yesterday's feelings

Close my eyes
and move
to the back of my mind
The worries
are washed out to sea
See the changes,
people's faces blurred out
Like sunspots or raindrops

Now all those feelings,
those yesterdays feelings
will all be
lost in time
but today
i've wasted away
for today
is on my mind..

got off work early today coz ...umm..they were doing business and in business, when sales dip, you play-do your workers to fit into the leaking crack of your cheap safe..so they chased me home. which really made my day actually.

got off 2 hours early, so i decided to drop by grandma's house to pass her some wedding stuff left behind...she was alone and sewing the curtains, the television keeps her company..i know she doesnt really watch them coz she'll keep saying how irritating that indonesian actress is while sewing but tv's still on anyway..i thought i'd keep her company and stayed for awhile, ate some of her mee rebus..i forgot how fantastic she cooks..

so much has changed to that place..new lifts, an additional small room added during the upgrading..they're in the middle of building a new parking lot..so much has changed..but when i stepped into the house, it's all still the same like 15 years ago..the 3-room hdb flat(sorta 4-room now) where i used to stay during the weekdays, with my grandma and 3 uncles, while my mom and dad were workin...i went to kindergarten there..it was sweet sweet home..slept on mattresses on the floor every night but i wouldn't trade it for anything else really.. i'd even silently cry and miss those mattresses whenever i slept even a day, on a bed, over at another aunt's or uncle's house sometimes. some days and weekends, i'd go home to mom and dad..and they'd surprise me with some new toys sometimes..maybe making up for lost time..

i don't recollect much of those times..'cept i frequently played with some relatives who were also neighbours..and there was this old chinese lady who sold sweets and those big gum balls in her house..we'd stand at her gate,where we have a good view of everything she's neatly arranged to sell, it was a sorta home mini snack shop, we'd look in and make our choices of what we'd wanna get..i forgot what other stuff she sells but i buy the gum balls alot..and then there's this tailor, my grandma's wet-market kaki, who lives upstairs, she sold 10 cents flavored ice and i'd run up and buy them bandung flavored ones often..and her grandson once called me a "cicak kobeng" coz i was skinny...hehah..and i remembered how my grandma was pissed when i told her..but not to the extent that she was all serious and all la..altho she passionately said that the boy was skinnier than me (which was totally true)..and only a "cicak kobeng" will call others "cicak kobengs"..muahah..

usually after school, i'd always get to buy pah-per pah-per..as in "apa-apa"..(anything)..which referred to snacks from the mama shop, the term came up each time grandma asks if "nak beli apa-apa?"(want to buy anything?), where i pronounce "apa-apa" as pah-per pah-per..i was sooo pampered with snacks then...yes..tora..hero cake, ding dang..twisties..collon..pocky..cornettos..the big ol' always-smiley indian uncle who overprices knows me by face..once my dad fetched me frm school..and we took the school bus home..and i got motion-sickness and i puked at my dad's lap all over his jeans..but i still got to buy my pah-per pah-per after that..hmm.. i miss my pah-per pah-pers...

i remembered once i saw a kid who ate a chocolate in the shape of a cigarette and i wanted to get em..and i think i pointed to a box of condoms which looked like a cigarette box but didn't have a cigarette brand print on it..so i figured maybe thats the chocolate..muahah..and my grandma went "eh! tak boleh! tu tak boleh!"(eh cannot! that one cannot!)..and i remembered askin why but i forgot what my grandma said..i think she changed subjects..and i didn't get it then..i thought maybe she wouldnt like me to immitate smoking cigarettes with chocolates...muahah

always went to the market with my grandma..always got to buy snacks...always didn't help her carry all those stuff..muahah..ok i did la..she only let me carry the light ones..always dodging like CIA agents from this mentally deranged indian guy who hangs out at the area..

ok i can go on and on bout memories of my grandma's place la..so now the place is a lil bigger..alot more different..much prettier..lotsa memories there..every hari raya..the whole family meets there..all of my grandma's 10 children and their husbands and wives and their children..and then we visit her siblings together after that..i hope she doesnt sell that house..it's got too many memories for too many people.

so i waited and ate the mee rebus while the suria channel was on..my grandma sewing the curtains..complaining bout my uncle complaining to have curtains for the new room..then my uncle came back from some wedding..and the house is not quiet anymore..hehah..so i decided to leave then...she gave me a pre-arranged (ironically by me, last week) 5 pieces of 2 bux(money frm my uncle's wedding that we counted) and some snacks before i left....she always has to gIve somethin..and i know when it comes to my grandma there's no point in saying "no"...

went home and accidentally napped..and missed half of gilmore girls! o well.