*Hot Spots*

Pimpin'.
If there's ever a book written called Television's Greatest Mysteries, then there darn well better be a chapter entitled Why So Little Pimpbot 5000? Surely one of the greatest Late Night TV inventions ever, for some reason the sagelike Pimp/Robot combination has seen very little action lately. No, instead we get plenty of Psychic Chatline and Get Rich Quick, You Friggin' Moron. Now I remember why I got an Internet connection.

Just the facts.
So a friend of mine actually had an interview with the CIA for some reason after he graduated from college. He said he had to go through quite a bit of stuff for the application process. He didn't get the job. I told him "Well, you know that the CIA now has a very detailed profile on you. They have all the facts they need." And he said "They're the CIA, they probably already did." So I said "Oh YEAH? Then why'd they have to INTERVIEW you then, HUH?!? Yeah, answer that, Mr. I Had An Interview With The CIA!! Pbbbt!!" Then I ran away, 'cause I don't deal with government stooges.

Majestic creatures, walking the Earth again.
I'm all for scientific advancement, for the most part. Some people seem to have a deep rooted fear for anything that looks even vaguely 21st Century, but not me. Nope, I'm looking for the day when I can teleport from place to place, armed with my fully operational lightsaber. But cloning is where I have to draw the line. I mean, c'mon, can you even name one sci-fi flick where cloning was a good idea? There's wisdom in them pictures, folks.
And this guy wants to clone mammoths, for God's sake. Mammoths? Why, just the other day, I was thinking 'Man, things in this world would be soooo much better if we still had mammoths running around.' And I don't even have a degree.

The now infamous mushroom cloud.
Ah, whatever happened to the good old days of nuclear panic? There's nothing like impending doom to really get people to shape up. Honestly, though, can you imagine how awful it would be to wake up each day wondering if you were going to get blown off the face of the earth? And, even worse, to have to go through nuke drills in school where you cower under your desk? What the heck is that about? I wouldn't have worried about a nuclear bomb; I probably would have died of shame.
The best thing about this page is you get to choose your bomb. It's fitting since, these days, everybody has nukes. I'm hoping to get one soon, provided my eBay bid holds up.

The shiny red button.
I'm really worried about cartoons. Seriously. I mean, gone are the classic war dramas like Transformers, GI JOE, and He-Man that I used to watch as a kid. Instead we have some surrealistic, disturbing stuff that's plastered all over the tube. I ran across an episode of Cat-Dog the other day. Sweet Lord. In case you're unfamiliar, this is the story of a twisted genetic mistake, an animal with two heads, a cat and a dog. Oh, and the heads are on each end of the monstrosity's body. Now, the hygiene questions alone that the kids would ponder are enough to insure years of therapy.
Why can't we get back to the wholesome, quality animation that I thought was going to shape the generation after me? You know, studios like this one, who were behind the stirring classic that was Ren and Stimpy. Two animals. Two heads. Two bodies. The way God intended.

The blue represents the Earth.
It's strange that, in general, I'm against most types of content regulation on the evil, hell-spawned television, theater and Internet we love so much. Yet there's something unnerving about all the new console systems being net-ready. I can see some kid looking for the button combination for The Rock's 'Laying the Smack Down' move for WWF: Maul and Mutilate or whatever new pro wrestling game is out, and, thanks to the use of the words 'Lay' and 'Smack', finding a particularly delightful porn site. On the other hand, they'll get past that 'Government Site Hacking' stage that much sooner. In any case, I've owned a Playstation for two years. Number of games bought? 1. Yes, this computer does own my soul, it seems.

It's just not true.
Man, that movie really stunk. I mean, wouldn't it make sense that someone could take a collection of tales that has, throughout the ages, captivated many an audience and turn it into something decent? But, I guess like in most urban legends, reality takes you by surprise. Still, it's fun to look through the inspiration behind that poor film. Although, in all honesty, I just put this page up here because it contains the phrase 'Critter Country'.

Let's get it on!
The best thing about this? No Don King. I mean, seriously, I like boxing but I go into involuntary spasms every time I see that crop of hair floating in the background of a weigh-in. Only King could take the next Tyson v. Some Poor Money Starved Untalented Sap and promote it to a pay-per-view level. No sir, you might not see these big time battles anytime soon, but at least these are pure and untainted by his Evilness. Oh, and I also hate the fact that he's like a trillion times richer than I.

Play with this.
I'll let this one introduce itself:

[The sticker (shown at left) definitely bears some resemblance to the male genitalia. Another sticker on the same sheet (shown at right) can be vaguely interpreted as representing the female anatomy, at least according to one dismayed parent who purchased what she believed was a wholesome family game for her young son.
"Someone at the company probably thinks this is a big joke, but I was truly shocked. You can't look at that and tell me it doesn't suggest something rather crude," she commented.]

Also check out the Terrorist Figure controversy. And to think the most I had to deal with back in the day was a second Optimus Prime. Just more undeniable proof that toys rule. Well, except for that WWF stuff. *shudder*

Big Brother is taking pictures
At first I thought the idea of satellite pictures was an interesting one, but the more I thought about it the more it creeped me out. I mean, sure, I saw Enemy of the State so I wasn't totally in the dark; but the idea of those machines spinning overhead taking photos of us puny folks down below really makes me wish I hadn't committed all those felonies last weekend. Then I realized that this was a Microsoft site and felt better because hey they own the entire world anyway.

The comic is, in fact, nifty.
Y'know, I bet its hard as hell to be funny every single day. I mean, a select few are able to belt out a witty statement every now and then, but we're talking at a consistent rate here. I know I have yet to master such a feat. (As I'm sure Patchwork will clearly point out.) And, to top it all off, Sluggy Freelance is a comic, so they have to like draw stuff everyday too. Worship the Comic, indeed.

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