it's cliched. but sometimes cliches work. they are repeated so many times they become cliches but it's only because they express things the best.

i feel your pain. i care. i want to be there for you. i will be there for you. i'll always be here if you need help. it's difficult. and it's sickening to be endlessly told this crap from people you wish would stop hanging around and giving you sympathy. but we care. we honestly do.

sometimes it doesn't matter whether it's a friend a classmate or an acquaintance. the bottom line is they genuinely do wish they could help.

if you ever need us, we're just a phonecall away.

For you :: my friend gave me the poem when my brother passed away

if i die, survive me with such sheer force
that you waken the furies of the pallid and the cold,
from south to south lift your indelible eyes,
from sun to sun dream through your singing mouth.
i don't want your laughter or your steps to waver,
i don't want my heritage of joy to die.
don't call up my person, i am absent
live in my absence as if in a house.
absence is a house so vast
that inside you will pass through its walls
and hang pictures on the air
absence is a house so transparent
that i, lifeless, will see you, living,
and if you suffer, my love, i will die again.

ailin had the last laugh @ 04:29 p.m. on Sunday, November 3, 2002

1) The greatest, most fantabulous, splendiferous news of all :: i can make it to cosplay ^__^

2) The bad news :: everything else.

the more i think about it, the more the jc system sucks. why are our tests more difficult, yet our expectations remain higher than others? what's the point retaining people or forcing them to drop subjects where they could easily go to another jc that would more than willingly give them 4 subs and promotion? what are you saying about our school?

i don't get it. everyday i become more convinced my school is run by a village idiot. you refuse to acknowledge a talent, and you chase him away and practically GIVE him to a rival jc; and now you turn your back on those who practically sold their souls working for this school. what is your bloody problem?

i will not give up, damn you. i won't let you win.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:37 p.m. on Monday, October 28, 2002

it's funny how hc can make it seem like unless you take s papers, you no longer have a future.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:32 p.m. on Friday, October 25, 2002

yeah~ open house is over... a big load off my mind. so far we've had comments ranging from 'dead' to 'very happening' so go figure. but the most important bit is ^__^ people liked the bag/postcard/posters. a girl from MAD actually offered to pay 5 bucks for one. AND people liked the comic in aspiro. some peeps liked it so much they brought their friends back asking for more ^__^

i think council did great this time. everything went smoothly. everyone kept spirits high. ^___^ yang was telling me it was prob'ly the most successful event so far ^_^ had a great celebration dinner with ohco at swensons... overdosed on ice cream (i never thought it possible) barely survived my cookie summit (tm) have evaluation tomorrow though, after o1 informal >_< foresee the week being very busy. o1 informal, ohco formal, general meeting 4, project work presentation, viva voce etc. AND taking neo-prints. (yes. i need to re-think my priorities.)

and something quite horrible happened on open house. which has basically resulted in me (and kel) seeing mrs toh, mrs ang, and jt. i hope it blows over though. maybe i'm stubborn, but i still think we did nothing horribly bad. inappropriate yes. but not some scandal that will rock hc for 20 years to come. maybe i'll blog about it later when i've become less defensive about it. ALSO, some spiteful little tattle-tale told jt councillors were playing cards in council room even as the gs was palying the guitar. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. as wenhui put it, "we didn't even have time to use the toilet" let alone play cards. puh-lease. we were running around like chickens with their head chopped off. and at the time this tattle-tale syas she saw us, it was council dance performance. goosh. people nowadays. AND kelvin would kill us if we ever played cards in front of him. no kidding. he'd go, "you won't like me when i'm angry..." turn green, split his shirt and go on a crazy simian rampage. (obscure mish-mash of pop culture references)

further below on the downside though, my promos are downright disgraceful. not a single A. why? because of the 10 marks careless i lost in block test 2 and the 11+ marks i lost (carelessly again) in promo paper. why am i so dumb? i understand how ling feels... i just feel so stupid and so shallow and so dumb. and my competitiveness is rearing it's ugly head AGAIN. and i get so jealous of other's good results even though i know i'm supposed to happy for them. but i can't. and i hate never being good enough. i hate feeling inferior and inadequate. i hate feeling so untalented.

