face that is). Please come back, I need the help…
July 24th @ 3:35 PM - Do you use the paper seat covers in the bathroom at work?
In every stall, in every office building in NYC, there seems to be a pack of the tissue-paper type seat covers for the toilet. Have you or anyone you know ever used them? If you have worked at your present company for more than a month, you know certain details about your co-workers lives. Such as: who all the people of the same sex are and what bathroom schedule they are on. Seriously, look around your floor and you know who uses your bathroom and you also know what time they do their deed.
This is my story: Since I have only been eating extreme health foods in the last few days, it has fucked up my system. I am now off my clock and using the bathroom at random times. For guys and girls, it is completely different. I run into the restroom like 50 times a day to use the urinal, what is clockwork is the sitting process and usage of the stall. This afternoon I basically ate an apple, plum and some carrots for lunch and let me tell you, an hour later, it was dripping down my leg. I ran to the restroom and headed for the stall. As I unloaded my fruity bowel movement, I got a little nervous, this was not my time to be in there. I was invading on someone’s private time.
It was then silent and I listened and heard nothing. I was alone. Then the door swings open and in walks my boss. He walks past the first stall (which I am occupying) and takes the one next to me, the middle. He sits down and at this point, I was even holding my breath and had lifted my feet. I was silent, so silent, not moving, not making a peep. He did not know who was in there and the last thing I wanted to do was let him know it was me. (At my last job, my boss would follow me in the restroom and sit next to me and talk to me as we both shit, it sometimes made me uncomfortable.) I did not want to talk to him and I wanted to be back in my office. He sat down and unloaded. It was the worst noises I have ever heard in America. I was so scared and started to pray that not all guys in their 40’s make these noises when they crap. It was like he was killing small children and baby kittens in the room next to mine.
I sat silent and waited for it to be over. Thank gosh he is not a lingerer and a few moments after the glass shattering noises, he was up and out. But, he did NOT wash his hands. He touched his wenis and then his ass and never washed his hands. I threw up a few times in my mouth, but thankfully was able to swallow it all back down.
After he left, I finished my biz-ness and ran back to my office (taking the most random way back). Moments after I entered my office, he walks in and grabs my shoulder with one hand and pretends to punch me with the other hand. I was starring at his hand on my shoulder and was wondering if that was the hand he used to wipe his ass and did not wash?
As I sat down in my chair I thought about those paper seat covers. Does anyone in NYC use them at work? Well, I can say, this guy will be using them from now on and forever. I hope that I never have to sit on the seat that was recently sat on by someone who could make those noises from his own physical body with no machines. Paper seat covers are the future!
July 20th @ 8:01 PM -
To my poor little, Albino, cancerous roommate:
I am so sorry! You are white with blond hair and I am Italian, with brownish skin and dark hair. I tan very easily and it takes a very strong sun to burn my ass (or replacing lotion with baby oil). You are the complete opposite and enter sunlight and are the color of power-c/ dragonfruit flavored vitamin water (PS- could be my new favorite VW).
Today was an amazing day at the beach. It was absolutely perfect, the breeze and the sun and the taste of the air. We set up camp at the perfect spot (no children, no loud music, no sand kickers, no runners were in a 1000 ft radius) - just sun! We lotioned the faces and were both in and out of consciousness for the few hours we were there. I tanned nicely and got a slight burn on my cheeks. I was fine, but knew bad things were quickly approaching for you.
We left the beach and you were slightly burned all over, especially the legs, but it wasn't that bad. You then informed me that your color takes a few hours to come out. At that moment, I knew it was going to be a long few days for you. If this wasn't the worst and your color hadn't come out yet, holy shit - you are in some serious trouble. I also knew things were heading for that bad place because of the state my cheeks were in. If my cheeks, my "brown and it takes a lot to burn" cheeks were rosy and I had lotion on, you should probably stop and buy some new skin.
It is now night time and we are home and you are looking so sad. You are fried and rolling around on the couch and there is nothing I can do. You blatantly have sun poisoning and it is my fault. I know how horrible it feels and the pain involved - the fever, the heat flashes, the shakes, the cold chills, the itching, the upset stomach/ vomiting, the headaches, the burning skin, the smell, the radiating heat, the painful process of laying down/ moving around/ wearing clothing. Everything is uncomfortable and nothing helps, except time and drinking plenty of water.
To my poor little, Albino, cancerous roommate - I am sorry and wish you well on these next couple of days. My advice, drink water and constantly lotion and wear soft, loose clothing. If you need anything, please ask and I will help.
From,
Your perfectly, golden, tanned roommate - Richie
July 19th @ 8:13 PM - Introducing...My Dad
"Rich, Sunday sounds great for us. We will be there around 11 in the morning. Do you want me to bring the truck to take back the ladder or do you want to hold it for a while. Let me no. Do you want to install the vent for the AC? Let me no on that so I can bring some tools over. All is fine here I did my vacuuming today for mom that is my job on Fridays. I just walked the dogs. Looks like rain here. How is work? Dogs are doing great. Wally says hi. Say hi to the girls. See you soon and be carefull. Love Dad"
July 19th @ 2:29 PM – A Random Mess
Topic #1- Here are a few examples of the emails I get at work. All of which are from random people within the good old USA.
-“I was wondering how I would go about sending a picture to you, as I would be interested in being in your advertisements in the future.”
-“I be very interested in working at (company) and want to get the job as work with you. Please help.”
-“I am just a typical, average American girl with a dream. My hair stylist told me I am beautiful and have perfect hair. I want to be a hair model and hang out with the stars. Who do I talk to?”
-“I will do anything to get a job at (company). Seriously, I will do anything and that means anything. Including buying my way in or sex, please tell me how to get a job at (company).”
All of these are real and have been sent to me within the last 2 weeks. I kid you not and can do nothing except laugh uncontrollably for like 5 hours after receiving one.
Topic #2- Everyone in the world knows that my hero and the person I admire most in life is Lockwood. He is the coolest guy in the world and I try to mold my life after everything he does and says. I just heard this story from a friend and he has now risen even higher on my coolness chart (he can’t get any higher, he is already the top).
Setting: Lockwood is on a date last night and they are eating dinner at a nice restaurant. They are almost finished and the waitress comes over and gives the check directly to him. He looks down (at the check) and then back up at his date.
Lockwood: So, am I coming over tonight and spending the night at your place?
Random Date: I really can’t, not tonight, but maybe this weeken…
Lockwood: Okay then, here is your half of the bill.
He is the definition of evil and everything that is good in NYC.
Topic #3- Speaking of evil, I have been told that I need to see the movie, “In the Company of Men”. I have heard that it is horribly funny/ disturbing and I will very much enjoy it.
