haha... there should be more coming... like the grand council of a-squared (-looks meaningfully at audrey and mel and jas-) and promises of presents from sharon and elaine... ^__^

but after you get over the euphoria of learning that people care... it really hits you that you're a year older. time is slipping too quickly out of my grasp... jc, in a way is wo3 zui4 hou4 de4 xia4 tian1 (my last summer.) this sounds funny, but i don't want school to ever end. i don't want to go into university. i don't want to grow up. felt rather morose and drained, so me and kel just sat down outside the library and talked a lot. i realise our taste in things are really different... and that we tend to depress each other when were together... we always get so sad. and he went over to my old livejournal. and saw the poems there. -sigh- i don't know what he read into them... but he mentioned that they were very 'sad'. didn't elaborate, just responded with a poem on his blog. -sigh- i still can't bring myself to feel happy when we're together.

i'm all prepared to get F-O-O-D for my block tests... *beams* ah well, no expectations, no disappointments. after physics block today, i went to watch My Sassy Girl (korean film) with kelvin. it... started off really slow and labourous... but as it progressed it got better and funnier and yet sadder... but the ending was quite brillant. it all comes together in the end and it's only then you finally understand the film. left me feeling all warm and fuzzy all over. later had another long depressive chat with kel (maybe it's me. my depression reaches out and ensnares anyone i get close to.)

-sigh- but on a more hopeful note... i'll end with something sort-of adapted from my sassy girl: "fate isn't just about chance. fate is about building a bridge that will help you meet your love."

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:28 p.m. on Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Your view on yourself

The type of girl/boyfriend you are looking for.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship.

The seriousness of your love.

Your views on education

The right job for you.

How do you view success?

What are you most afraid of?

Who is your true self?

get to know yourself better

ho-hum.

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:30 p.m. on Monday, April 15, 2002

it frightens me sometimes how much you feel for me. i'm scared of how you feel... because if you feel so strongly in the beginning, there's a high chance all these will end. one day it will all fade away, and you realise there was nothing there in the first place. and i feel guilty, for dragging you in. perhaps it would all have been better if i had never asked you that question on tuesday. perhaps it would've been better if i had sounded less like i was persuading you to tell me. isn't it ironic, that at the end of the sms conversation we had you decided you didn't want to wait anymore but i decided i did? (ah, life always throws you a curved one.) i don't know. everytime i'm with you, i feel happy. i do. but the thought is always there. it's always in my mind, this voice, whispering to me that it won't last. whispering that one day you won't like me anymore. and that's what's holding me back. i know, that if i like you whole-heartedly, i will really love you. but that will make the heartache at the end many more times worse. i wish i could stick with my philosophy that we should just take the chance, but i can't. i'm just so numb to all this now. i've seen couples break. many of them in fact. and i know... the chance of us lasting is close to none... i just know, don't ask me how. i don't know. i don't want to hurt you, but at the same time i know it'll most likely be you hurting me. -sigh- i don't know. i can't say no to you, partially i want to say yes, and partially i pushed you into this so i can't possibly play you out. and sometimes... under these circumstances, because we were friends, if i said no, it frankly just get quite awkward. so we could kill the friendship slowly (like this.) or we could just kill it now. either way it dies. (but it's too late to be saying this now isn't it? haha. i can't tell you to your face... so maybe i should just tell you about my blog?)

hell no.

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:00 p.m. on Monday, April 15, 2002

extracts from an sms conversation (dated 2 april):

"love... so complicated, so sad...then why do people still indulge in it?"

"bcos sometimes for that short-lived happiness... you realise it's worth it? i don't know. cynical me personally thinks it makes everything wrse... bcos once you've tasted that happiness nothing can wuite match up... and everything becomes Pain. but yet it's still unabashedly human to want to pursue it... even if we know we'll get hurt... deep down inside se still hope stupidly 'this could be the one who'll make the world less lonely..."

"Dumb people we humans all are. sigh.. and we constantly look for that love to discover we have been hurt. again."

"yeah... but in the long run... i think you can look back [on hindsight] and think that even if someone hurt you deeply... you wouldn't want to be hurt by anyone else. that's real love. a bittersweet little package that can make you cry.. as much as laugh. there's a price for everything... sometimes you just gotta take that blind leap of faith n hope someone catches you... humans r stupid that way... but that's what makes us... us."

