What did she do on Sunday, you ask? ....

Okay, so... yesterday... I called my Mom for the first time in a few years; her birthday, no less. Needless to say, she was very happy when she realized who it was that was calling. It was nice getting to catch up with her on how she was doing (although it is difficult listening to how many things are wrong; MS flared up, shingles, kidney stones in both kidneys, and bladder infection....). It kills me to hear about the personal hell that she suffers through. I tried to point out some metaphysical aspects of dealing with ailments... to which I received a solid denial of any deeper issues that she isn't dealing with. It takes a great deal of strength to stay composed while talking with my mother... I see through all the veils that she held up while we were children... the illusions are so transparent to me; yet she hangs onto them as if they are actual. On a deep level I understand why she needs to hang onto them... so I feels at times as though I am watching a child in "dress-up" playing on a pretend stage. This story seems all too sad for me though. What kills me is the simplicity of how to get out of the illusion... how she can emerge from the dream. For years I have held forgiveness in my heart for her... all she needs to do is ask for it... the challenge there is that she has to bite some seriously large bullets and drudge through some deep crap (her own lies, illusion, deception, self-denial, etc)... so yeah, it's a lot of work - but the substantial gain and relief that she would feel once she did it... phenomenal! It's there... waiting for her... outstretched... but my arms can only reach half way.

The other challenge in talking with my mother on the phone is hearing her husband trying to join in on the conversation in the background. This is someone with whom I have a ongoing issue... also someone living in a cesspool of his own creation. I feel that it is difficult to communicate with my mother when I abhor the man to whom she chooses to stay married. He accosted me when I was just out of high school... in a manner that a father-figure should never approach a daughter. This leaves me with a bitter taste for the entire time that my sister and I lived with our Mom and him. There is a famous figure in the news standing trial for this very same sickness that I feel afflicts my mother's husband (yes, I will always refer to him as "my mother's husband" because he will never wear the earned-title of "father" by me... this is something that is either biological or sacred... or, heaven bless me, BOTH).

I guess as a survivor, I am taking this trial that is in the news and only 45 miles away from where I live, as a way to deal with my own issues that I had in my childhood. I want to see justice served... for all children who are taken into unsafe, unnatureal areas and have to deal with adult issues far too soon. Wow, this issue with him is like a can-opener to pandora's soup. I know that I have to deal with this... and have one last form of confrontational communications with him... one in which he is made aware of what boundaries I have regarding him.

I guess this is a step in a positive direction in order to re-open the communications with my mother. I do care very deeply for her and want to be able to talk with her like a daughter should feel safe doing. I want very much to help her learn how to heal her own physical conditions, maybe not miraculously and completely... but to a point that she is living in her own personal happiness and is remembering her own divine light.

This, too, shall come to pass... it is my wish, it is my challenge. I know I can be a renewed beacon. I know who I am and am very proud of the spiritual gains that I have acquired. Now I wish to utilize those tools for the better of another.