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1.14pm :: Mon, 22 Jan 02
How cool.
"I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Ireland around the year 1475. Your profession was that of an artist, magician or fortune teller.
"Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Bohemian personality, mysterious, highly gifted, capable to understand ancient books. With a magician's abilities, you could have been a servant of dark forces.
"The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your task is to learn, to love and to trust the universe. You are bound to think, study, reflect, and to develop inner wisdom."
9.27am :: Mon, 21 Jan 02
np: Hamasaki Ayumi - "still alone" / mOOd: -
Last night I woke up to see if you were around
Like I always do,
Hopelessly following something that is magical in you
Some glimmer that attracts me to you, makes you so wonderful
But you're never there...
And where was I when you wanted me?
...chasing after other foolish dreams...
So I can only stop to wonder what I'm missing right now.
12.40am :: Sun, 20 Jan 02
 | You're a dangerous person -- very ambitious, self-aware and self-reliant. You know what your strengths are and how best to use them to your advantage, and you know what your weaknesses are and how to downplay them. You can either be a great leader or a great tyrant, but you'll definitely be great. Chances are you're also very sarcastic.
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1.40am :: Sat, 19 Jan 02
np: No Doubt - "Hey Baby" / mOOd: relaxed
I started this journal entry at One-am, and a Snoopy on the upper shelf tells me it's a little after Five. I don't know what to say anymore... I'll still wake up tomorrow morning bleary-eyed and sore, feeling like I've just hurled myself through the wringers of a giant machine that takes it upon itself to decide Fate. It's okay, really. I can't believe I'm paying 25k/yr for this.
24 hours have passed (well, actually only less than half that, but we can pretend); time for another set of pills.
You already know, as do I... It's not for clarification's sake, or repetition, but to say it, that I've been in love with you all this time...and it just makes me sad that I know this can't be reciprocated, at least not in due time, nor in just cause. Se a vida e...
1.35am :: Sat, 19 Jan 02
5.14pm :: Sat, 19 Jan 02
np: Utada Hikaru - "Kettobase! (kick it away)" / mOOd: neverending blah
"All we have to do is keep talking..." - Pink Floyd
You never know what others have to say until you give them a chance. If you never say it, then it becomes an irretrievable piece that dies with you... What's a few thoughts among friends?
08:05 p.m. :: Fri, 18 Jan 02
np: hitomi - "LOVE2000" / mOOd: still blah
Of course it is - the door here is always left unlocked, ajar, with the deadbolt as a prop, just to see what happens...
There's a Dippin' Dots here, but it shut down... So sad :'(
Hot and cold and hot and cold, I should go to sleep. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. If not, have a good flight.
2.50am :: Fri, 18 Jan 02
np: X Japan - "Forever Love" / mOOd: blah
*sigh* It seems like this tour in the States is leaving a lot to be desired... All we really want is some taco rice, Okinawa soba, a Jusco and a bakery, some arcades, and lots of shopping to occupy ourselves with... I wonder why that is -
Went out today to eat Hurry Curry (Japanese curry place on Sawtelle) with JSA. Was kind of nice to sit and be able to eat everything on the plate :D No more Covel food... bleh bleh.
Busy weekend - Angie has Random-Asian-Boy #1 (RAB1) coming to visit on Friday night, before which we have to return books and drop classes and do other annoyingly doable errands; on Saturday RAB2 is coming to take us far out on the freeway like last time, though I have plans to go to dinner with JSA (:D); for Sunday RAB1 is coming back to spend the whole day with us (why? why us?) and I'm supposed to trek across town (ugh, bus) to watch some traditional Japanese dance performance to write an Ethnomusicology concert report. Yay, random humanities classes XD
Revelation: Jason and Matt are coming to visit during President's Day weekend. At this time Nate is driving up from SD. Exciting, much? *boing*
Random info of the day: Tiger hamsters are cool. :) (ToraHamu from HamuTaro)
1.32pm :: Wed, 16 Jan 02
np: Amuro Namie + Verbal - "lovin' it" / mOOd: tired
Misplaced, replaced, displaced, or not at all?
Thank you so much for caring. Really. Funny how everything we really have to say is said on here, or not at all. I guess we could say them out loud, but sometimes I say stupid things, all the time. Maybe you can go first...
09:41 p.m. :: Monday, January 14, 2002
np: CHEMISTRY - "You Go Your Way" / mOOd: drained
So that's it, we've split all our ways and it looks like that's going to stay the way it is...
Sometimes I lie awake and think that if we had all grown up somewhere else, somewhere not plagued by constant change or being tossed around like a bottle on a stormy sea, we might have actually stayed together... But then again, had we existed somewhere outside of our (island paradise-turned-forsaken island) bubble we might actually have to have the sense knocked into us. We would've been what (who?) grates on our last nerve at this very moment: the ones asking if you spoke Chinese or Japanese at your school, or if the military ever shot people, or if any trace of Westernization had found its way "over there"... It's so very ironic, isn't it - to think of the alternative lives we could have lead... But I digress.
