Wow, I haven't written here in a long time. Okay, almost a month isn't that long, especially considering I sometimes go up to 4 months, but still. I was almost convinced of leaving this blog. Packing up and moving on to LJ where all the cool kids hang out. But a song on the radio reminded me of the old days and so I thought I would pay my dear old blog a visit.

I've had this blog since... before I got my website. Before I even got my laptop. Before I was in high school? .... Nah, it can't be that old. I guess I started this back when I was in 11th grade. But still, that's almost 4 years ago. Kinda feel bad that I've let it slip so much. I use to really like coming here, and ranting about whatever. Or bragging. I liked bragging here. And complaining. That was fun too. But then people slowly started to find this place out and I got scared. "oh no!" I would think "People I might know could be reading this!" And thus I ran.

It always amazed me how in-depth some bloggers would write about their life and problems. I mean, just mentioning that I'm on the sad side seemed like a risky idea. I could never imagine writing about how I truly felt on some days or whatever, at least, not where someone could read it, anyway. My brain would always step in and give me some lecture on how I should know better than that. But then again, all of the best writers and musicians wrote on depressing matters. If anything, it seems like a tragic tale will make you rich. Of course, following such tragic irony, some tragedy would prevent you from fully enjoying that which you gained. Alas, such is life. ^^;

*sighs* I guess I'm still debating whether or not to stay here or start writing more at LJ. Since I partially abandoned this place, the hits have gone way down. I kinda like that. I know, it's so incredibly stupid. If I don't want a lot of people reading my entries, why the hell am I keeping an online journal? Because, ladies and gents, I am an impossibly strange person. But I'm sure you've already realized that by now.

Besides, online journals have layouts. And I really like layouts. Even though I have been on the slacker side in that department this year. I think I have DH to blame for that. Really, throughout this entire entry while writing, the back of mind has kept nagging, 'Dude! You're staying up this late so you can finish working on the Winter Layout! Not so you can reminisce about your blog! You're such a freaking slacker!!! Get back to work already! >__<;;' And then it goes on to grumble about how all this yelling has made me hungry, but I already brushed my teeth and am not about to do it again. *yawns* Yes, this is why I usually avoid writing my true thoughts, lol. Ahaha, good times. ^_^;

Oy, now this entry is far too long. But I don't care; if feels nice to write again. Really write, not this info-gather-writing stuff I do for the site. Although the Avatar season finale is this friday.... as soon as it airs I'm sure I'm gonna have a lot of new stuff to write. *sighs* But for now I shall enjoy my limited freedom as I avoid working on the layout by continuing to write here. Heheh. .... But now it seems like I have nothing more to say. I guess that figures. Or like that tragic irony I was talking about earlier. Except, I guess this isn't exactly "tragic", but whatever. ^_^; Perhaps I shall return again soon, and perhaps with a new layout too. Well, one can hope anyway.

I'm thinking of moving. Not very far, but... somewhere away from here. I can't keep working like this - I get nothing done and before I know it my day is wasted. Or, more correctly, I realize I'm wasting time, but do nothing to stop myself from doing so. I can't keep living like this; not because it's tearing me apart, but because it's *not* tearing me apart. And that worries me.

The official move - the actual move - is someday before this time next year. I don't know when, and I'm not even sure where to. And therefore that makes it too far away to acknowledge realistically. I need a change of scenery and state of mind now. Otherwise I'm dooming myself back into the black hole where I don't give a shit anymore. And quite honestly, I just don't have the patience for that place like I use to. Maybe.... I'll move into Mel's old room. Or upstairs. Yeah, upstairs is nice. Although the lack of furniture would be troublesome, especially if I were to bring my computer with me. =/ If I had enough funds, I could just rent out elsewhere. I bet that would be fun, in a scary/new place kind of way. Maybe.

Or, I could just shut up, stop wasting time, and work on what needs to be done. But that's always easier said then done, just like moving across state lines.

Two more days until the new episode. I can so totally finish the updates before then. ...Even though I said that on Sunday, and haven't actually finished anything solid yet. But I am so close! Really! Right now it's just a matter of tying up loose ends and doing some finishing touches.

