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Saturday, October 16, 2004 / 11:28 a.m. figuring out how to climb out of this deep hole of mine. i'll be out of it by the end of the year, just watch. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Saturday, October 9, 2004 / 02:09 p.m. haha once the tase of pickles can satisfy your taste with anything...with spaghetti, with jja jjang myung...you know you're a korean. haw haw things seem to be going deeper. can't see the point when everythign is goign to dip up again. can't see it anymore. oh well. let's wait it out, shall we? what else am i supposed to do haha .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Thursday, October 7, 2004 / 05:31 p.m. i'm trying. i really am. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Sunday, October 3, 2004 / 08:28 p.m. happy 6 months, fran. = ) you're beautiful. anyway right before i go off to study a bit more, gotta do some dumpage. i have hives all over my face right now, it looks gross. =(. 'm allergic to something i guess. lol doesn't hurt or itch though, i just look disgusting. =) aaanyway so much for sharing too much ahah anyway. interesting day. bumped into some interesting persons that, to tell you the truth, i wouldn't think would ever be intersting in the way i found them to be today. the world is so strange. i've caught in the middle. by the way, everyone at messtudio is amazing, i looked at HOON's gallery forever: messstudio.com hoon is korean by the way!!! yeahhhhhhh lol i swear he is my art idol, holy crap yes and to conclude, my original topic. happy 6 months, baby. here's a little blurb for my blob: yay it's been 6 months officially, now...hasn't been as long as it's probably going to be but it's been a while, gone in a blink. i love how i'm past the stage where it's all impressing each other, where it's all one thing or another. i can talk to you about anything. i can talk to you about our relationship openly with you, i can talk about my feminine roars openly with you. i can do everything in front of you. i can be myself in front of you. i can even dress like a man in rfont of you. (all though being myself and dressing like a man might not go hand in hand...dont' worry i won't turn lesbien on you) haha. you're my better half. never thought i'd let any little filipino boy with nice arms get the better of me. you bastard. i love you .feedback. ____________________________________________________ mmm transvestites. Saturday, October 2, 2004 / 01:12 p.m. you would kiss your boyfriend too:   but would you cross dress with him!??!?!?!   he is wearing makeup, yes. i'm wearing eyeliner on my chin, yes. i'd make a pretty hot guy. he'd make one ugly girl. hahaha, dear sweet jesus, what boredom can do to you.          fran, why is that it looks like you have boobs in that picture? tell me why. ehhe so i'm at work now. my computer is fixed, yay. sitting here making moola. ...i really don't like my job. i mean, it's a great place, i mean. ...i sit here on my ass, making blogs and images the whole day, homework, i fiddle with the phone and whatnot..but i think i need something that i can actually apply myself too. this job is for people with nothing to boot. oh well. this will do for now. =) dododo. it's 2:28 pm now. right now i see a guy who's at least 60 years old straddling a ducati. life is so unfair. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Thursday, September 30, 2004 / 09:13 p.m. gahhhh my computer is driving me nuts. i'm on my brother's right now, tryign to transfer all my krap onto his so i can format my computer. cousins came over, fiddled about with my computer, and i found all this skyware, computer lagging paraphernalia right after. hand in hand with spammish porn, etc. etc. vulgar jibberish i'm sure was put on my computer unintentionally. i'm mad nonetheless. stupid unreliable intronet! die!!! =( well i will make a list of things to do in the next few hours, even though, yeah i know i just wrote something a little while ago. i'm feeling verbose hehe. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Thursday, September 30, 2004 / 09:13 p.m. gahhhh my computer is driving me nuts. i'm on my brother's right now, tryign to transfer all my krap onto his so i can format my computer. cousins came over, fiddled about with my computer, and i found all this skyware, computer lagging paraphernalia right after. hand in hand with spammish porn, etc. etc. vulgar jibberish i'm sure was put on my computer unintentionally. i'm mad nonetheless. stupid unreliable intronet! die!!! =( well i will make a list of things to do in the next few hours, even though, yeah i know i just wrote something a little while ago. i'm feeling verbose hehe. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ get ready for it.... Thursday, September 30, 2004 / 06:50 p.m. yay another long boring entry courtesy of najin ;) eheh anyway, saw garden state toaday...I rally liked it for some reason..it was so realistic, and the character that natalie portman played out, i could really relate to haha. after watching it my brotehr even said 'woah you remind me of that girl from the movie., haha donno itf that's somethign to be proud of though :T.. anyway, great movie. imo anyway. so i got off the phone with someone who had apparantly reada few of my entries from before..which motivated me to do so as well. man...i tell you, as i scrolled back in time there, i was completely mesmerized and taken aback by the past. lol i swear, i could tase, feel, almost touhch everything i was talking aout on all those entries. every pain i had i can still taste a little bitterness on my tongue, every defeat i had is evident from the strength of myself now, it's still amazing to bask in reminiscence., it really is. everything seems like it just happened yesterday when it's all layed out in front of you like a timeline. i swear, right now it's just really wierd for me...it feels like i kind of snapped out of a little trance, back to reality. back to all the poo headed things that are facing me now. i guess it helps though, all in good time, i'll be able to look back at this moment like another entry, another faded memory. hah if only we can preserve what we enjoyed, if only we can get rid of what we don't want to remember, eh. oh well, life doesn't work that way. there are so many things i will miss and i do miss, but then again there are so many things that i'm glad aren't reality anymore. and what am i doing sulking about my misfortune? this is a blip in the bigger picture, nothing but a blip, everything that' ssucky right now isn't set in stone. =) be huppy najin. the world seems miserable when you are. anyway. i still can't walk straight. i can't even stand in one place for very long in fears of toppling over. it was twisted, i went to the doctor who figured it was just some kind of imbalance of infection with my ear...she cleaned them out for me (haha, poor woman), then counselled me and told me that i would most likely be fine the next mornin, and if i wasn't then to see her and play it from there.g. oh ho ho ho. this is really getting annoying. so annoying and dnumbing, in fact, that i think i'm getting used to my mental walkhavior. i do realise that if my balance weren't so out of whack, that i could be riding my bloody bike right now. oh boy, do i ever realise it. >=( this computer is unfixable. i can't even go back and correct all the mistakes nad typoes i see unfolding in front of me because it's too slow to even scroll up and change things at a bearable rate. hehe my compupu is sick too. *strokes metal* i hear you. i hear you. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Tuesday, September 28, 2004 / 08:16 p.m. save me. =( .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Saturday, September 25, 2004 / 04:53 p.m. sweet jesus, i sure do take myt work ccomputer for granted. got to work today to face 8 hours of sitting duckness, when i find that my computer is broken =( nuuuuuu!!!!!! 8 hours of homework wasn't so bad but i think i have a permanent twitch in my right eye and .....arhg. = ( im still at work by the way, just stealing a co worker's computer because they hadn't faced the misfortune that i had to. har har har ahr so sad how dependant i've become on technology. =P. annnnyway!! omg something occured to me which made me very very agny. i could have my bloodu vehicle purchased right now if it wasn't for my bloody woky balance. my throat infection ois now gone, but the aftermath of it is brtual. i can't walk straight anymore :P. i truly look like a special needs poor littl asian girl who happnes to be drunk at the same time 0.o all tho my ears feel fine, 'im guessing there is some sort of infection, as there is no way i can keep my balance. it's kind of fun though, yennoo, seeing how many people you might unintentionally walk into in the hallways. there have been a lot 0.o. =( awww *pokes at ear* get better, little ones. school has been great, aside from the fct that i'm failing chemistry. 11, that is. how sad. good bye .feedback. ____________________________________________________ recovering. Saturday, September 18, 2004 / 12:16 a.m. yes. white ninja has inspired me ode to tonsilitis:  lol anyway, wow i'm very dizzy right now, the medication still gets to m, but i had t o get up to electronically record the events of the past little while. hee hee like my nerdy wording? *pushes glasses up* excuse any misspellings, wierd choice of words or anything else, i'm teetering over my keyboard here lol. first off, let me outline for you how disgusting i have been for the past 3 and a half days. aherm. okay, so, tonsilitis has me captive...=( unfortunately, it took my hyegene with me too...i've been so nasty. 3 and a half days....no change of clothes. the same stinking sweats, the same baggy tee, the same drabby snot-nosed hoody hugging me day and night. the same skin too.....no shower for the past 3 and a half days. gross, yes. avoidable, no =(. i couldn't even stand straight for the past three days, let alone give myself a shower. so yeah. i barely had enough energy these past few days to wash my face, brush my teeth, it's been so disgusting. anyway, so today...(er yesterday now), i happened to be at the peak of my nastiness... anyway. so my boyfriend calls. "can i come over? i know you're sick but i have a few things to give you." "that's sweet honey but there's nothing you or anyone can really dof ro em right now. i feel like shit, i think i'm going to barf in a few minutes, i'll talk to you later" *click*. =( so bitter. so sick. damn you najin. anyway i couldn't help it. so an hour later i am hugging my bathroom floor, forcing my food to stay in my tummy. 'get up najin, you're not gonna barf' i told myself. 