i guess that's why i lost my temper at you today. i hate it when people go on and on about how they suck WHEN THEY DON'T. i hate how you keep downplaying your piano when you're not exectly bad at it. you're much better than me. and you know it. i'm struggling over a piece for 6 months and you sight-read it like it's nothing. do you ever know how ignorant and inferior i always feel with you. because you're god-damned smart. you're capable. and you're talented. and i hate you sometimes for it (when i'm particularly down and i don't live up to my own expectations, the frustrations come out on you.) (and you know what the best thing is? you didn't even realise i was tearing and on the verge of crying on the bus.)

the philosophy of passage to india is proving itself true more often than not. it's not the first time i wondered if connections were possible.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:39 p.m. on Monday, October 21, 2002

i once said i always hated exam times because suddenly everyone's so stressed everyone becomes so cold. you realise that you're going up against everyone else in the bid for good results and s papers and what not. and then you realise you hate the stupid rat-race, and how pointless it all seems. but you always negelect one little detail: you are part and product of this rat race that you so abhor. face it. stressed over results, over papers. every year a major preoccupation is good results. it eclipses everything at this time. love, family, friendship. and then you feel so empty. there's no joy in life. it's just a battle day after day, cramming things into your head. sometimes even things like lit become a test of memory, not insight. (unless you're min, in which sheer brillance will get you through.) i feel so unfulfilled. and then of course little things now get you upset. and you get angry with people over little things only to get angry with yourself for being so petty. and then there are just times when i feel i hate you so much and i miss you so much and i'm just so lonely sometimes. it doesn't have anything to do with having anyone physically around... it's much more than that. it's just this thin papery feeling (no pill can kill). of inadequacy. of insecurity. of isolation. and then i hate you again.

you. both of you.

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:53 p.m. on Sunday, October 6, 2002

a little over 12 hours to my lit paper. and i am petrified. there's so much for plath to remember... and passage to india too. i love passage to india... but it so massive i can never do a decent essay without having to refer to the book. the movie didn't help much... they had modified the story too much... and i'm sure my ignoring of much ado now shall haunt me too. it's my first major lit exam in two years... and oddly people think i'd do well (they don't know i've been fudging. i always have. charlatan. -sigh-) honestly. and then when there are fnny exoectations to live up to (set by both yourself and everyone) you can't fall. (to quote raining.) not when everyone's watching.

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:22 p.m. on Sunday, October 6, 2002

my mind has completely disintegrated in the aftermath of that devastating math paper. i like math. i do. and i was always pretty okay in math. and i thought promos would be alright... but it wasn't. i don't know what happened to me. my mind just froze. i did pointless steps and i skipped a 5 mark question i could easily have done. there's no way in hell for an a. hell even b seems unlikely. or c, for that matter. i don't see what's the point in setting the damn paper so hard. and i don't know what happened to me. like i just couldn't think anymore. ap/gp was so easy and so straightforward. yet it took me 15 minutes to weed out all my stupid mistakes. there were so many questions that i could have cleared so much faster but i took twice the time on them. i hate myself so much now. couldn't stand to be around people anymore so here i am in the library. an island. quietly typing away. i'm not even finding plath to talk about... plath later. just drained. emptionally and mentally and physically. i look like a god-forsaken panda -_- damn. damn. damn.

ailin had the last laugh @ 11:49 a.m. on Friday, October 4, 2002

survived gp and econs and phy-sicks... so i guess i'm always nearing the end ^__^ gp was utterly draining... and i have a really bad feeling about the aq... econs was alright... maybe a C? provided i didn't flub my drq that badly... and physics... oh -bitter laugh- where should i start?

i should start trusting my dreams... dreamt of 2d kinematics and thermodynamics and what comes out for essay question? 2d kinematics and thermodynamics. -keels over- maybe i'll pass... it's a long shot... but -crosses fingers- let's hope there's at least MAJOR moderation... and, on the plus side, ^_^ i only got 3 wrong for mcq (so sayeth sean, almighty physics god) heh.

watched 8 women instead of mugging math... incredibly cheesy and campy. ^__^ but if you're a sucker for old musicals, you have to watch it. really strong lesbian themes though... and i think the chambermaid's hot. she's not conventional pretty... but i just think she's really sexy... >_< oh no.

should buck up though. today's complacency shall come back to haunt me. i'm sure of it.

