and to 'you'... i don't know what to say. sometimes you make me so sad... and so hurt with the things you say. sometimes i feel like i can't quite forgive you for the things you say to me... but you just act like... you. and i can't hate you. i hate you because i can't hate you. i envy you and all that you have, but i don't wish to be you. you're always so effortlessly liked by everyone... i'm always the nice quiet studious one (but awfully dull)... oh yeah, my results are better. but i don't get out of the house much. i don't know. you've always treated me like some annoying little twit ever since we're young... but i still look up to you... and that makes it even more hurtful every time you snap at me. maybe you don't know, but some of the words you use hurt me a lot more than it seems. do you know that when you told me as i was going to cosplay (for the first time in 16 years) that i was 'cool' it made my day? maybe you don't know. you most probably don't know. i probably sound really pathetic here... but... i don't know. i don't think i love you, though i have to. but i don't think i hate you, though i want to.

*sigh* it's been raining all day non-stop. nice and bleak. perfect weather.

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:38 p.m. on Thursday, December 27, 2001

*LOL* a fellow legolas fan ^__^ oh yeah.

*coughs* anyways... yesterday was just downright embarassing. apparently i didn't know my bro's girlfriend came over, so ignorant li'l me just burst in on them... >_<;;; all i could do was go, "i'm sorry... bye bye." and shut the door... *sigh*

and ailin ailin ailin... when will you finally realise, that when the hairdresser asks you, "how do you want your hair cut?" a vague "shorter." will not get you the haircut you want... so now, you're going to have to wear a hat (^_^)everywhere to hide that awful thing on your head (-_-). idiot.

and posting results are out. *sigh* doesn't really matter where you go. what matters is if you can stay. and sharon (talked to her for the first time in 2 years yesterday) went to r in the end while ruo ling's going to hc... *sigh* they're holding a 6/7 gathering on thursday (shuzhen was like, "J might be going" *hint hint nudge nudge* >_<;) but oddly enough, i don't want to go. 3 years ago i would have jumped at the chance, but now... i'm not exactly too keen to see my ex-classmates -_-;;; i just want to start jc with a clean slate. *sigh*

and raining. you owe me big time.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:14 p.m. on Saturday, December 22, 2001

my head hurts... i was not cut out to give maths tuition @_@ oh, and by the way, i don't think i've mentioned it yet, but thanks for the christmas present, raining ^_^ it occupies much of my time as i hunt out every part in which legolas says something *obssessive, manic gleam in eyes*

*cough* but on a more normal note (wait, is anything here normal?)...

*grins* a kittie layout ^_^ saw their video on mtv before... very pretty ^^

and toshi i DO love your hat *grin* well, actually i've always had an unhealthy obssession with hats ^__^ and seiryuu's wig cracks me up everytime i look at the photo because, well, seiryuu is morose, solemn and serious, and in the photo, seiryuu does look morose, solemn and serious, but then you notice the bright blue thing perched on his head *cracks up* but as for cosplaying as an AS character... *twiddles fingers* i guess i will... hm.

oh, and rei... i remember helping you take the dXh piccy at the cosplay on your camera... scan in the photo, ne? my own copy (from my camera) has draco's face turned away from the camera... >_<;;

ah well... let's go maths questions a-solving shall we... *sigh*

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:10 p.m. on Thursday, December 20, 2001

ooh-er... new layout... >__<;;; looks kinda okay on this compy... but i think it's gonna look awful on the other one... oh deary, deary me...

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:52 p.m. on Tuesday, December 18, 2001

got my cosplay photoes yesterday before i headed off to chalet ^__^

gorsh, i LOVE the YnM cosplayers... ^__^ byakko's so glompable, seiryuu's bright wig cracks me up totally and i love kijin's hat. ^__^

and i hate you... you're so pretty, while i look like a pasty toad next to you. :P *scowls* but i didn't see suu or kazuhiko anywhere... ^^;;

i'm really starting to love cosplay (much to the chagrin of my mum. she nearly had a heart-attack when i told her i wanted to cosplay again next year.)

