furious u know at this point of time.. the LAST thing i wanna hear from someone is how they keep telling me how my other friends have gone so far ahead of me. it's not motivational. for goodness sake, it's my life here i wanna live. not theirs. so wat if i'm a bit slow? so wat if i cant be the best there is the best there was and the best there ever will be? i wanna live my life knowing i did this for myself. not because i wanna be compared to others. i wanna know i am happy because i've found this motivation this drive. dont start telling me how bad i am. so wat? einstein want the brightest kid in class. dropouts dont mean unsuccessful. it wont make things better when u compare. compare is not good. it's how u live ur life. not how others want ur life to be. u decide, wan. u decide. and i wanna do this. i might be freaking out a bit but i just cant stand when someone tells me i'm lagging so far behind. somehow it makes me mad angry. but this anger turns into motivation. not to prove myself i'm better than others. to prove these people wrong. the more they say it, the more i wanna prove them wrong. i wanna start by proving mr miyagi wrong. i might be short of works. i might be balancing off the brim of failure. but i am set to prove someone wrong. and it angers me. it angers me bad. i wanna shove it up his face and make him tell me THIS is THE portfolio. that is my aim. and til i dont hear that from him. i wont stop doing.[231003,2210hr]

something at the wrist well i cant call it a bangle. is it called a bangle? some sort of a friendship band. hehe. went out to ang mo kio with that lil girl in the afternoon. played pool and bought ourselves some elastic string and beads. that brightened up our day. hehe. she made mine too coz my hands were just too big to hold on to the tiny pieces of beads. all i did was hold the string. yeah. that's all i did. haha. i guess this is some sort of a friendship band. hehe. i'm still amused. i think it's a bit too feminine.. but i guess the other bands i wear made it look ok. anyway, enjoyed my time with her today. it was fun. eventhough it's just that hour we laughed and joked abt each other. it really brightened my day. hopefully urs too. :) friends we'll be forever dear. *hugs* [031003,2012hr]

ground me exactly where am i going with myself? i wanna finish up this course of mine but i dont feel like i can be one of those creative people. i dunno. not because of the lack of self confidence. i just feel i just drained out my creative juices. i think i need to recharge from this life. after october, i'll go for a holiday either by myself or with someone. it's time i replenish my resources. i'm thirsty. thirsty for creativity. ideas. i cant seem to get hold of good ones these days. they somewhat feel rather plain and boring to me. lame design as i call it. maybe i'm trying too hard to be original. i'm myself. a plain simple guy who see things like how other people see things. might think i'm different.. but i think it's all the same. i think i'm trying too hard. i am boring. time to wake up man. this is reality. u ought to be grounded here. live ur life asshole. [031003,0155hr]

close? how do u define close? someone whom u feel has been a part of ur life? someone u've been talking to on the fone every night with? someone u go to school with? hmmm.. cloeness defines 2 people. lets say.. a guy and a girl. how close can a guy and a girl be yet still remain friends? i think the girls are usually the ones who CAN remain as friends. guys.. entah.. too bad. i think they suck at that. one of my goals.. be that guy who dont suck at that. always knowing when to keep my hormones in check. always keeping a safe distance to crossing that line. sometimes i think falling for a friend too early might cause disastrous effects. especially after the break up. if it was a peaceful break up, ok. fine.. i think it's rather possible to be back as friends but even then.. how could u see that person again in the same light? hmmmm.. i'm treating everyone like how i would treat everyone. noone gets special attention. noone gets surprise gifts. ooh.. ooh.. someone's bday coming soon. hheehhe.[021003,0043hr]

muscle relaxers yeah yeah.. i got myslef muscle relaxers. not mine though. my father's. now my eyes are really heavy. so hard to keep it awake. but my mind is moving and my head is hurting. watever lah.. muscle relaxers are the best. not gonna sleep late tonight. gotta do my work starting at 8 tomorrow. i gotta make myself get used to waking up early. so that means earlier sleeping times. targets are set. and it must be reached. i will survive these last days of sch. wish myself luck for i need all the luck i can get. hope things will go well and not foul up. : ) i'm happy i did somehtig today. : ) sleepy.[300903,2356hr]

headaches and heartaches i gotta get myself back up together. i woke up early today but i couldnt do anything coz my head was hurting so badly. i cant say i had lack of slp. i slpt early last night and i woke up 12 hrs later. man. i dunno i fthere's anythign wrong with my ehad lately. it's just been hurting so bad. i'm all out today with my portfolio and assignments. prioritizing my assignments first. gotta finish it up by this week. then it'll be easier for me to finish up my portfolio for the rest of the weeks. my theme: NICEinc. got an idea for it but not clear though. i gotta really be sure of this. i'm just still wary of my concept. better get it done soon.[290903,1125hr]

