hung over a craazy day...
Saturday, March 29, 2003
11:43 a.m.
"maybe im just blind
hold me when I'm here
right me when I'm wrong....
hold me when I'm scared and love me when I'm gone.."

Friday, March 28, 2003
10:37 p.m.
hey jon wadup...this is ur fourth entry today
Wad a day huh…time to reflect huh...friday the 28th...
this aint for u jo dun read!!hahaha...
…met her in the morn
had lunch at scotts again....eeww.... then just walked around alot
shoppin so it seems....went for a jog...felt lethargic n all....like id been fat all my life....
sighz...this was such a blessed day for me…
…It could have gone soo wrong yet it didn’t n everything is still in place..
im sooo thankful for her understanding nature…
…even tho she has been so nice n I was yea yucky….she still stuck with me….
Jon u bloody lucky guy….
…if it was u or anyone else u would have just lost her
All because of my folly ya?
I just realized this had the potential to screw up soo bad…
Could have ruined my hols n JC life…. Yea out of the furnace comes jade gold

I have to think about wad I say before it hurts pple I love…
This will ruin me one day the way I shoot of my mouth
I have to control my feelins n dun take it out on the wrong person…
Absolutely disastrous…
I know truly now how much she means to me…
Don’t go bein funny with her anymore….never wana hurt her again….or make her cry
treat her like how she means to u and nuthing less
Cherish the frens who are there jon…dun let them slip…
Thanks zhao…u always my listenin ear…
its always good for these lessons before ur 18th....
jon

SOFT
Friday, March 28, 2003
07:10 p.m.
it ridicules me how something so loving can hurt...
something so soft can cut so deep..
it screams bloody murder in my face...
the pain of causing it in someone else..
the hurt in makin someone u care for cry....
the thought plunges deep in the cotton fields of my consience ....

it shatters even the strong...
it impales the weak...
simple innocent words can ashame me and smear blood on my face..........
the harsh words were mine to bear...
they were those i carried
but there they were
thats what they were..words of care concern...
it welled up sadness as never before...
from a depth neverfelt
these break as no swords can....
it chokes and hurts as no physical experience can bring

"u hurt her"
"i made her cry"
"someone i really care for"
"someone who cares"

i am speachless in the prescence of her i hurt
nuthing makes sense, comes to mind but "sorry i never meant bad"

never meant to make u cry

grieve not i meant no harm...
dun worry i will always be there for u

jon
just talked to ya gal...go have fun at church dun be late..lol

"when darkness is all around and frens just cant be found"

sorry
Friday, March 28, 2003
05:46 p.m.
would whisper so softly that the dead might wake...
i was a bent pencil that broke.
beyond words that express the guilt of me
the manacles still hang heavy...
that bit the hand that fed
that severed the hand that caressed
i got lost so far from where i should be
how did i get here?
it shames me
mockin like a prison cell
the punctuation of agony....
and the day might break in my favour
the fountain of youth still flows n inebriates

my bad... my bad
Friday, March 28, 2003
05:09 p.m.
man i got things sooo wrong...
i feel soo screwed up!!!

gal u gotta forgive me...
i did bad
....i guess i got too caught up in everything and gettin pissed that i got pissed at u as well
so sorry for rubbishin ur concern...i never realised how much u care...and wad an idiot i was to not have seen it...
if i made u upset i am soo sorry...
i never wanted to...

i cant believe i was so nasty..
pls dun take to heart wad i said...
i really do appreciate all ur concern n care...
i really wana make it up to u gal...
it breaks my heart to see me bein so disgustin and u bein so sweet about it...
really thankful for ya..
i din read u letter when i met u..
..i read the first few lines n wanted to cry cos of how upset i realised i must have made u...
i was readin ur letter on the train just now n was dyin...
sucha jerk i had been....sighz

u really mean so much to me n i dun wana lose u ever
my actions last night n half of this mornin are regrettable...
it really hurts deep to think of how upset i made ya....
i shud never have doubted ur care gal...
i do love u....

right now nuthin i say cant change what passed...
thanks for everything...for bein so understandin... for carin...for spendin time even tho i was a jackass....