"spoken like an expert. but sigh... the responsibilities and the eventual almost inevitable hurt, just for that one moment of happiness... what foolishness."

"expert? -laughs- in unrequited love perhaps... i don't know... i guess one could be cynical, and avoid love altogether... but doing that just deprives one of the chance, no matter how remote or obscure... for happiness."

one thing leads to another. should i just take that leap of faith or brace myself for the impact? it's too late for second thoughts. too late for anything else.

ailin had the last laugh @ 11:09 p.m. on Saturday, April 13, 2002

-sigh- so... i got into council... after going through what seems like the most embarassing running experience of my life... camp was... i don't know. i felt stoned throughout the whole thing. i'd like to say i enjoyed it and felt all geared up for life as a councillor, but i don't know. i couldn't quite clique with my group mates, as nice as they were... and i was so tired of being enthused and perky all the god-damn time. i wasn't cut out for this life. i knew it even before i signed up to run... (so why did you do it?) i don't know. satisfy my curiosity to see if anyone as incorrigibly slack as me can make it in council? as a study in interesting human behaviour (what makes you cheer so much, so loud, so often?)? i don't know. left camp with mixed feelings... watching the 28th, it made me remember why i wanted this. but can i survive two years of it?

and i really wanted to be general secretary. it was the only post i really wanted in the entire council. and i thought i could make it too. but i couldn't. i so badly wanted to cry... but i couldn't bring myself to... kelvin was so happy... and i didn't want him to feel bad... so i just smiled. just smiled. and laughed. and wished him all the best. told him he could make it (i wanted to make it with him... but i couldn't...) and then i was struck by an incredibly asinine thought, and that was that now i couldn't spend time with kel because he was in exco, with its uber long hours and meetings. and i hate myself for feeling this way. it's so stupid to be jealous over this. it's so dumb to get all insecure over huijun being GS with kel. it's so shallow for me to want GS so badly partially because kel wanted it too. i just felt so incredibly disgusted with myself...

-sigh- i don't know... i feel increasingly detached from my class. i used to love them so much. how they were so nice and all... but in just 3 months, everyone's moved on. like yuankai said in his blog, "i love you all as individuals, but i hate you most as a class." the cracks are showing... and we can try to paint over it and hide it, but deep down inside, we know it's there. justin is getting closer to jono. even kel feels detached. yuankai stones a lot more. the lit and chem guys just can't get along. and the elects are getting quite cut off too. we spend so little time socialising at our class bench now... we don't know anything that's going on... and i miss the old 02S63. the original 27 of us. now with people out and people in... i can't accept this class as my own. jono to me is only 'justin's cousin' just some visitor. he'll leave us in the long run. (i wish.) i don't know. like kel says, "before you know it, well be spending more and more time in the council room, and after we hand over to the 30th, we'll return to our class bench and realise we know no one there."

it's like because jc is just 2 years, as compared to secondary school's 4, everything is sped up. so classes break off and people drift apart just after 3 months. it's sad. everything breaks apart. -cold laugh-

can't fit in in council. can't fit in in class. can't fit in with old friends. only kel left. can you imagine what would happen when we finally realise we're just hurting each other and break apart too? -laugh-

-cries-

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:49 p.m. on Saturday, April 13, 2002

i tried to rectify the situation but i don't know if i made it worse... >__< word has spread and fatt weng and alvin sms-ed me asking about me and kelvin -_____- cow doesn't know better... but alvin kept asking... and i admitted that i liked kelvin... but i didn't know to what degree... then i realised... aren't kelvin and alvin in choir together...? and aren't they... like... really close...?

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:57 p.m. on Saturday, March 30, 2002