I've finally gotten around to revamping the DH Geography page and bringing it up to date. (mind you I haven't updated the online site yet) Although the page is getting rather long now, so I'll probably need to find a way to re-organize it, just like I'll have to with the Creatures and Items/Weapons pages. I have a few ideas on how to organize it, but there are a few minor tripping stones with the few entries that appear in multiple Nations. ....Of course, I could just post them in each Nation area that they appear in. Duh. -_-; Well then, I guess that solves that problem.

I've also started something else that should be fun; an Avatar Pumpkin Carving Competition! Yay! ^-^ I heart pumpkins. I haven't carved one in ages, but recently I've been thinking about them a lot. Not sure why -- I haven't even seen any carved pumpkins lately. Maybe it's because we bought candy corn this year... and it caused some sort of past memory chain reaction thing. Anyway, I figured a photo collection of Avatar-related carved pumpkins would be fun, not to mention it would give me an awesome excuse to buy/carve a pumpkin this year. ^.^ Right now I'm working on the official page of the APCC for DH, and should have it ready for tomorrow.

Also, thank you everyone for you kind words concerning a certain long-winded post a few entries back. As much as I love to run a one-woman show, perhaps it is time I started looking for staff members to help with Distant Horizon. Although I'm not sure what they could do, besides writing articles, ep guides, and maybe new cast bios or geography blurbs... OH! They/Someone could write up an info page on the main voice actors of the show! Yes! That would be most helpful, since the "Show" section of the site is rather lacking. ^^; I guess I'll start working on application forms for that then.

Okay, I think I got it figured out. It takes some practice to get it right, and requires more willpower than just sitting down and working (and takes twice as long to get there), but, I have hope. *ahem*

1. Find something important that needs to be done.
   ^{(like working on the updates for DH)}
    
2. Find something MORE important that must be done. ^{(like cleaning out and packing my room stuff)}
    
3. Go eat a light lunch or snack.
   ^{(what? ya can't work on an empty stomache!)}
    
4. Spend 5 minutes working on Step 2.
   ^{(ugh, cleaning? packing? *yawn*)}
    
5. Realize that this sucks, so work on Step 1 to avoid having to work on Step 2.

And that's it! ^_^ It worked well for me back in high school, so maybe it'll still work now. Of course, one must try hard to avoid the dreaded hidden Step 6: Realizing that you can avoid doing Steps 1 & 2 (for a while, anyway) by returning to goofing-off mode. Darn that Step 6! It was the reason I usually ended up doing my homework on the bus to school. -_-;

I realize what my problem is now. I've been confused for a while, and my rationality and pride mostly hid the truth from me, but now it is as clear as day. What's really sad though is that I've known this fact for almost half a year now. And while I caught glimpses of it now and then, I only now realize exactly what it means. And I really hate how long it's taken me to reach this point.

Around seven months ago, I created a fansite in honor of my new favorite show. I observed the wonderful episodes and compiled notes on the little facets that made this show so interesting, and posted 'em on my site for other fans. I thought it would be a fun little hobby to help me better enjoy the show, not to mention help other fans learn more about things they may have overlooked. I mean, all of my favorite fansites are information-oriented, so I thought it would be a good direction to take. Of course, those fansites that I took inspiration from are for fandoms that are pretty much dead or no longer receive official content. What the hell was I thinking, taking on a brand new series?

I realize now, far too late to abandon ship, that my "fun little hobby" has turned into the Never-Ending Project of Doom.

I have basically sold my freedom to a fansite that I don't even get paid to work on. What's worse, I've lost the motivation to keep working on it. I had a lot of fun when I first started it, but as its popularity grew, so did the pressure to keep updating it and working on new content and preparing the fanmade contributions. It's too much now, and I tire of all this work. I even dread the new episodes of this show because it means I'll have more work to do. I love this show, but I can't even enjoy the new episodes the same way I did when the series first started. All I see is work work work, and my spirit longs to be free. I just want to run away from it all and play Baten Kaitos.

But I can't. I mean, I can (and have), but I really shouldn't. It's too big now -- I can't just abandon the fansite because I'm lazy and would rather play video games than sift through dozens of emails and stay up late working on content. It's not an acceptable answer, and it's not fair to all of those people who like my site and visit it regularly.

