Sunday, June 1, 2003
07:14 p.m.
Enchanting...

I was sitting at the dinner table about five minutes ago and attempting to eat stromboli, or however you spell it. You know, that popular pizza-like thing that most people call "Italian" while I suggest it's nothing more than a bunch of random foods thrown together and baked into a slab of dough. Regardless, as I was eating and listening to my mother bitch about everything on God's green earth (i.e. She was having a fit because no one made her tea when it was gone. I don't drink her tea, therefore I don't feel obligated to make any when I see there's none left) and how Dave ever-so-cleverly tried to avert any of her fowl intentions by cracking a smile and giggling like a homosexual, I realized that I've had an extremely fucked up life.

My mother didn't raise me. Sure, she toted me around and entered me in beauty pageants in attempt to show me off, but she never raised me. When I was a wee youngin' and needed some of the atention all babies need various times during the day it was my grandmother and great-grandmother who came to the rescue, much to my delight.

My mother has never been big on responsibilities. Hell, not too long after I was born she and my father split up. He helped her pack the bags. And believe me, my childhood while they were together wasn't all that grand, either. My father is one of the best fathers one could wish for, but my mother completely screwed him over. He would do anything for her... and usually that led to fights (How? I don't know. She was getting everything she wanted... but she still found things to bitch about).

We used to live in a shitty little apartment thing in Towanda -- a place in an alley-way that my uncle Sonny owned. We had a few exotic birds and the place was extremely cramped. I was also a picky little bitch. I wouldn't wear jeans or hiking boots at all and I'd scream and throw a fit if someone even suggested I wear either of them. One of the birds we had used to drink coffee. The Macaw we had was named Frankie. We thought he was a boy until it layed an egg several years later after it had been given back to uncle Sonny. Frankie is now bald and looks like a plucked chicken with a fancy beak.

Then we moved into in a medium sized house... still in Towanda, only closer to our school. Our living room was huge... and it was, overall, a cute little house... Except for the fact that the place was swarming with cockroaches. No, we weren't dirty, it was just the god damned things could never be gotten rid of. They were superbugs. Nothing would kill the idiots. Not only that, but our great nextdoorneighbour sold my mother a carpet for T and I's room but he neglected to tell us the damned thing was infested with fleas. T and I had to get dressed while standing on our beds. I don't remember how we made it to our dressers without drowning in a hopping ocean of blood-sucking demons from nextdoor.

I've also been plagued with migraines ever since I could remember. Which isn't a good thing. I remember days when my head hurt so bad I didn't leave my bed until I needed to... and it was horrible because just outside I could hear my friends playing their games and occasionally one of them would ask if I could come out to play and, of course, I couldn't because I was bedridden and plotting the demise of whatever god had given me the "gift" of being able to recieve massive amounts of pain on the best of days.

I also remember sitting in a backseat of a car and going at a speed well above the speed limit. I can't remember if I was in the car my father was in, or if I was in the car one of my other relatives was in who was chasing the car my father was in. Either way, it's a scary experience when you're about three years old and you think you're life's about to be ended because you may wind up smashed into something not-too-child-friendly.

My relatives were stupid. One of my uncles crashed into a brick wall while riding his motorcycle. He was drunk. And he was pretty much dead after he had the accident. One of my grandmothers or aunts or whatevers died of cancer and her husband died of a heartattack. Then another one of my relatives died... and I went to her funeral. I had an uncle Roger who was accused of sexually abusing his son by his ex-wife and he hung himself in jail... and then my cousin was riding a four wheeler over in Nevada and it flipped and he died in his mothers arms. It wasn't cool.

I think I was three or four when my parents finally split, but before that I remember one night my mother barged into our room, pulled T and I out of our beds, and marched out of the house in a fit of fury before walking with us down the street. I suppose she ignored the fact that T and I were in our pajamas and the weather outside was not nice to little girls with scrawny chicken legs who were trying their best to keep warm regardless of the fact that they were wearing t-shirts. I don't remember where we went and I don't remember how long we stayed there. I don't even know how I got back... but I do remember that I felt like an ice cube.

I had a cat back then. His name was Pickles... and yes, he likes pickles. The little fucker used to eat them all. He was black everywhere except for his eyes -- they were a green color that matched the green in my eyes. Tiara had a cat, too. It's name was something stupid and plain like "Moonlight" or something. It had a cresent moon shaped pattern on it's chest and it was overall a cute little cat before we had to give it away, along with Pickles, to some guy who lived God knows where...

Sometime after that we moved to Reading to live with my grandmother. The house was small... and she had a cat that wouldn't stop making cute little kittens. As soon as she'd have a litter she'd go and get pregnant again. But her kittens were absolutely adorable and once she decided she wanted to have babies in T and I's bed when we were sleeping. It was not fun. The meowing woke both of us up and T said her leg felt weird so we lifted the covers and threw them back only to find the idiot cat giving birth to her litter not too far from T's feet and T had her leg over top of one of the newly born kittens. So we awoke mom and we got to watch the cat have the rest of her babies and the poor kitten that Tiara almost killed was adopted my me and named "Sinceray" or however you wish to spell it. I forgot how I spelled it back then. T adopted one of the other kittens and named him "Mohawk" because, dammit, that cat remains to be the only cat I've ever seen with an actual mohawk. Regardless, we got rid of the sex-hungry cat and the rest of her kittens and then I moved with my dad and his girlfriend Connie and her fucked-up son Joey...

The bitch Connie didn't like the fact that kittens don't become litter-trained within a day. I mean, she couln't comprehend the idea of it taking a few days so while I was sleeping she took Sinceray and chucked her out the door. Both she and my father wouldn't let me go get her when I found out what she did. I knew where my kitty was, she was down on the farm at the end of the road... it just pissed me off that they wouldn't let me go get her. That's where the depression started. Living there was like living under Hitler or something... If I didn't do something when I was supposed to or how I was supposed to then I was punished severely for it. Take for example this one time I did dishes and got one dish not-so-clean and they took every single dish out of all the cabinets and made me wash them.

We had lots of animals. Two dogs and two cats and billions of fish. Sammy and Sara were the dogs and Connie's cat was named Tabitha and she hated everyone but Connie and I and dad's cat was Simba. He remains the furriest cat I've ever seen. And apparently he was given his name before the Lion King movie came out so I'm guessing my father had this thing with Africans.

And then one time Connie's stupid retard dog Sammy took off and Joey and I had to go find her and Sara (the one we got after the big black dog hung itself... which I didn't mention. We buried him under an apple tree) decided she'd follow us. Then she was being overprotective (or stupid) and ran out into the road when a van was turning the corner and she was hit and killed. Father blamed both Joey and I and I had to go down the road with a bucket of water and a scrubber and clean her brains and various other insides off the road.

More depression. That was disgusting and horrible. We buried what was left of her under the apple tree, too. That seems to be a good spot for burying animals... I guess.

When I lived with my dad was when I got into Pow Wows and such... and I met my "aunt" Gloria who was a communist bastard and made me do chores at her house as well as my own. Then she'd beat the hell out of me if I did something wrong. I never liked her. The one time she pulled me by my hair from the livingroom to her kitchen just because I was being "slow" and it hurt so damn much. I had a migraine for two days after that.

Connie's one nephew also had this thing with trying to rape me... and his father kept telling me how gorgeous I was and how he wished I was older and... ugh... What the hell...? That damn nephew of Connie's just couldn't keep his hands off me so I tried as much as possible to hide behind his bigger brother who wasn't too bright and didn't know what his younger sibling was trying to do. I started to hate guys.

Then I moved back with my mom. Depression ensued because my mom is a twisted idiot with no sense of anything. My grandmother moved into the house next door after our nice nextdoorneighbors moved to Florida. All I remember from then was going to school and being angsty. I hated everyone and wanted to die because my mother was an idiot, my sister was an attetnion-grabbing whore, and some stupid boy kept playing with my hair. I wanted to shoot him. Then my mothers boyfriend Shawn decided he was going to be a pedophile and started sexually abusing me. At that time I didn't know what it was... all I knew was that Connie's nephew had done it to me before (it wasn't until a few years later and after I had ran onto the guidance counselors room in school and cracked and told her everything {I was crying too, and demanded to call my dad} that I found out what it was. Then I told the guidance counselor NOT to do anything about it but she did... and blahblahblah... children's services found out and mother accused me of lying and... blahblahblah...). I've been horrified of getting close to men since I was 10. The disliking of men started at around 6.

Then mother decided to send T and I to the Exeter schools and I met an old friend Amy and then got introduced to Angie and Vanessa. Vanessa was bulemic, I think, and the both of them were cutters. So I got into the whole anorexic and cutting thing... because it was a way to vent my frustrations with sexual abuse, the constant bitching of my mother and her throwing large things at me and telling me I was nothing, and all the other pointless stuff like my mother throwing all the knives at our house on my lap and daring me to cut myself and saying she didn't give a damn...

Then I moved back with my dad and Connie decided two females in the house just wasn't going to work out, so she was an even bigger bitch to me and one time she busted my door off the hinges and slammed me into my wall. That's why I have some back problems... and that's why there's a dent on the wall there. It all started because I found out she was talking about me behind my back and I said something about it and she must have heard it and she went all psycho-bitch on me.

So I moved with my aunt Tracie. She's like... the ultimate Christian buff. It was like... a sin for me to like the things I liked. When they put the news about Rosie Odonnel being a lesbian on the TV and I said that it wouldn't make me stop liking her Tracie got all evil on me, screamed, and chased me to my room. I swear she raised her hand to slap me. I just don't remember if she ever did... At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore because I was sick of coming after the god damned horses and I was sick of not being able to tell Jess she was my sister and I was sick of psycho-bitches so I moved back in with my mom. And yes, by that time I was highly depressed and cutting myself almost every day. And I was still horrified of men.

So I move back in with my mom who had apparently found a new lover (Daaaave) who lives in an old house and stuff so that's where she lived. She's still bitching about everything and being all tempermental and I'm still depressed and I hate the Daniel Boon school district because it sucks...

But I swear I'd do anything for that damned Tom. ;_;

And my fingers hurt... and I'm done now... I don't remember why I typed all this...

Sunday, June 1, 2003
08:33 a.m.
Brr.

Haven't updated in a few days

That's because nothing has happened. It's just been a dull weekend, that's all. But school is ending soon... Okaa-san wants to put me in summer school for a math credit because of that whole 9th grade thing (I still can't believe I failed with a 27. I would be DEAD if that happened)... And I also found out yesterday that we might be moving.

WTF. NO. If we move... it had better not be out of this school district or I'm going to do some serious screaming. I'm not saying it would be bad to move to Exeter (with Amy, Angie, Vanessa, and all of my other friends... and the infamous Tenchi look-a-like named Ross...) but I've already made a few really close friends here and leaving them would hurt. A lot.

