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4.57am :: Sat, 8 Dec 01
np: computer humming / mOOd: blah
I went out tonite with ACA (the Assoc. of Chinese-Americans) to the Golden Star Seafood Restaurant... It was pretty good, I'd have to say :) ...except for the fact that the three of us (Angie, Steven and I) sat at a table of 6 Korean guys and one Japanese girl who all knew each other anyway... One guy was hot ;) but that doesn't really matter when he's not TALKING to you... :P Angie and I bought two guys; my "dad" in my ACA family and the president :D A guy in a grey shirt and black slacks was staring at me; I'd say he has black spiky hair but that would include the rest of the Chinese-American male population here... Shit. I think he was my "brother" haha, who knows.
This is my first kind of just...blog in a long time, I guess it's cos I still feel lost... Even with all the other Chinese-Ams I'm still an outsider. I don't have culture or relatives here; I guess that denounces my status. Whatever, I suppose I should care less... so I'll say I do.
12.56am :: Wed, 5 Dec 01
np: K's Choice - "Live For Real" / mOOd: scroll down
I haven't blogged in awhile. Nothing much is new; I'm still turning daily blogs into philosophical rants. Major events include... well I don't think I want to list them.
I'm coming back to Oki soon... It's still not Home but it's as close to one as I'll get thus far. Cheese puffs...
Anyway.
* I don't know what to do here except rant and type up all my angst into this stupid machine... I appreciate some but not the majority; I am numb to the needs of others... *
* I'm sick of you, your stupid presence lolling about in your bed, the study couches and the soiled floors, dragging your ass all over everyone and being pampered for it... It makes me angry that you can get away with so little and yet I seem to waste all my time, all those precious energy reserves, on stupid inane things like trash and the computer, and just struggling to maintain my sanity... *
* I still miss you, miss you so much that it hurts inside... And I thought I was rid of your inane presence hovering around me, tormenting my every move as these clay animals dance about my memory taunting the nights I spent toiling away on those boxes... I just don't understand why I want to continue on, to take you back and say it's alright (because it isn't) and that nothing matters any more... This has to be the most violent misconception of love ever construed...
"Life has always been a pretty song / pretty loud
You're so beautiful / Why's it fading out?
I don't want to live forever / But as long as I do
I'd like to live for real..."
11.56pm :: Weds, 27 Nov 2001
np: Primitive Radio Gods - "Are You Happy?" / mOOd: bitter
I don't know why I bother, really.
I agree with few of you, and disagree with most of you; I am angry and disillusioned and something a little before sheltered - I don't want to be here but wouldn't rather be anywhere else - I have nothing, es nada, where nothing is mine and the world is at my disposal.
I believe in Fate, and in nothingness above; I think there exists a God, and many Gods - I hope somewhere judgement rules and that elsewhere there is faith in chaos.
Are you happy?/ If not, then why?/Are you with me?/...are you dead inside?
I'm happy to be coming home - "home" does not exist for me - I'm leaving here - "here" is a figment of your imagination. I console myself with cultural icons, and maybe for you, you immerse yourself in pop culture - which is somewhat similar, but not really - wandering and never really found, lost but just in limbo.
8.50am :: Sun, 24 Sept 01
np: Kangta - "That Year's Summer" / mOOd: at ease
It's funny how hypocritical we are, that we have to take specialized days off just to thank friends and family, to put aside petty disagreements and to pause for a minute to realize that, throughout daily grieviances and clenched teeth, we really do love them... It seems so sad and yet so appropriate.
I'm enjoying my time here at LA, the freedom and spontenaity of it all is nice, but I still want to go back home... amidst all the regulations and tension... What is wrong with me?
2.40am :: Thurs, 15 Nov 2001 ;)
np: Uptown - "My Desire" / mOOd: not-to-be-outdone
Well. I guess I have a lot of random shit on this blog - not-to-be-outdone, I'm going to add more... XD
Things that have happened @ UCLA...
Buying Steve Madden shoes
Having feet bleed from Steve Madden shoes (all three pairs)
UCLA cutting off Morpheus X|
Buying cell phone
Having cell phone be temperamental
Kareshi ga...
Having TV not work properly
HK Film Fests XD
All-"Asian-American" parties
Being dry
MaSHiMaRo!
Laundry...