brought the cosplay photoes to the chalet to show simone ^_^;; poor girl still has her cosplay costume hanging in the closet untouched because she had to go to her teacher's wedding on saturday >_<;; we talked a bit about going to cosplay next year (no, it's never too early to start planning *grin*) and we both really want to go as AS characters... just that... well, i don't quite dare to, because, well, the AS cosplayers so far are all good-looking and stuff, and i'm... not. not that it's a prerequisite to be good-looking to cosplay as AS, it's just that i'm a bit... shy lah *sheepish laughter* and i'm afraid of what people might say if i went around as an AS character. so uhm, yeah. *awkward silence*

did i forget to mentioned that i'm seriously screwed up? my results after being tested for mental disorders were:
Paranoid :: High
Schizoid :: Low
Schizotypal :: High
Antisocial :: High
Borderline :: Very high
Histrionic :: High
Narcissistic :: Moderate (wow.)
Avoidant :: Very high
Dependent :: Very high
Obssessive Compulsive :: High

which is actually quite accurate, especially after eds chalet... i felt really strange being there, like all my juniors are this completely new generation with their own in-jokes and activities going on. it's like, i'm rip van winkle and in actuality 16 years have passed when i think i've only been gone for a few hours. so being very highly avoidant, i didn't stay overnight as i originality planned to, also partially because i'm overly dependent on audrey sometimes at eds functions and audrey wasn't at chalet. -_-;; i just wasn't quite myself. and considering i suffer from extreme borderline personality... no one really noticed the difference. but i did have some fun, like watching rebecca and rui min do this really satirical version of britney spears' "i'm a slave 4 u" and seeing jeremy get all puppy dog-ish around lydia *grin* , going bowling and actually getting two strikes and a spare *big grin* and making bryan cry after telling him audrey was going into the exact same stream at the exact same jc *LOL* that was probably the highlight of the day.

me: bryan, didya know audrey's going into hc arts too?
bryan: no... but she won't be taking my combi right?
me: she is. she's taking e lit and hist. too
bryan: *burst into tears* nooooooooo... *runs back into the chalet*
five minutes later...
bryan: *coming back outside* but she's not applying for humanities scholarship, right?
me: yes she is
bryan: *burst into tears again* noooooooo... why is this happening?!

*LOL* i think bryan's growing on me. i used to think he was just bizarre, but now he seems more human to me ^_^ it helps that he sucks at bowling too (*lol*)

oh, and about j... he's back in singapore, but i don't know whether he'll be staying for jc, or if he's flying back to australia. i don't know... i haven't seen him in like 3 years already... but even if i see him again, what's the point? i'll never be able to screw up enough courage to talk to him. and if i do, it's not like he'll remember that strange little girl who kind-of sat next to him for half a year... (considering he couldn't even remember jasmine) and what will i say? and right now, i think i'll still prefer to stick to my ignorance is bliss philosophy... i'd rather just never know whether he really was the person i had believed him to be or to see him again and ruin that image of him that i have. i just want to carry that image i have of him forever, you know? and i think i'd like to continue believing that i truly liked him, and that it wasn't some foolish infatuation in my primary school days.

and yet, i'm still curious, and i want to know, that if i see him again, do i still feel the same. do i still like him, or have i moved on even without myself knowing. i just need some closure...

and it's really weird to be thinking about him now because i'm getting into this lord of the rings obssession with orlando bloom (*cringes at the surname*) who plays legalos the elf (^_^) but i know it's just another phase and it'll pass (like the ewan mcgregor phase 2 years ago -_-;;). oh, and eerily enough, orli (yeah, you know your obssessed when you start calling him by his nickname) graduated from guildhall too, just like ewan. ^^;;;;

*sighs* i guess that's that then. maybe i'm just worrying for nothing and j will just fly back to australia and never come back. (do i really want that?)

*sigh*

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:26 p.m. on Tuesday, December 18, 2001

i'm just totally burned out this week. so let's summarize everything prior to cosplay:

1) i still hate chopin, but liszt is growing on me.

2) teng cheng has the ugliest dog ever.

3) i should stick to giving tuition for chemistry only because maths makes me a bit... wonky.

4) putting a scythe together is much, much harder than it looks. it takes an entire day to spraypaint and cut the blade, attach the blade, attach the chain and attach prongs.

5) never underestimate the local hardware store guys. nor should you neglect the old retired man at the corner of the store because he is mr DIY, and should be consulted on all matters.

6) my friends still find cosplay amusing *cough* (quote: print an extra copy of your photo for me so it can cheer me up when i'm sad!)

7) preparing a black obi can drive you insane.

8) kimonos are harder to put on than you think. safety pins are the key to keeping it tight.

i guess that should do... *sigh* i haven't been sleeping well this week, and i've been going out everyday this week... i'm just really burned out now.

aniways... cosplay ^__^ my mum forced me to eat lunch before i went to cosplay, but i just didn't have appetite >.<;; kept feeling like throwing up (looking back, what's so nausea-inducing about cosplay? hm.) met char in the toilet ^^;; as i was tying all the sashes together, then a kijin walked in and looked rather shocked when i identified her as toshi ^^;; (maybe i should start signing guestbooks...)

