i said goodbye to you today. forever. i watched as they lowered the coffin in, as they flung flower petals over it, as the poured dirt on it. and i said good-bye for the last time.

lots of feelings today. on loss, on death, on religion, and on you and the people who knew you. but i'm too tired and drained... so blogging shall take place tomorrow...

p.s. thanks for the email grace. -smile-

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:42 p.m. on Monday, July 1, 2002

i really miss you sometimes. especially when there's a blackout. i always find myself waiting for you to turn on the power switch... and i can almost see you moving from your room and turning it on... then trying to open my room to help me turn on the air-con so it won't get too stuffy... only alas, my room is locked thanks to my paranoia -smile- only now i wish i could still hear you trying to bang down my door... and hear you curse and yell at me... how i wish you were still around to yell at me.

do you know you're everywhere in this house? especially in your room. it's like you never left. everything's just waiting for you to return. and i see your face smiling out at me (from various stages of your life) on shelves on the piano on the walls on the tv. and it looks so right.

somehow news has spread everywhere. probably the entire dhs and vjc population know by now... not to mention my brother's bmt company and current campmates... apparently rumours fly and even yijun and huiying caught wind of it...

i realise that sometimes, it's not so much the missing that makes me sad... i can miss him... and long for him... but still be fine (as in there's an ache but no sharp pokey pains) but it's the reaction of others that make me sad... and i realise how much my brother impacted their lives, and how much he meant to them too.

and it's times like these i realise how much i truly appreciate my friends. they drive me up the wall sometimes, but i still love them. really... a call out to all who dropped a note... or offered to drop by the funeral... desmond (can't believe he remembered me fondly enough to want to come), zhiying, lilian, alanna, esther, sharon, yijun and huiying and especially, charmaine, kelvin, audrey and mel. you guys all mean so much to me. especially now, i realise how much i do truly appreciate you all. the love and support and encouragement that you give me makes a hell lot of a difference.

yvette came over yesterday, and we sifted through some of his stuff... realised how little i truly knew about my brother. broke down once... but felt a lot better. blogging too... it's like catharsis in a way, i guess. you just purge youraself of all the feelings... even if temporarily only. i feel better talking to yvette and all my friends than talking to family. i don't know why. maybe i'm in no state of emotional health to be there for people who were too close to family... or maybe i feel more comfortable unloading on people closer to my age. sometimes i just want to be alone away from family. i don't know why.

it gets worse at nights, the missing. but i know there's nothing i can do now. i could have changed a million things on hindsight, but no point thinking of that now... is there.

thinking of you.

ailin had the last laugh @ 02:53 p.m. on Saturday, June 29, 2002

somebody make the tears stop.

please.

ailin had the last laugh @ 11:36 p.m. on Thursday, June 27, 2002

i don't know how to start this entry. or maybe this is a start already... the news came in on tuesday, confirmed on wednesday, and somehow... everything's just changed

and the point is, i knew you all my life... we went to so many places... and there are memories everywhere. i remember how much you love to visit supermarkets, and how you always bought funny confectionary/weird hams/artificial stuff. i remember how i used to sit on the sofa at our tampines flat when we were young, and i used to watch you slowly dismantle toys with a screwdriver. i rememeber how you once said, "i exercise. i exercise a lot. everytime ailin chases me, i run." i remember barcelona man, and how we fought for that stupid sticker. i remember you bringing me to Spoon on thanksgiving, and how we ordered so much food i was threatening to kill you if i couldn't fit into my pants. i remember christmas at kintaro sushi, and how you had played with the tiger. i remember Really Loud Drumming. i remember how i heard that a boy in my primary school had broken his nose and i returned to find it was you. i remember how your cough sounded like and how i always could tell it was you even when the hall was filled with people. i remember the noisy way you blow your nose and how it drowned out all other sounds. i remember how we always ended up humming the same song to ourselves throughout the day (never knowing it was the same one until we got home.) i remember 'DHS SUX'. i remember your crazy ideas and the funky things you and jiehan and ian always got up to. i remember shipping you off to army. i remember your passing out, and how me and mama and papa had to run down in the rain, dig you out from your company (ninja) and put on your cap for you. i remember your lofty christmas ideals about ham and turkey. i remember british comedies, how you loved them, how i did too, and how i ended up taping them religiously for you because you were in the army. i remember tin tin. i remember how you psycho-ed me into x-files cards. i remember how much you love to eat at those little restaurants along katong.

and i can go on remembering everytime you pissed me off, everytime you made me cry, everytime i hated you, and everytime i really appreciated having a brother like you.

and i can go on and on forever.

like kelvin said today, "you have 16 years of memory." wrong, actually. 17 years. of memory. of resenting you and loving you (yes, i did. is that hard for you to believe?) and 17 years of memory don't just go away.