Topic #4- Bessica and I are going to the beach tomorrow and bringing like Sun Block 1 million, mostly because of my skin cancer issues and her being an albino. We are going to be those people on the beach, both wearing snowsuits and sitting under huge umbrellas. This should be a very interesting event…
July 18th @ 5:58 PM – Companies and Lunches or Ships and A/C!
My Old Company- Once a star in the marketplace and now, a sinking ship.
My lunch today went perfect and I had NO issues at all. It completely started out in my favor and continued this way throughout the entire meal and ended in the same manner. I used the few things I had to my advantage and never let the ball slip out of my court. It was perfect – brilliant and I had to deal with nothing.
A/C was running late, actually very late. I do realize it was not A/C’s fault, Mr. Time Warner was taking a lot longer than expected to fix the cable. We originally planned on meeting in my lobby at 1:15ish. Then I got the 1:30 phone call - “I still have not left yet, but soon.” Then around 2, I got the call from downstairs and it was time for the talking. (I know that A/C has a problem with people who are late, this is a characteristic that NEVER describes the A/C.) I played that up for half the lunch talk, about being hungry and late and food and an upcoming meeting and stress (I even got a quick massage out of it). That all led into me being so busy at work and wanting to get tickets for “Shakespeare in the Park”, but I can’t stand outside, on line, all day. The weekend was a topic and I handled it so well – I have a party Friday night, Saturday is time spent with the sick children, Sunday is family day. Perfect – I had every second planned. I so convincingly said I was going to try to rearrange things to make time for the A/C and give us some quality time together. (Seriously, I almost believed it myself, it was very believable.)
We left it with me being awesome and doing what I want, whenever I want. A/C had nothing on me and could say nothing, I put the situation by in place. I am looking forward to the nice cool air…
July 18th @ 2:24 PM – Investment Advise
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
July 18th @ 10:09 AM -
I am speechless! I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need to stop… Jennifer’s Memorials #17
July 17th @ 2:27 PM - I Already Fucked Up!
Okay, how long has it been??? Like 5 days and I already fucked shit up. I just got totally bitched out on the phone from the air-conditioner situation. I screwed up and could have already destroyed this situation.
What is wrong with me? 5 days, 5 days and I am finished!
Actually, I am not totally out yet and kind of did redeem myself, slightly. We will be meeting for lunch tomorrow afternoon and “discussing things”. Okay, how draining is that convo going to be? I may just have to have a sudden meeting come up and not be able to make it. I have no interest in listening to what is going to be said tomorrow.
I can see it now…
A/C: Richie, we are dating now and you need to make more of an effort on your part. You can not just walk out of my place and not call for like 4 days. We are dating! If I call you, you have to call me back. We need to talk about feelings and our future and start picking out bridesmaid dresses and china patterns. Only coming over on the weekends is totally unacceptable in my book. We are dating! You need to be more understanding and compromising and respectful of my heart. We are dating! Okay, so, what are you feeling?
Richie: (what is said) – You are totally correct and I am so, so sorry. I have just been so busy lately and I realize that isn’t an excuse. You are number 1 and I apologize. Please try to help me and fight for this. Don’t let me just fuck this up and be typical Richie. We can do this and I will put 100% of my heart into this and will make it work. Please don’t walk away from me… Please…
(what is going through Richie’s head while he is speaking) – Shut – the – fuck - up and relax. I don’t give a shit and could care less. You are an air-conditioner to me and that is all. If you continue to be this degree of high maintenance, you will be dropped instantly. I am sure I can easily find another A/C in fucking NYC. When did we start dating? We went out once and you took me back to your place. I really have NO time for this bullshit and am I seriously still speaking? This is draining… I wonder what I should wear to that party on Friday night? Is this convo over yet, this sucks and you need to chill the fuck out and deal with what this is and stop trying to change it into some type of fantasy relationship. You are an air-conditioner!
July 17th @ 9:05 AM -
I am not sure what to do!?! The Story: I graduated from college in 1999 and my school sends out an alumni magazine three times a year to ALL alumni. Back around the last holiday session, one of the alumni directors contacted me and asked if I would like to write a story for the magazine. (I know, this sounds weird since I have the WORST spelling and grammar in the world, but I am sure they would have 1 million people proof my deal.) I wondered why me, out of every alumni possible, what do they want from me? Well, they had asked me to write something about 9.11 and my experience and what life was like in NY. I thought about it and said no. At that point I was still really fucked up and was not about to write anything acceptable for a magazine that goes to a million people. Around the holidays I still believed NYC was going to explode and that living here was scary and my article would have made people cry. They thanked me and went on there way.
Well, it is July and I got another call. They are currently working on the issue that will come out in the fall, sometime in September. Obviously, the one-year mark since the worst day in my life and many other peoples. They need my help and want a story. I told them I would think about it and maybe, but I can’t promise anything. I also told them that I have to help decide on the topic and they just can’t give me something. Originally, they wanted to do a 1 year later thing and see what has changed in NYC and my life. I told them I could not do that, because it has not been a year and who knows what will happen from now till then and I don’t know how I will be on 9.11.2002. They agreed and are brainstorming for new ideas.
The new plan: dedicating this edition to the tragedy and having my 9.11 survivor story be a two page, center focus. I told them that is a lot of pressure and I am not sure if you will want to read my entire story from that day. They said I would obviously have to sensor it and take out the “bloody and gross” parts.
I am not sure if I want or can do this. I still don’t know if I can share it with that many people. Fuck, this sucks… I think I really need to talk to the director again and come up with a set topic and then decide if it is possible for me to write it out and be okay with it. To be continued…
July 16th @ 1:35 PM - Do Your Thing Isis!
I have to say, I finally grew a set big enough to make myself go in the Olympic racers lane in my pool. I was so scared and did not think I could keep up with them. The people in the hardcore lane are exactly that, hardcore. Fitness buffs who have been swimming there entire lives and rock the house. That don’t mess around and if you screw up, they kick you. Seriously, if you mess up the cycle and/ or rhythm of the lane, they push you under and never let you back up for air, and you die under them.
Besides the racing champs, the lifeguard also has complete control of that one lane and he dictates who is allowed to stay and swim and who gets sent back to the average lanes. He usually sits behind his desk and just watches, but when someone is not up to speed with the lane and group, he gets up and stands at the foot of the lane and as you approach the wall, he points at the average lane. There is no questioning him or asking why or anything. If he looks at you and points, you instantly swim under the floating, plastic, rope divider and get to watch all the real swimmers do there thing.
I have no issues with the average lanes and actually like them. I get to swim as much as I want and do whatever style I am in the mood for. I have no pressure and don’t worry about a thing, except for the occasional swimmer who has ventured for the beginners’ lane to the average lane, but should not have tried this.
