Friday, July 6, 2001, 05:07 p.m.

Ok. 1/3 of my summer school is now over. *sighs in relief* But seriously, out of the whole week, today was the hardest. x.x;; I feel like a very UNWILLING Hermione. >_<;; If you read Harry Potter, you will know what I mean. Oh Leareth san, I know what you mean but this is so different! It's like they are using me like a grammar checker in a computer! >_<; That is kind of ironic though because I don't check grammar for people...they just want me to check their ideas and proofs. -_-; I am one of the few people in the class who can actually read Shakespeare and understand it. This one guy came up to me today and asked me to proofread something and I said I wasn't the teacher...so maybe he shouldn't risk asking another student. I mean, what if I am wrong? o_O;; But he was like: "I know but you always know the answer and I want a good mark in this class...so please?" -___-;; UGH! So I read it for him made some minor corrections for him. Then oh boy, the rest came flocking in. I think the worst part was when the dickhead (AKA the annoying Korean boy beside me) asked for a proofread of his essay. He didn't even ask. -_-; He just slapped his paper on my desk and DEMANDED that I read it. When I glared him and said I had my own work to do his reply was: "NOW." What kind of a fucker is he? What right does he have to order me to read his essay? An essay that he copied off someone else too! >_<;; Well needless to say, I didn't read it. Stupid fucker. Of course, he spent the rest of the day being even more unpleasant to me, spouting off how he knows all these gang members from hard core Asian gangs. Do I look intimated, punk? This is what I think of you and little gang members! *flashes middle finger*

And if it isn't the dickhead, it's everyone sitting behind me. All I can hear all day is loud yells of "faggots!", "Shit that chick is hot!", or some other idiocy. @_@;; I think the best part was when the two guys sitting behind me were talking about how they hate gay men and that they want to beat them up. -__-;; Ok...in case anyone who is reading this doesn't know, I am bisexual. Usually when I hear homophobic remarks, I try not to react too strongly to it since after all, everyone is entitled to their beliefs. But some of the gargabe that was spouting out of their mouths made me SO angry. I pointed out to them that they should be careful what they say because 1 in 10 people are gay, lesbian, or bisexual. So for all they know, someone in class will hear you and won't appreciate the garbage. They laughed and asked who is gay in this class and my only answer was "ME". ^_^ Of course, they suddenly backpaddled and started acting like they were joking, the fucking hypocrites. And then inevitably...they said: "But you know, I don't like gay guys but lesbians are cool. You know...like two girls...Heh heh..."

UGH!! And once again, my estimation of straight men goes down another notch. -_-;;; At this rate, maybe I'll just be a lesbian...*looks at a picture of Dark Mousy* But then again...maybe not. *_* Dark sama!! *glomps*

But some good news. I am going to see my friend Stella tomorrow and watch a movie. She promised to feed me. *_* I get so happy whenever food is mentioned. ^^; I am easy to please.

Kiri. Let's be mad lesbian lovers together! *_* The hell with Dave! Move in with me! I'll be your sugar mommy...and then pimp your body on the side. HOHOHOHO!! ^_^v Meta the Pimp Mommy!

Esca you lucky bitch! ;_; I want to be in Korea too! I want to buy all of those glorious manga for dirt cheap prices!! ;__; *hugs* And I miss you!

Don't worry Reinselft san. ^_^ It was a surprise but not enough to cause a heart attack. ^^v And YES I must join the anti Netscape clique. Netscape screws up this blog layout. -_-; And there's an anti Squall clique there too? Oh yeah!! *_* It's FF7 all the way baby!! Turks rule!! *_* *glomps Rufus*

Yo Kit san...glad to hear you had fun at work. ^_^ So you are a lawyer eh? That's cool! My mom wanted me to be a lawyer but then I told her I'd rather be a starving artist in a cockroach infested apartment. ^_^v

AHHH!!! Tsukineko san!! You got Hunter x Hunter!!?? *_* I LOVE HxH!! I've read the manga up to 10 and saw a few of the episodes! ^_^ So far, Hisoka and Kirua are my favourites. *_* Is it wrong to lust after a 12 year old assassin with Enishi hair? ;_; *hugs Kirua* And as for Hisoka...*swoons*

And some final ramblings before I go...I am so firmly hooked into Hanakimi right now...I definitely want a Hanakimi blog layout next. But who should I choose? @_@;;

Thursday, July 5, 2001, 04:28 p.m.

