Sunday, November 12, 2006

]|[ stuck in the muck ]|[

today is a day i rejoice after a long 3 week frame that i took. however on our way here the car broke down. what a drag. anyway its the first time that ive sat in a civilian vehicle going somewhere when it broke down. my initial thought was 'oh shit, stuck in the muck'. which brought me to think how many times in life have you been 'stuck in the muck'? difficult situations come all the time but its how we handle it to influence the outcome. luckily for me, durning my stay here i have learnt to deal with difficult situations.

was also fortunate for me that during this frame, a close friend of mine came up. this shows that friends can meet even in a rural part of the world. spent sometime catching up with him and finding out what's new back in sg.

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 02:21 p.m.
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

]|[ updates updates ]|[

alright monthly updates just to keep you guys in the loop of what im up to. ive been real busy with work, which i wont elaborate. anyway i had some fun during my stay outfield as i got a chance to interact with a group of people (cannot name names due to the security status of their nature of work) and i found it to be a very enriching experience. the two of them taught me new skills and we were engaged in a very informative and lively discussion - all this was done in the forest. moreover, they taught me how to think positively and of other things affecting the outcome of what you do etc, which i lack. let's just say i have the utmost respect for the two of them. just imagine spending your time outfield with two total strangers at first but being able to share with them your thoughts and aspirations a few hours later..

another thing happeninig lately is ive come to find out some people i know are actually gay. yes GAY! never really expected myself to talk to a gay moreover being my friend. been rather disturbed by the fact that my friend/s are is/are gay! so people.. please be on the alert coz you never know which friend has shady secrets and might just be waiting right around the corner for you..

the past two days have been tiring for me because my frame just ended and now that i have the free time, kumar brought me out to play golf. been at the driving range for these 2 days just practicing on my swing which made me recall a scene from kill bill where uma thurman goes to see this kung fu grandmaster (paimei) and all he asks her to do is carry pails of water for training for a year if i remember correctly. yeah, it kinda gets to you after youve hit around the 213th ball

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 08:33 p.m.
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Sunday, September 10, 2006

]|[ boulevard of broken dreams ]|[

Im feeling down all of a sudden after seeing this show all alone - Break Up. Ironically it felt very much like the story ping and I had. But that’s over now. Shes with a new guy and you know what? You never really know how much someone means to u be it the girl you love, friends, family, till you lose them. I came out here these two days coz I wanted to be alone. To think of what I really want. Im still searching for the answers. Its funny coz usually when you want something it doesn’t appear but when youre not looking for it, it magically appears. Till now, I haven’t got any answers but instead more questions and thoughts.

The story plot wasn’t that fantastic but in the show I could just see my story being told and have come to the conclusion that the problem with us, was communication. I haven’t really told anyone or rather told most people drips and drabs of our story coz it really hurts. Yeah ive seen countless blog topics like “confused” or “sad” etc.. with people pouring out their hearts or blaming the other party. Im not going to lament, but I just want people to learn from my mistake, our mistake

I was stubborn, probably insisting on my way all the time, and most of the time getting what I wanted. I didn’t listen or pay attention to what she wanted – which was attention. Eventually small problems became big, just like in the show and eventually she expected me to do this and that till it became a chore for me, chore for her and the relationship became a chore. I always thought she was my dream girl. Of course no one is perfect but its how we live and accommodate with these flaws that make the relationship strong. Even till now I still think of her every day, the good times we shared and everyday I ask myself did I make a mistake. But distance and time, instead of making the heart grow fonder, made us drift apart. For me, the ideal situation was that I go back and see how things were and take it slow form there because I wanted to show her that ive matured (I hope) and I also at the same time wanted to see if we could work out our differences. Rushing into a failed relationship again was the last thing that I wanted. Then of course there was her side of the story. As some of you know (or don’t know) she enlisted in the army. (guys, you should always support the girl you love so please don’t ask me why I let her do it) and as most of us guys know, that is actually the time when you need your other half’s attention and love the most. Naturally I wasn’t there (coz im overseas working silly) and she soon found someone to replace me. Im not blaming her coz these things, you cant help. Im just disappointed. Coz I didn’t have the courage to commit when it mattered.

Bottom line is that girls, be more accommodating and understand your guys needs. Because when he says he’s tired, he really is. We don’t like to talk on the phone as much as you or cant express ourselves as much as you do. We need time with our friends too. And guys, understand that you need to spend quality time with your girl coz it cant all be you you and you. Surprise her, take her on a walk along the beach. Listen more, talk less. The boulevard of broken dreams is not the place you want to be dude……



paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:44 a.m.
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Saturday, September 9, 2006

]|[ Holiday ]|[

It’s been quite sometime since I took a break from the hectic schedule at work. So far work has been okay but it’s just the last minute projects from my bigger boss that I can’t stand. sometimes being efficient isn’t very good either =| Alright, my colleague Rongli and I decided to take a break during the lull period (lull periods are durations of time where the camp does not have any training frames up here) actually the trip was planned by shay and I but shay couldn’t go coz he had to go back for interview (which is another story) Bernard was supposed to go too but he is going to EOT (this means end of tour here) soon. So it ended up Rongli and I going to KK (Kota Kinabalu). Initially the itinerary was to climb Mt Kinabalu (the highest peak in SEA), go white water rafting and to learn scuba diving. However this trip, we did none. Reason being that we cut down the days to almost a quarter. So what we did was enjoy the beach and food.

After that, we rendezvoused with the others (Shay, Kenny, Bernard and Gabriel) back in BSB. It was sort of a delayed birthday celebration for me. I was really happy! We went to Empire beach, watched Little Man and just had fun. They also forced me to eat Kweh Chap (Pigs intestines) and also sushi!! (made a documentary out of it too) I was very proud of myself that day coz I never thought I’d ever eat those things. We also rented a car and drove around, me driving most of the time. It was enjoyable on a whole – my best birthday celebration overseas (ive spent 3 of them consecutively overseas now).

