*----------*

//out//
her eating habits have changed over the past years. before she reached high school, she was quite a picky eater. and she didn't eat as much.. then. they had to force her to eat.. and they even gave her these vitamins just to strengthen her appetite. high school came and so did the fast food craze, junk food craze, soda craze etc. the end result was she gained weight super fast. from an 80 lbs 5 ft girl her weight started getting out of hand. it was also then that the mentality of "finish your food" started to set in.
well, battling with food everyday is a way to lose the battle because at some point your self-resistance is going to cave in. i guess the only way to win this battle, is a total change in attitude about food, yourself and about life. in our times, food is almost readily available so there's no need to hog everything. you eat only what you feel your body needs and not what you think your body needs. depression is another way to trigger those hunger pangs. if your depressed, get rid of it quickly or just move out of the way of food. fast foods, junk foods and those softdrinks should be avoided. imagining the "junk" inside your body is one way to avoid craving for the wrong kinds of food. well.. so there goes. dieting to the point of feeling dizzy, nauseous etc is not going to work. not eating could make you even more hungry. when hungry, just eat and eat right. and when you're not hungry (even though it's time to eat), avoid eating. in other words, just listen to your body.

//out2//
assumptions are well and good but assuming too much might lead to a wrong conclusion.
there are people you know, people you want to know, people you want to get to know better, friends, good friends and people who are already part of you... i guess we all relate differently to one another. and even those you don't see often, they still feel close to you. even separated, just thinking about them, it seems that time hasn't passed. and even if i won't be able to see them again.. i owe my smiles to them and they have my gratitude for accepting and understanding my tears. =)

//out3// before i already knew i loved you, i already did... the moment of my undoing was the moment when i chose to know you...

*----------*

~boring~
My room needs to have a makeover. My blog needs to have a makeover. Everything seems to be needing some kind of change! But I'll think about it next time.

~others~
Just downloaded a couple of episodes of Sailormoon Live Action. Hehe. It's quite cute. There are a lot of differences from the animation and the live action but the end product is still pretty good.
I heard there's a new pepsi commercial with f4 in it. I wonder if they'll show it here.
To Yukichan: *pouts* Where are you? //dances the calling-for-lost-piggy tribal dance// I guess she's busy =| I should learn to become more independent from old friends. =/
Quite hooked on American Idol, SCQ, and Oprah. =_='' Must stop watching TV.. must stop..

*----------*

gym
a friend has a new g-mik this summer. she just signed up for the gym and in just 5 months with her weight loss program she's supposed to lose around 40 pounds (or money back). i told her it was a healthy investment since she's prone to diabetes and the only way to combat the disease is to stay fit!

no water
just when you feel icky (because of the humidity) there's no h20 available. someone please bring me some clean water!

by the river piedra...
i read the book again and i can't still find out the priest-wannabe's name. =_= well, its a nice book. (a little on the emotional side, with symbolisms and a whole lot of catholic influences)

of to the spa
tralalala lala la
going to a place to relax
and i just might like it
when its going to be
soon
tralalala lala la

my new addiction
i am now a shoujo manga addict. been downloading stuff from here and there. weeh! of course the scanlations can't be delivered as fast as you want them but its okay, there's a lot of stories to choose from. from merupuri to zettai kareshi -- im hooked. i can't wait for the next releases. ^__^
oh there's also a sailormoon live action series. ive been trying to download it. (dsl so slow) ;_; i was hooked with the animation in my grade school to high school years. and now, im just going to take a peep on the show although the screencaps i've seen told me not to expect too much. ^^

*----------*

those darn eyebags
i guess its true that you add a few more lines in your face just because of thinking unhappy thoughts. stress definitely makes you look older. and i don't think those lines plus the dark pouches under my eyes would go away. grah. oh whatever happens will happen anyway so there shouldn't be any need for worrying right? .. just have to face the music and dance to its tune.

