 as defined by Pacifico Ortiz Luis |
|
as defined by Pacifico Ortiz Luis |
| ||
| i told myself i was no longer gonna let this drug control me. when i initially said it...i still took a couple of hits. but i'm over it now. let's throw a party, because i'm clean...and no longer do i have these cravings, nor do i see myself reaching for a quick hit any time in my four year future. no way will i let this drug control me. the only reason it got inside my system in the first place, is because i went out looking to score a fix of it. but then i realized, this drug can't control me. it is not living. it is passive. it's impossible that this drug will ever try to actively inject itself into my veins. drugs don't do that. it is with that thought, that i realize i am better than that. why am i wasting my time and money on a quick high when i'm trying to elevate myself in life? i guess my tolerance for it just built up. i can't believe i actually lowered my standards for so long. quite frankly, it's not even that great of a drug. |
| ||
| i used to think that the journey of finding myself was an actual physical journey where i would have to live out of my car and perform around different parts of california while surfing in the morning. this was only with the assumption that my self was lost, so it was my duty to find it. this may be true in some aspects...but in reality...i was never lost. i had a clear direction of where i wanted to go. my self was already there waiting to be molded by what i was thinking. there was no need to find myself. there was more of a need to define myself. what is it about my self that makes me who i am? how am i remembered? what exactly am i doing with my life? these are all questions looking for definitions...not buried treasure. |
| ||
|
absolutely nobody knows that i have developed a keen perception of nonverbal cues and their meanings. because, let's face it...words deceive. we choose them carefully to force our interpretations on other people. i can tell alot about a person based solely on what they DON'T say. it's so subtle that it can easily be missed. but now...i know. it's funny how much i know...and all this is based off of things people never say out loud. by the way, i was hit on again today. i wasn't in the mood to flirt back. it was early in the morning, i was out with the family, and i felt dirty because i woke up after a sweaty night of dancing. just observing this woman...it was totally clear what her thoughts and intentions were before she even opened her mouth....i was just waiting for her. but now i feel kinda bad...maybe from now on, i'll exchange numbers with every girl that hits on me...so at least i can make a couple more friends. |
| ||
|
it's never good to go cold turkey, because you're still gonna get those cravings. i tried easing out of it, taking smaller and smaller doses to groove my way back to sobriety...but no...each hit provoked another. until i decided the best way for me, with my particular addiction, was to overdose. i can see so many possible ways to save it...but after overdosing...i realized...i don't want to. |
| ||
|
i told myself i'm gonna keep talking about my random dates and flirtations to a minimum...but i want to highlight that last night i scored a number from a tall redheaded educated genuine[i really mean that] art lover that also happens to enjoy a classy glass of red wine while being dressed in a manner that attracts me because it conveys a particular personality... anyway....passion. i strongly urge everybody to have one. you can certainly "technically" live life without one...but that'll probably mean that your life was void of meaning. it's the difference between waking up early to go to your job so you can pay the bills to waking up to get a good parking spot at the beach because the surf report says the conditions are excellent. in that example, having a passion clearly doesn't pay the bills....but it can. last night, my passion for hip hop has brought me the most fulfilling performance of my life so far. this was not even a hip hop event...it was a jazz gig. weird huh? i got to work with so many different types of eccentric musicians. a drummer, a tap dancer, a DJ, a spoons player, a body percussionist, an accordion player, and some other out there instruments. my network/social circle has just increased to reach an even higher radius than it already has. not to mention that this is an actual paying gig...in a classy downtown club. with the networking i've done, there is gonna be alot more future projects coming out of me. not to mention the girl i met tonight being an added bonus. my passion brought me money, friends, fame, women, love, pleasure, and most importantly...a reason to "live"....i've been living this way for a while now...and it's brought me alot of good fortune. it's a great way to pent out and get over depression...but one thing that should never be overlooked is that on your journey to your ultimate goal...you will experience alot of things. these things will help build you as a person. even if your goal is not fulfilled, the things you experienced will give you something to fall back on. [all my talents now are connected to each other if you trace my history...everything i learned, i was introduced to by a previous talent...it was all a process]... i just feel really good about myself tonight...and that's not even taking into consideration the other things going on in my life that i am deciding not to include in this entry. :] passion...find it...follow it...live it. |
| ||
|