-plods off to watch tv-

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:02 p.m. on Thursday, October 3, 2002

oh bugger. icq's died on me again. sorry raining dear... it always give out halfway through our conversations... it seems... >_< i'll talk to you after promos ne? need tuition for the big O?

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:15 p.m. on Sunday, September 29, 2002

it's damned freaky. twice now. twice has the picture of me and my brother fall over by itself. of course being the rational peeps that my parents are, they promptly found tonnes of possible theories for this phenomena. dad finally took the photo out and placed it in his room.

why must we label and name everything in life? isn't it pointless asserting control over these things sometimes? why can't life just be left a mystery (or a muddle? then again... isn't a muddle a mystery? or perhaps, there is no mystery, there is no muddle. or maybe they are the same. or maybe we all are mysteries.)

heh. tres godbole, ne? too much passage to india. i've decided that to study for it, i shall rent the video. kakakakaka.

-sigh- today was grossly unproductive. only crawled through market structures. shall attempt to finish that LDMR ding today...

miss my monkey. >_< -woffle-

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:07 p.m. on Sunday, September 29, 2002

i realise it's been 3 months since you left. sitting in your room now. it looks different. your paintings are all up, your bedsheets smooth and crisp and never used never slept on. we froze time in your room, you know? we froze it and it's still here. it's always here. waiting. waiting and waiting for you to come back and use it. i don't think of your absence much in school. somehow it seems so surreal, like you're still in ns... you'll only come back on a weekend. (weekends passed. where are you?) do you know dad can't stop talking abt you, or thinking about you? do you know mum cried over you again last week when she was sick? do you know dad's starting to blur the line between you and me? he actually said i was from vj. and just now he tried to coach me in driving (like he coached you.)

stupid boy. three months down the road i still hate you for leaving us.

and to think i was reflecting earlier how i'd seem to have reached a state of nirwana over promos. tsk. tsk.

curiouser and curiouser.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:23 p.m. on Thursday, September 26, 2002

i wish i could be like ziliang and say that i've been feeling more detached to my surroundings... but not quite. life's been pretty easy-going lately... relationship wise. people seem to be so focused on promos no one bothers with petty li'l squabbles anymore. which pretty much suits me fine, because lately i've had a strange compulsion to just throw everything away and travel light. i guess why i like hanging with the lit guys so much is because i have fun, and i laugh and we play and we're pretty okay friends but there's no deep emotional strings attached. no silks to hold me down. just breeze in for a good time. not that i wish all relationships i have to be like this but sometimes i just want to break free and just indulge in mindless shallow natter.

and i realise how much i enjoy the solitude i get on bus rides home now. especially after we pass dhs... then the surroundings become so familar (even more so when i finally see it by daylight) and it's just sentimentality taking over you, and you relish those simple secondary school days. (i couldn't wait to leave and now that i've left i wish i could go back.) and sometimes it's just sad as you pass by the old coffeeshops and cafes and you realise those places you used to patronise just closed down. like they had no reason for existing anymore because we all went our separate ways. like the memory ended and the scenery just packs up and leaves to leave space for new backdrops for the future.

maybe i'm thinking too muuch again. but i just like looking out of the window at the grey sky and just contemplate the great mysteries of life.

which is not to say i'm not totally freakingspazzingpanicking out/over promos. i'm god-damned fricking scared. and i realise i'm running out of time and running low on self-control and just in really really big doo-doo.

want. to. die.

ailin had the last laugh @ 11:18 p.m. on Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Celebrated MAF over at ickle jono's place yesterday... thought it might be a tad bit boring but it didn't ^__^ and had a pretty good time. watched unfaithful... ad i realise the big hoo-ha over it was utterly uncalled for... it's not as raunchy as i had thought it'd be... and to quote sharon "cheat my mo~ney!" then i watched the matrix ^__^ finally, i get to watch it and i actually got the hang of the plot even though i drifted off at some parts, got distracted at some parts (-shoots look at kel's direction- we are the biggest pervs in the world.) and couldn't catch dialougue (luckily jono memorised the entire thing). really cool show.

feeling quite drained now... mugged physics so i polished off all the theory... just need to practice... gonna take a shower then doing econs tys. i feel like i should be panicking over promos and yet i feel eerily calm. this is bad. should buck up. been really distracted lately. must start mugging.