"you know he loved you a lot." yvette had said.

i do. and i loved him too. i never said it out. but i did. but i don't know if he knew.

i love you. and i miss you so much. it hurts so much that i never can see you again.

i miss you. a lot. it hurts.

and i'm so scared that i'll forget. everything. 17 years memory can fade slowly.

why did you have to go away? i always saw you in my future. i always did.

i love you so much.

good bye.

in fond memory :: chin yaoping (1981-2002)

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:17 p.m. on Thursday, June 27, 2002

damn it. i think i just freaked kelvin out. note to self: marriage is not something you should joke about.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:47 p.m. on Friday, June 21, 2002

FINALLY! i'm back from a really long break... left for australia on the 28th, got back on the 11th, left for obs on the 12th and got back yesterday...

in a way, i'm glad to be back here, where everything is familar and within reach... but coming back means that reality steps in again...

-sigh-

i don't even know when to start. so many things have happened... so many thoughts, and feelings and yet i don't quite know where to start... my australia holiday seems so long ago...

maybe i should just skip that... let's go to obs.

obs was... and experience. i never thought i'd survive. i'm not an outdoor athletic sort of person... i fear heights, the dark, people, and everything that obs could possibly have had to offer... and yet, now at the end... i can say that it's an experience i will never forget... and that i don't regret. i'll probably never go through anything like that (not that i want to)... but obs was an entire way of life... i never knew how much it impacted me until i got back on the mainland yesterday... suddenly all this technology you see is so wondrous. the sights that you passed by everyday is so comforting. the people in your life mean much more... and you realise that you have a lot more in you than you might have not knew...

it would be easy to dissect those 9 days i spent... and pore over each activity... but is there a point? maybe it's better if we just let everything get hazy with time... so the bad bits get toned down, and the good bits get better with time as a coat of sheen... but for the last time, so i move on...

"you will never discover new oceans unless you learn to lose sight of the shore"
washington . LJ
bad food . no appetite . heartache
seven-tenths of a rock wall . cheering
falling behind time . LJ pissed
tents that leaked
getting up at insane hours
hiking with a 55kg backpack . 5.4km in 1.5 hours ^_^
unclean . tired . sweaty . powder baths . sleeping with insects . no water . no facial wash . spilling water in the tent
missing sharon (to talk crap to) . missing kel (to lean on)
not-so-solo solo . double day that led to triple night . do-it-yourself poker cards . wild boar . jun hao and janice -smile-
sea ex . art directors forever! . singing to take our minds off our fatigue . mark's beautiful steve tyler voice . "you and for me" to the power of n . the 'loveboat' . the awesome propelling power of 'love' . happy happy joy . sleeping under the stars on a poncho . how you stopped me from scratching -smile-
sharon's drowning incident(-- i'm very sorry. i don't know if you read my blog or not, but i know you know where it is... and i owe you a major apology... it's very cowardly apologising through the net rather than in person, but i'm very sorry... i shouldn't have done what i did that day...very sorry...)
trapeze jump . actually being able to grab the bar before slipping . crying non-stop after i did it, from fear? regret? happiness? pride? or just plain overwhelmed? . LJ patting my head and ruffling my hair and telling me "good try."
9km run . 4.5 km non-stop . thank you, vic ^_^ . vic's toilet stop
jetty jump . the eternity it took to hit water . poor time management . LJ threatening to kill us . clearing our store . finding my toiletries . returning home clean and fresh . helping junhao buy something for janice . the tearful end (why oh why am i always the only one crying in my group?!) . LJ patting my head-- again
tears . laughter . fatigue . relief . joy

end.