I've been moving around all my life... for once I'd just like to stay in one place, you know?

u.u; Anyway, that's all for now. I have to work on my Hye Sung layout. It's... almost done... Gar...

Thursday, May 29, 2003
07:17 p.m.
:)

I'm trying to be happy. I really am.

Today was dull. Kind of. After homeroom I trotted unenthusiastically behind Tom and yes, I grabbed ahold of the handle of his bookbag. It's become a habit, so sue me. Even though I'm pissed off at him I seem to forgive him for everything without even thinking about it. It's oddly pathetic. I was going to bring up the whole letter thing (I'm under the impression that he hasn't read it. As usual.) but he was talking with his friend and I (being the kind, passive girl I am) decided to let the whole conversation be set aside for another day.

Study hall was rather boring. Then I had Traffic Safety. It was boring. We watched something on DUI. Um. Okay...? I wasn't paying much attention. Then I had a study hall for gym. It was freezing in the LGI so the whole time I was reading my book I was shivering like an eskimo in a bikini. :

Math was somewhat entertaining... Sean was teasing me about my being afraid of thunder. Matt was telling me I was too skinny... And wasserface asked me if I was still doing the modeling thing. I told her I wasn't.. frankly because I don't want to. Matt was all "You modeled?" and I said I used to and then he said that I was too skinny... and I said I just wasn't pretty enough anyway... and he insisted that it was because I was too skinny (therefore he was saying I was pretty... u.u;) and he said I should eat... I asked him if he wanted to bring food in for me and he said he would as long as I ate it...

If he brings me food I think he'll be my new best friend. :)

Lunch was... lunch. Okaa-san gave me a bill and so I decided that I'd get lunch for today and save the rest of the money for myself. But I needed change... Kestin also wanted an Autograph page thing so I bought he and myself one after I got lunch (so I had change, you know...?) and we signed each others thing and... then got dismissed for CSI.

There was a boring debate on sludge but I told the group it wasn't boring. :) Paul signed my Autograph page after he asked me to draw something on his. I drew a school girl... he signed my page with "Keep drawing sexy bitches. -Paul"... I found it oddly adorable.

Humanities was nothing special, we just took some notes. Art was okay... I finished my painting (I am NOT talented in that area of art, mind you. My paining looks like a bunch of colors thrown onto a canvas and left to dry. :)...)and we got things for new pencil drawings that will not be fun to draw. Tom's taking Art III next year, just like I am. And he was uber-cute today. I don't know why... it's just whenever I look at him I'm reminded of Hye Sung.

English was boring. We did a bunch of verb stuff... and then... other stuff. I was kind of not paying attention.

Then we got home. Um... and I found out we may not be going to the concert because Dave might have to go back down to Florida and his mom might need to be transported to her home by a helicopter that her insurance does not cover...

Basically, what that means is that... we might be broke in a few weeks... :) Oh, what joy.

Monday, May 26, 2003
05:15 p.m.
Gah.

Just got back home about... 15 minutes ago... Recap of the weekend...

Friday:
Skipped school... because I was permitted to. Didn't I already cover this...?

Saturday:
Packed my clothes and had a talk with okaa-san and Dave about the concert -- no VIP passes, but we're getting the 0 tickets because Dave had to go to Florida because his mom had a heart attack and may drop dead at any given point in time (Dave returns on Thursday, by the way). We left for Towanda around 11am... and okaa-san stopped to fill the truck up for gas. Then she couldn't start the truck back up and had to call Dave who came and told her she must have not pushed the lever thingy up enough and that's why it wouldn't start. So that delayed us about 30 minutes, we got to Beanbean's house at 4pm and T and I had to wait for pappa to pick us up and take us to the super cool (but relatively small) Pow Wow. When he came he spent a good 20 minutes talking to Beanbean, the Royster, uncle Jose, and aunt T. Then we left. The car ride to the Pow Wow was a good hour or so. But it was cool...
When we got there pappa introduced us to the important people like Grandmother Owl, Uncle Pete (the ONLY African American Native I've ever seen), Uncle Scott, Aunt Michelle, and lots of other people(most of whom I've already met, but they were new to T). Then I found out that T and I were also Choctaw. So we've got more Native blood than I thought. That's three tribes now. Then we ate dinner, listened to pappa drum with Uncle Pete and them (T and I have "status" because we're the daughters of a drummer, so we have a lot of responsibilities to uphold... Like... not getting into trouble because the younger kids look up to us and we'll make pappa look bad if we misbehave). They sang songs, too, and one of the younger kids danced in the circle. He was so cute. ^_^
T and I stayed up pretty late just hanging around the drums and looking at things... and setting our tent up. We went to bed around 12pm.

Sunday:
Woke up around 8am. Then I changed and washed my face and stuff and did... nothing really until it was time to eat breakfast. It was... Pankackes and eggs (eww... eggs...). Bwaha. Then I got out my drawing things so I had something to do during the day and pappa wandered over and saw three of my pictures (Miyavi, the kimono girl, and the faerie I'm working on for Charchar) and he stole them and showed them off to everyone. Everybody was amazed and kept complimenting me. Pappa told me to draw a Native girl, so I started her (which is why I don't have Charchar's faerie done yet).
Anyway, T and I had offered to volunteer so she was sent to the kitchen at 12 and I was sent to Gate 1 at 1pm to collect the fee for entering the Pow Wow ( per person, children 12 and under are free...). I spent a while watching the dancers and listening to the drums, though, and the two volunteers that ran Gate 1 before I did let me watch the Shawl dance so I didn't miss it. They didn't mind wating an extra 5 minutes or so. ^_^ But my partner never showed up, so I was all alone. ;_; But I had lots of time to work on my Native girl... This guy came up to see her and said "fascinating" and I asked why... and he told me that she looked exactly like the girl that he was going to use for the seal for the NAC (well, that's what I call it because I can't remember what he said it was...) and I had NEVER seen the seal at all so for him to say that was so odd.
Then they did the "Candy Dance" and a few guys went into the dancing circle and threw candy down on the ground, then they called all the little kids into the circle for the dance. It goes something like this...
When the drummers play the little kids have to dance... and when the music stops they get to stop dancing and pick up as much candy as they can but when the music starts again they have to dance... And it's SO funny to watch, especially if Uncle Pete and them are the ones drumming because Uncle Pete will stop drumming for like a second and then start up again... xD And so Uncle Brian (I'm pretty sure that's his name, I haven't seen him for more than a year so, yeah... I'm rusty) was all "Hurry up! Get the candy! GET THE CANDY!!" when they stopped the drumming. Once Uncle Pete started a conversation with him during one of the pauses in the song and then started right back up again without warning and those poor kids must have been soooo mad at him. It was cute.
Anyway, when I was released from duty at 4pm I went back over to the drums and sat down on the bench Bobbie had pulled into the shade just for me to draw... n.n and I finished my Native girl. I was lucky none of the dances were Mens Choice two-step because I didn't have any money to give a guy if he asked me to dance with him and I refused. Both of them were Womens Choice so I was like ":)" and stuff.
When I finished my Native girl pappa showed it off to everyone at the drums (there were three drums...) and then Uncle Scott BOUGHT her from me for . AS SOON AS HE SAW HER. He said she was so gorgeous and he loved her and it was ... so cool (everyone asked me about her... "Have you finished your picture?" the one guy sounded really upset when I told him that she had been sold... :(...). Pappa said that if I get a portfolio together he will take me to the Forksville Pow Wow (which is HUGE) and help me sell my pictures. He said this because everyone was AMAZED by my drawing ability and thought my pictures were gorgeous so I basically have a lot of potential buyers. So I have to work on lots of Native stuff until the 13th, 14th, and 15th next month when the Pow Wow is. Weee. It's going to be so much fun. T is going to go, too. ^_^
T and I got to Beanbeans around 8... and Uncle Robert, Uncle S, and Uncle Roberts son Jamie and everyone else was there having a BBQ and stuff. Jamie, Kerin, Aaron, little Jose, Mariah and I lit some firework stuff and then Uncle S got drunk and ran off into the woods at some ungodly hour of the night to play "hide and go seek"... It wasn't fun, but I was sleeping so I didn't care. XD

Monday:
Woke up around 8am. Packed my stuff up and goofed around for a little bit with my cousins. Aaron was up already and just lying on the air mattress like an idiot and annoying little Jose who was trying to sleep beside him. It was funny. Aaron kissed him on the hand and then gave me a kiss on the cheek. He's so cute... and I think he's... 13...? But he and I get along so well, we're like brother and sister (and he's a little... flamboyant {think a mixture of Ayame and Shigure from Furuba and you've got the idea} so he's kind of clingy sometimes. He likes to sit on my legs, too (not lap, legs, there's a difference o.O)...
Okaa-san said we were going to leave at 11am... which means 12... but we didn't leave until 1:11pm... and stuff... so yeah. Now I'm bored.

And this is enough. I'm sick of writing.

Friday, May 23, 2003
08:48 p.m.
Ahaha.

Today, despite the fact that I got a free day off from school (though it was a half day for everyone else), was rather boring and hideously drawn out. I didn't do anything but mope around like an idiot and act bored. Because, dammit, I was bored. If I had gone to school at least I would have had the chance to enlighten my day by wrapping my icy hands around Tom's neck and strangling him until he found some way to beg for mercy (i.e. found some way to prove he is, in fact, not an idiot and doesn't deserve to be castrated for his ridiculous actions).

Contrary to popular belief, I don't hate Tom (far from it, my dears. Too far from it). I don't wish death upon him or anyone close to him. I just wish he wasn't such an airhead sometimes. Granted, he's a guy and all guys tend to think with what's in their pants (even Gackt-sama...) but I do tend to lean towards the thought that he's too much of a prude to do that... thus making him one of the few guys that doesn't think with good 'ole junior. :) I congratulate him for that. Now all he has to do is work on the "how not to flip the 'bitch' switch on" when it comes to girls. Especially the ones that favor him. ^_^

Ah, Tom, perhaps I should write you a book, ne?

rofl. He probably thinks I'ma moody bitch right now. Maybe I am, but that really doesn't change the fact that he means a lot to me... u_u;

Regardless, I'm fucking freezing in this house. I was typing with gloves on up until about a minute ago (then I gave up trying to type with them on, growled, and threw my gloves onto the computer desk). Dave said about a month ago that we didn't need heat anymore. He is wrong. So very, very wrong. He has no idea how cold I am. My hands are turning purple. I've come to the conclusion that it's not a good thing. Because I'm cold. I have four blankets on my bed and I use them every night. Shouldn't that hint something?

The damned trailor for Ju-On (that I watched way earlier in the week and haven't watched it since) still creeps me the fuck out. I can't get the image of the little boy out of my head... so I'm continuing to sleep with the damned nightlight on. Fuck you all. :( I can't help I'm a pansy.