-dies-

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:30 p.m. on Sunday, September 22, 2002

haven't been blogging much lately, not here, not at my lj. nothing much to say (well actually there is, but to put it down on paper would be reducing it to nothing. and besides, i don't need to justify myself to you.) many many things happening. nothing much out of the ordinary, watched a movie, went through a Friday 13th (TM), bummed around, studied, mugged (yes, there's a difference), mull over many things (ah yes, thinking Too Much. my favourite pastime in the world.)

things Happened today. ended up quite confused and sad and angry over different things and different people...just thought i'd say some things (though they'd never see...)

pooh bear, i never really fathomed how much you gave up for this class and for these 26 other people (including moi). listening today, i feel so selfish for telling you to stay. and i feel so ungrateful for never really appreciating your presence. when the reality that you might really leave sank in i did tear a bit... because... what can i say? you've become a valuable friend. you're our grumpy bear, taking away the rainclouds so we got sunshine (^_^) always there for a laugh. always there when i'm in trouble. always there to help and give me support. i remember something you said about friends, how you often went for quality, not quantity... i hoped i've been as good a friend to you as you have been to me... and i won't really tell you what to do, because advice is Dangerous, and sometimes words are just alphabets jumbled up. and i can't tell you it'll be ok (because i'm not so sure myself) and i can't tell you to do your best (because it'll just be another raincloud hovering around you) so i guess i only can say this to you: no matter how the outcome, remember i'm always here for you. remember i'll always support you. and remember... -violins play- -Really Deep Voice- yooooou've gooooot aaaaa frrrrrieeeeend in meeeeee!!! -pat pat-

and dear... through our 'talk' today... i don't know. -smile- ended up flattered yet disturbed and touched and loved and confused and i suppose i should finish the sentence i had started: only when i let you go did i realise how much i didn't want to. i realise sometimes i whine a lot about being depressive and not making you happy and i realise that i am depressed more often than not by choice and i can do something about this if i want to if i choose to and i realise i do want to make this work out because there's no point if i always sit around and feel insecure and think we can't make it and then i just sit back and let him make it come true and blame him for everything wrong in my life. (no. i'm not going to start praising God anytime soon, don't worry.) so yeah. -grin-

"Step off!
Step off seven leagues, like those distances

That revolve in Crivelli, untouchable"

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:46 p.m. on Thursday, September 19, 2002

MAF is over. and it feels as empty as it sounds... most feedback about it has been good, but not stellar... but i guess that's what to be expected...

it started ok... rained a bit, then the sun came down full force. and all looked fine. firball was done, centrepiece was up and straight (or as straight as it could possibly) and i met yijun and huiying with mel and all seemed fine. then maf started, and council dance was brilliant ^___^ my mind blanked out temporarily... but i think i managed to cover it up pretty well. and everything was great. it was song session, i took photos using my brother's lomo...

and then it rained.

i have to hand it to us though. i think we all dealt with it really well. how some ran to fountain to help out, and sherwayn calmly split the crowd into 2 venues for mass dance. and i remember at the audi, we were so far from the sound systems that we couldn't hear the music, nor janice. and we just kept dancing. in the end, we danced time of your life completely without any music, just with everyone shouting commands. and we did wild wild west twice, and i managed to do the whole thing without feeling tired, despite the shouting and jumping and turning, my body just running on pure adrenaline from a desperate hopelessness.