missie missie
i sorely miss the company of kindred souls. now i don't have their mirth, their stories, and their shining souls to liven up my day. i just have memories that are getting cloudier by the minute. i wonder if ill still be "me" as time passes by. what if i forget the things that meant most to me? what if i forget the people who have "touched" me? what if i stop being me.. and being someone i "ought" to be? day by day.. the fog thickens. im attempting, clinging to a past that's no longer there. im clinging for dear life to the me that i knew because i feel different. i don't know who i am anymore. and there's nobody to remind me of who i am.

pampered
the nonessential and the essential have gotten all mixed up in my head. luxury becomes necessity and sometimes necessity has to give way to pampering. there's more to buy but less money to buy with (or is it just in my head). being a "hater" of appearances and things that deceive.. im being caught in a tidal-wave makeover that's going to coat me with a plastic appearance and dissolve the me that im trying so hard to protect. and day by the day it is being dissolved by an acid so strong, that the damage made could be irreversible.

*----------*

hot?~~
I'm a little upset with myself for not being able to get some information that I should have gotten but wasn't able to because of my stubborness. It could have been simple as please or hello but I had to remain stubborn as a rock. And I'm upset because the reason why I was so stubborn was because I don't want to become dependent on people and now I am. I'm not just dependent -- I'm a P-E-S-T! And I hate that feeling! I shouldn't take more than I am given. If I'm given something, I should be grateful and that's the end of that. I shouldn't ask for more... because it's like abusing a friendship. =( And I'm so upset. Really.

Mess
It started with my room
I welcomed the tornado
And it got me to Kansas
And my mind went spinning
breaking
And realized I wasn't in Wonderland anymore
And the truth was
I lived inside the mess
And now that I'm out of it
I could see it for what it is
A DARN STUPID MESS

*----------*

~i remember him not..~
i used to dream about him
every waking moment
before I sleep
as my mind idly slips to eden
now, i do not even remember his face
cannot remember his voice
could not remember what he has done for me

silently, i contemplate
i only have his name
i think and my brows furrow
i only have his name
i sadly smile
i could not remember him
childish fantasies disappear
light shone upon reality
he wasn't real
i could not remember him

*----------*

heal the land

Even though we utter such words several times a day, sing that song several times a week, cry out to heaven those words at least once a month, it just simply won't happen if people won't let their hearts be healed.

Everyone of us has his/her fair share of trials, traumatic experiences, and broken moments. Sometimes, we just leave it at that and move on. Sometimes, we bury it inside our minds, but our hearts don't forget nor forgive. Sometimes the person hardest to forgive is oneself... it starts with "if only i..." and ends with regret.

When it comes to one's own broken soul, people would cover it up with other material things -- fill it up with clothes, fill it up with work, fill it up with religion, fill it up with something else... anything that would make one forget a pain and even a sadness.

If everyone is suffering like everyone else, I don't think it's possible to heal a broken nation... because people can't even mend one broken soul.. their own =)

*----------*

//ice?//Every problem they say, has its own solution but inadvertently creates another problem. It’s just that a person never really solves a problem. When a person grows, the problem just becomes too small and immaterial to be called a problem. In a one plus one equation, the answer may not really be two. We just accept it as two. And after that we don’t bother anymore.

*----------*

~shortie~Seeing a guy who was using a water pump to get water, dad says "basta tapos na tayo diyan. hindi na tayo ulit maghihirap. we can only move up." dad was so happy that one of his daughters will be able to get a scholarship to 5 schools. mom was silent. she wasn't sure about whether she liked the idea or not. having dad in such high spirits again, she didn't want to ruin the moment.

*----------*

~Cravings~ The problem with wanting something that you can easily get hold of, yet choose not to take, is that you eventually settle for the substitute. And still your craving won't be satisfied no matter how many substitutes you have. And when you decide to go for what you wanted in the first place, the satisfaction is short-lived. And then you realize you don't have any clue at all on what you really want. And then you get depressed. Until you have something you want again. And then we go back to the beginning.

*----------*

~plan~ I set up this plan ... er.. rather a time schedule -- with only 5 hours of sleep! WOHOO! O_o But truly, I don't think I'll be able to follow it through. WOHOO! But thinking about following the plan.. makes me almost feel efficient! ^_^

//kelangan..?//
Kelangan ko ba maging malambing para ipakita na ako ay may pakiramdam?
Kelangan ko ba magsalita para ako ay maintindihan?
Kelangan ko ba ngumiti para ako ay maging masaya?
Kelangan ko ba sumagot para makaintindi?
Kelangan ko ba umiyak para malaman mo nasaktan mo ko?

