Tuesday, November 5, 2002
10:17 p.m.
My life sucks.Tuesday, November 5, 2002
05:54 p.m.
Instead, I'm still at friggin' work. *siiiiigh*Tuesday, November 5, 2002
06:37 a.m.
Monday, November 4, 2002
07:55 p.m.
from True Porn Clerk Stories
Read these. They're funny as hell. {amend} And insightful, too.Saturday, November 2, 2002
02:11 p.m.
Depressed today. Really depressed. Trying to shake off the worst of it, but I don't know how well that's going to go.Monday, October 28, 2002
09:41 p.m.
(from The 2002 Ig Nobel Prize Winners)
ECONOMICS
The executives, corporate directors, and auditors of Enron, Lernaut & Hauspie [Belgium], Adelphia, Bank of Commerce and Credit International [Pakistan], Cendant, CMS Energy, Duke Energy, Dynegy, Gazprom [Russia], Global Crossing, HIH Insurance [Australia], Informix, Kmart, Maxwell Communications [UK], McKessonHBOC, Merrill Lynch, Merck, Peregrine Systems, Qwest Communications, Reliant Resources, Rent-Way, Rite Aid, Sunbeam, Tyco, Waste Management, WorldCom, Xerox, and Arthur Andersen, for adapting the mathematical concept of imaginary numbers for use in the business world. [NOTE: all companies are U.S.-based unless otherwise noted.]
Sunday, October 27, 2002
05:49 p.m.
:-)Saturday, October 26, 2002
11:04 p.m.
I miss him. No matter how much he wanted to turn that into a lie, it never was. I missed him then and I miss him now.Saturday, October 26, 2002
07:25 p.m.
What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla
Allright party people, your turn. And post yer results, dammit!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
10:52 p.m.
Pavlov's Bell
Oh Mario -- sit here by the window
Stay here 'til we reach Idaho
And when we go
Hold my hand on take-off
Tell me what I already know
That we can't talk about it
No, we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows
That's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes
And ringing Pavlov's bell
History shows
There's not a chance in hell -- but --
Oh Mario -- We're only to Ohio
It's kinda getting harder to breathe
I won't let it show --
I'm all about denial --
But can't denial let me believe?
That we could talk about it
But we can't talk about it
Because nobody knows
That's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes
And ringing Pavlov's bell
History shows -- but rarely shows it well
Well, well, well --
Oh Mario -- why if this is nothing
I'm finding it so hard to dismiss
If you're what I need,
Then only you can save me
So come on baby -- give me the fix
And let's just talk about it
I've got to talk about it
Because nobody knows
That's how I nearly fell
Trading clothes
And ringing Pavlov's bell
History shows --
Like it was show and tell
So tell me Mario
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
05:36 p.m.
Doncha love public apologies? :-)Friday, October 18, 2002
01:03 a.m.
Ummm. Beautiful. I miss that.
...
well done.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
08:34 p.m.
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
09:47 a.m.
Drove home last night instead of this morning... I really felt the urge to get home and sleep in my own bed, drool on my own pillows, not have to face anyone first thing in the morning, have some homebrewed coffee, etc. I was pretty tired for the drive, but my god, it felt good to be back here. No offense meant to anyone I saw. It was great to see all my people, and I really enjoyed being in Louisville and catching up with everyone. I just really wanted to be home. :-)
Have to actually clean today... my house is a mess! Probably to D's tonight, maybe watch the episode of Sopranos I missed.Monday, October 14, 2002
12:23 p.m.