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 01:20 p.m.
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Saturday, August 26, 2006

]|[ Gold Platter ]|[

To spend sometime overseas while you’re young is definetly a worthwhile experience. Im saying this because most of us aren’t afraid to venture out of the comfort zone Singapore has provided us with. Convenient transport, good shopping, cheap cigarettes, lenient law system…. Hmm. Okay anyway, as I was saying, I was also reluctant to go overseas on this posting because I was scared to leave my family, the girl that I loved, friends and the normal 20-something-year-old routine that I have grown so accustomed to. But I had to go so off I went and I soon found myself, found my footing and learnt to be independent. Along the way ive had many encounters that wouldn’t normally happen in Singapore and also met many new people. I must say among all the people ive met, one was the most memorable.

That person is the High Comissioner of Singapore – Prof Joseph Koh. How I met him was that he visited our camp here in Brunei because he wanted to collect specimens of spiders and our camp, being situated in no man’s land was a rather siuitable place for him to collect spiders. I volunteered to accompany him (as he was not familiar with the jungle here). He is a down to earth man, no airs, very intelligent and face resembling a wacky scientist (minus the bad hair though). He also showed me the immense variety of spiders we people take forgranted. After the expedition, he invited me along with Ah Zai to his residence (Singapore High Comm) for dinner. We went a few days later, just the day before Ah Zai was due to EOT. The place was like a chalet! Very grand, on top of a hill, overlooking brunei’s Jetty. His house was very big and grand, almost like those you see in movies, except this was real, with a big hall and chandeliers and stuff. High comm. Showed us his LIFE’S work on spiders and his collection of spider books (biggest collection in the region) yeah, we sort of nicknamed him spider man. Dinner followed soon after but we were’nt prepared for the formal dinner! I thought it was just a casual dinner. We ended up being served by a BUTLER(!) and a nanny. Yeah balls. It was also my first time being served food from a plate embossed with a Gold Singapore crest. (Experience level up!!). Ended the evening by taking pictures and also received a gift from him – A Guide To Common Singapore Spiders (it’s the small book every kid used to have in primary school) and he wrote it!!!

So I guess you’re asking what has all these got to do with going overseas. All I can say is that you never know what or who you will meet or the experiences that you will encounter if you just continue with that routine life. Probably if you job sucks, change it. If you are contemplating to go overseas but are scared, don’t be. Like a friend once told me “Things will always work out fine in the end*”

*99%of the time =)

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 05:17 p.m.
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Monday, August 7, 2006

]|[ drive ]|[

finally after a month or so of waiting its finally here! the approval letter from my superiors to go learn driving! all for the grand price of hmm.... lets see... err SGD$400?!?! unbelieveable you say? not where nissan Z4s go for under a hundred k. all that hype was just about last week and during that time i have already gone for lessons. no waiting, no queueing. just own time own target. where im taking, the instructor just stands outside of the car and gives instructions where a group of students take turns to drive. it is quite funny especially when you got all your friends learning and teaching each other and banging into poles while reversing. i thoroughly enjoyed myself when i went for my 1st lesson with shay and ong. it was f#$#ing funny! and of course the usual bet to see whose car would stll 1st and how many poles who would bang down. if only this were to be appiled in sg. im beginning to feel so many implications back home. sure its a safe nice clean and systematic country but when theres a system in place, it usually leaves no room for creativity/fun.

CON JOB
my room needs a con job. what i mean by this is that since i came back from sg my air con has died out on me and ive been sleeping without the aircon since. also, the fan i have in the room isnt much help as its only circulating the hot air around (just like those ovens they offer on sell-a-vision) tough luck huh. did i hear open the windows? well, thought of that but i'd rather wake up hot than to have 7342 mosquito bites on my body. issue has been brought up 286 times but it cant be help as the allocated funds for 'maintenance' is out. dang!

GAME CRAZE
recently ive been rather lazy as my team is not the conducting for any frame so ive been tasked with the 'here and there odd jobs' anyone can find. i must admit i havent been putting in any effort what so ever as im quite obsessed with this game called monster hunter freedom. it beats ANY game hands down in terms of addictiveness.

CHANGE
not been to happy with the many changes going on in the camp. many colleagues/friends share my sentiments. some are happy that they are going back before all these changes take place. i wonder if i made the right decision by opting for my extension. but like i said, change is constant and universal. sometimes change might be for the better or for the worse but no one knows unless they try. im bitching about it too but i tell myself i have to keep my opinions open for things to work. good thing i have a very good boss (direct boss) who always helps me to put things in perspective (whether it be the broken down aircon or stuff related to work) and who teaches me how to view life and the little lessons it teaches us daily. good bosses always make your day dont they?

PRESENT
i recieved a present (presents actually) from weiling too! thanks sweetie! there was a photo frame (but no photo -_-"), a bookmark for the books i read, a fragrance (davidoff echo!! to make me less smelly), animated playing cards (when you flip them a picture unfolds - took me sometime to figure it out after i shuffled the deck) and a lighter holder (for me to die younger =X). it may seem small but its these small gestures that brighten up your day, especially when youre so far away from home. its true that internet has made the world smaller but then again, these are the things that count. take a moment to consider this: crap day at work, realised your 4D number was the winning number, but it was the wrong day, but then again you lost your wallet, and you were expecting an important call, but forgot to charge your phone and your day turns really shitty (no this id not happen to me) but wait! at the end of the day when you come home you find a parcel waiting for you on the table! wow! now arent you happy? yeah well though exaggerrated i think you get the point. just wanna thank you again sweetie for the present!
so thats whats happening right now if anyone of you is still reading this. be updating my photo journal after this. check it out at the url stated under 'about me' n keep me posted all you lazy bum friends of mine!

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:52 p.m.
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Thursday, June 22, 2006

]|[ back in brunei ]|[

18 days has passed by in the blink of an eye. firstly id like to thank everyone for making my stay back in sg enjoyable. so whats been happening in sg you ask?