Thursday, May 22, 2003
03:16 p.m.
KLHDSFLK AJHS

TOM DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING READ THE LETTER.

Is it just me, or do guys REALLY not grasp certain concepts? USUALLY when a girl writes a letter to a guy she's not rambling on about how "super cool" her days was or how she can't wait for the movie [insert name here] to come out because it will be "so totally, like, awesome and [insert actors name here] is, like, SO hot!!!!!!!"... For me, anyway. When I write letters to guys it USUALLY means that I'm trying to get something off my chest that means A LOT TO ME. That stupid fucker. I hope he reads that letter (if he didn't fucking throw it away) and gets a reality check and feels so fucking stupid for the rest of his unimportant life. :D I'm SO sick of guys. :D I'm sick of them not knowing anything at all. I'm sick of them assuming. I sick of them not trying to understand how girls work. I'm sick of them being such FUCKING DICKHEADS.

Holy sweet Jesus, you'd think we'd have some decent guys in our area but NO. God fucking forbid that happens. :D The guys you think are decent turn out to be snobbish little morons who disregard everything because they think it's unimportant or something shitty like that.

WELL FUCK YOU ALL. YOU GOD DAMNED WALKING PENISES. I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. GO JACK OFF TO A PICTURE OF HILLARY DUFF OR SOMETHING. :( I'm sure she'll appreciate the attention you're giving her because, after all, it seems that's the only fucking reason why girls mean anything to boys anyway.

OHOHOHOHO. FUCK the concept of love. FUCK marriage. FUCK meaningful relationships. Most fucking boys (...and a number of girls) just want to get laid. Screw you all to hell. :( GO FUCK A FRUIT. NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT WHAT'S IN YOUR PANTS OR HOW YOU USE IT.

Oh my fucking God, I just don't get it. I wish there was an "off" switch for guys and their fucking antics. I'm sick of it. Holy Jesus. You fucking retards. Get a God damned clue.

There should be a book written called "GIRLS: FOR DUMMIES" and I think EVERY guy on the planet should be forced to read it. :)

Boys just obviously don't get it. They'll never get it. They were born not to get it. It's absolutely ridiculous. The respect for women in the United States of America sucks majorly... Guys suck. They should be castrated. Every single fucking one of them. Including Tom for breaking my already shattered heart.

To think I let myself fall for him after years of being scared to death of getting close to a boy because of past problems with sexual harrassment. OH MY GOD. I should have been smarter. :) The first guy I was willing to get close to after 7 years of not even wanting to be spoken about by a guy and look what happens... He finds a way to traumatize me again. NO WONDER WHY I'M BISEXUAL.

In other news. I still don't know whether or not we're going to that damn concert. I REALLY want to go but I'm seriously doubting it right now. And that's it. I'm too fucking pissed off to write anymore in here right now about anything but the stupidity of boys and their OBVIOUS lack of judgement.

I'm going to stop now before I kill something. :)

Wednesday, May 21, 2003
03:09 p.m.
...

Why must everything be so hard for me?

My whole day has be so incredibly horrible. Jen-chan wasn't in school today because of some stupid Fench thing. It's horrible that she wasn't around because I really could have used some of her smiles and "I still love you ^_^" things.

Something's wrong with La'Shana's paw, I noticed it yesterday when I was watching the second part to that Hitler movie... And Dave noticed it too, but he didn't feel the need to check to see if anything was wrong. So La'Shana spent the night with me and I helped her around in the morning.

I guess Tom didn't feel obligated to write me a response to the damn letter I wrote him. What a way to make me feel like I'm worthless. I don't know what to think because of it. I think I'm just overreacting. But it's a pity to think I wasted perfectly nice paper on him for nothing. I should slap him upside the head again for making me upset.

I've been hoping I could go to that concert in DC and I was hoping okaa-san would get us VIP passes but, apparently, 0 for a VIP pass is far too much money if the concert is down in DC. She said if it was in Philly it would be different because it would knock almost 0 off the price of going (for a hotel, I'm assuming). Even though my savings bonds could knock off around 0 I guess she just doesn't care. She's so stupid. She said this morning we'd probably just wait for ticketmaster to start selling the tickets (which I doubt they's sell the VIP tickets... and I doubt the tickets themselves be at any lower a price). What a way to fucking smash my dreams. She always does this. I know damn well those tickets ticketmaster is going to sell will suck horribly. Basically she was saying that we weren't going, because she doesn't want shitty seats if we go. She said if she spent all that damn money on VIP passes that it wouldn't be worth it. WTF. IS THERE SOMETHING SHE DOESN'T GET?! It would be MORE than worth it because I've NEVER seen VIP passes for that cheap a price and I have been WAITING to see these two for YEARS. She has no idea.

So now I'm crying after holding two or three weeks worth of tears in. I just can't take this anymore. I'm sick of this fucking roller-coaster ride. I'm sick of everything. I hate the way my life is.

Boku no kokoro ga miemasu ka...? Mou nido to hanasanai kara karappo no kono hako ni modoshite...

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
04:06 p.m.
HOLY CHEESE.

There is like NO FOOD in this freaking house. I swear. OMFG. There is NOTHING. Well, Shirley has food but we can't eat it. Only she and Donald can. :) But she uses everything of ours INCLUDING the stuff she needs in order to make her damn food. Well she's moving out soon enough anyway, so her and her stupid food can just go rot in hell because I dislike her. :(

We have no milk. I guess Dave and okaa-san used it all up for lunch or Nick's breakfast. Dave ate the oreos. I only had 4 damn oreos. He wont make the pizza that's in the freezer because when okaa-san gets home she's making some dead pig sausage stuff that I am not eating. There's no "normal" bread (i.e. the kind you normally use for sammiches) so I can't eat a sammich. There's no hot dogs (kind of a last resort thing... e.e I hate eating pig. wtfer?) or basically anything else. We have cereal and stuff... just, like I said before, no freaking milk.

Anyway, today was nice, I guess. We had an assembly third period (which was really second period but they switched the first four periods around because they're retards) and it was okay. The only thing good about it was the first skit put on by the German club (I think). I got squirted with water, too, when the DBYEA whateveritis was playing "It's Raining Men" or something and like two preppy idiots ran up and down the isle squirting water. e.e; What a bunch of idiots.

Sean has this thing with teasing me about spiders now, so today he brought a bunch of fake spiders and scared the hell out of me with them. Constantly. I wanted to shoot him. And then he apparently gave some to Tom in art class and afterwards he decided to throw them at me. Wtf. So I slapped him (Tom) upside the head (though I kind of wanted to pull his hair out, too, it's absolutely rediculous to scare me with spider things like that). I hope it hurt, but I doubt it did.

Um. So, yeah, I wrote Tom a letter (I bet he threw it away, I will be absolutely amazed if I get a response from him). It just says some stuff. It's not really all that important, but whatever. I figured I'd try to get answers to some of my questions. Or something. It's pretty stupid, I know, but it was a last resort thing.

Okaa-san didn't look for my savings bond, apparently, so I'm guessing it took her 8 hours to wash a car and truck. :) I'll probably have to look for it on my own because I can't really count on her for anything unless I'm willing to beg for like... forever.

She's also pissed at me because I'm not going to get my senior pictures taken tonight. She can go run into a wall a few times because I just don't care what she thinks anymore. She frustrates me. I hate how she deals with T and I...

I talked to pappa yesterday, he's going to send me the savings bond I had up there... he said it's probably worth twice what it was when I got it (it was worth ) so yeah, whatever. Turns out he'll be up by Aunt Beanies house this weekend and we will too cause okaa-san always goes up to Beanbean's house for holidays and stuff. This weekend pappa is going to a Powwow so he's picking T and I up at Beanbean's house and taking the two of us up there. It will be T's first Powwow. ^_^ So I'm excited for her.

But I really want VIP tickets to that damn concert in DC or I think I'm going to draw mean things all over my walls because okaa-san said the person she talked to said almost all the other seats you get for the other tickets suck. Majorly.

Right now I think all I can do is pray. u.u;

Monday, May 19, 2003
06:44 p.m.
Gah.

I was reading some pretty freaking weird shit on the Somethingawful.com forums... It was something about Ghosts/Paranormal things. I was reading it yesterday night, too, which resulted in me sleeping with a fucking nightlight on all night (that's what watching The Exorcist at like... the age of 5 will do to you. I've been scared of the dark since I've seen that damned movie). I figured I'd read more stuff right after I got home from school today, so I did... and I watched a trailor for the Japanese movie Ju-On which is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life (besides that damned movie -.-;). I will seriously have nightmares of that little kid. I get the chills just thinking about it.

Which reminds me, I don't like mirrors, either. When I'm alone. I hate looking into them because I'm afraid I'll see something, turn around and it wont be there. I also don't like basements or houses that are older than 100 years (hahaha.... -.-; My house is how old again?). I don't like stairs with no backs, either, I mean I fucking fly up those damn things because I'm scared someone (or thing) will grab my ankles and pull me down to my rather horrifying doom of sorts. It's pretty pathetic, but I blame everything on that damned movie.

People have no damn idea how afraid of the dark I am. I will not walk down a hallway or walk into a room if there aren't any lights on. Fuck the walking, I skip right to the damn sprinting. Either that or I make someone go ahead of me or I stand there like an idiot.

So that damn Ju-On movie that just cost me tonights peaceful sleep can just rot in hell... =( I swear to god... Oh sweet Jesus... that scared the hell out of me...

Regardless (and on slightly less paranormal/stupid phobia things), okaa-san called the number for that place today and got lots of information. We're currently debating over what tickets to get (it will cost about 0 for the trip all together, but I'm trying to convince her that it is worth it... It's kind of working)... So I'm happy about that. ^_^

I'm going to go read some more freaking paranormal shit now.

Sunday, May 18, 2003
04:59 p.m.
...

I hate my mom. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I could say ANYTHING and she wouldn't care. In fact, not only would she not care, but neither would anyone else I said anything to. She's so damn stupid. I'm sorry, but she is. I hate her. I'm sick of saying something only to have her change the damn subject when what I'm talking about needs to be talked about.

People wonder why I have such a fucked up personality. It's because I have no one to talk to about all of my problems. No even my mother. I don't even have a friend that close. And to be quite frank, Jen-chan wouldn't know half the things about me that she does without reading my journal. I either write about my fucked up life in this fucked up journal or I keep it all bottled up inside like I used to and pray to God it doesn't fuck up my life anymore than everything else already has.

I don't care anymore. She can burn in hell for all of eternity. Doesn't she have anything better to do?

Fuck the concert, my "friends", my family, and everyone else I know. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want anyting to do with any of them. They don't care about me or what I think or have to say. They don't give a fuck. Half my family can't even remember my fucking name. They don't make anything better, they make it worse. I don't know what to do anymore. It's stupid. I'm so pathetic.