I wuld have been fine. if not for the fact that i relised i'd lost my camera. my brother's camera. that had my brother's photoes on it. and i realised i might have just lost the final link to my brother i still had. and when asking around failed to yield it, it all came crashing down. and i just broke down. in front of everyone, including the 28th. and that's where it started to go wrong. once i started, i couldn't stop. suddenly everything that was wrong, rain on maf, losing the camera became related to my brother's death and i couldn't stop. kelvin quickly ushered me off to the council room out of the public eye... but i couldn't stop. and then much later, for final debrief, looking at mafco... i felt so sad for them... how much they had put into maf... no one will ever know... and then the waterworks started again.

now the greatest thing i regret is crying in public. i wasn't supposed to. it can rain, and people can feel sad, but not councillors. and most think i was cut up over maf. they probably think i'm too emotional and fragile and delicate (to quote david) and i supposed i could tell them the truth, but like the line from the hugh grant movie "about a boy", telling the truth leads to a lot more questions. and then a whole lot of questions might end up as a Big Deal. and i don't want that to happen. and i have no idea how i'm going to reclaim my reputation now.

but still, though i have a lot of regrets for myself, i'm still proud of the 29th students' council. for reacting so fast, and relaying instructions and helping each other out.

i'm proud of mafco. david, sean, xinpei, wenjie, lin hai, kaiwen, cexiang, ramnik, yisheng, weiliang and melanie. i'm proud of all the heart they poured into the event. i'm proud of all their efforts just so people can enjoy 4 short hours of maf.

i'm damned proud of janice. it was really difficult leading dance in the audi, where most people were disinterested, and the mood wasn't there because we couldn't hear the music, but she still led the dances. she still cheered. and she took the initiative to do time of your life without music. and people danced. and that was what mattered. i'm also proud of all the councillors in the audi: sir hong, huijun, kaiwen, weisi, kelvin, ramnik, zhiming, wenhui, meina. for yelling all the steps, and remaining hyped up.

i'm proud of the 29th. i'm proud of all the late nights, all the work sessions, all the black-outs, the short circuits, the electric shocks, the rope burns, the rashes, the groundings, the broken bulbs, the messy council room, the stench of kerosene, the hoistings and rope tyings over and over and over again in the hot sun, the awful food we had to pay for, the yelling, the crying and the grand light-up.

7 september 2002, Mid autumn festival. we made it. maybe not exactly according to plan. but we made it.

and after all, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

ailin had the last laugh @ 05:23 p.m. on Sunday, September 8, 2002

"you know, ailin, those who sit on the fence fall off it."

how true.

i try so hard to please the both of you, i really do. i know you hate me spending time with him, so i try not to. i know you don't like him, so i never mention his name in front of you. i try not to talk to him when you're around. i try to stay away from him when you're around. i don't dare to approach him if you're watching. i try to keep quiet during lessons if i sit next to him so i don't enjoy myself and you don't get angry. i'm always so scared you'll get angry i try to stay away. and if i do spend time with him, i stay away from sight. i snap at him for following me, and i resent his showing concern to me, because i'm just so scared you'll get pissed.

and i try to spend time with you. i try to make it not that obvious that i'm pushing you away. i try to make you happy. i try to keep it in. i try to cheer you up. i try not to show my depression or my sadness and i always try to act cheerful and happy. i honestly do. and i'm so sorry if i had snapped at you or pushed you away... and i'm sorry that i hurt you by not eating even though i'm hungry.

but it just occurred to me, that i succeeded in pleasing neither of you. i can't have dinner with you, without the other getting upset. so i just wanted to stay away. i just wanted to not eat. to just sit alone. to just not join in any festivity. to look like i was all alone and not spending time with either so the both of you won't get mad or feel hurt.

and then when we went into the central plaza for the lighting up, and everyone was eating ice-cream, i felt so alone and isolated and out-of-place and i realise that it was my fault anyway and i didn't have a choice and i just felt crummy. never mind i didn't have dinner and didn't finish my lunch. i flatly refused to eat ice-cream and just sat alone. then ling came along and asked if i was fine, and all i did was nod. then she went, "just feeling sentimental, i suppose." and then i thought of my brother again, and how we were going to visit his grave the next day, and that he just isn't here anymore. and that he'll never come to maf like i asked him to. he'll never see my banner or my city gates. or the centrepiece i helped out with, or the 800 lanerns strung across the central plaza. he'll never see my work. he'll never see what the hell i was so busy with. or the hc i had described to him. because he's just not there anymore.