BMT?
ping's in BMT. pity we only got to meet on my 1st week back. she isnt really enjoying it but she's a strong girl and she'll make it. she came out yesterday but i was'nt able to meet her as my flight was in the morning.

SHOPPING FINE
next, i recieved a fine for littering while waiting for beng and yangyi outside zara wheelock place. it was really unexpected. i looked around before throwing the damn butt, but after that this man came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. at first i thought he wanted to borrow a lighter. he ended up showing me his ID and demanded mine. being a newbie to this (yes, its the first time i got caught) i stupidly granted his request. the a** didnt even say anything during the whole thing. i got the shock of my life when i saw my fine - it was $200. if i had known it was so expensive id have ran away. i mean he was wearing shirt, pants and LEATHER shoes. i dont think he'd even be bothered to chase me. the most irritating thing was when he was printing out my fine, this insurance girl came up to me and wanted to do a survey. was she that blind?!? so after this episode i was bitching the whole day to beng and yy saying that i could get them $200 worth of stuff etc.

BENGS LICENSE
a big kudos to beng for being my driver for most of our late night outings. this pro race driver finally got his license and with it many late nights out. we were so bored one night we went to zouk (the entrance) cos we were improperly dressed and we waited outside for the rest to finish before going out. in the mean time he was attracting alot of gay attention...

THE BBQ
this was probably the highlight of the outings. a bbq at huisiang's house in bukit timah. lotsa food and also i learnt new drinking games. huisiang got drunk and slept in his garden even when it started to drizzle.

WISDOM TEETH
everyone has them. some give pain, others not. i decided to take mine out for fun. big mistake especially coming back while on leave. it made me miss out on alot of food and mood. but all in all i glad the four of my teeth are finally out. now they are on display in my house, though a tad bit dirty. actually they look like and odd piece of bone rather than teeth. freaky dude.

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 04:27 p.m.
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Friday, March 17, 2006

]|[ BRUNEI FOR DUMMIES ]|[

Been in Brunei for about a month already and things are okay. What I mean by okay is that im missing home but learning to adapt to being independent.

First, let me orientate you to where I am exactly. Brunei is about 1200km away from Singapore or about 2hrs flight away. Don’t ask me how long is it by bus coz you’ll end up getting slapped. =) the time here is the same as Singapore - +0800 GMT. In layman terms it means that if its 0700hrs in Singapore, that means its also time for me to wake up over here. Brunei is divided into 4 districts. 2 of those names im unsure. However, that’s not important. My camp is situated in the Temburong district (one of the districts) and the main town is called Bangar. It is only accessible by boat which takes 45mins from the main town Bandar Seri Begawan (BSB) – not backstreet boys though, sorry. Once on boat you can already see the mangrove swamps and the vegetation getting thicker as you get nearer Temburong. Once you setp out of the boat into Temburong, it is as though you’re taken back through time onto this pretty untouched piece of land. The main town itself where you step out of the boat is as modern as a row of HDB shop houses with the only consolation being a newly set up wireless LAN café where I sit at the table for about 1 hr on my night’s off to send all of you mail and surf the net. To me this is my little retreat from everyone to be alone for that precious 1hr and peer into the outside world through the internet. It is heaven sent. I get to enjoy, on sunny days, the breath taking sunset that isn’t obstructed by any tall HDB buildings or skyscrapers like in Singapore. And slowly as the sun sets, so does my mood as I know it is time to go back to camp, where all the insanity begins again. Well, almost.

Our privies are nights off at Bangar Town every Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and 4 days OFF every month where we can go to BSB or just stay in camp and watch DVDs or play sports or just have some time to ourselves. Mind you that the off and nights off are only if we have the time. Most of the times these privileges get forfeited because there is a training frame that is here and we have to attend to them (this also means waking up early and other things which ill explain later) that is why sometimes I have to suddenly log off msn as well because we have to catch the transport back to camp.

Other interesting facts about Temburong are:
-There is only 1 (yes ONE) taxi in Temburong district itself.
-There are NO traffic lights in Temburong
-There are NO shopping centres in Temburong
-The insects here are AT LEAST 3 times bigger than in Singapore
-There are no fast food outlets here in Temburong and the capital itself has only 1 McDonalds
-The healthcare here bloody cheap (I did my root canal for $25 where as in SG its about 1k)

So im going to be here for a year and you’re prolly wondering what I do over here. ill try to cover my job scope as comprehensively as I can. For starters, my title here is Officer Instructor (OI) and according to the camp’s mission, my job is to “Conduct and Support training for troops in a Jungle environment”. I have the rank of Lieutenant but my job requirements actually put me in the estab of a Captain. When training troops come up (we call them frames) our work begins. I conduct navigation exercises, survival training – which encompasses how to kill animals, build shelters and make the most out of the basic natural resources found in the jungle to survive and also as a guide for people climbing Mt Biang (a certain mountain which requires one to be on all fours to climb it). I also do a lot of paperwork as I have to plan and co ordinate with pilots the name list of those taking the helicopter for training, the allocation of survival sites, the routes taken for various navigation execises and contingency plans etc etc.. so the OI’s hardly sleep when a frame comes. There’s just so much work to be done. Usually frames come back to back but we do get a breather of a week or a few days or so in between if we’re lucky. Also there’s a few teams conducting so it’s on a rotation basis so if we’re not conducting, we’re helping out.

