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For once I don't know what to blog about. this is so weird. (: for some odd reason I'm feeling this weird vacant feeling. Don't really know whether that's good or bad. but it's familiar. it's better than being half full. re-read all the sms-es stored on my handphone. deleted a few of them, and kept the nicest ones. sometimes when I'm really bored or down I just reread them and feel better. Or if I'm online I reread the stuff everyone posted in my comments box and I just feel so touched. And then you get this feeling that you don't have enough time to love everyone you want to love anymore.
you have to get used to the fact that I love you. don't know where that came from. But it's just so quaint. (: stuff that makes me smile.
my cello should be ready at three. mom is probably going to pick it up. they want me to stay home.
one of these days sounds so good. something about you sounds so good.
sine ranted on Sunday, March 7, 2004 01:09 p.m.
(:
I don't know, but I just feel like smiling.
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to
I’m going to hold on to that
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to
I’m going to hold on to that
Dedicated to you. Thanks for being there.
And so, everyone, BE HAPPY!
*whee. it's like, everyone takes turns to be sad. ^^ it's a good thing we don't all get sad at the same time. but just remember that if you're upset or if I'm upset I still love you.
that was for you. (: haven't been talking properly to you recently, or seeing you; sometimes even a "hello" is nonexistant. It does hurt for me, to be caught up in missing you. just remember the next time we meet that I owe you a hug. yup.
out
sine
sine ranted on Saturday, March 6, 2004 06:16 p.m.
I am -absolutely- starving. bleargh. and it doesn't help that my mom has this entire bowl of spaghetti cooking in the oven downstairs. noooo! I. am. so. absolutely. hungry.
don't think about it. don't think about it. don't think about it.
don't know if it worked. :( b.l.e.a.r.g.h.
ooh. it didn't. no, it did. no, it didn't. *growls*
I will NOT touch uji the zen mouse any more. in case he slips from my fingers and shatters into a million pieces on the polished parquet floor. have taking to picking him up and stroking him for ten to fifteen minutes every day. reminds me so much of everyone else. (: and speech day 03. bleargh. I'll be really sad to see you go, uji. ^^
whoops. just figured that checking my handphone makes me feel hungrier, especially when there is nothing to check about. I am NOT happy. n. o. t. h. a. p. p. y.
am probably going running again today.
ooh. hungry.
out
sine
sine ranted on Saturday, March 6, 2004 12:43 p.m.
toinktoink. toink.
ohayoo! watashi wa baka desu!
iie, anata wa baka demoarimasen!
ohayoo, baka-san!
ohayoo!
baka!
*ahahaha, this is a simple japanese conversation. hello my name is stupid. no, you are not stupid! hello stupid! hello! stupid!
I have serious mental problems.
sine ranted on Friday, March 5, 2004 09:57 p.m.
`wheeeeee
five for fighting just sounds so good. ^^ whoo a new discovery!
For once I don't have anything really bad to blog about. :) probably because it's all at the back of my mind and I'm trying not to pay attention to it. haha. so there.
cello lesson was kind of lonely without my cello with me. had to use one of mrs i's cellos, which is much older. haha. and her nice, expensive bow. ^^ but I was quite afraid that I'd drop it or something.
should stop making laogong laugh. she coughs really badly when she laughs. not good not good.
erm... have to go call a whole bunch of people now so that I can get a class list and be able to call the whole class. wow. because irresponsible me didn't count the number of stupid richard paul's critical thinking notebooks, and now the numbers don't tally. laoshi is quite pissed I think. but she doesn't sound pissed on the phone. but I bet she's pissed. poor me. poor laoshi. poor me.
kind of scolded the class today, with the "we're dissappointed with you" thing. bleargh. and what actually pissed me off so much that I started on that was that there were *some people who decided that since they didn't support the campaign they need not listen to what we were saying, and was instead reading their newspaper, or having their own private chat. now I know how the teachers feel when we don't listen during their lessons. whee. you know who you are, people. and I know who you are. and we know who you are. ^^ so there.
what're we going to do, anyway?
well, there's nothing much we can do.
it's just a matter if bad impressions. ^^
haha.
hahahahaha.
I miss some people. like ___ and ______ and ______, who I haven't really talked to in a long time. not even a hi. :( quite sad, really.
so happy about my birthday present plans. pity the birthday is so far away. (:
out
sine
sine ranted on Friday, March 5, 2004 08:32 p.m.
`love the kindness campaign official website
I think I flunked my jap test. didn't study. I meant to last night but was so horribly tired I just fell asleep at nine. didn't even come online to blog. bleargh. general fatigue due to serious hyperactivity disorder.
hey, am absolutely serious about the hyperactivity disorder thing. really. It's like in school I can be completely crazy and fun and happy at one moment, and then I can just turn around and start stoning. bleargh. not good. I don't know whether this is because *that time of the month is coming again. but the skin on my face is not in very good shape lately (argh. you know what I'm talking about), so I suspect so.
okayokay. on happier things. geneve and joanna, I am so totally touched by your comments. ^^ thanks a LOT.
I now know what I'm going to give her for her birthday. whee.
I shouldn't blog too long. bleargh.
there are some people who are going to be SO dissappointed with my test results.
and did I tell you that I blanked, did the test, blanked, found that my hands were shaking, blanked, and fell asleep during the extra five minutes given to me?
bleargh. bleeeeeaaaaaargh. bleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaargh.
whoops. slightly imbalanced.
NOOOOOOOOO! I AM GOING TO FAIL!!
whee. from "average student" to "failing underachiever". Good job. very good job.
laogong is sick. I think I passed it to her. bleargh. you know, the "incubation" then the "phases" flu? yup. that one. I caught it from the class at first. suspect that all the little germs kind of came together in my silly little unhealthy body when I went around hugging people. Then they must have formed into some larger species thingy, and attacked me. when I'd recovered somewhat, I started to hug more people (including my laogong) and the bug incubated inside their bodies, now emerging as a new superbug. yeech.
or, as my mom says, laogong's earlier flu might have relapsed. whatever. just hope she's okay. or I'd feel terrible.
are you happy now? haha. freaky song. strangely formulaic, but that's what the world lives for.
have learnt that formulaic is good. because it's the formulaic people who get all the accolades.
so I shall be formulaic too. haha.
d'you think I should trash orion?
jkjk. wouldn't be able to.
bleargh. noticed that I cry more easily now that I've been doing all these staring contests. =___= I almost always win. I even beat sharon. ^^ but I don't dare to try it on some other people. people zai-er than my class. ^^ and me. whahaha.
