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02/27/01
I'm sniffing the air to see if I can smell Paris. Looking for books that she would read. Listening for the sound of her key in the lock.
02/24/01
CROWS
Really cool nature things happened early this morning. I set the alarm to get up and get all the junk together for the collectors. The neighborhood is really quiet on Saturday mornings.
When I was moving all the boards, boxes, old tires, and stuff into a pile, I picked up an old flower pot, left over from the previous owner. I had thought it only had some dirt left in it, but I looked in and there were the most vivid, purple crocus blossoms popping up. I felt an immediate sense of spring coming. The air suddenly took on an expectant quality, and I looked up to see that one of our rhododendron bushes has burst into bloom! I scurried around, finding little narcissus flowers, more rhodies, and buds on all the trees. It was great. Winter can weigh me down this time of year, and I was able to sense the summer coming, with all its promise of surfing, warmth, watermelon, picnics, and t-shirts.
As I continued piling junk up, I heard a bunch of crows cawing wildly in the big elm trees across the street. They have a nest up there, and I was afraid they were going to dive-bomb me. (when I was a student at UW, I got attacked by crows twice--one time I had bloody wounds in my scalp!)
More and more crows kept flying in from all directions and landing in one of the trees, until there were at least 50 of them. They were making an enormous racket, all screaming at something on a big branch. I squinted up to see what it was and saw a bigger bird, grayish brown. Figuring it might be a buteo, I ran inside to get my binoculars and Focus Guide. Sure enough, it was a sharp-shinned hawk (not that uncommon in Seattle, where bald eagles soar routinely), and it had a pigeon victim that it was ripping apart. The crows were wild with anger, but the hawk was unflappable. I watched for a long time as the little drama unfolded--the hawk didn't leave for more than a half-hour, and the crows finally got tired of yelling at it. I wondered whether the crows wanted to share the meal, or keep the hawk away from their nest.
A little nature show to start my weekend. It was great.
02/23/01
Just got off the phone with Jen. She was a little tipsy from drinking cidre, which was really cute, because she almost never gets inebriated!
She thought it was really funny that I have "work to do" this weekend--by that I mean I need to spend time leveling up my Diablo character because I'm going to play online Sunday with Blaise.
I feel very whiny about missing her. I know she's got lots of work to do, and it's hard, but I'd just as soon she came home right now. I told her I haven't even been playing with the PS2 because Speedy doesn't seem to care when I do a double backflip or kill a tough general.
(Speaking of Speedy, she's feeling her age these days. But not as much as this guy.)
But I guess I'll just wait, and do errands, and wait, and watch Star Trek, and wait. I can't imagine what my mom's life must have been like when my dad would go off for 3-month cruises and she had two little babies to take care of by herself and nothing to do but wait. She's made of strong stuff.
02/22/01
Sometimes I really like my fellow humans. Yesterday, I had 20 minutes of small, lovely experiences while I was out mailing things and going to the bank. I saw two men, one Asian, one African-American, doing that complicated handshake thing, and they both had really big smiles on. Then two people held doors open for me at the P.O. And on my way to the bank, I heard a bike messenger say to his pals, "See you later, boys!" in a perfectly 1940s manner. For some reason, all this added up to a momentary feeling of bliss. The idea that people can be nice to each other.
I'm finding myself really busy while Jen's gone. I set an ambitious social and errand schedule, and I'm kind of overwhelmed. But it's nice to check things off my list, even if they're little. Today I'm going to call 1-800-GOTJUNK (which is in fact a trash collection service and not a heroin abuse hotline) and arrange for them to pick up a bunch of crap from the house. Both Jen and I feel our house is cluttered, and getting some of the old boxes, wood, and debris out of the nooks and crannies will be a huge relief.
02/20/01
Perfectly predictable insomnia last night. I kept thinking I hadn't set the alarm clock.
Some other mossheads:
Jen and I have talked a few times now. The time difference is really bizarre. Not quite opposite, but almost.
02/19/01
Well, Jen has flown off to France, and I'm living bachelor-style for two weeks. I anticipate lots of late-night Diablo, popcorn for dinner, and a sci-fi filmfest the likes of which Capitol Hill has never seen. Postponing going to bed alone as long as possible each night.
A Russian guy at work loaned me Solaris to watch. I've seen it before through a haze of codeine and pain, right after I had my wisdom teeth out, so it's kind of blurry. I remember it as painfully slow, with lots of still shots and hardly any dialogue. It's based on a book by Stanislav Lem, one of Russia's premiere SF authors. I'm a big Lem fan, but I really didn't like that movie. I just read that James Cameron is remaking it. That seems ill-advised--I wonder how he's going to speed it up? Maybe the ship will crash on an spaceberg, and the hero will freeze because he gave his EVA suit to his sweetheart. Hmm.
I miss Jen. She's far away, in space and time.
02/14/01
My dear friend Jeff visited over the weekend. We've been friends since we were in third grade. It was the kind of natural, easy relationship that is rare and precious, and every time we see each other, we seem to pick up where we left off, no matter how long it's been. I enjoy it very much.
(an aside: i know jeff reads this blog, and i know almost everyone else who does, too. it's a strange meta-thing when people know things about me that i've only written here. i'm always taken aback by it. maybe i should just address each of you directly... )
Hey Doug and Rob... Spies talk to each other, and you can get the CD:
The CONET Project
That's fun. Hey Jen, I love you and I'm going to miss you terribly. Come back with tea and kisses.
02/09/01
Thirty-five today. Here are 35 things:
and finally...
02/07/01
Ready for a long one?
Things are a bit unpleasant right now. Understand that when I say 'unpleasant' I mean that in a context of general bliss, I'm experiencing some painful pinches. For instance: I love my job, with all its free books, great friends, and cultural relevance. But I hate my job, too, with all its fear, anxiety, and corporate bullshit.
(a little aside--the upcoming Microsoft Encarta College dictionary includes the new word "angsty," defined as "feeling nervous and afraid, or causing angst or nervousness and anxiety." i am angsty.)
Also: I am starting to write what I consider marketable fiction, thereby embarking on what may be an actual writing career, the one that I always wanted! But I'm terrified that I'm not good enough, that the lovely books in my head won't look right when I put them down on paper.
One more: I'm debt-free for the first time in my life, and I have a savings account with which I can do things like help my brother get his wisdom teeth out. Yet I find myself facing an unpleasant financial reality, the one where if you get together a bundle of money to buy a house, you have then to pay an enormous amount of taxes on the money that's no longer there.
So there it is. Mixed-up, muddled up. I'm having daydream after daydream of sitting on a warm beach, listening to the clear, blue surf roll in, with a cold bottle of orange pop in my hand and Jen by my side.
Is it inevitable that midwinter bring feelings of melancholy and restlessness? It's sunny out, for god's sake, so it's not SAD. Well, I guess I'll have a sandwich and try to look on the bright side.
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