sine ranted on Sunday, December 14, 2003 05:52 p.m.

shallowshallowshallow

if not for the fact that the entries of both claires, hhr and a bunch of my best friends in my autograph books, I would have burnt them into ashes already. just reading some of those entries makes me want to cringe with all the fakeness in it. Does anyone even realize what a horrible thing autograph books are? they're shallow, horrible excuses for the real people who wrote them. or maybe, they're overrated, blown-up, too-good-to-be-true crap thingies that make their lousy authors look sooo good. I'm glad nat took so long with my book. or else i'd have wasted everyone else's time. a big sorry to anyone who wrote in my book already.

And to some other people who won't ever know who they are, I'm glad you didn't write in my autograph book. Then you'd have gotten my acridity and anger full blast everytime I got into a bitter mood.

TBC...

sine ranted on Monday, December 8, 2003 06:45 p.m.

WOOHOO! ONE DAY TO DOM'S BIRTHDAY! YAY!

In other things, am feeling quite pleased with myself. And nostalgic. And what-the-crappy. :)

Well... thing one: yesterday I had lots of fun. yeah. lots of it. haven't watched tv like that in a loong time.

But before that...
Morning:
Woke up. Surfed net. Played cello (have to practise every day from now on). Surfed net. Watched One Piece episode 72 (downloaded).
Afternoon:
Lazed around in bedroom (air con; comfy!!) reading Children of the Mind (Ender Saga by Orson scott card). YAY! I finished it, and realized how much I missed reading english. :) Don't worry, I'll get back to my Rurouni Kenshin soon enough... And my dad wants to get a Louis Cha series for me. Fantasy-like, which he thinks will suit me better than Condor Heroes. I don't know... when it comes I'll probably try to read it... Then after finishing Children of the Mind, had a sudden surge of short-term inspiration and wrote seven paragraphs of Orion. Okay... shall post it up here (appears in the where are your brains akira? bit where affinity is screaming at him.)

“Akira!” Affinity said sharply as she opened the door of the conference room to let Inohara in, blood still trickling from his throat. Quickly, she grabbed some bandages and antiseptic, proceeding to dress the younger assassin’s wound.

“I’m fine, Affinity.”

“What were your orders, Akira? What did Kitano say? He said to stay here until Ottorino returned. But no, you had to disobey them and go off by yourself to assassinate Xu Narae. Where are your brains and how do you obey orders?”

Inohara fingered the bandage for a bit before turning on her. “What Ottorino? That bastard knows what our orders are- to return back to the headquarters as soon as possible, but there’s no sign of him and the police database does not have him in there. I went out to look for him and then went to try my luck on Xu. Too bad Orion was one step ahead.”

Affinity could not help but admit that there was some truth in Inohara’s accusations of Ottorino, but she couldn’t help but feel a nagging worry tugging at her as she turned the news of Ottorino not being caught by the police over and over again in her head. Ottorino was a very resourceful as well as streetwise assassin, but his rationality sometimes would get lost and instead that determined glint in his eyes would bring flame to those captivating orbs. That was when Ottorino would lose all trains of thought, and like an animal with only one instinct, he would do anything to get what he needed.

“He will do anything to get what he needs if he loses control of himself. Do you know what that means?” Affinity said slowly to no one in particular.

Inohara smiled a smile that he obviously considered ‘demure’, but by Affinity’s classification it brinked on evil. “I have no comment on that, Affinity; I’m like that all the time.”

“Of course you are,” Affinity retorted, before realising how rude it had sounded. But Inohara did not bristle indignantly- he instead laughed. He laughed like he always did- coldly, cruelly, and bitterly. He didn’t say another word; he just stood there, but Affinity suddenly noticed a characteristic of Inohara that she had never really paid any attention to.

Is laughter during times like this an admission of your mistakes?

Of course, she didn’t dare to ask him such a question to his face, but inwardly she wondered. It was always that same laugh that would fall from his lips; that same poisonous laugh that seemed to be for his own benefit no matter what the circumstance.

It was as if every sound emitted was a stab of self-accusation. Affinity might have been reading too deep into it, as she told herself sharply, but it was in his eyes- there was no doubt about it. She herself was never very good with being human and having many feelings other than hatred, determination and grief, but she was human enough to realise that there was something rather unusual when one who laughed so much had such a sad, pained kind of laughter.

Do you know how to cry?

