archives | | onethirteen04 | `love the kindness campaign 2004 | rabiddoggies | pitas
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
Tell me I told you so
I thought you'd understand, but sadly I was wrong. and you have no idea how disappointed I am with you and with myself. so you might think that I'm some kind of biased arsehole who warps the rules and changes them to favour myself. Honestly I don't think I can do anything about it if you think of me that way. but it does hurt, if you ever are reading this. It hurts me terribly to see you hate me like this just because of one incident. To see people posting these things on their blogs about me and removing my name from their links. It's something as small as that, but it hurts. It hurts too much. yingsze was right to question me about my greatest weakness. I get too attached and that's why everything's become like this.
I don't know you anymore, it seems. or maybe I never knew you. but I'm sure of one thing- you never knew me. the real me. as grace zhang said, if they really are friends with you because they know who you really are, they'd understand. I think from this whole experience I realised that the new "friends" I've had from the beginning of the year might not have been friends at all. I've realised that the people who really care and stick with me in the end are a completely different set of people. and that scares me. because it shows how incompetent and how deluded I am. I was stupid enough to think that my "friends" would be able to help me pull through and support me throughout this term- seeing that they had a hand in nominating me- but in the end it isn't that set of people who have been supporting and encouraging me all this time. my true friends- and the people who I'd love to have as good friends- have turned out to be a completely different set of people.
I suppose you'd be glad to know that I cried because of you. because of how you've been behaving towards me and because of what you wrote about me. because I thought you were my friend. I thought you'd be able to understand my rationale, understand that it was my duty to do what I did. to understand that you were in the wrong. but no, in the end, you've made me your enemy. it hurts. it hurts so much inside. this large raw gaping aching shredded hole inside of me that flinches at the possibility that there might be more people who will hate me like you do. I'm sorry, but I still stand by my principles. live with that. because if you can't understand my position or at least try to- I don't think you really know me.
mom was right. I should learn to let go. let go of the people who turn away from me once the first signs of rain appear. I should treasure the real friends that I have today. I love you people and I need you to know that. last night when I was crying I thought about you guys and stopped. (: thanks for everything you've done for me.
out
sine
spewed crap Saturday, May 1, 2004 08:22 a.m.
spewed crap Thursday, April 29, 2004 10:37 p.m.
I'm suffering from overactive mind and fingers it seems. everytime I go online it's STRAIGHT TO PITAS TO BLOG. wow. whatever. I'm as shit tired as last night and I NEED TO BRUSH MY TEETH NOW or I WON'T BE ABLE TO STUDY.
freaky ailment. unbrushed teeth=horribility.
I seem to be adding new unheard-of words into my vocab.
spewed crap Thursday, April 29, 2004 09:59 p.m.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
sometimes I just love my sister so much. (: in her better moods she can be so sweet and she can listen and she can give all this advice, but on her down days she's either grouchy or completely bonkers. yups that's why I love her so much. Today was one of her good days I think. told her (almost) everything that happened in school. She didn't say much- only that "their time will come". cryptic. but that's the way I like it. I guess it's not all my fault. I landed myself into my current situation, and I trust that God will give me the strength to haul myself out of it.
one minute moreeee! ahahahas.
every morning I wake up at 0630hrs and firmly decide that I'm sick. In the end, I'm sitting in the car on my way to school.
I think I'm suffering from some kind of eighth-life crisis- what with the misguided colour tastes and all.
spewed crap Thursday, April 29, 2004 07:48 p.m.
maybe it wasn't just the disappointment that I felt today that caused me to start crying in the toilet. how cliched is that? I thought they only did that in sappy hk drama serials, but it seems... maybe not.
I think the most important thing for me now is to make do with whatever situation I get. make the most of it. and then move on. that's a really silly phrase. move on. it sounds so horribly contrived and constipated. ahahas. bleh.
kangya: just want to thank you so much for taking out the time to come and talk to me and cheer me up this morning. it really meant a lot to me dear. (: I love you and you cheer up too. ^^
damien and evenstar and alyssa: thanks so much the three of you. I really love you guys. (: and damien who sat through jap class with me.
claire g: I love you dear. hope you got better
natty tai: I love you so much dear. (: cheer up!
barbara: ahhh! my crazy neighbour. hahas you have no idea how cute you are and what a great whining partner you are to me. with you it's blissfully fun to whine about anything from how cold it is to how horrible math is to how tired we are. love you dear.
muthu: Thanks for being there for me, and for being the only person on task when we're doing group work because everyone is really stone and putting up with my crap lame suggestions. I read your blog and I'm really touched. just don't let all that get to you kay. I love you.