'aren't a lot of sicknesses in your mind? that's what fran told you, 85% of it is in your mind. get up, go to bed, you'll be fine." right. getting up....staggering to my room...flopping on the bed. puffing up of the cheeks. oh gawd. run back to bathroom, barf barf barf =(. sick. a shpeil of red and yellow blurred by my tears. didn't make me sad or anything, but i gues that's some kind of reflex action after you barf lol your tears start working too. yes. so i wipe my mouth, yes, idon't even bother to brush my teeth of the filth, crawl to the kitchen and frown at my momma. "momma i barfed." =(. "go to your room lie down." *crawls crawls crawls back to room*. *ring ring ring ring * it's fran. 'i'm ten seconds away from your door.' to tell you the truth, i really didn't think seeing anyone would help...but boy was i wrong. i will explain in a bit. okay, so i still smell like puke, like no-shower in three and a half days, like tears, like sweat, like everything else a nasty, helpless sick person smells like, and i see him come into my room. he doesn't cringe, doesn't plug his nose, doesn't take his eyes off of me. he takes out a fresh pair of sweatpants for me, some packages for chicken soup, some tea for me...talks really softly "here i brought you this, i'll stay for a bit to take care of you..." =( lol and what do i do, like a baby i start crying. at that moment, i just felt so much of something that i really needed to feel and i guess i hadn't realised it till then. =( i had someone sitting in front of me that loves me so much with his loving words, yes. but not only that,i'm with this beautiful person that loves me with his patience and all the loving things he does for me on top of his rhetoric. words. actions. what i've always needed. =( he shows me love when i feel my best, he shows me love when i feel my worst. i couldn't help but to start crying. I have the best boyfriend in the world. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ the look. Thursday, September 16, 2004 / 10:07 a.m. this song <==(click click) ...lol there are only a few songs that make me melt, and brings me back to the bliss of being in love with someone. ...well, not just someone, him. =( it reminds me of everything beautiful. ah it's good that i can find peace at a time like this. i haven't been to school for 2 and a half days, turns out i have a brutal tonsil infection that i gotta take penicillin for =(. it hurts like hell. the medication makes me barf, but this song brings me to some sort of temporary euphoria. =) beautiful song. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ arrrrrr Tuesday, September 14, 2004 / 05:29 p.m. i'm in so much pain right now. for starters, i have this nasty kankasaur on my bottom lip, it hurts when i talk, eat, drink. when i swallow, my left ear pops and the left side of my throat feels like it's beig stabbed with a bloody knife. my ear hurts like hellllllllll, it's one of those throbbing pains, the kind a headache is like...an earache i guess you would call it. anyway, even when i just sit and do sweet nothing, my ear throbs and my kankasaur sits there laughing at me. =( unhealthy child. unhealthy whiny child. whiny my yass. it hurts! =(. it hurts when i talk it hurts when i laugh noo it hurts when i sing nooooo it hurts wheni smile -.- lol this is so brutal i'd be singin this song if my throat didn't not want me to: (from casting crowns-who am i) 'i am a flower quickly fading a day and gone tomorrow a wave tossed in the ocean a vapour in the wind still you hear me when i'm calling lord you catch me when i'm falling you've told me who i am i am yours." listen to the song on this blogging page right now, beautiful it is =) nrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ yeeeeee Monday, September 13, 2004 / 07:57 p.m. i'm sick =( i got my MSA!!! i'm sick. =( My courses are messed over now. My eye is twitching. i'm sick. I get my bike soon. I"m sick. My throat feels like it's been jabbed at with a knife every time i swallow. A section of my mouth feels like lemon juice is being generously poured into an open fleshy wound every time i talk. ow.  this or  this? i guess it shouldn't be a question. the zzr250 isn't ugly and it's blasted from the past...1988. -.-. we'll see. i should change the song to this page. i'm actually sick of it now...i love this song too, damn. this year has already been dysfunctional. things to look forward to: - bike - grad. two things. whoo pah. oh yeah. and -summer. =( that's pretty far. HAHAHAHAH THESE ARE KILLER: sample:  haha.  AHAHAHAH!  read s'more..... .feedback. ____________________________________________________ amm.. Wednesday, September 8, 2004 / 07:27 p.m. i usually do not scope meat. but. .... holy shat.  kwon sang woo  won bin. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Tuesday, September 7, 2004 / 01:28 p.m. lol omg he's so cute. click here to watch. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Monday, September 6, 2004 / 10:27 p.m. omg my leg is so attractive.  =( .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Thursday, September 2, 2004 / 12:13 p.m. gee. thanks for noticing when i need your help the most. thanks for not being there. it's fine. as long as i'm there for you, right? whatever. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Tuesday, August 31, 2004 / 12:43 p.m. FINEBC fuel valve *off to on* Ignition Neutral make sure its in neutral by rocking your bike back and forth Engine cutoff switch its the red button brake (rear) Clutch AND thennn Choke clutch in first. choke is like a "second throttle" you turn it on so you wont have to pull the throttle to get your bike warm just have the clutch in and wait till your bike gets worm, after it does, turn off the choke and now yoru bike is ready to go keep the choke out just sit there with your hand on the clutch until your bike warms up you'll know when it does because the sound will change then start button .