Passions Correspondence Say hi to Riiiiiing!
USMC
God
The Creek
Silver screen
Piracy
Speak your mind
Talk to me
Olei
<# blog girls ?>
So, he's gonna' come to New Year's with us. He tried to play it off like he wasn't gonna' go.. and it almost scared me.. b/c I was actually SAD at the thought that he might not be there. But when he finally said "Of course I'm gonna' go.." I felt like our grand New Years plans were finally complete. I'm really excited about ringing in the new year with him. I'm excited about finally having somebody that I care about to kiss at midnite. I guess the new year is kinda' like a new beginning. A way to turn back time and start again. While it doesn't erase past people, and experiences from life.. it provides closure on every event of the previous year. To me, New Years is mine and his BEGINNING. (grammar?) It's my turn to look towards the future.. to forget about Larry, and Rex, and Jazz.. and to look forward to everything NEW with him. I'm not really sure how to define "us" yet. What do you call a guy at the very beginning of a "relationship?" This guy I'm hangin' with? This guy I'm seeing? This guy who's kinda' neat? I was on the phone with him the other nite.. and Steph called on my cel phone.. so I put him on hold for a second. Of course Steph knows all about him.. so she asked me if I was talking to "my boyfriend?" I replied with a laugh.. and a "What boyfriend?" Anyway, when I got back on the phone with him, he was like, "I heard that.." And I was like, "What?" And he's like, "About the boyfriend thing.." (*Note - all dialouge is somewhat altered from original.) So I laughed and said.. "I don't have a boyfriend." To which he replied - "So, what am I then?" I honestly didn't know how to answer that. It made me SO happy to hear him say that.. but it also brought it all out in the open - exposed. Anyway - I have a big feeling that a lot of this weblog is gonna' pertain to him. I wonder if he reads this stuff.. hehe.28 Dec 00 2011 hours For those of you hoping to read the grand continuation of my previous entry.. you will not find it here. I had 2 written pages of ideas for my continuation entry.. but when I read and reread them, they sounded trite and confusing. I ended up throwing them away. The point I was hoping to make was that maybe innocence is not so much like virginity. Maybe after a certain amount of sins and crushing blows to your own innocence.. you are rewarded by recieving, once again, the innocence of a child. I had hoped to elaborate on that idea more poetically.. but words have failed me, and I'm sick of not updating. There is one quote I came across that pertains to my idea.. "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?" Ponder that, I guess.
Anyway.. I'm gonna' post last nite's entry in my written journal here. I usually keep my written thoughts more private.. but I can't say what I'm thinking any better than how I wrote it last nite. As a disclaimer.. so that nobody goes into shock.. this is about the guy I've met. I'm almost afraid to talk about him too much.. or to reveal his name.. or to hold TOO much hope. Anyway.. read on.
Because he holds open doors.. b/c he reaches for my hand.. b/c he always wants to have his arms around me. Because I fall asleep so easily beside him.. b/c he buys breakfast in the morning. These are some of the reasons why I hold my breath when the phone rings. I HATE waiting for phones to ring. I hate putting faith in someone. I hate wondering "what if?" and "how?" and "why?" And what is the point of writing about how good he makes me feel about MYSELF.. or how being with him drowns out the rest of the world.. or how laying next to him feels like being in the most perfect paradise ever? What's the point of writing about all of that when the phone hasn't rung yet.. and when next I turn around, he'll probably be another "Larry?" I go thru each day putting on a show.. telling everyone that I don't need ANYBODY.. that I'm more than fine on my own. But I NEED him. I need the phone to ring and I need to hear his voice on the other side. I need him to make me believe that I need him for a reason.
Like breath
27 Dec 00 1255 hours Innocence (in-no-sens)- noun. To be continued...
14 Dec 00 2143 hours Dear Santa, This Christmas my wish can't be boxed, wrapped, or placed under a tree. This Christmas, I want something more. This year I want every man, woman, and child to be able to fall asleep carefree in a warm bed.. confident in the fact that they are loved unconditionally. I want comfort for every mother who has ever had to give up a child, comfort for every mother and father who have ever lost a child much too soon, comfort for every child who has ever lost a parent much too soon. I want peace for every family member of every soldier who is MIA, peace for every family member of every POW, peace for every mother, father, son, and daughter who has ever traced their loved ones name on the Vietnam Wall, peace for every mother, father, son, and daughter who has ever placed a flag in the dirt in front of their loved ones grave at Arlington. I want equality for every African-American who has ever been called a "nigger" hatefully, equality for every homosexual who has ever been called a "faggot" hatefully.. and I want strength for every African- American so that he may be able to STAND UP to those who dare to drag him down and proclaim "I am JUST as good as you.. if not BETTER," and strength for every homosexual so that he may be able to look fear in the face and say.. "I am PROUD." I want every foster child and every abused woman, and every drug addict, and homeless man, and wounded soldier to look in the mirror and say.. "Today, I CAN!" This is my wish this Christmas, Santa. In my lifetime.. all these wishes may not come true.. but I can fall asleep better at nite believing that maybe ONE day.. just maybe. Merry Christmas.12 Dec 00 2216 hours Elton John is the raddest. I'm gonna' find a way to go see him and Billy Joel next month. Mark my words. Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say.. I just wanted to get December rolling. Ya'll can go check this out if you're bored, tho.. lol. Stinky Meat. Keep it real, dudes.05 Dec 00 0944 hours
*~"So I'm gonna' smile my BEST smile.. and I'm gonna' laugh like it's goin' outta' style... look into [his] eyes and PRAY that [he] don't see.. this learnin' to live again is KILLIN' me.."~* -gb
*~"For comin' to my room when you know I'm alone.. for findin' me a highway and for drivin' me home.. for that alone - you know.. I SERVE you.."~* -meatloaf
Like water
Like rain
*~"Ballerina.. you must have seen her.. dancin' in the sand. Now she's in me.. ALWAYS with me.. tiny dancer in my hand.."~* -Elton
Freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil.
*~"Holy Moses, I have been decieved.. Holy Moses, let us live in peace. Let us strive to find a way to make ALL hatred cease. There's a man over there.. what's his color? I DON'T CARE. He's my BROTHER.. let us live in peace.."~* -Elton
*~"It's four o' clock in the morning, DAMMIT, listen to me GOOD.. I'm sleepin' with myself tonite.. saved in time, Thank GOD my music's still alive.."~* -EJ