i have the urge to indulge in self-pity...if you're reading this and you think you have something better to do then i suggest that you're probably right. this is an entry mainly for my demoralised self. so skip it and feed your dog instead.
im feeling distant from school. firstly because of a sudden pms-driven emotion that arose because of a sorta insulting incident that was pretty badly racist although the other party didn't intend it to be. which is kinda even worse because i felt so insulted after and the other party probably didn't have a clue of what he did wrong.(i know this is so vague but with no intention of sounding cocky, this is just for me to know), secondly because of a badly-flunked test..
lately i've consistently shrunk my pride feeling discriminated at probably little things. and its put me in a position where i conjure so much hate and disgust at a group of people. but they are the majority and that fact does nothing but make me feel worse. i've wondered what if i was born a different race in this country, would my pride be less vulnerable? or it probably has nothing to do with what i am but who i've become, the strength of my confidence had to do with how i grew up and not what skin color i am...but even so, whatever it is, sometimes i just.feel.trapped.undermyskin.
flunked badly for a take-home test...man, its just so...fucked. yes its a boring module, its the least popular module but i don't have any excuses for it cept for the fact that i've skipped a few lectures and i probably deserved it..i have no idea where i am heading in this other module which is just frustrating. i hate this module so much because we have a hongkonger teaching us about singapore society..i know im beginning to sound racist, yea i think underneath my exterior i've been suppressing these frustrations but not to the extend where i'll start to shave my head and wear tapered jeans and denim outfits. its just...frustrating...frustrated..like im being squashed into a mould i know i'll never fit.
its true..i am currently pms-ing..and theres just so much work..i wanna quickly get to 2nd year then 3rd year and do my major where its really something that i'd kill to do..until then i have to tolerate redundant irritating modules.......and yea.....my racism sentiments will fade, its not revolutionarily dangerous and i wont go 'hamas' on it..it seems more like a battle i've to reconcile between my feelings and reality.
just let me know
if i can get through the day
so i wouldn't waste my time
building the biggest castles
ignorantly near the waves...
jadedly yours,
the manipulatedly used.
Sunday, February 22, 2004 06:21 p.m.
another one goes down under...
there sheeee goessss...will miss your spastic shenanigans, drink gatorade, say "howdy mate", take care dudette and most importantly, enjoy the weather.
Friday, February 20, 2004 08:20 p.m.
if i suck, just say it
damn it...too many things..too many people..so so little time...
Thursday, February 19, 2004 11:48 a.m.
IT Must be the ASS!!!
am at school now..killing time waiting fer next tutorial..went for social psych lecture this morning after missing practically a whole bunch of em...it was bout conformity..pple conform to please pple conform to be liked pple conform to give others "face"..hmmyea...hmmkay..shoulda gotten another hour of sleep in the morning and just read the text to catch up..*yawn*..no im not saying im a smartass who can skip lectures and still do well...its just that i expected it to be more interesting..are my expectations too high? like sky high? mars&jupiter distance high? ...i just find it funny that i have high expetations on almost every other thing besides myself...no am not saying im humble..just that..i dont expect myself to do much..this vocabulary popped into my head yesterday as a new word to describe myself...and i dont really like it but it might be true.."unambitious"..im unambitious...but i can change that..right?right? woop..lesson starts in 2 minutes..*stretch*..haii
Sunday, February 15, 2004 07:29 p.m.
ummm....
some customers stare at the menu board like they're watching an "edge-of-your-seat thriller movie" on a flat screen...of course its a tough choice when it boils down to a cappuccino or a latte..do u want more milk or more coffee (although eventually all you ever pay for are milk and coffee-and if u wanna make ur money worth it just put lotsa sugar) or maybe when u pop by a cafe and ur tongue longs for coffee its actually asking for apple juice instead but suddenly right below where it says apple juice, the fonts of "mango smoothie" draws itself into a pair of lips, mouthing for you to buy it...and then the sizes of small, medium or large makes you play a mini russian roulette in your head to help you come to a conclusion of your choice size of drink.. oh gosh life is so tough with these kinda decisions...and when i ask if they need any reccomendations, they hold up their palm in this universal "wait" sign, flinching as if im gonna throw hot water on them...
and u know..i might just do that..if they dont make up their freakin minds by the time the "movie" ends..
Friday, February 13, 2004 12:50 a.m.
butterflies taste with their feet.
i got a henna tattoo on my left arm...a lil heart that looks like a wall's ice cream logo and a calligraphic set of initials that says J.T below it...hahah...im drunk over j.t, someone pass me the coffee..intoxicate me with something else so i dont become a useless junkie..hmmm..its been so long since i tried to rhyme..
lets train my self-esteem up one day at a time aye?...
Tuesday, February 10, 2004 01:07 a.m.
the room is hot with the windows closed.
some things cannot be rushed or slowed no matter how you wish you could control the things you do with your time...you cannot control time..yes..but you control the things you do with your time..or do you? coz some things are just an accidental fucking waste of my time..
Friday, February 6, 2004 10:08 p.m.
some people are wise, some are otherwise...
i realize we tell and hear dirty jokes every day, purposely or accidentally
accidental dirty joke #1:
me: (pointing to a whale soft toy in a bookstore) "Hey look, free willy.."
friend: "hey its the same one...my friend has that..she has a willy.."
.pause.look at each other.
me&friend: "bwahahahah..."
accidental (or not) dirty joke #2:
class discussion:
student A: "blah blah blah...maths prodigy..."
student C sitting at another end of the room: "huh? mass orgy?"
accidental dirty joke #3:
during lecture for the "Social Organization" module:
student A (late for class, comes in in a daze, looks around, whispers out loud): "this is social orgy right?"
the few of us who heard it chuckled under our breath..
student A still looks dazed and clueless..which just made it harder for me to suppress my uncontrollable suppressed laughter...
aye...we're such pervs, purposely or accidentally...and i dunno what it is with the word "orgy"...its prolly been suppressed in all our vocabulary that it just comes out when it feels like it..so watch out.
Tuesday, February 3, 2004 10:52 p.m.
its all good just turn it on.
i'm waving a translucent flag to a seemingly faraway receiver...im not tiring out just yet. I've since come to learn to live the mya angelou principle of always hoping for the best but also preparing myself for the worse..it sometimes makes you stay in one position for too long.i need a new line.
TidBitzz