i think i might have hurt you. i didn't mean to, but i did. i wish i had never started that stupid act, calling you 'darling' and doing all the mushy lovey-dovey stuff with you. i should have known that acting can become frighteningly real sometimes... i don't know. i've been sensing it for a while. i keep ignoring it. i don't want to know. i wish i didn't know. but it's too late now. you admitted to her. she told me. and now we are in big doo-doo. i could bear to tell kian i liked him because we never had much of a friendship between us i could just throw everything away. but i have a perfectly valid friendship with you. you're the gay diva, and i'm the straight bitch remember? i don't want anything that's going to destroy it. but now i don't know how i feel about you. the feeling's been creeping in slowly... the more we act, the more people say we resemble a real couple... it makes me wonder. and now i know you really feel that way. i don't know. part of me's happy. but part of me is just freaked out. i don't want you to like me just because we were submerged in that fake lovey-dovey atmosphere for too long. i don't want to like you just because you were there when i was sad over kian, just because i'm sad over kian, and just because you like me. i don't think that's fair to you, and i don't think that's fair to me. i don't know how to react to this. last night i went crazy and started gushing over kian again... you just sat there with your back turned. i couldn't see your expression (part of me wanted to see how you'd react) and when you stood up abruptly to get more food i didn't think it was because you were jealous or angry or anything (i still don't know. because you're not returning my sms.) and then you just went home. without telling me. without saying bye. am i blowing this up too big? you claim you don't want to tell me because you don't want to commit yourself to a relationship too soon... and you'll only tell me in 4 years (after you're out of NS...) (but what makes you think i'll wait that long for you?)

you'll never see this anyway. so i don't know why i bother saying this. i'll just pretend i don't know. and we can continue being friends. (can't we?) i don't need this right now. i don't need to like someone. i don't need a guy to make my life complete. you lie.

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:35 p.m. on Saturday, March 30, 2002

"... i am inhabited by a cry.
nightly it flaps out
looking, with its hooks, for something to love.

i am terrified by this dark thing
that sleeps in me;
all day i feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

clouds pass and disperse
are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?
is it for such i agitate my heart?

i am incapable of more knowledge.
what is this, this face
so murderous in its strangle of branches?--

its snaky acids hiss.
it petrifies the will. these are the isolate, slow faults
that kill. that kill. that kill."

taken from "Elm" by sylvia plath.

need i say more?

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:26 p.m. on Saturday, March 30, 2002

Everyone feels despondent at times and you are no exception. You are feeling so depressed because it seems that everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and you don't quite know which way to turn. So like the proverbial ostrich you are trying to bury your head in the sand. But that won't work - you have to face reality.

Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbours and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

Whatever has caused the situation, you just don't seem to be able to sustain or maintain relationships as you would wish to. What you really seek is to be able to develop a relationship with someone with whom you can truly share: Love, Serenity, Peace and Quiet. But you are a very demanding person and it is your nature that leads to disquiet and discord: you are like the tide, flotsam and jetsam... One minute you experience 'highs' and a few moments later 'lows'. This obviously will introduce discord into any relationship and with this demanding attitude - the ideal state you desire is unable to develop. Despite the urge to gratify your natural desires, you impose a considerable self-restraint on your instincts in the belief that this demonstrates your superiority and raises you above the common herd. You are extremely critical of everything that is presently going on around you and you find it difficult to listen to or to take advice from anyone. You enjoy the original, the ingenious and the subtle.

The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognised as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfil this 'complex' by ensuring you are the centre of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be.

oh. my. god. got this test off raining's blog... and it's so accurate... it's scary.
http://www.colorgenics.com

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:39 p.m. on Monday, March 25, 2002

goosh. i. am. alive. *flashes v-sign* ah well... -sighs- lots of things have happened... don't really know where to start...

yesh. -sighs- the friday before the hols i told the guy i liked i liked him. (catch that?) when school reopened... it was pretty horrific. i had to go to great pains to avoid him... then tuesday just i thought it was safe to go out... (because seniors had block tests and most of em left school already) then just as i was running around the basketball courts during pe... i saw a very familar pair of shoes. (i practically screamed, "oh fuck!") -sigh- then just as i was about to leave the class bench... he started walking over. i practically threw my stuff onto the class bench and ran. like. hell. but he tracked me down and gave me a note all the same -___- so horrifyingly embarrasing. but i should thank god he's a nice guy. he told me that i'm just a good mei4 mei4 to him... and i'll get over it soon because we don't know each other that well to get into... that. i don't know. part of me's relieved because we've gotten everything out in the open, but we can still continue being friends. part of me's just... sad. but i didn't cry. held it in. everyone thinks i'm cool with it. and the lit guys are really nice about it all. they crack me up half the time (the other half they just piss me off... but at least when i'm pissed i don't have the emotional capacity to be heart-broken.)... ^_^ i don't know. i really don't.