Despite some shaky starts, it's been a great weekend so far. Friday, today, and tomorrow I took off work to take a vacation down to Louisville. Friday I went to Sleepout Louie's for a drink with a bunch of people from work (happy bday, Dar!), and spent probably a good two hours talking to people about sex, positions, and things that make you go "oooh". Slept at D's that night... lovely to wake up every now and again to find a cute warm boy spooning you. :-) Left for Louisville Saturday morning, disappointed b/c Sam was going to have to go to Lexington in the afternoon. I figured my chances to see him were pretty much shot. Soooo, I chilled with him for a few hours, then went to dinner with Caleb, stayed at Sam's (ostensibly "keeping an eye on the place" while he was gone, but that's a great excuse to curl up in his house and take over his PS2), and was pleasantly surprised when he got back home at about 11 am on Sunday. Spent the rest of the day being comfortable and happy, despite a rather nasty reaction my stomach had to something I ate. :P
Left there, came to Marc's... met some of his friends, listened to a little Troubadours of Divine Bliss, had some tasty green tea, and spent close to 7 frickin' hours at Cahoots, getting deliciously plastered. I've had what Malice has termed the '"get blitzed" itch' for some time now, and it felt fantastic to finally indulge. First time I've ever seen Marc seriously drink, and we spent a lot of time gossiping. And he paid for everything, which was very nice, especially since I put away a good bit of beer. :-) (thank you, Marc!) I'm paying for it a little this morning, but it doesn't even bother me much because it felt so good to let go for a little while.
Sounds like D had a much more, erm, intense weekend than I did, and all I'll say is that I'm really glad he made it back safely. And I look forward to seeing him tomorrow. :-)
So then... today. Today I need to get a hold of Ben so we can do dinner. (aside - Ben, if you're reading this, I'll call your house sometime after 5 ... you never did send your work number. Or if you did, I can't access it now anyway, so all I've got with me is your home #.) Tomorrow... back home! Then back to work. :P
Oh and, thanks to all the people putting me up/putting up with me this weekend - Sam, Caleb, Chris + Cheryl, Marc, and Ben (eventually).Thursday, October 10, 2002
06:45 a.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
09:29 p.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
09:09 p.m.
So, 2 things of significance. One is that, even though I called him from a bar with no clear indication of when I'd be leaving or which route I'd be using to go home, D still made an effort to find me. Lovely. Thank you, you sweet sweet man. And 2, I came to the conclusion that needing the intimacy / affection / feeling of another person for 5 minutes is not a weakness, it's only the Way Things Are. I stopped by D's on the way home because I felt the need to be hugged / touched / felt for just a few minutes before I went home. I wasn't going to stop; it felt weak, needing somebody like that. And then I started to realize that that is only human nature. You find me someone who says they are perfectly content with no-one in their lives and no human touch, and I'll find you a miserable liar. For only 5 minutes I needed to feel like I mattered to someone.
He wasn't home; but the mere fact that he tried to find me is just as good.
One other thing I'm realizing is that life doesn't mean a damn thing without the people in it that make it worthwile. I genuinely love very few people; I'm paranoid / scared about giving my love away like that, especially after I got so fucking burned. But the people that I do love make every day beautiful. Even if they're depressed or upset or run down, just the fact that I know that they're there is one of the most wonderful things in the world. I won't name names; I hope most of you know who you are already. Monday, October 7, 2002
11:09 p.m.
--Being a nice person vs. Being taken advantage of
--Critical Parents (aka Beating yourself up with a metaphorical 2 x 4)
--Emotions, how to deal with them, when not to say them (how about, oh, a month after you meet someone?)
--Celibacy (NO MORE ENFORCED PERIODS OF CELIBACY FOR ME, no freakin' way)
--Not really liking all the things about yourself that you've dragged forth into the light
--Anger and short tempers
--Dreaming about your ex (BAD way to wake up in the morning)
--Dreaming about someone you lust after, buck nekkid (GOOD way to wake up in the morning)
--Owning a coffeemaker
--Sopranos
--Louisville trip!
--Spending a Louisville trip trying not to think about/miss D too much
--Self-righteous indignation and Hey Maybe YOU'RE the one that's fucked up, instead of everyone else... have you dragged your own principles into the light lately?