charm. i'm already conscious i have it. sometimes i've consciously decided to hide it. sometimes charm gets me into trouble. i have to mediate how much of it i am using at any given time. today...a group interview for a retail company. easy right? last group interview, i used a little too much charm. this time, it was jussst right. i was almost tempted to hold the interview myself...but by the end of the session, i became the center of the conversation as it seemed people were shy, subtract a couple few. awkward silence should never be around me unless i want it to be awkward. and today i wanted to make friends... and so i did. i'd get into the details about how...but talking about every single girl i flirt/date/interact with would deem me "conceited". so just note, i'm going to try not to talk about it as often...just remember it happens. and there i stepped into the room off of the cover of GQ, and there is this beautiful girl staring at me as i get a seat across the table from her...still staring. she's hott. laughs at everything i say even if it is blatantly supposed to not be funny. i especially liked the way she repeated my name like it was some sort of exotic wine she didn't know how to pronounce while adding a little bit of spice to it. she totally wanted me. i could see it in her eyes as i "moo"ed her during the interrupting cow joke. BUT...i didn't get her number. just so you know...that's one thing i need to improve on. i'm always in the mindset of "oh i'll see her again"...so i don't get it...but i don't want to get it unless i have a reason to. and in this case, i didn't have a reason. but when i DO get numbers, it'd probably be really fun to watch myself in third person...because it's really smoooooth. i should teach classes about how to use charm...but first i gotta master my own. |
| ||
|
note to the readers: this is definitely not directed any of you individually...even the guy who pointed out my egocentric post. honestly, i have been made to feel so self-conscious right now. well, in the notion that i am aware of what i am thinking...not that i am aware of what i am doing and will monitor my actions based on what people want me to do....seriously FUCK THAT. yes. i have a high opinion of myself. yes. i talk about myself. this is a personal blog. i don't really understand the "conceited" label though. egocentric. perhaps. I'M A POET. I WRITE ABOUT MY LIFE. even if i wrote a poem about some random homeless person i met on the streets, my personality would be transmitted into my interpretation of him in the poem. but now, it's like i can't talk about any of my accomplishments anymore because it'll make me "conceited". i must pretend that i live a mundane life and blend in with the rest of society so people will think i am "ordinary". i'm not going to point fingers and make false accusations of self-insecurities or jealousness...because that would make me full of myself. and why should anybody want to be threatened by me anyway? i'm unmotivated. i'm not ambitious. i don't take care of my mind. i don't take care of my body. i don't try to make new friends with people i don't know. i don't try to live life. i don't try to set a good example for young people to follow. i absolutely HATE trying new things. i don't try period. it's like i should just stop blogging/talking because chances are i'm going to talk about my ambitions or a new girl i met over the weekend. but you know what FUCK THAT. i'm not exaggerating any truths in this blog.[aside from the metaphors which is more bending the truth than me trying to lionize my image] in fact, i'm HIDING alot of truths from this blog and from conversations. maybe i should've kept this blog private....maybe then i would be able to talk about all the things that make me happy in life...instead of having to water everything down for people to understand. when i say new years should be celebrated on my birthday because i am the center of the universe...I AM JOKING. sheesh! it's funny though. people take me seriously when i'm joking...but when i'm serious, they think i'm joking. this universe is backwards. |
| ||
| i've been actively on stage ever since i was 8. i've been dancing and interpreting music since i can remember. funny how some people say "life is a stage"...when mine really IS a stage. |
| ||
|
i've heard that mind processes can be split into three categories: past, present, and future. generally people think in one of these tenses.. past people are the types that like to reminisce and say things like "remember when...". in no way am i a past person. this is why i live with no regrets...i hate keeping my mind focused on the past. it seems like the only reason i remember things is to use them later in the future. but really...thinking about the past depresses me. i haven't lived a tragic life or anything...i just don't like thinking about the past. it's to the point that i've been wanting to burn things such as old photos, yearbooks, and rhyme books. i don't ever want to look at them again, because too many memories come back to haunt me. even thinking about what happened yesterday puts me in a trance that might cause me to overthink things past the point of how they should be thought. throughout most of my life...i was a present sort of guy. i still am. this is living in the now...making decisions based on impulse. i lived pretty fast. there was no such thing as tomorrow. i was always kinda annoyed how people lived their lives so scheduled. i wanted to do things at that moment in time. no waiting. i kept doing this and moving faster than my friends on a relative scale... the speed accelerated to the now, which is the going to be. i have become a future thinker. my mind is not present, because it's stuck in the future. i dream up big schemes and goals and ideas i'd like to accomplish. i still sometimes slow down to live in the now...but i've been very excited by whats going to be. because whats going to be, is going to be something great. trust me on this. i still enjoy seeing the surprised look on people's faces...this is why i don't reveal the secrets about my future. but lets backtrack to the past, it seems that having erased my past from my mind...i might actually be making mistakes that i've already made without realizing it until that future becomes present, and present becomes past...and i forget that the past has already happened. confusing i know. i'll just say this....it seems like history is repeating. |