and council is utterly humiliating. i miss the good old days where i was the one sitting down making snide comments. where i was the one bitching about everyone. -__- what goes around comes around i guess. piffle. i hate this. i seriously want to drop out (i've been feeling this for a loooooooooooooooong time.) but i just don't want to let poor kelvin down. >_< i don't know what i want now. i don't know if what i'm doing is for me or for other people... i don't know if i'm living for me or for others. i don't know.

and huang cheng is over. should i feel sad? i don't know. i don't feel anything for huang cheng... not as much as some other people *shrugs*

i don't know. life's just... fucked up i guess. i don't know what's happening. everything's breaking apart. i don't feel anything anymore. can't feel anything. except pure panic. block test coming... incoherent... can't connect thoughts properly... i don't know... dont know...

don't know.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:08 p.m. on Monday, March 25, 2002

you're really fucked up you know? throwing a hissy fit just because things don't go your way. convulsing and acting like you want to kill yourself. and writhing and acting like you have seizure just to show some unhappiness. if you're pissed just tell me. don't act like you're in great pain or something. everyone's got their own shit to deal with. deal with yours. don't just keep seeking attention (even though you know mom and dad will be more than willing to give it to you.) throw your stupid tantrums. i don't care anymore. i used to be really scared when you did that. but i frankly don't give a damn anymore. go screw yourself or something. destroy your life. like i care. when i grow up, i'm just going to not recognize you anymore. you're not part of my family. and i'm sick of justifying everything you do. just grow up.

ailin had the last laugh @ 12:42 a.m. on Friday, March 15, 2002

what am i trying to do?!?! O______O why oh why did i let myself be talked into it? why on earth did i fill in that stupid form. now i'm stuck in this... even if i don't want to be. -____-;;; because of this, i've missed meeting alfian sa'at (*vulgarities*) AND i missed cosplay *sobz* do i really want this? do i really want that kind of life (of cheering and overall enthusiasm even though i'm the girl who made scowling in a corner as everyone else cheered during sports day a fashion statement?) do i really want to work with these people? do i really want to do these stuff? no.no.no.no.no.

and i've given up. (not that i ever started...) but i've given up. wrote him a letter on friday, so he's got 9 days to spaz out before seeing him again on monday... i felt strangely liberated after giving him the note.. but the full impact is only sinking in now. -sigh- once again, i screwed up real good.and yet still i remain online wishing you'd come onto icq too. yes. i'm sad. and pathetic.

oi people, tell me about the cosplay, 'kay? put up any photoes you have, ne... *sigh*

sometimes i wish i could play with a penknife and then fumble and cut myself. then maybe i could make you notice. make you care. then maybe everyone will just let me be. let me sink back into my depression. please. i'm tired of being nice and perky nd polite and enthusiastic all the bloody time. it's draining. and i'm tired of it.

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:38 p.m. on Saturday, March 9, 2002

-Trouble-

O no, I see,
I spun a web, it's tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I said,
O no what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here I am in love in a bubble,

Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Although I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

something's wrong. can't you sense it? i want to tell you. but i can't. because that means i'm ratting on someone else. but you're going to know it sooner or later... how can i break it to you? you wander around oblivious to it all. you should know there's something wrong. you should realise what you've done is wrong. if you don't, i can't help you. i really can't. i'm not a strong-willed person. i know. that's why i'm bailing on you. it's better i bail now rather than go and turn on you. i know what will happen. if it boiled down to it all... i would choose them, not you. it's evil. i know. but i know i'll do that. because i'm this sort of weak disgusting person. i don't want to choose. that's why i'm staying out of it all. but i should still tell you. shouldn't i? but how? there's no way i can tell you without hurting you, and no way i can not tell you without it become a greater travesty. please see for yourself. you should know better. right?

maybe i'm over-reacting to it all. maybe it'll all settle down and everything will be fine. right? i hope. i really do.

i'm sorry.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:36 p.m. on Monday, March 4, 2002

interesting.

Who is the spy? Is it me? Is it you? Here, drink this wine...

Find out what YOUR inner non-sequitur is!

quiz by A.V. Phibes

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:15 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2002

i guess i'll start off with a teensy socal blog:

congrats, rei. ^__^ really happy for you... what combi in arts are you planning to take?

and you told alby he's my ou xiang...? O__O uhm... alby doesn't really believe that... does he...?