Pigeonholing
BoBa!
Class choices...
Major choices...
POO!
Shopping expeditions: J-Town, 3rd St, C-Town, Melrose
Scary old homeless ladies w/ sunken eyes and no teeth
Insomnia XD
Whatever. :)
01:44 p.m. :: Thurs, 14 Nov 01
np: Utada Hikaru - "Traveling" / mOOd: fried
It still pains me to read how much people hate Oki... You never know what you've had until it's gone.
Don't get me wrong; I used to think the same way - how good it would be to get off that stupid island... all you have to do is scroll down to see evidence of that. But...you know, the States isn't all it's cracked up to be. I sure as hell don't want to fit into its pigeonholes and stereotypes of 1st gen. immigrants and fucking "Asian-Americans"... I used to be offended at that term because of people who placed me into that category - now I realize that they were the ones who were wrong... You see Asians here... they're NOTHING like what you see in me. I tell you this upfront, and this may be the most conceited thing that could ever spout from this garbage-filled orifice... but you know it's true. You KNOW it's so FUCKING true.
And the only thing I have left to offer them is maybe a map and some cultural common sense. Where're Malaysia, Okinawa, New Zealand? Look it up. Learn some geography.
3.47pm :: Sat, 10 Nov 2001
np: HAL - "Split Up" / mOOd: frustrated, angry, disappointed, bleh
It seems like we all start out with such high expectations, never finishing anything...never really ending up where we thought we would. I feel just so confused right now - I don't want to be here, but I don't want to be in Oki either - I don't want to fall under the jurisdiction of Okinawa but letting myself take control of my life here - who thought I would be so completely helpless at handling what I thought was my right to "my" life?
I'm still mad that I haven't gotten my PS2 or my flat MD/CD player from Oki, much less whatever else was in that stupid package. I hope it comes someday - it's not my money but wasting a grand total like that really is sad. Where do things like that all go?
Today I almost went to my TA's office hours - he holds them in the Northern Lights coffee shop on campus - every time I go I feel stupid and irritated, boring and listless, to think that we spend fifteen minutes trudging down a hill and up stairs and stairs and stairs just to come to a stamp of rejection... I love this class too - Film and Social Change - the professor, the movies, whatever we do in it makes me feel kind of inspired, maybe touched (just a little) by the magic of moving pictures... and then I come to this dead end like I have nothing to say (not like I really do)... all because there are other people sitting at the table where I would like to sit. I want to be up there with the TA, sipping coffee and smoking a few under the bright lights of the cafe, and discussing intelligent-sounding topics like the increasingly diasporic nature of people and the anti-assimilant feelings of displaced minorities in America (see what the film class does to your style)... but that's just not me.
I guess what all this teaches me comes in the form of this homework assignment: Define "jen".
6.31pm :: Fri, 2 Nov 01
np: Kangta - "Twenty Three" / mOOd: hurt
Hey look, fortune-telling...it's actually true.
"You fell from a poplar tree...
>POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously."
5.09pm :: Wed, 31 Oct 01
np: Kuraki Mai - "Just I Like Your Smile" / mOOd: bleh
It's been so long, I don't even remember what to write next...
I guess college life is alright - I'm getting used to it, which is probably the only thing I can do. I still don't like the word "Asian", though. But anyway...I'm definitely ready to move back to Japan. You never realize how much you take for granted DoDDS schools until you've moved away - crappy as they are learning to tolerate all the extremes from them is probably the best education you'll ever get.
Ohh...tired. *falls over* I bought a communist MashiMaro the other day :)
5.01pm :: Tues, 25 Sept 01
np: Utada Hikaru - "How Ya Doin'?" / mOOd: beyond disbelief
"How ya doin'? Is everything fine?
Since you left me, nothing means much in my life..."
Unfinished.
12.01am :: Sat, 15 Sept 01
np: Globe - "Precious Memories" / mOOd: indifferent
I just can't grasp the concept of ALLEGIANCE. I have no beliefs regarding my home country (much less any thoughts on it that were not preconceived), nor do I have anything to offer everyone's sympathy or anger or pride... What do I have? ~~Bitter thoughts of ex-patriate apathy.