~Brushing tips~ I have one of the most annoying, disobedient, unruly hair. Anyway, I'm sort of experimenting how to manage it without spending too much time on it. So here goes (from shampooing to brushing hair)
Step 1: Wet Hair.
Step 2: Shampoo hair. (Optional: Shampoo could be mixed with a little bit of water before applying. This is to minimize "harsh" shampoo-effects)
Step 3: Rinse. (VERY WELL) Shampoo leaves residue so..
Step 4: Towel dry hair.
Step 5: Apply Conditioner. (be generous) Try to apply conditoner by sections. Make sure to condition the ends of the hair and the scalp. Massage by sections. (this is to avoid tangling)
Step 6: After leaving on, for the recommended time (usually 1-2 minutes) rinse.
Step 7: Squeeze excess water using a towel.
Step 8: Use a wide toothed comb on towel dried hair. Comb the hair slowly. If you comb it fast, you may have frizzy hair.
Step 9: Try not to use a blowdryer, fan when drying hair. Just manage with the towel and comb.
Step 10: After hair is combed and is already somewhat dry, use a rubber tipped brush on hair. Use until hair "tames" a bit.
Step 11: When hair is dry, use a smoothening brush (the one with bristles) and brush hair slowly. This is to remove hair's frizziness.

~Perfect love casts away fear~ I'm facing my fears one by one. Trying to overcome them.. one by one. It's quite difficult 'coz most of the time I end up two places back from where I last stood. Still, I know.. I believe.. I'll be happier the moment they won't bother me anymore. =D

*----------*

Yesterday was my sister's graduation. Grabe! I had at least 3 other former classmates whose sisters were also graduating. One of the cadets in the graduation was also a former classmate of mine. The ceremony was super long. It was held on the open field. And the ceremony was interrupted twice due to unexpected weather conditions. I felt really uncomfortable sitting on the chair for so long. Sitting on an open field that smelled like cat's shit. And having mosquitoes attack me. Still the ceremony was solemn, nice and nostalgic. I could remember myself wearing that uniform. Having my hair tied back in a pony tail. Remembering how different my views on life were back then. Most of the parents brought their tiny small digital cams to take pictures of their daughters. Weeh. Next thing in line would be to save up money for a small kawaii digicam!
After the ceremony we were supposed to eat at this japanese restaurant. But since it was sooo late and the resto would close at 10, we just ate at another place. Somehow, i figured my dad went overbudget 'coz in plan A we were supposed to order around one meal each. In plan B however, we ordered different dishes and some more. So, there goes the budget and the weight loss program. Haha!
It was almost midnight when we arrived at home. I thought I could have time for studying but I was exhausted. Hehe. Exhausted from sitting on my tush for 5 hours! But I did manage to watch an interview on tv with my parental units. Oh well.
Love Storm is going to be shown on GMA 7! OMG! I can't wait! Vic and Ken look so cute. Vic looks a bit sinister though! ^_^

*----------*

I was supposed to go to SM Manila to buy something to eat. I was having a tremendous craving for something "agricultural" like a salad and corn ( maize). I would have bought some from the sidewalk vendor if I could only be certain that I won't be having an upset stomach after eating their corn. So, off we went to SM Manila. The weather was so nice -- warm, cozy, hot. O_o I had turned on the car air-conditioner to set the room temperature at a tolerable though warm atmosphere. Anyway, I was having second thoughts on proceeding to the mall. I was already looking at the neon signs, KFC.. Kenny Rogers but that little voice said, "if you go in there.. you're going to splurge and you'll end up with no more money" So, the stingy me refused to set foot on the mall. So, I proceeded to my plan B. Plan B, was to get my ID card from the Library. This was a plan that I should have done several months ago. The traffic was quite heavy going to Rizal Park (where it was located). But still, I quite enjoyed the warm atmosphere, heavy traffic, noisy cars, posters of candidates running in the may elections, buses cutting, huge trailers that are threatening to turn your car into a tin can.. etc. Arriving at the place, I was about to get out of the car but my eye caught sight of a few moving colors. Blue people with helmets.. the police. Somehow in that area, a group decided to hold a marching rally or something. There was even the presence of some mediamen. So, I didn't get to go out of the car and wasn't able to get my ID card. In the end, I didn't have my salad nor my corn. At home I settled for crackers with garlic spread and instant pansit (noodles). It was depressing. Arriving at home, I wasn't able to watch Ms. O. And this contributed another kind of depression to my already depressing day. Sigh.