Argh! I haven't blogged in ages! Or was it just a few days? o_O; Not sure.

Well summer school is ok. It's OAC English so I wasn't really expecting anything hard...seeing as English is my best subject. But two things I didn't foresee: 1. The EXTREMELY annoying Korean boy beside me who won't stop spouting garbage. -_-; If he isn't making some disgusting racial slur, he's trying to get all the girls sitting around him to fuck him. Oh except me. He decided I am not his "type" of Asian girl. Well excuse me if I don't want to share my homework with you. Do your own work you fucker. It's not my fault if you can't understand King Lear because you won't read the frickin' book! >_<;; Stupid dickhead. And of course 2. where everyone (including the dickhead) asks me for help. ^^; I don't mind this too much but it does get a little weird when people come up to you and ask you to proofread their stuff. ^^; I mean...isn't that what the teacher is for? Crikey!! o_O;; Don't they consider that I might be WRONG? But still, summer school is ok. I usually finish my work before the rest of the class so I just read manga and sleep. ^__^ And they fixed the air conditioning so the school is nice and cool. Heh...I laughed so hard today when the guy behind me asked me why I am in summer school. ^^; I told him I skipped school for over 2 months and he wouldn't believe me. ^^;; Heh...looks are deceiving...I may LOOK like a nice girl but I am really evil! *cackles*

AHH!! I miss everyone so much!! ;_; I miss all of my YnM blog friends! And even when they resurrect our poor blog, I won't be there! Wah! @_@;; They're gonna put Hisoka in a French maid outfit while I am gone! I must prevent this!! @_@;; Esca is in Korea and Kiri is far far away. ;_; Meta misses you guys...

Taryn san...I am so sorry that your holiday was bad. *hugs* I hope you feel better now...

Kit san, you sound so stressed! ;_; *hugs tight* Maybe you can take a vacation? It's not good to overwork and don't sleep...I know this first hand. -_-; Meta = Insomniac. Gambatte kudasai!!

Tsukineko san, I am sure your room is much better than mine. ^^; My aunt and I already have a bet going how long my clean room is gonna last...she bet a week. -_-;; Does she have such little faith me? ;___;

And whoa, Reinselft san. You changed layout so quickly. x.x;; For a moment there, I thought I had gone to the wrong blog. o_O; But it looks really nice. ^_^ Woo! An anti-Netscape clique? ME ME ME!!! *kills Netscape*

Monday, July 2, 2001, 04:14 p.m.

I finally finished cleaning my room. x.x;; I took everything apart and re-arranged stuff. It looks SO CLEAN. I only clean my room when I am really pushed for space...in this case, I needed more shelf room for my manga. ^^;; And then when I started moving stuff, I realized I had too many books that I no longer read so I donated it to my building library. ^^;; All in all, my room looks great. ^_^ And very spartan. Just the way I like it. ^__^ People walk into my room and think it's a boy's room. o_O;; I lost count of how many guests come into my room and say: "Oh this your son's room?". >_<; I think it's the explosion of technical hardware, plus the mountain of video games, and of course, the manga, that makes people think it's a guy's room. ^^; Meta = Tomboy.

My bro came home yesterday...and I have been feeling low since then. He didn't bring back my Trigun DVDs like he said he would...I didn't even get a chance to watch those DVDs when I loaned it to him...still in the plastic seal. *sighs* He never considers my feelings.

I am about to choose my University courses. This simple step will drastically affect my future career. So why do I feel so apathetic toward it? Oh well. As soon as I get it done, I don't have to look at my bro's face. Did I mention his two friends are in my CLEAN room, pushing stuff around, going on my computer without permission and downloading clips of CAR RACING?! And they are being so loud about it. My bro is supposed to help me with the courses but he is too busy dissecting the car footages with his friends. I hate men.