I'm kind of tearing right now. no use getting all emotional now. but I am, see? gah. me and my stupidity.
remind me not to watch neurotica or listen to the theme song (one of these days by michelle branch) in the near future. I keep crying when I hear the music or watch my friends.
*I'm still there if you need to cry
out
sine
sine ranted on Wednesday, March 3, 2004 05:53 p.m.
=____=
short blog again because a) I'm really shittily tired, and b) I have lots of stuff to do.
whee just returned home from this sharing session for my level chairs and tables. don't know why but it reminded me of rgp pb meetings. but not as serious. thank goodness. rgp pb meetings were scary, especially on occasions when I was just itching to have a laughing fit but was obliged to sit in the front row. haha. but today I was in the back row and was in a "quiet and responsible" mood.
Today was the official launching of love, onethirteen's kindness campaign. ahaha. was struck by sudden inspiration and gave the class a crappy, corny speech on how love was not just about hugs and kisses, but also respect and yadayada. feeling quite proud of myself. ^^ there are some cynics in class but overall I think onethirteen was quite responsive.
just realized how much I missed all my teachers from last year, haha. ^^ and my friends. I miss laoshi lots. and miss tan. yups. and everyone else. nobody can ever replace you people.
have to go now.
out
sine
sine ranted on Monday, March 1, 2004 05:28 p.m.
whee. went to the botanical gardens for outdoor service and games with the youth at my church. It was great. we had the service first, and then we played captain's ball. the guys played soccer. hahas. I think the soccer game was quite disastrous though, but the captain's ball was fun. ^^ especially when you have netballers on your team. my team won, but we decided not to go into the finals because everyone was dead tired. (:
bleargh. have some kind of headache and am in sentimental mood. not good, not good. whoa- my ears hurt.
my cello is still out of tune.
my handphone has been devoid of sms-es for an entire day already- for the first time in a looong while. I haven't even touched it yet! yay!
I hear dinner. must go. now.
sine ranted on Sunday, February 29, 2004 06:40 p.m.
I will state an opinion: today *sucked
lovestupidity makes the world go round.
It's official. I Had Tea With A Man Who Wasn't There is a lousy poem. It was handed back out today. Unrecognizable direction and meaning in poem.
Great.
don't really want to talk about it right now, but in case any of you want to know, if I'm ever writing a poem again, it's going to be titled my silly poetry. now that's obvious. Or else I can go write those mawkish, pseudo-angsty oh-no-I've-fallen-out-of-love-and-I-just-so-totally-hate-you poems. great, then maybe someone else other than myself can relate to it. ^^
As you can see, I am in sarcastic, angry slasher mood. don't make me more pissed. seriously. do yourself a favour, okay?
It was NEVER supposed to be like this. it isn't supposed to *suck. it's supposed to be *great. *fun. *wonderful. but no, it *sucks. no thanks to my amazing, wonderful pms. other people can physically feel themselves ovulating; I know when it's coming- I get so totally pissed at everything all the time. whee.
nope, can't blame the damn thing all on pms. but that's a factor, yeah? and I'm suffering from a bad case of general fatigue due to flu and sporadic hyperactivity disorder. in other words, I'm tired like shit and I've taken too much crap from everyone for my own good.
my cello lesson was completely lousy. I practised. last sunday. wahaha. there you go. and now my cello is dead. out of tune. dead dead dead dead dead dead dead. completely and absolutely dead. it's been causing me a lot of distress. so tomorrow I'm just going to march right down to that place to get it fixed. seriously.
mass swim was fun, but whatever.
and talking to my laogong is a strangely difficult thing to do. brilliantly unresponsive. like wading through honey. or cement. or something along those lines, maybe solid iron. yeah. I guess it just takes time before you can really read someone well and know what interests that person. and some people just don't warm to people like me as quickly as some other people do. suddenly realised how much I love all my LD batchmates and seniors. ^^ haha. and no, I'm not getting all sentimental again. what's there to be sentimental about?
see how SUBTLE i can get? you want UNsubtle, I can give you UNsubtle.
but maybe I shouldn't. not good for my heart.
ooh just shut up.
am aching all over because of those stupid cartwheels. or maybe I really rolled down the stairs while I was sleeping. whatever.
I am not feeling nice at all. at least in school today I managed to pretend to be feeling nice. but now I guess those people who actually read this blooday thing should now know that yeah, I was acting.
I act a lot. I've been acting since I was ten. not just for my cca or some odd skit or mc job. I've been acting every minute of my life since then. ooh, the TRUTH.
and the twist in the story. (the twist is very, very important in a POEM as well, you know)
I might be acting all the time, but in then end I'm the worst actress.
yay! pop the champagne! drink DOM! ^^
do I really care any more? no. maybe I should really get a password to my blog. like ______jie.
out
sine
sine ranted on Friday, February 27, 2004 09:30 p.m.
I watched the station//saw the bus pulling thru
bleargh. watched neurotica yesterday and cried. as in seriously. the same way I was crying backstage during jean's monologue during YOUniverse. with all the sobbing and the "oh... no."s and the tears.
I seriously miss everyone.
ahahas. this is so corny. I miss everyone. boo hoo hoo. wow. but yeah, I'm serious.
just cut my hair. told that lady not to snip so much of my fringe off, so she didn't. for once. I'm not sure how it looks ( haven't glanced into a mirror since... when? just now. yarh.), but mom says my fringe is too long. haha. :)
I was scaring her by telling her that I was going to cut it shoooort like a guy, because it was sooooo cool. haha. and she almost scolded me. ^^ but it would have been quite an adventure, no? haha. jkjk. I wouldn't do that. it's very difficult to grow back into a "girly" shape again, once the layer becomes that steep yarh. ^^
can't really blog that much. just feeling quite upset about certain things I'd rather not talk about.