and i felt even worse, and i just missed him so much and i felt utterly lonely that i just started crying. and once i started i couldn't stop because i thought of how i'd messed things up with everyone. with sharon with mel with my old dhs friends with my primary school friends with council and even with kelvin. and i realised how many relationships i had botched and i really had no one to blame but myself and i was just tired and i just wanted to get the hell out of there and just be someone else anywhere else. and i realised how much i really depended on my brother for being my guide to JC life. and i just wanted to see my brother so much all of a sudden because he would always be there and he would always be indifferent and impartial to the sharon-kelvin issue and i just missed him so much-- it hurt so badly.

and then people started realising what was wrong, and they came over... my head was lowered so i didn't realise who was there, but i know for sure that there was lin hai and vic and aishu and yexiang and ramnik and nat... and in a way it was better, but in a way it was worse... because i frankly didn't want anyone around me then... but at least they made me laugh... and vic told me to make yexiang dance in the fountain. but i changed it so all he had to do was the council dance in front of the fountain and had a good laugh over that... felt a lot better... and then i joined mafco in taking a photo because hell, i'd sold my soul to maf so i was practically a mafco member i suppose.

but i was still feeling rather depressed and it didn't help kelvin was no where in sight throughout the entire incident, so i supposed he was still upset over my indifference to his concern. and after that as they were testing fireball i sat down with kelvin and talked a bit... but i still resented myself greatly and felt awful. and yet in a way i was resentful of his lack of concern to my crying (he'd heard about it from huijun and yang and gang.) but i suppose i only have myself to blame for that. i suppose i did hurt him greatly, even though i promised myself to stop upsetting him, i only make it worse all the time.

i don't know. i moped around all day pondering this matter and i realise i cannot make everyone happy. i cannot please sharon and kelvin and myself all at the same time. i don't know. it only got better later in the evening when kel msg-ed to tell me i didn't have to, and that he'd support me (no matter what, i suppose. even after what i did.)

-sigh- on the other hand i noticed the effect obs had on all of us. made us accustomed to feeling dirty and hot and sticky, and teaching us how to tie knots and how to live and interact with one another in close proximity.

i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. probably end up sitting with kelvin and pissing sharon off again, i suppose. damn it.

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:37 p.m. on Sunday, August 25, 2002

friday
i don't get why i suddenly feel like crying.

or maybe the day started off wrongly, where my father flatly refused to drop us further up frint even though he would be passing by there ultimately.

where i woke up late and ended up delayed by 10 minutes.

where i pissed sharon off inadvertently. again.

or maybe it was being the weak-willed snivelling little thing that i was, i succumbed to temptation and ate a peanut butter sandwich in class.

and it ended up upsetting you and i hated myself for that.

maybe it's because i ate even though i had the impulse to starve myself.

maybe it's because i can hardly finish my work and yet i still can't get started.

maybe it's because i feel grossly untalented. i look back at 13-14 years of piano lessons and wonder if they ever amounted to anything.

i look at the peeps playing guitars and singing and wonder why i seem to only be able to carry a tune in the sanctuary of my own bedroom where i'm all alone and no one can hear me.

and i wonder why i suddenly think of my brother and i realise i miss him so much and that he's gone.

and i hate myself because i'm so untalented, and self-conscious.

i hate how i always bring you down.

i never make you happy.

i always upset you. i always hurt you.

i hate myself.

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:21 p.m. on Sunday, August 25, 2002

"and now we've degenerated into best friends."

i didn't quite mean to say that, as in i never consciously thought about it, but when i was talking to audrey it just slipped out, and i don't know if it was a freudian slip or what... but now i keep thinking about it... do i only treat you as a best friend now?

abused myself quite a bit today... refused to take medication for my cold, forced out a fever, refused to eat (wasn't planning to, until kel bought me a milky bar which i couldn't resist...), and worked on myself until i was completely miserable and angry with people. i don't know why i do this sometimes. i don't know why i set booby-traps for the people i care about, so they can walk right into it and make me angry so i can hate them completely and then hate myself for doing so. i don't know why i act like this... why i lie to you and then hate you for not knowing what's wrong...

so many things to say, but nothing comes out right. i think the increasing paranoia over who's reading my blog has taken it's toll. i can't seem to quite rant and rail as freely as i did back in my LJ days... -sigh-

i suppose this will be the last entry i type in pitas for a while... i'm not taking a hiatus from blogging... just retreating to my more private LJ because too many things going on in my life that i want to blog about involve people who know my blog, and i don't feel comfortable talking about it here...

but i'll be back... one day...

i hope.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:20 p.m. on Tuesday, July 30, 2002

whee. today i learned more than i have ever learnt in two years of bio lessons. h_H therefore, today, 17 july 2002 shall be dubbed "learning day" and shall be known as this forever more.