Over here when we have free time there’s also stuff that we have to do and stuff we can do. The stuff we have to do includes maintainence of helicopter Landing Sites(LS). Maintanience doesn’t mean sweep and mop but actually chop trees and cut the grass because the helicopter requires a certain radius of flat ground to land on so we constantly have to do maintainence. This may seem like a chore…well it actually is but ive grown to like it because I get to go for helicopter rides. It is tedious because there are more than 10 LS’s around but that also means more airtime (pun intended) for me. A bird's eye view i must say where the forest extends far beyond where my eye can see. if we do stay overnight on a high enough elevation, a beautiful sunrise greets us when we wake. hard to describe in words but ill past the photos when i get a chance. I also have to do checkpoint maintanence. This is where my team and I trek into the jungle to replace or repair spoilt checkpoints that are used during navigation. Ask an army friend who has done navigation and he’ll tell you what’s it all about. In this jungle there are beautiful untouched rivers where sometimes we take a breather and just have a dip or go fishing. Then comes the stuff we can do (which happens to be my favourite). As you all know alcohol is banned here in Brunei, which means that there are also no clubs so what we do to occupy ourselves is actually to
1) sleep
2) watch dvds
3) play PS2/PSP
4) play soccer
5) play volleyball
6) go gym
7) experiment with cooking
8) read books
this is actually quite a change but I quite enjoy it. By the way, DVDs go from $1.50 (If you haven’t already noticed Brunei and Singapore currency are the same) here so everyone has a stack of the LATEST DVDs to watch.

So much for BRUNEI FOR DUMMIES. Visit often for more updates…

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 08:57 p.m.
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Monday, February 6, 2006

]|[ teeth are of the utmost importance ]|[

it is a general requirement for SAF personel going on overseas attachment to have their teeth checked and wisdom teeh removed. i had a pleasant surprise when a few days ago i went to do my checkup and they told me the next available date for the operation was on 7th March! what that means is that ill either be delayed or ... i dunno. i really hope i get delayed. suddenly when you're going to go time really passes so fast you wish for it to slow down. there are so many things left undone, so many words unsaid to friends, family and loved ones. i was pondering one day the question "what if we knew when our time was up?" and thought about all the things we wanted to do and say to the people around us, whether it be asking for forgiveness or saying 'i love you', would eventually be done because we know when we are going. anyway back to the topic. so i have roughly a month left in sg. i really hope to make the most of it. really. and just enjoy whatever time i have left in sg...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 04:03 p.m.
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

]|[ in the end everything will run smoothly ]|[

this was one speech beng told me that made me ponder alot on life.. "in the end everything will turn run smoothly". Now though as simple as it was meant to be, ive learnt to realise the complexities of this simple sentence. take our trip to koh samui for example.. 1)24hr ride by bus and coach - feeling shitty 2)Reached Koh Samui Island - no hotel to stay 3)No transport back 4)People there cant get our meaning so.. in the end, the ride ended, we found a hotel after talking to someone, we managed to get the hotel staff to converse with the agent and get tickets and etc etc... you see so no matter how shitty the situation is, EVERYTHING WILL RUN SMOOTHLY IN THE END. i decided to write this after hearing a few of my friends telling me the problems they face and stuff so i just wanna advise them be optimistic and smile..

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 01:35 a.m.
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Friday, September 23, 2005

]|[ my one month in taiwan ]|[

20 Aug 05 a happy birthday to me. im 23 today, supposedly the last day of navex (navigatoin exercise) but we managed to come back yesterday afternoon - 1st in the batallion. (must see who lead =D) my team: Rafi, Lok, Duncan, Guojie, Alex, Kai, Williams started our journey on the 18th morning. it was a rather gloomy start to the navex as it started to ain before we left camp. woke up late and had a bun for b'fast. i wondered how our team would fair but didnt really think about it.. however i wanted to prove something in this navex. rain still poured when we were dropped off at our start point. when we de-bused, i told alex to do a comms check with base camp and we set off. looking to my side, and endless vegetation could be seen. this was where we were supposed to bash up? i thought. i made a quick appreciation of situation and compared it to my map. decided on walking on abit 1st before basing in. it proved to be a good decision. we passed by a place that was used for our company mission back in OCS a year ago. sure brought back alot of memories. the climb up left everyone breathless and we took a 5 min break while i went to survey the place for a good route leading to our 1st checkpoint. from where i was standing i could see it already but it looked closer than it actually was. sort of like when you're on one side of grand canyon wanting to go to the other canyon.. yah. gosh, it was high up. the rain had turned into a drizzle and our spirits were better. our checkpoint Quebec, it was said, was very high and from where we were it really did seem the part. by 1300 we managed to reach our destination. we were the 1st team on one of the hardest to reach checkpoints. the view was superb. spent more than the intended 1/2 hour resting/taking pics etc. from this point, the place where we rested earlier on seemed like a tiny spec. the roads below looked liked a black ribbon strewn across the valleys. to add to that, the other mountains in the background touching the clouds and the cool mountain breeze blowing in our faces. i was taking all of it in, lost in my thoughts when i suddenly realised that we were'nt sticking to time. we gathered our belongings and headed down to our net checkpoint. before long, the walk was beginning to take its toll on us. i could see my men lagging behind and looking tired in comparison to when we 1st started out. i told them we would take a break once we reached our midpoint. 1730 and we reached it. from there we were disussing whether to push on or rest here for the night. everyone was eager and so we left, heading for the next checkpoint. by this time, the sun had set and we were walking in darkness. night time navigation is much harder as there is no feature to compare and see what position you are at. looking at the map was also a chore. eventually we reached our checkpoint at 2000 or so. everyone was tired and needed strength for tomorrow's walking so we rested. set up the shelter and cooked some food. we had a long day. didnt have a good sleep that night as it rained and flooded our whole area. tough luck huh. (INCOMPLETE)

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 06:07 p.m.
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Wednesday, January 1, 2003

]|[ Ministry Of Sound ]|[

Its been a month since ive seen singapore soil.. tomorrow ill be back and im pretty excited. theres so much that happened here ill jot it down when i get back. theres also the things to do when i get back list and its far from few. now that ill be getting my new posting and that im rather free after all this hype of atec, im gonna take a break from it all and try to get my thoughts in perspective. so much has changed in my life. we broke up... and ... stuff. im going to do stuff that ive been putting aside for far too long like getting my driving license - enrolled in 2000. go to the beach more. hang out with friends. live my life. right now im contemplating whether to change my bike, whether to study after all this, whether to do this and that but i guess things have a way of sorting out themselves. first things first when i get back, ill try to update this blog on my past 1 months thoughts coz i wrote them down in my notebook. then ill get my bike from mathew! it better be in good condition!! and then ill catch up on my reading and friends. we have till the end of the month till we go back to camp so ill be spending some time taking her out for her fav food. shes not doing too well in school. too much stress.. yah i guess thats it for now. my thoughts are coming out not in the sequence i want them to but thats the way it is when its so late at night with no rest. u see we went to MOS just now to find it was closed so the damn taxi driver was driving us around taipei trying to find a club but to no avail.. ok ill end here.. updates soon i promise!!!