--The way my interests morph depending on who I'm with... am I the only one who does this?
Like I said, I have a lot on my mind right now. :-)Sunday, October 6, 2002
03:58 a.m.
Oh, and Hydroponic Pot Fairies, too.
Yeah, so it's been a fun night. :-)Saturday, October 5, 2002
04:38 p.m.
I'm going to walk out of the house for the first time in months thinking "I look good." Not going-to-the-club good or hooker-good, but normal, everyday, walk-by-on-the-street-and-think "Damn, she's cute" good. :-)Saturday, October 5, 2002
01:36 p.m.
Which ArchAngel are you most like?
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Saturday, October 5, 2002
08:50 a.m.
Thanks for teaching me how to retrain my ADSL modem.Wednesday, October 2, 2002
09:25 p.m.
 Saturday, September 14, 2002
12:22 a.m.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
09:10 p.m.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
12:05 a.m.
I want to say "Happy 9/11", but that's not exactly the right sentiment. So. "9/11".Tuesday, September 10, 2002
11:57 p.m.
Stressful day. Turns out there are a lot of people that simply can't let go. Shit, I have my down times and my depression and my rage, but I'm really really fighting to leave my past behind me. And there's a whole group of people that are so caught up in their hypocritical, judgemental, self-righteous anger that they can't even think about growing past it. Talk about being bogged down. I never thought I'd meet so many immature pricks.
Right.
So anyway, I relaxed by watching a Star Trek : TNG marathon, and by molesting D until I finally had to throw in the towel and go home. There are definitely worse ways to end an evening.
Oh, and I got the most accurate summarization of me I've ever heard today: although you do have your moments of almost childish selfishness, you are still over all pretty great. Heh.Monday, September 9, 2002
07:21 a.m.
Sunday, September 8, 2002
08:43 p.m.
Yesterday slipped quietly into oblivion. I wasted time at mom's, wasted time at Lynn's, dropped by Oktoberfest (scroll to middle of page), and wasted much time at D's. Much love to everyone who spent time with me, sent good vibes, and spoiled me rotten for a day. I needed it. One more anniversary to pass, and then the true healing begins.
Splurged again today on When Harry Met Sally... I really need to stop blowing money on DVD's. At least I'm buying cheap ones ($9.99. I love finding a good deal).
I wish I knew what was going on with my life.
... Sort of. There is something to be said for the excitement of flying blindly.
np - Beth Orton - anywhereSaturday, September 7, 2002
05:48 p.m.
By now I was supposed to have been a wife for over 2 1/2 hours.
Oh well. It was too fucking hot today to get married anyway.
Send me good love vibes, please... I need 'em.Friday, September 6, 2002
12:03 p.m.
props to Ratbastard for pointing out this incredible display of human intelligence.Wednesday, September 4, 2002
05:10 p.m.
-- Call and figure out what to do with $500 wedding dress, as store isn't open Tuesdays. *sigh* I am now the proud owner of one (1) useless, but beautiful, wedding dress. Very depressing. Now it's hanging in one of my closets. Not sure what to do with it.
-- Get hair cut. Finally, all the split ends are gone!
-- Fight depression and anger. (ongoing) ::: still going. Not going so well today... funny thing, what with picking up wedding dress and all.
-- Initialize CheckCard so I can stop using my MC on all my purchases. Now maybe I can work on paying the bugger off.
-- kiss D until he can't take it anymore. ;-) ::: unaccomplished. But that's okay. I hope I never accomplish this one. :-)
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
08:54 a.m.
Hi! I am God.Tuesday, September 3, 2002
05:03 p.m.
-- Actually left house instead of hiding like insane hermit.
-- Bought cheap frame for Blues Brothers Poster - hung up in LR, above bookcase. Next step - buy DVD.
-- Cancelled cake that was supposed to have been ready for Sept. 7th wedding.
-- Splurged on Bridget Jones's Diary. Loooove that movie.