Washington 903 June 2002
xijie
andy
hong xing
radiah
syai
gena
wenqi
kaiwen
janice
junhao
lin hai
zhao qi
chin siong
david
me!

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:02 p.m. on Friday, June 21, 2002

wai lam once mentioned on her blog: Dreams are wishes your heart makes.

i dreamt of you last night. i dreamt that my brother told my mother and she broadly hinted that she wanted to meet my 'friend'. i dreamt that i called you. and then you were there. no hassle. no Other Business to take care of. i dreamt you talked to my mother. i dreamt how you stood up to her. i dreamt that even though at the end she didn't quite like you we were still undaunted. i dreamt i offered to walk you out. i dreamt that as we walked out, you held my hand like before. i dreamt we were prepared to face anything that might face us.

what was my heart wishing?

the dream made me smile a lot. audrey noticed it as i entered the car. but there's bitterness in that too. till now, i wonder if it was right. should i have just given up like i did. should i have let you go. was my dreaming hinting to me that i shouldn't have given up? was my dream some inner desire for us to work out no matter what we faced? i do not know. i talked to sharon, confided in her, for the first time in a while... she's back to the mellow, mature sharon i used to know. not emotional and trippy and pms-ing-all-the-time sharon. she said i shouldn't regret the decision once i had made it. true. after all... i did give it a lot of thought... didn't i?

i'm not the most emotionally stable person in the world. i'm insecure. very. i needed someone who could be there no matter what. i needed someone who could tell there was something wrong even if i said there wasn't. but it was unreasonable to ask that from you. so i kept it in. it hurt. that i couldn't confide in you, couldn't share your joys. i would like to be the perfect girlfriend, to provide a responsive, caring relationship, to be happy because you were happy. but i can't. i'm not that noble. i cannot be that noble. it always hurt me, everytime you talked about exco. it always hurt me, the way you always accepted my claim that everything was fine when it wasn't. it always hurt me that i couldn't tell you what was wrong, for fear i pull you down into my depression with me. it always hurt when i was with you. and i think it hurt you too. it's not easy to be with an emotionally unstable person who had bouts of depression so bleak they eclipsed everything else. and i truly am sorry. if we only hurt each other when we were together, it might be better to just take a short break.

i think this break might be good for us. i think i need to grow up emotionally, during this break. i think i need to learn to deal with my stress and my problems first, before i truly am ready to return to 'us'. before i feel emotionally mature enough to provide the kind of relationship that you need. in this year apart, i'll improve myself. i'll stop thinking too much and too deep. i'll learn to multi-task properly and DEAL with my problems rather than obssessing over it. hopefully we stll remain close in this year ahead. hopefully, when the year is over, we can still work out. -rueful smile- but i think we should be fine. judging by today, we still act like our old selves... just that we're not tied down by the term 'couple' and that we don't feel obliged to spend time with each other, so i can stop feeling hurt when you don't walk me out to the bus-stop, or when you don't have time for me, or i for you.

ganbatte. i miss 'us'... and i hope we can still work out in a year's time... (mayhaps i'm too idealistic but...) i still love you. and i will continue to.

good bye.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:23 p.m. on Monday, May 20, 2002

Presently, you are trying to break away from a situation that is causing you considerable worry and concern. Things are getting on top of you and you are feeling depressed almost to breaking point. Obviously there must be a way out - but at this time the solution seems to be escaping you. You want to 'get away from it all' and as a consequence you appear to be sullen and introverted and refuse to get involved in any discussion or arguments which could aggravate the situation. Accept the fact that 'as you feel - so your body will respond' and 'pretend' to the world about you that everything is going beautifully as, if you act as if 'all is going well' everything will, whether you believe it or not, work out as you would like it to.

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

All of your stress arises from lack of mutual understanding. The existing situation is unsatisfactory and you feel that you are unable to improve it without the help and co-operation of others. The need for understanding and for affectionate 'give and take' remains unsatisfied. You are experiencing the feeling of being 'handcuffed' - 'tied down' - 'hindered' - 'restrained' and this untenable situation is giving rise to impatience, irritability and the desire to escape from it all.