I know my laogong doesn't read, that's why I'm posting it here:
wh00ps. sorry for everything larh, laogong. the hysterics and the arrrgh-ing. flu and pms is just too much for me to bear. I'll try to be more "normal" next time. I think I made an improvement today, though. and tomorrow I'll have to be nice, yarh? hahas. sorry larh, kays? (: hope you aren't too freaked/pissed. or anything. yups and I love you.
ahaha. and I think I'm still dao-ing geneve larh. but it's not my fault. she's so busy. so it's kind of a shun bian thing; don't have the heart to go up to her and talk or anything. you busy pok. next time you too busy already then you come and dao me I will cry one leh. but if you tooo toooo busy and then cannot manage I will be here yarh? I know you're too busy to read my blog, but you want to cry always got me larh. not that I think you're going to cry anytime soon yarh. just in case. and you can fall asleep while hugging me. I don't mind. you sweaty I also can hug you. I don't mind, yarh? I don't mind if you're busy also. just take care of yourself. too busy can lose weight one leh. then later must drink milk--
why am I typing like this? wow. too much of sms-ing ______ jie already and trying to save space. not good not good. ^^ must go read an english book or something.
arh. ______jie. justme. whatever. love you soo sooo much larh. used to think you were chio-chio. now you're chio-chio from the inside as well. ^^ haha. don't overstress larh, got test man4 man4 lai. (: if I'm disturbing you sometimes, must tell me, kays? and you shouldn't sleep so late. or else the next day mei you jing shen. ^^ I love you name too. hahas.
I think I have to go. yups.
out
sine
sine ranted on Thursday, February 26, 2004 05:43 p.m.
Okay, before anyone reads this pok entry and starts to comfort me, I'm happy, okay? I'm just airing some things that make me puzzled and all. When I'm sad, I'll tell you people. What's there not to be happy about? I mean, my class is great, my school is great, my friends are great, my jies are great (am I still dao-ing geneve?), I miss the people who are not with me like shit, but I see them now and then (not as frequently as I'd like- frequently would be all the time), and heck, I even have a laogong! haha. but that's beside the point.
okay okay so my choice is not what you'd choose, right? well I'm sorry, but that's how I want it to be. I'm stupid, larh. that's just it. and silly. and horribly insecure. yups. so I think I'll just wait until the time comes and then I'll make a decision properly. ever since then I've always been saying "I don't know". well that's because I'm unsure. uncertain. I don't know if it's going to be permanent. not anymore. because you might say it's real but the next thing you say is that we're turning around and going back. then it's not real. who knows what'll happen? I know this stupid choice of mine might ruin everything, but I don't know anymore. I'll just wait. if it's God's will, then it'll happen. but if it isn't, then nevermind. it's happened before, hasn't it? if He doesn't want it to happen, whatever you do you'll still end up at square one. that was one of the worse times in my life. I don't think I'll be able to pick myself up again if something like the other time happens.
--rgp gep seniors 03 zai-- no words can describe what I'm feeling now. hahas. seemed that we loved each other so much that my heart's in bits now that we're not together anymore. that's just like me. I get so attached to everything, yarh, and then when it's pulled away from me I go all emotional. hahas I know a LOT of people have said the same things, but when my real jiejie goes to U and when my other jiejies leave school, I don't know what will happen to me. I tried not to be close to anyone, but it doesn't work. and since I've already dipped my toes in, why not take the dive?
now that I think about it. I am strong enough. I can underestimate everything else about myself, but this is something I can never underestimate. I am strong enough for that. for that shattering, broken feeling all over again. for the tears and the anger. ahahas.
out
sine
sine ranted on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 05:59 p.m.
okay. can't blog too long today; have to go do homework and stuff and all. bleargh.
ooh, kangya jie's letter came in today. :)
I've been casted for minamata! yay!
erm... lynette is nice. yups. and joanna. and viv. and geneve, who I think am dao-ing. haha. ^^ sorry. am in a nonsense kind of mood. and I cannot forget my adopted jiejie, WEN-YI! haha. :)
charlotte is my laogong. yups. so sweet. ^^ my laogong very chio one leh!
okay. must go now.
out
sine
sine ranted on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 08:29 p.m.
remembering: when the hangovers kick in.
Okay, I'm feeling slightly better. headache is gone, sneezing is gone, but the feverish feeling and the sore throat is still lurking around, waiting to relapse. ahaha.
the following bits are about my wonderful days as a wonderfully happy person last year. if you don't want to know about that, I advise you to stop reading.
was just reading my archives and all that; suddenly realised that I never really blogged about the most important things that happened to me last year. Was thinking of finding a nice report on our brilliant speech day performance, or our totally wacky musical The Cow, The Chicken and the Flying Mangosteen, or our disastrous stint at selling things at the CIP fair, but I suddenly realised that I hadn't blogged about it. Noooo! I can remember everything really clearly, but I'll forget, and then I'll never be able to look back at it again! The only thing I'll find on my blog will be loads and loads of depressing entries and nothing else. even the prospect scares me. I think I didn't blog for around ten days after speech day was because I was suffering from MAJOR hangover. withdrawal syndromes. whatever. I get those all the time. I get really really hyped up about speech day every year, and then when it's over I just curl up and cry and cry and cry. not in front of everyone, though. I either cry or sleep. either way it helps me tide over the sense of loss. Heck, I fell so in love with jack during orientation that it hurt like crazy to part with that character. It's like I've lost a bit of myself after that one, single, heart-stopping performance. I fell in love with uji as well, last year. okay, until I saw those pictures of me and claire and alyssa. ick. they are pasted up on my post it board and my mom laughs at them on a regular basis. I hated my eyebrows and sideburns. ^^ and nooo, don't ask me if I can bring them to school. too embarrassing. but I loved uji, I loved the complete, absolute thrill of being onstage. I only had about two years of experience being onstage before that, but last year, I was completely comfortable. evenstar, can you remember our impromptu mc stint?