*----------*

~butterfly~ Just watched the butterfly effect. The movie had some loose ends. The Ashton I watched there was so different from the Ashton from Dude Where's My Car.

~crossroads~ It's that time again where even what seems the smallest of decisions can have the largest impact in life. One smile, one nod.. I could have changed my life. One word, one look.. I would have been different. One thought.. one small movement of the little finger.. I might have realized my destiny. The future's not mine to hold.. it does not exist. Let the future take care of itself. But my decision still rests in me and not IN the possible worlds it could lead me. The problem is, I'm afraid to take that responsibility of choosing. I'm afraid of the consequences that my actions would bring. The problem is, I don't know what I want. I only know a little bit of me, and it does not seem enough to make a wise choice. =(

~love~ Infatuation is like being sick with the flu. It lasts only a week or two. Afterwards, you wonder if ever it was love or just a childish fantasy. Fantasies are fleeting and it'll make you want more. More than what's healthy. Love just exists. It accepts. You can love those that came into your life. You can love those that links you to life. I just know that love and life are almost the same.

*----------*

~sigh~ I know of someone whose condition is getting worse. His feet is already decaying because of diabetes. He won't listen to me. He won't stop smoking. He won't stop drinking. And he won't stop eating those unhealthy food. He claims he's okay. He's so stubborn. I don't want anything bad to happen to him...

~sigh part 2~ We ate together *blinks*. It was a coincidence. I almost said no. We're just good friends daz all. I still have to figure out what makes him "tick". He's my only link to a past I sorely miss. =( But it was his treat.. and we are good friends... I think.

~sigh triple~ Whenever I feel unsure, I always consult a book. Most of the time it turns out to be the Bible. Lately.. almost daily I would read it.. not just once.. not just twice.. but a lot. I keep on searching for clues on how I could solve my problems. Now, I could even understand the Old Testament. It's a progression that surprises me.

~Unprepared~ //I'm so unprepared. I'm so not-ready. I don't think I'll ever be. My hobby is procrastinating. I just don't care. Yet I feel a tiny prick. A tiny vein throbbing inside my head -- Just do it. Do anything. Anything but nothing.//

~baka~ "The sun was quite hot." O_o I actually wrote that one. Haha! When I'm blogging, sometimes the thoughts get jumbled and mixed. And so.. there's the result. I'm sure there are a lot more... Haha.

*----------*

~it did not work!Trying to avoid my *addiction* only made me want more of it. I'm still feeling the *need* to turn on the television.. to feel its radioactive rays and I also still feel the need to type something on the neglected compy. I keep on repeating to myself, "No Tv TODAY.. No Computer TODAY.." and by the time I'm in front of these temptations.. I can't help myself. Maybe I'll start using, "No Tv NOW.. No Computer NOW.." and start working on those numbers.

~a little birdie~Some little birdie made a nest in our little garden. I haven't seen it yet but according to those who have, there were little birdie eggs on the little birdie nest made near one of my mom's orchids. Before, we used to have captive lovebirds who decided that a cage wasn't a good place to raise their children. Whether, a rat, a cat, or the birds themselves killed the poor unborn kiddies, I do not know. But I strongly suspect that the parents did it. Anyway, its nice to know, the some free spirited ordinary maya bird decided that of all places in this wild city, our little garden was a good enough nesting ground.

~spf ?~They say that in your twenties you have to minimize the use of those creams with the salycic acid thingie and put on a good amoung of sunblock. By mid 20s irritating lines will begin to appear under the eyes and other fine lines on the face. So, they suggest that you use sunblock with a good spf number to minimize the chance of those lines appearing.
Hmm..