In the past your trusting attitude has often been misunderstood and so you have needed to protect yourself against your tendency to be abused and taken advantage of. As a consequence you possibly adopt an aloof and critical attitude and you are only willing to let your guard down once sincerity and trustworthiness can be assured.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:17 p.m. on Monday, May 20, 2002

got invested on tuesday. now i'm officially a student councillor (aka sitting duck in lectures)... how do i feel? i don't quite know. sometimes i wonder why i had ran in the first place. if anything, it was most probably to see if i could do something like council. if i could take up this kind of stuff. next would probably because i wanted to change things. does it sound very idealistic? i thought i could try to change things... but now you realise you can't. the principal (from what i've heard) blatantly hinted that council was to act on behalf of the admin for the students, not against the admin (which sucks big time.) and suddenly i feel so helpless, and so inadequate, and just drained. on thursday, immediately after invest and tourguide duties, i was wandering outside council room looking at people rush by; seniors crying, us bustling around. and then i met my faculty head, aaron. and suddenly i just felt very pained (the same feeling i had when simin pinned the badge on me and hugged me on stage) and then i looked at aaron, and i just went, "you know, me and sharon were talking, and we were saying the one we were going to miss the most is you..." and my voice just cracked on 'you' and i started crying right in front of him. poor aaron. he looked quite hapless, and he just patted my head, and told me to treasure my one term because it passes very fast. and then he left... (later i heard sharon looked for him and started crying too... aaron must have been quite befuddled on why girls would burst into tears just by talking to him...) and i just wandered around and stoned. took photoes with the 28th and 29th photojournalists and art directors. but i didn't put on the badge. i refuse to. it's stupid, isn't it. it's just a badge. and just because it's a different shape, suddenly i'm different from everyone. suddenly i'm some foogin 'role-model' and i can't slack off and i must be flamboyant and spontaneous 24/7. but no one seems to really care about that. everyone just put on their badge. to everyone it's the start of something wonderful and great. to me, it's like plath's belljar, cutting off my air. met bryan in the canteen. told him a bit of how i felt. -sigh- bryan's a really good friend to talk to. he tries to listen, and understand at the very least. (unlike some other people.) i don't know. i went around badgeless for the whole day. trapped in limbo, i guess. -cold laugh- the unwilling councillor.

and our first solo cheering session on friday was quite disastrous. we couldn't quite get the crowd hyped... and i didn't want to force people to cheer. i've... been there. i know how it feels to be dragged down unwilling for cheering. and i really didn't want to force people (of course, to some council peeps, that's not taking the initiative, and not being ra-ra.) but it became quite tiring emotionally, to just try to cheer, but not getting response. -sigh- went to dhs' kaeleidoscope performance. but that's under a different topic, so shall blog abt it later...

on saturday i was so relieved i was excused from cheering because i had SAT diagnostics. learnt hopw to strum some chords on the guitar (but realised that my psycho-motor coordination is a biiit skewed.) but when they returned, i heard it had been quite a success, and well, in a way i was happy we were improving, but i felt very detached from it. like it just wasn't my world. i just don't like cheering with others. as a council yes. not with others. kel on the other hand was quite sad he didn't get to go cheering, griped about it a bit. apparently he really enjoys cheering. -crooked smile- i don't know. just thought of lines from the plath poem, "A Birthday Present"... "If only you knew how the veils were killing my days./ To you they are only transparencies, clear air." -shrug-

had pubco informal after that. felt remotely productive. yexiang's my type of person i guess. we're both people who are used to depending on ourselves than others. and we're both greatly irritated by inefficiency and our inability to do anything about it. and i really felt sorry for yexiang, it was his first job as com chair, but he felt he messed it up... but we gave him some spontaneous applause though. i guess i really respect him now. if i had become com chair, i might have buckled already... i'll really give yexiang my support now though.