Maybe he would have cried instead of laughed, she thought to herself, if he actually knew how to cry. He didn’t look like a person who would let to many complex emotions show, or even be able to contemplate those emotions. Maybe they were foreign to this strange, brutal epitome of vampirism. Maybe Inohara didn’t know those emotions. Maybe he didn’t know grief. Coming to think about it, Affinity realised- with some amount of regret- that not many of her colleagues were like that either. Everyone she knew had been trained never to let their emotions surface on his or her faces, Affinity herself included. Even Ottorino, who came across as rather... nonconformist, was like that to a certain degree.

There was a sort of enigmatic quality to every calculated phrase that fell from his lips. Like he was hiding something, a fragment of his bitter past, or maybe an enraged inner monster that even he was fearful of. Like he was tired but masked his fatigue with a façade of vigour.

“I’ve cried before, you know. When I was a boy. When I was weaker,” he muttered, mostly to himself. “I know how to cry.”

Affinity was jerked from her reverie at the sound of Inohara’s voice, startled by the fact that he either had been thinking about the same thing as she was, or had read her mind. And then she suddenly found herself looking at someone a tad bit different from the Inohara Akira she had known before. Older, more tired-looking, and the cruelty of his grey eyes replaced by grief that filled piercing emerald green eyes.

But it disappeared almost immediately, and Inohara’s cold laugh dissipated whatever pensive thoughts filling the air earlier.

Affinity opened her mouth to say something to Inohara, but found no words capable of expressing her emotion. Instead, she stalked out of the room and out of the headquarters to look for Ottorino, forgetting that she herself was disobeying orders.

Orion and all its characters are copyright 2003 Sine.

How was that? OK? XD

out

sine

sine ranted on Sunday, December 7, 2003 12:30 p.m.

never mind about both things, damien.

I kind of got pretty mad with those people on athena's tagboard too, because for the past year I've worked so hard to try to get people to be nice and friendly to each other, but it seems like just a few people ruined my happy memories. I actually was stupid enough to believe that everyone would be so nice. I guess I was wrong.

I'm really tired now. It's not so much anger anymore; it's dissappointment. I've been deluding myself. I been convincing myself that everyone at school was "nice" for the past three years; that this "rivalry" between the PQR classes and the normal classes was nonexistant. Seems to me that tempers have flared on athena's tagboard. I'm sorry athena, but I think you'll have to clean up the mess we've made. :(

My sister's always said that our school was especially like that. I've tried to push aside those nagging thoughts. Those little voices that keep telling me that there's never been a head prefect from the GEP since Rachel, and that was four years ago. That some teachers think that certain people are delinquents. That some of our peers criticize us and put us down behind our backs just because we are ourselves. It's a horrible social stigma that they've put on us.

Our dedication translates to an attempt to show them up.

Warnings translate to insults.

**to rapper**: how can you say that we're dumb if you people have been feeding off our ideas?

Who came up with the class t-shirts? us.

Which classes have class t-shirts? you people.

I give up. Hopefully, in secondary school, we won't be so prejudiced against. At least my sister says so.

Last spiteful words before I give up:

I don't hate you. I pity you.

out

sine

p/s to *them*: I have one last parting word before I wash my hands of you:

BAKAYAROU

sine ranted on Friday, December 5, 2003 06:02 p.m.

gah.

went skating today. gah. :) it was fun, if falling down and getting up and smiling cheesily at all those shell-shocked kiddies and making all those pro-pro people snigger inwardly around 10 times is fun.

Let me let you in on a secret.

it is.

damien and i did some weird swinging thing. and as usual, everything is to my disadvantage. when we were practising, i was the one who kept falling down (basically, he swings be around when we get the momentum and then we go round and round and round and round and I try not to fall over while looking like I've been doing this all my life and couldn't be bothered to do anything more *difficult*. am exaggerating. don't listen to me. go ask damien. most of the "difficult" stuff like maintaining your balance while swinging someone who's incidentally very heavy around was mastered by him. go figure.) because i was the one being swung around. Well, it's not my fault; I'm the one who hasn't skated in three years.

So I looked like I was a lousy skater.

ooh! I've just realized I've made a mistake.

I am a lousy skater. wowza. and we were even saying "lets show evenstar when she's back from the UK; she'll crack up with laughter and die."

wowza. I feel so great. So far, three people have already told me that my scottish accent sounds japanese. go figure. oh crap. :) I am not doing justice to billy boyd, who incidentally can sing very, very well. better than viggo. great voice. go figure.