oh man that was just completely hilarious. I'd forgotten to do the script for the GEP musical performance concert thing (where every gep class does this musical), and we only remembered that we had to do it on the day itself. so evenstar and I just went up there, made up our own jokes, and had a GREAT time on stage. haha. :) but it was kind of scary, coming to think about it. if miss chia had found out about our irresponsibility, I think we would have been really really scolded. And evenstar was the flying mangosteen, damien was the cow, ariel was the chicken, ym was little purple riding hood, cheryl was the tree called spaghetti, I was the deadpan narrator, and the rest of the class was the choir. and the script was by evenstar and I!! haha. I think we garnered the most laughs. (big ego acting up) seriously. the entire thing was completely original, apart from the modified songs. ^^
sine ranted on Monday, February 23, 2004 05:28 p.m.
argh. I feel like shit right now. Have absolutely NO IDEA where I got this stupid flu from, but I suspect it's from someone else in my class. Now I know why hugging is bad for your health. ack. My head is aching, my nose is runny, my throat is unbearably sore, my eyes are watering, and I am feeling slightly feverish. I really hope I haven't infected anyone yet, or they'd have to suffer the same hell I'm going through right now.
but the worse thing about this flu is that it's not bad enough to warrant an entire day of lazing around in bed or anything of the sort. not that I want to. I simply CANNOT miss any more school, or I will die and die and die and die. so I have to continue doing everything as per normal, while feeling horrible and puky throughout. have to go study for tests later. and finish all my what-the-crap journals and die-die-die homework. bleargh.
and last night was the end of our sms therapy session. haha. it lasted for a grand total of one-and-a-half days, starting on saturday afternoon and ending last night. the weirdest thing about it is that we met this morning and didn't talk at all; just said hi. *scratches head* Guess life's like that. ^^
am SO TOUCHED by geneve's letter. after waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for around two weeks, it finally came in. bwarhaha. I don't think I should write a reply yet; the germs might just infect her as well, when my germy fingers come into contact with the paper. :) no, no. just joking. horrible sense of humour though.
should go bathe now; maybe I'll feel better after that. but for now, my current mood is shitty. bleargh.
out
sine
sine ranted on Monday, February 23, 2004 03:13 p.m.
heh. am back from church and lunch. chicken rice. again. It's quite sad, the way I'm always eating the same thing. My mom bought pau again, so expect to see the return of the tissue paper pau tomorrow! okay nevermind. that was just corny.
my sister has a viola lesson later, so she's practising outside right now. arrgh! she sounds so good on her viola! I simply have to practise. I just praypraypray that my cello hasn't died on me and toinked out of tune. It's been doing that for the past few weeks. The previous week, an entire peg (A string) just fell out and all the strings were just jiggling around. and last week the entire thing went out of tune and my poor dad had to help me tune it. arrgh. the pains of possessing a tempramental cello. my violin never exactly misbehaved, but I'm afraid I can't play it at the moment because somebody popped a string during orientation. I just knew I shouldn't have brought it to school. >< oh never mind. it's over already. but I think sooner or later I'll have to get my sister to bring it back to my violin teacher (incidentally her viola teacher) to have it fixed. my sad, sad past.
woke up during the wee hours of the morning for a pee break. [don't you find that this description makes you laugh more?] checked my handphone and realised that there was a message for me that had been sent at around 11pm, during which I was sleeping. was feeling so sick when I read the message (lack of sleep) that I decided not to reply until morning came. argh.
ooh, a reply just came in! (: haha. okay nevermind. that was so extra.
am probably going running again today. whoa. let's just hope I can keep it at three rounds. and then maybe next week I'll be able to do four. it's quite fun to run, actually, because you spend the entire time trying to spot out people who are wearing green. it's quite sad, because most people wear blue or white or black or peenk. :( I wore my green socks yesterday but didn't get cut like the other time because I pulled them up properly. I think my green socks shrank in the wash or something, because they are so much smaller then all the others. must buy more shades of green socks when I get a chance too. the only pair I have is neon green. (: but it's faded until it's no longer neon anymore. just bright green. a cute kind of green. (:
whoo couldn't resist it and just ran out to check if my cello was in tune after one day. IT STILL IS! this is great! Okay I will finish blogging in a bit, read the newspaper, bathe and then go practise my cello. am soo, soo happy! haha.
still have lots of homework to do; just hope I can finish it this afternoon.
out
sine
sine ranted on Sunday, February 22, 2004 11:56 a.m.
I find it quite interesting that I can hold a conversation via sms from around 4.00 up till now, while doing so many other things at the same time. so fun. I REALLY ENJOYED YOUR COMPANY! but I'm quite scared that my sms count will go above 360. :(
haha. went for piano lesson just now, but before I left the house my mom suddenly decided that we were going running straight after that, so I should change. But of course I couldn't turn up at my piano teacher's house in shorts, so my mom dug out this horrible denim skirt from two years back and made me wear it over my shorts.
it was absolutely ghastly. Every week I turn up at her place looking like crap, and then suddenly I turn up fifteen minutes late in a skirt. The most formal thing I've ever worn to her house was my nice pair of jeans, and now I was wearing a SKIRT? couldn't believe myself. ^^ ahaha. you should have seen me. I looked like some kind of fat pok.
but the only other time I'd worn it was two years ago, and I think I looked even fatter, so I'm not exactly complaining.
then went running. wanted to run 800m, but ended up running 1.2. sister went on and ran 1.6. Guilty concience acting up, I presume. she fell into a drain and hurt her leg and couldn't come for the past week.
out
sine
sine ranted on Saturday, February 21, 2004 07:41 p.m.
i had tea with a man who wasn't there
He wasn’t old, just older.
Old enough.
He got up and I followed him
To wherever he might go.
He led me to the very
Place
I feared the most.
Where everything was cold and stark and absolutely
Grey.
And as he poured the steaming tea, it’s
Fragrance wafting to my nose,
I heard a nonexistent conversation
Bouncing
Off the walls.
I never saw him come or go
I never saw him smile
I had tea with a man who wasn’t there.
And suddenly I
Wondered
If I’d one day be like him- a
Shadow,
Powerful,
Sipping tea in this
Place
That all else feared.
My teacup
Shattered,
Tinkling
With a gleeful sound.
And I
Left.
But it seemed that I could
Never
Let go.
I wasn’t
Old, just
Older.
Old enough.
I got up, but
Nobody
Followed.
And I didn’t
Care.
