((07:28 a.m.)) Really early...or shall I say really late. I haven't slept all night so I guess I should say really early...

Well I am back. I was back a few days ago actually. Mom only let me stay in Toronto for two days. I begged her to let me stay longer but she said she didn't want me to miss class. That made me laugh because I barely go to class anyway. And seeing as I am planning to move schools and major, it hardly seems to matter. But my mother has always been "you go to school even if you have a heart attack" kinda person so I guess she can't help it. Actually, when I got to Toronto, they were expecting me because Joe called them. I had left my roommates a message that I left for Toronto and he had called mom around 8 pm to see if I got there ok. What a shock. He actually cared for my well being. Anyway, my parents asked me why I didn't call them so they can pick me up but I just said I took the bus.

It's kinda funny now that I look back on it, but when I was on the bus and getting closer to home, I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I was gripping the metal bar so hard that I am surprised it didn't break. And then some guy came on the bus who looked like Eric and I almost totally lost it. Eric is someone...I would rather forget...but can't. Every time I pass Old Mill subway station I think of him and I feel sick. Eric makes me feel filthy...and I can't stand looking at another man without thinking horrible vile thoughts. If I ever decide to be just a lesbian and not bisexual, I will blame Eric. I think I like yaoi so much because I can still appreciate the male form without any of it involving me.

But I digress. I finally got home and my family was all good with me being there. I was a zombie when I walked through the door. My family and Mr. Kyung was having dinner. Mr. Kyung is my parents' business partner but he lives in the same building as us and is pretty much my uncle. I remember sitting down at the dinner table and my grandma putting food in front of me. I didn't eat any of it though. I just kinda sat...and told them what happened. I cried a little but didn't really get a hug from my mom. She is not a touchy feely type of person. She tried...she did...but she just ended up lecturing me and telling me I was foolish. Then she finally laid off when uncle told her that I already knew everything she was telling me, that I already felt terrible about everything, and that I didn't come home to be lecured...that I just wanted some comfort. I swear, I almost hugged my uncle. If he wasn't already happily married, I would have proposed to him. I did feel better after talking to them though...I didn't eat much because I couldn't. Even the rest of the time I was there, I didn't eat much because I couldn't stomach it.

The next day, I went to see Stella. She wanted to go shopping and eating out so we did that. I was a bit tired but she said she needed work clothes and that she needed them quick so I indulged her. I had to sit down a few times though...but it was ok. Mom got a bit upset with me later because she didn't want me to over do it but it's not like I get a lot of chance to see my friends, you know? I bought two books and some frivilous stuff that I never let myself get. Got nail polish. It's been a while since I got nail polish. Anyway, Stella did lecture me for a bit...and yelled at me. It didn't make me feel very good about myself seeing as I already knew everything coming out of her mouth (and had already got this from my mom) but I knew she was just worried for me and had to let it out. Yes Stella, I am idiot and I never take care of myself and I always do this to myself. I already know this...you do not need to drill it into my head.

When I got back to London, I felt kinda detached. I saw my roommates briefly before going into my room. The next day Ashley asked me if I wanted to go food shopping. I accepted. I had a whole bunch of other errands to run for my brother (buy him some books, send them off at the post office, go to the bank etc) and Ashley drove me around all day. Not one complaint. I think she was trying to make it up to me. I have said a handful of words to Joe since I came back. I have barely looked at him. I don't really wanna do anything else. Mom and Stella told me have a talk with them but...I kinda don't want to. I took all my food into my room that Joe likes so it's not like he can take them. I really don't want to talk to them about it. Just ignore. And if they ask for stuff from me, just say no.

I have finally got my appetite back which is good...but not so good. I have been eating like crazy since I came back. I can't stop. I just plowed through two chip bags and a package of chocolate brownies. I can already feel my arteries clogging. But I feel so empty. Am I developing an eating disorder?. God I hope not. Although I have hated my body for so long, I am surprised that I haven't already developed an eating disorder. I think I will try to tone down the eating...