angeline: I thought about it and maybe I shouldn't have disowned you. (: you're so sweet! ahaha. thanks for being there dear. *hugs
olivia: you can be so adorable, so cute, so sweet and so intellectual at the same time. sometimes I feel I'm out of your league. ahahas my rose in titanic. ^^ thanks for being so sweet dear.
joanna: thanks for all the hugs and the smiles and the hugs. the hugs. and more hugs. (: I love you so much and thanks for all the support.
ge jie: I'm not sure whether you dao-ed me first or I dao-ed you first but I just know that I felt really horrid when we were dao-ing each other- hahas. really. well thanks for everything and rmb that your mei loves you too.
laogong: hahas haven't been talking to you in a long time. just all the best with everything you do kay.
yingxi: ^^
okay okay. that was just so long. bleargh.
the jb toilets stink! seriously. they stink round the clock. 24/7. come on, it's used by THIRTEEN sec one classes with very active bowels six days a week. and I think 90% of us don't know how to flush the toilets. in the morning, the whole place just REEKS of some people's early morning shit, during recess it's crowded and the floors are splattered with water that's been stepped on and everywhere is horrible and black and eurgh. then after school the entire place smells even worse because everyone's been shitting and pissing and doing goodness-knows-what in that little room with sinks and a row of cubicles. on bad days the place has a smell that makes you want to keel over unconscious right away, or use your shirt as a gas mask. I went in there before PE and I was holding my breath while peeing. eurgh. I felt like throwing everytime I breathed in. I bet the cactuses on the sinks will die in a month because of methane poisoning. bleh.
one day we should bring it up to the school authorities that it is a potential health hazard.
out
sine
spewed crap Thursday, April 29, 2004 04:59 p.m.
now I finally understand why I never linked anyone else on my blog. liability vulnarability dispensability. then you'll know what's going on in my head. who's in and who's been taken out. the cruelty of the internet. whatever.
I'm so tired. really. I don't understand myself any more- heck I don't understand anything anymore. I don't know why or how someone revved up the speed of the assembly-line conveyor belt, but suddenly the blue-shirted factory workers are whizzing straight past me. I don't understand my behaviour; I just know I'm not as conscious of myself as I was before, and if I carry on this way the repercussions will come bouncing gleefully back the way squash balls fling themselves off the surfaces of walls and come whizzing back at you to whack you right between the eyes.
I don't think I'd care to be so audacious as to shrug it all off with a "I couldn't control myself". I know what I was thinking then, and I know my actions weren't exactly favourable. "lousy hypocrite" would be a wonderful label to slap on me at this point in time.
I just don't know what to think. It's not the same any more. Nothing is. It's not supposed to be. Maybe I am worthless.
normally I'd just try to forget the matter, but this time I know it was my fault. even though there were lots of reasonsexcuses I could make- or that I still can make, in the end it all boils down to how childish I am inside.
wow. this is like what? confession hour or something? oh well.
school today was... tiring? I don't know any more. sometimes I just need to cry. either that or I need a hug. seems to me that I can't cry when I need to anymore.
never played chess in years and suddenly I find myself hauled into a full-intensity chess game. and the most disturbing thing about it is that I got myself into this.
maybe I should write a letter.
out
sine
spewed crap Wednesday, April 28, 2004 06:24 p.m.
I am currently pitifully inarticulate. my flu has come back. I fell asleep just now and woke up again. I have only done the homework due tomorrow. I am reactive, not proactive. I am bloodayshite tired and I don't give a shit about what the heck etc etc.
I'm probably not going to have any cca points this year no matter what. oh no oh no. I signed up for interhouse games but I didn't get in. stupid unatheletic me who can't just go play something anyhow and win. I'd probably pull the team down. I signed UP! *waves hand energetically* but I don't think I got selected. bleargh. so am I dead or am I dead? why don't they have a "most anal retentive" competition/test/tournament? I'd bag gold all four years. or "most retarded". I'd get full marks. or "cannot sit still and shut up and pay attention".
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to stay at HOME and rest and catch up on my homework, not flounder helplessly in a neverending bottomless cesspool of utter and complete despair, knowing in my impending doom that they'll kick me out of RP very soon and I'll have to go to some kachang puteh school for the rest of my four years and die and die and die and die and die.
I don't want to think about it.
go away.
out
sine
spewed crap Tuesday, April 27, 2004 10:35 p.m.