Sunday, July 1, 2001, 01:32 p.m.

Oh my god that was weird! O_O;; I just saw the first episode of an anime show called "Comic Party". I had randomly downloaded it and had no idea what to expect. It started out really weird and I was going to turn it off but then...I saw it. O.O; The convention center where Comiket is held!! *_* It turned out that the show was about doujinshi!! *_*_*_*_* Now for those poor folks who don't know what doujinshi is, it's basically a fan comic. They are extremely popular in Japan and there are HUGE conventions dedicated to it and Comiket is the biggest. The sad part was that while I was watching this show, all I could think was: "Curses. This is the closest I will EVER get to Comiket! *weep weep*". ;_; So instead, I still mostly collect my doujinshi off eBay. I have a lot of YYH and FF7. ^^;

But seriously, watching the show was really cool. The only show that ever referred to doujinshi or cosplayers that I saw was Di Gi Charat and it was just a mention. To actually see how the Japanese public views this fandom was quite neat. ^_^ The show even portrayed scary hentai doujinshi otaku's perfectly! ^__^ UGH! I want some Card Captor Sakura doujinshi but 98% of them are hentai. -_-;; I even found some with Touya x Sakura. o_O;; SCARY!! Now if I see a Touya x Yukito doujishi...hell, even Touya x Yue! *_*

I didn't catch a cold, Leareth san. ^_^ Thanks for the concern. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who did absolutely nothing but goof off yesterday. ^_^ And I love puddles...

Saturday, June 30, 2001, 10:13 p.m.

I had a very fun day that ended strangely. o_O;; I went to see Esca today because she is going to Korea on Monday. We ate good food, shopped manga like mad, watched Tomb Raider, and ate more good food. All in all, it was a good day. ^_^

Now the strange part. Well more an unplesant surprise than strange. Today, I bought A TON of manga. I usually treat myself to one or two volumes but I never bought so much all at once. ^^; I bought Hikaru no Go 1-3, Chobits 1, and Hanakimi 1, 3-9, and the newest volume 15!! *_* I now have all of Hanakimi except for volume 2 (which I placed an order). I also got it for a fantastic price!! ^_^ What can I say, I am very chummy with the store owner...the running joke between us is that my large spendings in his store feed his children. ^^; But I digress.

After buying so much delicious manga, I was on the bus back home...when it starteds raining. HARD. Complete with thunder and lightning and all that good stuff. It was raining so hard that you couldn't see in front of you. THEN it hit me. I had my precious manga in a big open PAPER bag. @_@;; There was no way in hell I was gonna get these wet!! >_<;; So I went up and down the bus and BEGGED people to spare me a plastic bag. Finally, one lady took pity on me and gave me a bag JUST before my stop. @_@;; I dashed into the bus shelter and bagged up my manga nice and tight and ran like hell!! >_<;; It's about a 10 minute walk from my apartment to the bus stop but it seemed longer. x.x;; By the time I got near my place, the rain had stopped...but then the lawn sprinkler system turned on. -_-;; It caught me by surprise and I got a faceful of water. o_O;; And I don't know why but for some reason, that made me laugh uncontrollably. @_@;; I just cracked I tell you. By the time I got into the elevator PACKED with people, I was dripping wet and very short of breath. x.x; But then this little Korean boy pointed to me and said to his mom: "Look. The girl is all wet. I guess she didn't have an umbrella." No duh Sherlock! And I'm Korean too so I understood that brat! >_<;; So I stupidly said aloud: "Uh...I just bought comic books and I really didn't want to get them wet...". Then they all laughed at me. -_-;; *cries*

But I am now home safe...and so are my manga. x.x; None of them got wet. Hey Reinselft san...want a pic of Naked Umeda Sensei? ^_~;; *nosebleed*

And so that was my day. ^_^ It was very fun. Even getting piss ass wet was fun. I usually enjoy thunder storms and getting rained on. If it wasn't for my manga, I would have stayed outside. ^^; Hell, even the sprinkler in my face was funny. ^^;;

Saturday, June 30, 2001, 12:47 a.m.

