|
10.43pm :: Tues, 2 April 02
np: Boa + Koda Kumi - "The Meaning of Peace" / mOOd: alright
I think I've finally made up my mind about classes... I got into English Honors, for one (after being #14 on the waitlist TWICE already), and didn't wake up to the comm/jap language studies class this morning. So I'll end up with Eng, Atmospheric Science (hmm), Macroeconomics, History, and maybe Asian-Am Lit, tho the teacher is pretty much brainless (ironically her last name is "Brainard")...
What else...? School is keeping me busy... I feel much better. Angie's mom bought me an egg crate for my bed, yay, and I've already spent $220 for books for only two classes. Other than that and midnight boba runs (and Japanese horror stories) not much else has been going on. *phew* Who knew?
12.23am :: Mon, 18 Mar 02
np: *rattle* / mOOd:
Overly dramatic. Clingy. Pushy. Selfish. Prone to throwing tantrums. Angsty. Greedy. Hopeless. Undecided.
Next quarter will be fun, I think... I'm taking 22 units (5 classs) and interning for ACA, maybe APC, being stupid and going out with JSA, maybe a sport, maybe some dance or vocal lessons... Maybe saving time to sleep. On top of that I can't bring myself to write last week's essay...
I want to go home, and back to about three years ago when I still didn't know any better.
1.50am :: Thurs, 14 March 02
np: Olivia - "Dress Me Up" / mOOd: occupied :)
Mad schedule-planning headache. I have Tuesdays and Thursdays to deal with - I used my priority enrollment to sign up for a Comm Studies class (on "genderlects", the difference between the way men and women speak) and because of it settled for a sub-par Econ lecturer... Now I don't particularly want to take the Comm Studies, and a Design class on "Form" in its place... But this means I can switch to English 4, a stepping stone onto more English classes... Should I wait for the Honors section in the fall though? Decisions, decisions. So far I'm in Comm Studies and an Asian-Am Lit class. There aren't high expectations for either, though... Oh well. */whine*
Other than that...mad paper-writing. I like feeling busy... I think it keeps my mind occupied with what I have to do next, whirring and spinning the gears until all of the machinery collapses in one giant scrap pile. It's still early in the morning... Maybe I'll do some work, for once.
3.15am :: Mon, 11 Mar 02
np: Jacky Cheung - "So Close, Yet So Far" / mOOd: discontent
Another plain Sunday, unadorned by the "business" of the week and the pointlessness of weekends... What's wrong with bubble-gum pop? If we gave up all hope there wouldn't be much point to life... but that's just me.
I'm planning my summer out. With not many people around, I'll have to keep myself busy, or at least more occupied than I find myself here. I'm looking for internships, part-time work (not on-base), volunteer work, friends to hang out with... If anyone has any info, that'd be great. I guess this will be the turning point, not so much like September last year when I supposedly "left" the island for college... I'm still there, a big part of me is still stuck in Oki...
Other than that, I'm supposed to be going back to Malaysia with my parents, for a little less than a month, maybe more if my dad has his way. I think the monotony of the island would be much better to deal with than going back to Malaysia, though... Sometimes I wonder (while trying to refrain from being stuck-up or standoffish)... Do you know what it's like to be thrown into an environment where you're completely helpless, at a loss for words and struggling with thoughts you've never had to wrestle before in your life? Or how must it feel to be a non-native linguist, proficient in the poetics of your language but unable to utter a simple greeting in another?
I think the worst part is realizing that this what you're supposed to call "home"... To all of the immigrants out there, my heart goes out to you.
1.55am :: Fri, 1 Mar 02
np: K's Choice - "Only Dreaming" / mOOd: contemplative :P
You know... Everyone has their own likes, dislikes, ideosyncrasies and quirks, and sometimes I wonder why we enjoy reading about them. I think I've mentioned before that I never really understood LiveJournals - cos so far they've given me nothing but heartache. All this talk of "depression" and "suicide", being left out or left alone, having nowhere/no-one to turn to, believing (or refusing to believe)... Somehow it seems like it'd all be better left unsaid. It just kind of disturbs me to have all this thrust about on the internet, with loose ends trying to tie themselves up ("I didn't mean that, but this..." / "It's just my opinion, out of many...") and both people know they've never really come to a resolution, just a few random HTML markups within actual talking distance. But...I guess nowadays everyone is so careful to keep themselves guarded, safe from being hurt in an environment where nothing is stable... And that's the only way to do it. Throw your thoughts online, then; I guess we'll have to deal with wondering who the "you" and "him" and "her" in others' blogs are... and then fights, revelations, blood and guts washed away by tears on MSN... The Children of the Internet Era are connected to each other by wires. *sigh* Maybe we don't need robots anymore...
That aside, the good part about the Internet is FREE MUSIC. I've filled up about 75% of my computer (Tangentially <-- a word I learned in "English" class here at UCLA *sigh* --> did you know that you use up 75% (of the 5% of your brain that stores info) by the time you're 7? So ten years later you're struggling to cram all that usless AP/SAT/ACT info into about 1.25% of your brain.) with random music videos and tons of mp3s... Ahh... the things you learn in college. Funny thing tho, I remembered how to use all the commands on mIRC (a chat program I used in middle school) for some reason... Ahh... memories. :)
If anyone's interested who/what the above was inspired by, feel free to msg me. I'll tell you names...