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 04:22 a.m.
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Sunday, July 17, 2005

]|[ duty officer ]|[

saturday has just passed. a monotonous saturday which was made worse because i was the duty officer in camp. i got out only today and right now im feeling very tired. she asked me out to see a performance but i rejected because i have a test tomorrow. i really wanna go. had a talk with tay yong yesterday after he came back from national day duty for a while. learnt many things. later ill be booking in again coz we have to wake very early tommorrow. its atec stage 1 beinning with IPKT (Infantry Knowledge Proficiency Test) 400+ questions are all floating around in my head searching for the right answer.. who said army no need to study???

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:00 p.m.
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Friday, July 8, 2005

]|[ being professional ]|[

recently and for the past consecutive few days, i have been getting scolded frequently by my boss. he says i lack professionalism and leadership in my work. i really have to disagree with what hes saying. he clearly knows the situation im in yet hes not giving me any leeway or room whatsoever so sort my stuff out. really unfair coz hes really not interested in any excuse you giv him for example going to have a break is also wrong when youve been working the whole morning. right now i feel so low at this point in time. weekends burn. nothing is really going right for me. wanna pick up my driving, wanna go back to church, wanna do this and that but im in a mental daze. and i miss her so much. from the way she talks to me, it seems like she hates me. i just wish i had treated her better when i had the chance.

my friends really have been very supportive of me. being there when i needed them, lending an ear, shoulder, giving me the pat on the back i need. even giving me a heartwarming hug. thanks you guys!

colleages have also noticed the change in me, asking why i am so moody and im really sorry if i offended any of you by not responding when you said hi.

in everything that happens, he has a purpose and i pray that it be better. if we're meant to be together, we will be together again...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:48 p.m.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

]|[ end ]|[

how do i begin? how can there be a beginning when everything has ended? i am feeling so much hurt n sadness right now. everywhere i turn, everywhere i look reminds me of her. why must this be? already there are 'what if i had treated her better' 'what if it were later that our relationship started'. so many what ifs. so many if onlys. but the real 'if only' was really if only i had known. if only i had known, id have spent a little more time on you, paying attention to the things you do. if only i had known, id spent more time talking to you at night rather than paying attention to my job. if only i had known, id whisper sweet nothings to you more rather than sleep like the pig that i am. if only i had known, id smile more often rather than portraying the serious face. if only i had known, id be more of a man whom you can depend on rather than depending on you to do things sometimes. if only i had known, id be there when you needed me. id do more. god im really missing you so much but will you ever know? im so broken. i need you but will you come?

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 06:36 p.m.
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Friday, April 22, 2005

]|[ tough week! ]|[

its been a real tough week in camp. after a long break after Ops bacinet and a week off work holidaying in M'sia, i realised i wasnt in the best of shape. too much food and suddenly at the start of the week we were told that we would be having ippt test the next day (tues). tought id do badly but in the end it wasnt so bad as it was. just short of gold. anyways a few of my guys talked to me about their problems when they came back. some had medical problems, family problems, gf problems and another one was in debt. tried to make them feel better but there was one particular story - the one in debt that really disturbed me. he was really pitiful and i really felt for him but i really couldnt do much so i refered him to a counsellor.

ling i hope you're fine. its a good thing that your project thingy is approved!

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 09:05 p.m.
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

]|[ "The wolves within" ]|[

One day, grandson came home feeling angry and started throwing his temper as he has been wrongly accused in school... Grand father smiles and said " I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.... But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times."
He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only stand up for justice when it is right to do so, and in the right way."
"The other one pa?"ask grandson curiously..
"Oh.. the other wolf ! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason, enjoying conflicts & disharmony He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great.
It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."
The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, .."Which one wins, Grandfather?"
The Grandfather solemnly said, "The one I feed son... The one i feed...."

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 09:37 p.m.
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

]|[ caught for beating the red light ]|[

busy busy busy busy! thats what i am going to be. the good "2 day work 2 day off shift thingy" has just ended. i was really beginning to like it..anyway im on block leave right now and im just trying to savour the feeling of not doing anything because i wont be having that feeling after this block leave ends..

reason why i decided to blog today all started from a joke on a close friend about writing a diary. well personal joke so nvm. oh ya. yesternite 12 Apr 05 got caught for the first time on camera for beating the red light. i really really hope nothing happens. really really

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:04 p.m.
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Monday, March 14, 2005

]|[ lonely ]|[

i feel empty... shes at school, im on my odd hour 2 day off work thingy. life seems to have dropped a gear and im taking things slowly nowadays. i spent last night at her place. we were watching son of the mask and i fell asleep. this morning we woke up late as i was supposed to send her to school early. she got angry and asked why i always sleep. *sigh* why do i always fall asleep???? thats a question id like to know. as i was riding back i was thinking why do i always fall asleep? i DO have this problem of not sleeping when i supposed to. its quite odd. sometimes after missions everyone would be sleeping on the bus journeey back but id still be wide awake.. there REALLY is something wrong. maybe ill go check it out with the doctor on my "odd 2 day off work shift thingy"

anyway life couldnt get worse today after quarreling i rode home and guess what? i didnt bring along my keys... so i had to wait again. and i didnt bring my phone and i didnt have any MONEY! good thing i had an atm card.. but the frickin ATM machine was out of service. so i used my nets card to buy a $5 phone card to use to call my dad and waited another hour before they came back... what a day

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 01:52 p.m.
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Sunday, August 8, 2004

]|[ im leaving on a jet plane ]|[

All my bags are packed
I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn'
the taxi 's waiting, he's blowing his horn,
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

chorus:
So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jetplane,
don't know when I'll be back again,
oh babe I'd hate to go
I'd hate to go...

