"Broken hearts want broken necks
i've done some things that I want to forget, but I can't
Broke my pace and ran out of time
sometimes i'm so full of shit, it should be a crime..."
- issac from M.M.
NOTE: sorry the page is getting so long, but I can't seem to operate the archive function. And what's up with the huge space on the top????
Tuesday, August 16, 2000
3:40 pm
I was in a good mood today...
Until... Ariana was screaming and screaming and I went out to get the mail and POW!!! The hospital bill came. The insurance was only picking up $559.00 out of almost 3 grand. The bill was twice as high because I had to have an emergency c-section at the last minute. So now I am in the middle of a goddamn financial mess again.
The sad thing is, this is all interlinked to something that happened waaay back in '98. Here's the timeline:
summer of '98 - husband and I having troubles, I hang out with male co-worker more than I should have and to save my marriage, I end up leaving my job.
zoom to spring of '99 - I have been out of work since Oct. '98 and temping here and there. Husband decides to quit job that he had been at for approx. 3 years. We leave on a cross-country road trip for a month in june.
August of '99 - Get back from trip. I get dream job at local Humane Society in Michigan but only making $5.15 an hour. Husband does not work. Decide that we are moving to Minneapolis in fall/winter.
September of '99 - Unknowingly conceive a child.
October of '99 - I work two jobs to pay bills and have some extra cash. Husband does not work. Too tired, so quit night job. Take PG test and suddenly have a life altering decision breathing down by neck.
November of '99 - Debate having child over and over and over to myself. Husband leaves for Minneapolis on Thanksgiving. Make an appt. for abortion after speaking with counselor. Never show up for appt., as I keep picturing the little figure on the ultrasound.
See below for incidents leading up to my coming back to Michigan and having the pixie, A.K.A. Ariana.
August of '00 - Get hospital bill and feel oneself having a slow breakdown yet again.
Now I just have to not let myself stew over the past and not regret and decisions that have been made as they cannot be changed. Besides, the trip we went on was the best thing that has ever happened to me besides meeting the baby that had lived inside of me for 9 months.
Saturday, August 12th, 2000
10:23pm
I would like to know how a baby can wake up every morning and be in a good mood. Is she on some kind of breastmilk created drug??
Waking up happy only happens to me *maybe* five times a year. Though I might just be naturally grumpy, my husband seems to think so.
Went used clothes shopping and finally find another pair of pants to wear. Now my total is 3 pairs of pants and 2 pairs of overalls cut into shortalls. I refuse to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe because, DAMMIT I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS POST PREG. WEIGHT!!!
Besides, everytime I go shopping I end up buying the pixie some clothes. Speaking of her - she finally sleeps through the night. Time to celebrate!!
I had another of my "Omigod, there is no way out of this" freakouts yesterday. I will admit that, yes, I had considered abortion when I found out I was PG. Hell, I even had the appointment set. I thought it might be the right choice due to some situations in my life. But, I just could not go through with it.
I am very much PRO-CHOICE, but I just couldn't do it. I guess part of me was and still is afraid of growing up in this way. It is a very difficult thing to handle sometimes knowing that this little person is totally dependent on you and will be in your life now until you die. Well, I can look at it this way - 2 months down, MANY, MANY more to go.
On a happier note, we finally got some new CD's:
DISCOUNT's last release
QUOTIXE - A band out of K-zoo in Michigan
764-HERO's newest release
I was debating on getting LeTigre - Kathleen Hanna's new project but I decided to wait on that one. I wasn't in the mood.
We have yet to get the new Modest Mouse, although we already have half the songs on Mp3 anyway, so I guess there is no hurry.
Thursday, August 9th, 2000
5:29 pm
I passed a dime on the floor as I was leaving a store the other day. I started to spin around and pick it up, force of habit I guess, but I stopped myself.
Now, if it had been 5 months ago, I would have grabbed it and scanned the floor for more. I was 4-5 months PG, starting out in a new city and due to high rent and the fact that I hadn't been able to find work yet, had very little money left for food and other basic needs. For the first time in my life I had to get government assistance for my medical care, which I was very unhappy about. I have always prided myself on being independent and able to take of my needs and wants.
All that aside, I know that no matter what, we did the right thing by moving. Sure, we used lawn chairs for furniture for about 3 months, I ate a lot of mac and cheese for dinner, but I feel that, at times, it brought my husband and I closer together and we learned who our real friends were of the roommates we had.