My feet took me to the very Place
But what was there to fear?
Where everything was
Cold
And
Stark
And
Absolutely
Grey.
And once again
I had tea with a man who wasn’t there.
and ladies and... ladies! you have just survived a lousy poem! good for you! incidentally, this was my first serious poem. and NOBODY can understand it! isn't this wonderful?
okayokay. I will stop being sarcastic even though I feel completely so. I wonder why...
am toying with the idea of using a new blogging style: shallow blogging. blogging for no reason, just to bamboozle the reader and to make oneself angry.
nah, don't think I shall. not very nice.
mom absolutely refuses to paint my room green- dark green or light green. she says it won't look good. whatever.
don't want to talk about anything else; not feeling so good. erm... this "isolation" thingy going on in class- I don't feel very good about it. yeah. not healthy.
and that is one of the themes I'm really bothered with this year. territorialism. isolation. disgusting things; worse than bombs. and that's what i had tea with a man who wasn't there is all about, but seeing that nobody understood it, I failed miserably. not that I care anymore. poetry, especially mine, is horribly contrived. :)
will finish blogging now and scoot off to remove the excerpt of Orion from the previous post; is taking up too much space.
sine ranted on Saturday, February 21, 2004 11:15 a.m.
eternity, you are just so tremendously sweet. ^^ you go girl! haha. okay nevermind.
just arrived home from cello lesson. can't say it was good- cello went out of tune, didn't really practice, yada yada. the usual story. then sight-read some originally nice hymns, kind of killed the tunes, and now I'm home. (:
can't really blog more. am happy. yup. am happy. (:
sine ranted on Friday, February 20, 2004 08:58 p.m.
actually, it doesn't. when you're happy, it goes too fast for your own good. when you're completely miserable and feel just plain ghastly it just creeps along with this sadistic smirk plastered all over its fat face.
won't even try to talk about the horrible thing I did today. :( but hey, I apologised via sms! sometimes I just feel so retarded. ^^
okayokay. here is an excerpt from orion, for the benefit of those who couldn't get their hands on the latest version and are missing it (fat hope). and for those who have never read it. *smiles widely* I have a hard copy with me, so if you want to read it [fully updated], just approach me, kay? or call. or sms. or whatever. don't even know why you'd want to read it.
but that's beside the point. presenting the best part of Orion:
[which I have removed. haha on you, then.]
-end-
actually omitted this entire chunk about Ottorino running away, but whatever.
couldn't you feel the melodrama? oh well, I was always like that. corny, unoriginal, whatever. ah, yes, contrived. :) so proud of myself.
my mom went out to far east flora and splurged on flower seeds and orchids. beats me how she's going to fit all the new plants into our already-full-and-very-very-GREEN garden. or maybe she's not going to. whatever. while other moms go out to robinsons and isetan an takashimaya to buy clothes for themselves, my wonderful mom goes to the nurseries and has the time of her life over there buying plants. I think our garden is worth about a few thousand bucks right now. and counting. ^^
I think my house has the most plants in the street. :) if you count the stuff my mom planted outside the house by the road, and the vegetable garden at the back. and the hanging gardens. and the balcony garden. and the plants inside the house itself- next to the fish tank, the piano, under the staircase, yadayadayada. and the poor neglected money plant in my sister's toilet that she [my sister, not my mom] keeps forgetting to water.
sine ranted on Friday, February 20, 2004 12:22 p.m.
increasing urge to laugh hysterically
oh no, this cannot be good. I have an increasing urge to laugh hysterically. Not good, not good. Okay. whatever.
if YOU want to laugh too, visit Elijah Wood is Very Very Gay. :) and no, I wasn't laughing because of that.
erm... went over to evenstar's blog and re-read the blog entry shi posted last night. Sorry. sorry sorry sorry.
Okay... on to the happy things. I am going on this Beatles thingy. As in they are so uber kewl man! ooh. corny. shouldn't poke fun at fellow bloggers. And why am I at the bottom of this list?
all the rgp ppl i met today: lynette, mishie, athena, natalie, rongie, denise, grace, jackie, hannah!
haha. just joking. :) don't freak out or anything; I'm not that despo. ^^ Was great seeing you yesterday.
NOW, I will proceed to grouse about the apparent state of the rgp drama club. *goes into hysterics* DILUTION! DILUTION! NOOOOOO! YOU CANNOT DO THIS, ALMA MATER! YOU CANNOT MERGE THE TWO SESSIONS! [at least that's what I heard from glen] I OPPOSE! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT RGP DRAMA CLUB MORNING SESSION IS TRADITIONALLY THE SPEECH DAY GROUP! HOW COULD YOU MERGE THEM!? NOOOOOO!
and of course there's supposed to be this thing about horrible drama juniors this year. all of this is desperately not our problem, but we still plan to go back and scold them, nonetheless.
actually I was joking. We're not that evil. we just want to go for a drama club session and sit down there watching our juniors rehearse, at the same time scaring those new teensy obnoxious *other* juniors so that they won't be so obnoxious. and we were also considering going to rosyth to visit miss j. :( WE MISS YOU LOTS!
okay. now I don't feel like laughing so much. sometimes I miss laoshi a lot. I miss her bi3 ji4. :) haha freaky person. fancy missing bi3 ji4. but I do, yeah. and she laughed so cutely. ^^ okay. now there's something seriously wrong with me.
ahaha. I've just been hurt by someone else's blog. wow like anyone cares. :)
I love yesterday by the beatles! And nowhere man.
and hopefully that certain paragraph has been concealed by the rest of the *exploding* happiness. YAY!
and I closed my eyes and sighed.
and there was darkness.
sine ranted on Thursday, February 19, 2004 08:19 p.m.
has anyone realised that my favourite food has kind of changed from chocolate to yoghurt? nowadays when I'm pissed or sad or anything and am hungry at the same time the first thing that comes to my mind is yoghurt. not chocolate. :) wonder whether that's good or bad.