Today was my last day of work before summer school. I have all of July off and I have a choice of not coming back in August if I don't want to. My boss turned out to be pretty understanding when I told her my situation. I need the money but at the same time, I haven't had a vacation in AGES. Once I get into University, I will most likely work each summer for money so maybe I should take this August off and travel a bit. I REALLY want to go see Kiri because I miss her SO MUCH!! Damn you woman! ;_; Why do you live so far away!! *hugs* And I read your blog sweets...I feel the same. *hugs tight* AND YOUR STORY IDEA IS NOT DRIVEL! *KICKS* I may love you but only /I/ can insult you. ^_^

I managed to convince my mom to let me use an hour of internet a day during summer school...but that means no group blogging for the YnM/PsoH blog...and no site updates. ;_; *cries*

I drew a SD version of myself. It looks kinda cute in a confused where-the-hell-am-I kind of way. ^^;; Also working on a pic for Kiri and Leareth san. Probably won't finish tonight but maybe tomorrow?

Friday, June 29, 2001, 02:39 p.m.

Eh. Feeling kinda blah. It's hot. @_@;; Well I gotta go work in a few minutes so I guess I should make this fast...but I don't really feel like it. >_<;; Ahh...apathy...my friend. *hugs*

Tee hee. Glad Leareth san liked my insane email. *_* I promise to draw you a Tsuzuki Fic Bunny when I get back from work...

Thursday, June 28, 2001, 12:53 p.m.

OH MY GOD! @_@;; Our YnM/PsoH blog is gone!!! NOOO!!! ;___; I can't believe it happened! But don't worry folks, the trusty admins of our blog are working hard to restore it...as for me, I gotta make those Hisoka screencaps...

*hugs* Relax, Tsukineko san. I know you will do well on your exams. ^_^

Esca, why did you erase your blog entries?

Ok...today is the day I am gonna rest a bit and get some chores done...like apply for a student loan. ^^; Heh...I hope it goes through. See ya later folks.

Thursday, June 28, 2001, 12:03 a.m.

All right!! I got back from work about half an hour ago and I feel great! This is VERY rare. Even when I work with people I like, by the end of the night, the cranky/anal/picky/rude customers make me feel like killing people. And today I also worked with my two co-workers that didn't really know what they were doing despite over a month training! We also had secret inspectors from head office check us out...but I couldn't guess which of the customers they were. @_@;; But you know what, despite all this, I feel great!! ^__^ I had so much energy and happiness all day and boy did those customers benefit. ^_^ I was extra service all day. ^_^ Wanna know why I was so happy? It's because of THIS!!! Heh...note to self...go blog before going to work. OK! My parents are demanding the use of the computer so I will do this in rapid fire succession!!

Kit san, I hope your flu gets better. ;_; Drink lots of fluids and sleep a lot.

Tsukineko san, hang in there! Exams will be done! *_* Good luck!

Esca, move out of your house and stay out. PLEASE. I fear for your life. I AM NOT JOKING. If anything happens to you, I swear, I will personally hunt them down.

Satsuki san, we're all bitter about the progress of X. Oh if only I can rant now...

Kiri. I love you. You are my light. *hugs*

Leareth san, your plots for this is evil and I love it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2001, 02:10 p.m.

Ok...I have to start getting ready for work but just one last blog!

THIS is so wonderful!! I have been busy so I wasn't a frequent blogger there but I blogged like mad this morning! *_* Lots of evil plots forthcoming people...stay tuned. *cackles evilly* KARMA I TELL YA!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2001, 11:58 p.m.

Just got back from work. Tired as hell.

Kit san, Leareth san, thank you so much for your emails. It made me feel better. As for tonight, I had a bad night at work but since my dad doesn't want to see me upset or annoyed I am just gonna stay in my room and not come out. He actually said that...he said that if I had a bad day at work and come home a little cranky, he doesn't want to see me like that so I should just fake a smile. ^_^ Well I am too tired for that so I will avoid instead...sigh...

This is getting weirder and weirder. Enma has now been revealed as a hentai peeping tom...he's my kind of god!! If he sold those tapes on eBay, and sent a discreet email to the YnM Mailing List, he'd make a killing. And Tatsumi will probably want royalties on the video footages of him. *rolls eyes*

I feel like writing a fic and that is rare. Something involving Muraki and lots of blood. I shall think about it...