Evenstar called me last night. wowza. I feel so important. wowza. ah crap. But I miss her even more now. :) I think I have thought of the title for the Untitled story.
withered petals

Wowza. unoriginal. but so is everything in the damn story, so I don't give a shit anymore. :)

mind my language for me, will you?

out

sine

sine ranted on Wednesday, December 3, 2003 09:14 p.m.

ah crap.

just overheard a conversation between this old lady and this other person about the lady's trip to Canada. I know it's not good for me to mope so much, but I couldn't help but feel sad. Again. I don't know, but sometimes I really feel so horrible that I want to cry. Like when I see the old christmas tree and those ornaments we bought back in ottawa, or glance at the whole row of shiny Redwall series spines that I purchased in chapters. And then there are some things that just strike me as so canadian (to me of course; I don't know about other people), like warm minestrone soup on a freezing winter's day, or moving my mattress from my bed to the floor and sleeping on it, smelling my quilt, sitting on the sofa in my family area, sleeping with those cusions on top of me, thick american coffee (which I hate because it is so bitter), burger king, a and w, my dell computer, the coffee table with paint scratches on the edges, my own study table, my post it board, that little notebook in my "box" that has my old address on it, and so many other little things lying harmlessly around the house... argh.

Don't get me wrong; I love singapore. But it's just that... someday I'd like to go back to canada for one last visit or something. Just to look around. see the really, really tall snowbanks. watch TV. drive along those HUUUGE highways in this rented malibu car. Go to the library. take a bus (and buy a buspass). Buy grapes. Buy oreos. Buy that weird kind of vegetable that mom can't find back here. Buy that kind of rice that comes in small, tiny packets (in comparison to the ones we normally get from the supermarkets) and complain that it tastes funny. Live on kikoman soy sauce because that's the only kind they sell in that shop we always went to in chinatown. Sing auld lang syne at the bus stop. eat an A & W christmas cookie and drink their root beer. Dress really warm and stand outside in the bitter cold. comment on how nice and warm it is on a 1 degrees celcius day. go to Loebs and shop. Visit parliament building. Watch people go by. Take the bus around the place. watch the weather channel. oh shit I can't carry on typing.

out

sine

sine ranted on Monday, December 1, 2003 12:59 p.m.

autodrain.

heh... I am currently freaking myself out with my multiple story ideas. I should have gone to canada with my mom and left my sister and dad behind. or the whole family except my sister could have gone. wow. :) shall stop moping.

My cello should be okay. should be. I will not mope about this one either.

am trying to train for a nice billy boyd scottish accent (sister put me up to it) and to perfect it by the end of the year but no luck so far. I just (according to my sister) end up sounding jap. yeah, jap. Must download more sound clips. or hire evenstar. Okay... take a deep breath.

YAY!!! I can say "maybe i should eat chocolate too" almost the same way as billy boyd. wowza. :) But I think if evenstar heard me she would crack up and die of laughter. :) Miss you a lot. I miss everyone, and yet I dread gatherings and stuff.

I'd rather stay in isolation than to have my jumbled thoughts of parting crystallize in my mind.

read evenstar's blog. Who's amy? I know quite a few, but which one?? Someone tell me. I'll personally hunt her down and congratulate her on being the most clear-minded person on earth. But she's wrong about one thing. Eternity is in no way stiff. She just can't see the lifelike nuances employed by our resident *fake* drag queen. :)

have this crazy story idea about some split personality thingy. wowza. (am starting to like that word, but it sounds stupid. ah crap.)

oh, and there are nine days to dom's birthday. anyone besides damien care to join me in the countdown? his birthday is on the 8th of December.

out

sine

sine ranted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 05:12 p.m.

wood has feelings. seriously.
oh dear... I have just officially hurt my cello's (cannot post his first name on the net; will just call him d) feelings. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I sat with him in the back of the car after my lesson and the aircon was too cold and so as usual his A string went out. Then today I wanted to practise so I asked my dad who was in a hurry to tune the A string for me (I don't have the strength to turn the pegs) and he was tuning it too fast and the A string snapped. I'm so so sorry. And Mrs I is overseas and we don't have ong bc's phone number. Mom is going to call ong w to ask about what to do. Why is d always so angry with me? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. And thanks damien, for being my friend. thanks so much. thanks for always being so supportive. I'm sorry sometimes I forget, but yeah, you're a great person. Sometimes I feel really bad because it's kind of because of me that you're not so "in" the clique anymore. Thanks for being there. Really. :) out sine p/s: damien, I'll always remember you as the only person who is actually counting down to dom's birthday with me. thanks for supporting my preference.

sine ranted on Saturday, November 29, 2003 02:14 p.m.

argh.