*waves to grace* hey... ^_^ thanks for the e-mail a while back... i know i haven't really gotten back to you... (-embarassed laughter-) but thanks all the same ^^ and congrats for your Os... ^_^ sharon told me about it.

ah well~... back to other stuff... first up, thanks, raining ^__^ for my really really early birthday present. it's an excellent poem ^__^ and it's got a very nice lilt to it. love it to bits... (haha... how'd you find out about my pointed ears? ^^ dang.)

and i've decided... *takes a deep breath* to stay in science. i've mulled over the decision long enough... and there's a very long story behind this... -sigh- which means i have to go change my registration form tomorrow... and start getting intensive physics tuition (gulp)... and pay attention to hosy's class... o_o and not sleep in physics lectures... O____o and copy physics lecture notes... O_________O

goosh.

-sigh- suddenly everything seems really trivial. i don't even understand why people are like this. 8-points is honestly fine. you don't have to keep whining and crying about it. yes, i know you hoped to do better, but you didn't. deal with it. i can only take so much before i start to snap back out of sheer irritation. i'm sorry. maybe i'm supposed to be supportive and lend you a shoulder to cry on, but i'm sick of it too.

and i wish my juniors can just clear everything up. i'm not blaming you guys... but i don't want eds to turn out like this. we never wished for people to feel alienated, or left out. we didn't want it to becmes cliquey... where it became a cca which basically had the com/sub-com/close with the com people vs. the rest. i don't know what's going on in there... maybe you all have a lot of shit going on in your lives... i don't know. hah. maybe there's some curse that prevents eds people from ever becoming happy. maybe that's why we're all so screwed up.

and serene was just telling me yesterday... "now when i see him... i don't feel anything special... instead i feel angry. because ta1 shang1 hai4 le4 wo3 de4 xin1" *wry smile* hm. i don't know.

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:21 p.m. on Sunday, March 3, 2002

i wish i had talent. i really do... shall blog more on stuff that's been going on later... bloody chinese soc killing whatever remnants of a life i had. suddenly the world seems really screwed up. but i guess shit happens. they'll rectify themselves. someday. i hope. things will get better. (won't they?)

ailin had the last laugh @ 01:16 p.m. on Saturday, March 2, 2002

i honestly think that there's something wrong with me... why did i get so pissed talking to you on icq? was i really just angry that you were acting dao, or that you were thick, or that you really seemed like a cold bastard or perhaps no real reason at all?

why did i cry writing that note to you? what possessed me to write a second note to you? why did i get hysterical reading your note to me on v-day? i should have been happy, over-the-moon, euphoric. blah.

maybe it's because it wasn't supposed to work out this way. you were supposed to give me something crappy so i could resent you, so i could hate you. you weren't supposed to get anything that vaguely looked like you took care in selecting it for me. you weren't supposed to go up to me and tell me how nice my presents to you were, and that you liked them. you weren't supposed to tell me 'happy v-day!' you weren't supposed to write that note to me that told me you enjoyed being my mortal. you weren't supposed to pop up everywhere i went. you weren't supposed to say hi, weren't supposed to recognise my existence, weren't supposed to catch my eye across the plaza on the third floor as i was walking on the second, weren't supposed to be playing table tennis in the hall as i was carrying chairs and sort-of said 'hi' to me.

-sigh- tis the v-day bug speaking through me... i should disinfect myself. soon.

*takes out scrub* clean... *starts to scrub* must be clean again... clean... *scrubs*

ah. let's move on.

-sigh-

was feeling relatively crappy on saturday because chinese soc. killed me. carried chairs, benches, and tables... (to the hall, where the elusive table tennis team practices... -sigh-) then when chinese soc was finally over, mel and sharon were still doing vnr stuff, so i stayed with them to help them tie wood together for a fire pit -___- which would result in us reeking of kerosene... -sigh- then we went orchard with some guys from my class and had another very (emotionally) tiring outing.

thank god for solace. could have been better. but it could also have been worse... so i guess i should be happy with it. at least they didn't butcher luna sea's songs (and the lead singer was really cute ^___^ mel and sharon were hysterical over him.) and i like, totally worship alby now ^_____________^ bwahahahahahaha... and the song i/c too (leather pants! woo-hoo!) (yeah, we're depraved. sue us.) so i guess it was relatively okay ^__^ cheered me up, anyway. (and of course... find out about... "oliver" *gags*)

i will be better. yesh. *sticks a few more pins into a voodoo doll* yesh. feel a lot better now.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:20 a.m. on Sunday, February 17, 2002

whee! online quizzes are fuuuuuuuun!