Monday, June 25, 2001, 11:31p.m.

When I created this blog, one of the thoughts I had was: "Since this will be a public blog, how much of my true feelings would I be willing to reveal? How much of my life would I be willing to show to those people out there?" And the answer I came to is...pretty much everything. After all, what repercussions should I fear? It's not like a story of my utterly lonely life will scandalize someone across the globe. There are people like me everywhere. So here I go.

My father had a talk with me today. I guess it was supposed to be a pep talk...you know, stay strong, it's hard right now but you'll get through it, etc. I really did appreciate the gesture...but some of the stuff he said almost contradicted itself. I think my favourite part was where he said that life is hard for him too (and I do sympathize) but he gets through and just smiles so he will not worry the family. This sentiment, I can also understand. Then he told me that he knows I am going through a hard time right now...but his life is harder. He then launched into a speech loaded with math figures of our poor financial situation...which I also pretty much knew of. So far, the guilt trip was working. THEN he dealt the final blow. He said...he said that even though I may be having a hard time right now...if I SHOW that I am suffering, then he will suffer more because my misery will add to his harsh life. SO thus, even if I feel bad, I should just smile and never show it to him.

At first...I wasn't sure how I felt about this. I know my parents are having it hard right now and my dismal performance in school this semester (which I just saved) didn't help. But to tell me that I can't show my pain outward because it will just make it harder for him...it's just downright selfish. Doesn't he realize that watching him worry and pace all night makes me unhappy? But do I ever tell him to stop? Do I ever tell him "Dad. Your frustrations and anger to the world is making me feel more stressed. So make a pretense of happiness and then I won't be worried." No, I don't.

And the funny thing is, one of the reasons why I screwed up school this semester was exactly that. I was having a bad time but I didn't show it outward because I didn't want to worry my parents. I didn't want to add my stress to theirs. Of course it was dumb of me...when I saw that I was in a deep deep hole, I should have asked for help but fear plus pride kept the best of me. When I finally came clean with them and salvaged my marks by begging and scraping to my teachers, my parents emphasized the importance of being vocal about my problems.

And now...he has just utterly destroyed that advice. So what am I to do now? Shall I continue my merry way, pretending everything is fine and rosy just so my father will not be more stressed? Or shall I show my anger or depression so I can ask for help? It's a fine little mess isn't it?

But I think the part that hurts most is that I will most likely never talk about this with him. I can only sit here...and type in my blog...as I weep because I feel betrayed by my father...

And the kicker? My brother knows the url to this blog...if he reads it, I am not sure what he will do. Tell mom and dad? Maybe. Would that be so bad? Maybe. I'd rather he not. After all, this IS my blog...and the thoughts I write here belong only to me.

So I guess I have done it now...I have now officially ruined my happy blog. This blog was supposed to be a record of my happier moments...shopping, chatting with friends, getting to know online rpg buddies...it wasn't supposed to be tainted by my feelings. I was supposed to be like Tsuzuki...always genki, always smiling, and never ever telling people how I feel so lonely inside. After all, who'd be there for me? No one...in this world, the only person I can totally trust and depend on...is me.

I am getting my exam marks tomorrow. I hope they are good. Then I can show them proudly to my father and say "Look daddy! Isn't it a great mark?! ^_^"

Maybe my smile will lessen his pain.

Monday, June 25, 2001, 08:18 p.m.