I thought I'd be able to feel a whole lot better if I had going to this concert to look forward to and getting a great burden off my chest. I thought she'd understand that. I didn't think she'd be such a bitch, snap because of something stupid that I didn't even do, and then decide that there wasn't any possible way we were going to the concert because she wasn't going to bother trying to get us tickets again. Well fuck her. I can't ever do what I want to do. I guess it was too hard to try to get me a damn ticket, wasn't it? Oh, but it couldn't be just for you and I, could it, okaa-san? no, it has to be for everyone. Dave, Nick, and T... they'd have to go too, wouldn't they?

This was important to me. Not to them. Not to T. I don't care how much she drools all over Fany. It's not important to her like it is to me. I have a reason to go, and it's not just because I want to. It's because I owe those two so damn much for all they've done for me. And maybe I want to get away from everyone for a day or two. I need to get away from this stress. I'm sick of this place.

I guess that doesn't matter to her. She likes seeing me mad. She likes me depressed and locked up in my room. God forbid I want to do anything. In fact, I can't remember the last time I was able to do something for myself. I guess that doesn't matter. I guess I just don't count. I might as well be dead.

So fuck everyone. I don't want to deal with anything right now. I'm sick of all the lies. I'm sick of everything. So I think I'm going to blast some Fly to the Sky music and go off into my own little fucked up world. I'm so depressed right now it isn't even funny.

I have some major problems. I just wish I could do what I needed to do in order to solve them... but apparently it's against the rules.

Saturday, May 17, 2003
07:32 p.m.
Wee.

Mommom took me to the mall. We were originally just going to go window shopping (because I just really needed to get out of the house) but Mommom bought me three poofy shower puff thingies and a french vanilla candle (the poofy shower puff things and candle came to a grand total of.. .19. Keep that number in mind) and then we walked around for a few more hours. There was this one guy I seriously wanted to kill... He was there for some photography company and he kept pestering Mommom and I to get our pictures taken and he kept asking questions. He asked me how old I was and asked if I had a boyfriend and I was like "...-.-;" so after we managed to get away from him we walked on the opposite side of the mall when we got close to him. Then Mommom and I went to Walden Book and she ordered Elvenblood for me. ^_^

Anyway, then we got something to eat... and we somehow ended up talking about my mother and father and, of course, because we were on the subject of relationships, Tom. I don't know how he popped up, but he did. I think my grandmother (like everyone else in this house) now thinks I'm in love with the boy. Who knows? Maybe I am, I know for damn sure that's it's not infatuation or anything of the sort. And no, it wasn't a "I love him soooo much, he's just sooooooo cute and PERFECT!!" kind of thing, it was more me thinking about things. Out loud. But I'm kind of glad... because I said how I've never really liked anyone as much as I like him which is scary because I've known him for less than a year. She said that things like that happen... You may not be looking for it or expecting it and it just decides to pop up. I dunno. It's just weird, I guess...

Because I don't think we'll ever be more than friends... and he knows I like him... There have been more than a few hints (and I've been pretty blunt about it, too) but he just isn't acknowledging it. Maybe he doesn't like me... or maybe it's that whole thing with most Asian parents wanting their kids to find Asian lovers, you know? I don't know what it is. Maybe it's both of those things... But still, he can't tell me? Is it so hard?

He's all I think about anymore, really. Well, he's on my mind a lot... Maybe I do like him a lot. Maybe it's even past that stage. They say you're in love when you can't stop thinking about someone and you'd do anything for them... you'd give up anything in order to make them happy. That's what it's like for me with Tom. ...And I don't know why. It pisses me off...

T was pissed. She didn't go to the mall with us so when we got home and she saw I had a bag in my hand she got all bitchy and said "what did you get?" and I showed her and she said "that's not fair!" and blahblahblah. Like I care. She didn't go. She doesn't have a right to bitch. It was her choice.

Gah. Okaa-san was teasing me today about the tickets. She had a coat on and I asked her where she was going and she said "Washington because I bought a ticket for myself" and all this other stuff and it pissed me off. But it means she probably got tickets... I'm hoping that's what it is, though.

Apparently, Jen-chan's in the same situation I was in before (with the whole being in a relationship and falling for someone else thing) and she thinks I'll hate her now and all of this stuff... when I won't and never will. She's a good friend... I think this is something almost all teenagers go through (except with most it's just an infatuation thing) and yeah, it's hard... and yeah, the outcome might not be so great... but... there's really nothing any of us can do about it...

I'm cold. Maybe I'll close the window... but I like hearing the birds sing.

Saturday, May 17, 2003
10:37 a.m.
Rawr.

I woke up this morning. Early. Like I normally do, and then I watched Harry Potter (the first movie) with Mommom because she's never seen it (or any of The Lord of the Rings movies...). I ate ice cream, too, because sometimes that helps the little headaches I get when it rains. Sometimes even my sinus pills don't help in preventing them, they just lower the severity. Which is okay.

Yesterday night I found out that Mommom had talked to okaa-san (or she did after dinner). I was all pissed off at okaa-san for the concert thing so I ate just a little bit of sketti with no sauce and I didn't use a fork, either. I picked up the noodles one by one, folded them, and ate them that way (and I was done eating before everyone else. wtf?) and I just stared at my plate and didn't say a word or take anything offered to me. Then okaa-san looked at me and said "what's your problem?" and I sneered and left the table and came upstairs to drown in self pity. Or something.

I guess that's when Mommom told her things because about 30 minutes later Mommom came up and said that okaa-san was looking at the concert site (T had come in and asked me for the site so I guess that's how okaa-san got the link) and then she told me that she had talked to her about it. I asked her what she said and she said she didn't tell okaa-san everything I told her but she did tell her things and she said that she told her it was very important to me. So I guess that hit okaa-san pretty hard. But still, the tickets are selling fast.

I have my Hye Sung layout idea stuff done (and the pictures made) but I'm not sure when I'm going to put it up. Probably after the 28th of next month. I was going to put it up today, but I'm in a Fly to the Sky mood right now... And I need to get out of this house so my little headache goes away. But Jen is going to be busy like.. almost all day and I dunno anyone else who'd go with me anywhere (besides Jenna, but I'm not calling her. I don't call anyone. xD)

So, yeah, I'll update later... I need to work some more magic on okaa-san and hint that the tickets for that concert are selling pretty fast. I have a feeling that if she's going to get tickets she'll get them faster if I'm out of the house so she can surprise me... Just because that's the way she is.

Friday, May 16, 2003
04:37 p.m.
e_e

I stayed up until 11pm yesterday night trying to watch the lunar eclipse. Dammit, I hate clouds... but I got a few pictures of the moon before it happened. e.e Then I had to try and sleep on my back with this damn holter monitor or whatever it is. I managed. But it was annoying.

Going to school today was pointless... because in the morning the seniors had their breakfast and the lot of the juniors left for Hershey Park (Haha, I bet they had fun). So the majority of my classes were study halls (I only had two actual classes today -- Humanities and Art). Actually, for third period I had a study hall with Tom. Not like that's anything special. It's not like I sat with him or anything... Because I've just about given up on him. I know, I know... Blah. I haven't given up entirely, I'm just not... willing to put up with this sort of thing. Eh, if he likes me (which I doubt he does) then he will find a way to tell me. And that's that.

I started another faerie picture.. this time it's for Charchar (but not for the reasons I made a faerie picure for Tom). She's cute.

Um. Yeah. After math class I got to finally take the holter monitor off so I went down to the nurses and took it off in the bathroom there. It hurt because of all that damn tape and te sticky pads were really sticking (I still have red marks from them and I've had the stupid things off for five hours now). ROFL. I walked out of the bathroom and one of the guys waiting for the nurse said "You know, there shouldn't be a lock for that door" and then he sort of stared at me as I left. Wtfer?

There were like... three people (including me) in my English class. So I just drew. It was... fun, I guess.

Mommom didn't talk to mom about the concert. I think I might have to take matters into my own hands. I have less than two months to get tickets that are selling pretty damn fast.

...

I should just give up. But I'm too determined to.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
07:06 p.m.
-.-

Too many updates today... but I don't have anywhere else to really go, you know?

I went downstairs TWICE to ask whether or not I could go to that concert and both times she was on the phone... So I gave up and went into T's room to get some of my stuff and I just started crying because Mommom said how I looked upset and she told me to tell her everything... So I did... I told her why I really needed to go to this damn concert... and she understood completely and said that going there was something I really did need and she said she'd talk to okaa-san about it when they are alone because it's something that I need, not her, Dave, T, and Nick. Me. It's something I need to get off my chest... something that I only need okaa-san's help with.

...So then she made me some tea... and brought it to me...

And I've got a headache from crying...

...But how much longer until there's no tickets left...? Will Mommom even get okaa-san to see where I'm coming from...?

Thursday, May 15, 2003
06:26 p.m.
...

"Centennial Korean-American Peace Fesitval
place: RFK Stadium
date: June 28
time: festival at 1 pm and concert at 7 pm
singers:

Shinhwa
FlytotheSky
NRG
BoA
KimGunMo
BabyVox
ParkJinYoung
Patty Kim
Seven
Cool
JoSungMo
LeeSunHee
JoYoungNam
SuhOnDo
"

Stolen from - Shinhwa Sarang

... ._.;

I think I'm going to cry.

I'd do anything to go. ._.

Eh. Okaa-san is spending another 0 or so on T for her Vo-tech school next year since she's taking Culinary Art classes. T... gets what she wants... again... No matter how much I beg...

Why am I crying? It's just a stupid concert. I don't need to go to a stupid concert. Not even if Fly to the Sky is there. I might want to go, but I don't need to. I don't need anything... I shouldn't be crying... It's pointless. Crying doesn't get me anywhere. Neither does begging and wishing.

This stupid halter monitor is pissing me off. It's pulling and digging into my skin (the knot is, anyway) and the tape is irritating everything. I can't stand it. Sometimes it hurts to move because the tape pulls... I hate this. It's stupid. My life sucks. I hate it. I hate being so emotional but giving the appearance of a rather unemotional, self-centered girl who hates everyone. I'm sick of wanting things I can't have. I'm sick of liking people. I'm sick of being sick all the time. I'm sick of Migraines. I'm sick of being cold EVERY DAY, even when it's 90+ degrees. I'm sick of feeling like cutting myself every night, even though I don't actually pick up the knife anymore. I'm sick of having no life. I'm sick of being so low on everyone's list. I'm sick of people.

...I'm sick of wanting to go to this concert I know I'll probably never have the chance to go to. I'm sick of wanting to just see them in person. I'm sick of feeling the need to thank them. It will never happen. Nothing will ever happen.