Walking around aimlessly is probably my only solace in the outside world. I just feel so detached from everything - I don't want to be near any news of the WTC or the Pentagon, much less the grieving United States and the condolences offered to it by the rest of the sympathetic world, - I don't want to hear about people's problems or their hidden resolves; all I want to do is to exist, to be, to feel - I've had enough of thinking for awhile and I'd prefer to just let things be.
Haven't you learned already that maybe, just maybe, with all the repercussions of thinking and believing and reacting that everything becomes so much more complicated? It's what makes us alive, what leads us to experience the process we call LIFE - people say it's what makes us human -but right now I don't want to be part of it.
It's sad, it's interesting,
it's me.
11.58pm :: Wed, 12 Sept 01
np: Robbie Williams - "Eternity" / mOOd: gilded
They're on the news today,
rah rah,
and you know what they'll all say,
rah rah,
that it was such a misery,
rah rah,
that it's such a pity...
rah rah...
I don't know why everyone is so shocked and frightened by the events of the past few hours - I've heard of more emotions as they coursed through so many people today than on any other occasion, separate or lumped together - it makes no difference to me what's going on in the world, and I'm not quite sure why. People say it's painful, it's reason for vengeance, it's war - I... I sit and watch the crumbling buildings and I feel nothing. No sadness, no remorse, no anger, no nothing directed towards the people on TV, or the people on island, much less the people living in the same house with me. Maybe I need to find a connection to this event, to relate it to myself or the suffering of mankind (as selfish as that sounds) - but no matter how many times I try, I'm isolated, hardened in a little bubble I'd like to consider my space; all I can do is think about how nothing is related to me, nothing pertains to my fate, finally how nothing at all can touch me. It doesn't even pain me to think that, amidst all the chaos that used to govern my life, I remain devoid of any emotion.
3.10am :: Wed, 12 Sept 01
np: The Doors - "People Are Strange" / mOOd: brazen
It's a rainy Wednesday morning and I'm sitting here, in my packed-out room of boxes and debris, listening to stale news about the destruction of the WTC, Somerset County, PA, and the Pentagon... Everyone runs amuck at the commotion now, even in this age of disillusionment - amazement and fright are two very different emotions, but they're rampant together, running amuck in some backalley, only stopping to take shelter in some poor refuge's mind - they make up cardboard boxes of confusion.
I still can't think of anything to write. *sniff* Must be a universal dry spot. But I have a new thought: I'd make a super android. Mmm.
5.11pm :: Mon, 27 Aug 01
np: Jackie Chan + Tarcy Su - "Mei Yi Tuan" / mOOd: anxious
For the past three weeks I've spent my time with people I used to know from way back when - 11th grade, 10th grade, freshman year, 5th grade - I don't care much for being new and spontaneous, though anything too reminscent of sitting around in a circle waiting for life to pass us by is a little too dull for me.
Nostalgia is a very powerful tool... I guess it's helped me cope through the turbulent periods while also having the force to rip me apart. But I digress... I'm stuck in the past amidst all my memories, armed with nothing but a gilded tongue and a blotchy pen (writing continuously, but in spurts), yet...yet... it still feels like I'm living a lie. Why?
There's no pleasing some people... "...very opinionated and [dominant]...interesting but psychotic at the same time." :)
Waiting... Still waiting for something, anything to happen.
1.31am :: Thurs, 23 Aug 01
np: K's Choice - "Already There" / mOOd: restless
Night falls, and
at the stroke of midnight i'm connected to the fibre-optic
network
of cables interlaced
through your body
where your veins are supposed to be
Waiting
like ECT
for the pangs of electric
happiness
to wake me up
in the light of a new day
Waiting, again
Never anything more than dependent
where 'individual' ceases to exist
Repetition, thought, and disillusion
Twenty-six of me
thirty of You
waiting, still
life is -
excessive
i love, without reciprocation
and yet
there is
cohesion.
Requiem For A Dream
(but only if you're watched the movie.)
"I'm gonna be on TV, with my red dress..."
12.57am :: Mon, 20 Aug 01
np: The Cardigans - "Rise And Shine" / mOOd: restless
I'm surprised to see that people are still coming here (so says the PageCounter), in the midst of a complete lack of anything to say (interesting or otherwise).
Well, suit yourselves...
It's so much easier to hide from the truth than to accept it... Although the pain from reality cuts much deeper - the blood is fresher and the memory much more vivid - than anything the human brain can conjure up in its pathetic state of just being...