Ok! I am back from my shopping/wandering excursion! ^_^ Since I bought lots of manga, I am much happier today than I was yesterday. ^^;; I went to the manwa bang (Manga Room) and returned the books I borrowed and lo and behold, what do I see before me? SAIYUKI GAIDEN! *_*_*_* Yahoo!! I have it in Japanese but I could only make out the basic plot and now I know pretty much everything! Not all though...my Korean wasn't good enough to understand all the political stuff that Tenpou and Konzen were discussing. x.x;; But Goku and Nataku were SOO cute together! ;_; I think one of my favourite part is when Kenren (who looks like Gojyo with his hair cut) says Goku is his illegimate child!! *falls off chair laughing*

Then I headed off to my local anime shop to pick up the Minekura manga, Chobits, and Lawful Drug...and met with slight disappointment. -_-; Someone JUST there before me had bought Chobit and Lawful Drug! Oh the injustice! @_@;; And then when I was looking at the Minekura manga, I decided not to buy them. ^^; I love Minekura sensei's stuff but now that I got a chance to take a long look at her old stuff, it's definitely not as sophisticated as Saiyuki. So I decided to get them at a later time...and instead, I bought Hanakimi 11 - 14. ^^;;;; I am usually very picky about collecting manga in order but Hanakimi is one of those exceptions. I bought volume 10 on a whim because I thought the cover was nice. ^^;;; That was almost half a year ago...and now I finally picked up more. ^__^ Wow...I am doing this backwards. But on a good note, Hanakimi 14 ROCKS! *_* It's all about Umeda sensei in his student years!! *_* He was so cute!! And the guy he hooked up with was cute too. *COUGH* More scanning fodder for you, Reinselft san! ^_^

I also got Banana Fish 5. *_* I love this manga! People, go and get it! The art style might be "shoujo pretty" but the plot and the characters are complex and to die for! And oh yeah, the yaoi is nice too. ^^;; Nothing too graphic...just kind of suggestive. ^^;;

Leareth san, I'm glad you liked the Kaworu scans. ^_^ And is it just me or is there something wrong with your blog? o_O;; The side table with your stats is sliding down as you write more entries. Maybe it isn't vertically aligned as "top"? I had that trouble with my old Sanzo layout...

Sunday, June 24, 2001, 09:33 p.m.

I spent most of the day sleeping. I really needed the rest since the last week has been so crazy. Sigh. I don't know why but I feel a little down. Kiri, where are you? I never see you online...I miss you. *hugs*

I recently picked up the first volume of Angelic Layer. I heard it was drawn by Mick Nekoi so I wanted to get it but I wasn't sure what to expect. It was supposed to be CLAMP's first full out shounen series so I was kind of curious. Well my conclusion is this: WEIRD. The drawings are very sketchy and it tends to go into SD moments a lot...which is not bad but the SD style in Angelic Layer makes the characters look like an octopus. x.x;; I am planning to pick up the first volume of Chobits and Lawful Drug tomorrow...maybe they will be better? I also reserved two Minekura manga. One is called "Brother" and the other one is called "Just". I know "Just" is yaoi but I am not sure about the other one...but I don't really care. Anything drawn by Minekura sensei is godly.

Hmm...my mom is making spaghetti...I can smell the sauce from my room...

I tried to make a wallpaper yesterday to go with my new layout. But it didn't turn out very well. But I did like the little poem I scribbled on it...it's the same one that appears when you move your cursor over the Ishigami pic on my blog. Here it is:

"What happens when you're left all alone? No family, no friends, no safe harbour. Do you cry? Do you yell? Or like me, do you hunt? To forever hunt for that elusive end that is just out of reach. The tantilizing dream that will finally abolish this wretched loneliness..."

This is kind of how I feel right now...I think I will go eat ice cream and drown my sorrow...ja ne minna.

Saturday, June 23, 2001, 09:59 p.m.

Yay!! A new blog layout! ^__^ Isn't Ishigami so yummy?! *_* Too bad I never finished translating Kamikaze. @_@; It was a decent manga. ^^;; The only beef I have with this layout is that in Netscape, the main pic is about 2 pixels off where it should be...so it doesn't align perfectly with the background pic. -_-;; Oh well...most people use IE anyways. ^^;;

I feel kinda bad because I haven't been participating in this too much. ;_; The last few days have been really hectic and then I suddenly had an urge to make this layout so I didn't sleep. @_@;; And rpging Hisoka is harder than I thought...I'm having fun making him out-of-character (hee...Hisoka with a libido) but it doesn't really suit him. ^^; I am so much better with rpging cold scary people. ;_; I have this same trouble in my X RPG. Satsuki is a breeze for me...but Kamui. @_@;; I don't make a good uke...