I am blogging in a more... languid way, with that kind of gyoza feeling, but of course nowhere as witty and interesting. no more angry shaking fingers and inspired pseudo-poetic whatevers. of course, I'm not saying that pseudo-poetic whatevers and shaking fits of inspiration are bad. [am starting to become more diplomatic] I'm just saying that these are things that I don't like.
and then it comes to this misunderstanding between evenstar and I. Okay. So I'm getting quite off-guard with my blogging and all that. when I first started out I was really careful to make everything seriously diplomatic and all, but nowadays all I want to do is air my views and get everything off my chest. not good, not good. I know I hurt some people in the course of my criticism of some people other than the poor souls who got hurt. I'm so completely sorry. I know it's bad to criticize in the first place, so I'll stop. If I claim to love these people then I shouldn't feel like that. so there.
and the thankyous go to everyone who commented on my little enetations comments box- the indispensable damien-san, the inflatuated eternity, the beautiful ki, the indescribable evenstar, the happy and wonderful joanna, the lovely ting, the completely brilliant geneve, the adorable muthu, the enigmatic underscore lady, the cUUte vivian, the mysterious pinefox [who incidentally was a Q-er], the sweetest racheL, the absolutely nice mae-jie, and zai-est zai person justme, whom only I know. thank you
sine ranted on Thursday, February 19, 2004 04:54 p.m.
by right, today wasn't such a good day. nope, not at all. but I don't think I really want to talk about it. sorry ele, if you're sick and tired to posting nice things on my enetations box because of my constant whining and trashing things around here. but you see, because I get angry here and break everything, I'm a much happier person after that. Like today I-
okay so I wasn't that happy today. whatever.
I was happy in the morning. and sleepy. I'm okay now. just need a bath.
one day we should really all just sit around and eat chocolate and be happy. and talk. everyone should do that. and share drinks without being afraid of bird flu, and skip around merrily and go around hugging the people that you love without people thinking you're crazy or freaky or something.
but it seems, not today.
out
sine
sine ranted on Wednesday, February 18, 2004 05:22 p.m.
do I care? no. don't give a shit. whatever.
you know why I shut up and run away? because if I don't, I'll say something horrible and I'll scare someone away. my vocab is limited to "hi" right now. it's better than saying something that hurts. this sucks.
am not going to go near some people from now on. it's for their own good. I'm not doing anything right. this isn't working out. one day everything will just fall down. flutter to the ground like a collapsed card castle.
and for the record, I hate writing poetry. it's either contrived, unfathomable, cliched, or just simply doesn't make sense. or all of those things at one go. so there. I don't see the point in wasting my time on poetry if it's just going to make me feel horrible at the end of the day. I worked so hard on i had tea with a man who wasn't there, and in the end nobody understood it. what's the bloody point of putting in so much effort then? I could have just written some sappy love poem and be done with it. like "those chocolates you gave me warmed my heart like the sun". or a horribly dark, pseudo-angsty one like "you ripped OUT my soul and I'm BLEEDING all over and I'm going to DIEE and it's ALL YOUR FAULT! haha it's ALL YOUR FAULT! i love you but you left me and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"
argh. have had enough of those to last me a lifetime.
sine ranted on Tuesday, February 17, 2004 10:09 p.m.
today was a (relatively) happy day. had a suitably interesting science lesson, spent my recess trying to cheer up a sad geneve (who at the end of the day was happy anyway, no thanks to me), had a relatively interesting philo lesson, went for history which was relatively interesting, had chinese, which was quite fun, and then went to listen to a speech by the principal,
during which I promptly dozed off.
then while I was sleeping I suddenly heard the principal's voice in my head telling me, "hannah, wake up or I'll scold you!"
and so I woke up.
Don't want to bore you with all the rest of the details; just that I got through an entire day in a reasonably good mood, which is something I should be thankful for. :) recess was spent rather hysterically, but yeah, I was in a good mood.
argued with geneve over whether the stupid winking person on my handphone is male or female. she said it was female. I said it was an effeminate male. oh well. then, ignoring my mother's instructions to wait for her in the foyer, I decided to walk her down to the busstop outside. halfway there, I remember what my mother had told me, walked the rest of the way, and then sprinted right back to the foyer, only to find that she hadn't arrived yet. but yeah, I'm still happy, even though knowledgenet is down again.
thanks SO SO MUCH to everyone who posted
sine ranted on Monday, February 16, 2004 08:29 p.m.
and my poem
sucks.
oh no, I don't claim to be good at poetry. I don't particularly warm to poetry, inspired or not. poetry is contrived most of the time. simply contrived. it's infinitely difficult to write a completely sincere poem. when abstract concepts like love are put in words they lose their purity. if I wrote down the most sincere thing someone ever said to me, it'd lose its meaning. but I'll put it down. I'll write it out.
I love you.
and that's the most sincere thing I've ever said to anyone before.
aha, you say. V*day special. sine talks about love. wow. I could also tell you about my 800m run in five minutes without stopping. I could also tell you about my grandmother. I could also tell you all about my homework.
but I don't want to.
my horrible, ridiculously contrived poem.
her horrible, ridiculously contrived poems.
I mustn't look down on others because I might be just as bad.
and then what'd you say?
sine ranted on Saturday, February 14, 2004 10:51 p.m.
for some freaky reason, eternity's blog has freaked me out. was "inflatuated" misspelled on purpose? haha. ^^ but it should be okay, once you stop hyperventilating everytime you see godzilla. *grins* seriously, we should really swop recess timetables. :) okay but nevermind. just joking.
am purposely trying to make my blog more *happy*. ^_______________^ so people who read it will be *happy*. wow. since when did I care about what they thought? then you really don't know me. :) I seem to care too much sometimes.
ah well, I think I might have slipped back into depression. crap.
erm. HAPPY VALENTINES! yeah. am buying sweets to give out tomorrow because the 15th is a sunday. yeah. will I get scolded for giving out unhealthy foodstuff? haha. maybe I should switched to fuji apples. hahaha. :)
a few more words that I've been turning over in my head today. Maybe I'd feel better if I threw them around out here.
territorial
noise
neglect
gone
contrived
happy
handphone
homework
zainess
hate
flowers
money
apples
chocolate
buckle
cello
breakfast
hah. that was roughly my day. :)
out
sine
sine ranted on Thursday, February 12, 2004 05:51 p.m.
one day I'll have to shut up
and stop wallowing.
one day I'll have to realise that
it's not just me.
hypocrite.
out
sine
sine ranted on Tuesday, February 10, 2004 09:43 p.m.
yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as if they're here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday.
suddenly,
I'm not half the girl I used to be
there's a shadow hanging over me
Oh Yesterday came suddenly.