I'll never move to Japan and visit Korea. I'll never go to a Gackt or Miyavi concert. I'll never even go to a Fly to the Sky concert when they're a few hours away. I'll never make money off my drawings, even though I know I could. I'll never have good health. I'll never have friends who are always there for me and never let me down. I'll never have someone who I can depend on to be there when I need them.

I'll always be this stupid little girl waiting for the perfect romance and a faerie-tale ending that will never happen. The little modern-day Cinderella... with no faerie-godmother.

I should just give up.

Thursday, May 15, 2003
12:06 p.m.
e_e

No school for me today. I had to go to the hospital to get two tests done. It was annoying... the first test the doctor had to look at my heart and stuff which meant I had to take everything from the waist up off and put on this thing that tied in the front and I was sooooo nervous. I hate things like that. She then put the sticky-things on me that actually enabled her to see my heart and stuff... and then put this jelly on this thing... And... It was like an untrasound, you know? But it wasn't that bad, partially because the doctor was the only other person there behind the curtain and we talked about chex mix (we both do the same thing! We take the pretzels out and leave the rest. xD) and my thing with Asian music. She was nice. I liked her. She gave me a lollipop and a pencil. ^_^ I was like "Yay"...

The second thing... Ugh... I have to wear it for 24 hours. No shower, no bath -- because it's electrical. I can sponge bathe and find some ingenious way to wash my hair, but that's it. And it's not like this thing is small, either. I mean, well it is small, but it's annoying. And there's too many wires. It pisses me off.

Anyway, on the way to the hospital I told okaa-san about the Korean concert thing in DC and said how it was rumored that Fly to the Sky had scheduled their appearance there (even if they aren't there, I still REALLY want to go), and I told her how cheap the tickets were and such... and she was actually considering it. Seriously -- because she likes Fly to the Sky... She had a hard time saying "no" and she never really did say it, she just kind of trailed off as she brought up her wedding and T's birthday party and how much they were going to cost (nothing about my health and how much all these tests are going to cost, eh, okaa-san?). The conversation picked back up on the way home and she sort of shot everything into the ground because she said it would "cost so much money for four VIP passes" and that because of T and I being "Korean-hungry" if she got just us two VIP passes, T and I would never leave. It's not THAT much money. For VIP passes to ANY OTHER CONCERT it would cost hundreds more. She said something about the distance... and said that if it were in Philadelphia we could go, but it isn't... Then I retorted with something about her sending T off to Virginia (BY HERSELF) and how much that cost. Not only that, but T is also getting Bagpipe lessons... and okaa-san keeps buying more Bagpipe-ish things for her. And they aren't cheap. The least she could do is get a few tickets to that concert in DC. Even the slightest chance to see Fly to the Sky is worth going because so many of the other bands I like are going to be there, too. Okaa-san knows how much I want to go to this concert because of that...

She said if I really wanted to go, I should find a way to contact Brian and tell him how much of a fan I am and beg for VIP passes. I'm not like that. If she's too cheap to buy really cheap VIP passes it doesn't mean I'm going to stoop down to her level. And it's pathetic because Mommom agreed with her.

I can't take this. It's stupid. I have to beg for what I want and all T has to do is open her mouth and start asking and she gets what she wants. I have been waiting for YEARS to have even the SLIGHTEST CHANCE of meeting Brian and Fany and finally something came up... and she took everything and smashed it.

What is it with her? Why does she always do this to me? Aren't I worth it? Isn't all this medical crap I'm going through worth something like that? Isn't the ONE CHANCE I have to meet two people who made such a big impact on my life worth that? What doesn't she get? Doesn't she understand anything? All she sees is herself, Dave, the dogs, T, and my DRAWINGS. That's it.

It's always about my drawings. Not me, but my drawings. She said the only way she'd take me to Morimoto-san's restaraunt in Philly is if I draw a picture of him, frame it, and then we take it up and give it to him. She got pissed off because I got mad at her and ripped my sketches up into little pieces and she took my computer away for like... a week. And they were SKETCHES and things I hated and was never going to finish. She keeps ALL of the pictures I draw. If she finds out I threw one away or, GOD FORBID, I gave one away... she gets pissed off and punishes me...

But a few years ago when I basically let the fact that I cut myself (which I haven't done for two or so months now. Yay me.) slip out of my mouth, what did she do? She took all the knives we had in the house, threw them on my lap, and said if I wanted to cut myself that she didn't care. She dared me to do it. And whe I needed her with the whole thing about Shawn sexually abusing me she accused me of lying and saying everything to get attention. I wouldn't lie about something like that. She only wants me to live with her because she's getting support from dad WHO REALLY NEEDS TO KEEP HIS MONEY. He and Connie are having enough money problems right now and okaa-san keeps going back for MORE money. I can understand that we need the money too, and that we have a lot of mouths to feed and our 260+ year old house is falling apart and she doesn't have a job right now and Dave is almost never home, but that doesn't give her the right to get as much money off dad as she can when he's having big problems, too.

It makes me wonder what she really thinks of me. I'm just a toy in her little game. A pawn on a chess board. She's always trying to smash my dreams (except those that involve art) and make me feel like I'm insignificant. She tries to make me think everything I like is stupid and wrong and unimportant. She's not interested in me. She's not interested in my health (she's only making me do these tests because I complained about it too much and the nurse TOLD her to take me to the hospital and find out what was wrong with me). She doesn't try to connect with me on ANY level. It's stupid.

All I want... is a damn VIP pass -- or even just a plain old and ordinary TICKET -- to that concert in DC.

Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, May 14, 2003
07:25 p.m.
*-*

I just watched that Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron movie... and I cried SO MUCH. I was like... just... ugh... xD I dunno but that damn movie made me cry. Not only that, but I have this "thing" for Native American boys... (and my family can't really get pissed off at me because I'm Shawnee and Siksika {also known as the "Blackfoot/Blackfeet", though they do not have black feet as one might guess... they got that name from... Dammit, I'm not your teacher, do the research yourself!}... My grandmother {on my mothers side} was full Siksika... :D and my dads dad was part Shawnee. Yay for me!). But, yeah, so, I was all "*-*" during the movie.

Which reminds me... now that I don't live with Dad anymore, I don't go to Pow Wows. At all. And it's not because I don't want to go, it's that okaa-san wont take me to one. u.u; And I need to find my Native American tape thingy with those gorgeous songs...

Wednesday, May 14, 2003
03:16 p.m.
^_^

Before I get started...

I WANT TO GO!!!

I'm sure okaa-san wouldn't mind buying me a ticket or something, they aren't too expensive... I'm sure it would be uber-fun... and I REALLY want to go. The only concert thingy I've EVER been to in my ENTIRE life was a (ugh...) Spice Girls concert. u.u It sucked. They looked like dancing Barbie Dolls. Gee, and this was WAY back in like... '95 or something. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO TO THIS KOREAN THINGERMAJIG. ;-;

Anyway, school was okay today... I added a few finishing touches to Tom's pretty picture and stuff. The damn picture's too big for any of the frames we have here... so it's up to Tom (oi...) to get a PRETTY GREEN FRAME for it. Ahahaha. I bet he just threw the damn picture away. ;-;

Omigod. First period was so dull. I hate study halls when I have nothing to do. And then I had another study hall. Pfft. OMFG. Stupid study halls.

Then I had health. Um. And we talked about sex. Because that's generally what you do during the sex-ed section of health, you know. o_O It was boring. And I didn't pay attention. He had something written on the board about prositution. And I'm not a prostitute and I don't visit them, so I really don't need to know anything.

Yeah.. and then like... stuff. Oh, I showed Tom the pretty picture. Yep. And then Sean was trying to hit me with the thinger in math class. ;-; And Matt (wiff the pretty blue eyes... the one that sits... eh... behind... a girl. o_O;... And I'm not talking about Sean's friend, either. Why are all the guys named "Matt"...?) was telling me how I should eat more because if I didn't then I could die and he was saying how he was going to bring in cookies tomorrow cause he asked if I liked them and I said I did... (and he asked me if I liked a bunch of other foods, too... and most of them I said "no" to. Why was he asking me? It was like he cared that I have a problem. e.e Wtf.) He also has this thing with tugging on my sleeve to get my attention and when he has questions about things he asks me when he KNOWS I'm stupid when it comes to math. e.e; He can't stand wasserface cause he thinks she's ugly. o_O; He doesn't like even looking at "ugly" girls. I guess because of all the attention he gives me he must think I'm pretty. o_O; That's... kind of scary. Jen-chan thinks I'm pretty,too, and Jenna, Danny, Brandon, Miro-kun, and this random guy at the mall who said I had "natural beauty" and stuff. o_O; I dunno what Tom thinks. o_O;;;

Anyway, and then I got to hit Sean a couple of times after math class (Mrs. Young loves how he, Matt, and the other Matt always bug me and I'm left turning every five seconds to see what the hell they all want... and then I get frustrated and get all "WHAT?!" and she just starts giggling. o.o;). It was fun.

Lunch was ... dull. Kestin's one friend (who really DOES look like a dinosaur... but a cute little baby one o.O;) likes looking at me. o_O; Wtfer. I feel so violated all of a sudden. dsh saflajdsf Anyway, it was pretty eventless.

Contemporary Science Issues was okay, I had to make up a test I couldn't take yesterday so I had to go to wasserface's room with wassisface (I can't think of his name, but he had to make up the test, too) and I got to sit behind a pretty bishounen. ^_^ And then when I got back to class there was a Dr. Seuss (or however you spell his name) movie on. About... something I can't spell. And a Onceler... o_O; Greg kind of did the flirty thing again.

Humanities was boring.

Art was okay. It was a little amusing, but now I'm SERIOUSLY considering dying my hair platinum like Miyavi's hair was in the "Girls, Be Ambitious" video that EVERYONE SHOULD SEE... because I'm really starting to hate the color red... and everyone who knows me knows that red is the color of my hair. o_O Duuuuuh.

I gave the picture to Tom at the end of class. Wassisface wanted to make a comment about something like he did before in study hall on Friday... um. Whatever. Tom was just like "o.o" the whole time until wassisface chimed in with absurd comments... and then he sort of smiled and laughed. WTFER. He could have smiled when I gave him the stupid picture I spent so much of my time on. ;-; But NO. All I get is "o.o"

;-;...

English was fun. There were presentations today. =D I don't think anyone else has gotten 100% yet. I'm not sure, though... But whatever. Kestler's presentation was funny... and wassisface's, too... Blah.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 10... which means I probably wont be in school. Which means if Matt is planning on bringing me cookies he'll just have to wait. =) But I did want to talk to Tom tomorrow... =

Fuck. o________o

I really hope he didn't look on the back of that picture. >>;;

Tuesday, May 13, 2003
08:24 p.m.
OMFG. ;-;

OH MY GOD. DJF BLSDBF KJBGL SOMEONE IS SELLING TICKETS TO GACKT'S CONCERT IN FUKUOKA, JAPAN FOR THE 25TH AND I WANT TO FREAKING GO BUT I'LL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO EVER.