had dinner and then went home. felt worse if anything. had a lot on my mind. my pile of undone homework, my inability to understand physics and economics, council, my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and the fact that i had kept everything in and could feel alone even though i was with other people. i guess we all have our own problems and we can't deal with each other('s). broke down in the shower... cried a bit. then i called char... i know i've never really had a chance to say this, but thanks for being there. we're eerily alike (you know that.) and i guess that's why i feel that you can understand me better. our phone conversations really cheer me up. sometimes you need that voice from the past to really hear you. and happy birthday. in case i can't go online and see you next week. and council sucks up my free time... i felt a lot better. just worked out a lot of fears, insecurities and pain that i had bottled up, i guess... "the two of you aren't communicating" you said, or something to that effect. it's true. i think it's time i did something. -smile- that conversation last night/this morning really cleared a lot of things in my mind... thank you, again. -hug-

now that i finally let it out, i feel better. i think i'll try to clear my homework as best i can, and ask mr ho for physics remedial because i really need it. and then get organised with lin hai and clear art director stuff. -looks determined- yes. i will work hard and quash all inefficiencies in my life. starting with council... and then...

ailin had the last laugh @ 12:31 p.m. on Sunday, May 19, 2002

-smirk- -doesn't say anything-

ailin had the last laugh @ 12:29 p.m. on Sunday, May 19, 2002

~Piano~

The piano does not listen to me.
i am no master, only a tool for
it to voice its dissatisfactions.
i am unable to bend it to my will,
its keys are obstinate in the
refusal of obeying my touch. its
appassionato -- a torrid struggle
between my hand and its taut
taut strings. those hammers, how they
madly strike the strings as fingers fumble
clumsily on the keyboard, groping
blindly the ivory keys, the mind
mechanically devoting the noise to memory.
black. white. black white.
black black black.

I would gladly have drowned in the torrent--
the notes, hung limply on the staves, like
men in gallows, they mean nothing
to me. the music suffocates. it binds
my hands in its rapid movement, its swirling
scales -- aching to reach a heaven of
drowned tunes -- escalating.

The fortessimo melting into the final
sforzando -- that theatrical finale, that
big bang of hands pounding with futility
on the keyboard, the hammer snapping the
string like a child on reality. and in
the string's violent recoil it struck you
too.

it takes two hands to play Chopin,
but i have always better preferred Beethoven.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:12 p.m. on Sunday, May 12, 2002

colorgenics

Your mind is never at rest.You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard. Take it easy - remember, 'Everything comes to those who wait'.

Everything seems to be going against you at this time. Try as you may you are meeting with considerable resistance at every turn. Nothing is going as you would plan. The situation is difficult and you are trying to persist in your objectives against resistance. It would appear that you are being very secretive about your future plans just in case people around you try to thwart you.

There are times of everyone's life when 'compromise' is the name of the game and this is the time, so you have no alternative but to forgo some pleasures for the time being. You are capable of achieving satisfaction through physical activity.

All of your stress arises from lack of mutual understanding. The existing situation is unsatisfactory and you feel that you are unable to improve it without the help and co-operation of others. The need for understanding and for affectionate 'give and take' remains unsatisfied. You are experiencing the feeling of being 'handcuffed' - 'tied down' - 'hindered' - 'restrained' and this untenable situation is giving rise to impatience, irritability and the desire to escape from it all.

Matters are not all that they would appear to be and you are critical of the existing conditions which you feel are confused and disorganised. You are therefore looking for a modus operendi which will simplify the situation so that you will be able to see the 'trees in the woods'.

Find your emotion!

HO-HUM.

Which LOTR Woman are you?

suicidal tendencies? O_o;;

You are 40% evil! [?] You're more good than evil, but not by much. You've drank straight from the carton of milk in the refrigerator, and maybe kicked the neighbor's cat, but you're still good. Kinda.

-arches eyebrow-

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:58 p.m. on Monday, May 6, 2002