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Day 1 Tuesday, August 31, 2004 / 09:06 a.m. Bike school, day one. Lots of head knowledge. Lots and lots of head knowledge. I guess the two options I have are to let it go through one ear and out the other, orrr I can try to absorb it, use it to my benefit...hamm. It's just a little tough though...for me at least haaha. we're doing the theory section of the course so far...and...the dude who's teaching us, omg, he's been riding for wht, lmost 30 years, he's some mechanic, so he's always cracking all these vehicle terms and i'm sitting there like 0.0....plus..i am the only girl in the class so he's always spittingout all these car terminology that everyone else is sitting there nodding to while i'm sitting there poking my brain. ah well, it'll make more sense when we actually start riding. anyway, i thought i might just record some crap that i can remember from yesterday that might serve to be a little useful to me on the road. aharm. btw. nothing i expect anyone to willingly read, this is for my own benefit, really. 30 km and under, the vehicle is basically a huge bicycle. turn the handlebars, the bike will go in that direction. 30 k and over, it becomes a motorcycle. you no longer turn the handlebars to go where you want, you have to lean into the curve. gyroscopes....i think that's what it's aclled...but those, they always want to move in a straight line. you can't turn the handlebars and make the thing turn...you'll fall -.-. you gotta learn, make an angle to make yourself turn. balbalba. i'll write more later. http://home.ripway.com/2004-8/166063/dood.gif .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Saturday, August 28, 2004 / 01:34 p.m. still at work. har har, najin you're such a dirty kid. so i'm munching on my scrumptious orange....while it splatters all over my work desk =( so i look around...look around...looking for a paper towel, some toilet paper, even to wipe up the mess. nope. look down at my sleeves. hehe...'come to think of it,' i think. 'my zip up looks like a bloody towel.'. *wipe wipe wipe*. wiping up orange juice..like natural orange juice leaves orange stains on your towel-like shirts. shut up, i didn't know that =(. *looks down at sleeves in dismay*. useless, i know. ....  HAHAHAHAAHAH. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ Saturday, August 28, 2004 / 10:10 a.m. run nellie, run!  this thing intrigues the hell out of me. i do not know how to spell intruige. intrigue. ah, shettup. my summer's almost over!!1!!! what the hail!!!!! bike school starts on monday. it's supposed to rain all next week. pfff right on time. =( oh hell, i keep having dreams about you. 0.o. all the time. sweet dear mother of mary poppins, get out of my mind .feedback. ____________________________________________________ BLAH! Tuesday, August 24, 2004 / my GAWD you can be so boring. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ . Thursday, August 19, 2004 / 11:49 p.m. Past week. there have been great, carefree times, there have been times where I've been ready to pull my hair out, there have been times where I was ready to grip the edge of my seat so tight so that it was about to come off. relaxing, enjoying, preparing myself to be thrown into a surreal slew of events. ready to pull my hair out. worrying. hoping. praying. praying. praying. gripping, clutching onto things, clutching onto people, praying for them to come back as they were. I pray that you're okay...I pray that everything works out...I pray that I can be here for you if you need me. I pray that God might use me to help you in your life....I hope that you might experience something great despite all that has happened to you. I'll be here. I will give you what I can..I will be for you what I can be. As much as it might help the situation if I were able to, some things I cannot. Please understand. I'll still be here for you, but is that not enough? It seems so. Why would you need more? I can't. I'm sorry. Pray. Pray. Pray. What's this? Smacked in the face at the same time. Being judged by someone with such a limited perspective on what's going on. Being penalized by someone who i respect, care for. You threw me off into a self-critisizing state for a second there. What you said was wrong. Believe it or not, I'm not as selfish as you would like to convince me to believe I am. You throw your wisecrack words at me, then you slyly chuck in something so irrelevant. It's okay though, it doesn't matter. Say what you want. You're wrong. God. I've failed to be faithful to you in so many ways, I've failed what I've always thought to be my standard to be pleasing you enough. I dug a huge hole, I hopped in. At the same time, you expect me to be there for people who need someone? Can I really be there for someone when I need someone too? Am I stable enough? Am I capable? Am I worthy to? I know I'm not. I'm so dysfunctional. I'm filthy. I've been so wretched. I know I can't be there for people through my own strong will and encouragement. I have none. Show me how to do it like you would. Please. please hold my hand as I hold others' hands. .feedback. ____________________________________________________ ARCHIVES . |
