Soo, how long has it been since my last entry?.. 2 months, eh? ^^;; Things were moving so crowdedly and I have lots of things on my mind. No physical burden actually, but more likely mental burden. I'm the only child of my family, and sometimes people ask me to be their recycle bin with a risky concequnce, that if I couldn't manage to flush those 'trashes' away, it would be my trash and my burden. Sometimes I'd like to share it with someone, but some people don't like it because they used to keep it all by themselves. Can it be true? Can my burden be someone else's burden? I don't know, but that's one thing for sure that keeps me from writing my blog again. Still, when I feel so full in mind, I must write to some place and my blog is the only place I can think of.

I still thank God because I'm given an ability to forget my problem and support myself on my own. When I have no one to cry on, I can only cry alone and pray, and watch something to lift my spirit up again. That's why I love V6 very much, especially Inocchi. They can make me smile and forget my burden, but at the same time, I feel like a little bit crazy, wishing that I could be in that kind of family, with a loving 'papa' and 'mama' and brothers I could play with, cry with, and be supported with. I also love my friends so much. They are the ones who make my days bright.

I'm tired.

The communication between my parents is getting very very fragile. It's like a cracked glass. Everytime I thought that things were getting better, I always pray every morning so their relationship can still survive like this.. but sometimes the galss slipped off from my hand and although I can still catch it, some cracks are falling. My mom still carries on the heavy pain from the past and although she's trying hard to forget it, there is always a thing that triggers it to be remembered again. Once, in her grieve, she stated that no one can understand her.

I feel useless.

As a child I feel very very useless.

My mom could anytime abort me when she was pregnant. I'm the only thing that still bind her with my dad. I always think, if only she never gave me birth, she could find another living and may live better than now.

But she didn't do that.

She told me that I'm her only reason for living.
Still, as her only reason for living, I don't know what to do to have her burden shared.

I feel totally useless and failed as a child.

So, what is the point for me to be born in this world?

Everytime I'm questioning that, I think it's better for me to end my life.
Will it be better for my parents?
Will it end my parents' burden?

But I'm not ready to die now. In my ego, I still want to live. There's so many things I still want to do.

At a time, my Mom said that she might be able to release her burden at the time I get married. My Dad and my sisters said that I might be one of his worry right now because at this age I still have no boyfriend.

The more they said it to me, the more I hate myself. Sometimes I think that the feeling called love (in romantical term) has dissapeared from my heart. I don't know if I can love someone and if that someone can love me too. Circumstances around me has changed me into a personality that is not common for a girl so I decided to live on my own and not to get married for the rest of my life so I can live only for my Mom.

So, the more my parents questioning about boyfriend/marriage/grandchildren, the more I hate myself for being like this.

I really don't know what to do.
I'm tired.

The fading fake light, the newborn true light
:: 07:34 a.m. ::

	Name :: Moccy Vision Age :: 22 years old Gender :: Female Nationality :: Indonesian Job :: IT Programmer Affection :: Inohara Yoshihiko Ambition :: Japan Possession :: Anime/Manga Positive :: Empathy Negative :: Lazy, sensitive Play :: Piano
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	V6 - Infinity (Album) Tackey & Tsubasa - Yume Monogatari (Single) Hyde - 666 (Album)
	Anime-Hentai Lovers Indonesia [AHLI] Ichiban Johnny's Indonesian Yaoi Front [IYF]
	Hard Luck Heroes : [x] Masayuki Sakamoto [x] Hiroshi Nagano [x] Yoshihiko Inohara [x] Go Morita [x] Ken Miyake [x] Junichi Okada