Already finished the first book that I bought. Stella and I have this love for witty, sarcastic British novels about single 30 something women who live in London, is miserable, and desperate for a man. Think Bridget Jones' Diary...except the author we favour writes better than Helen Fielding. Marian Keyes...you are a goddess. Anyway, I started on the second book called Last Chance Saloon yesterday and I am half way done. Around 4 am I was reading this one scene where Katherine is lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling because she is alone and miserable...and I knew exactly how she felt. Then there is Tara with her constant eating and I stared at the empty brownies bag and I knew how that felt too. I may live in London, Canada and not London, England, but it was like the book was channeling my thoughts. I am not desperate for a man like Tara though...if anything, I was more like Katherine who pushes everyone away. I wished I could be more like Fintan though...he was the only really happy person in the book. But then he was happily gay with a fabulous boyfriend who loved him. Sure he got cancer but I read ahead and he survives...with his love intact. Why is it always the gay men who have it so damned good? I am so determined to be a gay man in my next life. I wanna be tall and gorgeous with a lovely Italian boyfriend who kisses me better and tells me the bed is too big without me there. God I wish I had been born with a penis. I blame my father and his X chromosome. Damn you dad!! Why couldn't you give me the Y chromosome?! Why did you give it to Dave? He's more feminine than I am despite the fact that he is straight and homophobic of any gay-ish behaviour!

The only light I see right now is that I can go home again this Friday because it is my spring break. Only a week and two weekends but...it sounds like bliss. I think I will try to visit Esca...but I am discovering that travelling from London to Kingston is a headache. Maybe I will take the train instead of the bus...that might let me go straight there and not stop in Toronto to change routes. I think seeing Esca is good. She is the only one that doesn't lecture me and tell me I am stupid.

I am sorry for not social blogging. I got a lot of email and I want to respond to them but...I feel kinda tired. This whole year has been draining...and the last few weeks kinda took its toll on me. I feel...broken. And empty. I feel like eating more but my brother made me promise to lose weight before the summer...because he said I looked bad with short hair and the extra weight. Too bad I am used to being ugly and hating myself.

I wanna make a new blog layout but I feel too tired to do it...and that is bad sign. Blog layout making usually makes me damn happy but...well I will try again tonight. I found this really nice picture of Cloud and Zax...maybe I will use that. Cloud makes me wish I was over 6 feet tall with gorgeous silver hair...so I can ravish his tight little body and make him cry...and then hurt him some more. Just enough to draw blood. Did I mention that I took that X couple pairing test and the top four pairs that I had all had Fuuma in it? Fuuma x Kakyou, Fuuma x Kamui, Fuuma x Subaru, and Fuuma x Seishirou. I think I want twisted painful love...where I have the freedom to hurt and maim and not feel a thing. Fuuma, you are the epitome I work toward. Let me be as cruel as you so I can torture 16 year old boys and make them weep and sob until they can't cry anymore. In my next life when I have a penis, I am going to rape beautiful boys and girls and throw their broken lifeless bodies away when I am through with them. Maybe then I can move on to my next goal as being like Muraki and then actually start the killing spree. I am sick of always being nice and being taken advantaged of. I don't want to be nice anymore. I want to be known as a world class bitch and soon to be serial rapist/murderer. I crave blood...

Tuesday, February 12, 2002

((01:07 p.m.)) I decided that I am going home today. I don't know how long I will be gone but hopefully, long as possible. If I stay here for another day, I will end up killing my roommates. They are callous, cruel, apathetic, and selfish. I heard their voices and footsteps outside of my door this morning and I thought I was going to scream. If I see them again, I will become hysterical and tear them apart. So I gotta go. I'm not gonna call my mom and tell her I am coming home because I am scared she will tell me to stay...or worse, that she will come and see me here. That is unacceptable. I just came back from getting some money for Joe and the phone bill so I am covered. Just need to pack some clothes, go to the bus station, and go home. I feel really bad right now but I think I will be ok...if push comes to shove, the bus has a bathroom I can be sick in. Yesterday night when I decided to go home, I was so sure...but now I am a nervous wreck. I am praying that my parents won't get mad at me. I don't think they will...but I know my mom will want me to come back for classes. But at this point, I couldn't care less.

Everyone...thanks for the support. I really do appreciate it. I will try to read blogs and emails when I am home from the office computer. Maybe I will write some too. I shall see. *hugs everyone real tight* See ya...