~dream?~I dreamt of him smelling my hair while I'm sleeping! Should I be freaked out? Scared? or be Pleasantly surprised? My subconscious mind is trying to communicate something.. what could it be?

Nothing too personal.. Nothing too impersonal.. Nothing too deep.. Just light to make it right.

*----------*

~veggie diet~ I attempted to have a weekend free of meat, dairies and all those kinds of stuff. But I can't. But I did manage to limit the amount of meat I ate to chicken meat, a few bits of bacon (it was in the salad!) and small portions of fish. Amazingly, despite those few portions, I feel quite full. Probably 'coz I kept on munching on the greens which occupied my entire plate. It was only tossed salad but adding a little bit of cheese, bacon, croutons, and olive oil it was okay. I tried having salad for breakfast lunch and dinner but somewhere in between I snuck in a few onion rings, and a small portion of noodles.
~tomatoes~ I love tomatoes. I'm craving right now for tomatoes with itlog na maalat (the red egg) and hot rice with a little bit of galunggong and/or tuyo (the fish) and eat it kamayan style. But I shouldn't. =( I have to control myself.

~workout~ I tried jogging for 30 minutes. They say you lose 400 calories in a 30 minute jog. But since I was only jogging in my room, it was kind of boring. So, I kind of mixed weird dance steps (=_=') to make it more fun. I only managed to do a 15-min workout 'coz I got so thirsty and once I took a break, I was too lazy to start again.
~thoughts~ I wish there's also a workout that could make you taller. Maybe 4 inches taller. =(

~stolen tv~ I stole the television from my sister's bedroom. She's so good at multitasking with watching tv, while chatting while studying while listening to the radio while talking on the phone while texting on her cellphone while eating. =_=' So, I exchanged my older tv with hers while she was away. But I seemed to have forgotten something. I forgot to take also the cable connection in her room. So, I have to make do with the signals that the twisted antenna receives. =( I only get the local channels!

~not so essential plans?I will lose those bulges, the extra fat and the unsightly masses.
I will grow taller by 4 inches by the end of the summer! (As if =p)
I will be able to sing in perfect pitch and develop my voice power by the end of the year O_o.
I will be able to play the endless love theme in the piano. (I have to exercise those finger joints first)
I will develop a hair care system to remove my hair's frizziness, make it more shiny, silky and smooth.
I will be able to "spring-clean" my desktop and laptop. =_='
I guess that's it. I have to get back to "work".

*----------*

~greetings~ It's been quite a while since I've placed myself in front of the computer. I told myself that I wouldn't touch the dreaded addicting thing until after my exams. But a friend of mine, requested that I email something to her. And so, one thing led to another. So here I am blogging. Tomorrow, I'll be sitting in front of the computer again, emailing her. And I should make my farewell to my computer short and sweet. Anyway, I'll be free in just a couple of months. Weeh!

~miss~ I miss him. He's such a good friend. I wonder why this has to happen. Is he avoiding me? Am I avoiding him? Why is it so darn awkward? I have no idea. *pouts* =| I miss him. All those in high heaven, please explain to me why he's not "communicating" to me anymore. Is he mad? Did I say something wrong? He doesn't like me anymore? I'm too nosy to be his friend? What what what!!!

~Lost in Translation~ I just wanted to put it down 'coz I want to watch it. There's also some sequels to some films: The Ring: Spiral, The Grudge 2.

~yummies~Jollibee's new tuna pie tastes pretty good. Reminds me of the ol' chicken ala carte they used to serve in my old high school.
+June aka BYJ of Endless Love: Winter Sonata. I really liked the color and highlights of his hair in the last episode of the series. He looks so cute like a puppy dog. *sigh* He reminds me of someone. *pouts*.
+Wallace Huo of Go West! He's pretty cute. But he's too pretty for me.
+Nail polish. I've been trying out nail polish and I found something that made my nails look like the ones from a little girl's doll. It's colorless but with a touch of pink so my nails look stained. Unfortunately, it's not heavy-duty. Due to the work my hands/fingers have to go through.. writing, lifting, flipping pages, dragging stuff, etc. my nails look a little bit "harrassed" afterwards. I removed the polish using acetone and I just think I used a bit too much. My nails suddenly had white lines similar to a stocking run. *wrinkles nose* Oh well, my nails look like the plain jane that I am again.