How it flew right by I don't know- I can't explain.
I just know it's gone and I long for yesterday.
yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now I need a place to hide away.
oh I believe in yesterday.
sine ranted on Monday, February 9, 2004 07:09 p.m.
wrong all over again. forget it all. don't give a shit. sorry if I'm being dumb now it's just me. this really sounds silly. I don't really care. I know I'll feel better when this is all over. funny when you say something it means so much to me. then I turn around and it seems that I'm the unfair one.
sorry my latest blog entries aren't as explicit about my feelings and all. I don't exactly want to publish everything that I'm thinking out here for everyone to see.
but I shouldn't be whining right now. I'm free. ^^ this is great.
out
sine
sine ranted on Monday, February 9, 2004 03:20 p.m.
you haha, you!
bwahahaha. hahaha. :)
sorry. I have this UNBELIEVABLE URGE TO LAUGH.
and yet it's all so weird, the fact that I have a lump in my throat.
kind of like when I eat breakfast in the canteen in the morning and am trying to swallow this HORRIBLY dry mouthful of bread. *swallo- owwie*
hahaha. I'm laughing again.
and yet I feel so sad.
it's so hard for me to cry
don't know about you
but I feel relief when the tears come.
It's better than biting your lip.
hahaha. now it's bitter. I don't need to laugh or cry.
I don't need to sing.
all I need is-
sorrysorrysorry.
sorrysorry.
sorry.
I don't dare speak in case it scares.
I don't dare speak in case it makes you
cringe in irritation
like I do sometimes when They whine and
whine the day away.
and then They turn around and tell
everyone that I'm the one making all that noise.
you're understanding they tell Them.
why can't you be like them? they tell me.
and then I don't know
what I should do.
silent.
learn to listen.
don't be sad.
don't get angry.
don't cry.
just smile your way through that pitch-black rain.
there might be no end but at least someone
will give you an umbrella.
don't show what makes you tick.
don't show what makes you cry.
and I'll show you a
person who nobody
really understands.
good or bad I don't really know.
just smile your
way through that pitch
black rain. there might
be no end but maybe
someone will give you an
umbrella.
you're the last person I should get angry with. just remember that and throw it in my face the next time I do that.
sorry.
out
sine
sine ranted on Sunday, February 8, 2004 05:38 p.m.
thanks to everyone who helped me through this horrible day. argh this is so horrible. erm geneve, vivian, joanna, kangya jiejie... jingyue jiejie. thanks go to you people most of all yeah. sorry about all the hysterics and all. and sorry geneve for crying all over you. heh. so malluating. the strange thing is that the older I get the more I want to cry. it happened last year too. oh crap. nevermind. and vivian is my nicest strings senior. :) thanks so much for your letter. very cute. I haven't replied yet, though.
ah. moving on to nicer things, I am VERY PROUD of my music profile that I typed out in five minutes for my group. it's SO LITERAL that I want to puke. don't blame us; we were the ones who wanted it vague and dark and scary. or more like I was the one. That song is seriously the worst thing I've ever written. okay. nevermind. here's the damn funny synopsis:
The Angry Storm depicts a vulnerable, lonely character caught in the wrath of a raging tempest with nowhere to go. We wrote this song to illustrate our feelings of fear and awe every time it rained. Since young, we have been enraptured by the sheer power and fluidity of the tropical rainstorm, and this song is our tribute to this magnificent work of nature.
haha. my sister says this is GEPper crap. :) And she also says that I'm improving with this thing. So proud of myself.
I am broke, so my mom is rationing my allowance. ELDS still owes me 7 bucks lunch money. and ALL the YOUniverse tickets are sold out! YAY! originally wanted to sell ele's ticket to kangya jiejie, but damien sold it before she could confirm anything. this sound so much like some mad bidding thing. hah.
LD was okay. just felt a bit wonky throughout. then I told my mom about everything when we were in the car, she blew up and started scolding khoo. :) when we reached home she gave me some yoghurt. ^^ am happy. when I successfully quit strings I will personally shred the saint paul's suite cello part into itsy pieces and dump it into a nice, rubbishy dustbin. but that's another story.
I have to go to bed now. err. thanks to everyone again, kay?
out
sine
sine ranted on Tuesday, February 3, 2004 09:50 p.m.
There's this empty void inside me that keeps on hurting and hurting and hurting. I don't know why but it's just there. It just makes me feel horrible. I don't even know why it's there, why it's destroying my life, why it's making me feel like there's nothing more that I can do. Everything is just crushing in around me. I don't want to face it, but day by day it just keeps getting worse and worse.
why does it always become like this?
out
sine
sine ranted on Sunday, February 1, 2004 08:02 p.m.
hey people! Thanks so, so much for all the encouraging remarks that you've posted in my comments box. They really mean a lot to me. A lot of things people say mean a lot to me, even though I don't really remember exactly what they said. Getting the gist of everything around you is the most important. Yup. That's it.
There's a new term for me! D-O-R-Y. Wow.
oh, and wanting still remembers toinky tan! How did you know I'm changing my name to that? wait... did I post it in an entry before? oops. sorry.
I realised today that I am 10cm shorter than kangya jiejie. ah crap. and ALL THE LETTERS CAME IN TODAY! well, not all, but kangya's and geneve's. It's geneve's birthday today. I saw her at ncc, but I thought she was busy, so I didn't go up to her to wish her a happy birthday (I thought her birthday was tomorrow!). Then joanna told me it was today! argh! I felt so bad that I didn't wish her happy birthday, so I smsed her. luckily she read it, or I'd have ended up feeling horrid for the rest of the day.
am currently going to start on my homework, having just come back from my aunt's place. they were eating steamboat, and I thought it was quite cool (oh, and my cousin has FFX-2!! I watched him play the first part! It's great!), until my uncle and dad started talking about cars. after that, everything smelt like petrol. gross. So I finished up, excused myself, and sat down at the coffee table and started to write a reply to kangya's letter. I was writing and writing and writing, until I suddenly realised that I was on my second page. in itsy handwriting, horizontally on chinese foolscap. my sister commented that I looked more like I was writing a thesis than a letter. gah. after I finish *that* letter, I'll start on geneve's, and then my angel's, and then I'll have to write to my psls and jingyue-jiejie and cherie-jiejie. aargh. this is so crazy! >< but I love writing letters. and I love reading letters addressed to me. :) they make me feel G-R-E-A-T. hah.
out
sine
sine ranted on Saturday, January 31, 2004 09:02 p.m.
gaaaaaaah.
one down. three more to go.
this is so creepy.
uhh. I have a lot of homework right now (am quite busy), so I have to stop. NOw.