I want to say that I hate you, abhor you and your mindless chatter, and all that for which you stand... But I can't, I can't, because I was you once and I probably still am: in the eyes of the beholder there is reflected everything they would like to be, when what exists in those eyes is everything they are not.
"I want to be alone for awhile
I want the earth to breathe to me
I want the waves to grow loud
I want the sun to bleed down
See the waves go down
See the moon alone
See the world unshown...
I want to see the wounded moon
I want the sea to break through
I want it all to be gone tomorrow
So I've come to say goodbye..."
...when it's over, is it really over? I'm still here, angry and frail, weakened but empowered to do nothing but fill myself up with angst... till maybe one day I'll be lucky to explode...or implode, mmm...
12.10pm :: Thurs, 2 Aug 01
np: Catatonia - "Jump or Be Sane" / mOOd: bitter
I mean to shift the archives to Geo-trocities one day, I really do... In the meantime, I've come to the conclusion that I really don't care what other people think - with few exceptions I don't believe in what they have to say (which generally should mean that they should, reciprocatingly, disregard my words) - no longer are they fuel for my words, but the forces that keep them down. I have nothing to say, except that I have nothing I want to hear from you.
"Everybody screams;
Don't know what to believe
I just follow someone else's lines
And though my bookcase has grown
None of the words are my own..."
12.16pm :: Fri, 27 July 01
np: Delerium + Sarah McLachlan - "Silence" / mOOd: drained
I don't know what to say... I really don't. It's not writer's block, but I'm just drawing a blank. Lack of inspiration or thought suppression - or... that I simply have nothing to say.
11.46am :: Sat, 21 July 01
np: Standfast - "Car Crashes" / mOOd: thoughtful
"Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People running
Fantasy or reality
Analysis or Theories
What does it matter, really?
Tell me what to believe
Won't you bring me order
Tell me what to achieve
So I can move forward..."
10.46pm :: Fri, 20 July 01
np: BT - "Never Gonna Come Back Down" / mOOd: struggling
In the light of all that's happened recently... I can only say that I have run completely dry. My pen has lost its edge - it's nothing short of writer's block or lack of inspiration -
The first bad sign is separate cars: separate checks, separate ideas, separate lives.
- I'm just so tired of everything.
It's always about me... Random acts of selfishness / Never hoping for anything less than the best / Greed or anger?
And, most of all, I despise having to put up my thoughts on an Internet website, spiked by hypertext protocol and the fiberoptical network it makes up... But I'll keep on doing it, like so many of the other menial tasks from which I long to run, because I have nothing more for which to live. To you I'm just a faceless entity typing "It Was A Dark and Stormy Night" on a typewriter - trundle on, sloth on,
sixteen years, and already given up hope.
11.24am :: Mon, 16 July - Fri, 13 July 01
np: Tamia - "Stranger In My House (HQ2 Mix)" / mOOd: content
Karaoke kicks ass :D
Track list:
Christina Aguilera - "Genie In A Penis"
Backstreet Boys - "Larger Than Life (Penis)"
Belinda Carstile - "Heaven Is A Really Big Penis"
Madonna - "Bad Penis"
Yaen - "Fish Fight" (yeah yeah)
And so on.
Porcelain: shattered white pieces of blue China
Not perhaps unrequited love, but unforseen - on which no one would ever have picked up...
I'm so lonely. Pathetically so.
10.15pm :: Thurs, 12 July 01
np: BT - "Mercury and Solace" / mOOd: thoughtful (too lazy to think up another mood)
In a paper robe and comfy blanket, I'm given a nametag to wear on my sleeve - solace lies in my pen and a mercury ball - the white strips do nothing to console nor restrain me... I am insane, a lunatic hidden under the folds of dementia: I am having problems determining if the exit from this pile of pillows exists.
We ridicule everything that holds the least bit of importance to others, because we find it so easy to smash their lives and hopes and dreams - we know we are invincible only behind our words, unmalleable and indestructible as we forge them - we are nothing more than a gaggle of hypocrites who hope to elevate ourselves by criticizing others.
For this I am sorry, but not regretful - as all writers will tell you - the perfection that comes with a pen curses and blasphemes and makes all fall short of any expectations... We are angry because we are imperfect. We are imperfect because we are outcasts... We have insight, oversight, hindsight, foresight - we have disability.