| ||
|
yes, i realize that the entry on reputations was egotistical...it's MY REPUTATION...THATS NOT WHO I AM. theres a difference between reputation, and identity. throughout my later years, i always had a reputation of being the silly fun guy that everybody loved to be around because you didn't know what to expect...but then the reputation started representing who i was. i often got comments such as "PJ CAN BE SERIOUS?", and that stabbed like a knife. and even now...people are assuming that what i am known for...is who i am. creating and defining my own reputation seemed like a good idea at the time...but now, there's so many assumptions and expectations. the high expectations are nice, because it motivates me to deliver something of quality...but the assumptions...not so nice. i'm sure some of you can relate. |
| ||
|
i'll just be blunt about this. in 4 years...i'm going to be dead. seriously. i have friends that tell me to stop saying things like that, or that it's not true. the thing is...i don't expect to live a long life. i am perfectly healthy and have a very low chance of contracting any sort of deadly disease. theoretically, i should live til 110 given my level of regular physical activity and tendency to never get sick regardless of how stupidly i expose myself to the elements. but careful calculations don't always correctly predict outcomes because of the unknown variables that might occur on the way. realistically, it'll be four years or less. probably much less if i decide to move to australia. i won't be able to predict the exact time of death because of the natural chaos of life. my life is pretty chaotic anyway, but i've managed to learn how to flow with it while controlling the stream, if that makes any sort of sense. maybe i can prolong my life....but then in terms of spirituality...why would i want to? isn't the afterlife supposed to be so much better anyway? i don't see what is so scary about death. i kinda see why people say "i don't wanna die"...because they have more to live for...well stop waiting for a near death experience and start living that. regardless if my demise does occur in 4 years or not...the drive that my death is coming REALLY soon is my main motivation to why i want to do things so fast, and so big for the age i am at right now. fuck waiting. in Homer's "The Illiad"...achilles had two choices...stay home and live forever but die in anonymity. or go to war die quickly in the glory of battle and live forever. i've already chosen. |
| ||
|
imagine that you're trying to get with a girl you try to be a nice guy and that doesn't work. you become the bad boy. that doesn't work either. you become mr popular...same thing, until you finally break down and tell the girl "i've been nice, i've been bad, i've been charming, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?" ...and of course, she will answer, "i want you to be your SELF", as if there is a such thing as a "self". in reality...the nice guy, the bad boy, and prince charming are all the same person. sometimes i just want to dump my bag masks onto the table, and choose one to wear for the rest of my life. but each of these masks are a part of me. i'd want to wear them all at the same time...but i only have one face. i'm still the same person underneath. |
| ||
| after some thinking about how my self is presented to other people...i've come to ponder my reputation. sure, i often talk about my "bad boy rep" during flirtations...but apparently, i have a reputation. it has been molded by the passions i have chosen to pursue. many times, i find out that people meet my reputation before they meet me. so i constantly come across phrases like "this is the guy i told you about!" or "hey, you're PJ Ortiz Luis/pacificYO!". my all-time favorite is seeing 2 girls whispering to each other from across the room, pointing at me and giggling. i only assume they are talking positively about me...and it's confirmed when i walk over and start a conversation with them. now, i won't deny or confirm any aspect of my reputation. many things, i enjoy to leave up to the interpretation of the individual.[which sometimes i think is a bad decision] but most of the time, i'm seen in a very favorable light to those who assume things about me. i've actually had moments when people were intimidated by me because of the reputation. one girl, who i'd say is the prettiest girl i've ever met, gets nervous and flustered whenever she interacts with me. i think it's cute...but who woulda thought...a reputation can be so powerful? i'm actually proud of mine. when you hear my name, good things come up. i'm sure others who aren't proud of theirs can do things to manipulate them...generally, i would never care for such an intangible concept...but a reputation is something that lives on beyond your death...and i'd hope it'll still be around because i don't plan on having a gravestone to carve generic accomplishments into. |
| ||
|
I can recite the grass on the hill and memorize the moon
I know the cloudforms of love by heart and have brought tears to the eye of a storm and my memory banks vaults of forests and amazon river banks and i've screamed them into sunsets that echo in earthquakes shadows have been my spotlight as I monologue the night and dialogue with days soliloquies of wind and breeze applauded by sun rays we put language in zoos to observe caged thought and tossed peanuts and p-funk at intellect and motherfuckers think these are metaphors i speak what I see all words and worlds are metaphors of me |
| ||
|