-- Began caffeine withdrawal process. OOOOoooooh, my achin' head.
-- PAID ALL BILLS!
Disappointments:
-- Won't be able to go to zoo this week with mom, as she just had to spend a huge wad o' money on a new hot water heater.
-- Postponed dinner with Erik as Mr-Flighty-Bachelor has to spend next three hours cleaning, and I didn't want to eat dinner at 9 pm.
-- Couldn't find frames for all the other cool stuff I wanted to get framed, because of course they're all non-standard sizes.
-- The Payless that I went to doesn't have fall/winter stuff out yet, so I couldn't get a new pair of pseudo-Docs for work.
Still to do:
-- Call and figure out what to do with $500 wedding dress, as store isn't open Tuesdays. *sigh*
-- Get hair cut.
-- Fight depression and anger. (ongoing)
-- Initialize CheckCard so I can stop using my MC on all my purchases.
-- kiss D until he can't take it anymore. ;-)
September is going to be really really hard for me. Some of these updates may be gawdawful-depression-filled. But, you know, you just gotta take things one day at a time. Time passes... it's the oldest trick in the book.
Monday, September 2, 2002
12:11 p.m.
(leftover Indian for brunch. MMMMmmm, endorphin rush...)
On vacation this whole week... woo! I have no idea what to do with myself. Maybe pick up some books that I keep promising myself I'll read. Kicked off my week beautifully, dragged D with me to B & G's for dinner, and was alternately abused and outrageously flattered the whole evening. Since in the end the compliments were far better than the insults, I won't hold any grudges. :-) After dinner, we went to watch the WEBN fireworks. It was a lot of fun... the crowd wasn't quite as overwhelming as I thought it would be, we actually had a very good view, and the display was fairly impressive. Then off to Arthur's for a late snack and some beer. Pleasant evening. :-)
So, few plans this week... Tuesday I'm going to beg food off of Erik, but that's it for now. Biz-nitch, you should come up and visit me. I will purchase a bottle of tequila vodka for you.... <tempt><tempt>Saturday, August 31, 2002
11:13 a.m.
The gods have a habit of giving you exactly what you need.
Sometimes, that's a sharp kick to the head; sometimes it's a gift that defies description.
My life could be an absolute pit of despair right now, but it's not; I'm not letting depression and darkness drag me down. What has happened has been miserable, and I can't say that I'd much rather that it didn't. But it did, and there's nothing I can do to change the past; so instead I'll try to learn what I can from my experiences. I do know that I have learned how strong I can be, I have learned that I have many people who love me as I am, and I have learned that no matter what happens or how terrible things may seem, the ability to laugh and enjoy life is still strong within me.Friday, August 30, 2002
12:52 a.m.
And sometimes, lucky me, it's the other way 'round.
I owe a lot of people emails. I'll get to it soon, I promise!!Wednesday, August 28, 2002
12:14 a.m.
Fun night. :-) Watched Resident Evil, and now eagerly anticipate the next one. Plus, if you watch closely, you very nearly get full-frontal nudity from the lovely Milla Jovovich. Mmmmm.
All sorts of other things I'd like to write, but probably won't post them here... won't write them tonight, anyway... *yawn* Ug, I'm gonna be wiped out tomorrow. Ah well... it was worth it...Sunday, August 25, 2002
05:04 a.m.
That's all you need to know. ;-)Thursday, August 22, 2002
11:04 p.m.
First of all, I'd tell poor Ben not to eat where he worked, so to speak, but I'm not really one to talk. OH the stories I could tell... just be careful, and whatever happens, DON'T LET IT END BADLY.
I just made a folder in my inbox called "oh dear god, what am I doing". I'm not telling you what I put in that folder. It's either really good or really bad, and I don't know which yet.