*grin* i also saw alanna who came as a very pretty oruha (complete with hand-held microphone, batteries not inclu-- oops... wrong ad.) and a pretty white dress (could have fit in at the wedding fair beside the cosplay venue...)

and i saw rei! *big grin* as harry potter, no less... but i loved the cloak and the school uniform... it even had the gryffindor enblem on it ^__^ and her friend (who for some reason reminded me of charlene... hm.) came as draco, with a hat and a broomstick *cue: lots of little hearts over head* i love draco...*ahem* but back to the main topic. i requested they do a uhm, dXh picture for raining... and... *twitch* so raining, if you read this (and i know you will) i got you your christmas present.

i saw so many kakkoi cosplayers there... the angel sanctuary people were really cool... ^__^ i loved all the wings, but my favourite is the alexiel with the cross ^___^ and the rurouni kenshin people were so cute. they had all those li'l signs with like, sweatdrops and hearts and that throbbing vein thing ^_^ they did so many pictures, like megumi-kenshin-veryjealouskaoru, 3 saitous vs. kenshin, 3 saitous & enishi vs kenshin(as a sidenote, i think the enishi guy is the guy who came as the getbackers character last year who got mistaken as enishi and ended up posing as enishi... ho-hum.) and they had all these fights, and they had kenshin put on hiko's mantle *LOL* later i and kaoru did this fight thing, where we basically had only 2 poses, because we couldn't quite remember the actual fight (^^;;) and the only pose we were sure of was the final one, where kaoru broke kamatari's knee (HN.) so there i am, on one foot, on very hard wooded japanese sandals, and there kaoru is pressing her sword against my knee. picture this: i'm tilting backwards, backwards, and further backwards, to stabilize myself, i place one foot behind me, but alas, my kimono is too long. i trip and fall. kaoru, also falls. VERY drama. VERY like the manga after kamatari lost. VERY embarassing for me.

but i took lotsa pictures, and it's nice being recognised ^_^ like when i'm walking, people go, "kamatarikamatari..." it's a bit 'huh?' sometimes (is that even a proper adjective?) but it's fun. though i really hate being in the spotlight alone. it's okay if i'm in drama and on stage, but not at cosplay. at cosplay i'm a self-conscious, shy wreck. it's amazing, sometimes... how different i am in front of people and in front of people i know >_<;;;

i also met the taikoubou with the doll last year who came as this ff character (that i cannot identify because i am an ff ignoramus.) talked with her quite a bit ^__^ (but never asked her name. hm.) she tried to convince me to play-fight with kaoru in front of everyone, but i was too shy -_-;;

and there wasn't any shishio there. it's amazing. i thought there'd always be a shishio, but there wasn't. on one hand, it's sad that it ruled out any possible amusing photo opportunities. on the other hand, i should be glad it ruled out any possible photo opportunities... ^_^;; to top it all off... the female sano (i think) was like "i hope you don't take this wrong way... but you look like kamatari." *twitch* HM.

towards the end, after i finished watching the nominations (quite amusing, actually.) my shoulders and back were aching because of the ropes. and since char went home, i just went to a corner to take off my rope and wrist-hand-guard-glove-things... *sigh* just wanted to sit down and rest... X_x

but of course, murphy's law struck. when my mum came to hand me my clothes for me change into to go for dinner, she brought... *dum dUM DUM!!!* my brother and his girlfriend.

*scream*

but yvette had the decency to not burst out laughing... and later during dinner we finally found something we had in common. we both don't like children *beams* so i guess i like her a lot more now... not that i didnt like her before... it's just that... i...uhm...

oh never mind me, i'm just digging my grave here.

and on a completely unrelated note, i have to say this before i end this entry or i'll die (wah, so drama. ) in the lord of the rings trailer, there's this guy who has like 2 seconds of screen time, but he's on the poster and in the 8 days article about LotR. he's got long blond hair and carries a bow and arrow. i really really like him. *grin* i don't know why. *blush*

and i just remembered something. j's back in singapore.

oh no.

ailin had the last laugh @ 12:10 a.m. on Sunday, December 16, 2001

went to see yijun at her workplace yesterday... apparently business is really slow, all she does is just stand around. *grin* you know, now that we're not sitting next to each other everyday, we get along a lot better.

and i think i got everything needed for my costume for cosplay now... so all i have to do is sew on the pattern onto the kimono, get black cloth from school for the obi, make the wrist/hand guard. i bought the ropes yesterday (from a very scary old auntie who seems to be able to curse proficiently in hokkien... trust me. DON'T mess with the aunties at the army market. they are very very scary. and armed.) so now i need the weapon. *sigh* i need a chain, a black ball, a wooden stick, and i need to make the blade.

BUT i haven't figured out how to make the blade or how to attach it to the wood or if i can even find a wooden stick...

