Friday, July 12, 2002
08:15 p.m.
I want to beThursday, July 11, 2002
11:03 p.m.
I do at least have some plans laid out for this weekend, but I'm still not sure what to do Friday night. Maybe I'll go to B&G's Palace O'DVD's™ and see what they have available for rent. Or, if someone feels the need to drag me away from this house, that'd be okay, too. *ahem*Erik*ahem* :-)Wednesday, July 10, 2002
10:08 p.m.
Time for : What's Miz_A's Mood Now??
I'm wavering between the 2 extremes of bitter hateful anger and severely melodramatic (yet real) depression. This house, this place, this man, this has all been my life for a year, this was supposed to be my life for the rest of my earthly years. Alas, that's not the way it worked out. I know acceptance is something that can only come in time, but the moments between now and then are unbearable.
Well, at least I'm writing again, even if it's melodramatic/depressing/pissy and not all that good. Silver linings, people! *sigh*Tuesday, July 9, 2002
11:05 p.m.
Current favorite platitude: "It'll all work out in the end" (or some variation of this).
Well, no shit, sherlock. I've got two choices: It'll all work out, or I'll DIE! And since I've got no suicidal tendencies at the moment, and I doubt I'm going to get run over by a bus or flattened by a tornado, I guess it's ALL GOING TO WORK OUT. I'm not after that kind of friendly advice, thanks. I want distractions and escapes and refuges from this awful dreary reality that has been thrust upon me. Take me out, tell me stories, dress me up, dye my hair, stick me in front of a game, a movie, a strip club. Drag me away from this existence that pains me every minute I endure it.
*sigh*
I'm sorry if I've just offended you, any of you. I really am. I'm not going to delete what is above, though, because it's a part of me. This blog/journal/diary/whatever has become my way of venting, of exploring my feelings and the way I think. Which means some days it'll be sad and remorseful, others just plain depressing, and as I'm sure you've noticed, some days it'll be down right angry and bitchy. All parts of me. All pieces that make me who I am. Deal with it. *ahem*Tuesday, July 9, 2002
10:51 p.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
07:31 p.m.
Thursday, July 4, 2002
09:29 a.m.
HAPPY JULY 4TH!!
Right. Went to Erik's last night and watched Ocean's Eleven. I've seen it once before, and I still like it. The chemistry between Brad Pitt and George Clooney was well done, though I have a huge problem in believing that Julia Roberts (spoiler!!) goes back to George at the end. Whateva. Then I listened to Erik play electric guitar for a while. Boy needs to get in a band, I'm telling ya... he's really talented.
And on a side note ~ my description of why I'm thanking Erik down below may be misinterpreted, and I wanted to clear that up ~ what I mean is, he yells at me when I'm feeling really depressed but have that "I dowanna be a buuuuurden" feeling, and thus don't call him so he can cheer me up.
Wednesday, July 3, 2002
09:16 p.m.
I'm not really living in sin the way I used to be, so I felt a change was necessary.Tuesday, July 2, 2002
08:54 p.m.
*sigh*Tuesday, July 2, 2002
08:17 p.m.
Going to the store
Going to the post office
Making lists
Planning what I'm going to say to Stew if I can pin him down long enough to talk to him
Exercising
What I'm going to do instead:
Take a bath
Read my trashy romance novel, which has Highlanders with broad shoulders, furry chests, long hair, and long manhoods
Jumping on the bandwagon: (using google.com)
- AnneLiese is known outside of the SCA as Jennifer Munson.
- Anneliese is an outstanding soprano soloist
- AnneLiese is of good and honest behavior and bearing as well in her words as in her deeds.
- Anneliese is the creative sprit of Agile and leads our design team, responsible for graphic design and usability.
- Anneliese is a boisterous young woman, who at 24, has been the champion pool player of Little Ugly for the past seven years.
- Anneliese is perfect for Bobby since not only is she small, but she also
does not burden him with the weight of a heavy western saddle.
- Anneliese is recommended in the Telecoms section of The Legal 500 (September 2001).