Here's my poor li'l neglected lovables. *Sigh* I'll make it up somehow. =/

*----------*

travel i was so busy with my studies that i stressed myself out, began growing dark circles under my eyes, and instead of having feet i had roots crawling in my bedroom. i guess my mom was worried about me. later in the day, she called me up and asked me if i wanted to go with her for a factory visit. well, i badly needed fresh air, so i went with her (bringing along my materials, of course). along the way, we stopped by a jollibee drive-thru to buy something to munch on. i didn't want to eat too much since the driver was driving so fast. i was afraid of getting sick in the car. regarding the materials, i only read a few pages when we got held up in the tollways, a few traffic spots. when we arrived at the place, it was around noontime. It was quite hot, and the weather made me sleepy. so the studying was not going to happen. i stayed in the car, slept, while sometimes opening an eye to glance at the book on my lap. lesson: you will not be able to study while you're outside your usual place of studying.
when we left the place, we stopped by el mare-mar. it's some kind of bakeshop where you buy mango pie, pineapple pie, and buko bibingka! it's quite good and i think i put on weight because i ate a little bit of this and that.

like? //i may like you but if i told you that you may not like me anymore. i know you like me maybe in a lesser degree than i like you. i like you more than i think you like me but maybe less than i think liking should be like. but i would like it if you liked me the same way i like you. and i would still like liking you the way i like you or maybe more.//

*----------*

shortie //Siguro nga manhid na ako. Nagiging matigas na yelo na ang puso ko. Nasunugan yung bahay nung kakilala ko, wala lang ako pakealam. Nasunog lahat ng gamit niya. Umiiyak na siya. Hindi ko magawang umiyak. Nalulungkot ako para sa sarili ko. Nagiging pusong bato ako kapag tungkol sa ibang tao. Kaya ko lang umiyak kapag tungkol sa sarili ko. Eh, sabihan ka pa naman ng "I hate you" bawat linggo. Gusto ko talaga iwasan yung tao na yun, pero hindi pwede. Nilulunok ko na lang lahat ng pait ng sinabi niya. Nilulunok ko na lang ang luha na nagbabantang tumulo.//

~clip~ The episode they aired yesterday on Oprah was about the internal organs. It was quite graphic but it also made me realize the importance of keeping yourself fit. People may look normal on the outside, but the insides of the human body have something different to say. Some things that I'll be practicing for the year would be --
Meditation
Eating healthy (no colas, no junk food)
Oh yeah, eating more veggies and fiber rich food >_<
Exercising (im still thinking how to go about this XD)
I hope I could achieve peace of mind, calmness of spirit and a healthier me! I'm trying to spread this mentality to my family and friends.

desktop Weeh! I changed my desktop look. Icons are different. Cursors are different. Wallpaper -- different. I still want to customize some more but it gets a little more complicated than those three. My active desktop doesn't even work. I tried tweaking the registry settings but all it did was give me a headache and dark circles under my eyes. I guess for now, I have to stop the tweaking.

my new quick launch icons. just a glimpse.

list Just so I won't forget, I have to make a list --
take back my digicam
scan the wedding pix
have my hair fixed (it looks like a rat's nest if there's such a thing)
have a foot and hand massage
redecorate my room
I think those are in my low-medium priority list but just so I won't forget..

*----------*

STOP, THINK
here we go again falling in love again
falling in love all over
we though we've seen the end
thought it was over then
but the feeling's back and we're starting over

hanging conversation, silly accusations
we never made it through cos me and you
we never had a chance... and now we're taking another

stop think wait a minute is it love that we really feel
we've been hurting bad we've been hurt before
don't you fall until we know for sure
stop think wait a minte is it love that we really feel
we've been there before we've been through that door
don't you fall until we know for sure

here we go again taking a chance again
finding ourselves together
falling in love again losing it all again
watching the world go by as we're starting over