*whispering* remember, it's all for the cosplay, all for the cosplay... *downs pills* all for the cosplay...

ailin had the last laugh @ 07:06 p.m. on Sunday, December 9, 2001

*LOL* did you know cornflakes are a good cure for PMS?

strange things go through your mind when you're swimming, y'know? maybe because you're doing something so mechanical and repetitive your mind goes to tonnes of places...

like suddenly, you remember in kindergarten, your teacher had once asked you what the colour of water was. half the class said blue, half said white, and only one kid said colourless (not you).

or suddenly you look up at the sky and suddenly out of the blue go, "the sky looks pretty nice."

then you realise you need crackers because you're so cheesy.

i don't know... my mood swings are getting more drastic... i really need to go out before i go absolutely ballistic at home.

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:10 p.m. on Friday, December 7, 2001

*lol* i got my date messed up on the earlier entry... i'll go fix it later...

it's just one of those days you know? the kind of day where you've got nothing to do, so you just sit back, and stare at the ceiling, and you start thinking of things. of people, of words said, of words not said, of times gone by. and you think, and you over-analyse, and then you sink deeper and deeper into depression.

i'm sick of this, you know? i'm sick of life. and i'm frustrated. and i'm angry that in this stupid chessgame called life, i'm absolutely helpless. i wish time could stop. i wish i could just return to sometime when i actually felt happy. i wish i could've spent more time at dhs just to make things _right_ again. i wish i had at least tried to move on with my life. i wish i could have done something.

i don't know. i'm just so confused now...

sometimes i wonder if i had done anything else differently, would everything turned out for the better... or for the worse... there's always a 'what-if', but... i don't know. we might be better off not knowing, but i still want to.

i don't know... *sigh*

*a la ren and stimpy* happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy...

if i say it long enough, i just might believe it.

ailin had the last laugh @ 1:04p.m. on Thursday, December 6, 2002

i'm here at chalet now... with my parents... (yes, can my life get anymore pathetic?) and you know while people have fun at chalets, swimming, cycling blah blah blah...? i spent yesterday sewing. yes sewing. sewing lichun's damned calico cat. all i lack are glasses and the rocking chair or i'll make the perfect old maid... *scowls*

oh, and i know this is a bit late... but ^_^ thanks for the stuph to kill MOE with ne, rei-san *evil grin* they'll never know what hit 'em... oh, and about the copycat thing, it's understandable people'd want to steal it, it is nice ne. ^__^

i realise i still haven't done the scythe... and the obi... and those funny wrist/hand guard things for my cosplay costume yet... and i haven't bought the frickin' ropes yet either. *sigh* oh no... how am i gonna pull this off?

and i don't know if simone can make it on that day because she's got a wedding to attend, and it'll be pretty weird if she turns up in a misao costume... >_<;;; (*freaky mental picture*)

ah well, that's life, ain't it? *bitter smile*

ailin had the last laugh @ 11:48 p.m. on Thursday, December 6, 2001

i swear, MOE really hates me. i got melissa to help me fill in my PAE form and she managed to do it on her first try. no hassle at all... *sighs*

so i guess it's hcjc for the first 2.5--3 months... *twitch* is it too late to change my mind now?

on a slightly brighter note, i finally got meself an inking pen ^_^ finally i can ink properly. no more hassle with conventional ink pens that are so unflexible and don't flow properly... and i did a rosiel fanart! i actually did it. and it doesn't look half bad at that ^_^ i guess i'll be trying my hand at water colour next... or maybe try to cg it... see first lah *goofy grin*

oh, and my piano teacher was telling me yesterday that apparently composers, in a bid to show off, would write near-impossible passages in their music. so basically...

chopin: ooh-er, let's make this impromptu a hard one... ooh! i know, let's have the right hand play 4 notes while the left hand plays 3 for the same amount of time. and to make it really challenging *scribbles* let's have the notes jump around a lot... ooh, and to make it exciting, let's make it presto? and let's repeat this part twice!

liszt: that chopin guy thinks he's so smart... hah, i'll show him. let's have *scribbles on score sheet* a quazi cadenza with 70+ notes to play in a single bar for 6-4 timing~ oh, and another such bar with even more notes another two pages later... hahahaha... i'll wow the pants off the audience!

frustrated piano student with limited talent: DIE! DIE! DIE!

*sigh*

i'm practising gross overkill again.

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:10 p.m. on Tuesday, December 4, 2001

THIS IS IT! DIE MOE! DIE! DIE! DIE! *picks up her hockey stick* DIE! *laughing deliriously* DIE! *whacks computer screen*

*breathes* okay... i hate MOE. what's is f***ing wrong with the f***ing PAE system? everytime i complete step 2 it brings me back to step 1! *murderously* i swear... i am prepared to slaughter MOE now.