"And I never meant to cause you trouble I never meant to do you wrong I just needed you to comfort me and I have tried to make it right and I dont know that I feel so sure but I think that i missed out "

Friday, March 28, 2003
10:04 a.m.
mayb i was just feelin shitty...maybi wasnt thinkin
i prob was too uptight n all...
wad i got was disinterest...i was soo pissed really that i just wanted to leave n said i goina bed
and i never really want to get off the phone with u
i like talkin to u
u know that
i told u
i feel so hung up to dry n n all
called him out for a drink...got his uncles hidden stash of booze...
jon

Friday, March 28, 2003
01:06 a.m.
hey...i felt so empty after that
from wad i had u din give a shit tho it seemed so...
yea u have ur moods cool...
cool
this time it really got to me....
be apathatic for all u want....
but dun go all concerned if u not...
dun leave me hangin....
when i had such a shitty day u know that...
jon

wheres my morphine?
Friday, March 28, 2003
12:47 a.m.
i had a disgustin day
got screwed by dad, coach,the whole world,the squirels...
... to u:
i wasnt goina sleep u prob realise by now....everything was fake....acted like u cared like u concerned
cool u "off" got better things to do i understand...
if u dun care then forget it....so painful....
"oh u ok?"
all bullshit absolfuckinlutely hogwash
leavin me alone would be
so much better
u just made me feel
so much worse
if it dun matter to u then stop it
if u dun feel like listenin then dun ask me wad happened

if u know u goina apolgize later for bein "off" then just leave me

forget it
y bother...
its just swell heaven when u had a horrible day n theres someone who apparently cares
its just shit when uve been had
ur horrible day just became fuck baby
dun feel obligated to care at all just because of that night....
dun act concerned if u really dun give a shitaz
it really did make me feel that much worse
for a bad enuf day
like droppin an ice cream just before u put it in a child's palm
... jon

Tuesday, March 25, 2003
06:45 p.m.
just came back from gym..
so many things happenin....suans mum got breast cancer....so sudden so unexpected...its a paradox that something so bad can have good outcome....
she used to hate her mum lots i guess....but this has changed things..
somehow dreadin the sense of loss n helplessness in the situation really drives one insane....
just because someone doesnt love u the way u want them to doesnt mean they dont love with all that they have
....abosulutely heart wrenching.....
somehow its ignoring me...in front of everyone else its like i dont exist or om not there....when no ones around then its cool..
i soo hate that...its so tiring n bothersome n all....i shall try the ignoramus method for a week...see how it goes...i never have the willl to carry it out but since im typin it out i prob have to do it....somehow i m still unsure...thats really not how i want it to be...sometimes its soo clear to me...other times its like i have absolutely no knowledge...
im quite sure its not of my doing...im would like it to be...but my ego my pride my frens are holdin me back...
ive got to figure this out...im sure not goina budge i dont think it will either...
something drastic or huge better happen soon..or i be left hanging...
.had soo much fun again today....nick n i wrecked havoc in the book store...haha...
so here commences the ignoramus projet....concentrate on work n debates in the mean time....

Saturday, March 22, 2003
11:27 p.m.
just came back from drama..went with jo...n all...din talk to her much....
...yea...met lotsa new pple tho...this indian usher gal kept insitin i was "martin"...from the moment she gave me the brochure till she met me after the concert...martin martin all the way...none the matter..
saw shirley as well with her bro... she was wearin a dress!!!shockin...
softball today again...won njc with victor 8-2...tagged 2 out!!!nice one jon...
then we played the thai team...haha...rubbish play... absolutely insane....never mind la...haha... tmr game with tpjc...early...gotta win

Friday, March 21, 2003
12.00 a.m
whoa...wad a day...just came back from serious screwin from c...ho0rrible debate session..sighz...horrible....