What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I'm not sure if I made the right decision. Maybe I'm not meant to be here, at UCLA, on the West Coast, in the midst of the 50% "Asian" population, (though I'm lucky that I am)...and it's hard to say where else I could be, waiting for the snowy impersonal subway in New York, or living under sheltered bliss back in Oki... In the meantime, I suppose I can carve my niche here with a spoon. Is that what you all are doing too?
"Omoi wa omoi no mama de..." (Memories are just memories...)
2.14am :: Sun, 6 Jan 02
np: BoA's aU CM song / mOOd: random
Sweet, sweet pain...
I am so wrong.
I thought Okinawa was one big mistake; I wanted to run away from it so badly and never look back... I think we all thought that at one point or another, and finally I've come to my senses... This is home for me, where I grew up, where all my friends are, but also the reason why I can never truly belong. I finally realized what it means to never fit into any society... I guess that's what being part of a melting pot entails -
just this...
1.09am :: Sun, 30 Dec 01
np: Hamasaki Ayumi - "no more words" / mOOd: eh...
"moshimo kono sekai ga shosha to haisha to no
futatsukiri ni wakareru nara
aa, boku wa haisha de ii
itsudatte haisha de itainda..."
If in this world, there are winners and losers
And the two must be separated
It's fine if I'm a loser
I'll always be fine with being a loser...
I got my wish. Just an hour after my pitiful, meaningless lament, who else but Jason shows up at my door. And not only that, he comes back after three hours just so I can eat lunch with my parents, and he brings people. Toniann, Jenny Lozano, and Nick. I'm left speechless at my keyboard...
We found an EMU farm, of all things, a lone farmer and his birds... Maybe someday we'll go back to visit them, like the bunnies. For now they'll just be a distant memory...and for now I'll have to swallow my words.
"Ima wa kore ijyo hanasunowa yametokuyo
Kotoba wa sou amari ni mo
Toki ni muryou dakara."
I'll stop speaking now,
With so few words
even time is powerless...
I think that sums it up quite nicely.
9.50am :: Sun, 30 Dec 01
np: Hamasaki Ayumi - "still alone" / mOOd: gloomy
You know what's sad? It's a gloomy, dreary day, and all I'm doing is sitting in front of a computer screen waiting for someone to come by and pull me away. I feel the same awful way I did last night, bloated with thoughts and worries, wanting some kind of reciprocation to quench my thirst. I'm stuck here, on this island behind gates...
I've made the rounds; does anyone else do the same? I'm not trying to copy anybody. Whatever I write here is my own, and any resemblance these words have to anyone else's is probably just the product of teenage angst. But if you'd choose, rather, to feel otherwise... well, then, that's your decision. Maybe someday you could share with me why you feel that way, and I'll drag you out of the pit - in the meantime I'll be waiting for some sun...
"Kimi wa doko madewo aruite naniwo mitsumeteruno?
Itsuka hanashita kureta yume tooi tsuzuketeiruno?"
1.01am :: Sun, 30 Dec 01
np: Hamasaki Ayumi - "Connected" / mOOd: confused
"mikakete mitsumete misadameteiru
mitsumete mikurete mitasareteiru demo
miagete mikakete mikuraberu hora
mikubiru midareru mihanasareteru..."
I think I'm giving up. I'm sick of dealing with empty promises and fake people and words that don't have any meaning behind them. It hurts that all my life I've been chasing after smarter, popular, beautiful people that could care less if I were an integral part in their lives; it pains me even more to think that, as a defense mechanism, I've become what I despise. In me you'll find nothing less than apathy; right now I don't care whether the world ends tomorrow or tonight... I suppose it's because the hurt from all these past goings-on is still there, still lurking behind every corner and repeating its endless taunts. Everyone thinks I have it all, materialistically and realistically... Everyone thinks they've got it the worst.
My side involves timing... I've had so many experiences where I've had yet to fall in love, yet to finish chasing after a precalculated image that just never materializes... It hurts when you have to move away, or consciously choose to end it all...especially when you have no say in the matter. My whole life has been one long, unfinished piece...my childhood in Malaysia, my nonexistent 2nd grade year, changing schools, teachers moving, acquaintances leaving, friends packing up for college, conversations cut short, relationships ending prematurely, or never developing at all. What I'm trying to say is that I've discovered something: I am at home in Okinawa, at least relatively speaking, and all I want is a rock, something to hold onto while I'm here and maybe drift away from while I'm away, but something that will be there when I need it most, that will have the strength to pull me back in with the flow of tide and time.
I thought I found it, but I keep slipping on the moss... If we ever stopped being friends, it would kill me, and already I feel that I'm drifting so far away... I hope you know who you are. I'm at a loss for words to call out to you, which is why I now feel compelled to apologize to you for never having the right thing to say, much less a witty response, and for speaking in languages that allow me no proficiency in expressing what I think I mean, what I say, and what I'm supposed to mean. I'm here saying nothing, in the words of Yaida Hitomi.