*breathes even more* okay, now that i've got that off my chest... *smiles sweetly* sorry i got your name wrong... *sheepish smile* nice layout. freakish, but nice ^^

and i gotta learn how to stop myself from flinching everytime i see my name on someone's blog. i nearly fell off my chair today... *sigh*

oh and lastly, i'd like to say i love you to my... hat. i love my hat *delirous grin* i gotta say it everyday or it gets suicidal. *hugs hat*

*mumbles* back to the admissions webpage to get my application submitted...

ailin had the last laugh @ 06:52 p.m. on Sunday, December 2, 2001

oh, i forgot to add... i think i'll do a calico cat for li chun's going away present... *sigh* then i'll give it to her on christmas day, before she flies off to england to study (rich kid.)

and on the case of the missing audrey...

background info: audrey kwa was last heard from at 1504hrs, sms-ing her friend that she was unable to go to her house to pick up a book. later, when that friend (a certain ailin) passed by audrey's ouse to drop off the book, audrey kwa could not be located. 3 sms and 2 phonecalls later, all leads led to a dead end. audrey seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth.

suspicious things: house deserted, doors and windows all locked. mail not collected. a suspicious young girl dropping something off in the mailbox that looks like a book yesterday. today, the girl re-appeared with a pair of tongs, extracting the book from the mailbox before disappearing in her parents' car. upon examination, audrey kwa's mailbox seems suspiciously shallow. maid is also absent from home.

hypothesis 1: the family killed the maid, chopped the head off, and left it in the mailbox. realising what they had done, they fled the country.

hypothesis 2: audrey kwa and her family left for an emergency/holiday overseas.

conclusion: author of report has been reading too many agatha christie novels. audrey kwa has indeed, left on a holiday with her family and maid.

yeah, i'm bored.

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:48 p.m. on Saturday, December 1, 2001

geez... i get dragged up from bed at the inhumane time of... 0930.

(oh yes, that's just barbaric, isn't it? forcing li'l ailin to wake up so 'early'.)

yeah... *scowls* wait, was that sarcasm?

(you think?)

*mumblegrumble* went shopping with my mum today... or actually, to be precise, went to help my mum hold her things as she shopped today, now i'm in her office. *sigh* at least i'm out of the house...

and i love my hat! i love it to bits. i want to wear it everywhere... but i didn't wear it out today... didn't really match my outfit. i miss my hat. ;_;

ah well, back to the main topic... yesterday mel called me 10 minutes after i logged on to the internet >.<;; but she seemed to be in a better mood for chatting, so we talked a bit.

apparently she had gone to the hc webby and found a link to canoeing. but apparently, aside from the picture on the splash page, no other picture on that site featured the girls team... (hm.) and all the pictures had guys working out. like pumping, and working out at the gym and everything (to which i had asked, 'are they shirtless?' and mel sounded a bit scandalized... >.<;;) and apparently mel's really interested in joining canoeing. but she's really scared that the training's really tough ('specially since our tourguide at r had looked so horrified when we mentioned we were interested in joining canoeing) and she's scared that since canoeing is such a large cca, if she's really weak, she might not be able to actually have a chance to compete... which is true. mel's really skinny (example of her skinniness: today my mum picked up a pretty skirt that had a large waist (about 29 inch), folded it in 2 and asked me if mel could make two skirts from it O_o;;) and i don't mean to be evil, but she just doesn't strike me as atheletic. and i can see her whining after every single training session... but i don't know. she might surprise us all.

on the other hand... she found out that hc has... fencing! we didn't hear anything about fencing during the open house, so we didn't know it existed. and r was telling us about how it was the only jc that had fencing... so maybe hc started their own fencing cca to combat r ^_^ but i guess this pretty much guarantees i'll be putting hc as my first choice. *beams*

and at the end of the conversation, my brother came over to tell me something and mel was like, 'is that your brother?'

'yeah.'

'why are you so polite to each other?'

and it's true... the way me and my brother act around each other, you can't really tell we're related. everytime we have a conversation, it's always small talk, the kind you have with other strangers in a lift. like 'how's the weather?' or 'how's school?' or 'how's army?' we're so detached from each other sometimes it's scary. like i've been living with a stranger for 16 years and we emerge occasionally to recognise each other's presence.

sometimes i kinda envy mel and her brother. i mean, mond is rather... loud, and noisy, and annoying (he screams in the backround as she's on the phone) but they're still really close and they still play with each other (like too-too-train with hula hoops or something >_<;; yeah, mel's 16 but her bro's 11) and they yell at each other all the time...