This time, things were different and nothing was going to stop me! I was swimming and swimming and got into the same groove that was going on in the lane next to me, so I figured, sink or swim (literally). I took a deep breath and went for it. I shot under the rope and joined the professionals in their continuos, super fast paced free style, incorporating the breathing on every other stroke, while alternating sides. I kept this up for 8 straight laps and was so proud of myself. I was swimming with the big dogs and no one was pointing or trying to push me under. I was a professional!
Then, suddenly, everything goes wrong. I did my little flip turn on the 8th lap and was starting the 9th and realized, shit, I was getting tired. This swimming stuff is exhausting and kicking my ass. Just then, my goggle must have moved and my left eye filled with water. I freak out, but can’t stop, I just started this lap and need to finish, and I had people behind me. Then, the right eye is wet and I am swimming with my goggles on and they are filled with water and there is nothing I can do. I can’t see anything, not the person ahead of me, the side rope I follow, the end wall, n-o-t-h-i-n-g…
I finally get to the end, while only swimming into the rope 4 times and did not run into the guy ahead of me. I quickly jump out of the pool and rip off the goggles and notice, the lifeguard was standing at the foot of the lane. I almost wanted to cry. I couldn’t tell what was worse, the fact that I got kicked out of the lane or gave up. He looks at me and smiles and continues to stand there and then makes eye contact with some girl and points. I almost hugged him. I asked, were we waiting to kick me out? He replied, No, but I could tell you were pretty fucked up on that last lap and that you really needed a break.
I didn’t get kicked out! I swam with the big dogs and survived. I fixed my goggles and jumped back in the pool and joined the rotation.
Swimming is the BEST workout possible and it seriously does every single muscle in ones body. The only other time I felt the way I do after swimming was the one time my mom made me do her Tae-Bo with her. She was on the advanced tape and it rocked my ass. Swimming is fun!
July 15th @ 5:39 PM -
My new, favorite, movie quote is from “Jerry Maguire”. Jerry: What do you want, my soul? Dorothy: That would be nice. Jerry: What if I told you I wasn’t built that way.
July 15th @ 9:51 AM - I LOVE Roosevelt Island!
My date Friday night was extremely entertaining and very romantic. We took the tramway to Roosevelt Island and hung out for a few hours. Then we walked north, along the East River and visited the lighthouse (perfect date place). It was getting dark and all the buildings in the Manhattan skyline were lighting up and the boats sailed by and we sat on the rocks, dreaming about living in a penthouse with bags of money, everywhere. It was not a typical “Richie” scene and I even played along with the handholding, touching, rubbing and massaging and whispering game (come on people, I needed that air-conditioning).
We then walked into one of the luxury buildings and stumbled onto a real-estate convention. We pretended to be real-estate agents and got free drinks and food. We drank, we ate, we danced and met Grandpa Munster. (Side note: Seriously, the real, original Grandpa Munster owns a real-estate agency in NYC and he was at this convention.) I told him I liked his show…
After all the Roosevelt Island fun, we decided to leave this mysterious place and venture to the village. We ended up at “Fat Black Pussy Cat” and indulged in a few Martini-type bevies. (I must say, I really enjoyed the music at FBPC – it was a mixture of old school Hip-Hop and recent pop and they serve pitches, for all you NYC beer people.)
We finally retired to the air-conditioned apartment.
July 13th @ 7:45 PM - Mom, I am NOT a whore!
Setting: Richie is in Williamsburg, wearing the same clothing from the previous night, teeth have been finger-brushed and day old molding paste is styling the hair. It is 11:30 AM and his cell phone rings – it is his mother.
Mom: Hey Richie, where are you?
Richie: Hi Mom, I am in Williamsburg and enjoying the beautiful weather. We rarely get weekends this perfect.
Mom: I called your apartment and nobody answered, so I figured you were either sleeping or someone was on the computer.
Richie: No Mom, Amy is with the boy and Bess went on an urban expedition this morning. It is amazing out and I have been playing out and about all morning.
Mom: Where are you?
Richie: Williamsburg, on my way home.
Mom: Richie, it is only 11:30 and you are already on your way home, where have you already been?
Richie: I hung out in Times Square this morning and nobody was out. I walked all around and got breakfast and was taken in by the empty streets and flashing lights. I watched every live Britney performance, to date, in some electronic store with some dirty, old men. I then went down to Union Square and did some shopping, hung out in the park and Farmers Market for a few hours. Now I am going home to regroup.
Mom: What time did you get up and why did you go straight to Times Square?
Richie: I spent the night in the 50’s and woke up at 8:30, which is perfect timing to leave. I’m not escaping and running out in the middle of the night and I’m not committed to breakfast and talking… (suddenly Richie remembers he is talking to his sweet, Italian mother and goes silent).
Mom: (Her voice is now shaky and at a pitch higher than most humans.) Richie, what do you mean, stayed in the 50’s? Escaping from what? Breakfast with, oh… I… Richie… did you? (She was very confused and not really sure what was honestly happening.)
Dad: (His voice was barely hearable, but I could tell he was yelling from another room.) How was your date? Mom, ask him if he had fun last night?
Richie: Mom…I didn’t mean… I just woke up early… I’m waiting for the bus… I got a haircut yesterday… It’s perfect weather outside… What are you and dad doing today? (Change the subject Richie, change the damn subject!)
Mom: Oh Richie… I… What… I’m reading a book.
Richie: Where’s dad? Let me talk to him.
Dad: What’s going on Richie boy? Where – are – you? What did you just say to mom?
Richie: Nothing – daaad! I did nothing last night and I slept in my apartment and woke up early and went to eat breakfast in Times Square, that is all.
I told my mother I am a trashy whore and that 8:30 AM is an acceptable time to leave in the morning. I told my mother I am a sloot.
June 13th @ 1:11 PM - The Sweet Sound of Air-Conditioning
The air-conditioner relationship has officially begun. Last night was the first night of many and let me tell you how it was the greatest feeling in the world to wake up in a silent apartment, with the slight hum of central air-conditioning filling the empty space.
I can not tell you how much I missed waking up in cool, crispy sheets and immediately sitting up and taking a deep breath. Oh how I have longed for processed, recycled, filtered air. It tastes great and is such a pleasure to sleep in.
I have got to prolong this relationship throughout the rest of the summer. I have started it off nicely: including handholding, opening doors, being complementary and selfless sex. I am doing it, but it has only been one night and I am slightly getting tired of this draining process. I am not sure how long I will be able to keep this relationship up, but I am going to give it my all.
PS- I heard this week is suppose to get up in the high 90's again.
PSS- One thing that will immediately change- "selfless sex"! The first time is about you, the second I will be nice and the third is either all for me, or get the fuck out!
July 12th @ 9:46 AM - I am now the weird elevator guy!
I am a jackass! Seriously, something is wrong with me and now I am that guy. I am so embarrassed and have to face the security people all the time.