Monday, February 11, 2002

((09:53 p.m.)) Just woke up to the taste of blood in my mouth. It was...alarming. Maybe I bit my tongue or something in my sleep...I didn't mean to fall asleep but I fell asleep for about an hour. Awake now. I drank some water so I feel a little less dizzy but I feel like puking. But I can't puke...because I only had food once today and I can't puke that up...that's a waste of money. Got a call from mom today. She said she put money in my bank account. So upset. I told Grandma not to tell mom that I wasn't eating because I had no money. Not gonna tell Grandma anything anymore...can't keep a secret. Gonna pay back mom after loan comes in. Joe asked for phone bill again. Need to go to the bank tomorrow and get it for him. Tired. Really tired. Phone ringing...don't wanna get it...but Ashley won't get it because she is a lazy whore and will never pick up the phone. Stopped ringing. Thank god. Don't feel like talking. Thirsty. Stomach hurts. Wanna go home. I can't stand it here anymore. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

Monday, February 11, 2002

((05:39 a.m.)) It's really late and I still can't go to sleep. I have been lying in bed for hours and still no luck. I know I haven't been blogging regularly in the last month or so but it's been a bit stressful. I usually don't rant about my personal life in this blog but I have an urge. Seriously, I talked on the phone with my friends today...and I did feel a lot better. I just wish Joe hadn't pissed me off before going to sleep. So yeah...I feel a rant coming on. If you don't wanna hear me rant then don't read today's post.

To say that the last two weeks have been hellish would be a huge understatement. I was going insane wrestling with my school administration over my student loans and no one was really helping me. I guess they are all incompetant. On top of that, I was trying to help my bro get back in school for September...but since he is currently in Korea, I did all the legwork for him. I don't really mind that...if my school administration wasn't so fucked. Along with my OSAP, every single person I talked to about Dave's re-entry into school was feeding me bullshit. No one knew what they hell they were talking about. So I would be constantly waiting in line to verify info that continually proved to be wrong. How lovely. Well I finally wrenched a correct answer and it was completely different from what I have been told before. It turns out my bro can get back into school with a simple letter faxed to the office. Now why didn't they tell me this before sending me off on some quest for some elusive sign up form? *sighs* Anyway, that is done and over with so whatever.

But what really made the last week so hellish was that I was sick as a dog. A really big snow storm hit last Monday and unfortunately, my apartment has a very strange heating system. For some reason, my room is the stuffiest in the summer and the coldest in winter. When I open the window, no air comes in. There is no air vent in the room so no air circulation. It sucks I tell you. Anyway, I can't close my window perfectly tight due to some wiring that goes through my room, outside the window, then to Joe's room. When the snow storm hit, I woke up in the middle of the night freezing and huddling near the corner of my bed against the wall. The next morning, I couldn't get up because of my cold. Lovely. My window doesn't let any air in all year except for that one time I wouldn't mind the wind to keep out. Great. So I didn't eat on Monday because I couldn't get up. I still had some errands to run on behalf of my bro so on Wednesday I had to get up but dang that was painful. It was even more painful since that was the day I found out that the admins really screwed me over and I had been totally wasting my time. Was not pleased. Then I got my period. So basically, in a week, I had very little sleep, about 7 meals in total in 7 days, was sick with a cold the whole time, and a period which heralds massive cramps and headaches. Dang.

The sad part is, even if I wanted to eat (or had the energy to cook), I couldn't because I barely had any food since I had no money. Sad...really sad. My roommate Ashley said I could have some of her food...but then when I asked for a slice of pizza she said no. When I tell her I am starving because I have no food, her only reply to me is that she eats very little too. Which is bullshit. She went on a huge grocery shopping spree (so much that the fridge was full to the max) and the food was obviously disappearing. So what? Her fish was eating it? Of course not. I really wish she wouldn't lie through her teeth to me. So I decided I will not ask her again for food because she is a horrible human being. As for Joe...I am disappointed. I didn't expect Joe to help me...but I didn't expect him to make it worse for me...and he did. Ashley at least didn't lecture me...saying I needed to eat. She just ignored the fact that I couldn't get up from bed and was wasting away because I had been skipping meals frequently in the last two weeks due to no cash. Joe on the other hand, kept lecturing me, saying I gotta stop doing this to myself, that it's not healthy. Well Joe, trust me, I wasn't doing this on purpose.

And I really loved it when he came into my room this early afternoon...I just woke up from my comatose nap and I couldn't get up...and he walks in and asks to use my computer. So I say sure. Why not. Then he gives me the whole speech again...and he cracks a joke about how his pets are starving but I shouldn't. Then I tell him I have no food. Then he says that Ashley was willing to share her food. Well...when I glared at him and told him she wasn't willing to share one slice of pizza, that shut him up. Then of course he makes the brilliant comment that I need to go grocery shopping. Well dude, if you remember correctly, did I not ask you to go with me a few days ago? Unfortunately, the grocery store is very far from where I live and I REALLY didn't wanna ride the bus in the snow when I was sick. Guess he forgot. And of course, after his business with my computer is done, he leaves.