theres an addiction i have. i can't say what it is. but basically, i keep having these urges for it. i want to quit, but i can't. i keep coming back to it. and i already know this is going nowhere because this substance is lacking of substance. its hard to define what it is, because it doesn't know what it is. it's one thing, then it's another...in an endless loop that has me running in circles just to get a quick fix. trust me, i'm trying to quit this. i want to say that'll be my resolution....but once written down, then it'll start manifesting into reality, and i'm not quite sure i want to give this up yet. but i must...this addiction is hazardous to my health. i need to start doing something healthier...like smoking. so here it goes...one of my official resolutions is now TO PUT AN END TO THIS ADDICTION. I MUST GO COLD TURKEY. I MUST STOP HAVING CRAVINGS. i can't back out of it now. sorry in advance to my addiction. chances were, i was gonna move on anyway. don't wait for life to pass you by. |
| ||
 |
| ||
| i realized i broke a law when i made this blog public. now that leaves me with an ultimatum: making entries even more cryptic and drawn out so nobody wants to read them...or just stop blogging altogether? either way, i'll be able to drive my newfound fan-base away from my inner thoughts. this intrusion is like rape. get out of my head. i used to want people to know what i was thinking...but then i realized...i'd be better off leaving them wondering...even if it does come at the expense of my patience. but i guess my patients can wait if it is desired. the universe isn't going anywhere anytime soon...but i guess i will. goodbye. |
| ||
|
for those who do not know the meaning of the cypher: it is a circle formed in a hip hop context usually consisting of rappers or bboys in which they just jam out and show off their respective talents. this is creation. i will talk about it as a bboy since it has been a while since i've been in a real rap cypher. to me...the cypher represents life. i don't mean child birth...but the life cycle. the circle of life...but in a backwards sort of way. the dancer walks in upright...then starts grooving to the controlled chaos of the break beat then eventually devolves onto all fours and creates works of art as a fetus. sometimes the devolution and regression of time would go so far that the dancer would reach the original big bang, and mimics that explosion with an eruption of power. the spinning, the momentum, the energy, and the force causes the outer circle to step back...to expand. the outer membrane of the cypher consists of bboys, all of varying ability. some are focused on the fundamentals, some are focused on the power, some are focused on just dancing. for a newborn bboy, the cypher is intimidating. it's like they are sharing a circle with a deity. so much anxiety builds up in the bboy about stepping into the cypher. overthinking happens...what if i mess up? i'm not as good as them. what if i get called out for a battle? i don't want to mess up my non-existent reputation. the thoughts continue to circle around his mind moving the cypher directly to his head...because that's where it is anyway. it's all in his head. the bboy must just jump in there and dance if he truly wants to seize life/the cypher. don't worry about what anybody thinks. it's just him...and the music. come to a battle with me...and i'll show you. battles never happen between two bboys. it's always between a bboy...and himself. and i'm sorry for the very cryptic entries. this is just my writing style at the moment. it changes from time to time. but i guess for now, you'll have to de-cypher some of my thoughts. |
| ||
|
0... all this pre-new years excitement must've have gotten to my tire because it literally exploded upon my arrival. i guess it just couldn't wait to count backwards and down a small plastic glass of champagne with strangers wearing really nice shoes on a rooftop that overlooks a wyland grey whale migration mural illuminated by the city lights. my tire was in no condition to party that night, so i had to leave it there while i was out celebrating...but i'm not totally cold-hearted...i thought about it while i was with my friends. damn you tire...next time, try to contain yourself and we can celebrate the next year...maybe this time without the bang... a little before the new year...i had a desperate case of writer's block. for some people, it might not be as fatal...but for me, it's crippling. all creation in my mind ceases its' operations. i can't think straight. i am less interesting. i start descending into "reality". ...all because i can't write a simple poem. so i spent quite a bit of time trying to search for a cure to this disease. i read books, articles, attended events, talked to myself between swim strokes, etc...then all of a sudden...bang. ...a big...bang. my head explodes in thought...and the thoughts keep expanding and expanding. things are created out of midair. ideas start manifesting themselves into the physical realm. paths for the future start clearing themselves out. and it gets somewhat overwhelming. i can't concentrate on just one thing...because there are so many other things that are in need of attention. so now i have to reprioritize this universe that i just created. some things have to go...time should be one of them. but i can't stop time. hopefully as time and space expand, there'll be much more room for me to space out my creations, or just space out in general. |
| ||
|
a common tradition when it comes to new years is to count down from ten until you reach zero. but sometimes i ponder about this tradition...after zero hits, what then? do we continue into the negatives then continue counting down to negative infinity? or are we counting backwards start a new year by counting forwards...if so, then why do we start at 10? wouldn't that momentum fade away quickly with such a low number...but then again, i don't know what number comes before infinity. resolutions are made around this time that will probably be forgotten by the end of the month. ...for this reason, i don't particularly believe in "new years resolutions"...because it's useless to wait til the sun makes a full rotation around the earth to start improving one's self. it'd be hypocritical to say i don't have resolutions/goals myself...but i've been working on these since the end of winter semester.