URGH. sharon's quite frankly pissing me off now... i guess i shouldn't have opened the pandora's box by asking kel if he wanted to come dhs with me, then sharon wouldn't have overheard it, and then she wouldn't have asked me to bring her instead. then i wouldn't have said that i would prefer kelvin go instead. then she wouldn't get pissed and start pointedly ignoring me for the whole day. then i won't get pissed with her over her getting angry over such a trivial matter. i mean, i practically spent the entire weekend with her. cheering and pubco outing and pubco jts and gp project. i didn't even talk to kel at all. so what's wrong if i want to spend a bit of time with him? and i laughed and meant it (partially) as a joke when i mentioned i'd rather spend it with kelvin... argh. (maybe i'm just trying to justify myself.) but sometimes i get so angry when she makes me feel guilty that i spend time with him. or when i sit next to him. or if i talk to him a lot. and i get really irritated that she doesn't tell me why she's pissed. she just closes off, turns her body so her back is facing me, if they pass some message down, she makes sure she blocks off my view as she reads it, and then passes it back without passing it to me, talk A LOT to the other people around her, ignoring me. urgh. if it weren't for the fact i have to work a lot with her in pubco, i'd just isolate myself completely. (i'd really rather have mel in council instead. mel would be so much more responsible and understanding... i rarely get to talk/sit next to mel now... but mel still understands. -sigh-) it's just kind of hard to ignore the bitterness she has towards me sometimes.

tomorrow is thankfully a lit day. finally, sanctuary from my class who somehow has changed into a class i never remembered being in. a class that has come undone at the seams and yet we keep trying to hold on to the frayed ends but the harder you pull the faster it comes undone.

ho-hum. ah well, at least i did decently for block tests. A-C-O-D. A cod. haha. and a b3 for gp. i guess i'm fine with that. which reminds me, i have a lit essay to do on plath. URGH. -gurgles- i'm gonna die. plath drives me up the wall.

as a sidenote, i would like to apologise to esther and dewen for lighting up like a goddamn christmas tree. and yesh i shall stop worrying and prepare for a hap-hap-happy tomorrow. (no, i'm not being sarcastic. i think it's a high time i stop being so insecure and paranoid and pessimistic. even poor normally-confident kel is starting to get affected.)

i shall be strong and be myself. and be honest. and spend more time with the friends i've been neglecting. and less time pretending i can get along with people i really can't.

banner-painting tomorrow. argh.

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:30 p.m. on Monday, May 6, 2002

URGH. i typed out a really long entry, but my compy died on me, so here i am again. -sigh- the following train of thought you see below was sparked off by some things some people said to me recently...

i call myself depressed. i am, in a way. i think too much. i worry incessantly over nothing. brood over past mistakes. endlessly wonder what others think of me. everyday on my way home and dissect every little thing i did in the day and find something wrong in there. then i magnify the problem and make sure i am positively miserable over it. then i reach home, depressed, and soaked to the skin with enough self-hate to ensure my day ends unhappily ever after, perfectly suited to my image.

but when you boil down to it... am i really depressed? am i acting depressed because i want to be? do i purposely sabotage every possible opportunity for me to be happy so i can remain UNhappy? do i really have things to whine about? am i creating problems for myself, because i have control over them. (unlike the ones that really are there.) am i really that afraid of feeling happy that i insist i am troubled all the time because no expectations=no disappointment? then what does that leave my life now, if everything i write about isn't really there? is my life really that empty and hollow? or am i still looking through the glass darkly?

maybe i should be happier. i should be ra-ra. i should stop thinking so much. stop caring. stop being everyone's blasted aunt aggy, that pillar of sensibility and support for anyone feeling down. i should stop people from unloading on me. (one more crucifix to bear, and it will kill me.) stop wallowing in self-loathing and pity and all things dirty. i should tell myself everything is fine. my life is great. what more do i need? boyfriend? check. family? check. cca? check. decent grades: ... check...? life: ... we'll get back to you. it's not that i'm completely unhappy. i've been fine. really. i'm happy. my life has been okay. i haven't felt jealous/possessive/proud in a long time. really. just detached. detached from everything. suddenly every little thing you do grates my nerves. i use to suppress that flicker of irritation everytime i got a bit pissed with you, but it just took someone to point it out and it came flooding out. familarity breeds contempt. i think we need a time-out. we still need to work with each other a lot. and it pays to be at least civil and on cordial terms. -- then again, who am i to say anything. i'm an awful friend. i neglect my old friends. i ignore them. i don't even know when they're there, when they're gone. i don't know that they're sick, i don't even notice they're missing from school. i don't msg them to ask if they're okay. i just bustle about my own existence as if mine was the only life important in the world and no one really existed. i suck. i suck to the core.

but other than the fact i feel utterly alienated from everyone, my life is great. happy happy joy joy. hap-hap-happy!

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:56 p.m. on Friday, May 3, 2002