Thursday, March 20, 2003
10.37 p.m.
yay!!!....class outin!!!....only me nick grace mark ng ny and dahan la....was quite BORINNZZZZZZ...but we left them after that to watch cradle 2 the grave....we ate at kenny rogers....
zhao joined us after that....stonin at starbuckes just talkin la...was rather cooll....ciao then for now

Sunday, March 16, 2003
11:04 p.m.
heya ual....
what a day
had matches with rjc and jjc...
coach fielded me against rj...played well i think...never striked out...got to first base...slid stole to second then got tagged out stealin third...hit in the bloody stomach...
slidin to second injured my butt too... so ask coach to rest me and he did against jjc.... then halfway marcus couldnt bat...so he yelled" time!!jon come bat!!"and bat i did...got 2 bases TWICE but made no runs!! no one got me home la...sad....

my ass was killin me and i was dogg tired
2 matches aint no joke..in the hot sun fried my brains
...crazy i cldnt walk without my ass screamin bloody mercy...

then met fren for dinner at BK....
really upset she was...
cheer up gal....really upset to see her cry...
this kinda things happen to all...dont think too much about it ya....in all emotional situations best idea would be to forgive and love....
we live in too horrible times to be filled with hatred....i say let go...

Saturday, March 15, 2003
09:06 p.m.
just got back from SRC match with hcjc
we kinda lost but its cool cos we just started.. din play today!!!so pissed!!! my elbow is screwin me up... hurts like hell..
last inning we totally killed hc hahah..
they were so blur!!
ate at raffles city food court....kaijian went for choir concert with jo....kenny went with this year one gal that peadophile...
haha....kk im goina sleep early...tmr stilll got match with rj and jjc....
shirley is one of the nicest pple to me these days... shes tomboyish yet so feminine...her actions are so cute... today i was walkin at pandang when she jumped out of no where and whacked me...then the way she played catcher was likewise amusing....haha
shes a really sweet person...hit me with a ball in my ribs tho...it dont matter cos she goina massage for me tmr...hahah....gave me an elbow guard too and offered to deep heat it for me....
shes sucha loving person...
anyways bridge over troubled waters is fantastic
jon

Monday, March 10, 2003
06:08 p.m.
heyhey
wadup just got back from gym.... totally spent...shir wanted throw ball today but i dint bring glove dammit.... so maybe tmr....
got my slacks today...bloody white leotards they are.... goina look like a fag in tight pants shit.... grace nick song all had fuucked up days...
im the only one cheery...haha kinda lonely there aint it....
i hate pple pandering to be when im down placating me n all....mayb thats cos i not upset..
yea jos injured today again....should have gotten her the ice pack...would be cute...must do serious work tonight... catch up with stuf....tmr better be a better day.... wonderin if i shud go swim....or softball the whole day... dilemma really...lol....
im just whining bout nuthing again.... cheers

Sunday, March 9, 2003
08:12 p.m.
wow...this thing is amazing
had quite a day today last night went out wid jo fer movie maid in manhatten rather lame show...romantic if u want...
had trainin b4 that...had this prep talk about studies heard nabil screwed up 'a's i am terrified...i act like studies are cool like chill im smart n all...but inside it kills me..... freaky...imagine myself cryin my ass out once i know i cant be what i want to be
a lawyer
anyways...yea jos parents aint in went abroad or summat ..lol...
trainin ended real late..fucked up cos i was late...it was rainin n i couldnt flag a cab...soakin fuckin wet.... she played with rufus/dufus/bailey all the way thru... haha rather amusin...
reached grace place like 12?? watch evolution...bloody hilarious show laughed my balss offf.... aprilyin came too plus zhao bin n nick...
had goood fun although i woke up with aprilyin huggin me from behind n snorin in my ear... hahah...never knew gals snnored...
yea...td came study wid me... hhaahha her earin got stuck was sooo gross spent like 10mins just fixin her ear....was freaked out la afraid to hurt her...