This morning I awoke at 4:44am from a dream sobbing in pain. I was so devistatingly hurt. It was as if I consciously stepped from one realm out into another to step away from the pain. The sequence was as well as I can remember as such:

I was having a very heated conversation with someone that appeared to be my mother... although she did not look identical to my physical mother; I identified her as such in this dream. We were yelling angrily at each other and I do not know the exact words that were being exchanged. There were others in my dream around me as well that seemed very disengaged from me, but not from what was going on ... they seemed to be a part of the issue, but emotionally distant from me. Finally in the midst of all this screaming, I approach my mother figure and hug her, telling her "I love you"... tears streaming down my face onto her shirt. Oddly though, my tears did not penetrate the shirt, they beaded and simply fell off as she walked away from me saying "I can not give you that." Ice-cold as if it were nothing for her to say that. And as if what I was saying to her was so absurd and out of the realm of reality. I was crushed... I know that one of my greatest fears is that the ones that I love would be incapble of reciprocating my feelings. The very people with whom I entrust my emotional and physical existence... I worry that each time I do this, that like a vase handed to someone who is not in touch with me ... the vase (my self) will be thrown to the cement ground to be shattered into a million pieces.

In awakening from this dream, I was crushed... beyond any relationship that I have ever had, this was the hardest that I feel I have ever been denied love. Now, I know in my soul that "denied love" is impossible. I am love. This I know... but to be refused, abandoned, rejected... in this reality (or in the dreamland).... it is an incredibly dense illusion. How is it that I allow myself to be sucked into such a false belief? What is the deeper message within myself that I am obviously not dealing with? I know that I am not alone... I know that I have people around me that care for me... I am not discrediting any of those. But, what I know to be Love... that is what I offer anyone around me.... even those who I argue with, those that envoke angry responses from me.... like in my dream... I will still come up to that person and hug them with the same Love that I am... and mean it. I know that I keep offering myself to numerous people who blatantly push me away, attack me, accuse me of terrible things, .... I come back to people to give them the opportunity... sometime an opportunity to do it again and again (as some people have pointed out to me)... but really... I am giving them the opportunity to see what they are capable of... and it does hurt me when people choose to see with hate, with disregard, or with any negative view.... I know that these are illusions. I can see past them and I know that the person is not the illusion that they project.

I was hoping that by writing out the dream and then writing out my thoughts that I would figure it out... the "why?" behind the dream... what is it that I am missing? Am I not dealing with something? Am I being to idealistic? Where does this pain and fear within me come from? I know that it is not real... and that it holds no power over me; but what is the message of this dream?? I am not seeing it at this time... and that in itself is frustrating for me. Maybe later as I get time to meditate... It is still a fresh emotional wound that has been opened... even going over the dream again brought tears to my eyes... this is deeper than just a surface event going on in my life at this time. I have an old wound that needs to be healed; and I guess in order to heal the wound... it needed to be reopened to bleed the poisons that have rested within it. Curiosity and an understanding that I need to heal....