I lay no claim to "depression" or "forbidden love", or any such other false insecurities... But I am not what I claim to be. Hallucinations, visions, again I say that much of what is great came from the minds of the terribly disturbed - or the vacant fields of psychedelic delusion.
9.24pm :: Tues, 10 July 01
np: Faithless - "We Come One" / mOOd: bloated
Ice cream is good :D~
I've been thinking for a long time about my major, and what classes I want to take... Why does everyone keep recommending easy, uninvolved classes? I'd rather jump headfirst into something and find out that it's awful rather than easing in slowly only to find that the pain is unbearable, little by little. Even so, that method's gotten me nowhere - the only course I have for sure is Honors English...the rest is tentative: Psychology, Life Science, Japanese... Maybe not.
12.05am :: Mon, 9 July 01
np: Ether Drift - "Hard, Fast, and Furious" / mOOd: deviant
Mmm... The Fast and the Furious was a great movie. I normally detest movies - couldn't stand The Matrix (maybe it was the company I kept) or Austin Powers 2 or any of that other stuff - but this just kicked ass.
And the guys are so well-built. Mmm, eye candy.
3.48pm :: Sat, 7 July 01
np: NiN & David Bowie - "I'm Afraid of Americans" / mOOd: could be better
I like this song.
I went to McDs this morning with my mother - where I saw Nick with Jason and Chris (or should I say, Jason with Nick and Chris) in tow at the drive-thru - why do airmen insist on talking so loudly about how awful the food they're eating always is? I mean, if you don't like it, don't fucking eat the damn burgers - no one's forcing you to pay 400 yen for some food that'd be better enjoyed by a 5-year old - oops, I forgot - it's because you don't have the capability to ingest it, isn't it? Indolent bastards. I can't say I'm proud, but when five large members of the American military plop down next to you and whine as loudly as possible about the quantity of their food, you'd do the same thing I did: Cough into it. Mm...
germs.
11.14am :: Fri, 6 June 01
np: K's Choice - "Tired" / mOOd: too lazy to d/l new songs
For the record, I'm 34% gay. Yes, I know...who cares.
<~~ The sidebar's updated... E-maiL: zhuyi@tare-panda.com
Mm... my room is still a mess. I can't believe I have so many stuffed animals. It's not bad staying home, though so many people call wanting to do stuff when I'm ill! Why?!? Why do you people never have anything to do when I'm well? So much for unconceived boredom...
Lunar 2: Eternal Blue isn't all it's cracked up to be. Compared to the great RPGs of all time (FF, CT, Inindo (hehe)), this thing really reverts back to side scrolling and all that. The game plays well, but slowly, and the battle system sucks. Ass. And you know... Japanese change so many things to bring games over to America. What were those marketers thinking? Did they see the success of Conker's (or whatever the hell that fuzzy drunk/high/wasted squirrel's name is) Bad Fur Day? Mmm... think about it. Sex sells!
11.30am :: Thurs, 5 July 01
np: K's Choice - "All" / mOOd: ecstatic
I got 4s for the AP English Language and English Literature exams! :D~
Time for a major change, eh?
11.02am :: Thurs, 5 July 01
np: Dirty Vegas - "Days Go By" / mOOd: giddy
MSN sucks. It's a proven fact - it erased my Contact List, or whatever the hell they call it - and it won't let me log onto it. Hmph...I'm reverting back to my good ol' ICQ.
I'm ill, blah. I was supposed to go to Naha today, too. *sniffle* I can't wait till I'm in a big city.
Oh, and I'm cleaning out my room - anyone want some AP review books? :D - found lots of good stuff, too, especially this section of prose I printed out while researching Kafka... Good ol' Kafka:
"Waiting" by Roland Barthes
Indeedy.
10.02am :: Mon, 2 July 01
np: Pink Floyd - "Keep Talking" / mOOd: restless
Pink Floyd - 'Keep Talking', The Division Bell, 1994
"For millions of
years mankind lived just like the animals
Then something happened which unleashed the power of our
imagination
We learned to talk..."
There's a silence surrounding me
I can't seem to think straight
I'll sit in the corner
No one can bother me
"It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking..."
"It doesn't have to be like this
All we need to do is make sure we keep talking..."