ONE DAY I SWEAR I am going to go to a Gackt concert and DAMMIT, I'm going to take a poster that says "I'VE WAITED 16 YEARS FOR THIS, GACKT-SAMA!! AISHI'TERU YO!!" ;____;I'm going to be so depressed for a while... ;-;... I wanna cry...

Tuesday, May 13, 2003
07:43 p.m.


Okay, so, like... about two hours ago I went downstairs to get food... Okaa-san and Dave attempted making Chinese food but... um... they didn't make the rice taste like Chinese rice and that's the only way I can eat rice... o_O; But, um, yeah, so I didn't eat anything but OMIGOD. I went to Giants with them (I just got back. ^_^) and the one guy at the meat section place thing reminded me of my friend Richard who lives in Reading (I haven't talked to him in almost two years. Pathetic, ne? And he never showed up for my birthday party... Maybe he got lost like Danny did. Of course, Danny is convinced my house doesn't exist. xD) -- he even freaking looked and sounded like him. Wtfer. It was sooo scary. Anyway... this little kid got mad at me cause I said if I had enough money I'd buy all the lobsters in the cage/tank thingy and set them free in the ocean. He kind of looked at me and then made and angry face and was all "But I wanna eat them!!!"

o_O; He was so cute.

Anyway (I type that a lot, don't I?), so we (read: okaa-san) kept bugging the Richard look-a-like for more (omigod. I can't spell for my life. Do you know how many times it took me to spell "more" right? XD) meat stuff (it was so cute) and then I turned my head and I SWEAR if I had been a cartoon character, my jaw would have dropped to the floor. And then some.

Not too far from where I was standing was one of the most gorgeous boys I've ever seen in my entire life. He was so... Ugh... I dunno. Adorable. He was just... You'd expect him to be in like.. Dir en Grey or something like that. I wanted to melt. ROFL. He was wearing a white hoodie. xD He reminded me somewhat of Tom (which didn't help the bishounen-meter. -.-;...) and my mom saw and was like "Girl, you better just turn your head and look away..." XDXD

BUT, contrary to popular belief, on a side note, I do NOT like Tom because he's Asian. Sure, I get a little faint whenever I see one but that's because I can't help it... ;-; I'm so used to swooning over pretty bishounen that it's kind of a reflex. ;-; Set me in China Town and I get all googly eyed. I can't help it... but just because I swoon all over a bishie it doesn't mean I like him. I'm not like those girls who are all "OH. MY. GOD. He is SO HOT." and then "fall in love"... wtf. That is like... so funny. Anyway, I have to get to know the person (why am I typing all this? Hello? Does it matter? Any of my friends should know how I am when it comes to bishies and the guy {yes, there's only one!} I like) first before I really start to like them. OKAY. ANYWAY. Back to my point... This guy... was sooooooo kawaii!! I wanted to pinch his cheeks and give him a bishounen award. ^___^!!!

Anyway, so I was like "Kawaii!!" and then this one guy wouldn't stop staring at me (wtf is it with guys and staring at me? Do I have "EASY" tattooed on my forehead? I doubt it. e.e) I kind of wanted to throw a starfruit at him. xD

Durr. So... yea.. whatever. It was fun, I guess... but... that was a little adventure for me. ^_^ Yaaaay. I saw an extra bishie today (I see Tom almost every day and yes, my dear, dear friends, Tom is a bishounen)!!! I am so lucky! xD

Tuesday, May 13, 2003
03:28 p.m.


GAH. IT'S NOT FAIR. IT'S NOT RIGHT.

I wanted to finih that damn picture by 10th period today so I could give it to Tom. -.- Wtfer. I spent all day yesterday working on it, and put more than 12 hours in it. HE HAD BETTER LIKE IT. If he doesn't... then... then I'll cry. Seriously. Because I put all this damn work into it. Ugh. That was the hardest thing to draw EVER. I finally got it finished, though, at the end of English class... but it still pissed me off that I couldn't give it to him when I WANTED to. sd fasdf asdfad dsfasdf asd!!! It's not fair.

Anyway, I sat with Kestin and a few of his friends today at lunch (apparently one of them likes me, too. o_O; Scareh.). Cause of stuff. Anyway. We all had good chats concerning Mana and other "drags" as his friends called them. rofl. And then they got into Kestin's eyeliner - they apparently think that guys wearing that stuff is "wrong" (they also think bi girls are sexy -- but bi guys are wrong. I wasn't surprised to find out that they think with what's in their pants, too... e.e) but I said I thought it was sexy and made the eyes stand out. The just looked at me weird. OMIGOD. WTF. That is sexy. ;-; The eyes are the first thing I notice about someone (Omigod.. Tom's eyes are prettyful... ^_^) so, yeah, wtf. If eyeliner makes the eyes stand out then.. woo. Yay. More for me. ^_^!!

Humanities (e.e... I feel like I'm such a dork... seriously, I can't believe they made me take that class) was okay. I worked on the picture a lot in that class... xD And then Wass'isface (I dunno his name o.o;) kept staring at me at the end of class. Omigod. He was looking RIGHT INTO MY EYES. Wtf. NEVER do that unless you want me to feel like melting. XD The only thing I can do in that sort of situation is stare right back. I don't mind it though, he's pretty cool. And he has pretty eyes. ^_^ Wai. Such a pretty color. Anyway, he looks at me a lot during class. o_O; Wtfer. Eh. Oh well.

Um, going back to the class before Humanities... in Contemporary Science Issues, I think Greg unconciously flirts with me ALL THE TIME. That's all he ever does. You know hoe they say when I guy is flirting with you he'll talk about stupid things and bring them to your attention and blahblahblah... Well he does that to me. All the time. And half the time I'm stuck thinking "Okay.. what the hell?" Like today he was explaining how he had a detention after school tomorrow and stuff... o_O; And he wouldn't shut up about how if he'd skip then they'd give him two detentions and... ugh. Wtf. I wasn't listening to half of what he said. If that's flirting then I wish Tom would do that stuff. ;-;

Anyway... Hm... Yeah, so I was pretty pissed by time Art class came around (and I lost the urge to melt. e.e;...) because I didn't have that god damned picture done. Wtf. And why, throughout the course of the day, was everyone trying to TOUCH it?! Don't they know that pencil SMEARS? WTFER. Omigod. I wanted to shoot everyone. ROFL. Maybe I'll put the picture in a frame tomorrow so I don't have to worry about it somehow getting smeared (behold the abnormality of the things in Tom's bookbag. Actually, it's a mess. o.o; Well, what I saw of it. XD). Anyway... and I had to paint an apple. Wtf. I now hate apples. They are stupid and dumb and I HATE PAINTING THEM AND THEY AREN'T CUTE LIKE TOM. Sometimes he reminds me of a teddy bear. But if I were painting a teddy bear not only would I hate the teddy bear but I'd also hate Tom for reminding me of one sometimes. o_O Okay. I just got WAY off track.

I'm starting to hate green, too. I mean, green is one of my favorite colors but um... there's too much of it right now. Everywhere. I mean, in the mornings it's beautiful... and in the afternoon when I look outside it's okay... but by time I'm out of school I just feel like I had the power to change the color of all the leaves and stuff. It just gets dull after a while. But it's still pretty. Like my eyes. MY EYES ARE SEXY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Um. I had a headache today because of the rain. Because I always get sick when it's going to rain or there's just a lot of water in the air. I hate it. Anyway, I came home and ate like 3 bowls of cereal and now my headache is gone. I dunno why. o_O;

Dammit. I wanted to give that picture to Tom today. GAH. I hate this. ;-; I bet he hates me. I bet he thinks I'm an ugly little idiot who likes people she shouldn't like. ;-; Yesterday Mommom was telling me how liking someone from another race was "against God's will" or something like that (and I was thinking... like "Omigod. Does she know about Tom?!") and I said that I doubt liking someone from another race will make you go to hell. e.e Holy G is for Jesus, if that will make you go to hell then, well, gee, I think I've already reserved a seat down there with ole Satan. u.u; If it's that bad then I don't think God is the kind of god we thought he was. Besides, is it so bad to look past the ethnicity of someone and see their personality...?

Anyway, today in the mail I (well, my mom. xD) got something from Mrs. Cook about my oral book presentation... it said something like "Alicia's oral book presentation was perfect! In fact, it was mesmerizing! She was well prepared and I enjoyed her presentation" or something like that. I felt special. And l<3ved. I was like "Yeaaaah. I'm so cool."

I'm done now. o.o

Sunday, May 11, 2003
05:58 p.m.
Hyperness...

I'm sick. I know I am... I know as soon as this medicine wears off I'll be in a lot of pain again... but I really don't care because right now I just have all this damn energy... and nothing to do with it.

Anyway, I put some quiz results in here. I'm not telling you where they are -- it's pretty obvious. If you're smart then you'll figure it out. Hell, if you're dumb you can still figure it out. But, anyway, I'll be adding some quiz results randomly. You know... because I'm like that.

I finally had a piece of that oreo pie T and I made yesterday. It's really good. Kind of like... a huge oreo. Yeah. Duh. Retards. What did you think it was going to taste like? Peanut butter? Okay then.

Hye Sung would make a pretty girl. I mean, really. He would be a REALLY pretty girl. It's so beautiful. You know who else would make a pretty girl? Tony. Yeeeeaaaah. Mmmm... and Wooie... (am I the only one who refuses to call him "Hyukie" or however you spell it? Ali is original. ^_^)... and Miyavi and Mana... Omigod... No, but seriously, a lot of Korean guys are hot... I mean, in Japan you have J-rockers who are okay... and then they put make-up on and it's like "O.O SO SEXY" but in Korea a lot of the guys don't need all that make-up... o.o; Except for Jun Jin because he's just... Ew. How is he attractive? He scares me. He's like... ew. Just no.

And why is Tom such a dork? lol. rofl. Mot. XD!!!!!!!!! Oh, gods, that's so funny. Mooooot. Mik Mot. o_O; XDXDXD Ahahaha. rofl. Oh gods. That's so funny. xD

I need more sugar.

Sunday, May 11, 2003
11:19 a.m.
Ugh.

Finally. I fixed the layout. It doesn't look quite like it did before, but at least it's pretty damn close to it. I'll probably play around with it some more before being finished with it. I just don't know. I've still got some more quotes to add... I think that's it, though, unless I feel like playing with the colors... But whatever.

Okaa-san, Dave, and Mommom got here shortly after 10pm yesterday. Oh joy. An extra person in the house -- but I don't mind Mommom. She practically raised me. It's just... we have an extra dog now, too. She's cute. Her name is Kelly. And La'Shana's scared of her. I've never heard her hiss until yesterday night. In fact, La'Shana's so scared of Kelly she insisted on sleeping with me. o_O She hasn't slept on my bed in months so it was kind of odd.