I don't seem to know why, but I seem to be missing canada a lot these few days... Maybe it's because we were planning to go there but couldn't go in the end, because of my sister's stupid attachment. ah crap. and she's been complaining about how lousy it was. hey, don't complain about it if the whole family sacrificed their holiday for you, okay? Gah. I asked mom if we were going back anytime else, but she said not in the near future. next year our destination is New Zealand, which costs half the price to go to when compared to canada.

whatever. :( Right now I'm praying fervently that my sister will get into an american or canadian university, because mom says that if she does, we'll make a trip there as well. if she gets into an european university, I think we'll be going to visit the snotty french in paris. whatever. I know I'm whining, but nanotechnology and my sister's aspirations to become some kind of doctor/scientists have dashed my dreams of setting foot on canada and breathing the fresh air one more time. GAH. You'd better become successful, sister, or I'll bury you alive in an alaskan snowbank. By the way, alaska is american, not canadian.

Aa. Have just checked my email. Lynette s is going to canada.

f---.

*launches into sarcastic mode*

oh, and I get to stay behind at home while everyone goes on holiday somewhere. no, my dear, not even bintan island with alyssa! you might get killed by mosquitoes! Or a deranged terrorist group will kidnap everyone at clubmed and you'll all die! We would be worried sick!

Have suddenly realized that the only two southeast asian countries I have been to are singapore and malaysia.

*sickly, sarcastic grin* how brilliant!

had better stop before you die of acid content.

out

sine

sine ranted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 10:25 a.m.

bakayarou.

oh well...

I have to take a break from Orion again (don't know how long) to let both myself and the characters breathe. I'm really sorry that this has to happen just when I'm finishing the short story, but there is no alternative. I'm not sure if it was all the impending pressure that I faced from my beta readers, family and myself to finish it before the deadline, or whether it was because I have a short attention span. I suspect it's both. Don't worry, I'll do my best to finish writing Orion, but be prepared to wait. I'm just so, so sorry. GOMEN NASAI!

As for the short film, I was thinking that Vanished as a title might suit the plot. But I might also take some time before I start work on it; there's too much on my mind for anything to crystallize.

During my hiatus for Orion, I'll probably not commence work on the spin-off for Ottorino and Affinity (haven't thought of title), Rain, and Flowing Water. It's going to be a REAL break, not some freelance thing. I'm just too tired to start another project. Heck, I'm too tired to finish Orion. I just want to have fun for the next period of time. I'm not saying that writing isn't fun, but it isn't a very good way to de-stress.

Ah. My source of de-stress-ment is my cello, except for the fact that it's out of tune and refuses to stay in tune when I tune it. I was originally thinking of tuning it at mrs I's place, but it seems to me that I'll have to wait another week. :(

I'm quite happy that margaret said that my lousy china violin had good sound although it was a cheap china violin. :) that cost 600 dollars, for your information. But she said an european violin was wayy better than any china one. I promptly reminded her that I was too lousy a violinist to even touch, not to say own an european violin. I am by far the lousiest violinist in the octet.

bleh. I'm sorry, but that's just me. And I actually managed to escape all killer statements on friday. without practising. I guess it's because I've already memorised half my score and am playing the entire second violin part by ear. :) Am happy. There is one week to our performance and I'm making good progress (I think).

Another thing I'm worrying about is my drama performance (which happens to be on the same day, at the same event and right after the violin item). Uji doesn't seem to be coming to me. I either get these laughing fits or just stand there like an idiot. Oh wait, Uji is an idiot. Whatever.

Today mom went on this freaky shopping spree for clothes for my sister and me. 431 dollars in total. And there was a sale in almost all of the shops she went to. I promise to wear all the clothes she bought me. That means from now on all the clothes I'm wearing are new. But I still think it wasn't such a good idea to go to all those branded places. I feel really, really bad.

argh. have to practise piano, violin and cello. I have one week to my dying day.

out

sine

sine ranted on Saturday, November 15, 2003 03:45 p.m.

heck

damien, the only reason why you think you're not in that certain "circle" right now and are hanging out with other people one person at a time is because of me. I'm not a hanging-out person. I have been isolating you from everyone else. I feel awkward and insecure when I hang out in a group, and that's why sometimes when we're all hanging out together I get really pissed/grumpy/abusive. Because I don't like a group. I'm sorry I have to make life difficult for you. I'm like some kind of pest, needing constant attention from people, and that doesn't often happen when one is in a group. oh crap. if only I could bring myself to enjoy those lull moments that I get when I'm sitting on a public bus by myself, or when I'm just alone. I'm really, really sorry damien.

aaand my deadline for Orion is TOMORROW! argh. didn't have cello lessons today because mrs i was too tired to teach. I suspect that it's because the yto concert is tomorrow and she was teaching classes. :( So much for wanting her to help me tune my cello. I tried to call her as she told my mom to tell me to, but she was busy. must remember to call her later.