- Anneliese is recovering from a bad ankle injury, caused by stepping on the ball.
- Anneliese is growing up rapidly, and has just now moved full-time from cot to grown-up bed.
- Anneliese is now a nurse with the Royal Flying Doctor Service at Port Augusta.
- anneliese is absolutely right!
- Anneliese is a real live dancing fairy.
- Anneliese is a muffed Ice Pigeon.
- Anneliese is so popular we've given her a special page on the site.
- Anneliese is the 2,021st most popular female first name in the United States
- Anneliese is 13 and suffering with anorexia.
- Anneliese is already back at work, with sweet Jasmine by her side.
- Anneliese is one of the two white-hot babes from San
Diego who I met at the premiere of Star Wars.
- Anneliese is a good, inexpensive little place with ten spotless rooms, each with a balcony and a refrigerator.
- Anneliese is 13/14 jaar, haar zusje Marlene is 11/12 jaar en haar broertje Frans is 9/10 jaar, maar ik kan het mis hebben!!
- Anneliese is usually first to be fully alert.
- Anneliese is locked up in Toronto's Metro West Detention Centre.
- Anneliese is asleep and the bath is full of doghair.
w00t!Sunday, June 30, 2002
10:38 a.m.
Sometimes I'm angry: I hate him, I hate the world, I hate the circumstances, I hate me.
Sometimes I wonder what I could have done ("bargaining"): If only I'd.... If I'd just done... If I'd just gotten over... If only I could've been...
Sometimes I'm just plain depressed: But I love him! I miss him! I need him! I can't see my life without him!
Sometimes I'm filled with despair: I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life, I'm unlovable, I'm ugly, I have nothing going for me, I'll never find another partner again.
Some rare moments I'm filled with confidence, and these are usually the most beautiful and the most saddening at the same time: I will survive this, not only with grace but with aplomb. Not only will I survive, I will become happy and content with myself, and not expect other people to fill missing voids in my life. And not only that, I will remain friends with my ex and we will be able to see each other on a semi-regular basis with no hard feelings. These are the most beautiful because it's so rare that I am filled with confidence. They are the most saddening because they mean that I must come face to face with the fact that I will never again be intimate (in any sense of the word) with a man that I was once supposed to marry.
This is one of the most difficult times in my life. I don't know what else to say.
I will say several more things on a slightly related topic, though. I will say thanks to the people who care about me. Thanks to my mother, who always has been and always will be there for me; thanks to Travis, who never pushes me to talk but always lets me know that he's there if I need it; thanks to Ben, who says he's bad at trying to cheer people up, but cheers me up just by the mere fact that he's writing; thanks to Christian, who I've been incredibly uncommunicative with but still writes to tell me he's thinking about me; thanks to Sam, who, after all we've been through should probably be telling me where to shove it, but amazingly enough still cares; thanks to Erik, who's been there before and yells at me when I don't call when I should; thanks to Drew, who even on his day of wedded bliss gives me a huge hug, a kiss on the cheek, and heartfelt thanks for getting it together enough to come to his wedding; thanks to Mike and Christine, who know how to show a girl a good time when she needs it most.Saturday, June 29, 2002
02:45 a.m.
I still have people that love me and care about me. What use have I for some man that doesn't even give a shit what I think anymore?
disclaimer: this opinion will most likely change by tomorrow morning. Such is the life cycle of mourning.Tuesday, June 25, 2002
09:05 p.m.
And I have Xanax now too, which is helping me to, oh, function on a day-to-day basis. And what I really want to do is take a nice hot bath, but I still have much work to do before I sleep.
SHIT, I tell you. I never thought my life would come to this.
Don't expect many updates right now. All I'll do is repeat "my life is shit right now" over and over again, because I really don't want to talk about it.Sunday, June 23, 2002
10:28 p.m.
No news yet. I don't know when there will be. Thanks so much for the thoughts and nice emails; they mean a lot to me.Saturday, June 22, 2002
05:14 p.m.