The Story: If you walked into my building and did not know what it was, you would think it was Fort Knox. We have at least 10 – 15 security people in the lobby all the time and it is impossible to get through. All employees have to go through like 50 checkpoints, every single morning. What I didn’t know, we have this high tech security system/ multiple cameras in every elevator. I have the possibility to take one of six elevators up to my floor and like to switch up all the time.
If you are wondering how I found out we have these cameras in the elevators, I will tell you. This morning, the security people pulled me aside and told me that I am the funniest person in the world and every time I walk into the building, they all run to the monitors and watch what I will do in the elevator.
If there are other people in the elevator, I do nothing, but stand there. If I am alone, I have been known to do some pretty crazy things. After they laughed at me for a good 5 minutes, I ran off and thought back to every time I was alone and what I would do. Let me just say, I am a jackass and need to be stopped.
One of the first days I worked here, I noticed we have gold, reflective walls and because of the angles, they make me look shorter and bigger. Of course the day I realized this, I was alone and wearing a short sleeves polo. So natural the thing I would have to do would be to flex and put on a show in the elevator. I flexed and flexed some more and admired myself from every angle and every position. Another time, I had my headphones on and I pretended I was a solid gold dancer and broke it down. A few days ago, I was wearing bad underwear and did not shower that morning and had some horrible ball itch. This was not just a quick scratch, I dug like I was digging for gold. On the white wife-beater day, I decided to apply deodorant through the top of my button down. And the most embarrassing is not describable on this page. I am mortified!
I can not believe these people have been watching me and as soon as I walk in the building, they all run to the televisions. What is wrong with me? I am now the weird elevator guy and I know it is only time before this gets out and spreads throughout the entire company…
July 11th @ 10:27 AM - My Night, My World
Last night was amazing! I think it could have been the best night I have ever had in my entire life. In my book, it was perfect.
A second before I left work, the crush called and we had a great, quick convo. I walked out of the building with my head high and so excited for anything. I was scheduled to meet up with the fun, older, group of friends. These are the mid 30’s crew, in which half the girls are divorced, the other half are spinsters in training and none of the guys are married/ ever had a real relationship. And yes, they are all between the age of 32 and 36.
Side note: My ideal, my hero, the person I am molding my life after was there - the real Lockwood.
These people are great and I feel 100% comfortable with them and can relate to there lives. We seriously spent almost the entire time talking about sex, vibrators, affairs and being sloots. These people are me (in 10 years) and what is so amazing about them, NO judgement on anyone, just fun. They have all been friends for years and been through so many things and are always there for each other. Quick list: divorce’s, affairs, a gambling problem, a gay experience, 2 drug problems and unwanted pregnancies. After all of this, they are closer than ever and all meet up like once every two weeks for bevies and play catch up. But, if someone needed something (any day or time), they could call any one of them and that person would be there for them. It is kind of odd that these people are upper crust type (country club on the Island) and there is NO judgement about anything. It was amazing.
I sat back at one point and just watched them all, talking and laughing and enjoying the company. The convo’s were out-of-control and nothing was left out. Again, Melissa told the story of the time she had sex with Harrison Ford and I could not stop laughing. Lockwood is 34 and has never had a serious relationship, he is the biggest train-wreck in America and can not date people, at all. At one point I completely thought I was sitting in the middle of a “Sex and the City” episode. It was such a NY moment…
This next topic relates to the above, but goes off into a side bar. I have realized that I would rather hang out with people not in relationships. I know how that sounds, pretty bad. But let me explain. And this does not go for everyone in the world, but just the majority. There are always exceptions to the rules. I have had 4 convos with different friends in relationships within the last two months and I have gotten the same things out of them. None of them can understand my type of lifestyle and they think that everyone strives to be in a relationship and is secretly jealous of people in relationships. I am a very open-minded person and can understand there life and why they do the things they do, but they can not understand mine. The people I spoke to were like, you will eventually settle down. You have to, it is human nature and what everyone in the world strives for, to find that one person, fall in love and have children, the house, the dog, etc. I asked them, why? I understand this is your dream and what you want, that is awesome and I respect that and cheer you on. But can you understand that that may not be what everyone in the entire world is looking for. Do you think that there are people in this world who are different and want different things? During every conversation I got the say appalled look at this point. They were each like, NO way, we are here to reproduce. Then I would be asked, why do you date? I was trying to explain, because it is fun and I like meeting new people and I like going out. Again, the cocked head and look of fear, they could not relate.
I kept saying things like, I understand your life and goal and dream, that is great. Can’t you just slightly understand my point, where I am coming from. Every single time, they would say things like, you will grow out of this or it just takes that one special person. I finally asked one of them, when you weren’t dating anyone, you said you were taking time for yourself and needed to figure out your life, was this true? Were you really being solo and could you understand wanting that solo feeling for life? This was the response, “I was completely lying about wanting to be solo. I was going on dates and could not find anyone good and needed to say something. All girls who use the ‘I don’t want anyone’ are lying. They all do and there is pressure from friends who do have boyfriends. We are 25 now and it is time to find the guy and settle down. I didn’t have anyone and knew everyone was looking at me in ‘that way’, so I used the ‘solo’ excuse till I found someone good. All girls do this Richie and even some guys.” I was speechless. My next question was, do you think everyone not in a relationship is jealous of the fact that you are? And the answer was, “Yes Richie. Come on, think about that. Everyone wants to be happy and find that person and I have it now. When I see people not with anyone, I feel bad for them and I know they are secretly jealous of me and my relationship and wish they were in it.”
This is when my head exploded and I had to run away. 4 different people, some guys and some girls, over the course of 2 months or so and all the same responses. This is why I like hanging out with the non-relationship people so much more and can relate to them and talk to them. I find them more open-minded and understanding. Now I will try to bring this back to the Wednesday night outing, those are my types of people. They are fun and happy and I can say anything to them and it is totally cool. One of the girls is even married, but breaks my rule of not wanting to hang with her because of this, she is awesome and is there for her friends, no matter what. Maybe this is because they are older?
In conclusion, if you are in a relationship or are a relationship person, please do not judge the people not in relationships. Everyone in this world is different and believe it or not, even as strange as it sounds, some people are not out looking for “the one”. I believe there are people in this world who are not meant to get married or even be in relationships. This does not mean they are weird or fucked up in the head, they are just different than you. Also, do not feel bad for them, because you think they are alone. They are not alone, they have other things in their lives that equal to your relationship. And these things are not fillers, something to replace or stand in for the fact they don’t have someone, these are things that are as equal as important/ time consuming as a relationship. Lastly, never EVER think that non-relationship people are jealous that you are in a relationship.
Disclaimer: This does not go for every single relationship person in the world, just the majority (in my eyes).
July 10th @ 1:11 PM - A PRETEND Story!