shit portfolio assessment is on Oct 31. i gotta show Mr Miyagi my portfolio thrice before the final presentation. i gotta get my stuff ready next week that means. 31 oct is a month from now. that's once a week. urgh. ok. gotta work hard now. i gotta finish up my portfolio layouts soon. hope to print them on monday or tuesday. i'll show Mr Miyagi my layout plan and stuff next week. hope he approves it. then i'll just go on with my portfolio. and my demo reel. demo reeli gotta think of nice one. and i need a concept. i think i'm going to use my niceinc thingee as a concept. ok. i'm panicking. someone help me.. where's my lil sis.. :( [270903,0102hr]

library books they're dued yesterday. shit. i totally forgot. seventy3's webby needs a new look and i need pictures of the band. hmm we need a photographer. need a favour from someone. does this mean another lunch? she's got the cam. she's got the attitude. she's got the shots. i think she can walk the catwalk. i think i've decided to give her that ticket of mine for 26th. :D u know who u are. hehe. will call u soon dearie. tomorrow sounds great. hope u read this before i call u. haha. ok. need to listen to songs now. somehow i just had a thought the songlist for 16th was kinda off. i miss playing covers. gonna figure out a new layout before slping. slp tite everyone.[260903,0121hr]

it's time i noe most people would wonder what the hell? after reading this entry. but i think it's time i let go of myself. i dont like this hatred in me. it kills me. i'm not a hater. i dont wanna hate anyone. not that self absorbed bugger in the class. not my lecturer. not even my ex. i know she's done a whole lot of great pain to me but it's time i let go of this pain. i'm over her. yeah. i still think abt her. yeah. but the pain. i dont want it to be there. so people, dont tell me i'm weak. stop asking me why am i still nice to her. i am not falling. i'm picking myself up from this mess. u cant run away from it but u can adapt to it. everyone makes mistakes. some costly. some minor. some may bring major pain. some may bring even death. i'm lucky i'm still alive. i dont wanna hate her. i just wanna cherish the moments i had with her. maybe i was cruel. maybe we betrayed each other's trust. maybe all this is just a way of me getting away from the pain that remained. u might hate her for what she did to u or to others. but that's ur own personal views. i have finally now chosen to live my life out of this pain i have kept for so long in my heart. call me a hypocrite or anything. maybe i am. maybe i am not. it's in ur eyes. i have no part in it. so please. so pls. i think it's time to ease this pain of mine. peace. let go.[250903,0112hr]

inspired but not alive i think the best time for me is that exact moment when i wake up. grogy and still in a daze. amazingly, that's when i am most creative. went to sch this morning. amazing isnt it? i mean. considering the fact i didnt do my work at all and went to slp. i woke up at 7 and did my storyboards and layout for my assignment. i still ahve yet to do my assignment 2. i'm finishing it up today. so i can hope i can finish my stuff by tomorrow. no class tomorrow. but i gotta somewhat hand this assignment in right? i'm truly amazed by when i'm most inspired to do work. i mean.. hands up those who share the same moment as me? doesnt it amuse u? that means i gotta wake up and scribble down all my ideas on paper.. then go take my bath and go to sch. oh yeah, i came to sch at 8.30 today. was late by half and hur. shucks. i'm for the bikini idea. thanx ratz for the title! :) gd day everyone. i'm lacking slp. i'm wearing new shoes and i'm thinking where am i gonna go after sch. was thinking of bumming out. but where... [240903,0904hr]

radio show i took a shower before i started today's comp. i think i know freakin why i can do so much better without a shower. this ultra sensitive nose of mine keeps on sneezing and running. gets me so damn distracted and irritated having to wipe and blow my nose all the time. well, hid gave me this url, http://203.123.24.18:8000/listen.pls, Radio Naluri 78.6, a private radio station on winamp playing both english and malay hits. i thought it was kinda cool. the dj plays requests from the chatters in #radiomelayu. the djs are on from 8pm to 2am everyday. of course, SOME people might not think it's well done but hey, did u think abt starting it in the first place? ever made an effort to start something like that? so shut up. i applaude for these people who have tried. i asked for details on how they started it but hid refuses to tell me. she said it was a secret. ok. i'll figure it out by myself then. always wanted to host a radio show. not alone though. i cant do stuff like this alone. i need an inspirator. a motivator for me to be spontaneous. someone like saf. wanna try something like that IF we have the time? kinda cool isnt it? experimentation. :)

i dunno who to turn to. isnt that his job to do? or maybe he's not meant for that. just for satisfying you, maybe? hmm.. that's not my job to do anymore. i cant trust u even as someone. i WAS ur friend. dont take me for granted thinking i'll always be. [230903,1019hr]