There 're so many times I've let you down
so many times I've played around
but now you know that they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your weddingring

So kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go

I'm leaving on a jetplane
don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
I hate to go...

Now the time has come to leave you
one more time, let me kiss you
close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
when I won't have to leave alone,
about the times when I don't have to say...:

yes my bags are packed but im not ready to go. not not ready but not ready just yet. so many things unsaid, so many things undone. especially my birthday and our 1.5 yrs celebrated away from her... its going to be miserable but i have to be strong. somehow i thought of this song and the lyrics struck me... hmm 8 more days till i fly.. soon ill be in the jungle, alone, thinking of her n missing her so much ..no one ever knows...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 01:03 p.m.
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004

]|[ 2.5 more months! ]|[

its been such a long time and people are still coming to this blog! im so touched so the least i could do was to at least update a bit.

well, so many things have been happening... (they always are especially in the army) been to Taiwan and survived.. signed on, err wat else? too many to say though. now im in the last and final stage of my officer course. in another 2++ months time, i WILL get my black bar. however before that will come the ultimate test - BRUNEI! this word or country doesnt have much significance or should i say doesnt provoke thought for many except those that have been there and experienced its sheer power. it is hard for one not trained in OCS to understand the obstacles and difficulties experienced while there and i too do not know but stories have made me learn to respect what i am about to face (in about 5 wks time) and yup thats the ultimate test for the whole cohort (charlie and hotel).

and as for the signing on, i do have a few things to buy. namely laptop, new digicam, new handphone, new bike, mp3 player among other things ... hope my back pay will settle all that -__-"

thats all for now.. will keep you guys updated when i can. chill

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 07:30 p.m.
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Sunday, February 1, 2004

]|[ field camp ]|[

hari raya. hmmm wat a nice day to ....wait a minute. ill be booking in tomorrow to do my CDS duty. %$^%$&*@# really damn pissed for having to sign an extra. worse still the thing is i didnt make the mistake. anyways be having CDS duty tomorrow and after that setting off for tekong for a 5 day field camp. oh joy -__-" its operation green sleeve and tenderfoot this time and its mostly navigation exercises and section movement. that means alot of proning and keeping still on the ground while ants scurry over you and mosquitoes get really up close and personal with you. it also means taking a real CLOSE look at tekong's plant and animal life and getting barked at by the instructors almost all the time.... commissioning day seems so far away.....

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 09:55 p.m.
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Saturday, January 24, 2004

]|[ lazy saturday ]|[

well, its the 3rd day of chinese new year, a rainy, lazy satudray morning. its been a long awaited rest. a rest from all the physical n mental exhaustion ive been going through since entering OCS. life here is siong. siong but meaningful. its a contradiction in itself that i will never be able to express or tell someone about unless they go through it. id be going through motion sometimes but on the otherhand id be wanting to do it. wats all this bullshit im talking? i dunno.

soon ill be going back to the "place where i belong to" and there wll be live firing n section field camp. i really hope that i do not misfire. my right knee is givng me problems again. wat am i to do?

enough about this melancholy. these past 2 days have been happiest for me in a long time. i got to see my relatives, sister, and most importantly, jane. though we have some issues now, shes been supporting me all the way and im greatly indebted to her for without her i really couldnt think how id go on. caught 2 shows already and intending to catch another one today. hope it be better than the one i saw yesterday =x

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 11:46 a.m.
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Friday, January 9, 2004

]|[ do u remember... ]|[

the thing that prompted me to blog again was an entry in my guestbook. its funny how sometimes just a little promt can get certain things going.

so its been like what? about 4 and a half months since i last blogged. things have certainly changed in this short period of time. been thru BMT, all the field camp shit and everything. got to know some great people, some i'll definetly keep as friends for life. thought that was over and come to OCS for more shit and i mean it. today is already the last day for my 1st term of OCS. that also means that yesterday was the last day of a 3 day leadership fieldcamp for us officer cadets. i really never thought after my initial fieldcamp in BMT that there would be anything more siong than that but the past 3 day have been hell for me. those that have completed TST would share my sentiments... well at least in my platoon. what i went through i wont bother to describe coz to u the reader, it would just be another complaint. anyway u wont really know the feeling no matter how i explain it till you try it. so anyway i was very happy after the camp and our instructor further boosted our morale by saying that was nothing compared to what we are in for. oh well....



paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 04:56 p.m.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003

]|[ my birthday ]|[

ok so its my birthday today.... lots of things have been happening in the past week. first, i completed my attachment. then there was my chalet. i really had alot of fun... and alot of presents. since both me and jane's birthday is the same, we had many 'couple' presents like t shirts n stuff... ok anyway im going into tekong on friday. i didnt really think much about it but as its drawing nearer it kinda feels like time is passing real fast and ive not have the time to really enjoy and spend time with her. *sigh* anyway im very sleepy right now so i dont really think u guys will know what im toking about ... -___-" so i'll just end here. i'll not be blogging for the next 3 weeks at least but i'll definetly be keeping this site. so update once in a while ya.. cya all ...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 12:35 a.m.
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Wednesday, July 30, 2003

]|[ air force ]|[

so there you go. its done. ive put alot of thought into it. now its done. i dont know if ive made the right decision but something at the back of my mind tells me that i have. i went for the interview the air force was having and should be able to get the job. that said army is only a stone's throw away from the curent date. i hope im prepared. just hope that everything will go smoothly ya....