Has this ever happened to you? It is around 12:30 and you are sitting at your desk and you realize you are hungry. You decide to run downstairs and grab something to eat. As you are exiting the building, you notice the most amazing person in the world standing there and smoking. You are 100% captivated by this person and want to do something, but can’t. You walked directly towards them and stop two steps passed them. You have the debate in your head: should I say something, what do I say, don’t just walk away, maybe I should pick up my cell and pretend to make a phone call, I need to flash my badge to show that I work here, oh my gosh, do something now!
Then you hear, “Can you believe the cafeteria got broken into last night and is closed today?” Oh the excitement, you are being spoken to. You turn around and the perfectly, sculpted person is looking and talking to you. You smile and start up the convo about the cafeteria and shit. After a couple of Q&A’s back and forth, you look down for a second and hear, “Do you smoke?” What to say, how does one answer that question? I guess the truth would work, but come on people, this is a smoker talking to a non-smoker. If I said, NO, I would be finished and would have to immediately walk away with my head down. I quickly throw my hands in my pockets (looking for my non-existing cigarettes) and reply, “oh yeah, I can’t seem to find them, oh, I hate when I leave them upstairs.” The perfect person says, “Don’t worry about it, take one of mine.”
We stand there and smoke and chatter away and things seem good. Then you realize you have lied and really don’t smoke and do not want to start again. The convo ends, you walk away and get halfway down the block and realize, you didn’t even get there name. When you turn back to look at the person and they are starring back at you.
Hypathetical Situations are the coolest and I wish they happened everyday at lunch!
July 10th @ 9:47 AM – Happy Birthday Mac!
I sometimes sit and wonder, why? Why did I say that? Why do I remember that one line you said to me? Why do I care so much? This is for my new crush!
July 9th @ 1:47 PM - My NEW Relationship
Why am I so good at phone/ computer/ long distance relationships? I am in yet another one and am not sure how this all happened. For the last week or so, bam, the emails started and then the phone calls and now, this. It is still the happy, fun, everything is okay phase and we are learning everything about each other and want to talk like a million times a day. I am very good at these types of situations and happen to get in them all the time. It is not fair for the other person, they totally think I am this one type of person, but when we actually meet, things are not the same, nor good. I am not good at in-person dating and should solely stick to long distance dating or only hanging out with the person when fun times and alcohol can be had.
I am stopping this convo before Amtrak shows up and glues a large sticker to my ass that reads, “100% Train Wreck”.
July 8th @ 4:17 PM - Is Sex Power?
Today I decided to dress the part at work and see what would happen. I wore these awesome, new, flat front, perfectly fitted, dress Khaki’s, with a white, wife beater and a crisp, white see-threw type button-down over it. I kept the top two buttons undone, and the shirts were tucked in, with the matching brown shoes and belt. I was scared walking out of my apartment, but looked good.
Throughout the day, I had so many new people parade into my office and talk/ introduce themselves. I was very popular and was complimented numerous times. I decided to test this look and see if I could get people to help me out and do things that they are not responsible for. Well, it worked. I got one of the PR people to take my empty, large water bottle to the kitchen, fill it up and bring it back to me. I even got one of the accountants who was going to lunch downstairs, to bring a project I had finished up to the 36th floor to get one of my VP’s approval.
I was nice guy Richie and tested the world and everyone failed.
I then got tested by my favorite VP and completely failed. See, she is one of those high-powered businesswomen who uses her sex to get everything. The Story: The first time I met her, she came walking into my office and introduced herself and basically shoved her tits in my eyes. She proceeded to tell me I was the cutest guy she had ever seen and if she was 10 years younger, oh the things she would do to me. This has now become a joke in my team and people casually speak about the dirty things she wants to teach me.
Today she walked in and took one look and asked if I wanted to come over tonight? Mind you, everyone’s office doors around me are completely open, my office is in VP row, my head boss was standing in the hallway and she talks very loudly. I got all embarrassed and turned 50 colors red. She pointed out how cute it is that I blushed. My boss then walked in, so she moved closer towards me and came around my desk. As my boss spoke, she stood over me and put her hand inside my top few undone buttons and felt my chest. I couldn’t move. My boss looked at her and was like, you love this little kid don’t you? She replied, you better believe it, he is way to precious for his own good. She took her hand out of my shirt and they walked out talking and laughing about adult sex and business deals.
I ask again, “Is Sex Power?” I must say, sex is 100% power. If that VP were to ask me to clean the shit that leaked out of her underwear, off her chair, I would immediately. Even if they ran out of gloves, I still would do it and would be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not attracted to her at all, she is much older and not the type I look for. It is completely the power and the compliments that have me rapped around this situation.
She puts her sex out there and runs the world and has power over me. Sex is power!
July 7th @ 10:38 PM - Sunday is MY day!
I have had the most amazing last two days. I spent Saturday day, doing my stuff. I did what I wanted and when I wanted and it was all personal crap. I checked off so many things from the “Things to do in the Month of…” list.
Saturday night was the bbq. Can I ask, what did I freak out for? These people are the nicest and most hospitable people I have ever come in contact with. Tara set up a great event and even cooked massive slabs of pork (it tasted like she dug a pit in the back yard and slow roasted the entire pig over a low flame for 6 hours). And yes, I finally met the infamous Ben. He could have been the nicest person in America and I felt like the devil around him. He is one of those nice guys that balance’s me out. Seriously, someone would say something and I would be already with one of my evil one liners, but he would beat me to it, but with a phrase like, “Gosh, you are a wonderful person and smell like fresh cut flowers”. I would stand there and realize, this guy is unbelievably kind and I am Satan. I like having him around, he reminds me that there are genuinely good people out their and some are even from Pennsylvania.
Sunday…Sunday was MY day. I had one of my Richie Day’s and it was well needed. I started the day at the local laundry-mat and this is where I met Eddie. Eddie is a 6-year-old, Hispanic boy who asked me about 45 questions in 4 minutes flat. To list a few: Who do you like better, Pokeman or The Power Rangers? Why does your hair look wet? Why are your shorts too big? Why is your hair black and white? Why are you touching dirty underwear? Do you want to ride bikes? Do you want to be best friends?
I like little kids because they are 100% truthful and speak there mind. They tell it how it is and have no fear.
The rest of my day (about 5 hours) was spent in my favorite location in Manhattan- “The Financial District”. It was my favorite place growing up and still is and I will eventually live there. One can do everything and anything possible, in “the district”. I laid in the glass, in a park and looked up at the sky for about 30 minutes. I went shopping at “Century 21” and got some amazing deals. I went to “Mrs. Field’s” and bought Aimee a personal birthday cake. I made friends with one of the hot dog guys and he let me make my own dog. I sat with a few of the street CD salesmen and convinced them to give me free batteries. I played tourist and walked around in amazement of how large and close together the buildings are. I helped a family get back to their hotel. I played tour guide for a family visiting from Iowa. I went to my dad’s old building and sat on the bench I spent countless hours on, waiting for him. I spoke to a few of the cops and they took me behind the fences of the WTC site and I figured out where I was standing on 9.11 – one of the cops hugged me.