-cracks up-

(and i'm still thinking of questions, darling...)

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:24 p.m. on Wednesday, July 17, 2002

i'm just so tired of this. (boy, that's a new one.)

i'm tired of feeling angry at the both of you (for two different reasons... one gives me too much attention the other ignores me.) and i'm so sorry for being unbearably spiteful today.

and i'm sorry. for whatever i did. i don't even know anymore. maybe i'm a little thick and insensitive sometimes... but honestly sometimes i really don't know what i did wrong. and i'm a livingbreathingfeeling human being for god's sakes and it hurts when you just pointedly ignore me and give me the cold shoulder ESPECIALLY when i HONESTLY don't know what i did wrong. i'm tired of trying to talk to you sometimes but not knowing when you're not angry with me. and i HATE being ignored. and i know there ARE things i do that genuinely call for you to be angry... but sometimes i really don't know. and it always hurts when you just glance at me and look away barely acknowledging what i say (even though it's a civil greeting.) and i don't even want to try anymore. i'm sorry for not calling you to come over to venezia with me for ice cream yesterday. the thought crossed my mind, and if it were any other day, i would've... but that morning you just ignored me completely and dao-ed me... and i got so irritated because i really couldn't think of anything i did intentionally that was so irking, so i consciously made the decision not to call you along... on hindsight it was spiteful and completely uncalled for... and i'm sorry for that. and i'm so tired of just patiently waiting for you to finally notice that i'm there when you're less pissed with me and start talking. i'm just tired of waiting and waiting for you to approach me when you feel better and i'm so tired of trying to break the ice sometimes when you're angry. so i just gave up. i may be aunt aggy to a lot of people (at a point in time to you too). but i can't take this anymore. and maybe i just don't understand people the way i should. maybe i really am completely THICK and OBLIVIOUS to other people's feelings and maybe there have been many an occasion where i should've just apologised. but pleasepleaseplease tell me exactly what i did wrong. it was so awkward today because i didn't even know whether you were done being pissed with me. so i just kept quiet and waited for you to make the first move to talk to me because i'm just too scared to try anymore. and in the end we just didn't talk much. and goddamnit it hurts because we used to get along pretty well (you were one of the closest friends i had at hc) and now i'm just completely confused.

and as for you. i realise i've been treating you the way the other person treated me... when i got angry... i never tell you what's wrong. i just ignore you pointedly and i'll admit it was intended to hurt and that was spiteful of me too. and i'm so sorry for the way i treating you this way in the past too. but i guessed i said all there really was to be said in the sms. there's a lot more i wanted to say... but i guess it's not important now.

and i feel horrible about yuankai. and i hate the fact that while i want to things to remain the same... i'm changing too. and i just don't know what to say to him. everything will sound so trite. especially when i'm one of the reasons for everything changing. and in a way i hate council for that. and i hate it i can't see my non-council friends anymore. i hate that i had to cancel my dinner with huiying and yijun and nicole for council. and i hate not having time to properly talk to them, especially mel and audrey. (what's the damn point of coming to school together everyday but never having a chance to talk properly?)

it's stupid for wanting constancy. but i can still wish can't i?