...someone talked to me once, but the long and desperate search for the answer to his question still remains...
10.28pm :: Sun, 01 July 01
np: Pink Floyd - "One of the Few" / mOOd: contemplative
Big word, oh yeah.
Pick us up, put us down, we'll never complain... We'll wait forever just to see you, and keep returning each year for you - baby birds returning to the nest - it finally hit us when you left (or is it just a rumor?), but we'll never really acknowledge that you kept pushing us out. It's just that we're in a place we only enjoy for a few months, when you had to be here for so long - now that you're gone, you're no longer receptive to us, a distant memory; I guess you couldn't have lived for our visits... Even so, they meant the world to us, much unlike what we could ever have meant to you...
On a completely unrelated tangent, I watched the AmericaFest fireworks from outside my house tonight. Such a price to pay for beauty... Why do fireworks only go off during the summer? Hmm.
10.08am :: Sun, 1 July 01
np: Primitive Radio Gods - "Ghost of a Chance" / mOOd: content
Military efficiency: Step left, breathe in, step right, breathe out. Repeat - naturally organized but not efficient. Oh well. :D
Next time I go to a concert I'm wearing my largest platforms. Being squished in humidity and human stench is not very pleasant when you aren't tall enough to breathe fresh air. 98 Degrees wasn't worth it.
Hi Chet! *waves*
Next time we're going to a Japanese festival. They have better prizes, like PS2s and ATARIs :D
1.43pm :: Wed, 27 June 01
np: ATC - "Around The World" / mOOd: angry
An Ode to Mother
You never used to hate Jackie Chan, and now you do, because of two purple bruises and some superficial knife wounds... Didn't you know that life holds more to it than your damned purity? I've told you over and over again, but you never trusted me to make my own decisions, so now I'm glad to leave you, to part from you in a whole different realm where I can shed your naivete, your logic and your lies - you've turned him into a fly trapped between two walls, a concrete box - and if what he says is true, that you expect me to be your friend for evermore, I'll be glad to sever our relationship now. From here on out I'll be changing sides - not with you, but against you - nothing in this house is sacred any more and I'm sick of it; nothing is holy, nothing is stable, nothing is transient. Nada - the Lord's Prayer one more time: "...it all was nada y pues nada y naday pues nada. Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada. Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee." ~ Ernest Hemingway, "A Clean Well-Lighted Place"
Oh, don't act surprised baby, you knew it was coming.
11.27pm :: Tues, 26 June 01
np: Underworld - "Stagger" / mOOd: blah
It's funny... Once you're on the outside you can never reflect to be truly happy or optimistic or anything remotely positive - much like how loners never really have much to do but rot in their cynical little bubbles, contemplating their pitiful little existences and a blissful spectacle in which they plan their demise.
Now, really, with all your freedom - staying out late and being raucous, drinking occasionally, toking up occasionally, fucking even more occasionally - how much independence do you have? Given your stature, I'd award you with a grand total of subversive nonsense - in other words, none. Zero. Nada.
"...he knew it all was nada y pues nada y naday pues nada. Our nada who art in nada, nada be thy name thy kingdom nada thy will be nada in nada as it is in nada. Give us this nada our daily nada and nada us our nada as we nada our nadas and nada us not into nada but deliver us from nada; pues nada. Hail nothing full of nothing, nothing is with thee."
~ Ernest Hemingway, "A Clean Well-Lighted Place"
But you know... None of us are really independent. Even us - who prided ourselves on our flexibility and intelligence and evasiveness - we still came back, again and again for something, some unknown force upon which we needed to draw for energy... Or something. Who knows...who cares?
Five, ten years from now, if you knock on my door I'll still answer... If you confide in me I'll still listen... But don't expect me to welcome you into my embrace when you never belonged here.
12.52am :: Fri, 22 Jun 01
np: The Gorillaz - "Tomorrow Comes Today" / mOOd: ...
And yet another day goes by... (Utada Hikaru is fat.) There are some people can't keep their big mouths shut - I thought I could trust them, and maybe that just goes to show that I'm too naive - a sucker for the avid (male)listener, with an attractive face and nice hair. Everything and everyone else evades me.