I use to spend day after day down there, but in the last 10 months, this was not happening. I needed this day! I love this city and nothing will ever change that. I am one of the biggest fans of lower Manhattan and know that area second to Chelsea (my old hood). It is everything about it – the power, the money, the convenience, the lifestyle, the access. The fact that that small, tiny area of the world, controls the entire planets economic structure, completely blows me away.
I love “The Financial District” and wish people would give it more of a chance, rather that just writing it off as a description of the title. I have a few select people out there that I want to show ‘my world’ to, I want them to experience what I know and see “the district” as. I want to share my secrets with them.
July 7th @ 9:22 AM - Vacations = Transportation
During the last four days, myself and Bessica have spent about 20 hours preparing/ planning to travel and travelling/ transporting from one place to the next. We are travelling masters!!!
I had the best Fourth of July! We went do to DC and had such a relaxing and fun time with friends. It could not have been more perfect. On the evening of the Fourth, we walked to Georgetown and decided to go to the waterfront (Potomac) and hang out at Tony and Joe’s. Within 15 minutes, we were one of the lucky ones and actually got a table. We sat there for hours, in the warm, breezy air and drank Corona’s, while talking and laughing. It was exactly what I was looking for/ needed - friends, beers, warmth, outside, a city, water and laughs.
Things I could have done without: the NO style DC guys, all wearing cargo shorts and A&F type shirts. The helicopters that were flying extremely low and would shoot over our heads every 30 minutes.
FUNNIEST “PRETEND” STORY, EVER: So, we sat there drinking for a few hours and after the fireworks and another drink, we decided to walk back to Charles’ apartment. (Bessica and I are the biggest walkers in America and when you get a few drinks in us, we could power walk the country.) We realized we were all hungry, since none of us ate dinner and stopped at Burger King (one of the only things open). While on a very long line, this girl constantly spoke about the toy in the Kids Meal. She was so excited about it and would walk back and forth between the large Men in Black II display and us and say, “I want it.” It was finally her turn and she ordered her kids meal and had this look of great anticipation on her face. (She kind of looked like a little kid on Christmas morning, waiting the last, largest present.) The 14-year-old, puberty counter worker handed her the food and toy and she took one step to the side and proceeded to open her bagged toy. Her face dropped and she yelled, “Excuse me, excuse me, where is my Universal Communicator? Where is it? I want the Universal Communicator!” The poor working papers worker had no idea what to say or what she meant or anything. He was faced with this drunken girl who was getting pretty loud and demanding a Universal Communicator. He then realized it was the toy she wanted and quickly looked in another box and could find nothing. He then broke the news to her and I thought she was either going to cry or kill him (mostly because she didn’t believe him and thought he was holding out on her). Now picture this story NOT being pretend and that “the girl” is none other than Bessica. It could have been the funniest thing I have EVER seen in my entire life.
Do you know what makes me happy? When you bump into an old archenemy from college and they look horrible. While sitting on the river and enjoying my friends, this guy named Warfield walked up and began to talk to Charles. (See, they were friends in college and in the same frat.) I almost lost it. I could not believe this was the same guy I went to school with. We hated each other back then and every time we saw each other, we would have this horrible fake convo and basically try to tell each other off and then storm off. Well, he got fat and looked like shit and I was/ still am the happiest kid in America.
July 3rd @ 10:49 AM - And Then There Was One!
I was told that my self-pity, insecurity bit is way too melodramatic and not appropriate for my image/ personality.
I must say, I do agree with this person and now I apologize to the world for my lack of “Richie” while writing “The Barbecue” entry yesterday. I have no real excuse, except for maybe one thing, the heat. I do love it, but it has been so hot in NYC for the last 2 weeks that things are getting a little crazy. (Ex- my male menstruation yesterday)
I have no REAL concern for the event this weekend, actually, I am really looking forward to it. I know what is going to happen, I will make my entrance and rule-the-school. I will walk in, take names and kick ass, all without even thinking or breaking a sweat. And while I am there, if someone doesn’t agree with me and bite the bate – you know what TIME it is!
Peace and get - - the - - fuck out!
I think I am going to go strut up and down 5th Avenue and let all the puppies and kittens chase after me…
July 3rd @ 6:07 AM – HAPPY BIRTHDAY KTJ!!!
I need to propose a question, would you date someone, solely for one reason and one reason only? And that one thing can not and is not sex. I am talking about something you physically want or need, more like an object. Basically, something that will completely better your life.
The Story: someone just recently asked me out that usually I might not go out with. I don’t really have a specific type, but I have more of a mold I generally stick with. This person kind of fits the mold, but kind of doesn’t, so I was originally up in the air. Then I started thinking about it and it is a night out with someone new, good food and drinks and an interesting story. So I thought I would just go, but then I was like, do I have the time to waste on this person? I bounced back and forth a few times until I spoke to the connection person between us, a friend of a friend.
During the convo I found out that this person lives on the Upper East Side in a large doorman building. I immediately thought of two things: it is convenient for me to get there and back home and most importantly, they have air-conditioning. Seriously, if they live in a doorman building on the Upper East, they 100% definitely sleep comfortably each night with cool, processed air flying around the room. I want that! I had that, but gave it up to live in “The Land of the Bohemian”.
Back to the original question: Would you date someone for a personal 'want', which would improve your life? Is sex worth air-conditioning?
For me, with this situation, I am going to have to go with, yes. I am completely serious when I say that I am going to date this person for the rest of the summer. And I am not just talking, going on dates, but actually date them. I will create this entire relationship where we spend like 5 nights a week together, all of which at this persons place. Yes, the relationship will be completely fake and I will only be in it for the air-conditioning/ peaceful night of sleep in a room full of filtered air. Maybe this is mean, but oh well. Everyone knows, I do not like to date people for more than a month. If this person is going to be so stupid to fall into this, then they deserve to be crushed. They could easily figure me out by asking one question, “So, are any of your ex’s from serious relationships around?” And, it is not like it is forever, it is for the next 2 months. I can be nice, sweet, happy Richie and do the relationship thing, if it means air-conditioning throughout the rest of the hottest summer in NYC.
I am going for it and will be setting up our first date for sometime next week. This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful sleeping schedule, I mean, relationship.
July 2nd @ 7:17 PM - The Barbecue
Richie, simmer down. Don’t get all worked up over this, relax, sim-mer. You can handle it, I have faith in you.