*sigh* it's like the perfect sibling relationship.

ah well... at least my brother doesn't yell in the background while i'm on the phone.

ailin had the last laugh @ 03:10 p.m. on Saturday, December 1, 2001

lookie what i found on my compy... an old fic, something i never begun and never finished... hm. really heavily influenced by jostein gaardner:

He picked it up, eyeing it closely.

He flicked the blade in and out. Watching the way the light crashed on it and shattered and how the shadows danced on the walls.

He remembered how when he was young, he used to be all alone, and he would play with his shadow on the wall. Someone just like him, someone who knew what he felt.

He placed his hand on his shadow, feeling the coldness of the wall.

He smiled. “Hey there…” He murmured, tracing the outline of his shadow.

The shadow was still.

“You know what? You’re the only thing I haven’t given up on in this world.”

Silence.

“Answer me.” A childish plea.

Silence.

“Answer me, answer me, answer me!” He shouted, stabbing the wall.

A crimson liquid slid off the blade onto the floor.

Cut it, cut it out. A lonesome shadow danced on the wall.

Cut it away and it won’t hurt anymore.

Deeper and deeper. Sobbing, he cut it all away until he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Footsteps pounding across the floor.

Waking up to a bandaged wrist.

“You’ve died once. Now you are reborn. Treasure this chance well.”

Closed door. But more than that separated two hearts.

“Why…?” The shadow remained silent.

He beat the walls until the blood left streaks on the pure untainted shadow.

Cut it out… he remembered now. He whispered to his shadow,  “Only you see through the delusion…”

If only his life could be like that. If only he could cut out the bits that had hurt and leave behind the good memories…

But the there probably wouldn’t be anything left. Not even truth.

What was truth anyway, when you boiled down to it. The truth unpacks the lie that in turn unpacks the truth.

You think you know everything, but you don’t. The only thing that you can know for sure is that you do not know anything.

He flicked the blade out again.

He didn’t know anymore.

And he cut deeper and deeper into the flesh. Cut it away. Cut away everything that hurt.

The door burst open, and they streamed in, grabbing the knife.

He averted their eyes.

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look into my soul. Can’t you see the filth that covers it.

Go away.

“Why…” One began. “Why?” A simple question. “Why try this… you have us. You have us. Don’t do this.”

I have nothing.

“You think killing yourself is going to help you?” Another shrieked.

He laughed.

But I wasn’t trying to kill myself…

Don’t you see?

I was just trying to see if I was alive.

owari

ailin had the last laugh @ 10:12 p.m. on Friday, November 30, 2001

i'm dying of boredom here... why isn't anyone at home? audrey's disappeared from the face of the earth, raining is missing, and mel... well mel's home, but she doesn't seem to be in the mood for talking... >_<;;

*sigh* practised piano for 3 hours, makes me realise how much i actually enjoyed playing the piano. just wish i didn't have to take exams...

ooh-er... i went to the tailors to pick up my kimono for cosplay... it looks quite nice, ne. it's all done, except for the little details, that i think i can handle myself... ^__^ my only gripe is that the tailor's shop smells like incense. once you step in, you are completely overwhelmed by the smell of incense. it covers you from top to bottom and you never leave smelling quite the same again...

and i took the hogwarts house test... again. the first 2 times i took it, i wasn't completely honest, so the sorting hat was like, "difficult... difficult..." and then i ended up with slytherin... so thinking there must have been a mistake, i did the quiz again today, being completely honest... and the sorting hat was like, "that's easy... i see..." and then...

SLYTHERIN!

nooooooo... i mean, i am evil occasionally, but i don't think that i'm mean on purpose to people or anything... i don't think that i'm hardcore evil. and yet i keep getting slytherin. not that i don't like slytherin, i love snape and draco to bits, but i don't think that my personality is really... slytherin-ish.

yeah, only i can get worked up over and online quiz... but even char got gryffindor. and char's even more 'evil-and-proud-of-it' than me.

fine, i guess i'm just being silly...

ailin had the last laugh @ 08:49 p.m. on Friday, November 30, 2001

i'm so in love with my new hat. i have to wear it everywhere... even if i'm staying home all day. and you know what the scariest thing of all is? my entire family doesn't even comment that its weird anymore. i think they've really given up on me for good...

but seriously, why doesn't anyone in singapore wear hats? hats are nice. *goofy grin*

i decided not to go to the class outing today... told them i had to practise my piano (which is kinda true...) most people won't be going anyway, so i guess it's pretty pointless if i go. plus, i really hate captain's ball. >_<;;