Besides, I like my fansite. I'm proud of the work I've done, and I look forward to making more season-related layouts for it. Not to mention I really don't want to see it fade into oblivion like some of my most favorite fansites. And I don't want to give it away either, because I would instantly regret it no matter how well the new owner improved it. In the end, I'm too selfish to give it away, and too lazy to keep updating it on schedule. And because of that, it consumes a lot of my free time whether I want it to or not. Which is exactly the problem. Because the site takes up so much of my free time, I can't really work on any other projects or drawings, or relax and read a book. And if I am doing one of those things, it's because I'm avoiding working on the fansite! You see? It really is a never-ending project of doom. Not only because the show is still active, but also because my inability to manage my time effectively leaves much of my unfinished work to pile up.

*sighs* I'd put the site on a temporary hiatus, but it would be exactly the same as me just not updating it, so there's really no point. And now that I have spent most of this late evening whining about my situation, I am too tired to finish working on the new episode updates for said fansite. Which means they probably won't be ready until Monday night/Tuesday morning. nyuh. My updates are never on time. At least there's no new episode this Friday. Now there's a blessing in disguise. -_-;; If I can pull myself together, maybe I can finish catching up before the new ep. Of course, I said the same thing over the summer. Heh, bet you can guess how that turned out.

...I feel terrible. I haven't said anything about the hurricane tragedy, I've been neglecting my site and email for almost a month now, and I don't even feel like talking about how Janelle is kicking ass in Big Brother or finish playing Tales of Symphonia, or even packing. ..And now I regret writing here because I sound so damn self-absorbed. -__-; Although I guess that's one reason why I usually avoid writing here in the first place. I know it's been a week or so since the storm hit, and I know the sad fact that life moves on, but it just feels weird to say or read something non-Katrina related. Maybe it's because of this one stupid political cartoon I read a day or so after Katrina hit -- this average joe guy is reading a paper and says something along the lines of "Geeze, I'm so tired of hearing about Katrina already! It's not like it's gonna affect me anyway!" while this hand with 'government aid' written on the sleeve is reaching into the guy's back pocket to pull out money. It just... pisses me off to no end. Does the artist envision people to be that insensitive a day or so after a huge-ass storm like that hits? I read that thing almost a week ago and it still pisses me off. I've been following news and commentary about Katrina and the after-effects since about a day before it hit; I read about the controversies, how the government f'ed up big time, how the media only showed certain angles and how New Orleans has basically become the city of Luin. (Although if the two cities were rebuilt once, they will be rebuilt again) But..... I dunno. What about all those people? And the rancid flood waters? And why hasn't Bush been impeached yet? Everything, it's just... too scary. Too many things are going wrong. And now that I'm so far behind on other things, I don't even feel like catching up. Is it too late to press restart?

I suddenly started making a new layout last night, and well, here it is. One more sign that summer is finally coming to a close. YAY. I'm sorry, but I really really really dislike summer. It's far too hot, there's almost nothing good on tv (except for Monk and The Dead Zone), and I always turn into a lazy goober. Even if I want to work on something, I just... can't get around to doing it. ugh. So yes, that's why DH has only recieved three updates this summer. and why all of my other sites have been ignored. Although, they've pretty much been ignored since DH opened. ^^; Maybe I should have just wrote in 'on vacation' or something. Actually, that exactly what I should have done. -_-; *sighs* Too late now.

So... what have I been up to lately? Well, for the past two weeks or so I've been translating Japanese manga scans. I thought I would be finished by now (I'm only doing eight pages), but... it being summer and all... yeah. I'm almost half-way through, though, and the last half looks to be much easier than the first three pages. Although I wouldn't be having so much trouble if I was still back in school, 'cause then I could just ask Sensei when I hit a roadblock. And I probably would still remember most of the word forms. The online forums do help, but still. I was thinking about enrolling in the local community college, but they don't have the classes I want. Of course the other college does, but they're like 4 hours away. They also have a giant shopping mall, dozens of Japanese bookstores, a constant rainy season, and a bunch of other awesome stuff. *growls* If I was planning to stay in this state I would so move over there. Actually, I'd rather move to Oahu instead. They have even bigger shopping malls, and the roads that go through mountains! ^_^ Oh... but all those tourists... it'd be way worse than over here. mreh. Other than that, I've been playing lots of Tales of Symphonia. yay.