WATCH YOUniverse!
out
sine
sine ranted on Thursday, January 29, 2004 09:23 p.m.
Okay. I know I'm getting really wonky these few days. I'm sorry but everything is all so twisted and horrible. I get these memory lapse thingys and forget what I said to someone some time ago. Or else I just forget what I'm going to say. I spend my free time saying hi to everyone but strangely I can't seem to look them in the eye anymore. It's like... I can say hi to these whole bunch of people face-to-face but I'm actually staring at their nose or their collar. I get these horrible headaches when I'm in a large group, but if I extract myself I just get even more worked up. This is so... abnormal. Why can't I just stay in LD like a normal member? Why do I have to attend four more useless strings sessions so as to make a blooday informed decision when I'll be choosing LD over strings even if I have to attend for an entire term? I have four years' narrative from my sister- first hand- about what strings is like, and I've already attended one horrible session. It seems that khoo thought that I was a good sight reader because I played the italian rant at high speed. I'm lousy at it. I cannot sight read. everyone misunderstood and thought I was sight reading, but I had actually bloody memorised the damned thing. and so that's why she got me to skip the most difficult line in the entire damn song.
and so now she's not letting me quit strings for LD. Is this possible? No. I have my own freedom of choice, don't I? We are given the right to audition for multiple CCAs and choose one in the end, right? Muthu quit track and field for ODAC and nothing's happening to her, right? Why is this happening to me? It's unfair. I'm getting so stressed out that I almost bloody broke down in front of everyone today during our fifteen minute break halfway through music composition, which I have come to hate. The fifteen minute break is officially my favourite part of that dratted subject. What's the point of letting us compose songs if in the end all our work is still being dictated? Where is the freedom of expression? why can't I write something dark and angsty? Why can't anyone see the figurative meanings? Why is everything so damn literal.
if anyone thinks that all this pressure is going to force me back into strings, you're sadly mistaken. this pressure has cemented my choice. I am not joining that CCA. Ever. I might go for four sessions, but at the end of the day I'll still join LD. At least it's something I love.
hey, don't get me wrong. I love playing my cello (it's just a bit tempramental when the weather gets testy). I just don't think I'm ready for strings. I don't want to kill my interest. I want to learn at my own pace, not at this stupendous rush. I'm not learning cello for the exam cert. I'm learning it because I want to know the instrument. I want to learn to love it, to cherish it. It's not a tool. It's something completely different. can't anyone see that?
this is so horrible. everything is closing in around me. It's not working, and my social skills are dying. Who actually waves goodbye before a conversation is finished? Who actually forgets to say hello? I can't even sleep standing up now (I can sleep sitting down though. I did it on the bus to MOELC).
I am trying to lose weight but I don't know why nothing is happening to me. I haven't bought food from the school canteen in AGES. I don't even know how to buy ice cream, char siew pau, or those buns and sandwiches from that shelf thingy. I have been solely eating what my mother has given me. I think I have lost 1kg. or 0.5kg. I can't read the scales from up there.
yesterday we mobbed kangya jiejie who happened to be standing around with junli after I couldn't find khoo during lunch. (I spent recess hanging around with wonderful geneve, but I couldn't find happy joanna. or did I?) so I sort of joined the group of people (hhr and nat are becoming more and more lesbo) and said hi. no, I didn't say hi. Or did I? No, I didn't. I yowled "HELLO KANGYA JIEJIE!". Yup. and then I forgot a lot of stuff (like whether kangya jiejie knew my name, etc) and completely malluated myself. Maybe I should change my name to toinky tan. rgp people can remember my old alias last year, right? when I was hiding from a murderous michelle a who wanted her CDs back. ^^ the woes of being in charge of CDs...
err... I've off-tracked again. but that's pretty good, because then I'll be happier. This is a relatively loong blog, isn't it?
I'm still not really very happy or anything, but blogging has cheered me up somewhat. I'm sorry everyone, exposing you people to all this unhappiness during CNY. but this is my blog.
out
sine
sine ranted on Wednesday, January 28, 2004 06:19 p.m.
notice.
people who visit my blog for the first time please feel free to visit my archives, which have lots of posts that I may refer to next time. :) thx.
sine ranted on Monday, January 26, 2004 03:54 p.m.
gaaah.
just visited my page and there's nothing showing up. wow. let's just hope this entry will do the trick.
watched the last samurai just now. brilliant, politically correct, and more brilliant. painfully so, at moments. :) but it was good. watch if you can. great acting. tom cruise can act, you know. and it's not just in this show. top gun, minority report, a few good men, la di da.
out
sine
sine ranted on Saturday, January 24, 2004 10:32 p.m.
and so they ask me: how was your holiday to mongoosed malaysia?
and I reply: mongoosed.
and they ask me: why?
and I reply: it was all because of my mongoosed relatives.
and before they can ask more, I smile serenely and saunter off.
now, what was that for?
okay, on a more serious tone, my blog might well be famous! If you are on your search for the fabled amanda zain fansite, I'm in the google search list! yay! open the champag- no, wait! DOM! wahoo! calloo callay!
oh, now I'm bonkers.
if any of you are a pilgrim searching for the FAZF, please click on my archives and go to the site labeled "the man who wasn't there", where the last remains of the FAZF lie (I saved it in time. I hope). And while you are here, feel free to comment or read my blog. And remember to visit www.veryverygay.com for some more fun.
conclusion: elijah wood is very very gay.
sorry. am bonkers.
sine ranted on Friday, January 23, 2004 10:26 p.m.