(okay, who fed her sugar?)

See what Care Bear you are.

Jane is cynical, intelligent, and talented (she is a budding artist). Like any good artist, Jane constantly explores the passionate and emotional side of the world. She believes paint-by-number kits are inherently evil.

I'm a Water Spirit

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:11 p.m. on Sunday, February 10, 2002

anyway, on to other stuff. firstly, yesh, i will be cosplaying as belial this year. =^_^=

next, i seriously think i'm overdoing the cca thing. so far, i've got: chinese soc, elddfs, interact, HnF, SV. and i really want to join guitar. >__<;; AND, i'm helping out my fac in dramafeste (backstage. i really think the script sucks though. -_-;; [but don't tell cecil i said that.]) *sigh* like i said, i think i'm over-doing the cca thing, don't you?

after huang cheng is over i'll definitely drop CS. it's just... not me. all my ex-schoolmates were hysterical when they knew i joined CHINESE society. (shuzhen sms-ed me, "are you MAD?!?!") even people i didn't know were amazed >.< vic practically screamed, "WHY?!?!?!?!" when i told her. so yeah. i'll definitely be dropping cs. then if i don't get into sinming sub com i'm dropping interact. so that'll leave me with... *counts* 4 ccas. tsk tsk. -___-

ah well, cny celebrations tomorrow... i love my CT's cny banner. it's incredibly lame, and incredibly cheesy (so cheesy, you'll need crackers to look at it ^.^) but i think it's the cutest among all the CTs... *beams*

and then... it's spring. valentine's day is here.

damn it.

i'd like to say i'm the sort who doesn't buy into the whole valentine business, and i don't care if i'm attached or not. but i'd be lying. once a year, i get spring fever around valentine's day. (last year, all day i kept whining about being a dateless soul, until my friends were frankly quite ready to exterminate me.) it'll pass, and then i'm back to my normal 'the world can die and i don't give a damn' self.

and it's worse in jc. my class seems a bit sexually depraved. we've only got 5 people from mixed schools, and the rest are from single-sex schools and... *shakes head* 2 weeks into the term, we had love pentagons, love webs, unrequited love and whatnots. >___<;;

and now, zer is going mad. she likes this guy, is literally crazy over him, and around him she's hyper, when he's gone she's depressed. whines all the time, looks lovesick, cries-- *sigh* me and mel are frankly quite tired out by the whole business and we just wish she'd tell him how she felt, and even if she's rejected, she'll cry like hell for a few days, and then it'll pass and zer'll be back to her old self. and the guy is thick. pretty much everyone can tell what's going on, but he's still oblivious. (hell, she told him she admired him. and he was like, "oh, that's nice. i'm not that great you know.") doh.

and now, as v-day approaches, i've been affected, and i've developed this liking for my senior mortal. and he's seriously not that great a guy. he doesn't really write me looong letters, but at least he's relatively nice and has a kooky sense of humour. and yesterday i was going crazy a la zer. and moped around all day looking pained. and today i woke up, felt fine, and wondered why the hell i made such a big fuss of it. >___< but i think it'll be obvious on v-day that i blatantly like him more than my other angels and mortal, because he's getting more stuff than the others...

*sigh* i really don't know what's wrong with me... i hate v-day. why on earth must it foogin' exist. -___________________- because of it, the leading members of the 02S63 singles' club aren't exactly sticking to their philosophy of 'we don't need men'. *scowls*

AND, zhichao, being the incredibly bmud (in-joke) guy he is, thinks that i'm his angel, and mel, knowing that he thinks it's me, writes incredibly mushy postcards to him. so now zhichao gives me that sly, 'do you have a crush on me' look while mel sits back and thinks it's incredibly funny. ha. ha. ha. oh goosh. i'm dying. really. you kill me. -_-

guys are jerks.