I think there are so many things for me to do nowadays that I seem to be forgetting all the tiny, forgettable things that I normally wouldn't have forgotton. Like I forgot all about sending jac that picture of nataku and goku. and I *almost* forgot to do the mc script for the musical performance, but luckily that piece of paper on the floor reminded me.

Talking about the musical, we're going to really DIE when we go on stage. Nevermind! I will whisper directions from backstage. we are so going to embarrass ourselves in front of our juniors on monday. but it's not very fair, because we had so many other things to do (for me and the drama people at least), while our juniors had less. nevermind, as I said earlier.

called mrs i. am listening to jay chou, michelle branch, evanescence and radical dreamers from chrono cross. :) THEY ROCK!! and if you wanted to know, all of them are downloaded.

am co-writing a short film script with damien and eternity, but I won't really get down to it until I finish Orion. No, wait. I'll get down to it today. aa. I feel so happy after our hectic week. AN ENTIRE WEEKEND!! WOOHOO!

Went to s b today. great place- very natural, except for the fact that everyone was whining and damien stopped to see the scenery, thus causing me to be unable to see the guide or hear him. and, being evil me, I abandoned damien and squeezed all the way to the front.

Another thing I have gained from s b is blisters. I have them on my feet, and they hurt. like crazy.

didn't know that everyone was at chicken's place. humph. and I wasn't invited. wth. whatever.
you go your way, I go mine. if you want to leave, I'll show you the door. if you want to stay, there's always an empty seat. That's why I don't remember who I hate as much as other people. Because I don't care anymore. If you want to hurt me I'm the wrong person, because I've been hurt so many times that I just take it that someone is going to hurt me at least once. That's why all my friends come with inverted commas. I'm ready for the pain. I'll enjoy friendship with anyone while the going is good. after that, if you want to abandon me, do what you want.

out

sine

sine ranted on Friday, November 14, 2003 06:25 p.m.

tears are the blood of the soul

am feeling rather wonky right now. I think the lack of stress today has done something good for my body, because I'm feeling so much happier. But in actual fact, I think that for the past few days I've been by far the happiest person around. While everyone else is grousing and feeling sad an frustrated and angry, the bad ki is bouncing off me. :) I'm kind of detached nowadays. Thanks, everyone. I had GREAT training earlier this year.

I'm also really glad that damien is much, much happier today. carry on like that, okay? it's good for you. detach. that's the best way.

just finished mopping the floor upstairs for my mom. she says it's unusually clean! YAY! I'm GREAT!! Actually, thank stefanie sun, because I was blaring her music while I was working, and her songs always make me work harder.

Right now, though, I'm listening to Jay Chou's music. Ò¯Ò¯ÅݵIJè. it's brilliant! Must go get his album. any album will do. I. just. want. his. album.

Just glanced at my watch and realized that my deadline for Orion is in three days time. oh my... *swoons* nevermind. I will work harder. let's see... today I'm going to practise piano and cello (6.30-7.00 piano; 8.00-8.30 cello), then I'm going to finish the musical (8.30-9.30), then I'm going to write Orion up to 10.30. Okay. You people can call me anytime from 8.30 onwards. I welcome company.

tomorrow there's piano and I haven't practised! Oops, and I came home at four and right now I'm still in my grimy, glaze-covered uniform. shit. shit. shit.

cheer me on.

out

sine

sine ranted on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 06:07 p.m.

I'm tired.

asleep with my eyes wide open
smiling with tears running down my face
laughing when a scream tears through my heart
speaking when my throat has been ripped out

pick up the damn phone.

sine ranted on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 08:47 p.m.

new layout. black.

Is it just me, or is reRENDITION really depressing? Sorry. I figured that a close-up picture of the MATRIX cast would spoil my "surrealist" streak. Thus, the rows of computer screens. :)

It's creepy, really, that picture. I had the shudders when looking at it. and BRING ME TO LIFE is freaky too. EVANESCENCE is freaky.

Oh, as a side note, go to my archives to see the last two posts I made last night. sorry I archived the page before anyone had a chance to read my posts.

out

sine

sine ranted on Sunday, November 9, 2003 01:35 p.m.

argh.
argh. I can't seem to see the new layout. heck.

sine ranted on Sunday, November 9, 2003 01:28 p.m.