11.01pm :: Thurs, 21 June 01
np: Primitive Radio Gods - "Devil's Triangle" / mOOd: unhappy
That's probably the first time I've ever used that word to describe myself - but that's probably the only word that could describe me. Or "almost happy"...discontented, maybe...? I realized that what someone was trying to tell me was true all along... Those dynamics are what repelled me from you - and me from me - in the first place. I'm sorry (when actually I'm not).
Oh, and baby, it's not that I don't like you, it's that... Hell, I just don't like you.
"Long, long ago, in a land far, far away, there lived a maiden called Callay..."
This maiden had lots of butterflies and pretty little creatures to keep her company, but no humans. That was why she was so damned happy when the poetess left her alone. (The metaphor's not over yet.)
They say when you're 16 you have full control over the capacity of your brain. If that's so, then why do hormones get in the way of it all the damned time? Paradox, oxymoron, hypocrite
I saw this one MTV music awards where Fiona Apple went up on stage and bitched about how the entire world was bullshit and how everyone was full of themselves. People flew into a rage over her speech because of its brassness, irrationality, and coarse language, and because it showed her as a poor role model for today's young people. It got me thinking...what if I had read from her script? (Not like anyone would have heard it anyway.) I've always thought that I've never influenced anyone, which is why I had such trouble writing my speech: the all-important, vital question was "What do you want to say to them?" and I choked, miserably so. I actually wrote something, came up with something not quite inspirational, but whimsical maybe - the word evades me - and the microphone didn't work. Maybe it was for the better... I just hope the acoustics at my funeral are better than they were at my graduation.
Mel, this one's for you.
Narcissistic fool: How much of yourself do you see here?
11.53am :: Mon, 18 Jun 01
np: Fool's Garden - "Lemon Tree" // mOOd: bored
"All that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree..."
What does this song really mean? Hmm. *ponders*
"Isolation / Is not good for me / I don't want to sit in a lemon tree..."
I was going to write something philosophical.
Oh well.
10.15pm :: Sun, 17 Jun 01
np: The Cardigans - "Explode" // mOOd: listless
Yet another Sunday comes to pass... grub grub, you know, those white, wriggling maggot-like bits of pulsating flesh.
Grub! Ahh, yes.
I rented Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon today because I've heard it was a very good HK movie (even from Americans), and it's kind of interesting to listen to the dialogue in Chinese films-for-American-audiences in comparison to regular American films. Still, who knew that in all these people exist capable writers - all the blank faces behind the glamor and fame - they're able to captivate the majority to bend to all these images... That's very admirable, making movies, songs, and programs applicable to consumers, just because it takes so much manuvering. As a writer, I say to the network advisers... eat your heart out.
Oh, and anyway, that girl's name is Zhang Zi Yi. My name is Chong Shu Yee - I hear in the movie they call her 'Jen' - coincidence much? :D Too bad I can't fight like that. *sigh*
Minority models possess too many fallacies to be even implemented. I'm not sure if I want to get into that... Maybe I will, but later.
Burp.
11.17pm :: Fri, 15 June 01
np: K's Choice - "Another Year" / mOOd: hollowed
There're just too many things that run across my mind daily; I want to crumple them all up and throw them all away, scattering them across the ocean... Aren't you tired of all those issues and agendas that keep you occupied during the long weary day? Well, I suppose everyone is: everyone renders themselves bitter or hardened or gripped with heartache and yet still able to find the time to enlighten others of their own damn misery.
(What are you reading again?)
Someone once asked me a very important question, something that troubled me at that moment and that still plagues me to this very day... Not because I can't find the answer, but because I don't know why I've been avoiding it for so long. Who knows... who cares.
In any relationship - monogamous, "polyamorous", lustful, in love, gay, straight, bi, dominant, submissive, subservient, selfish - when you put yourself into relations with another person, think occasionally that you're dealing with a part of humanity that can never simply be fit back into the mold from which it came. Tell them, through all the naiviete and experience, the lies and deceit, the existence that holds everything together - the truths that are the basis of you as individuals.
What do you want to say to them?
11.05pm :: Thurs, 14 June 01
np: Primitive Radio Gods - "Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth" / mOOd: empty
I'm hungry again. Devoid of food, of lust, of love, and of feeling. An orange, a butter knife, and some water: All I'd ever need to slap some common sense into my head.
Tomorrow is the day of reckoning - paper and ink proof of laziness and the beginning of a new, reborn beat generation.