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 08:49 p.m.
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Thursday, July 24, 2003

]|[ this blog isnt dead! ]|[

ok so ive not been blogging in a while... err long time.. sue me. =x its really been a hectic 1 - 2 months of attachment for me. another 1 month and im done. and another 1 month and a week and im going to be in tekong! time passes so fast but lets not talk about the future shall we. instead ill share wats been happening to me for the 1 - 2 months ive not been blogging.
ok 1st i was abducted by aliens, had a metal rod drop on my foot, lifted a 200++ kg metal board with 4 other guys, had a workpiece cut my chest, made a box out of a sheet of acrilic, sorted out more screws, ignored my blog, sold my drumset, bought a flying V (electric guitar), serviced my bike (finally), cut my hair, became more creative overnight, learnt a new language (?), dont worry thats a personal joke..
so there you have it. life's pretty much the same. im just treasuring my time more with her. its pretty stable now. waiting for army to come... and go. hopefully i can get to be in OCS. i hope.. tsk .. i dont know. anyway i found the time to write this down coz i skipped work. LoLz accompanying her today to go out. ah well, i'll end here for now. catch you guys soon.

the new layout has to be delayed coz i cant find any photoshop installers anywherE!

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 09:30 a.m.
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Wednesday, June 4, 2003

]|[ running ]|[

Artist: No Doubt
Song: Running

Lyrics:

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I've fallen
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
I really hope you make it
Do you think we'll make it?
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

Monday, June 2, 2003

]|[ ahem! ]|[


Neo. Talented and ambitious.You agree that Learning
never stops.

i dont mean to brag but ... hehe im neo ..the one ..

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 11:56 p.m.
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Sunday, June 1, 2003

]|[ friends vs aquaintances ]|[

as the topic says, there is really so much difference between friends and aquaintances. for me i think that aquaintances are just fun to have around; you need them in a way but they arent really there when you need them. but true friends are there for you to through thick and thin, to support you in whatever you do to give you advice when you need it and to always lend you a shoulder to cry on.

sometimes we just take friends forgranted and mistreat them or use them in some ways (not ill intentionally) like take advantage of them. i am guilty of that sometimes too. its human nature but im soooo fortunate to have good friends all around me all the time. friends that listen, friends that advise, friends that care, friends that get me out of shit when im stuck waist deep and sinking. and for that im am so so thankful! i just dont know what i'd do without them. these past 2 weeks after i came back from my roadtrip, she and i used to quarrel alot and friends were always there to support us n give us advice n cheer us up. it was really quite an experience that i really dont wanna go through again (quarrelling) coz it really hurt alot. but sometimes its just necessary to sort things out and give us time to think and reflect on what we've did right or wrong, whether we said too much or not. all that said, at the end of it all you'll know who you're true friends are. even if they're there just to lend an ear. it really feels better! therefore this entry goes out to all the people whose close to my heart. you know who you are. just thanks you for being there, even if you've said nothing, you're presence was enough; and also sorry for all the times ive given y'all my fucked up attitude. i'll work on that. u guys are the best ....

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 11:17 p.m.
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Thursday, May 29, 2003

]|[ the fiery Leo character ]|[

Leo THE LION is the sign of the ruler, the king Leo is expansive, generous and caring. They revel in love affairs and all things romantic. Leo is passionate, demonstrative and likes nothing better than being spoiled by those they love. Happiness knows no bounds for the Leo in love!

The bright side
The bright side of Leo is very bright indeed, "sunny side up" they are very much attuned to the life giving properties of our Sun itself. The typical Leo is flamboyant and generous with tremendous charm and a magnanimous spirit. The fixed quality of this sign does help to restrain a large dose of over-exuberance. Leos are loyal, self assured, hard working, and great organisers (only if they can be boss!)

Creative, generous, enthusiastic, organized (if bothered), broad minded, expansive, dramatic.

The dark side
The dark side of Leo creeps out usually when they are, (or think that they are) being ignored. Sulking results when they are not the absolute centre of attention. Leo will drum up some scene both good and bad to get attention, any attention! Leos can be very self opinionated, bombastic, and overbearing. One of Leos most noted traits is too much pride, leading to pomposity and snobbery. The other noted negative trait is being far to touchy, touchy about everything. When Leos pride and feelings are hurt the temperature drops, they become very touchy and retire to their throne.

Proud, jealous (sibling rivalry starts here), vain, bullying, pompous, snobbish, intolerant, dogmatic, stubborn, patronising, egotistical, conceited.

You are most compatible with
Gemini - full of laughter.
Aries - memorable.
Cancer - loving.
Libra - great fun.
Capricorn - it will be short, but sweet.

Absolutely no chance!
Scorpio - a clash of the big egos.
Virgo - a difficult match.
Leo - a battle of the wills. WHAT RUBBISH!
Aquarius - difficult but entertaining!

]|[ Sorry ]|[
just wanted to publicly announce that im sorry dear for hurting your feelings. im glad we're okay now. also thanks to the people who gave me sound advice. you know who you are.

]|[ New Layout ]|[
can someone lend me photoshop? i lost mine. cant change the layout coz reformatted my com. ive come up with a new layout idea already. damn its going to be good...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 08:56 p.m.
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Monday, May 26, 2003

]|[ lazy motha f*cker ]|[

i know im lazy. i just need someone to tell me man. i mean ... look at the number of entries in march compared to april and may. i think march is updated daily. ok guys im getting lazy. just wanna thank all of y'all for your support. ill continue to update. its just that im sick of this layout already and i want to create a new layout. but i lost my photoshop disc. f***. further more im thinking of getting a domain.
pam:*AHEM*

ok so tomorrow's my 1st day of attachment. kinda compelled by the fact that most of my friends have already completed their poly and are waiting for army but in the mean time bumming around. but its a blessing in disguise i find coz i get to differ! hehe army lah. btw i graduate in august. (managed to squeeze in all my modules) so i wont have to spend an extra half a semester repeating a module (thank god i finished in 3 years!) and also i get to work a while first before going in. AND i also get to spend more time with her! =)

lastly, the 1/3 of the photos that we took on the trip are out. sorry for not posting all of them yet or the details of wat we did there yet coz im really too busy now. i promise it'll be up soon. the url is http://sg.pho.... oh nvm... just click here

there, wasnt that a lengthy entry or what?