Regardless, I'm still sick. But lucky for me I'm too drugged up to pay any attention to my headache. Mommom offered to give me a shot, but I'd like to save those things for really bad headaches. ROFL. Omigod. My legs feel like jello. -_- And I'm so tired because the NyQuil hasn't really worn off yet. I'm dizzy, too, but I'm not walking into walls. I'll take that as a good thing.

Yeah, I'm done for now. Because if I don't stop typing then I'll write a 200+ page post that I'm sure none of you are interested in reading. I just feel so stupid because I've been too sick to get my mother anything for Mothers Day. u.u

I need food.

Saturday, May 10, 2003
09:57 p.m.


OMFG. MEG. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. :( I have to re-do my Wooie layout ALL OVER AGAIN. That was so hard. ;-; Omigod... Omigod... all that damn work...

Saturday, May 10, 2003
05:53 p.m.
-_-

I took another nap. Or whatever you want to call it. It failed to do anything but make the pain worse. This sucks. Horrible. Okaa-san said she should be back by 11pm tonight and she wants us to stay up. Wtf. I'm sick. If I want to go to bed to try to get better or because I can't stand the pain anymore then she can just deal with it. I'm not making myself even more sick just to please her.

I can see Meg still hasn't fixed her journal, and I can't do anything with it until this headache of mine is gone because I'll get so pissed off I'll wind up smashing my computer to little bits and pieces. I just don't have the patience needed to deal with that stuff right now.

Speaking of blogs, I think Hye Sung is going to be the next person I do a layout for... Then Jae (his lips are cute. =x...), Tony (Omigod... =o... He has like... the best lips EVER), Gackt, Miyavi, and maybe Mana. Then I'll probably switch to Anime for a little bit.. and then Faeries. o.o;

Nagii: And then I'll make an oreo pie.
SecludedFae: LoL
Nagii: The picture on the box looks sexy. =
SecludedFae: aww ::tickles::
Nagii: Like.... the kind of Woo Hyuk sexy when he's so sexy I wanna eat him. That's how the oreo pie on the box looks. That's uber-sexy. Woo Hyuk-o-licious.
SecludedFae: ::laughs:: baby your so kawaii
Nagii: I think I froze my tongue. ;_; I wish I had Wooie here to make it all better.
SecludedFae: LOL
Nagii: Ew. That was so wrong. That implied the wrong things. =(;;;
SecludedFae: LMAO
Nagii: I don't want his tongue in my mouth. x.x
Nagii: Ew. I hate french kissing. I don't get it. That's... disgusting.
SecludedFae: ::wrinkles up nose:: its kinda weird
Nagii: It's like... the person isn't satisfied with knowing everything about the outside of your body -- but the person also needs to know the inside of your mouth. Like. Wtf. So, yeah, I've had dental work done and yeah, the silver is pretty and yeah, the roof of my mouth is just like everybody elses, but it's not like I want someone's tongue in there slooshing around like a little baby looking for a lost toy.
SecludedFae: ::Falls over laughing::
Nagii: o.o;
SecludedFae: you should rant about that in yer journal
Nagii: I wouldn't even let my husband french kiss me. =(
Nagii: I think I will. xD
SecludedFae: hehe ::pats her head::

Okay, so that's it. French kissing is my "Rant-of-the-Day".... Or so I suppose. Anyway, so, yeah. Wtf. It's disgusting. = Like sex. Sex is disgusting. = I wish God had thought of a better way for the homosapiens to reproduce. It's just. Ew. That's wrong, you know? Even thinking about it is... ew. Wrong. It's wrong, dammit! OKAY. I ADMIT IT. I AM A PRUDE. But French kissing is wrong, too. It's like sex. Only for the mouth. If I wanted someone's tongue in my mouth then I think I'd have some issues to sort out. = See, because I have a habit of biting things that are put in my mouth (i.e. FOOD) therefore, anything that is put in my mouth is going to be bitten (therefore thought of as FOOD). And a tongue, my friends, is no different. Especially if someone's trying to French kiss me. I will bite REALLY HARD and that person will feel REALLY BAD for attempting to do such an ecchi thing with me. =(

What's the point of French kissing, anyway? Trying to see how far you can ram your tongue down someone's throat? Trying to see if you can find any treasure? Counting teeth? God. It's wrong. I don't get the point. Normal kissing is okay -- in fact, it's pretty damn cute/romantic/whatever. I'll take that to French kissing any damn day (not that I get kissed a lot, but it does happen. =...).

Ugh. I dunno. I had coherent thoughts in my head about this, but right now all I can think is "EW. EW. THAT IS WRONG." and "Woo Hyuk-o-licious!" And you know what? I like that saying. And I need to make my oreo pie.

Saturday, May 10, 2003
09:27 a.m.


La'Shana got up in the tree again.. T had to go up and get her because I was too scared and feeling sick. -_- I'm so dizzy... I can't move a lot without almost passing out...

I'm going back to bed. I hate being so damn sick. And cold... MEG. I don't know what the fuck you did, but you really screwed up this time. I'll probably have to re-do everything -- so I might just make you a new layout in the process (but I doubt it cause I'm sick. It will depend on my mood). Once I fix it you will have to re-do what you have in the little textareas and add the little pictures and things and then LAY OFF THE EXTRA FANCY STUFF... or something like this will happen again. But you WILL have to wait or fix it on your own because I'm too sick to do it right now.

Saturday, May 10, 2003
05:57 a.m.
hjd kjshdgfk

Gah. I took all tha damn medicine and I still have a headache... only now it's a sinus headache. Wtf. I took sinus pills yesterday... shouldn't I... not have a sinus headache? Whatever. It isn't that bad so I'm not too worried about it.

I left my computer on all night in sleep mode... because I didn't feel like waiting for it to shut down before I went to bed. So whatever.

But it's so damn early. I was thinking about going back to bed but I know if I do my headache will just get worse and I'm not finishing off the last bit of NyQuil unless I really need to.

kfhl hdfl ksfd :( No one is on.

And I'm not gonna archive anything until my next layout. Because I said so. I'm just going to delete some entries. :)

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hehehehe

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take the death quiz.
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Friday, May 9, 2003
06:38 p.m.
:(

Fuck you all. I'm going to bed. Meg and Jen-chan got off and Tom's not on (kljvhalkj lsfjk lakjdh lakx, mz,.nz By the way, I should be shooting myself for trying to think negative things about him. I'm so mean sometimes. :( lsafh kljadsf :(...) and I feel like I'm going to be sick. That's so disgusting. I'm just lucky it never actually gets past the "feeling" part. xD

Fucking headaches.

I have too many posts. I think I'm going to archive some of them later. Like. Tomorrow.

Cause... like... the parents are gone all weekend.

...

(Update: 7:08pm -- Not in bed yet -- Went downstairs and took two sinus pills and two Motrin pills {because we're out of excedrin} and then took NyQuil. After which I swear I wanted to be sick. Why does Okaa-san get the blackish green kind...? Then I ate. Pudding. Vanilla pudding. And it reminded me of Gackt and Masa and fanservice during Vanilla LIVE. And I was happy. The I ate what was supposed to be my lunch for tomorrow {aka -- lunchables cheese pizza. Okaa-san apparently thinks I'm three years old. Blegh.}. Forgot to bring Miyabi up. He went without sun today. I question his health. Hopefully the damn sun will come out tomorrow. Brian-oppa {u.u...} is back in Korea. Did I mention that already? I don't think I did. Fany-oppa is sick... something's wrong with his throat. I hope he turns out fine. ._. ... NyQuil is kicking in. Oyasumi.)

Friday, May 9, 2003
03:06 p.m.
Ugh.

I've got one of those annoying headaches. Well, it's starting. I hate it. I'm going to have to knock myself out tonight -- I can already tell. The headache has already made me tired. I've yawned about five times within the past five minutes. Maybe should just take a shower, get some medicine, and go to bed... But I'm supposed to go somewhere with Dave to get Okaa-san something for Mothers Day. I almost can't wait for that day to apply to me, you know? That's something I think all girls look forward to... Besides getting married, that is.

Speaking of which, I don't know if I ever will reach that stage in my life. Maybe I should just become some person who doesn't date anyone. After all, there's no one out there who really wants to date me, I think... They like me until they get to know me better and then all that "liking" stuff just drains away. That's because people "fall in love" too easily. Hell, it's not even love. It's nothing close to it. It's infatuation. Love and infatuation are two very different things. I'd like to meet someone (besides Charchar) who tends to know as much (if not more) about these things as I do. He seems to be the only other person I know who can tell love from infatuation and doesn't tend to fall into any of those things quite easily. I think that's special.

Anyway, wasn't I ranting about something else...?

Whatever, today in math class I was struck, once again, with the fact that men think with their pants. Or, rather, what's in them. I don't understand how a bunch of guys can watch prissy little big-breasted morons jump on trampolines and find that arousing or anything of the sort just because of the underwear footage or something retarded like that. Holy Christ. People think it's wrong for me to like shounen-ai and yaoi... but "The Man Show"...? Holy fuck. What the hell is the population of men living in te U.S. coming to? I thought the old grandpas in Japan were perverted and nasty, but... damn... They don't have anything on the dickheads over here. -.- This is why Ali doesn't like most American boys. See, most Japanese boys are perverts... Yes, I know this, but they go through great deeds to ensure that their perversion is is hidden (see, that's where the infamous "nose-bleeds" in Anime and Manga come in... :)...). American boys, however, are the complete opposite. They're perverts and they fucking flaunt it and I hate every damn one of them who does. There's nothing wrong with a closet pervert (...Dave has a Kama Sutra book, so I know he's a closet pervert) but you don't have to get a damn shirt that reads, in bold, underlined, italicised, point 75 font "I AM A PERVERT" or "I THINK WITH WHAT'S IN MY PANTS"... I know shirts like this don't exist, but they might as well because I'm sick of all the one-track minded, idiot drones who watch "The Man Show" and guzzle down beer like the hogs they are. The sweaty bastards. If I wasn't the way I am now I think I'd be throwing around the idea of becoming a Nun.

I keep getting off topic. Okay. My point: MEN SUCK _______.