XL2 got myself new shoes. finally. wanted to buy em for so long. dont regret the $100 i spent on it. i like it alot. :) habis ah.. takleh bawak gi jamming. haha. my asthma's back to haunt me. really find it hard to manage at night. i feel like i'm back to my old self again. just a bit more experience that's all. but i feel the same dead me. nothing to look forward to every day. or shall i say every week. maybe i should try to look forward to something today. i'll make a plan for myself. i've got tuition later at 7.30. think i'll ask if i could have it earlier. i'll go ask for a job again at the 7-11 store right behind my place. working from 7 to 1 every night wouldnt be a prob i guess. besides, i stay up most of the nights til like abt 3 or 4. i hope this is a wise idea. ur life is lacking of challenges, wan. challenge urself to do this. make it a strive. determined to make the best out of urself. but things never work out the way i wanted it. so i gotta get ready for setbacks. ok. i'll be ready. today i'm gonna do what today has set me to do. hehe. and yeah the morning inspiratino thing.. works. hehe. [220903,1241hr]

a girl? do i need a girl? but how? what abt trust? u cant trust anyone these days. even those u love. people arent meant to be trusted. yeah u can trust them with ur stuff but who could u trust with ur heart? why do i close up after a horrible experience the past couple of months? why do i freeze up my own heart? i think i'm just not satisfied with what happened. as in, if u were in my state, would u? how do i satisfy myself? probably that's the only thing that keeps coming back to my mind. i'm just not satisfied. i dont care if she reads this. heck. dont think she'll bother anyway. i dont care. it's just wat my head is crying out for. fulfillment. satisfaction. just wanna hear word ur feeling what i felt. dont tell me u have coz that's such a fucking lie. u'd be dead slicing ur wrists by now if u had. i know u. the wounds on ur wrist aint yet deep enough for this kinda torture. then u'll know how much i took. that'll make the greatest day. that's my term for satisfaction. [190903,0459hr]

perfect can someone just suddenly stop dating? u know.. like go out and have fun with other girls eventhough ur together with someone. ur partner tells u that's not how she wants to be treated. u tell her she's controlling u too much and yet u still continued. then one day u meet this girl. wonderful. babe. gorgeous figure. sexy. hot. god knows what u might be thinking. lovely girl. sweet and everything on the fone. outside. everywhere. always making u feel so loved. then one day she tells u she loves u and if u want her to be urs. she'll give it all. by this stage, u'd too have feelings for her. but.. what abt the other? throw? keep and see how things would go? at least u have someone to spare if one doesnt work out? hmmm hard isnt it? then suddenly, u just dont feel the need to date other people. u dont feel the need to call other girls on the fone when they dont call u. even if the girl is not free to entertain u for those nightly chats anymore. u love her. that's all u care abt. and she loves u. all those dates u always wanted to do.. dont feel like it no more. felt like this is the one. wow. how great ur life can be. perfect. maybe the minor squabbles but all u ever wanted is right there in front of u. absolutely wonderful. i wish i was the one experiencing it. man.. would have been damn wonderful.[190903,0435hr]

she's all that for cuteness, rachel leigh cook's going all the way at the top of my list. no doubt. hid's gotta be second. hehe. :P *melting* i dont wanna say who's hot and who's not here.. maybe some peope might not like it. well anyway, i've got stuff all over my head. dont really know what's happening to me. i need to be sorted out lately. my blog seems like a mess. the empty space above is getting on my nerves. i dont really know what to put on top. again. wish i have a digital camera. did a few illustrations today. God knows what inspired me to do it. probably the fact that i didnt even bother to take a bath before sitting down in front of the comp. hmmm.. sounds logical. it's always been like that. the hardest working wan i've seen is the wan who hasnt taken a bath since morning. i took my bath before leaving the house for tuition today at 4. how wonderful. i just found out the way to my inspiration by writing crap on my blog. thank you oh wonderous blog o mine. wonderful. maybe i'll try again tomorrow. [190903,0237hr]