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:38 p.m. on Saturday, July 13, 2002

i've been thinking lately (ailin's alter-ego: oh no! everyone hide!) since my brother, till now... a lot of things. of afterlife, and religion, and humans. of council, of people i know, and of alienation and loneliness.

yvette had asked me if i believed in the afterlife... truth be told, i had never really thought about it (neither had yvette... till my brother's death...) and she was saying something like (forgive me, my memory is fuzzy) 'what if when i die, i can't find him. or if i die, there's absolutely nothing. and i can never see him again.' which is interesting... because i never seriously contemplated it. i can't even give you a straight answer to whether i believe there's a heaven or not. in a way, i'd like to believe there is a heaven... but in a way, maybe i'm too jaded by religion into thinking that there pretty much is nothing after death. there's a huge blackout, and then you die. you just shut down. there is nothing after that. you have no consciousness. it's just a total blackout.

and i've been contemplating the loopholes in the bible and i know i may be stepping on a few toes here (but i mean no disrespect really.) i was never a christian or anything... i was a deist [sp?] (thanks to pak for enlighting me about the proper term to describe my belief) as in a believed there is a god, a greater power... but in a way, i don't think he actually interferes in our piddly affairs. and i have a few questions to ask about the christian god... mostly about why he would let us be born into this world to suffer. why are people born to die? does he truly love us as the bible teaches? if he does, then why do such heartbreaking things happen in life? i don't understand the concept of letting people live when their ultimate destination is death. it almost seems like we're just little puppets in this game, where we're just checkmate-d any moment the player feels like off-ing us. i don't know. but to each his own, i say. i don't force people to accept my point-of-view, so don't force yours on me.

and another interesting point that was brought up to me, was someone telling me, "it's only at occasions such as these [funerals] that you realise who your true friends are." which is quite true in a way... the sincerity with which people treat you at times like these, the help and support they offer... it's quite obvious who genuinely cares and who doesn't. and it's also interesting to see the change in the way people treat you... but at the same time, very telling. i realise now that under his upper-class civility and sensibilities, uncle bill is actually a really nice, personable fellow. in a way, i think he and aunt joan realise that even though we direct relations, we never had much contact. they never got to know us, and they never will know my brother. i guess they're trying to compensate for that, by popping by to check if i'm fine, and telling me to visit them more often to play with their dog. and people like rudy, who genuinely care... and take time to kneel down and talk to the girl on the sofa and telling her to take care and adjust to the change of having 'someone you grew up with just disappear from your life'. and i guess now i realise how well-loved my parents are. how their hospitality to all our indonesian relations truly endeared them to all... the overwhelming turnout was surreal... and in a way, they helped us to cope with the other guests by bustling around and bringing indonesian kueh and dumplings.

on a more current note... in a way, i realise that i'm quite alienated from council. aside from sharon and kelvin... i am close to no other council peeps... never quite talked to them, never quite got to know them... and i realise that since i don't know them/talk to them, i've more-or-less been labelled as 'kelvin's girlfriend' or 'art director'. so you see, i have no real identity... i'm just kelvin's girlfriend. i'm just the person in charge of paints and brushes and aesthetics in council. got any art work to do? never mind. just ask kelvin to ask me to help out, even though i'm standing right there too. i probably don't have a thought in my pretty little head. i just listen to my boyfriend. he's the brains behind this whole operation.

i don't know. somehow i've lost all confidence in myself. i can't just strike up conversations with people i don't know that well anymore. there are so many peeps in council i never had proper conversations with. or are unable to strike up proper conversations with.

i'm just feeling more and more alienated from everything. i'm not even close to my class anymore. rarely spend time with them. and there aren't even class outings anymore (i wonder whatever happened to the bottle we buried there.) and i feel exhausted and drained. and i feel so tired of being funny, or being happy, or laughing. it's just so tedious now. i don't feel fulfilled no matter what i do. be it council work or my ever-growing pile of tuts and leftover holiday homework. nothing quite makes me delirious with happiness anymore. nothing makes my heart race. nothing makes me feel a proper emotion without feeling empty. it used to be so simple, at obs, where tuts and bts were miles away, where we could just sit down and i could just lean on your knee, and you could just run your fingers through my hair. and everything would be alright. but everything just leaves me feeling hollow and empty now. nothing seems to really make me feel fulfilled.

maybe you affected me more than i think you could.

maybe i'm just pushing the blame to you.

you still smile out as i walk by the room. your face with it's youth and exuberance captured in it.

and i say 'hi' to you every morning as i go to school. and i say 'goodnight' as i go to bed.

and i missyouhateyouloveyou all at once. you broke all our hearts, you know that? you broke all our hearts.

and i wish and i wish and i wish that i can let you go.

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:24 p.m. on Saturday, July 6, 2002