I'm really scaring myself these days with all the imbalanced mood swings and freaky pseudo-narcoleptic fits. I turned up at school today feeling like shit with a runny nose, sore throat and feverish lethargy, with my ears kind of clogged up because of my runny nose. and my class was making a hell lot of noise. again. and poor mishy was trying to make them shut up while I was making a futile attempt to sleep before school started, so in my utmost irrtation I yelled at them. (ahaha). and they shut up. really seriously. either they were being unusually cooperative this morning, or my voice projection skills have improved since minamata.
science lab was living hell. chinese was living hell as well. history was living hell. math was living hell. geog was living hell. recess and lunch was spent eating, talking to nice people, and wondering why some people were dao-ing me.
suffered from a super sore throat throughout the day but drank lots and lots of water so I regularly went for pee breaks while curing my throat.
why am I telling you all this? because.
LD rocked today. (:
I'm flunking I'm flunking I'm flunking. oh no. oh no. you really don't want to know how horribly I'm doing at school. I just shit want to sleep. and don't even try talking to me about third language. that's a high-stress level topic for me. blooday focus point. epicentre. watashiwa baka desu. jesWEE dezolay bokuu? jhenesayPA? mearh. zweet. achtung. schwizer. oon does tres. ahahaha.
maybe I should fall sick tomorrow. or maybe I shouldn't.
blooday monkeys.
spewed crap Tuesday, April 27, 2004 09:19 p.m.
just realised today how much of a scatterbrained toot I am. seriously. considering how much stuff I forgot to bring/forgot about/forgot the date for, I think I've really earned myself the title. ahahaha. I'm flopping around. flopflopflop.
for once my jelly arms didn't fail me. three inclined pullups. am so proud of myself. but my stomach didn't do me proud. 29 situps. whatever. but I PASSED and it's all that matters. I mean I'm not in some uniform group cca that counts the NAPFA golds, and it's a personal challenge so as long as I tried my best I'm proud of myself. like for my 2.4. if I fail but ran all the way on that day, I wouldn't feel bad about myself at all. In fact I'd probably be proud. yups. because my aim for this year is not to stop running. not just for whatever silly PFT but for everything I do. yups. all that to glorify God.
bleargh later I'm going out again. so my homework will remain untouched. ahahaha. am going to watch rjc chamber ensemble and band in their coperformance!! yay. can't wait can't wait. zai poks.
spewed crap Monday, April 26, 2004 06:36 p.m.
oh CRAP. goodbye.
ran 2km just now.
no that's not the reason why I'm at a loss for words.
out
sine
spewed crap Sunday, April 25, 2004 07:16 p.m.
I. am. so. horribly. dead.
am writing a script for my group's project on the TRACTOR right now, and it's supposed to be a 10-15 min sketch. okay, so far so good. except that I'm on my THIRD PAGE right now (times new roman size 10) and when I read it out to myself it takes up about FOUR MINUTES only. and vionna said to overshoot so we could cut out some stuff. but HOW THE HECK do you write a sketch that's TEN BLOODAY MINUTES LONG? oh shite. I am going to be so dead.
worse thing about it is that I'm now writing crappy soppy pseudo-cheem lines like
ANN : "You’ve changed."
KEN : "Maybe I have. Or maybe it’s just you."
how shitty can I get? I've gotten past the "awkward nothing-much-to-say", the "self denial" phase, the "accusation" phase, the "interruption" phase, and now I'm on "awkward nothing-much-to-say" again. whatever man.
But I'd love to play Ken. all angsty shite and all. hahas.
out
sine
spewed crap Saturday, April 24, 2004 09:54 p.m.
the absolute wahPIAKkk-ness of my situation is preventing me from blogging extensively about minamata. POST PRODUCTION BLUES have set in and now i'm SHIT tired and BLOODAY fatigued. I NEED TO SLEEP. AGAIN. so what if I went to bed at nine thirty last night and woke up at nine thirty this morning? so what if that was TWELVE WHOLE HOURS? I'm in a whiny, piss-awful mood right now after spending the whole of japanese yesterday moping around in class, stoning during cello, and falling asleep everywhere. Yes, it's the return of the pseudo-narcoleptic fits. whatever man.
actually I'm just blogging like this because I'm tired. I have a shitload of things I want to say but I'm just too blooday tired. so I'm using expletives. wh00ps not good not good.