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:46 p.m. on Sunday, February 10, 2002

yesh. i am back. *tries to look happy* *fails* *grumbling* ah well...

i'm feeling better these days... and it's really late now, but just thanks guys and kiezin too (for dropping that email ^__^). and to char and raining for calling (and bearing with me breaking down.)

actually, the previous thurs, i confronted the guy about calling me 'mentally unsound'. basically it went like,

me: what made you think i was mentally unsound?
j[erk]: ... ... i didn't say that. what i said was... *lamely* why is ailin acting differently...
me: ... *arches eyebrow* that's lame. seriously, why?
j: uhm... well, because of the way you talk... and the way you act... and that you seem very depressed...
me: and because of these, you think i'm mentally unsound?
j: well, i knew a guy who was like this last time... and he--
me: tried to kill himself and then stab his mother with a penknife, yes i know.
j: how come you know about him?
me: *darkly* you talk about him all the time.
j: uhm, *looks uncomfortable* i'm sorry. it's because i haven't been exposed to eccentric people often...
*awkward silence*
j: *tries to change topic* uhm, are you really transferring to arts in 3 months?
me: yes.
j: won't you miss us?
me: at first i thought i would miss you jerks, but now i'm not so sure.
j: oh. *mildly melodramatic* what have i done?
me: *scowls*
j: but seriously... i think you should stay.
me: why?
j: because you can add vibrance to our class.
*at this point in time, mel, who's sitting beside me, bursts out laughing*
me: ... ... ... ... *tries to decide if that's a compliment or an insult*
j: but seriously i'm very sorry. i didn't really mean to insult you by that. i'm sorry leh.
me: fine. *afterthought* whatever.
*uncomfortable silence till the end of physics lecture*

so now, we're fine with each other, just that i keep rubbing the whole incident in everytime we end up talking to each other. it's horribly spiteful, i know. and i think i'll stop. so now things are better. i hope. *shrugs* i cleared the air with the whole group of them, and some of em are actually quite nice. but i think i'll stop talking about this, so i guess this topic is officially--

closed.

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:50 p.m. on Sunday, February 10, 2002

this was meant to be an entry about how jc life was finally stabilising, how my class is finally getting to know each other, how i am finally getting over by peoplephobia.

it's not anymore. now it's a rant. a very angry rant.

2 days ago, i found out my class has a few bigots. not that they're racist or anything... they seem to dislike greatly people they view as different from them. they ostrasize them and call them 'mentally unsound'.

-sigh- you see, there's this NYGH girl in my class called min. she's... different. oddly, we seem to have a bit in common. a weird accent. liking terry pratchett and neil gaiman and sandman. but her accent's much stronger than mine and her sense of humour is very very obscure. but essentially, aside from being weird, she's a very nice person.

but these assholes (pardon the profanity. i am severely pissed off, you'll understand if you read on.) refuse to interact with her and call her insane. then they tell us they had a classmate who acted like her. "like what?" we asked. then they replied,

"they talk funny. they walk in a certain way, talk in a certain way, act in a certain way. they read funny books, like terry pratchett's, they talk about death all the time. the guy we knew who was like that tried to kill himself."

at that point, i had wondered, "are they talking about me?" i'm pretty weird. i know that. hell, i pride myself on that. and at dhs, my friends knew it, but they liked me anyway, just for being me. then again, in eds, we're all weird. audrey's weird. jasmine's weird. mel's weird. dewen and bryan are really weird. but just because i'm weird, it doesn't mean that i'm mentally unsound. i joke that i'm crazy sometimes. but i'm not. i still think i'm fairly in control of myself (far, far more in control than as compared to me when i was at the height of my depression (what an oxymoron). now then i was suicidal.)

then i went home, wondering if they knew i was weird too... then yesterday, after i went home early because i was sick (as a sidenote, i'd like to add that i love Jennifierce Tan. she was really cool when i got her to sign my pass to leave the school early.) but at about 5-something melissa called me and told me she had something to tell me, provided i don't get agitated.