The things is...I don't expect my roommates to take care of me. I don't expect them to mother me. I have shared so much of my food and stuff with them and none of it came with a string attached. But what amazed me was the sheer selfishness and cruelty in their actions. If one of my roommates was sick and couldn't get up to make food...I would make food for them. Or if they didn't have any money because the school screwed up the loan so it was coming late, I would buy grocery for them and tell them to pay me back when the loan came. I mean, buying simple things like bread and milk is not exactly expensive. It just amazed me...that both of my roomates knew I was very very sick and I hadn't eaten in days...and they completely ignored me. No better, they rubbed it in my face.

But should I be surprised? I mean, Ashley cares more about her plants and animals then other human beings. Is it any wonder she doesn't care if I waste away in my room? And Joe doesn't feed his pets. His chinchilla goes over a week without water. He walks right by their cage and ignores them. So if he can starve a poor defenseless animal that is 100% dependant on him, is it any wonder he doesn't care that I was suffering? That he had the gall to lecture me that I wasn't eating when I couldn't?

I think the lowest point of last week was when I ate dried up rice that was in the rice cooker. It had been sitting there for days since I hadn't made anything new. But I was so hungry that I just ate plain hard dried out rice. It made my stomach hurt. But I think the lowest point was yesterday...when I realized that if Joe or Ashley had come into my room with water, stale bread and one kind word, I would have cried from gratitude. I would literally have got on my knees and cried in thanks. And that shames me. And that angers me.

When it came down to it, it wasn't the stupid registrar office, or the loan, or the illness, or the lack of food that made me miserable. Yes they all made me feel miserable but the real reason I was suffering was because I was so alone. And my isolation became even more apparent to me when my roommates, who I thought were at least decent human beings, would completely ignore me...or see me but wasn't willing to lift a finger to help me. I didn't care if they didn't give me food...but it would have been nice if they looked at me and didn't see through me. It was so painful because I knew if they were in my situation I would help them...it came to the point I was daydreaming that they would find my starved body dead and dried up in my room. How morbid.

Tonight, I told Joe that I had to give him my part of the new phone bill later. He had asked for it earlier this week and I payed part of it but I wanted to use the last of my cash to order food. I told him this and he accepted. So I ordered pizza. It was delicious but I couldn't eat much because I felt like puking it up. It's been like that for anything I tried to eat lately. But what really bugged me...was that Joe later came into my room and asked for a slice. That in itself doesn't bother me...despite the fact that he never even cared to help me in the slightest bit. But what really pissed me off...was that he gave me 3 bucks. That's right. He said I needed the money. I protested but he kinda left it on my drawer and ran with the pizza.

Wow...I have never been so insulted in my life. Did he think that I was so low and petty that I would ask for money for one stinking slice of pizza? Do I look like Ashley? NO. So when he leaves for work, I will put back the 3 bucks on his desk with a note. If he was willing to give me kindness as one human being to another...I would have accepted graciously. But to pay me off because of pity? For one slice of pizza? And telling me that I "needed" his three bucks more than him because he was rich? WOW. You know what you could have done for me instead of insulting me like this? You could have been a decent soul and gave me a ride to the grocery store. It's not like he has any food either...after all...he is always mooching off me...which is one of the reason I don't have any food right now. So Joe, you can take your three bucks and shove it. I can live without your three dollars, thank you very much.

I feel bitter. Everytime I think that maybe I am too cynical about the human race, someone goes off and proves me wrong. If the people I have been living with for the last 5 and a half months and counted as "friends" would literally watch me starve and suffer from illness, that really makes me doubt the idea of friendship in general. It's like those people in cities who see children sleeping in the streets or see a person getting mugged and they just walk on by...pretending they don't see anything. Due to the period and no food and no water...I am very dehydrated. If one of my roomates had just walked in with a glass of water, I would died from gratitude. I guess that makes me pretty pathetic.

I should be getting some money today. A friend owes me money and she was supposed to have payed me back on Saturday but she forgot. But she said she will give me the money today so I will wait. And Joe and his phone bill can wait too. I mean, after all, he is loaded right? He shouldn't be needing MY generosity right? Gosh...did I mention that Joe was stashing one of my instant bowl ramen in his room for himself? That would have come in handy when I was dizzy from lack of nutrients.