Go on, you know you wanna ;) I'm curious as to who reads this blog anyway...
1.07pm :: Wed, 27 Feb 2002
np: K's Choice - "Virgin State of Mind" / mOOd: tired
I'm sick again. This virus won't go away. :'( So if I am perfectly capable of going online, eating, and sitting up, but it will take me an hour to walk to a class ten minutes away, do I really need to go?
Who do you talk to late at night, when there's nothing but crickets and a worn-down candle to keep you company...?
4.03am :: Mon, 18 Feb 02
np: Onitsuka Chihiro - "infection" / mOOd: disheartened
"In the night I sit down
as if I'm dead..."
It's been about a year or so since I've kept up writing in this blog, and sometimes I wonder why I still do. Maybe some of you still read it, maybe not... I know you do. I know you've been there, indirectly or otherwise... and as you are always responsive I just want to say that this time "you"is a collective term directed on a different path than yours...
I guess I've come to the realization that my parents have been right all along. No one knows you better than those who judge you... Isn't it kind of true that only they can see past your faults and attributes?
Six intervals you've been here, light and dark - I'm not part of your kind of life. You are still unexplained to me, a riddle better left unsolved... But in seeing you I realize that it's all the same... Even then you and I were never familiar; we never had that kind of togetherness that brings "normal" people together... But even then I could never say no - something I can't bring myself to say even now... It seems like my whole life has revolved around obligations and expectations, self-imposed no less (this makes it ten times worse), so when you say that your moments of happiness are fleeting... I'm supposed to fill the gaps, right?
If you've never been taught no, you can never say it...
3.22am :: Tues, 29 Jan 02
np: Onitsuka Chihiro - "infection" / mOOd: blinded
Four a.m. diagnosis: self-induced doses of pity, anger, fear, followed by drunken bouts of solace, and weak spaztic fits. Need more pills.
Of all times, you picked now to pop back up - your name still flashes blind in the night - I don't know if I want to sleep now - I don't know if I want to talk to you - I don't know what to say... I'm sure something will rear it's ugly head...which is exactly what scares me. Well, be first, take the initative... How are you? How is everything? Are you well? Do you enjoy your life now? What is it like on the other side of the fence? Here we go again...
And like everyone else, I question my importance to you, like they might do in relation to me - I treasure all of you equally, "just in different ways" - trite but true. Do you still think of me? Don't tell me. I shouldn't know.
"Watashi ha konnani yowakunatta darou?" = Have I really become this weak?
12.10am :: Mon, 29 Jan 02
np: Onitsuka Chihiro - "cage" / mOOd: :|
Another Monday, and I'm waiting for Saturday to come all over again. I thought college was supposed to be a blast, an unending cycle of fun that made it the best years of your life...
I could not be totally miserable here, living for JSA events and meetings with other disconcerted Japanese living in Los Angeles but tangled in the web of UCLA. But I need structure; I want something to do from 7-5, and friends to do it with, something other than reading books on Nietzsche and lesbian hetero-phone sex workers for art class. Sometimes I think I've been thrown into that class by chance because of the way I write now, obscured and ambiguous by vague references - the introduction to Stone's The War of Desire and Technology (which is supposed to be somewhat significant) reads:
"It started this afternoon when I looked down at my boots. I was emerging from a stall in the women's room in my department. The university was closed for the holidays... I was idly adjusting my clothing, thinking of nothing in particular, when I happened to look down, and there they were: My boots. Two completely unremarkable boots. They were right where they belonged, on the ends of my legs. Presumably my legs were inside.
"I felt a sudden thrill of terror."
Is it just me, or is there absolutely no sense to what the hell she's saying? The rest of the passage continues on to explicate the "ordinariness" of her boots - I vaguely recall paying Fifteen-Dollars-and-Ninety-Five-Cents for this book - WHY?
Other than blind reading for such a class (the scope of which even the professor isn't sure), I amuse myself by walking around, lonely, in Santa Monica amongst the passers-by who still always seem to be going somewhere...
Savage Garden - "Santa Monica"
In Santa Monica, in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In Santa Monica, you get your coffee from
The coolest places on the promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable
Everywhere you turn, it’s there
I sit and wonder what am I doing here?
I never felt so lonely
Never felt so out of place
I never wanted something more than this
I still think it's tacky to copy and paste song lyrics, but this is probably the best way to reinforce what's here. Hey, he thinks so too. He's a billionaire.
1.35-1.45am :: Thurs, 24 Jan 02
np: PENICILLIN - "Romance" / mOOd: tired
Sleep never comes easily when everything is still... Intransience bothers me, I suppose. But that's what you've got to work with... Every day it's the same old shit, and nothing stops it from hitting the fan.
Day in, day out. Geez.
|
|
|
|
|