-sigh- apparently, the same guys who were questioning min's sanity had asked them, "is ailin mentally unsound?" and they were serious.

i don't know why, but i just cried. i cried and cried and cried. and i felt sick.

i wasn't the only one feeling sick. mel felt sick too. she was really depressed and started to binge (on the other hand, that might not be a bad thing. melissa's seriously underweight.)

i mean, just because i'm depressed all the time, and that i have a weird sense of humour and that i act really odd (half the time it's on purpose. i don't know why, i get a great kick out of acting weird and seeing people react. not anymore, though.) doesn't mean that i'm crazy, or unbalanced or that i might take a penknife and stab you with it (though i'm not sure now about the last bit. push me far enough and you're dead, a & k and the rest of you bigots.)

and after i was done crying and feeling sick, i got angry. then i got pissed. and now i'm positively vengeful. today when we got back to school for CCA, i was feeling better because the bigots weren't going. and thank god the few girls i talked to don't think that way of me and agreed that min was different, but to suggest she was unbalanced was going too far... then me and mel went for retail therapy. and we basically vented out all our anger and all our frustrations at these jerks. i was tempted to buy a voodoo kit from kino, paste their photoes on it, mutilate it, and leave it in the angel-mortal box for them to find, but i didn't, because wasting .00 worth of voodoo on them wasn't worth it.

and we're just thinking, if they think i'm weird, they've probably never met the GEPs from DHS... they've never met the humanities classes, they've never met anyone different from them. which is sad, really. because if they did, they'd realise everyone was weird in their own way--- or they just might think that all of these people are depressed and suicidal and dangerous. and what on earth is wrong with being depressed? they make it seem like being depressed is a crime. like everyone is to act like the love life all the frickin time. and just because people are depressed doesn't mean they're suicidal. i'm depressed all the time. because if i wasn't depressed all the time, i would become suicidal. sometimes having no hope makes you the most optimistic, because every little good thing seems great.

and i've made up my mind that i'm not going to change myself just to fit in with them. they sicken me. they sickened my sickness sicker (<-- that's adapted from Ted Hughes: The Beach, 'it darkened the darkness darker.') and you know in The Practice, the Scott Wallace storyline? how even when scott wallace was acquitted, everyone in society treated him like a madman, and a murderer? he became one. if these assholes don't stop treating me like i'm a psycho, i WILL become one. and i don't give a damn anymore. at first i started to get attached to my CT, and i actually thought i might not bear to leave them? now i can't wait to leave them. this class makes me sick. there's so much mental stress everytime i'm with them i can't be myself. i second guess myself because they second guess me. and i'm tired. they make me want to never go back to school again... and i love HC.

and the fact they're all from TCHS does not paint me a very pretty picture of that school. my TCHS snide jokes and jibes collection has multiplied tenfold, and i felt like kicking 2 TCHS boys i saw doing flag day today. THAT is how far i've been pushed. another inch and i'm over the edge and i will kill you. then, i hope you'll be happy that i've proved you right, that i am a psycho.

then again, you'll be dead. i hope you enjoy the last few seconds of your life as you scream and run away from me and my chopper.

*pauses to take a breather* there. i feel better now.

and the thing was that when mel first told me the news and i was crying, the first person i wanted to call was audrey. but she's busy. (she's always busy.) and oddly enough, the next person i wanted to call wasn't char, but it was bryan. i think now, because my impression of boys has really hit rock-bottom, i just have to find a male friend that i feel comfortable around that i can talk to. dewen's too annoying, but bryan... -sigh- he's someone i can call a good friend, and yet not be close enough with, that it becomes awkward to face later. i've beconme oddly attached to bryan. he's just so much more mature and funny and interesting and sensitive than the other guys in my class. and he cheers me up a lot too... -sigh- you could say he's my prozac. (wow. what a compliment.) but sometimes i wonder if i'm using him to fill some obscure emotional void and that i'm just using him as someone i can unload on... and if i called him there, it would just be bizarre. because i never call him. AND i was crying. as nice a guy as bryan is, he would be freaked out by that.

i don't know. i feel really sick just thinking that i have to spend 2 and a half more months with these bozos and i still can't bring myself to face them (i decided not to go for the senior treat junior thing today... even though i love my seniors, and everytime i'm around them i always feel like staying on in my CT.) and what's worse is that they're in my e lit class, so i spend more time with them than with the rest of the class that takes chemistry.

i miss bryan. i miss eds. i miss my juniors. i miss my friends in vj and tj. i even miss choi, because as unbearably overbearing as he was, he was always polite and mature about things.

this whole thing makes me wish i wasn't in hwa chong, and that i had gone to vjc, where dhs was the frickin majority and we could trample everyone.

and typing this out is making me cry again, so i'll stop.

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:41 p.m. on Saturday, January 19, 2002