Tomorrow, dear readers, tomorrow I find out what direction my life will take. Tonight is going to be hell. Massive horrible depressive hell. Please everyone send some hope and/or blessings my way, because I'm going to need every bit of strength I can get.
FUCK.Thursday, June 20, 2002
07:05 a.m.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
09:15 p.m.
My life, my love, my heart is falling to pieces, and I don't know how to fix it.Tuesday, June 18, 2002
02:03 p.m.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
10:03 a.m.
whoresgirls... but it seems like all of 'em are: manic-depressive / OCD / schizophrenic / suicidal or abused by a: mother / father / boyfriend / ex-boyfriend / all the people they thought were their friends or had a bad: home life / childhood / 4 years in high school or are on: booze / pills / meds / meds that aren't prescribed to them and of course they're all scared of: the outdoors / leaving the house / meeting new people / doing something that involves getting off the net.
Sigh.
Yeah fine, flame away, whatever. Bear in mind, I'm not talking about the people that have a cam, update it every now and then, update sometimes in a online blog/diary. I'm talking the girls that completely overhaul their site 2x a month, complete with funky javascript and hard-to-navigate links, and update their cams at least 3x a day. Everyday. And who consistently are in their own little chat rooms, available to talk about their problems with OCD. Oi.Monday, June 17, 2002
08:33 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
06:29 p.m.
-Bought some new clothes at WallyWorld
-Went to Panera, picked up lunch
-Went to the doctor, found out what was wrong with my ears
-Went to Walgreen's, filled the prescription. Here's the really cool part - the appt. at the doctor's was at 1:20. I was in and out of the doctor's and Walgreen's both before 2 pm. :-)
-Came home. Ate lunch. Had a 20 minute nap. Which almost made me late to...
-My eye doctor appointment at 4 pm. Got the exam, got contacts, got info about LASIK surgery, picked out new frames (including a pair of clip-on sunglasses) and a funky pair of new sunglasses. Grand total that I paid: $254. I love having insurance.
-Bought a fountain coke at McDonald's. There ain't nothin' quite like 'em.
-Came home, authorized my new Diamond Platinum MC, and read some information about my pension plan through VNU. I AM A FULLY FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF SOCIETY!! Crazy, baby.
Been such a productive day. Tomorrow - Payless for new shoes, and Great Clips for a haircut.
np - in my head - Eminem - Without Me
go watch the video for that song over at http://www.eminem.com/... it's frickin' hilarious!
Saturday, June 15, 2002
09:02 p.m.
Picking up someone's bar tab unexpectedly and for no apparent reason
Talking to someone that you immediately feel like you've known for years
Knowing instinctively the right thing to say and do, and discovering that for once, your instincts were right
Really really honestly wishing someone good luck in their relationship because after all these years, you realized there's a reason you're not together
probably because you know you make better friends than lovers
Finally understanding a portion of yourself that caused you trouble for over 2 years
Having a few more moments where you feel like you're actually accomplishing something
Wishing you knew the right words to say that would make everything okay
New music... good music
Hearing "I love you" voluntarily when you weren't entirely positive you were going to hear it again
Getting the people around you smashed and listening to college stories
Someone being happy because you told them you really like their haircut
Feeling hopeful
np - Balligomingo - FallingFriday, June 14, 2002
11:20 p.m.
Buy it.
np - Balligomingo - Sweet AllureThursday, June 13, 2002
09:11 p.m.
Been reading Harry Potter fanfic. No, not creepy fanfic. (eeeew.) Cassandra Claire is a pretty good author.
[edit] Putt-putt golf! This is so cool! I got a 66. 8 and 18 really tripped me up.
np - Chicane - EarlyTuesday, June 11, 2002
07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
06:04 p.m.
i am
what
microsoft OS are you?
Monday, June 10, 2002
10:03 p.m.
np - nothing - only the sounds of me sniffling - I have another cold.Tuesday, June 4, 2002
09:58 p.m.
Tuesday, June 4, 2002
07:30 p.m.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I said
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
- Michelle Branch - Goodbye to YouMonday, June 3, 2002
09:41 p.m.
np - The Calling - Adrienne
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