one of my resolutions is to help others achieve their resolutions. helping another improve also improves myself and collectively, this can change the world...if i can help continue this chain of events...we can very well redefine the universe. however, many of my friends enjoy the feeling of remaining within their comfort zones. they even go so far to avoid some of the little things in life. i've seen that it signifies their ignorance of some of the bigger things. i have a comfort zone too, albeit it's radius is much larger than most...but it's there. i've been trying to push my limits and DO [not try] things i haven't done before. i'm trying to seize the day. it's just...that it would be alot nicer to have a companion to do this with. [and i don't necessarily mean romance or even a member of the opposite sex] i noticed late last year that i seem to unconsciously influence alot of people. leaderships thrust upon me, memberships extended, people thanking me for giving them career guidance based off one little phrase i said that i don't even remember saying, strangers saying wish they could do what i could. maybe this motivation has been so internalized that i can easily say "it's not that hard"...when for others it may be different. it really isn't that hard though...it's that comfort zone that is holding them back. convenience is much easier than working for things right? there i go rambling again. i'm still trying to break out of my comfort zone though. believe it or not, there ARE moments when i get shy. some of you might've seen it...some of you've might've not. but they exist. i want to bring back the day in eighth grade when i told myself i don't care what anybody thinks about, leaving my exhibitionist attitude to run rampant and do things "normal" people would never do...but self-consciousness has been slowly creeping up on me trying to steal my feet while i am sleeping. i can't let that happen. i only have 4 more years to live starting at that moment the clock hits zero. i must truly "seize the day", because i don't have a huge quantity of daylight left. and i don't want to spend it living in the darkness. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...... |
| ||
|
ever since daylight savings when i decided not to turn my clock an hour back...i've been living in this weird paradigm of a universe where time itself does not exist...or at least my internal clock has been skewed to the point that i cannot live according to numerical measurements of time relative to the rotation of the earth, but rather time according to the position of the sun.[yes, i realize it's technically the same thing...but really, it's not] even beforehand, i was thinking about the universe and the concept of time. ie if the universe is constantly expanding, then does infinity really exist? and if infinity doesn't exist because the universe is finite, does that mean time is finite too? does the finity of time mean that time should be measured in a linear scale? or is time constantly expanding as the universe expands? this was followed by assumptions that there is no such thing as fate because time and space has yet to reach that destination.
and unrelated to those questions was the revelation that my pen stroke had the ability to manipulate events. and coincidentally, the things i wrote started coming to life. i am unsure if the correlation of my secret scribbles and life events are in any way connected...but it truly is eerie that i am writing my own future. this lead to the assumption that i can travel through time ala the butterfly effect by reading and writing entries in my rhyme book. "i can reminisce on things i've did, chicks that i met, future past present tense". and this whole daylight savings time thing makes me feel like i am living in the future while others are living in the past. then i stumbled across einstein's theory of relativity, which i am still trying to fully comprehend. i only paid attention to what he says about time relativity. this is that time is not constant. time is relative. in the twin paradox...if one twin were to live on earth, and the other were to travel out in space at the speed of light...upon returning the twin on earth would've aged noticably more than the twin in space. they also did an experiment where they flew two clocks set at the same exact time around the world in opposite direction. the clocks returned at slightly different times. thus if you want to remain young, you must travel east. this i find amusing because i've always joked that the reason the japanese were ahead in technology is because they are a day ahead of us...meaning they are living in the future. who would've thought i was on to something? so maybe i'm not crazy after all...but then again, when looking at the relativity of things. i don't perceive myself as insane...but others out there would. so maybe i AM crazy? just as crazy as the recent boy from russia who was "rescued" from the wild after found ravaging for food with wolves...he did not learn human language and "probably" had some sort of mental disorder. the mental disorder he has, i believe, is contextual in the sense he is deranged when compared to the rest of society. however, if you compare it to the life he was raised with in which he lived like a wolf...he is perfectly normal. what am i getting at exactly? i don't know exactly. i'm still in the process of reading these things to become a more learned individual...so the conclusions will appear as time expands. or maybe they won't and this was just an essay of crazy talk. or maybe this essay is one of my many metaphors meant to confuse people trying to decipher my methods of thinking. or maybe people won't actually read this because the length scares them and there are no pictures. i guess it depends on how it's interpreted. it's all relative. |