One day, this spring, I called my hubby from work and he said "I've got a surprise for you.". I thought to myself, "yay, he finally bought some of those beatiful wildflowers from Lunds". He walked me home from work, telling me about the small promotion that he had gotten at his new job, and when we walked into the apt., there was a COUCH!! No more backaches for me!! He and our roommate Larry had found it in the alley a couple of blocks down and lugged it back and up the stairs for us. From there things only got better. It was spring, and I couldn't have felt better. We were able to actually go out to Little T's for nachos and enchiladas and to Little Jeruselum's for medaterrainen food (Ariana was kicking me hard after that stuff!)
So anyway, Chad and Larry, if you are reading this, thanks again.
Monday, August 7th, 2000
9:56 pm
I was thinking this morning about the job I was working this winter, how I missed interacting with so many different types of people in just one day. I was training to be a pharmacy tech., but ended up on the register most of the time.
The one I worked at was in the gay neighborhood and our pharmacy had the highest number of HIV infected patients in the city. I didn't give it much thought at the time, but it's pretty sad to think that alot of my regular customers could be dead by now. Until I worked there, I never really gave much thought to HIV, in general. I have only "been" with one person, my husband, and I grew up in a small rural town, so this helped me understand it a bit more. I have to say, most of those guys are keeping a positive attitude and living it up.
It was a great experience to meet all these different people. I helped old russian guys, rich "I live on the lakes" people, Bobby "Don't worry, be happy" Mcferrian's wife was a regular, as was the man that runs Dayton's and Targets gopher boy, friday nights were big for condoms and refills on birth control, last minute protection for the big night.
And wouldn't you know, aside from HIV medications, our biggest sellers were anti-depressents and STD medications.
This is going nowhere, so i'll shut up. :)
Sunday, August 6th, 2000
1:06 pm
Nothing much new here. I joined Epinions to earn some extra pocket change. Yes, it's desperate, I know...
I would like to go back to my job at the Humane Soc. but I also don't want to put Ariana in day care and furthermore, I have to drive there, so gas would be yet another extra nonsense expense. Decisions, decisions...
Also, I need to put a disclaimer on the photobooth picture:
It was taken when I was 8 1/2 months PG, so that is why my face is chubbed out. Okay,my hubby says I just look crazy!! :<
Friday, August 4th, 2000
2:03 pm
I'm feeling very frustrated with being a mom today. Every night for the last few weeks she has been going through a 1 to 2 hour crying spree and I just can't take it. I can't wait until that stage comes to an end. I just now finally got her to sleep somewhere but my arms for a nap. Everytime I lay her down her eyes pop open.
We have been looking over the job market in Seattle/Olympia area and Portland area again. We would really like to be living there before it is time for her to start school. So, we have 5 years to get our shit together so we can do more than just talk about it.
On the note of making some internet "pals", I decided that I would check out Ericka of Pander Zine Distro as we live in the same city and I also found a hip mama looking for some pen pals and she also has a pita. We'll see...
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2000
7:50 pm
I've been sitting here with the girl, looking at everyone's pita's...does everyone know each other? or just talk like they do?? i want some pita pals...(wah) :<
anyway, i have writers block (husband peering at screen).
I checked out jeffery's page for the first time in about six months. that's a shame about someone stealing his page name.
Been listening to dillinger four alot lately. just missed seeing them may 23rd at the foxfire in Minneapolis. i left the city the day before to come back to Michigan for maternity leave.
Tuesday, August 1st, 2000
7:29 pm
my husband and i were watching howard stern last night for some reason and i've concluded that he is everything that is wrong with men today. along with pricks like rush limbaugh. and don't even get me started about the fact that republicans are all over the presidential ballots....
cheap living
our bank account is getting closer and closer to $0.00. :< yuck, what a crappy feeling. anyone have a get rich quick scheme???
Monday, July 31st, 2000
10:38pm
this girl has cool vintage clothes on e-bay for cheap!
great for poor girls like me...
Ariana gave me my one night of sleep last night...she keeps me up the rest of the time fussing and crying.
a pita by another Michigan native.
escape while you still can!!
Sunday, July 30th, 2000
11:20 pm
I checked out some cams today: I want to move here.
bob's java hut
one of the better places to get coffee in Minneapolis - check it out...
alright, i'm fucking all this goddamn html up!!! this shite is pissing me off. i've had it!!!!