"We sit outside and argue all night long, about a god we've never seen but never fails to side with me... Can humans do what prophets say? And if I die, before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I've lived awake but half asleep?"
9.08am :: Sun, 10 June 01
np: K's Choice - "All" / mOOd: nauseous
While everyone else is sleeping I remain awake; while they are at rest I am struggling to keep moving...
I've finally graduated from high school. Last night (Sat, 9 June 01) the commencement ceremony was held in a hangar near the 33rd Rescue Squadron... and we, the Class of 2001 from Kadena High School, graduated amidst horrible acoustics, humid weather, and damp robes - regardless of the fact that our speeches were barely audible. But we loved every minute of it -
And Project Graduation was the culminating effort that rid us of all our complaints about graduation... There were great things, stuff we'd never expected - light buffet dinners, freshly cut fruits, ample drinks, cameras (free everything) - music, a dj, games, and the prizes... Stereo systems, CD players, CD burners, CD/MD systems - I managed to be one of the great lucky ones... I won a Game Boy Color, portable fan, lots of batteries, and a FujiFilm Digital Camera (with 64mb SmartCard w/ ID)...
I'm very excited about the prospect of making videos with my new Camera (^.~)
And for those of you who so kindly asked... This is my speech, the valedictory address I delivered through garbled microphone noises and painfully loud airplane exercises, the one I toiled over, but didn't agonize with, and had those few fleeting inspirations...the one with which I laughed and cried... like with the senior class:
Good evening ladies, gentlemen, friends, family, faculty, and graduating seniors of Kadena High School -
I stand before you tonight humbled, because I truly have nothing to say that will change your mind about life, or love, or academia - or that will keep you awake during the ceremony. But if you lend me your ears, I will tell you what's in my heart:
For the last few years we have all marched in the same procession - preplanned
Kindergarten, where we played and sang songs (or ate glue and pulled hair);
Grade school, with its population of little girls infatuated with love,
and little boys convinced that all girls had cooties;
Middle school, the awkward transition between childhood and adolescence;
and High school, the obsession with relationships, identity, and acceptance -
and through those last few years we, the Class of 2001, have proved that we are able to cope with this procession of events and with our constant deviation from the majority, not only because our time overseas has left us isolated from the mainstream culture of anywhere, but because we, as the first generation of the millennium, have always been collared by change.
And now change turns us to look toward the future. What can we change?
In just a short time, we have made life aggravating for our teachers, and for our parents, and for each other - but we have also left memories behind us that made everything worthwhile.
Now, we have the option of making a difference in society, moving on with our lives and up in the world:
Sometimes we look to the future, and find that it's too radical, encompassed by fears of failure or conflicts of interests. So, sometimes we find it captivating to watch the parade of funny colors and animals passing by on their merry way, the long, unending parade in life... There is a fact that reads: If you rub your finger across the sticky scent trail an ant has left behind, it won't be able to take that same path back.
Is that truly a bad thing?
If he truly needs to, the ant will find a different route upon which to travel. We, like the ant, no longer need be concerned with what is behind us because the past has already come to a resolution. We cannot stay affixed in the past: Our lives, governed by the circumstances that lie before us, begin on those paths we have chosen for the upcoming adventure...
In the short fraction of time that we've been alive, we have all created meaning in our lives - it is here where we come to recognize - and define - our existence and the invaluable truth in the saying that we can make a difference
and when we apply ourselves
we have a myriad of options
and the rainbow-colored parade
So
We change, because
We are the class
Who made a name for ourselves
By breaking Tradition.
As we stepped
On stage
We were merely Seniors
Scholars
Waiting for this formality to be over
But as we step out
Off stage
underneath the night sky
of the new millennium
we can finally join the stars.
Thank you.
Maybe we don't inspire you much, but you,
you are the sole source of inspiration for us. And as we - I - walk away, it's just so empty, because I know that your presence was and could only be fleeting. That horrible feeling of tempestuous joy burst with that single step, the one and only step down the stairs and off the stage, and out of your embrace. As I leave, I carry only this hollow shell of a "graduate" with me to future endeavors - I don't want to carry on and be merry - I want to stay rooted in the past and learn all I can about all those who care - and all the while I can't help but think that you're paid to agonize in this emptiness.
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