Disclaimer: I never, or try not to, directly write about people that I know will be reading this page. I will casually mention friends/ relatives, but never flat out disrespect someone I care about in this type of forum. I think of myself bigger than that and if I have an issue, I’m coming to get you. This entry will be slightly different. I will be talking about people that I like and care about and that I know will be reading this people. Nothing I will be saying will be bad, mainly because I have nothing bad to say about all these people (they are pretty badass). I just need to be logical and write it out and process the thoughts via my computer scene. I have been thinking threw it for a few days and it is not working, I am running in circles.
The Story: So I get invited to this barbecue on this coming Saturday. I instantly get very excited about it and start my calendar countdown. When I first heard about the event, I obviously didn’t give much thought to the guest list or anything like that. I thought, cool, a b-b-q with friends and beer and in a relaxing town in Jersey, nice…
Soon after, Bessica brings up the event and starts shooting out names of people I will be meeting for the first time. I freaked out and immediately thought, what am I going to wear and I will need to eat a full meal before I go and I can only consume 2 beers. (See, I know myself in these types of situations, I don’t eat, I can’t eat and if I drink to much, I become out-of-control, crazy Richie and that is pretty draining for everyone around me.) Relax Richie, no need to get worked up.
I have been friends with Bessica for years and in the past year, I have become friends with her friends, so now they are my friends too. This barbecue is being hosted and participated by friends of mine, but who were the original Bessica friends. This is not the issue and I am trying to get to it, but need to explain. This has nothing to do with the people that are going to be there that I have met and hung out with before, it has to do with other people. The people that I have been hearing about for some time now (a few of them it has been years of hearing stories and never meeting them). I would be completely fine if I was meeting like one person, but I am meeting them all, at once. They all know each other and I am the “mystery”, I am the odd man out.
Bessica mentions one person’s name and I was like, I can’t meet this person, and I can never meet this person. I have been hearing about this person for 7 years now and I have a person I have created in my head. I have taken all the stories and descriptions and built who this person is, to me. Now I will walk up to them and be like, “Hi, I’m Richie”. I have a feeling that no one is going to be how I created he or she.
The scariest part: So I have been preparing myself for this day for the last few days and then Bessica drops the big one. She is all casual and is like, “yeah, I bet Marie’s brother is going to be there.” I stuttered and immediately ran to my cell and called the party host to ask. I have heard so much about all of these people, including the brother. I can picture what will happen.
The Party: I walk in, trying to be all tuff and make my big entrance, but end of tripping over the stupid cat that is in my way. I quickly slide around the room, saying hi to old friends and finally meeting the “faceless” mysteries. I get to the ex-boyfriend and I spill my entire beer on him. I then try to run off, but bump into the brother. (I have heard that the brother could be the nicest person in America, but also the smartest man alive and will think circles around my slow, neurotic brain.) The intro will be done and he will start talking to me about something I have NO idea about and I will stand there and smile, shake the head up and down and perfectly time the placement of “yeah”, “I agree”, and then I will slip and “totally” will escape my mouth. I will have a breakdown (in my head) and for the rest of the conversation, be thinking, how could you just say totally to the smartest person in America. You are not a 12-year old school girl Richie. I can’t believe you. Then I will realize I have not been paying attention, but it really doesn’t matter because I couldn’t understand or follow the convo before the “totally” incident. Then I will realize, it is quiet and he has been waiting for me to respond/ answer the question that was proposed to me, but I wasn’t listening, I have NO idea what to say.
Out of my mouth will come either: “Do you like my shirt?” or “Those are really, super cool shoes, where did you get them?” The convo will again be silent and I will get “the look” and I will turn away, scream really loud and run to Bessica. I will push her in the mud and get pissed that she didn’t censor me and I will run back to the train station, NEVER looking back at the b-b-q I just horribly destroyed for myself.
This is why I am nervous for Saturday. It is not social anxiety or anything like that, usually I am extremely good in large crowds. But when it is crowds that I kind of know/ have heard of for years and am finally meeting, I know I will screw everything up and mess up the entire thing.
By definition, I am a “train-wreck” and sometimes it shows.
PS- To make things worse, I tried to schedule a haircut for tomorrow, but was unsuccessful. Now I have to wait till next week, after the b-b-q, after the day I meet the “only in stories” people. Shit, this sucks, I do not want to be shaggy, poor grooming procedures Richie.
Continuing from the Weekend – Sunday Afternoon/ Evening – The Parade
I went to the Village to meet one of my friends and watch the Pride Parade. What an experience. I go every year and am completely entertained by the costumes, the floats and the chaos. This year seemed more out-of-control than usual. My friend and I went to visit another friend who was working the “glaad” table and also to see her brother, who was in the parade or pretending he was in the parade. We got so caught up in the crowd, that we couldn’t do anything. We finally made it over to a quiet area, but could not get out of that. We were completely surrounded and basically stayed there for about an hour, till things settled down.
This is the part I become an object and not a real person: I had an older, heavyset man walk up to me and try to take my nipple with him. He grabbed and pulled and then smiled and walked off, saying nothing. Then I had some guy try to have sex with my back with his hand. I am still not sure what he was doing or trying to do or anything, but something was happening. Twisting, pulling, holding- all on my lower back, for like 5 consecutive minutes. He would not let off of me and finally I pushed him around me and walked behind him. The comments were everywhere and I actually got referred to as a “biscuit”. This was my highlight of the day, mostly because every female I know uses the word “biscuit” to describe desirable guys they want. As I walked by these guys, one of them looked right at me and said to his friends, “That’s a biscuit”. I also got the multiple rub-byes. The “I’m going to walk to close to you for the sole reason of rubbing my package/ crotch up against your leg”.
The funniest part of the day: I got completely told off, for NO reason and did nothing. My friend and I were the only two people walking down this random street and these two guys were sitting on a bench. We were chattering away and having a grand old time. As we crossed in front of them, the one says, “um hum, what I could do to him”. The other replies with, “um no, to skinny for me”. I stopped walking and just stood there for a second trying to process what happened. I wasn’t even doing anything and just got told off. I looked at no one and said nothing and I glanced at my friend and asked if she was listening to this? She laughed and said, “yes”. I then proceeded to tell them that I could hear them and I was not standing on the opposite side of the street, I was next to them while they walked about it. They didn’t care and I knew they had wanted me to hear. Bastards! I then ran off and fled north.
I can now say I know what it is like to be a girl at a club or on a dance floor. I know how it feels when guys slide in and totally violate space. I had countless crotches jammed into me and it did not feel good. I was not speaking to anyone and guys just came up and shoved it all over the place. Why do guys do this? I am not only directing this to gay men at the Pride Parade, this is a general question for all guys? Every time we go out dancing, I watch as multiple men approach my girl friends and do “the dick” dance all over them. Grinding the package into the girls ass and hips and basically slapping them in the forehead with it. I have never given it much thought till this weekend. I know for a fact, I do NOT do this. I am not that kind of guy/ dancer. I keep my shit to myself and do not throw it around at unexpected passerby’s.