Had a lovely evening last night, and discovered that life does exist after breakups, even bad ones. Met an adorable guy who unfortunately, I only got to talk to briefly, but I did find out today that he's, oh, mildly interested in getting to know me. :-) Major ego boost. Surprising and unexpected and delightful.
Then had a lovely evening tonight... went out with a friend, had good food and margaritas at Don Pablo's, and had conversation that was light-hearted yet meaningful, deep and thought-provoking yet not depressing. Also discovered that said friend has a much greater strength of character than I expected, shame on me. Though I remain disappointed in the events that caused me to see such strength, I am pleasantly surprised and much impressed to see it. There, is that vague enough? :-)
Well. Off to bed. Things to do tomorrow.Monday, August 19, 2002
10:31 p.m.
I hate this.
I never wanted it to end badly. I never wanted it to end.Monday, August 19, 2002
09:06 p.m.
Grey Street
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
-- Dave Matthews Band, Grey Street, Busted StuffMonday, August 12, 2002
06:35 p.m.
Monday, August 12, 2002
06:03 p.m.
Sinnocence
Violane's LJ, Boy Crazy
Rule #1 for the New Me: NO MORE DRUNKEN EMAILING. Drunken writing, okay. Drunken emailing, BAD.
News of the weekend: Went to Aaron and Aaron's wedding. Absolutely beautiful. The rabbi was excellent... he spoke from the heart and actually got choked up at a few points. The joy and bliss and happiness rolled off the Aaron's in waves. It was so lovely to see them married; they looked absolutely radiant. Many many congratulations and love, my friends.
I feel selfish switching from that topic back to me, but I want to get this out.... I'd like to state that it was wonderful to see everyone there; a number of guests were old friends from college, all of whom are now either married or in very serious relationships. That was hard for me. For one, it's just another sign that my college days are completely gone, everyone and everything has changed, and for two, my date and I were the only ones there without a serious relationship. Given the past month I've had, it wasn't the easiest thing in the world to deal with all these happy bouncy couples. *sigh*
I will say, however, that my date was wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, and quite clearly the hottest guy there. </end ego stroke>
Yeah. Back to reality.Friday, August 9, 2002
10:32 p.m.
Someone please fucking explain to me how a guy can take everything you love, rip it to shreds, and feel fucking justified doing it. Tell me how anyone can take anybody, take everything they love, and make a conscious decision to ruin it. I don't understand how these people can feel justified, can feel SELF-RIGHTEOUS, in what they do. I don't understand how they get up every morning and PAT THEMSELVES ON THE FUCKING BACK and say yes, they live the perfect life, and the conscious decision to destroy someone else's is A-OK. I don't understand how they justify to themselves that being a malicious, judgmental, closed-minded ass is a perfectly reasonable thing, and it's acceptable to refuse to see any side of the story except their own. I don't get it.
I live a lot of my life according to my own rules. But I have done very few things out of outright maliciousness or deviousness or hatefulness. I have loved with all my heart, I have fucked with all my being, I have been the best person I could have been.
And that is quite clearly not enough.
So somebody tell me. Who am I supposed to be? Where is the rulebook that gives me the outline of the things I can and cannot do? Where is the document that tells who I can and cannot be? Who are the people in this life that I am supposed to please?
I can only do the best that I can. I can only be exactly who I am. For most, that is enough. For some, that is nothing at all.
That is all I have to say. I am in a space tonight that wavers between strong and proud; depressed; hateful; angry; and extremely negative, which is an emotion that I promised I would not express. Unfortunately, these things come and go. I'm trying not to be negative. But sometimes it is more than I can stand.
Thursday, August 8, 2002
08:38 p.m.
First, I can tell how badly my trust in people has been eroded by the fact that a friend of mine told me he wouldn't be able to go out to dinner with me because he had a sinus infection, and I felt the tiniest twinge of "Is he telling the truth?" I HATE that. I HATE that twinge. I hate disbelieving for even the tiniest nanosecond.