I don't want to reflect on minamata because a) it'll bore everyone who didn't experience it, b) I won't be able to capture everything, and c) it's just too damn private for anything else. everyone shared a bits of my experience with me- I shared bits of their experiences with them, but in the end all those fragments as a collective belong to me. like my favourite phrase of the day, "I'm sad and nobody can take that away from me." nobody can take minamata away from me. ahahaha on you then. it seems that after I left the rgp drama club I forgot the euphoria of a real performance- and no, orientation's Titanic didn't count even though I did get all mopey and sad after that. you can say that YOUniverse reminded me of the sense of absolute accomplishment that it was possible to feel after a production. and minamata made me fall in love with it all over again. seems to me that we didn't have a particularly brilliant astounding performance out of the five of them. the first one wasn't exactly a disaster- a good job since it was our first time- the second one was an improvement, and the third one was a "performance", as mr connolly put it. the fourth one was fine, but not fine enough- the uppersec laughing because they thought I was laughing when I was actually crying and making me cry even more wasn't a plus point- obviously it did nothing to boost my morale. but kangya giving me that hug after the performance made me slightly happier. sometimes I just forget how sweet she is. and how freaky our uppersec seniors are. primary school kids laugh at the slapstick bits. lowersec people laugh at all the funny parts. uppersec seniors laugh at everything- including the parts meant to be emotional. maybe they expected better acting. maybe I overestimated myself. that's why I was so distraught when they started laughing. whatever man.
the last and our fifth performance had a realy sweet audience though. lowersec rocks. ahahaha. (: didn't want to get laughed at again so I decided to just pseudo-cry, but in the end I cried a bit. I seriously love my class. (: and everyone in that audience. they were so so so so so so sweet.
on tuesday we'll probably be doing some sort of a "studio version" for ISS sponsors. that'll probably be our real "last performance". then after that we sit back and wait for STTD to come. and once that is done we'll get all our seniors back.
all that shitty finality makes me want to cry. but if I had a choice I'd want YOUniverse to go on forever. and minamata. but that's how it is. everyone has to move on. but I'll really miss all those rehearsals and those lines and all that. really truly absolutely. everyone was so hyped up about STTD- everyone is still so hyped up about STTD. minamata was like... what? the poor cousin or something. like canada is to america. oh whatever. bad analogy. ge jie thought it was a cooler name for STTD. like whatever. ^^ I just sometimes get this feeling that minamata was just one big excuse for rgs to sleep during assembly. we say "performance" and everyone automatically asks "STTD?" but we'll get bigger ones in time. while minamata might just fade away into a dark forgotten corner I don't think any one of us- my batchmates and myself- will ever forget our first performance. bleargh. and possibly our sec fours' last one. we'll miss you. really.
argh whatever it's over I should move on. goodbye.
out
sine
spewed crap Saturday, April 24, 2004 03:41 p.m.
our performance is in LESS THAN 24 HOURS. What happened to ALL THAT TIME?! how did all that time just pass us by. oh man. we were like SHIT on saturday, and the "drastic improvement" we made yesterday and today IS NOT ENOUGH. okay so we just go there and do our best and leave it to God. yups. that's it.
I really really hope natty will be able to come with us. I really REALLY REALLY cannot do it without you, dear. seriously. it just isn't the same.
I'm going to sleep early tonight. as in EARLIER THAN LAST NIGHT. last night I slept at 1030. quite an achievement. earliest this week. the latest was around twelve plus or something. blooday school.
oh today I had a great lunch with everyone. yups. I love all my ld batchmates and seniors. and our beloved sec fours. I don't think any of us can imagine ld life without you. augh we LOVE YOU people so much! and everyone, BREAK A LEG tomorrow kay. Let's rock the blooday primary-school-kiddy-filled multi-purpose HUUUGE hall tomorrow. both of them. I'm so ABSOLUTELY SURE WE WILL. we will we will we will. we have to do ourselves proud. we will do ourselves proud. I'm so darn sure.
okay maybe I'm not. but let's not think about that. let's just do our best. tomorrow's performances and friday's double assembly ones.
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore... I love that song. hahas. (:
oh well.
out
sine
spewed crap Wednesday, April 21, 2004 06:57 p.m.
and so I present to you my new green layout.
ohkay so this is a cheater green layout. whatever man. who cares? arh I still think tokitoh is hot. fell in love with the picture last year and I'm still in love with it.
do you know how HORRIBLE it was for me to do this layout with a JAMMED MOUSE? you'd better appreciate it dears.
oh and there are obviously some posts you've missed out on. visit my archives.
am too horribly tired to blog any more. tmr is our second full-dress with makeup this time. please please PLEASE let everything be okay/getting better. please enable me to project my voice well enough. please please PLEASE.
*pukes all over the floor* I need coffee. really.
the phrase "mindless pseudo-literary gobbledegook" is in itself mindless pseudo-literary gobbledegook for absolute crap.
aaaand I rest my case.
spewed crap Monday, April 19, 2004 09:37 p.m.