Fill in the space with whatever you want to. And yes, Meg, "dick" works. I'm saving you the trouble of you having to sort through words for a hundreth of a second in order to come up with a filler word. Besides, I know how much you like yaoi. e_e;

Anyway, There's a few classes of guys I know of (and the names for these classes are temporary until I can think of better ones. :D...)...
Class 1 - "HELL NO" -- These are the guys who are way too overweight, eat too much, and lounge around on the couch all day guzzling beer and vaccuuming broken chips from their chests and various folds thereon while flipping through channels (read: Comedy Central and late night HBO) and hoping to find something pleasing to watch (read: "The Man Show" and various questionable movies. :)...). These men most likely live on their couch and leave only to relieve themselves and fetch more food (read: Chips and beer). They go to Blockbusters every night to retrieve their pornographic movies -- the ones they refer to as "art" and they also probably own at least 3 versions of Kama Sutra and have countless pictures of half-nude teenaged women (or men, if they swing that way) hanging up in their closet where they stash their "Playboy" magazines. Only whores date these men. ...Really desperate whores.
Class 2 - "Pervy Pervs" -- These are the guys who will willingly (and openly) grope women (both in and out of public, mind you). These guys probably masturbate to Playboy magazines and pictures of their ex's (as opposed to the "HELL NO" guys who masturbate to nearly everything on God's green earth) and think they're everything because they own a motorcycle (read: beat-down, rusty, and old toyota). These guys usually abuse their lovers and the only girls who date them are a) really stupid, b) forced into a relationship, c) really desperate, or d) all of the above.
Class 3 - "Highschoolers" -- These guys are usually only after one thing -- sex. And a lot of them are closet perverts. Most girls who date these guys don't know what the hell they're getting into, are probably cheerleaders, straight A students, and bounce around all bubbly-like while putting other people down because they're obviously just "too damn cool" (I don't have anything against blonde, cheerleaders, or staight A girls -- it's just that most of them are bitches. :D) and everyone else must just just not be "ready" for whatever "jelly" they possess.
Class 4 - "Perfect" -- These are THE PERFECT men. These are the men women would DIE for. They're usually rich (but not always), good looking, smart, and (most importantly) KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN. However, 9 times out of 10, these men can't be claimed because a) they're dead, b) they're married, c) They're dating, d) they're not interested in dating (read: YOU), e) they're GAY (as most "Perfect" men tend to be) or f) they're a-sexual.

There are other categories within the classes, but I'm too lazy to elaborate.

And I think I'm done now.

Friday, May 9, 2003
12:55 p.m.
xD

Wtfer. Meg murdered her journal. It's so hilarious. I'd fix it for her but I forgot her password... x.x; I want the kitty counter she has for it, too. ;-; No fair. Anyway...

Got up this morning at 6:25 because the alarm went off and shitty Y102 was playing some retarded song about... something... I can't remember anything but the urge to throw my little radio thing out the fucking window. Don't they have radio/CD player things that play the CD when the alarm goes off? ;-; If so, I want one of those. Regardless, so after pondering the thought of throwing my radio out the window, I proceeded to get up and stare oddly at the H.O.T. pictures I have taped to the wall and say "...What the fuck...?" because I only have the two Jen-chan printed out for me and dfk ashj lzkh kxznbvk xkvj hskxhvc klsbvlkjsd they're in black and white. Omigod. dsh llfa sadf asdf. Anyway, then I did all the normal stuff (wtf, it's not like I go to school in my PJs... >> Which are really cute... >>;; They have moo cows on them and clouds and moons... =D...) and ate some cream of wheat. Omigod. Yes. I actually ate something for breakfast. And it was good. Fuck the lot of you who swear cream of wheat is for the hill-billies. =(...

Erm. I don't know what my problem was today, but I seriously gave Tom the "cold shoulder" or whatever the hell you want to call it. I don't know why... it's just... I couldn't stand him for some odd reason. Maybe it's because I've been trying to get myself to not like him because I'm oviously not getting anywhere with him (and never will...?)... And I've been telling myself that he probably has this cute little Korean girlfriend his parents swoon all over. = My silly little thoughts seem to be working because for the past week I haven't been as clingy. Not that I was too clingy in the first place... I don't think grabbing onto the handle of a bookbag is considered "clingy"... But whatever.

First period was horrid. I can't believe the school tried telling me that I never took a computer class for 9th grade. Wtfer. I did. It was RIGHT THERE on my 9th grade report card and it read "MICROSOFT APPLICATIONS" and guess what? Not only did I take it, but I also PASSED it!!! Those idiots must be blind. I should get a free credit for this. I can't believe they stuck me in a 9th grade computer class. Anyway, so Nesley (or however you spell her name) said we had to pick a topic and make a powerpoint presentation out of it -- but we couldn't pick any singers/bands. What. The. Fuck. I can't do a presentation on anything because of that.
Things important to Ali:
Gackt
Malice Mizer
Miyavi
Dir en Grey
Anime
Manga
Japan
Japanese
Fly to the Sky
H.O.T.
Korea
Korean (not "Koreanese" like my mom says. e.e)
Drawing
Yay. okay.. and HOW MANY of those are in the MUSIC category? Nesley can go impale herself with a fork because I'm not doing that assignment. I'd rather watch DBZ than think of something to do a powerpoint presentation on. And then she forgot that the classes ended earlier today because of the early dismissal, so I had the pleasure of walking halfway down the hallway with Tom. But we weren't walking together, because I was being a bitch and didn't do anything but work on my Faerie picture and glare at him when I looked in his direction. So. Yeah. He probably hates me now... or maybe he hasn't taken note of it because he doesn't take note of anything else, really, when it comes to me. Okay. That was a lie. Because... I think he asked once if I was mad at him. So that counts as taking note of things.

Second period was... boring. We had a test. I think I bombed it. Oh well. And then this fucking retard in the other room was banging on the wall. Wtfer. I wanted to go over there and smack whoever the fuck it was for doing such an obnoxious thing. Dammit. And can't I draw Faeries in peace? I don't need idiots hovering over my shoulder and watching me draw a picture that ISN'T. FOR. THEM. In fact, it was supposed to be for Tom... I've wanted to draw Faeries for a while now, so I'll probably finish the one up this weekend and then work on the one for Jenna's mom... because I want to get this first one done... first... because I probably wont see Tom over the summer, seeing Jenna and her mom is kind of this thing that happens all the time. But I suppose I should draw Charchar one, too, because he's moving. =/ Anyway.

I got a permanent pass out of gym until the 17th because of these stupid tests coming up. Why can't I be normal? Anyway, so I went to study hall and then there were more people swooning all over my damn drawing. The retards.

Then I had math. With Young. I dunno... she's cool. I like her. So she gave us our grades 'n such. Which is nice, I guess. Whatever... This post is too long.

And I'm sick of lying to myself about things.

Thursday, May 8, 2003
07:49 p.m.
XD

JAPANESE PARKING ONLY

You are a bit selfish, and self centered. You know what you like, and you don't want any changes. It's your way or the highway. SO DESU!

What's Your Sign?
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Did I mention that when I sneeze I sound like a mouse? xD

Thursday, May 8, 2003
06:23 p.m.
ROFLMFAO.

Okay, I keep logs of some IM conversations I have with some of my friends -- especially the funny ones because then I go back and read them whenever I'm upset or something.. and I was going through them today out of boredom...

I have like 50 billion logs of conversations Tom and I had. Excessive? Yes... and I thought so, too, until I read through each and every one of them... and broke out into a fit of giggles every five seconds or so. They're absolutely hilarious... and he contradicted himself in every single one of them... Because he's so shy and quiet offline... but online he's... o_O Almost the polar opposite...

I have lots of logs of Meggerz and I, too... xD And they're just as damn funny (okay, maybe a little less... but it's hard to compair anything to the infamous "Na nuh jowa heh" incident with Tom... xD...)... Which reminds me... Meggerz is in the mood way too much...

I need food. x.o

ROFL. Okay, so I was eating ravioli -- or however you spell it... and I wanted to give some to Duke but it landed on his back when I tried to get the food off the fork.. xD So he spent about ten minutes running around in circles all over the kitchen as he tried to get this food off his back.. and Okaa-san was yelling and me and laughing and I was laughing... and... Duke was runnin' around in circles and... xD My throat hurts... x.x

Thursday, May 8, 2003
03:41 p.m.
=D

Woo! Finally! Everything matches and is SO PRETTY.

Anyway, today was stupid, really... In study hall first period... I was less than 3 SECONDS late and she (the teacher, I dunno her damned name) was all "Do you have a pass?" I must have made an annoyed face because then she got pissed off and I said >>;; In a cocky voice... "No" and chuckled a little bit before sitting down snd she just sort of sighed and went on with her life... Anyway, and then there was this idiot who had his headset on and she DIDN'T SEE HIM. How could she NOT have seen him when I saw him PERFECTLY and I was just a little bit away from her?! Wtfer?!

Anyway, and then lunch came... and.. wasserface got all pissed off at someone and was all "THAT'S MY FUCKING MONEY YOU STUPID BITCH" or something like that and one of the teachers came over and said he was going to split the table up and blahblah I wasn't really listening... And then later he came over and said that we had "too many people" at our table -- there's about 8 of us that sit at the table itself, two or three who sit on the bench -- and he said at least four of us have to move. Fucking Jimmy's table has over 12 people sitting there... how come none of them have to move?! Well... so I decided I'd rather go to Shriners for lunch instead of going to the damned cafeteria -- but I suppose I'd be questioned by idiot faculty members if I don't have a pass or something retarded like that... I'm not even going to mention how we're being dismissed now. Omigod. Wtfer.

And I did not know Tom was behind me after art class when I was saying... like... how he was mean and I was invisible to him and he didn't love me anymore... xD When Jen-chan said something about it I thought "Oh... god..."... But... but that's how I feel, really. So it's not that bad... Maybe he wasn't even listening... but if he was now he knows what I think... XD... Erm...

And supposedly I'm the only person in 2 English classes to get a 100% on their oral book presentation. o_o; Now I know why that idiot asked me about my book in art class -- Mrs. Cook decided to share that information with her other class. x.x;...

So, that Faerie picture I'm working on... I may give it to Charchar, he said it's probably one of his favorites of mine... n.n I was going to give it to Tom but he doesn't love me anymore and I'm invisible to him and he's mean... and... Hmm... Stuff. Eh. Maybe I'll draw him somthing else... Like... him all SD style and being attacked by a rabid kitty who's foaming at the mouth. XDXD

Jen-chan should't be so upset. ;-;...

Wednesday, May 7, 2003
09:10 p.m.
...x.x

Oh my god... this layout took so long to make. I think my stupidity was a large reason why... but, regardless, I think it came out beautifully. I might not change it for a long while (partially because it took so long to make and put up, you know?). Besides that, the colors are pretty... But I have to change the colors of the tagboard and my pretty button and add a thing or two that I forgot to tomorrow...

...Because I've been working on the layout since around 4pm.. and I just now got done... I don't have enough energy to change any more colors...

Sunday, May 4, 2003
08:38 p.m.
xD


Hello Kitty Pocky! You're flat out weird, and somewhat unknown, since I haven't even seen you in Sanrio stores. You, however, are the omnipotent kitty of OZ and all shall bow down before your immense Bran-muffiny-ness.

What Kind of Pocky are You?
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