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feeling kinda

2:51 a.m. Sunday, December 30, 2001

um, stewardess?

i saw Ellis Paul tonight. amazing show, and more in the journal later. but i wanted to share this story with you; Ellis tells it on his live double CD. it nearly got me run off the road, as i was playing this for a friend as she was driving.

i don't like flying, so i drive a lot. well, this summer i was, uh, i had a, a really bad experience on an airplane. they were flying me between Martha's Vineyard and Nantucket on one of those tiny double prop airplanes - you know the ones i'm talking about. no stewardess, you know, the pilot's throwing the peanuts back from the front seat.

as i got on the airplane, i noticed that the uh, copilot's seat was empty, so i decided i'd, i'd sit there just in case, uh, we went down, i'd have a good view, and as i was sitting there, uh, Rob Wasserman got on the back of the airplane, and i leaned in to the pilot and i said, 'that's Rob Wasserman; he's the bass player for the Grateful Dead. he's just got on the back of the airplane.' and the pilot leaned over to me and he said, 'well, he's not the principal bass player in the Grateful Dead; that's a guy named Phil Lesh. this guy's in some side band called Rat Dog or something.'

i don't know if you understand the cultural signifigance of discovering your pilot's a Deadhead, but. i broke out in a cold sweat.

i said, 'how many shows have you been to?' he said, 'fifty.'

so it's the middle of a rainstorm, and we're running down the, the runway there, and i'm, i'm, i'm getting really nervous, we take off and we enter this cloud. i look up, it's grey. i look down, it's grey. i look forward, to grey. and i say 'you're not seeing *color* right now, are you?'

so, we were ribbing each other back and forth, i could feel my body unclench and. we finally emerged from the cloud, and i could see the runway lights, and i was like 'land ho, i'm, i'm gonna make it, i'm gonna be okay.' and then he leaned in to me and he said, 'you know, a lot of famous people die like this.' i said, 'i'm not famous.' he said, 'you would be if we went down.'

that's the airlines for you.

makes me giggle every time i listen to it. :)

3:29 p.m. Sunday, December 30, 2001

kiss this guy

i've been really hooked on this Soul Coughing Cd lately - El Oso. bought it by mistake (thinking it was SoulLive), and it was a happy mistake. i'd heard a lot of the songs before and liked them. for some reason, i decided to look up the lyrics for one of the songs, The Incumbent. here are the actual lyrics:

New York, New York
I won't go back
Indelible reminder of the steel I lack
I gave you seven years
What did you give me back?
A jaw-grind, disposistion to a panic attack

i like the way i heard it first better: a California disposition to a panic attack. :)

6:00 p.m. Saturday, December 29, 2001

little plastic castles

i swear, sometimes i have the attention span of a goldfish.

i've been hoping that my Christmas packages show up on time and in one piece. and i've heard from a few people. i'm still wondering about the others, in particular one overseas one. but now, as i sit here, i have this dusty memory of getting a note. of course, i've deleted all my read mail.

so now i don't know if it got there or not. i'm gonna go with yes, and assume it's my creaky brain that's failing me.

1:42 a.m. Saturday, December 29, 2001

intolerance.

a friend told me a story tonight that reminded me of my ex husband's grandfather.

lew was a bigot. he referred to our car (japanese) as a rice burner. i tried to be quiet about it, figuring that it was sort of like my grandmother calling blacks 'colored'. it's a remnant of another generation.

but i finally lost my cool one day when he said 'why would you buy a car from slant eyes?' my respect for elders went right out the window, and i snapped at him 'that's enough, lew. right now.'

i don't think he ever got why i yelled at him.

12:22 a.m. Saturday, December 29, 2001

bread crumbs.

seen on the crawl while watching CNN last night: police follow trail of SKittles wrappers to apprehend youths who vandalized laundromat vending machine. (duh.)

11:54 p.m. Friday, December 28, 2001

FF

i'd lost track of the day of the week, and consequently am late on the Friday Five, courtesy of smattering. thankfully, i tripped over mechaieh's answers, and remembered to do mine. :)

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?

buying myself a car, paying for it in one lump sum (no payments! whoo hoo!) and resolving to learn to drive standard. and it's going pretty well.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?

mmm... trite but true, losing my boyfriend.

3. Will you be making any New Year's resolutions?

nah. i've made them in the past, and then just use them to beat myself up if i don't achieve them. however, i have previously promised myself to be in a new job by the end of the year, and to start actively working on it after the first of the year. technically, it's not a New Year's resolution, as i made this decision some time ago.

4. Where do you wish you were celebrating?

oh, Tahiti wouldn't be bad. ;)

5. What do you plan to do for New Year's Eve?

i'm going to work at the Orpheum, catch some live music including one of my fave local bands, The Push Stars, and head home before midnight to avoid being trapped on the subway with a half million of my closest drunk friends, of whom i know none.

11:45 p.m. Friday, December 28, 2001

augh!

i woke myself up the other day, because i was screaming. see, i was having a bad dream. i don't remember much of it except for the last bit. i was in a dim, dank latrine sort of room, with black tiles shimmering with slime, and some sort of drain in the floor. i was trying to kick something into the drain when i looked up. in front of me were the remains of some sort of toilet, the pipe sticking up from the floor. there was a hole in the front of the pipe, making a small, jagged doorway. sitting in the hole, in Buddha pose, was a large wharf rat, and as soon as i saw him, i knew he was going to gnaw my foot off, and there was nothing i could do about it. i started screaming in the dream, and woke up to hear myself screaming out loud.

i've never had an experience like that before, and have no interest in repeating it. it was eerie to wake up to your own scream.

8:08 p.m. Tuesday, December 25, 2001

minou minou

grey cat is doing better since her bout with the antibiotics. she's perkier all around. she's going in for some blood work tomorrow, which i hope *crossing fingers* will confirm that the urinary problems were a passing thing.

but i've noticed something strange since then. not only is she perkier, she's friendlier. in fact, she's been pesting me pretty constantly when i'm working on the computer. *bat* *bat* *mreow* *bat* *bat*

so to fend her off, i picked her up. and She. Sat. In. My. Lap.

*picks jaw up off floor* if you knew my cat at all, you'd know why that was my reaction. she's been with me about 14 years, and she's never been a lap cat. the fact that she's been willing, nay, happy to sit in my lap for any length of time just floors me.

wow. i don't know quite what to make of it. i just hope the two of them don't start battling for lap rights.

8:00 p.m. Tuesday, December 25, 2001

every moral has its story

i just had a huge, flaming revelation. i've told a lot of people about my journal. for the most part, i don't mind if people i know read the journal or the blog. some people i don't want here, but for the most part, they won't find it without being told (which clearly i won't do).

my family knows about this, and i have my parents' blessing for the whole venture. but i hadn't told my brother.

i didn't really try to reason it out. and then he asked me about it last week. i was gobsmacked. how did he know?

turns out my sis in-law remembered me telling them about earl registering a domain for me last year. now that they have a computer at home, she wants to read. okay; i gave her the URL. and then i got nervous.

i got home tonight, and threw a Ben Harper CD on the stereo. something in the lyrics, and thinking about what i said to my sis in-law triggered it all. i told her i write about family, and she asked if she'd learn anything about the family. 'nope,' i thought, 'but you'll learn about me.' and as Ben sings about being more afraid of living than dying, it hit me. i'm scared of what he'll learn about me.

our relationship is good, my bro and me. but we're not overly close. and will that change? will we be closer? who knows? and why does that scare me? that i don't know either.