It's not quite the tale of the old man who sits all alone in his empty room, or a Cinderella sob story, but that's it, that's mine. I cry myself to sleep at night over trivial things like these, and in my head they run around pretending to matter while I let everyone else be the judge of me. I've washed up on Okinawan shore again, only this time a college dropout who can't decide whether she's coming or going. Apathy will be the fall of me...
You know, those pills weren't an accident after all.
11.11am :: Thurs, 27 Dec 01
np: Amuro Namie + Verbal - "lovin' it" / mOOd: okay
haha... cool :)
 I am a Pacman Ghost.
I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be.
What Video Game Character Are You?
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5.35pm :: Fri, 21 Dec 01
np: Steady & Co. - "Oh Holy Night" / mOOd: groggy
Something I don't understand about Okinawa is that once you come back to the school you're hailed as some kind of god. There really isn't much to leaving, though I suppose that it's a good thing...sometimes. I'm disturbed by the obvious spending of the school on inane things like flooring, carpeting, reupholstering, black three-tiered lockers, new black bleachers, desks, file cabinets, and silk leis and blow-up fish for the seniors this year. I'm also very disturbed that half this money probably came from our senior class (c/o 2001) fund. And I've figured it out that the island doesn't hold much in the way of education. Stupid fucking teachers. Ms Towers tried to tell me I couldn't walk through the school today in her nasal, utterly pious voice ("Whoa, you can't go that way") and then, when Ms Conley reminded her who I was, tried to make me come back and talk to HER, of all things, when I left ("Whoa, wait a minute"). Big fat smelly whore.
I have to say though, that the visit was exciting (if at all) only for Ms Johnston's "fuzzy purple pumpkin". :)
Other than that, Kate and I remembered why we despised the island so much when we left; as if the school didn't serve as a long-standing reminder of that...and I think I've run out of places to go. Are people really interested in seeing me?
I guess I'll never know.
Stupid fucking island.
12.35am :: Thurs, 20 Dec 01
np: Steady & Co - ? / mOOd: mmm, onions
haha...COO! I got plans to go to Jusco w/ Chuck n Ray... I looove hanging out with them... :D Except when I fall asleep in the car and Ray offers to take me home... Like I'd pick going home ;)
It's also great not having anything to DO... Going shopping and eating all day is my kinda life :) Today I went to Naha with my mom... I bought two white jackets - one's a sweatshirt from CocoLulu and the other is this fluffy white coat with pompom balls on the back of it XD HELLA expensive, but worth it :)
Wheee!
9.25am :: Weds, 19 Dec 01
np: Mini Hamuzu - "Mini Hamuzu no Ai no Uta" (ad infinitum) / mOOd: :)
Ha, shopping again. The big Jusco hasn't changed much; still the same old stores over and over again. There's a nice squishy pillow in the little Italian store upstairs though, filled with beans at a "reasonable" $20... *laughs* Japanese commercialism. What's worse is that I WANT one.
Went to Main City and got myself one of those big 80s sweaters that come off the shoulder XD It's large and pink and fuzzy...ha.
I want to go karaoke while I'm here. *sighs* Annnd... yeah :) I'm eating a lot, keeping it down, which is good. No more ODing on pills, at least till I get back to LA *laughs* XP I'm off to NaHa today... HELL YEA XD
12.55pm :: Tues, 18 Dec 01
np: Gackt - "December Love Song" / mOOd: relaxed
Mmm...rain!
I've been looking at other people's journals (yes, I know all my recent journal entries have started out the same) and realized that I like hearing about other people's days, as inane and petty they may seem. I think what you did at school is interesting, and what you think about today's shopping is great - I don't know, maybe it's just my mood today. :) So, in any case, maybe someone out there would be interested in my day... Eh. *shrugs*
Yesterday I went and hung out w/ Chad from school, always missing Ray and Chuck by the space of minutes. Being away for three months has made me actually fairly interested in the long unending tirade of Kadena history... I'll never get sick of Tsutaya or Gate 2, and definitely not of my beloved Jusco. XD
What else? I went and ate grungy Hamby Town food court food for dinner... and then lolled around in the company of "character-mania" (overly cutesey-ness) for dessert. Hee... anyone wanting to get me a Christmas present, go to ETWS (the big grey building in between Jusco/the flea market) 2F :D :D :D You'll see what I want ;) Here's the proof --> XD
Hmm... Christmas present shopping is so hard, though I'm thoroughly amused with my present of a dark chocolate orange :D
And today... I don't know. Today's something else :)
1.05am :: Mon, 17 Dec 01
np: the dishwasher / mOOd: relaxed
It's so good to be home. XD
Why does everyone have a LiveJournal? Hmm... Sorting through all these ideas and thoughts and transcripted ramblings about life, love, and the general consensus makes me feel...unsure, I suppose. Everyone has their own experiences and opinions; so where do we each fit in?
I'm just wondering how we all got to be where we are... and what the big picture is supposed to look like because of us.
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