*sigh* life's slowing down again. there's nothing fun left for me to do now... and i really have to start practising my piano. or i'm dead. D-E-D, ded. (wat? i cant spel?)

ailin had the last laugh @ 12:56 p.m. on Friday, November 30, 2001

okay... a lot's happened so far, considering i haven't blogged in a long, looong time... *sigh*

let's start with... sunday...

woke up with a start... had one of the most awful dreams ever. i can still remember it now. i deamt that the os weren't really over, and that only like the prelims were over and i had been imagining it all, and that there was still physics, and history, and a maths, and when i woke up, my heart was racing, and you know that split second when you know you're awake, but you're not quite out of your dream? yeah, in that split second, i actually believed the os really weren't over. it was only a few seconds after i was awake that i finally realised, hey, a maths is over, i've watched harry potter... the os really are over...

which now, of course makes me wonder what the hell is in my subconcious... my aunt was like, "you really need to go out and exercise, de-stress yourself." which would lead to me playing badminton with her in the evening and ending up not having any feeling my right arm anymore... but that's another story...

anyways, i went out to kino and hmv, and i bought yaida hitomi's 'candlize' and luna sea's 'never sold out' (ah, the irony) because, well, i always wanted to get yaida hitomi's cd... and the luna sea one was on offer, i think. some christmas thing... ^^;; but i'm a happy camper now... ryuichi sounds really great live. and there's that... feeling i guess, can't really describe it, but somehow the songs sound better live than as compared to the studio versions... i don't know... or maybe it's just my imagination running wild... *sigh* i miss them... and i miss ryuichi... listening to his voice here... it's so unlike the voice you here in... *ahem* julia *ahem*...

and that would lead us to... monday

i went back to dhs to clear my locker, because they [evil school authorities] were threatening to not give us our results and testimonial if we didn't clear out our locker... and i was the only one daft enough to take them seriously. but more than anything else... i wanted my lock! (wait that sounds strange...) but i like my lock. and its combination is so easy to remember... *sigh*

then lugging these books in my bag... i went to give raining tuition at marine parade library. (didn't help that my back and arm were still sore from sunday's badminton game... *groan*) raining's not a bad student... she just makes you wonder occasionally what she's been doing in class... but not bad enough to make me go absolutely ballistic and run around the library screaming...

so that would lead us to... tuesday

which is graduation day... *sigh* everyone was calling each other up trying to know what the other was wearing so no one ends up too flashy/formal/slutty.

and i finally screwed up enough courage to go sleeveless (big deal... not.) but it was okay in the end. though everyone promised each other to go in pants, everyone went in skirt (hm...) and michelle looked like she was going to like, marry teng cheng or something. she was wearing a nice black dress and put up her hair and all, but nothing can be compared to cherilyn. i mean, not many people can carry that off, and considering she did... i guess that's commendable. pity she doesn't have a figure. (*bitch alert*) the graduation ceremony was really boring, so i and audrey ended messaging each other in the auditorium (*snerk*)

but i guess the best bit would be the 'dance' part. it started out really slowly, with some videos and stuff, and when they were showing the videos, everyone left their seats to go to sit down on the dancefloor and watch, but when the videos were over... bei bei came up to sing a song... and the sad thing was the floor instantly cleared and everyone went back to their seats *snerk* shuzhen was commenting, "so realistic..." but bei bei will be bei bei lah. showy and wannabe. we're all pretty sure she'll pop up in star search in the future. and we also heard that bei bei, with an l1r5 of 21 will be going hc, just because she's like, ranked 5th in nationals for table tennis or something... *scowls* and that's just damned unfair. apparently she came into dhs on a 'sports scholarship' too...

but the night i guess really came alive when the geps started to dance. i mean, it was rather funny, and embarassing... but you need to admire the geps. at the end of 4 years... i guess i have increased my respect for the geps (mostly due to dewen and bryan)... they were all like, jumping up and down and doing all those dorky disco moves and later started this can-can line... *laughs* then the emcees had to spoil all the fun by interrupting it with this miserable lucky draw, with $10 takashimaya vouchers...

to be shared among the whole class... (hn.)

then everyone just went back to dancing, and somehow all our class girls decided to go down, for the fun of it, and i somehow ended up doing this dance with audrey... *lol* then we went to get dewen to give us a few pointers in dancing *lolololololol* but the one that took the cake was the dancing king/queen competition...