In conclusion: I left the Pride Parade feeling slightly dirty (yes, this could have just been because I was wearing flip-flops and had garbage tied around my feet), but also because of the constant poking. I have decided that any man, gay or straight, who ever does this again to any unexpected person, should have there balls cut off. And I am talking about immediately, right in front of everyone to see. My opinion: keep it to yourself, unless there is a blatant invite to unleash the beast.
July 2nd @ 8:46 AM – Reading With Richie
Since I did so well with reading the last book, I have decided to try another one. I have been searching amazon and checking the top seller’s list, but nothing was standing out at me. (Secretly, I was thinking about getting the second book in “Reading with Ripa”, insert laugh.) Anyway, Bessica came home on Sunday night with a surprise for me. I ran up to my room and low and behold, a book was on my bed. I got very excited and wanted to immediately read the entire thing, but decided to wait.
This was my favorite book from when I was a kid and actually, the only book I read cover to cover. I loved it and still do.
This morning, while on my 4 minute subway ride to work, I decided it was time to unveil my prize to the world. I was standing amongst business people all reading “The Journal” or very thick/ adult-type books. I opened it up and began to read and must have had a grin from ear to ear.
People all around me were starring and making faces, until the women next to me strikes up a convo:
Lady: So, are you enjoying your book?
Me: Yes I am, thank you for asking.
Lady: Have you ever read that before?
Me: Actually yes, it is one of my all-time favorites from my childhood.
Lady: How old are you?
Me: 25, why?
Lady: Because my son is 25 and that was his favorite book in the 6th grade.
Me: (Beginning to freak out and get really loud) Me too! I read this book in 6th grade and loved it. Do you know if he has read it recently?
Lady: I don’t think so.
Me: You need to send him a copy today. Reading it now is completely giving me a different perspective on things and I am also reliving my childhood. I honestly feel like I am back in the 6th grade and have no concern for anything. I want to ditch work today and sit in the grass, with the sun beaming and just read. I feel like I am 12 again, completely carefree and my largest worry is the spelling quiz I have on Friday.
Lady: As soon as I get to work this morning, I am getting on Amazon and sending him a copy.
Me: He is going to be so excited. (I start to walk off the train) Have a great day!
Lady: You too Billy, be careful.
Me: (Thinking: did she just call me Billy? I wonder if Billy is her son? Billy is a lucky guy.)
What a weekend I had, it was so much fun/ productive, yet tiring and I need a nap. It all started with Friday, please check back to last month (6.28) and read the adventure of Bessica & Richie – shopping and white-trash CARNIE-VALS…
Saturday morning could have been one of my most productive mornings, yet to date. I woke up early and did 1 million things I needed to get done in the apartment, in the bathroom and around town. Meanwhile, I was suppose to be at my friends pool, relaxing in the sun, drinking a beer and eating hot dogs, before “the big” wedding. I decided that I would just end up showing up in the afternoon and do what I needed to do that day. At about 1:20 PM, while leaving Brooklyn too finally head over to Northern Jersey, I got a frantic phone call. All I heard, “I fucked up, the wedding starts at 4 and not 7. We are screwed!!!” I immediately start laughing, not much I could do at this point and weddings are boring anyway and so what if I miss the first half an hour.
I subway to Times Square and cab to the pier on the West Side Highway and jump on the ferry to Weehawken. (Okay, this sounds normal, but I am not able to get on boats. Seriously, I have never been able to walk on a boat and walk off, without getting sick all over everyone.) Since I was late for a wedding, I decided to suck it up and do the fastest form of transportation, the ferry. I made it to my friend’s place exactly at 3 and I had 15 minutes to shower, get dressed (including tie, suit, shine shoes) and gel the hair. I am proud to say, I did it! We ran out of her house at 3:16 and got to the wedding at 3:58.
The Wedding: Oh my, oh my, is all I can say. What a wedding! It was picture-esc and absolutely perfect. The wedding was outside and behind the country club, which was two doors down from Whoopi’s house. They had built this pier type platform for this wedding, which extended out over the large, beautiful lake. They performed the ceremony at the end of the platform, so they were completely over water. We sat and watched the event, while the sun was setting and reflecting off the water, which sparkled around them and behind the lake were these perfectly sculpted mountains with castles set in them. (My description did not do it justice.) The large ice sculptures were everywhere and were used as massive vases for the exotic flowers. Cool side item: there was a waterfall that could not been seen from the angle we sat at, but you could hear the light sound in the background. My friend, the bride, looked absolutely perfect and amazing and I was so proud and happy for her. While he spoke to her during the ceremony, she looked back at him with such passion and adoring love, it was kind of neat to see. The cocktail hour was on this large terrace that circled half the building and over looked the waterfall. Then the reception was in the country club and my favorite part was the band. They had a 20-person band, which at times made me feel like I had paid admission to watch an amazing symphony. The band was made up of 4 singers, 12 string instruments, a saxophone, a trumpet, a grand piano, and a small set of drums. The entire event was perfect and I had a great time. I met a lot of cool people and talked the talk. The country club folk are very easy to get along with, besides they were all extremely drunk half way through it and I was not. I stayed sober and enjoyed my surroundings.
My dad picked me up and when I got to my rent’s house, my older sister and her husband were there and we all sat around the living room, talking and drinking fresh iced tea. We have not done that in so long, it usually only happens on Christmas Eve, when we are all together. This was one of those nights where someone would say how tired he or she were every 5 seconds, but no one wanted to go to bed or have the talking stop.
My little sister came home at like 3 AM and when we all got up, we had a full family breakfast, even the dogs sat with us. We sat around the table and all talked at once, completely about different things and no one listened to anyone else. This is my family. Constant talking and no replying to anyone or even caring about what they are saying.
Then my dad and I drove back to my apartment and installed the blinds, the massive, amazing blinds. I am giving Martha Stewart a run for her money!
I need to take a break and will come back with the rest of my weekend, including the fun events in the Village. Setting up the next section: me at the Pride Parade, you can only imagine???
July 1st @ 9:58 AM -
Midnight in the Garden of Good vs. Evil
I finally installed the blinds yesterday afternoon and they are great. The apartment was so cool last night and they kept out the sun and heat. My dad and I brought one of his tall ladders back to my apartment and it took a good hour to get them up and working.
After we got all 6 installed, I ran up to the second floor and it was completely dark. It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon and it seemed like it was midnight. I then dubbed the second floor of the apartment as, “Midnight in the Garden of Good vs. Evil”. In case you were wondering, Bessica and myself live upstairs. The two of us, Good vs. Evil, who is who? Is Bessica good or am I the good one? I think we all know the truth on this topic, nice try Bessica.