Second, I'd like to state that I work at the best place in the world. Background: I work in a fairly tight-knit group, and everyone usually knows when, say, someone is moving, or is getting married, or is going through some other major lifestyle change. Well, y'all should know by now, I have moved out of my beautiful beautiful historic Covington home that I once shared with my (ex)fiance into another historic Covington apartment that's too small and costs too much, but it would have cost me my sanity had I not gotten it when I did. All I asked from anybody was help when I was moving, and I got that in spades; 5 people from my work showed up to help, all with SUV's and some serious manpower. The whole move went so smoothly I was amazed. Well. Last year, when I moved into my previous home, I received a GC to Bed, Bath, and Beyond as a housewarming gift from all the folk at work. I expected absolutely nothing of the sort this time, for any number of reasons: I'd already moved only a year ago, I already had a gift in the form of the wonderful people who helped me move, etc. Lo and behold, today there sat upon my desk a card and another GC, to Target this time. I am absolutely astounded at the thoughtfulness of my co-workers. I was caught completely off-guard, and was thrown even more upon discovering who had set this up for me. I will say only that I'm happy to find there are still sweet people in this world, and there are still people who care. I was asked by said instigator, "Well, do you feel loved now?" and I replied "I feel very loved, thank you for asking. :)" And I do.
I am amazed at the people I have rediscovered throughout this time of trauma. I have gotten in contact with old friends, and I have strengthened already existing friendships. I have found the people who truly love me as I am. I am slowly finding my own strength, as I slowly rediscover myself. I can only say thank you to everyone who has emailed, called, or otherwise done wonderful, supportive things for me. :-)
Of course, two-and-a-half is, I did crash and burn a little today. It was a little overdue, actually. It didn't last too long, just long enough to make my eyes puffy and give me a roaring headache. I loved my ex with all my heart. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. That's not the way it worked out, obviously. I anticipate more crash-n-burns in my future, and I'll take them as they come, since they, too, are part of the healing process.
That's my two and a half things. I'm going to try to get to bed early tonight. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I moved in here... of course, it's not like I've been STRESSED or anything....Monday, August 5, 2002
10:54 p.m.
1) Never again will I underestimate the power of touch. It's something so easily taken for granted, when it shouldn't be. You notice touch a lot more when you're single... the casual slap on the shoulder, the occasional friendly massage, the power of a hug.
2) Staying true to one's self. I have gained a newfound respect for people that have found who they are, or even just pieces of who they are, and stay true to that. It's sometimes the hardest thing in the world to stay true to yourself in the face of people who want to change you to fit the mold of "who you should be." Well. That's not the way it works.
Obviously, I can't stay away. :) I always have things I want to say. Now it's a question of whether I can stay away from the negative things in my life right now. I need to stay focused on the positive.
I have found that, despite all the horrible things that have happened and why, I cannot hate the person who brought these things about. Yes, I am being deliberately vague. I simply won't get into the details here. But. I spent too much time enjoying the love to ever completely forget that, and I just can't lose it all to hatred. I know this is a ridiculous sentiment, and it's neither wanted nor appreciated by the person in question. Again, but. That's part of who I am. If I let myself be eaten alive by hate, then what hope have I for the future? My only hope resides in growing and forgetting, and taking things day by day until the hurt starts to fade.
American Hi-Fi - Wall of Sound Monday, August 5, 2002
08:23 p.m.
"What is love, where did it get me?
Whoever thought of love is no friend of mine."
Dar Williams, Iowa (Traveling III), Mortal CitySunday, August 4, 2002
05:33 p.m.
What Type of Villain are You?
mutedfaith.com /
<º>
Friday, July 19, 2002
09:01 p.m.
The above has been deleted because it's not worth fighting for. I'm still scared. But I'm just scared in general. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through. The paragraph below has not been changed.
I am taking a break. Things in my life have fallen to many many pieces. I like checking my links on the right though, which is why I'm not completely taking the page down.
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