choi ended up being selected to take part and it was hilarious. 4h was just standing on the sidelines laughing our heads off... it started off with a slow dance, but choi was like holding the girl by her shirt, and refused to hold her waist properly... and everyone was like, "choi! open your hand!" or "choi! hold her waist!" (ah, everyone's a sadist... deep down inside) and when the fast dance came *LOL* have you ever seen senior citizens dance at community centre functions? like how they try to shake their hips, and clap along to the music whilst moving from side to side? yeah, choi was dancing like this. everyone had a field day doing impressions. poor justin and jamie though. if choi weren't in the competition, they'd win hands down (then again, they're an actual couple, so i don't think it counts)

shuzhen ended up becoming best cca chairperson (the look on her face was priceless. before the results were anounced she was like, "not me not me not me...") and teng cheng ended up becoming best class chairperson *beams* so 4h had a rather good nite (though we didnt win any lucky draw. *scowls*)

*sighs* i do wish hui huang won prom king though... *snerk* it would have been so funny... but ck won in the end, because his supporters were really vocal about their support ("ck! ck! ck!") and cherilyn won (which was no great surprise really, considering that she was probably the one who really, and i mean really dressed up for the occasion) prom queen, though i wished she didn't try to act surprise when her name was announced. everyone knew she would win, and yet she still did the whole, 'cover-the-mouth, look shocked, tell people you didn't expect it' routine which was rather... fake... but *shrugs* ah well.

at the end of it all, mel, audrey and me decided to leave a it earlier than everyone else to avoid the crowd, and it started with hugging huiying and yijun, then it was like, hey, we'll never quite see each other like this anymore so... all the 4h girls just started hugging each other, and it felt so very sad again... (and i told myself i wouldn't get teary on tacky ol' graduation day... tsk tsk...) and as we were walking out to wait for mel's dad, melissa was like, 'you know what, i actually think i enjoyed graduation nite... oh no, what's wrong with me?!' *sigh* and audrey was getting really teary and... i don't know... i looked at dhs for the last time and felt a slight twinge...

it's like, just yesterday i was in sec one, miserable, and counting down the days till the sec one year ended... and then suddenly in sec 3 school life became so fun... and i actually started enjoying myself. like when you have to stay, you can't wait to leave, and then when you're leaving, you realise, you do want to stay after all. it's like i'll only want to be miserable in dhs and no where else... aw man... *sigh* what's wrong with me... and i mean singapore is tiny. the chances we'll see each other again are pretty big, and it's not like we're moving to different states or something... we've still got bloody jc, for god's sake. (but i think i'll get teary sending li chun off at the airport... and on christmas day too... how poetic.) i don't know... it's the same ol' feeling once again. i'll never sit in that classroom again. i'll never see these people as 'classmates' ever again. i'll never walk down that corridor struggling with textbooks again. i'll never quite step into dhs the same way again, y'know?

i don't know... dhs had so many bad times for me... i pretty much struck rock bottom in sec 2, and yet... upper sec changed my life. it sounds so trite, but it did. it got me believing in human beings again... and the girls in my class are so damn nice, and perky, and chirpy, and unassuming... i really don't know.

i'll really miss these people, whether i like it or not. i mean, maybe some of the memories will fade, but it's just like you gave an integral part of you to everything that happened in dhs. every photo you took. every celebration you took part in. and when you're leaving... you're just leaving something behind. something you wish you can take with you, but you can't. like how you can't take back gifts you've given people. it's gone. *sigh*

and i'm supposed to be the one who hated the school. oh my god, dhs does suck the personality out of you! oh no! and shihui actually told me that i've become more cheena. OH NO! i'm ailin, the kantang kid. i can't be cheena. nooooooooo...

and that would lead us to today

woke up feeling very strange. like i had this perculiar dream i can't quite remember. like feeling that i actually cared for something. strange...

then i gave raining tuition again... and she's improving *grin* it's a great feeling when your student actually improves...

oh my god.

did i sound like a teacher? oh my god... this is freaky. what's happening to me? i'm growing old!

oh no...

sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my youth away. i wonder if i grew up a bit too soon. i mean, i can act really immature sometimes... but i still feel old all the same. i'm not going to remain young forever you know. 4 years of secondary school life just passed me by. 2 years of jc might pass even faster. then i'll be in university. i sounds silly, doesn't it, wanting to remain young forever... but i do. i don't want to grow old. i just want to have fun. i don't have enough time for fun now. i mean, yeah, the os are over... but i have 1 month. 1 month, after slogging away for 4 years, i get 1 measly month to relax. i mean, the minimum amount of hours a human should get to sleep should be the same as for most animals: 18 hours. that leaves 6 hours for other activities.

and yet when i actually relax, i feel like i should be doing something meaningful with my life... i mean, i get up at 10:30 and i rot away in front of the tv... and then sleep at 1am...

argh... i'm contradicting myself again... ailin you walking paradox you... *sigh*

ailin had the last laugh @ 09:38 p.m. on Wednesday, November 28, 2001