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 12:00 a.m.
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Monday, May 19, 2003

]|[ back from roadtrip! ]|[

ok guys im back from my backpacking trip ...ill be posting photos and what i did so keep mi posted ..

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 12:53 p.m.
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Saturday, May 3, 2003

]|[ lost ]|[

have any of you at one time in your life felt really helpless and lost? not knowing what to do. so damn broke u couldnt even take a bus? damn im like that now. quite patethic rite? but really what can you do to get out of this shit or is there anything to ease the pain? i guess everyone has their ups n downs.

now my sleeping hours are in the day and i go out at night. for the past week ive been only coming home in the morning, when everyone's going to work and waking up at this time. not really been studying hard for my paper. heck, i dont even feel any pressure at all. tsk. oh well, since im broke better turn my sleeping hours around and stay at home and study

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 06:17 p.m.
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Tuesday, April 29, 2003

]|[ -___- ]|[

this must be the month with the least entries !!!!

omg i dunno wats happening but i just feel that theres so little to write nowadays..i mean wats new? war, SARS, no money.... the usual..

but for those of u who think ill stop blogging, you're wrong. its just that i havent found time to shift the new computer into my room and i havent installed photoshop n stuff..so therefore no moving the com into my room and not installing the necessary programms equals to no new layout n less frequent updates...

hmmm my exam is in 10 days time. she doesnt wanna meet me coz she says she distracts me. =( weve not not seen each other for more than 2 days. but i've to get used to it when i go NS so what the heck. damn. i just might go meet her though. but dont tell her ya? =)

tsk its the start of the week n ive no money already. went to catch anger management. its quite a hillarious show. really worth the $6.50. wanted to book the matrix reloaded but decided to check my schedule 1st before booking. i cant wait for the show!!!!

mums bday is in 3 days time. what to buy what to buy??

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 05:54 p.m.
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Thursday, April 24, 2003

]|[ not alone ]|[

so i guess im not the only one not blogging recently. ive been to many sites but they havent been updating as well. maybe some of them have exams? or maybe sars? oops... sorry sensitive issue here.

has anyone booked their tix for the matrix reloaded? im sure going to catch mine. anyway ive caught johnny english and bulletproof monk. both shows were ok meaning that they werent good but they werent bad as well.

i found that yesterday was a very fruitful day for me as i accomplished many things.
- went to school to submit everything
- had my temperature taken for SARS (coz i was out of the country LMAO)
- my robot parts arrived so i help abit to assemble it
- got revision questions and answers for my exams =)
- got letter of differment from course manager to differ my NS
- got my pay cheque
- met her
- went to watch man utd - real madrid match (fantstic)

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 02:20 p.m.
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Monday, April 14, 2003

]|[ absence ]|[

ok hi guys. i havent been blogging in exactly a week now. guess i should update. 1st things 1st. i DONT have SARs. LMAO.. ok heres wat i did during the past week

basically, i tried to study for my common test but i really couldnt do much as i wasnt in the mood. for most of last week, i was spending my time with her. i just hope the honeymoon period never ends. oh ya. I FOUND A HANDPHONE!! am i lucky or wat? i sold it off and used the money to pay my bills and do abit of shopping though. hehe. i AM a lucky bastard....

got injured in yesterdays soccer. i have a sore bum now. watched johnny english on saturday. damn funny man!! so many things to say but i cant express myself. i dunno why . maybe im tired of typing... hmmm..

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 02:58 p.m.
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Monday, April 7, 2003

]|[ bon jovi ]|[

this is my song of the moment ....

Bon Jovi - Never Say Goodbye

As I sit in this smokey room
The night about to end
I pass my time with strangers
But this bottle's my only friend

Remember when we used to park
On Butler Street out in the dark
Remember when we lost the keys
And you lost more than that in my backseat

Remember when we used to talk
About busting out - we'd break their hearts
Togheter - forever

Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on - we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye

Remember days of skipping school
Racing cars and being cool
With a six pack and the radio
We didn't need no place to go

Remember at the prom that night
You and me we had a fight
But the band they played our favorite song
And I held you in my arms so strong

We danced so close
We danced so slow
And I swore I'd never let you go
Togheter - forever

Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on - we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye

I guess you'd say we used to talk
About busting out
We'd break their hearts
Together - forever

Sunday, April 6, 2003

]|[ im back =) ]|[

ok i havent been blogging for frickin long... but first things first. when i said i was sick it was a really a prank for april fools day. -_-" LMAO rite?? hehehe ..

ok the older entries have been archived already. they're in the 'links' section in case u dunno yet

spent most of last week worring about SARS (yeah rite) and trying (but not yet) to finish my project. im glad its 98% complete.

enlistment letter came in (scheduled for 13th June) but ive to differ coz ill be having attachment (its really a blessing in disguise that i failed one of my modules last semester) furthermore i got a letter from the air force asking me to go for a test (hope to get in)

yesterday was fun. went to sunset bay. got a tan, got some SARs =X, got sunburnt, got sand in my eyes. overall i had a frickin' great time. really. its been so long since everyone went as a group down to sunset bay. *blissful sigh* after that went down to find beng at caesars to drink and watch the match

MAN UTD 4 - LIVERPOOL 0

brilliant show by man utd. just hope they win all their fixtures... after that went to see iorn ladies ii. its the most boring show ive seen. partly becoz its in thai (no offence) and coz i was sleepy. but really the story plot was lousy. ok ok ive said enough. ive to go get ready for soccer. cya guys ...

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 03:23 p.m.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2003

]|[ sick.... ]|[

ok im really feeling sick ... i dunno if it was that pizza last night or what... i find myself sneezing and having a fever....yup ... shag .. touch wood but i hope i dont get SARs =( i gtg sleep now.. cya guys ..

paradox® did not write all tis for nutthin at 11:41 a.m.
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