Whenever I go into a questionable situation, I always feel this blanket of calm around me. It is as if I am watching my actions from far away, as if I am seeing someone else. I can see the calm exterior, fashionable and striking. Striking in more ways than one. The beauty they say I have lashes out like a knife with my orders. It decieves and it kills. It is amazing the lengths we go to in making a life for ourselves. The love I pretend to have is one which fools other easily, including lovers. When I am with him, I only separate myself from the place...I am thinking about strategy, about how I can get a piece to the puzzle, out of this situation. Piecing together the life I should own is not an easy job. It is next to impossible. There are people that want me to fail in my mission, but succeed in theirs. It doesn't seem fair. But I keep doing their work, all in the name of something I don't believe in. I wonder who controls all of this. Surely it is not myself...even though I feel as if I have the insight to figure out their control pattern. But perhaps those in conrol are those I seek. Instead of my enemies they are perhaps my family. They are those that I search for and those that I cry for in the darkness. Either way I can't win. The calm wraps me as I hold my gun. I execute with the efficiency of a machine. I am controlled remotely, I am only the body holding the weapon. The mind is elsewhere. Tuesday, January 30, 2001, 09:32 p.m.